From: jenw...@aol.com (Jen White6) Subject: MiSTed: "A Baby Story" Date: 1998/02/05 Message-ID: <19980205043301.XAA05985@ladder03.news.aol.com> X-Deja-AN: 322206358 X-Admin: ne...@aol.com Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k MiSTed: "A Baby Story" MiSTing by JenW...@aol.com [Interior, The Green Room in the Ghost Planet Industries building. One side of the room is dominated by a large screen, which shows the empty set of "Space Ghost Coast to Coast". Brak, Lokar, and Tansit are sitting at the break table sipping coffee. The lights are dim, and "cool music" is playing faintly in the background, giving the scene a "beatnik cafe" atmosphere.] Brak: Okay, what do you think of this one: I make great lunch spreads. Pork chop sandwiches, beef logs, And cockroach hors d'oeuvres. Lokar: I think that your poetry is on a par with your cuisine. Brak: Thanks, buddy! Tansit: Lemme try one. Um... Haikus are easy. They don't have to rhyme at all. Uh ... dah dah dah dah dah. Lokar: Oh, REALLY. Poetry is not A matter of filling lines With words, you halfwits. [Zorak appears in the screen] Brak: Hi Zorak! We're practicing haikus! Zorak: Forget it. That show's been cut. Brak: Huh? Yer kidding me! They said they were gonna do a show about the haikus tonight! Zorak: They just about deep-sixed that. Instead they're running some marketing tape. Trying to get new sponsors, I hear. That took up almost all the time, so the haiku part'll only run a minute or so. Tansit: You're kidding! Why'd they do that? Zorak: I dunno. Guess who's got his tights in a bunch about it, though. I don't care, it just means I won't get blasted this week! [A ray from offscreen blasts Zorak. We see an explosion. The smoke clears to reveal a charred Zorak.] Brak: Boy, he's REALLY in a crabby mood! Zorak: You're not kidding! [coughs] You're lucky you don't have to see tonight's show. Or maybe you're not. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Lokar: What do you mean by that?! Zorak: [no longer charred] Oh, didn't I mention that I have another treat for you? Tansit: Another story? Zorak: Not just another story. The ULTIMATE bad fan fiction story! Brak: Worse than "Sailor Moon USA?" Zorak: Worse! Tansit: Worse than "Ani-MAYHEM !"? Zorak: MUCH worse! Lokar: I find it impossible to believe that any author could ply their craft with less skill than the perpetrators of *those* atrocities. Zorak: Well, read it and weep! This has got to be the WORST story on the net! And you get it all to yourselves! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Brak: [cheerfully] This oughtta be good. Lokar: [to Brak] You are a sick, strange little man. [The image of Zorak in the monitor is replaced by a blank screen, on which the words begin scrolling:] > One upon a time in the offices of Hire, Brak: Higher for Hire? > Oswald the Lucky rabbit and > Ursa Barbic, were talking , Lokar: Who are *these* characters? Tansit: Well, Ursa's a Gummi- [Lokar gives Tansit an icy glare. Tansit shuts up.] > soon anther joins them in the offices, Brak: Anther? Is she a Gummi bear or a rabbit? > a small 11 yrs old female gummi bear, as she walks in then they > notice how cold it is and shiver after the little bear opens the > door to come in. Tansit: Huh? She comes in, *then* opens the door to come in?? Lokar: This is a welcome change from those works that are bound to the bland, pedestrian notion of CHRONOLOGICAL NARRATION. > After she closes the door, they see that is is > Sunni Gummi. Brak: [Oswald] It's sunny, Gummi! Tansit: [Ursa] Then why's it so cold outside? > They also see that she is wearing her warm snowsuit, > a green sheepskin lined long hooded parka, matching snow pants > w/ suspenders & small buttons, a light green sleet hood, sheepskin > lined stocking cap, tan snow boots, and around her waist, > a light purple belt with a silver belt buckle. The buckle had the > Gummi Logo in front of the buckle, but they are unable to see this. Brak: This story was brought to you by Montgomery-Ward. > Sunni says hi to Ursa and Oswald, hug both of them and goes over and sits > down on the floor next to Oswald. Tansit: Everyone joins hands and starts chanting "Om mani padme hum..." > That's when she notices that both Ursa > & Oswald had be wearing snowsuits to. Brak: To where? Tansit: [Oswald, in a "gangsta" accent] We be wearin' snowsuits to the office! Yeah! > Sunni sees both of then near Ursa > and Oswald. Lokar: Both of WHAT? Oswald and Ursa?? Brak: Maybe it means "Then she sees both" ... um, no ... > She also notices that Ursa still has his dark brown snow > boots on, and Oswald just had his normal clothing on now. Tansit: What else were they wearing? Suspenders? Earmuffs? Socks with little patterns? Long johns? Boxers or briefs? Lokar: For God's sake, Tansit, this writer has a *clothing* fetish, not an *underwear* fetish. Tansit: I sure hope so. [shudders] > Sunni still cold, decides to put on her tan hooded cloak on, > that she had in her backpack. Brak: She's already wearin' a snowsuit and a parka. Where are they, on the night side of Pluto? > She then puts the backpack down and > opens it and pulls out the cloak and pulls up the hood to stay warm. Lokar: Oh, PLEASE spare us no detail in this fascinating clothes- changing scene! > After doing this she see that she brought her pillow to with her, Brak: [Sunni] Hey! Lookit what I packed! A pillow! 'Magine that! Tansit: Maybe we should all chip in and buy them another chair. > and decides to take it out to sit on. Unknown to Sunni, someone > put a spell on the pillow, Brak: C'mon in and set a spell! > but since she doesn't know this at the > time, so she fluffs it up and sits down on it. Lokar: Is it my imagination, or is this story just wandering about drunkenly, not going anywhere? Tansit: [under his breath] It's not your imagination. You don't have any. [Brak guffaws] Lokar: WHAT WAS THAT, Tansit? Tansit: [quickly] I didn't say anything!! > She listens for a > while to Ursa and Oswald, and then asks Ursa a question, to find > out if he was hungry. Brak: Sunni asks Ursa if Oswald was hungry? Why not just ask Oswald? > When Ursa doesn't answer, she wonders if > Ursa sees the Gummi lollipops Sunni was holding and offering to > both Ursa and Oswald. Brak: Y'know, this is starting to remind me of an old TV show. Tansit: What show? Brak: "Twin Peaks". > When Sunni gets no answer from either of them, she decides to hit > Ursa with her pillow to get both of there attentions. Brak: [Sunni] HEY! That gum you like is comin' back in style!! > So Sunni > puts the pops in her coat pocket, Brak: [Sunni] The owls ain't what they seem! > picks up her pillow and swings at > Ursa with the pillow, but she misses Ursa all together, and hits > herself with the pillow instead. Tansit: Huh? How can you hit YOURSELF in a pillow fight? Brak: Stick a boomerang in the pillowcase, maybe. > Instantly in a cloud of smoke, > Sunni Gummi is turned into a baby gummi bear, an a deep voice says > "BABALILY." Brak: Baba looooo! Tansit: [Sunni, in a Lucille Ball whine] You never let me be in the show! WAAAAA! Lokar: Perhaps if you'd been a trifle less inept as an announcer. > Still they don't see what has happen to Sunni and > continue to talk. Brak: A midget comes in, then opens the door, and starts to dance around the office to weird music. Tansit: Meanwhile, Ursa and Oswald eat pie and drink darn good coffee. > After this is happen, Sunni decides to eat one > of the gummi lollipops till one of them notices what has happen. Lokar: "After this is happen". "What has happen". These are verb tenses that could only have been inspired by *time travel*. > Sunni pulls out the pops out of her coat pocket, when she does this > a large safety pin falls out of her pocket, but she doesn't see it > fall out, and then puts the pop in her mouth. Brak: [hopefully] I get it! This is a mystery! The safety pin is a clue!! Lokar: Clutching at straws, are we? > When she does this, > the pop is instantly turned into a red pacifier, and Sunni starts > to suck on it loud to attract the attention of Ursa or Oswald. Tansit: I gotta say it - this whole STORY is sucking out loud! Brak: Nah! It's like "Twin Peaks". It'll all make sense by the end. Lokar: Of course, Brak. And if you clap your hands together, fairies will be real. > When she does this Oswald then turns and notices that Sunni Gummi > is now a baby gummi bear now. Ursa also turns to notice the baby > gummi bear sitting on the floor too. Brak: [Oswald] Hey, how about that, Sunni's a baby now! Lemme go talk to my log about this! > Neither of them not know how to help Sunni, Oswald decides to page > Liu Kang for help, All: LIU KANG?! Brak: The guy from "Mortal Kombat"?! Tansit: What's he doing here? Brak: This ain't gonna get all gory, is it? Lokar: Just when I thought this could not POSSIBLY get more unpleasant. > and quickly Liu comes to aid them. Liu looks at > Sunni & then thinks of a way to help the small bear. Lokar: Putting it out of our misery comes to mind. > Liu pulls out > his accent spell book, he has with him and opens it to see if he > can find a counter spell to help Sunni. Brak: I have a counter spell. It tells me how many people have visited my web page. Tansit: [rimshot] > At this time Ursa Barbic > gives Liu an idea of using a supersoaker & try to sploosh Sunni > first. Lokar: WHAT?! They believe drenching a baby with a SUPERSOAKER will break a magical spell?!? Brak: It will if it's a FDC spell. > Ursa then hand Liu his supersoaker 200, a high powered > water gun, he then fires it at Sunni. The water hits Sunni in the > face, but doesn't help, she continues to suck on the pacifier, but > now her eyes start to tear up, she is now about ready to start > crying. Lokar: They squirt a child, and it cries. This is a first. Tansit: Huh? Lokar: This is the first thing to make sense in the ENTIRE BLEEDING STORY!! > When they see that she is on the verge of crying, Ursa > gives Liu the idea of using a snowball in the supersoaker. Brak: Aw, c'mon, this is just *mean*! > Liu > hearing this loads the Supersoaker with a snowball, Tansit: [Liu Kang] I just happen to have a snowball in my pocket. Brak: [Ursa] Izzat a snowball in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? > and then aims > the water gun at Sunni. Oswald warns him not to fire it to hard > at her, or he may kill Sunni, then what will all the gummi bear > fans do, without her. [Lokar gapes speechlessly] > Liu aims and takes note not to fire it to > hard at Sunni. He then fires the supersoaker at Sunni, and the > snowball hits her completely covering her in the snow. Tansit: Um ... you can't fire a snowball through a water gun. You can only fill it with liquid. > Two minutes > later Sunni crawls out of the huge snowball, she is now her normal > size and age. Brak: Huh? It worked! How 'bout that! Tansit: Who'd'a figured! Lokar: [stunned] ... my God ... > After she crawls out of the snowball, Oswald runs > over to give her a huge hug. Sunni then hugs him back in relieve > that she is back to normal again. After seeing this Liu, see that > his work is done and walks home. Tansit: He's got a long walk ahead of him, since he lives in a whole other universe. Brak: [relieved] Well, at least this story has a happy ending. [The words on the screen dissolve into static. We momentarily see the "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" commercial bumper screen. Then Zorak appears.] Zorak: Enjoying yourselves, kids? Lokar: My GOD, this is a new low, even for you! Zorak: What's the matter, can't you take a little fanfic? Po-o-o-o-r Lokar! Lokar: That was not FANFIC! It was *CR-R-R-R-RAP*! Brak: It didn't make any sense at all! It was just weird! Zorak: "Was"? Tansit: You don't mean- Zorak: Yes! You're only halfway though! You have MORE to read! BWA- HA-HA-HA-HA! All: [as Zorak cackles] NOOOOOOO! [Zorak's image disappears. The story resumes scrolling on the screen.] Tansit: Well, at least it can't get any worse. Lokar: [gloomily] If there is any justice in the universe. Which I doubt. > Unknown to Sunni, the very cold snow has gotten under the bottom > part of her parka, and frozen the buttons to her suspenders, which > causes them to break. Lokar: You were saying it couldn't get any worse, Tansit?! Brak: Her buttons FROZE and BROKE?? Tansit: Brak was right! This IS on the night side of Pluto! > She only finds out about the buttons breaking > after Ursa, Oswald and Sunni hear a loud snap. Lokar: That was the sound of my last nerve shattering. > Sunni then finds out that > the cold snow has frozen and broken her belt buckle, Brak: Uh-uh, it froze her BUTTONS, not her BELT BUCKLE, remember? > which causes her belt > to come undone and fall to the fall down to the floor, followed a few > seconds later by her snow pants. Brak: What th'-? > After her snow pants fall down, > it exposes a white diaper with a large gold safety pin in front, Lokar: WHAT?! Is there a single shred of dignity anywhere in this bleeding farce?! This makes "Benny Hill" look like "Masterpiece Theater!" Tansit: [to Lokar] I thought you said that whoever wrote this didn't have an underwear fetish! > which she is made to wear whenever she wears her snowsuit, she wears > under her snow pants. When this happens she blushes cherry red & Tansit: I'd blush too if I was eleven years old and still not potty trained. > tries to hide the diaper she is wearing, with the bottom part of > her parka, but atlas the large pin keeps showing. Brak: She named the safety pin Atlas? Gee, maybe someone oughtta get this kid a pet rock or something. > When Oswald see > this he tries to hold in his laughter, and manages to do so to. Tansit: This is supposed to be FUNNY? [Lokar groans softly] > As Sunni goes and starts to pick up her snow pants, Oswald remembers > that he has some sweat pants with him in his back pack, Brak: Convenient that whenever anyone needs something, they got it in a backpack. Tansit: They got 'em from Felix the Cat. > he goes > over to it, takes them out and offers them to Sunni. Sunni thanks > Oswald & puts the sweat pants on, only to find out that they are > too big for her. Tansit: Well, duh. She's a little girl bear and Oswald's a grown-up rabbit. Brak: But bears are lots bigger than rabbits. Tansit: Cats are bigger than bugs, too. Brak: Oh, yeah. > Oswald shows her the string on the sweat pants to > hold them up, and Sunni ties the sweats up tight, and start to walk > over to Oswald to give him a thank you hug. But once again disaster > strikes again, Tansit: This whole *story* is a disaster. Brak: Yup. Lokar: [silence] > the string breaks and as Sunni walks over to Oswald, > the sweat pants fall down, around the top of her snow boots, > causing her to trip and fall to the floor. [Lokar sobs softly] > Oswald sighs, then sees > the pin that fell out of Sunni coat pocket, picks it up, turns Sunni > on her back and pins up the sweat pants nice and tight. Brak: Fer Pete's sake, Sunni's not a baby any more! She oughtta be able to do her own diaper! I could when *I* was her age! > After Oswald has done this, Sunni says "thank you, " Tansit: Hey! A quote! Someone actually SAID something! > to him and > hugs him tight. Brak: [speaking in his original 1966 voice] I have a gun in your ribs! Get me out of this story or you will *die*! > He then helps Sunni stand up. Ursa then walks > over and hugs Sunni to. They are all glad that all turned out ok. Tansit: [Ursa] All right. Everybody's got their pants back on. Let's keep it that way, OK? > Oswald then picks up Sunni's broken belt, takes the buckle off of > the belt, and hands the rest of the belt back to Sunni. She then > ties it around her waist, to keep the bottom part of her parka > closed. Oswald then tells Sunni that he will fix her broken belt > buckle, and return it soon. Brak: Wow. All that detail just for tying a belt on someone, but this guy couldn't even write out a few lines of dialogue! Yeesh! > Ursa then hand Sunni her snow pants > she left on the floor, when she changed into the sweat pants. Tansit: Come on! STOP CHANGING CLOTHES!! > Oswald then puts on his snowsuit and leaves for home, next followed > by Sunni. Finally Ursa puts on here coat and walks off for home to. Brak: This reminds me of one of those plays where nothing really happens. You know, "Waiting for Godot". Tansit: Who's Godot? Brak: I dunno. They never say. Tansit: What happens, then? Brak: Um ... nothing, really, I guess. Tansit: It *is* a lot like this story, then. > The next day as promises, Oswald fixed the broken buckle and gives it > back to Sunni. Tansit: Did he put it on her? Did her pants fall down again? What was she wearing underneath?! > THE END Brak and Tansit: YAAAAY! [The words scroll off the screen as Brak and Tansit cheer.] Brak: We made it! Tansit: I can't believe it! We survived the worst story in the world! For a while I didn't think we'd get away alive! Brak: Let's have a party! I'll bake a cake! Tansit: Yeah! But let's not invite Zorak. Right, Lokar? [Lokar does not answer. He is staring at the blank screen, looking catatonic.] Lokar? Brak: [Waving his hand in front of Lokar's face] Hey, Lokar? Wake up, buddy! [Zorak appears on the screen] Zorak: Now, was that EVIL or what?! Brak: Quick, get a doctor! Tansit: The story broke his brain! Zorak: Really? Brak: Yeah! Look! [waves his hands in front of Lokar's eyes] Zorak: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! My revenge is complete! This calls for a party at the Taco King! Brak: I can bake a cake! Tansit: I can make really good chocolate pies. Zorak: Let's go! [As Brak and Tansit exit, turning off the light as they go, the screen dissolves into static. Camera closes in on Lokar, who is still staring at the screen. When the camera is close in on his profile, which is starkly lit by the screen in the darkness, he speaks.] Lokar: [whispering] The horror... the horror. / | | / |/| / | | / ___________|/|____________ | ______________________ |\ | |J#~#-####*###-##*###+#| | | | |##*#.##-#.##-#.##~##*#| | | | |##+###+##~##+###+#*###| | | | |##-#.##+##.-###-####-#| | | | |#-###-###+#W######-## | | | | |##~#*###-*###*#+#.####| | | | |###~#+#~.##-######~###| | | | |##-#*###-#*~##-#~#.##%| | | | |##+##*#+##+#-##.###+##| | | | |#~##*#####-###~*####*6| | | | ________________________ |/ This MiSTing is copyright (c) by the author, JenW...@aol.com Space Ghost, Zorak, Brak, Tansit, and Lokar are copyright (c) Hanna-Barbera. Sunni Gummi and Ursa Barbic are copyright (c) Disney. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit is copyright (c) Walter Lantz Productions. Liu Kang is copyright (c) Midway Games Inc. All copyrighted characters are used without permission. This MiSTing was done in the name of humor, and no malice is intended to anyone. Thanks to Wendy Lee for her help! > the string breaks and as Sunni walks over to Oswald, > the sweat pants fall down, around the top of her snow boots, > causing her to trip and fall to the floor.