Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 1/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:17:28 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 547 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301917.1f7f15e7@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059621449 12042 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:17:29 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:17:29 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:470 A BROTHER, CAPTAIN, AND KING Original Story by Osiris Brackhaus MiSTing by Dreelyn and Juliet Youngren NOTE: The piece of fanfiction MiSTed in this story is rated NC-17. [Bridge of the SoL. A computer is set up on the counter, with the monitor facing away from us. Crow and Tom are intently reading something from the screen.] Tom: [reading] "Why, Steve," whispered Frank in awe, "without your glasses, you're...beautiful!" "Thank you, Frank. I...I love you." Crow: "I love you too," Frank replied. "I've loved you ever since the first time you took out my spleen and fed it to rabid dingoes..." Tom: This is boring. Skip to the good parts. Crow: Okay, okay, hang on...Here we go: "'Kiss me, Frank!' screamed Dr. Forrester. The wild-haired scientist tore off his lime-green lab coat and gazed with smouldering lust at his assistant. Frank caressed Dr. Forrester's well-muscled chest, running his hands over the smooth expanse of bare flesh." Tom: Well-muscled? Dr. Forrester? Please. Crow: I'm just reading what's written. Tom: Oh, well, do continue then. [Joel enters and stands behind them as Crow continues to read.] Crow: "Frank followed the caresses of his hands with kisses, as Dr. Forrester trailed his own hands along Frank's broad, masculine shoulders." Tom: [snorts] Frank's got the physique of a marshmallow. Crow: Well, he does have broad shoulders. And a broad chest. And a broad stomach...and a broad behind.... Joel: All right, you two, that's enough. Tom: But Joel, we were just getting to the good parts! Joel: I thought you'd lost your taste for slash after that Lord of the Rings story last week. Tom: Yeah, but this is different. This is Frank and Dr. Forrester! Joel: You're getting an unhealthy fascination with this stuff. I think I've come up with something that will take care of this little problem. [He pulls a floppy disc out of his pocket and inserts it into the computer.] Crow: What's that? Joel: It's my invention exchange for today. [Mads' light flashes] I see Tom Bombadil and Fatty Bolger are calling. [Hits the light] [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is standing beside a computer desk. Frank sits at the desk, hypnotically staring at the screen.] Frank: Steve, you *have* to read this one! I'm telling you, we both look soooo good. Dr. F: [to the camera] Greetings, Fellowship of the Satellite. Inspired by last week's story.... [SoL] Joel: How that could be inspiring is anyone's guess. [Deep 13] Dr. F: ...I've constructed a little computer program which will pave the way for me to take over the world. I call it the Slashifier. [SoL] Joel: Sounds...creepy. Dare I ask how it works? [Deep 13] Dr. F: You feed any old story or fanfic into it--say, Alexandre Dumas' classic _The Three Musketeers_--and it automatically converts the input into a slash story. Let's try it out. [Dr. Forrester presses a key on the computer] Frank: Awwww, Steve! I wasn't done yet! Dr. F: Frank, you were born done. Just read the screen, please. Frank: D'Artagnan arrived at the appointed place for his duel with the Musketeer Porthos. "Forsooth," said Porthos, "Thou art as handsome a man as I have ever before seen. I would fain rather make love than war with thee..." Hey, this is pretty good! [He continues reading, silently.] [SoL] Joel: Nothing like the bastardization of a classic to turn one's stomach. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Exactly. I figure that with this, half the world will be glued to their computers and the other half will be paralyzed with nausea. In the resulting chaos, I'll step in and take over! [SoL] Joel: Well, I suppose it's time I revealed my invention, then. I was noticing my bots were spending entirely too much time reading this stuff on the internet, so I invented a de-slashifier, to tone it all down. [He glances at the computer screen] Joel: Looks like it's done installing. I'll just load in that little opus of Gypsy's that the bots were reading earlier.... Bots: [looking at the screen, in unison] You ruined it! Joel: This used to be a pretty steamy story about, uh, you and Frank. Crow, would you read what's there now? Crow: "Why Steve," said Frank, "I think you lost your glasses. Here they are." "Thank you, Frank," answered the wild-haired scientist. "Let's go on a picnic! I have potato salad and ham sandwiches in the refrigerator." Tom: See? Totally ruined. [Gypsy enters] Gypsy: [entering] What's ruined? Tom: Your story! Look what Joel did to it! [Gypsy reads over their shoulders.] Gypsy: WHAT? Where's my deathless prose? Tom: Joel killed it. [Deep 13] Dr. F: I could revive it, you know. But I think that'll have to wait until after the next story I have for you Boobies. Remember that little thing you read last week, about Aragorn and Boromir? Well, I've got the companion piece for you today. It's called "A Brother, Captain, and King" and I think you'll find it contains all the slash your hearts could desire. Send them the fanfic, Frank. Frank: Just a sec, Steve. I'm almost done with the story.... Dr. F: NOW, Frank! Frank: In a minute... [Dr. Forrester sighs and presses the button himself.] [SoL. Lights and sirens.] Joel and Bots: WE GOT SLASH SIIIIIGN! Gypsy: WHAT ABOUT MY STORY?! [Door sequence. They enter the theater and sit down.] > "A Brother, Captain and King" Joel: So there are three main characters, I take it. > by Osiris Brackhaus Tom: The Brackhaus is next door to the Zorakhaus. Joel: [sings] Well, she's a Brack-haus/she's mighty mighty/she's letting it all hang out... > > > His last words, as they were recorded for the books, were to 'his > Brother, his Captain, his King'. Crow: His *actual* last words were, "Oh, crap," but those others sounded soooo much better... Tom: See, it'd have been a lot cooler if his last words were "BY THE POWER OF GONDOR...I...HAVE...THE...POWER!" > > All assumed that, with his last breath, the son of the steward of > Gondor acknowledged my claim Tom: [narrator] --to the Triple-E Mine! Crow: So the narrator's a grizzled 1890s prospector? > to the throne, acknowledged my heritage, Tom: So this guy's distantly related to Thomas Jefferson, too? > acknowledged me as who I am today. Joel: Which is whom, exactly? Tom: Yeah--is this the Brother, the Captain, or the King talking? > > But secretly I always knew in my heart that his last words were not > meant for any future generation, Crow: Like any future generation would listen to Bore-omir. > but for me alone, Tom: And just who *are* you?! Joel: Let's assume it's Aragorn for now. > to safeguard in my > heart until the end of my own life. Joel: [Aragorn] Which, Eru willing, may be blessedly soon. > > I saw it in his eyes, the day Boromir the Fair Tom: Should "Fair" have a "y" at the end? > died in my arms - I > might have become his King one day, Crow: Or his Queen... > and was his captain then, but > first and foremost for him I was the man Joel: Watch out, Boromir! Aragorn's The Man! > who, for one night, had been > closer than a brother to him, both in mind, heart and body. Joel: So *that's* how it is in that family... Tom: No wonder Faramir ran off to Ithilien. > > For one night, we had joined as Lovers, Crow: And what these men have joined, let no God tear asunder? > and as such I will always > remember him. Tom: [narrator] Ol' "Quickshot" Boromir. Was he ever a disappointment. Joel: [sings] I remember you-ooo-ooo/You're the one who tore my heart in two... > > ********** Tom: [Sings] Stars, in your multitudes scarce to be counted... Crow: Ten, actually. > > When I first laid eyes upon him, Crow: The disturbingness of that image works on soooo many levels. > it was in the house of Elrond, in > Rivendell, mere days before that fateful council Joel: When they announced that Elrond had run off to the Grey Havens with the marginal profits, leaving all the other elves without retirement money. Tom: "Elrond," Joel. Not "Enron." Remember? > that in consequence > should decide the fortune of all free people of Middlearth. Joel: [Elrond] Gentlemen, we elves are going to be baking the cookies from now on. Tom: [Elrond] Finally, we have to choose...Coke or Pepsi? > He arrived > on his horse, Crow: He really doesn't discriminate, does he? > his shield clasped to his back, sword and horn Tom: Pick a euphemism, any euphemism... > at his > sides. I didn't need to see his Crow: Here we go... > bracers Crow: Awww... > to identify him as one of the > princes Joel: Minces? Crow: Nances? Tom: Ponces? > of Gondor, as his golden hair and proud features too easily > betrayed him Crow: I hate it when your body parts turn against you. > as one of the Stewards line. Tom: Those airline attendants always seem a little too pretty for my tastes. Crow: [Aragorn] Then he kept refilling my drink and bugging me to keep my seat in an upright position. > > Even then, standing on one of the many balconies surrounding Elronds > home, I envied him. Joel: [Aragorn] Elrond always built better, more beautiful balconies than I ever could! Crow: [Aragorn] Wish *I* had a big horn like that. Tom: A bad case of instrument envy. > > Not only had he the recognition of his people I was still to struggle > for Joel: I get this image of Aragorn standing on a balcony at Minas Tirith saying, "I just have one question--who the hell are all you people?" > --his blood also had given him his broad frame, Crow: Actually, that would be his bones, not his blood. > wide shoulders and > so striking and regal a face that I felt ill suited to take on the > challenges the future still held for me. Joel: So this guy with no name feels inadequate because he doesn't have a good...face? > > I knew my envy to be foolish, Joel: On the plus side, he already seems to have more sense than Boromir. > for though we might have looked to be of > the same age, Tom: [Aragorn] I actually was older, but no one could tell, because I used Just For Men Gel! > I knew him to haven seen only half of the summers I > already had passed. Crow: Y'all ain't seen anythin', yit! > It was the blood of Numenor, still strong in my > line, that gave me my slow age Tom: And your slow brain, too? > and with it, my fate to face. Joel: See? His bad face will haunt him 'til the end of his days. > Also I > saw in his face the lines of a valiant and strong-hearted man, Tom: They're called "veins." > driven Crow: ...crazy... > to Rivendell by Joel: Hoke Coburn! > grave concern and worries for his people. He would be > a worthy companion in the dark days to come, yet he was born and > raised to lead, Crow: Boromir the Seeing Eye Dog. > and would all but easily step down Tom: Watch that first step--it's a doozie. > to help me to my > throne. Joel: [Boromir] Aragorn, you're 87 years old! You should be able to go by yourself now! > > His fate wasn't any lighter than mine, Crow: But Boromir's stronger, so it'll be easier to carry for him. > only far less rewarding for him > in any possible outcome. Joel: Especially in any outcome in this story... > > Yet my envy stayed, like a thorn in my side, not painful, Tom: So...*not* like a thorn in your side, then. > yet a > constant reminder of something amiss. Crow: I'd say Boromir's something "a-miss", all right! > I envied him for the ease with > which he summoned up a Joel: [Aragorn] Turkey sandwich, the delectable likes of which I had never seen in all my days. > posture of regality, giving orders like the > prince he was Tom: Little does Boromir know he's soon going to be the Warrior Formerly Known as Prince. > - and though I knew myself to be a valiant leader, > having proven myself in more battles than I would have liked - Crow: [Aragorn] Deep inside, I was still the wussy little guy who really wished he was an elf. > knowing > to be his liege yet seeing him act superior with such an ease irked me > more than I would have had myself to believe. Joel: Huh? Crow: Excuse me? Tom: Time to break out the Aragorn-to-English dictionary. > > * > > When I saw him again, it was in the night before that fateful council, Joel: [Aragorn] The one where Elrond told us our stock portfolios had gone to crap... > when I sat near the statue where Elrond kept the shards of Narsil, > reading. Tom: Boy, that sword must really be something, if it can read, too. Crow: Yeah, even while it's all broken and stuff. > Boromir came along, probably wandering sleeplessly through > Rivendell, Joel: Great, he sleepwalks! > when he beheld the mural facing the statue Tom: [Boromir] Hmm, looks like one of those WPA jobs. > and next, the > pieces of the broken blade that once cut off the Ring off the hand of > the enemy. Crow: ...off the horse, off the field, off the green grass grew all around, all around... > > Taking Narsils hiltpiece, he examined its still-keen edge Tom: [Boromir, reading] Made...in...Taiwan....oh, no wonder it broke so easily! > in the > never-fading starlight of Elronds home. Joel: It's a wonder the elves get any sleep, with all that constant starlight. Tom: Rivendell's the proverbial "place where the sun don't shine." > When he stood there, looking > so much more like the human kings of old than I could ever imagine > myself, Crow: So Boromir looks like a Ringwraith? > I came to realise that I admired him. Foolishly, yes, Joel: That's the first intelligent thing anyone's said in this story. > but > fervently none the less, Tom: So Aragorn's a mental slave to Boromir? > and I despised him for making me feel so much > like an ursurper of a throne that rightfully would have had belonged > to him. Tom: If the throne rightfully belonged to him, then you *are* a usurper.... > I despised him for making me doubt every goal I set for myself > in the last decades, Joel: Boromir is the friendly drunk that convinced Aragorn to fall off the AA wagon. > despised him for making me feel inferior to a man Crow: I guess that explains a lot about this whole relationship, doesn't it? > whom I would have to act superior to if ever I was to complete my > quest. Tom: Darned thing was doomed from the beginning, then. > > That he cut himself on Narsils shard mere moments after, Joel: Proving he's a clumlsy idiot who can't even rule himself, let alone Gondor... Tom: [Aragorn] ...Cured me of that stupid admiration! What did I ever see in that bearded schmuck anyway? > that he > beheld me with a gaze full of fear and spite and called the sword of > Elendil 'just another broken heirloom', did nothing to raise him in my > favours. Crow: Nope, I believe that comes later in the story... > No, the look in his eyes warned me that, though be he > valiant, strong and regal and caring, Joel: Arr, that he be! > he also was short-tempered and > full of doubt, Crow: Sort of like a politician in reverse! > and that he might prove vulnerable to Tom: ...big, pointy orcish swords. > the dangers of > the dark days we probably would have to face together. Joel: [Aragorn] Boromir always cowers like a frightened child during solar eclipses. > > I knew I had to clear my mind, Tom: That shouldn't be tough, as it's not very big. > that I had to watch him with the > untarnished eye of Joel: --The Tiger! [He begins to sing] Rising up/Out on the streets... [He trails off]. > a ruler, ever judging for the best of his people, > uncaring for personal motives. Or personal feelings. Tom: He is a rock. Crow: He is an island. Tom: And a rock feels no pain. Crow: And an island never cries. > > I hated him for that, too. > > * Joel: Hey, look! It's one of the ever-shining stars of Rivendell! CONTINUED in part 2 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 2/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:18:18 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 647 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301918.4f02bc3d@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059621498 12066 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:18:18 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:18:18 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:471 CONTINUED from part 1 > > And then, alas, the Council. Tom: Alas, poor Council! I knew it well. > > Boromir was raving about using the Ring as a weapon, Crow: [Boromir, swishy] I tell you, that ring is to *die* for! Joel: Literally. > holding Elronds > steady gaze with all the pride and passion of the old Numenorean > Kings, Crow: Elrond's not looking terribly masculine, either. > showing so much more guts Tom: --Than he will when he becomes the human pincushion? I doubt that seriously. > towards this elven warrior who had > fought next to Elendil and Gil-Galad at the slopes of Mount Doom, Joel: Drizzt? Tom: And lo, the Keebler elf did boldly step forth. > so > much more conviction and purpose than I had ever been able to gather > under Elronds ever slightly disapproving gaze. Tom: [Aragorn] I mean, elves are CREEPY, with those pointy ears and all! > > I enjoyed watching him, then. Joel: [narrator] But I got over it. > > I admired the way he spoke so much that I almost overlooked the fact > that Joel: --He was Boromir? > though his speech was more than eloquent and convincing, what he > actually proposed would lead us into sure defeat. Crow: He talks the talk, but fails to walk the walk. > > Shocked by the fact that my personal weaknesses were able to cloud my > mind so thoroughly, Joel: Yeah, 'cause *that* never happens. > I was careless enough to voice my disapproval. All: D'oh! Tom: [Aragorn/Homer Simpson] Did I say that, or did I think it? > > It did stop Boromir raving only for a mere second. Crow: Bonking him on the head with Gimli's axe worked better. > Then the broad > Gondorian Crow: Gondorian Broad? > prince turned to me with all intensity, Joel: [Aragorn] And plunged his blade deep into my chest! > asking spitefully > what a mere ranger might know about such matters. Tom: [newscaster] Talks at the Ring Summit broke down today in class- based fighting.... > His reaction was not > unexpected, and I was relieved that now it would be my turn to speak > and inspire. Crow: Hallelujah! Tom: Glory Be!! Joel: Ayyy-men! > > But unexpectedly and unfortunately, it was my friend Legolas who > raised his voice before me. Crow: [Legolas] Boromir, are you available Friday night, say, around eight? > > "This", he said, "is no mere Ranger. Tom: [Legolas] He's SUPER-RANGER! > His name is Aragorn, son of > Arathorn." Joel: Thanks for telling us who he is, several pages in! > > And with speaking for me, he clearly showed Boromir that even in the > eyes of a friend of mine, I was not able to fight for myself, not even > with words. Crow: He's a word-wuss. Tom: A prose-pussy. Joel: A composition-coward. > > "He is Elendils heir, and you owe him your allegiance." Joel: [Legolas] And your union dues. Pay up. > > Legolas, friend of many summers, Tom: Legolas is just a fair-weather friend. Joel: Did Aragorn go all native on us, or is it just me? > I know you meant well, trying to rid > me of an Crow: Annoying Boromir? > introduction you deemed below my status. But unwillingly, you > took away my Tom: [Aragorn] Fragile masculinity! Curse you, Legolas! [weeps] > chance for action, and all that was left for me was to > sit, smile, and nod. Tom: [Aragorn] Der... Joel: Kind of like what we've been doing for the past few years. > > "Elendils heir?" Boromir pressed out Tom: Passed out? Here we go again... > after a moment of stunned silence. Joel: Once again, ol' Boromir's not too quick on the uptake. > > Full of spite he looked at me, full of spite I did neither deserve nor > wanted, Tom: [hick Aragorn] I shore did neither! Crow: Gondor must be in the deep, backwoodsy south. > surely not from a man all I desired of was friendship and Crow: ...a quickie, and... > maybe a reciprocation of the admiration a felt for him. > > "Gondor has no king", Crow: [Boromir, camp] It has a *queen*, thweetie! > Boromir said lowly, Tom: First he's regal, and now he's humble. Which is it? > an unveiled threat in his > eyes. Joel: Good--Boromir would look awful in a veil. > > And then, with indisputable finality he added: Tom: [Boromir] Especially not after I kill you. > "Gondor needs no > king." Joel: [Boromir] It needs SPIDERMAN! > and sat down. > > That very moment, it took me all my strength of will not to stand up Tom: [Aragorn] And run far, far away. Joel: Made his saving throw, then! Good. > and beat his arrogant face to mush in the middle of the council, right > under the ever disapproving gaze of Elrond. Joel: [Elrond] Never forget, I'm better than you. Crow: Aragorn seems to have this paranoia about Elrond, eh? > > I was not inferior to him, not in any way. Tom: [Aragorn] Just because my family didn't bake delicious cookies... Joel: I think he means Boromir. > I did not choose the > occupations and failures of my ancestors Tom: That would be a little tough, unless you've got a time-travel spell. > and above all, I did not > deserve that spite he flung at me so balefully. Joel: Better watch out when the spite hits the fan... > I desired his > friendship and his trust, and was willing to go a long way to gain > them, Crow: Just wait until you see how long... Joel: Can it, Crow! > but therefore his glaring rejection only hurt all the worse. Tom: [Aragorn] Perhaps it was his laser-beam eyes, burning into my flesh. > > The council went on, Crow: [Aragorn] ...and on, and on--gods, will it never end?! > and with much struggle and useless dispute Joel: Sounds like a Board of Directors meeting. > it was > decided to destroy the Ring, to carry it into Mordor and bring it to > the place of its forging to destroy it forever. Tom: As opposed to destroying it just for a minute or two? > > It was the halfling Frodo who, while all the other heroes of the free > people still bickered among themselves, decided to take on the burden > and try the impossible. Tom: He attempted to interrupt Boromir? > He is a valiant chap, true-hearted and > fearless Crow: [Aragorn] And so very, very cute, with his cupid-bow lips and big, blue...er, but I get ahead of myself... > if need be, and I knew then and still know that he was one of > the people I had pledged to serve and protect Joel: [Aragorn] When I joined Middle Earth's Finest! > by either live or death. > > Joining his side Tom: They're becoming Siamese Twins. > and pledging my loyalty was natural and came to me > like breathing, and it filled me with pride to see Gimli and Legolas Crow: [Aragorn] Run off into the woods together, arm-in-arm. > come up and stand for their races. Joel: [sings] Stand by your--race... > > But also Boromir stood up and offered to join, leading the company to Tom: Certain doom? Crow: Untimely demise? Joel: Subway? [The bots glare at him.] Joel: What? All this talk of sandwiches is making me hungry. > his home first and then to wherever necessary. Crow: Isn't that sweet? Boromir's having them all over for dinner! > > I was glad, for one, for his sword and shield surely would be in high > demand on our journey Crow: I'll bet his "sword" will be in demand... > and I looked forward to spend some more time > with him and so might be given chance to build up the trust and > friendship I hoped for. Tom: Maybe he'll let you pet him if you let him sniff your hand first, Aragorn. Crow: ...I could, but I just will not go there... Joel: I'm sure we'll get there soon enough. > > Yet the gaze Boromir fixed me with Tom: Doesn't Boromir realize Aragorn's no good to him "fixed"? > while offering his aid was a clear > challenge to me, doubting my motives and my abilities for such pivotal > a task, as well as the overall idea of our quest. Joel: Wait--so now Boromir doesn't even want to go?! > > I hated him for his stubbornness Joel: As do we all, Aragorn. As do we all. > and unnecessary spite, for the fact > that the company needed him and the fact that I longed for his > acceptance. Crow: [Aragorn] ...and beer. I long for REALLY good beer. Tom: Joel, why on Earth would Aragorn long for Boromir's acceptance? He's a complete jerk. Joel: Apparently Aragorn has extremely low self-esteem. > > So once again, I only smiled and nodded and welcomed him into the > Fellowship of the Ring. Tom: [Aragorn] Der...good Boromir...der... > > And hated his guts for tearing me apart. Crow: [Aragorn] No, wait, those are *my* guts! Eww! > > * Joel: [sings] Good morning, Starshine/The earth says hellooooo... > > The following weeks our company set out along the foothills of the > Misty Mountains, trying to reach the Gap of Rohan before it would be > closed by our enemies. Tom: It's a going-out-of-business sale at The Gap of Rohan. Crow: Boromir wants new cargo pants! > Spending every day in close company with > Boromir, I began to observe Joel: [Aragorn] ...that he had the worst personal hygiene of anyone I'd ever met. Tom: Like Mr. I-never-bathe-out-in-the-woods has any reason to talk. > him more closely, in a vain attempt to > unravel the thoughts behind that face that had put my innermost self > into such a turmoil. Crow: That's a short thread, Aragorn. > > It must have been the day we later on would decide to take a try on > the pass of Caradhras, Crow: They're making a pass at Caradhras? Must be an impressive peak. Joel: Shut up, Crow. > when my observation finally bore fruit, though > be it most unexpected ones. Tom: His observation bore kiwi. > > We had stopped on a stony hilltop for our midday meal and some rest, > when Boromir started to give some sword-lessons to Merry and Pip, Joel: The little English boy from "South Park"? What's he doing here? > as > he had done regularly for the last days after he had learned that none > of the halflings had ever wielded a blade. Tom: [Merry] At least, that's what we like you huge, easy-to-hit guys to THINK... Crow: Is anyone else disturbed by that whole passage, or is it just me? > I sat nearby, watching the > three attacking, parading Tom: So they're all marching in formation up there? Is he showing the hobbits how to goose-step by the grandstand? > and counterattacking playfully, so much like > boys and their teacher. Crow: Teachers get fired for playing with boys in that way, don't they? Joel: [sings] I got it bad, BAD, so bad...I'm hot for teeeeeeeCHA! Tom: JOEL! > Though martial in intend, it was a scene of > peaceful companionship, Tom: Having at each other with swords seems sooo peaceful. > and I was glad that at least the two young > halflings could be at ease with the prince. Joel: They were all jammin' to "Tonight we're going to party like it's Shire Year 1399." > > Then suddenly, for whatever reason, Merry dropped his sword with a > yell of anguish, more surprised than painful. Crow: Gotta hate it when all the fight goes out of your "sword" like that... > Boromir at once tried to > see if he had accidentally hurt the halfling, but unsuspectedly Merry > kicked his chin Joel: [chuckles] Ah, it's the Middle Earth version of the Three Stooges! > and all of a sudden the two boys were on top of the > huge warrior, all three brawling like kids in the hay. Crow: Oh, yeah. That's what "kids" in the "hay" do... > > They laughed and shouted, and seeing Boromirs face, I realised I had Tom: [Aragorn] --Better throw myself at the mercy of the first band of orcs I saw, posthaste. > never before seen him laughing. He was at ease, for the first time > since I met him, Crow: [Boromir] Dude, pipeweed is starting to kick in... Tom: Is it true that if you lick a hobbit, you get a buzz? > and like the mirth glowing in Boromirs eyes, an > unsuspected warmth blossomed in my heart. Joel: [Aragorn] I knew I shouldn't have eaten that troll jerky for supper. Crow: The balrog's back, and this time, it's personal. > > I had not passed all my youth in Rivendell under the unforgiving > tutelage of Elrond and his folks Tom: Yo, man, Elrond's down with his folks, man. Crow: His peeps, yo. > not to know how to listen when my > heart speaks. Joel: Of course, when his *head* speaks, it's an entire other matter. Crow: I really doubt that it's his *heart* that's doing all the talking here... > Elves might be fair and wise, Tom: Or not, if all the Legolas fanfic is to be believed. > and it is probably right > because of that, that they draw back to a respectful distance when > confronted with the emotions of men. Tom: Or maybe they just don't go in with that whole gay thing? > > An elves passion is all-encompassing, enduring, steady, yet Joel: Elves still consume a large amount of tissues and Haagen-Dazs ice cream at times of heartache, to their credit. > even their > wisdom and control pales when confronted with the devouring fire a > mortals emotions can grow to. Crow: [Aragorn] Yep, we mortals often spontaneously combust when *we* fall in love. Top that, you poncy elf gits! > > And grow they will, Tom: [Telly Savalas] Yessss, baby! > if left unchecked and unharnessed, and therefore I > have been trained since my youth to listen to my emotions, to > understand them and deal with their demands. Joel: [Aragorn] But their little voices, calling, "Feed me! Feed me!" in the night, are seriously beginning to grate on my nerves! > > Thus, when Boromirs laughter entered my heart, I knew that I had > fallen to an enemy far harder to deal with than orcs. Tom: [Aragorn] But making orcs bleed is much much more fun. Wanna watch? Crow: You sure it's more fun than making Boromir bleed? > The very moment > that warmth radiated from my heart Crow: [Aragorn] ...and the pain radiated down my arm, I knew I was having a heart attack. Stupid Boromir. > and filled all my being with > gladness, I knew it to be Joel: A commercial for Cotton: the Fabric of Our Lives. > love. > > I loved that stubborn, short-tempered Gondorian prince for being > exactly himself, Tom: Yeah, 'cause he sure *sounds* loveable... > wanted to see him fight next to me, wanted to ease > his burden, Crow: Oh, we're getting to that. > be his consolance, wanted him. > > What an ill-placed infatuation, I thought, and placed even worse. Joel: So, it's placed even worse than badly. Wow. > > I could not let myself suffer from such a liability, not now, when all > my senses should be focused and alert. Tom: He needs better Boromir insurance. > > Right then, my feelings were hardly more than a crush, Crow: They turned the future king of Men into a giddy schoolgirl. My stomach hurts. Joel: You don't have a stomach. Crow: It would hurt if I had one. > but they would > grow, inevitably, if I Joel: [Aragorn] Watered them and gave them fertilizer and sunlight. > spent my days in Boromirs company any longer. > But leaving the company was not an option, Tom: [Aragorn] The job market was lousy at the moment. > neither was it one to make > Boromir leave us, a thing he would never do alive. Crow: [Aragorn] So I made up my mind then and there to kill him and be done with it. > > Aggravating was the fact that I was pledged to Arwen, Elronds > daughter, and that my feelings for her were by no means diminished. Crow: [Aragorn] Can you say hot manwich with a side of elf, baby? > Nor were they secondarised, Tom: Huh? Crow: What? Joel: I'm as confused as you are. > they just were not the only ones in my > heart any longer. Tom: [Arwen] Yeah, yeah! Tell it to the judge when I sue you for palimony, buster! Joel: No, Aragorn, you're right. Having feelings for someone other than your lifelong love in no way diminishes her place in your heart. Especially not when the other person is Boromir. > > Yet on the other hand, I did not know if I were to survive to the day > I would be to marry her, Tom: At the rate he's going, he's not going to survive the day he tells her about his journey with Boromir. > nor was I to know if Boromir would be alive > long enough to be of any concern to any of us then. Crow: Since he's no concern to any of you now? > > So I clamped down on my heart, freezing emotion with Tom: Liquid nitrogen? Crow: Dry ice? Joel: Carbonite? > necessity, and > told myself that if ever both of us would survive, I would deal with > it when the time were right. Joel: Nothing like solving these touchy situations by...putting them off. Crow: I sense one AWESOME episode of Jerry Springer taking shape here. > In war, there is no place for games of > love, even less so if love unrequited might prove detrimental to the > task ahead. Tom: Yes, best to stew about it endlessly so that it clouds your mind to iniquity. > > My musings then were cut short by a swarm of Dunland crows, spying in > service of Isengard. Crow: Well, at least it wasn't flying monkeys. Then you'd REALLY be in trouble. > I was sure that an enemy known is an enemy almost > defeated, Joel: That's some fine logic there, that is. > and thought this problem mostly solved when my mind was put > to more recent matters at hand. Crow: [Aragorn] Ew, could the hair on my palms be any *thicker*?! CONTINUED in part 3 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 3/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:19:32 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 586 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301919.57415835@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059621573 12109 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:19:33 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:19:33 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:472 CONTINUED from part 2 > > * Tom: It's the abbreviated version of that Van Gogh painting.... > > But how my confidence in my resolve was betrayed. Joel: It promised it could get grape juice out of my carpet! > > For yes, an enemy known will never get you by surprise, yet it can > still wear a man down by constant attacks. Crow: Apparently Aragorn has discovered Boromir's true nature. > > During the long darkness in Moria, Joel: So, Moria's in Sweden, or Alaska, is it? > I often found myself looking at > Boromir, Tom: [Aragorn] Murder in my thoughts.... > cherishing his proximity, damming his voluntary distance. Joel: Is Boromir's distance pooling behind a pile of logs? Tom: Maybe it's generating a cheap form of electricity. Crow: It's generating something cheap, all right. > > He was a man worthy to fight at my side, to be at my side. And yet, > his constant rejection, negligent sometimes, baleful mostly, rankled > me beyond belief. Joel: [pissy Aragorn] I cannot abide being ignored! > > I was no less worthy, not by an inch. Crow: So no longer envious, then? Guess he *measured up*--nudge, nudge. > > I never let my guard slip, never uttered a word that was not carefully > weighted, never let show neither my hate nor my love. Tom: Ooh, a double negative! Two negatives equal a positive! > And yet, he did > not accept me. Joel: [Boromir] This Aragorn's defective. Send it back. > > Even when fighting orcs together in the deep mines of Moria, when > battle had brought us together back to back, shoulder to shoulder, he > always drew back on purpose as soon as the fight allowed. Crow: Boromir should know that the withdrawl method is the least effective of the lot. > > Whenever I looked at him to see if through mutual battle the ice that > separated us might have broken, Joel: [Aragorn] In the hopes that he'd fallen through to his death... > he always caught up my look, smiled at > me with a twisted snarl Tom: So...not a smile, then. > and eyes so spiteful it hurt far more than all > the bruises and scratches the orcs had managed to give me. Joel: If looks could...wound? > And than he > always turned back to battle again, with renewed fervor, as if to show > me that the only thing he needed less than my friendship was my sword. Crow: I have a feeling that'll change soon enough. > > I hated him for always rekindling my love, yet never allowing it to > reach him. > > I hated him. > > * Tom: StarKist says, "Sorry, Charlie." > > The last time he hurt me was when we just had left Moria. Gandalf the > Grey, dear friend and leader of our fellowship, had fallen under the > shadow. Joel: Must be a pretty frail guy, eh? > > All our hearts were wounded, and grief and shock were deep in all of > us. I looked into Boromir face and saw his pain, Tom: Someone should tell him to stop trying to think. > the fear of our > mission endangered, the fear of the last hope for his people lost. > > My only wish was to console him, to ease his pain, to be with him in > this grave moments. Tom: [Aragorn] Moments before I threw dirt over his cold, dead face? Crow: Ask for him tomorrow and you shall find him a grave man. > I went up to him, intending to offer my arms like > the friend of his I longed to be, Joel: So Aragorn's planning on tearing off his arms to give to Boromir? Tom: The things we do for love. > and for a moment it looked as if he > might accept my offer. Crow: He's exercising his right to bare arms. > > But then again, his face grew hard, Crow: Just his face? > his eyes glaring spitefully - and > abruptly he turned away to console Hobbits! Tom: [Aragorn] What have they got that I haven't got?! Crow: Oh, so many places I so won't go! > > I dearly loved our small companions, but Joel: [Aragorn] ...that is another fanfic entirely. > that very moment, I learned > what emotion it is that makes men kill their beloved ones. Tom: Yes, it's the same pure rage you feel every time Boromir opens his mouth. > > Boromirs rejection hurt deep, deeper than any before, for my heart too > was wounded, and could hardly stand this second blow. Crow: Wait! There was a first blow, and I missed it? > > But I urged down my Tom: [Aragorn] ...rising gorge... > pain, focused on more important matters at hand > and tried to stay with reason. Joel: "Reason" left a long time ago. > I called my friends to hurry on, for > soon the hills we stood upon would be overrun by orcs in search of us. Crow: Six Orcs in Search of a Fellowship. > > But Boromir, stouthearted Tom: ...and thickheaded... > as ever, stood up against me, Crow: [Aragorn] And then the music started, and we tangoed the night away. > calling me > heartless not to allow them a moment of grief for their fallen > comrade. > > Yes, Boromir, rightfully you called me heartless, for Tom: [Aragorn] I have this nifty electric pacemaker instead! > I had closed my > sore heart and did not want to hear anything it said. Joel: I get this image of Aragorn standing with his eyes shut and his hands over his ears, shouting "LA LA LA LA LA!" > But it was you, > with your arrogance, your unnecessary spite and constant rejection who > turned me heartless, so what right you had to blame me? > > It was you with your split soul Tom: Is Boromir Damien or something? One half good, and the other half evil beyond imagining? > who almost tore me apart, and your > allegations hurt all the more for they were justified and came from > you - Tom: Wow--thanks for clearing up where those allegations came from. > whose reprimands I could stand less than anybody elses. > > But then again, I managed to stay with reason, Joel: Now let's not jump to any conclusions... > to argue on with elven > calm in my voice, and though you almost broke my heart that day, we > were in Lorien before nightfall, all my pain buried deep beneath my > duty. Joel: Aragorn's like a dog, burying his pain, along with his duty, in the back yard. Tom: He'll dig it all up in a few days and track it in the house, you watch. > > * Tom: [quoting Shakespeare] From forth the fatal loins of these two foes/A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life/Whose misadventured piteous overthrows/do with their death bury their readers' strife. > > Much has been said about Galadriel, the Lady of the Woods, many things > true, yet most of it mere rumors, Joel: [Aragorn] We're just good friends, really! > but one thing above all has ever > been true: Tom: She really isn't a natural blonde! > > Whoever looks into the eyes of Galadriel will never again leave the > forest of Lothlorien, Crow: Once they get a taste of that hot forest witch lovin', they never look back! > for her eyes see deep into the hearts of elves, > dwarves, men or halflings. Tom: But she just doesn't *get* orcs. > And whatever she sees, it will change the > one facing her gaze, and he will be someone else upon leaving. Joel: They become Transformers--more than meets the eye! Crow: Orc battles just got THAT much cooler! > > I had seen her before, and I never dreaded her gaze as did many others > I knew. Tom: That's because she changed you and made you not yourself. So you forgot it all. Kinda like _Clean Slate_. > Any thought of Boromir, together with my sore heart, was > utterly yet unintendedly forgotten, Joel: How convenient. > my mind bent on our task, trying > to find a way to deal with the loss of our guide and leader. Tom: [Aragorn] Dick Gephart, WHY?! > > But however deep my pain was buried, the eyes of Galadriel see deeper, Crow: Wow--she has x-ray vision like Superman! > and for the first time in my life, she did find something in my heart > she did not approve of when at dusk we were presented to her and her > husband Celeborn. Tom: A heart murmur? Crow: A valve defect? Joel: Heart disease due to a poor diet of nothing but lots and lots of red meat? > > 'REMEMBER', she said, Joel: [Galadriel] ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES. > without a word, a voice pounding my head like a > hammer of ice. Crow: Wouldn't a hammer of ice shatter and stuff? Ah, just go with it, I suppose. Tom: [sings, as Aragorn] If she had a hammer, she'd hammer in the morning, she'd hammer in the evening, all over my head.... > 'I AM GALADRIEL, MOTHER OF CELEBRIAN, THE MOTHER OF > ARWEN UNDOMIEL.' Joel: Galadriel hasn't learned yet that shouting isn't polite, apparently. > > Her look turned into a threat, politely still, yet more intimidating > than any I had encountered before. Crow: The word on the street is Galadriel used to be a civil servant. > > 'I WILL NOT LET MY DAUGHTERS DAUGHTER GIVE HER HEART TO ANY MORTAL MAN > WHOSE HEART IS NO LONGER HIS OWN TO GIVE HER IN TURN.' Joel: This is every guy's worst nightmare times ten. Crow: The grandmother-in-law from hell! > > Shocked, Tom: [Aragorn] I realized someone had literally stolen my heart and that I shouldn't have even been able to stand and speak. I promptly rectified the situation by falling over dead, thus ending the story. The end. > for a mere thought I was tempted to deny, Crow: [Aragorn] But I knew Boromir-gate would come back to haunt me. > but well aware whom > I faced, I lowered my head, awaiting judgement, Joel: I had a puppy once that behaved like that when it peed on the carpet. > shamefully realising > that I had utterly overlooked her relation to my betrothed. Tom: Not the brightest star in the sky, is he? > > 'THE HEARTS OF MAN ARE SO WEAK, AND YET SO STRONG', her wordless voice > thundered in my head. Crow: The words of elves are so sure, and yet so indecisive. > > 'AND EVEN THE WISEST DOES NOT KNOW THE PURPOSE OF EACH THING.' Joel: Now them's some words to live by. > > I looked up to meet her eyes again, unsure what punishment she might > issue for my faithlessness. Crow: Maybe castration? Tom: That would be a blessing. > > 'YOU KNOW YOURSELF WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT AILS YOU. Joel: [Aragorn] Yeah...pretty sure it's heartburn. > WITHIN THESE FORESTS, > YOU WILL REST. AND YOU WILL GATHER THE COURAGE TO FACE YOUR ENEMY, FOR > FEELINGS UNSPOKEN WILL START TO FESTER.' Crow: [Galadriel] YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME. Joel: Oh, I knew THAT was coming. > > 'FATE MIGHT NOT ALLOW YOU A SECOND CHANCE, AND THUS MIGHT LEAVE YOU > SCARRED AND ILL PREPARED FOR TRIALS YET TO COME.' Joel: [Aragorn] Boy, am I glad I came to the safety of Lothlorien. > > We were released then, and stunned by shame for both my failure > towards Arwen and my thoughtless facing of her mothers mother, Tom: [Aragorn] Double D'oh! > I left. > I went last, behind the remaining fellowship as we descended to the > base of the trees, Crow: [Aragorn] --Hoping a stray orc would pick me off and end my misery. > as Galadriel once again sent her thundering voice > after me. Joel: Ooo, Aragorn got a Howler. > > 'YOU WILL SORT THIS OUT, ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN, BEFORE YOU LEAVE > THESE WOODS.' she scolded, soundlessly, unemotionally, yet loud enough > to make me flinch. Crow: [Aragorn] Yes, Mum. Tom: [Galadriel] AND TAKE A SWEATER WITH YOU--IT'S CHILLY IN THE GLEN. > > 'SETTLE THIS TO ANY OUTCOME, YET SETTLE IT YOU WILL, OR OUR YOUNG > HUMAN HERO MIGHT FIND HIMSELF UNABLE TO CLAIM THE PRIZE HE HAS BEEN > REACHING FOR SO MANY YEARS.' Tom: Isn't he, like, 80 or somethig? Crow: Yeah, but she's about 3000, so it's all good. > > It took some time for her words to find the way to my Tom: [Aragorn] --brain, as they were floundering about in all the empty space in my head. > heart, but when > they did, it almost made me stumble. For Galadriel had not deemed me > outright unsuitable for her daughters daughter, nor had she ordered me > to abandon all thought of Boromir. Crow: So she insinuated a threesome? Joel: Ah, blessed ambiguity! Not really sure how I feel about it, though... > What solely she had demanded of me > was to settle this issue between the prince and me while we were still > in the relative safety of Lothlorien. Tom: What's safe about a place where Galadriel can kill you any time you piss her off? > No disappointment had been in > her voice, nor anger, just the ever-present, mildly condescending > understanding of an elf talking to a man. Joel: Elves talk to men like men talk to puppies. > > I have spend many years living among elves as one of them, Crow: Now he'll publish a best-selling book, _Fey Like Me_. > yet even I > cannot claim to truly understand them. Tom: That's okay, you lost the audience way back in part one, anyway. > Many things do look far clearer > to me in retrospective, Joel: [sings, as Aragorn] Lately it occurs to meeeee.../What a long, strange trip it's been. > but when I arrived at our camp at the base of > the trees that night, Crow: So, it was "base camp," then? Tom: You're not kidding. > I admittedly was at my wits end. Tom: Not a very far distance to travel, that. [They stand and leave the theater.] [SoL. The lights are dimmed, except for a spotlight on Joel, who stands in the center of the bridge. On each side of him is a little podium with an electric buzzer on top. Peppy music plays over the speakers.] Joel: [game show host manner] Good evening, ladies and germs! It's time to play "What's True About Galadriel?" But first, let's meet our contestants for tonight. Our first contestant hails from the Satellite of Love. His hobby is collecting underwear. Please welcome--TOM SERVO!" [Tom enters as canned applause plays.] Tom: Thank you, thank you. [He takes his place at the podium on Joel's right.] Joel: Our second contestant, also from the Satellite of Love, lists his main hobby as "bugging Servo." Please welcome--CROW T. ROBOT! [Crow also enters to canned applause.] Crow: Great to be here, Joel! Joel: Good to have you with us. [Crow gets behind the other podium.] Joel: OK, now I'm just going to remind you of the rules. I'll read a statement about Galadriel. The first one to hit the buzzer will tell me if it's true or false. If you're correct, you earn 10 points. If incorrect, you lose 10 points. [drumroll sounds] Joel: Are you ready to play? On your marks... [he pulls some 3x5 index cards out of his pocket] Many things have been said about Galadriel, Lady of the Woods. Is this statement true or false? "She used to date David Bowie." [Tom pecks the buzzer with his beak.] Tom: Um...false? Joel: Correct! [Tom's score changes to 10.] Next one..."She's a grandmother." [Crow buzzes in.] Crow: Ooh--I know this! True. Joel: Correct! [Crow's score changes to 10.] Tom: Oh, don't get cocky now, Crow. You know I'm gonna win. Joel: Next statement: "She likes raw herring." [Tom buzzes in] Tom: [confidently] False! Joel: Actually, Tom, that's true. She used to catch them with her bare hands, back in the Smeagol days. Now she owns a chain of sushi restaurants in Lothlorien, Rivendell, and Mirkwood. [Tom's score changes to 0.] Joel: OK, moving along..."She and Elrond had a wild fling back in the Second Age which resulted in a bastard love child." [Crow buzzes in.] Crow: False! Joel: That's correct, Crow. They did have a wild fling, but no children resulted. [Crow's score changes to 20.] Crow: I know, because elves take forever to breed and all. I read that somewhere. Joel: Next..."Her star sign is Virgo." [Crow buzzes in again.] Crow: False. Scorpio. Tom: Hey! I was going to say that! Joel: Awww--too bad. But you didn't buzz in, Tom. In any case, Crow is correct--her sign is Scorpio. [Crow's score changes to 30.] Joel: Next statement--"Her husband's name is Celeborn." [Tom buzzes in] Tom: That's obviously false. No one could have a name that stupid! Joel: I'm afraid that's true, Tom. Tom: I knew it! Joel: No, I mean her husband's name really is Celeborn. Tom: What?! [His score changes to -10.] Crow: "Celeborn" sounds kind of like "Servo," doesn't it? Tom: You take that back! Joel: Gentlemen, if we may continue..."She uses the Mirror to primp for 4 hours every morning." Crow: [buzzes in] That's true, Joel. How else could she get all that hair to stay in place? Joel: Right you are! [Crow's score changes to 40.] Tom: This is rigged! Crow: Sour grapes, Servo! Tom: Why, you--! Joel: Maybe we should end this right here, boys? Tom: NO! I have to get my opportunity to crush Crow into the ground! Joel: All right, then...Next statement, true or false: "In high school, she played center on the Tirion field hockey team." [Tom buzzes in] Tom: TRUE! Joel: I'm sorry, that's false. She was the goalie. [Tom's score changes to -20.] Crow: Face it, you don't know Jack about Galadriel! Joel: Okay, okay. It's time for the final round. This one is worth 50 points, and you both get to answer it. Is this true or false? "She's a pervy hobbit fancier." Tom? Tom: I say that's false. Joel: Crow? Crow: True. Joel: Well, the answer is...false. [Tom's score changes to 30 and Crow's changes to -10.] Tom: YES! YES! YES! I did it! Woo-hoo! Crow: I object! Didn't you see the way she was looking at Frodo in the mirror scene? She so wanted him! Joel: Um, well...you have a point. I'm going to have to ask for a judge's decision. Magic Voice? Magic Voice: I've gotta side with Crow on this one. That was lust if I ever saw it. [Tom's score changes to -70 and Crow's changes to 90. At this point, Tom emits a scream of pure rage and hurls himself at Crow. Joel moves in to try to separate them, when Movie Sign starts flashing again. Joel throws his index cards up in a panic and they float gently down as....] Joel: Guys! Guys! We got MOVIE SIIIIIIIGN! [Door sequence. They enter the theater and sit down.] CONTINUED in part 4 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 4/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:20:36 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 686 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301920.276b4dc2@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059621637 12171 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:20:37 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:20:37 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:473 CONTINUED from part 3 > * Joel: [singing] Well, I know that you are a shooting star... > > It must have been mere hours later, when the others were preparing for > the night, that I noticed Boromir Joel: The future King of Men isn't too perceptive, is he? I mean, Boromir's *huge*. > sitting apart, Tom: Pull it together, man! > on a stone > overlooking some darker, less inhabited dale of the forest. Crow: Like "The Thinker". Tom: I think we can safely rule that out, eh? > > "Try to get some sleep", I said, walking up to him, trying to sound > neither patronising nor sheepish. Crow: Maybe Boromir likes sheep? Joel: Don't even, Crow. > "The borders of this forest are well guarded. Joel: Curse this leafy prison! > We are > safe here." Crow: Yeah...that's what he *wanted* you to think. > > He looked at me, his eyes unsteady Tom: ...after all the dope he's been doing... > with pain and worry, and answered: Joel: [Boromir] Aragorn, I've been having these disturbing thoughts deep in my subconscious that I might be a little gay. What do you think? > "I will > find no peace here among these trees." Crow: [Boromir] I never knew trees could *really* scream. I can't take it any more! > > He looked at me again and finally, for the first time, Crow: [Aragorn] Realized I was actually a man. > confided in me. > > "She has seen into my heart", he said softly, barely hidden terror in > his voice. Joel: [Boromir] She told me my arteries are clogged and I'll need to go on a low-fat diet. Tom: [Aragorn, sympathetically] Dude, that sucks! > > I half expected to find some grim satisfaction to see him so > vulnerable and even more shaken than myself, Crow: [Aragorn] I like my Boromir shaken, not stirred. > yet it was only the wish > to console him, Joel: Like a big TV from the 1970s? > to ease this burden that wore down his heavy > shoulders, Tom: Aragorn could volunteer to carry Boromir's backpack. That might be helpful. > that I found within me. > > I sat down next to him, and he began to talk, reluctant at first, then > ever more freely, Crow: [Aragorn] And then on and on, endlessly, until the only thought that filled my brain was the desire to kill him and be done with his noise forever. > about his fear to fail his people, to loose the war, Joel: What a great Steward, loosing the war upon his people like that! > to fail to hold up > to his own expectations. Tom: Lowered Expectations Dating Service could use good men like Boromir. > And then, finally letting down his usually > ever-present guard, Crow: [Boromir] Okay, Jack. You can go home now. Stand down, soldier. > he began to talk about how he missed his home of Minas Tirith. How > the white towers gleamed in the morning light like so much Tom: --Teeth, treated with Crest WhiteStrips. > pearl and > the feeling of being called home by the clear sound of Joel: --The little ChuckWagon, coming out from under the sink. > silver horns. > > "I have a dream", he said, Tom: Channeling Dr. King, in another dimension... > smiling at me sadly. "One day, we both will ride into > the White City, Joel: [Boromir] --and order hamburgers at the White Castle. > and all the folk will be there, Tom: Including his peeps, yo? > hailing us, shouting > 'Alas, the Lords of Gondor have returned!'" Crow: [The folk of Gondor] Shoot! We thought they were gone for good. Just when you start to celebrate... > > And he smiled at me again, offering me a truce with his kind words > after so much useless suffering. Tom: So Boromir finally stopped talking? Crow: That was *Aragorn* suffering uselessly, right? During Boromir's tirade? Joel: No, I think it was *us*. > > Yet it was exactly the one kind of truce I could not accept. I could > be second to none, Joel: Aragorn is TO THE X-TREME!! > nor could I share my rule Tom: Aragorn apparently missed that lesson about sharing in preschool. Crow: [Aragorn] My rule! Mine! You can't play with it! > with however valiant a knight. I hated my > fate, dealing me a lover I could never reach, Joel: [Aragorn] Curse my short Ranger arms! > and then, when finally > he turned to accept me, Crow: [Boromir] I *guess* this Aragorn will have to do... > having to reject him myself. I tried to sit > back, to be quiet and say nothing, Tom: [Aragorn] In the hopes that he would just get the hint and go away. > just to keep this moment of mutual friendship unblemished, Joel: Break out the social Stridex. > but I > could not. Not with the memory of Galadriels voice pounding in the > back of my head. Tom: [Aragorn] ...like a hangover I could never forget in all my days. > > "There will never be two Lords of Gondor", I said softly, Joel: [Aragorn] Not after I KILL YOU! > painfully > aware of how much effort it cost me. Crow: I didn't know Aragorn was a stutterer. > > Boromir just sat there, and I already feared that he might Tom: --Catch a second wind and start talking again? > have > overheard my words, when finally he turned around to face me, with all > the sadness of the world in his eyes. Crow: That's gotta hurt some, eh? > > "I know..", he said, tears all but strangling his voice. Joel: I bet Aragorn is wishing secretly that the tears had strangled more than Boromir's voice. Tom: I know *I* am. Crow: The voice might be enough... > > It broke my heart. All: Awwww! > > "Why--", I started, surprised by the fact that I had to bite back > tears, too. Crow: Couple of manly-men, these. > > "Why don't we go for a walk, so that we won't disturb the others", I > proposed, Tom: Wait, they're getting married already? That was quick. > gently nodding towards the rest of our company, mainly busy getting > some sleep. Crow: Except for the hobbits, who were going at it like rabbits in springtime. > > For a moment Boromir thoughtfully Joel: Okay, okay--that blew the whole story for me. How far out of character can we get? > looked where I had been pointing to, > then nodded and rose. Crow: and thus, the sex scene begins. > With a quiet gesture of good will he offered me Tom: [Aragorn] --A sandwich! Gods bless him, I'm his! > one of his broad hands to Crow: [Aragorn] --Slap the side of my face. Damn Gandalf for insinuating that night around the campfire that I liked it rough... > help me, which I thankfully accepted. Tom: [Aragorn] Thank you, Boromir. May I have another? > The > last days had been draining our bodies to the limit, Joel: Like a huge, bright vampire. > and now, in > security, they started to demand some care with a vengeance. Tom: So, they need to care for...the days? > But an > aching heart will always overrule aching feet, Joel: Yes, heart attacks do tend to kill quicker than fallen arches. > and so we both set out > for a walk along the less populated areas of the forest. Crow: Most of the forest had become so crowded that it was almost like living in suburbia or something. Joel: It's like living in Ultima Online. > > * Joel: [sings] When you wish upon a star... > > We walked in silence for a while, the broad Gondorian prince Crow: So he's really a she? A princess? > and I, each one > seemingly sorting out his own messed-up emotions. Tom: [Aragorn] Boromir, your "love" is in my "despair". Crow: [Boromir] Yeah, well, your "heartbreak" is in my "desire". > > After some time, when the silence became oppressive, I managed to say: > > "We do have to talk." Joel: That usually preceedes the "Let's be friends" speech. > > How weak a line for a man expected to rule a country within a score of > month! Joel: Dude, that was weak! Tom: Does this month seem unusually long to any of you, or is it just me? > > But Boromir did not seem to notice or care for my obvious absence of > any form of expressional talent, Crow: Like Boromir'd recognize that if he saw it! Having none of his own, I mean. > and nodding slowly he answered, > equally sheepish: Joel: [Boromir] Baa. > > "Yes, we do." Tom: [Boromir] We do have to talk. Wish we could do the mind- projecting thing like that hippie elf chick. > > I attributed his muted voice to his encounter with the Lady Galadriel, Crow: Wore out his mouth, eh? Joel: That's base, even for you. > never > guessing it might stem from some other worry, one concerning me far > more personally. Crow: Think Boromir's worried about not measuring up once the clothes come off? Joel: I don't want to think about it, Crow. > > But facing an enemy within oneself is always harder than facing an > enemy outside, Tom: Just ask the people on the ship in _Alien_. > and it took me some considerable strength to ask: Crow: [Aragorn] So, Boromir...boxers or briefs? > > "Why have you always kept away yourself so much? Tom: I didn't know Aragorn was Pennsylvania Dutch! > I have tried so often > to treat you Joel: [Aragorn] But you keep insisting we go dutch! > as a friend, yet every time you rejected my offers." Crow: [Boromir] Oh, you just wanted to be *friends*? And all this time, I thought you were hitting on me. > > Abruptly, Boromir turned around and stared at me, all traces of > sadness wiped away by an expression of pure flaring anger. Crow: Flaming anger? Tom: Somebody's face should be red, after this. > > "You?!", he bellowed at me. "You tried to be friends?" Joel: [Aragorn] Well, aside from all those times I tried to kill you in your sleep, yeah. Crow: [Aragorn] You've gotta focus on the positive, man. > > He stepped up to me, his body emanating Tom: --Really nauseating body odor. > the feeling of physical power barely > hold in check. Crow: Hold in check...let cash roam free? > > Maybe my idea of opening our talk with something that might be > misunderstood as an allegation had not been so wise a move, Joel: Ya think?! > but it was > too late now. Tom: [Aragorn] Him being dead and all. All: D'oh! > > "You little upstart with your elven upbringing and your elven manners > and your elven haughtiness tried to be friendly?" Joel: [Boromir] I'm, like, so sure. Tom: I feel like I've wandered into an alternate-reality set of _Heathers_. > > He gave off a snorting laugh, saying Tom: [Boromir] Damn fine cocaine! > > "That's ridiculous!", Crow: No, Gollum doing a softshoe in a straw boater is ridiculous. Joel: Gandalf: P.I. Tom: Dwarf stacking. Crow: Halfling lap dances! Joel: Saruman in a tutu smoking a tube of pepsodent! Tom: The one pizza... TO RULE THEM ALL. All: THAT'S ridiculous. > and turned away, deeper into the woods. Joel: Of course, he can only go halfway into the woods before he's coming out again. Crow: There's all sorts of coming out in this story.... > > I stood, stunned by surprise and disbelief, and felt white-hot anger > welling up in me. Tom: Rejected friendship is like an inferno raging inside you. > Of all people of Middle-earth he dared to call me > haughty? Joel: Yeah, 'cause that reaction doesn't sound haughty at all... > Him, who tortured my heart from the beginning with constant Crow: Talking? > spite and rejection? > > I went after him, Tom: Well, that's what Boromir's wanted all along, right? Problem solved and story ended. Right? > all fatigue forgotten, yelling: > > "You stop now, son of the Steward of Gondor!" Tom: Back to preschool again for Aragorn, I see. > > Called by his title, he stopped and turned to see what I was coming up > with, his anger still clearly written in his face. Crow: I feel like I'm watching pro-wrestling. > > "You cannot call me haughty and walk away on me like that!" Joel: Does that seem like it should be followed by a "You bitch!" to anyone else? > > I came up to him and stood there, clearly in defiance of all his > allegations. Tom: [Aragorn] I object! It was *not* Miss Scarlet in the Billiard Room with the wrench! > > "Of all people you call me haughty? You, who never had a friendly word > for me, whatever I did? You, who turned away every time I offered > help? You, who--" Tom: Forget _Heathers_. Now it's _90210_. > > "SHUT up!", Boromir hissed, Tom: [Aragorn] Realizing I was right. > emanating pure physical threat. > > "Neither do I need your help, nor do I want it." Tom: [Aragorn] Fine! But the next time an orc shoots you full of arrows, don't come crying to *me*! > > Breathing heavily, Joel: Now he's a phone perv? Will wonders never cease? Crow: It's Middle-Earth. He's a palantir perv. > he stared at me with all the bile of the worlds in > his looks. Crow: Wow...that's...icky. > > "I do not need you, nor does Gondor need you. Joel: [Aragorn, singing] Nobody likes me/everybody hates me/I think I'll go eat worms... > And least of all, we > have a use for a king who'd care more about elves than for men!" Crow: They *do* have a use for such a king? Other than for target practice, that is? > > It was simply to much for me to bear. First this constant pain of our > non-relationship, Tom: If there is no relationship, how can there be anything to feel pain over? > his constant rejection, the loss of Gandalf, Joel: The rejection of Boromir is hardly on par with the loss of Gandalf. > Galadriels reprimand and now Boromir ridiculous insults. Tom: [Aragorn] I mean really, "Not-Quite-Elfy-Not-Quite-King"? Surely you can do better than that! > On other > days, I might just have laughed at his piteous efforts of > justification, Crow: As do we all, man, as do we all. > but that night, under the trees of Lorien, I physically > flung myself Tom: [Aragorn] --Off a cliff, thus ending my torment. > at him, only filled with the intend to tear his flesh and > stop his petrified, malicious little heart from beating forever. Tom: Um...if his heart is petrified, I doubt it's beating any. Joel: Semantics, Tom. How many times do I have to tell you? > > He must have had expected my attack, though, for he managed to avoid > my blow Crow: Funny, I thought that's what Boromir's been wanting all along? > and propel me into a nearby tree-root easily the size of a > man. Tom: [Aragorn] 'Twas a fine tree-root, and on first glance it was hard to decide between its company and that of Boromir. Crow: They're both of about equal intelligence. > > Grunting, he stepped towards me, but I managed to get on my feet > faster and lurched at him again. Joel: This is like watching "Hokey Pokey for Beginners." > This time, I caught him off-guard, Crow: Wait--did he just finish doing Jack, too? And after just letting the man have the night off... > and together we fell to the mossy ground, me on top of him both > beating each other mindlessly. Crow: So, they're-- Joel: That's enough out of you, buddy. > Going for faces and groins, Crow: But, Joel-- Joel: Just don't. > we brawled > like drunkards in front of a tavern, with bleeding noses and bleeding > knuckles. Tom: Three days later, their angsty foreplay continues.... > > Somehow his strong blows must have shifted my weight, Crow: Lightened his load, I'll bet. Joel: I'm going to wire your jaw shut, Crow. > for all of a > sudden, he bucked up wildly, jerking up his knees, Crow: Give the man a towel, for pity's sake! Joel: I mean it, Crow! I'm getting the pliers now! > thrusting me into > the moss next to him. Crow: Thrusting into me? > > Before I could recover, he was on top of me, raising his arms for a > final blow. Tom: Come on, Joel. You have to admit this double-entendre can't all be coincidence. > > Yet the expected blow never came. Crow: That must have been a let-down, eh? > > Instead, he let go of me after a moment, dropping himself next to a > moss-covered root. Tom: See? Now Boromir's going for the hot tree-root. > > I sat up, bewildered, for I honestly had expected a killing blow after Crow: [Aragorn] All that foreplay. > I had seen the mad rage he was capable of in his eyes. > > But Boromir sat there, mere meters away, his head between his knees, Joel: --Kissing his ass goodbye. Tom: Wow! I didn't know warriors were strong *and* flexible! Crow: Guess he didn't really need Aragorn after all... > strandy hair covering all his expressions. Tom: Strandy? Joel: Beats me. > > "Go away", he muttered defeatedly. "If you really tried to do good, > you leave me now." Tom: [Aragorn] It's "do *well*", you moron. Stupid Boromir. > > I wiped off snot and blood from my face Tom: There's an image I didn't need. Crow: Trust me--it could be worse. Joel: I'm sure it will be, before it's over. > and really thought about > leaving this mad scene, Joel: [Aragorn] "Rosemary for remembrance"? Pshaw! > but something in his voice All: [singing] "Is it in his voice?/Oh no, that's just his charm..." > made me stay, much > to my own fortune. Tom: [Dirty Harry] Ya feel lucky, Aragorn? Do ya, punk?! CONTINUED in part 5 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 5/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:21:37 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 724 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301921.2bf334f4@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059621698 12200 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:21:38 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:21:38 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:474 CONTINUED from part 4 > > "If you do hate me so much", I said, as soft as possible in my > slightly damaged condition. Tom: So his injuries make him only capable of...shouting? > > "Then why did you not kill me when you had a chance to?" Joel: [Boromir] Good point! Let's take care of that now, shall we? > > Boromirs head went up with a jerk and through the strands of his hair, > I could see his face gleaming wet. Crow: Hey--I thought he said the expected blow never came? > > "Hate you?", he asked bewildered, coughing up some blood himself in > turn. Joel: When did Boromir catch consumption? > > "Nay, I do not hate you, Aragorn, not at all." Tom: [Boromir] Trying to break your neck was just my way of saying "I care." > > And then, his voice trailing away almost to inaudibility, Crow: Ooh! Maybe it'll get stuck that way! > he added: > > "But you are not a man easily liked. Or loved." Joel: [Boromir] I know, because I've tried--and failed. Tom: He does that a lot. > > First I thought that my battered senses played me tricks, that I began > to hear words that had never been said Tom: Uh oh--Aragorn's hearing voices in his head. Joel: If they tell him to kill Boromir, he should listen. > merely because I wished them to > be said, but Boromirs expression I could not simply cast away as > illusion. Joel: [Aragorn] I keep trying to disbelieve, but, alas, he's still here. > > "I am not easily--what?", I asked, my voice far more coarse than > expected. Tom: [Aragorn] Where I developed that Cockney accent, I'll never know. > > "Liked", he answered. And then, with the saddest smile, but clearly > audible, he added: Joel: [Boromir] There was a time when I remembered what that word meant... > > "Or loved." > > "Loved?" I repeated, Joel: Apparently, Aragorn has caught Boromir's stupidity. > hating myself for my utter sheepishness, Crow: I think we've established that Boromir enjoys sheepishness... > yet > Boromir had noticed the sound of joyful surprise in my word. Joel: [Boromir] You remembered my birthday! Yay! > > "Yes, loved.", he said again, softly chuckling. Crow: Like a flasher softly chuckles right before he opens the raincoat? > > I was in a torrent of emotions. Tom: Maybe he'll drown in them. And take Boromir with him. > > Of all possible outcomes, this had been the most desired and yet, the > most unlikely one. Many words whirled in my head, Crow: See? That sets him apart from Boromir right there. Tom: Yeah--words only spew forth from Boromir's mouth. They never stop in his head for long. > so much to be said, > so much to be explained. Joel: It's okay--we don't need the explanation. Really. > > I was trying to catch at least one of these well-formed sentences, Tom: [Aragorn] But alas, my butterfly net had a hole in it, and I couldn't get a single specimen! > if > only to express my joy and mutual feelings, Crow: Both of them? > yet before I was to make a > single thought, Tom: [Aragorn] Boromir started talking again. I so want to kill him. > I was brought back to the scene by a hand, softly > touching my face. Joel: [Aragorn] Not now, Legolas. > > It was Boromir, whom I had not noticed to stand up, kneeling between > my legs, his face mere inches away from mine, Crow: From his face, I hope? > taking a strand of my > hair out of my face. Crow: Whew! > > I was bewildered by such a gentle gesture of so strong a man, Joel: [Lenny/Boromir] And I get to tend the rabbits... > mesmerised by his face that, though scraped and beaten and smeared > with blood and tears, Tom: Yes, Boromir's not exactly easy on the eyes, is he? > seemed to me of such an indescribable and > breathtaking beauty that I simply stopped thinking. Tom: At least they can relate now. > > And then, as if trying to call back my fleeing mind, Crow: [Boromir] Waaaaaaaait! Tom: [Aragorn's mind] I'm outta here. And I doubt I'll be missed. > he bend forward, > ever so slightly, smiled and softly placed his lips onto mine. Crow: Again, we're talking about Aragorn's lips here, right? > > They were suprisingly soft, Joel: [Aragorn] For he used Carmex daily! > his lips, far gentler than I had ever > thought a mans lips could be, Crow: [Aragorn] *Now* I know why Arwen screams every time I kiss her. > and his short beard far coarser than > expected. Tom: [Aragorn] Boromir, you're giving me rug burn... > > When his lips met mine, gently and probing first, then his tongue > parting my lips, I was tasting him, Crow: I hear Boromirs taste like chicken. > smelling him, Joel: Phew! Smells like a chicken too. > feeling his presence > all over me, in that moment I melted. Crow: I don't think anything I can say is wronger than that, Joel. Joel: I hear you. Tom: [Aragorn/Wicked Witch of the West] I'm melting! Melting! > > All the tension of the last days, all the pains and worries I had > heaped around myself Joel: Doesn't one normally hide behind a wall of happy thoughts, to keep the pains and worries *out*? Tom: Aragorn's a sad, sorry future king, ain't he? > melted away within a single breath like an armour > of ice in a dragons flame-- Joel: Boromir works like Ben Gay, apparently. Crow: Well, the "gay" part, anyway. > leaving nothing but me, Tom: [Aragorn] Oops, I inadvertently vaporized Boromir. Oh well. > nothing but the joy > of requited love. > > And desire. Joel: And surprise. And fear. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! > > Turning like the tide Joel: So does that make Aragorn the Prince of Tides? > I leaned into Boromir and Crow: [Aragorn] --we both fell over. Shoot. > passionately kissed > his mouth, his face, his throat. His movements and desires matched > mine, and before long I found Tom: [Aragorn] That we were both trying to kill each other! > myself tearing at his shirt, Crow: [Boromir] Hey, watch it! That was expensive! > trying to > rid us of this useless barrier that barred me from his body. Tom: Yeah--who needs a shirt? Never mind the *cold*. Or the *rain*. > > Forgotten were all the thoughts of emotional discipline, of staying > rational Crow: I think that was forgotten long before now! > and forgotten was even the ever watchful mind of Galadriel, > who surely would not be able to let such an outburst of long- > suppressed passion go unnoticed. Crow: So it's a threesome, then? > > Let her watch, Tom: Apparently she just likes to watch. > I thought, if she needs to, Joel: She's been desperate for entertainment ever since _Days of Our Elves_ was cancelled. > let her burn her prying > mental fingers at the unelven heat of our love. [All three pause to look at each other, and then burst into hysterical laughter.] > > Finally, Boromirs stubborn shirt surrendered to my efforts Tom: So if a white shirt surrenders, what does it wave? > and he let > me pull it over his head. Crow: And now we're talking about his shirt...right? > For a moment, I held him prisoner, his arms > over his head, still in his shirt, and watched Tom: [Aragorn] ...as he suffocated in his blasted shirt and expired on the spot. > his body in the bright > starlight that illuminated our little grove. > > He was as broad as expected, Crow: See? He really is a woman. > and heavily muscled, and the slight sheen > of sweat and his deep and hard Crow: Oh, boy. > breathing Crow: Phew! > made him seem like a paragon > of mankind, Joel: If Boromir's a paragon of mankind, the human race is sooooo doomed. > full of passion, so hard to contain it came close to > physical pain. Tom: Not to mention mental pain. > > I leaned forward, coming up close to Boromirs face, Crow: Always thought that was considered bad manners? > still hidden > behind the cloth of his shirt, hearing his breath, smelling him, > feeling the heat rising from his body. Joel: Soon, you'll be able to cook eggs on him. > > "I may have been a fool, but I ever am the fool only once." Crow: The realm of fanfiction would say otherwise... > > With gentle violence, Tom: Oxy isn't the only moron around here. > I pressed him down to the ground, still holding > him in his shirt, now kneeling on top of him. Tom: [Aragorn] Crushing the life out of him, puncturing his lungs with his own ribs... > > "I do love you too, you brickheaded Gondorian prince, and I will not > let you go. Not tonight." Joel: We've been transported into a bad teen soap opera! Tom: _90210_. I told you. > > I heard him laugh softly, felt his chest move according to it, Tom: According to what? I can't stand the vagueness. Crow: Sometimes it's better not to know. > and > gently, lovingly he said: Joel: [Boromir] Smile! You're on Candid Camera! > > "No insults anymore, tonight, Aragorn. We both have still much talk to > do, Tom: [crying] By all that is holy, please, NO MORE TALKING! > and much to settle between the two of us." > > He tried to rid himself of the makeshift bonds Joel: Someone should have told him buying junk bonds was a bad investment. Tom: That's what he gets for using Elrond as his financial adviser. > and I let him go. Crow: If it was truly meant to be, he'll come back! > He > took of his shirt, his muscles gleaming in the starlight underneath > his shining skin. Joel: Boromir is see-through, like that plastic guy in the Health Museum. > He looked at me for a long moment, than took my > hands in his and said: Crow: [Boromir] Who's your manicurist? Your nails look FABULOUS! > > "No more insults, and no more titles tonight. Tom: The wrestlers have made peace. Crow: Only until the next season starts. > Lets pretend there were > nothing outside our little grove here, nothing to fear, nothing to be > responsible for." Joel: [Singing, as Boromir] Welcome to my woooorrld/won't you come on in.....? > > He sat up and looked into my eyes, clear blue eyes that seemed to > caress me with their looks, Tom: He's being caressed by his own eyes? That must be quite a trick. > one of his hands around my back, Tom: Boromir's got the reach of a concert pianist! > the other > softly touching my cheek, his fingers callused yet all the gentler. > > "Promise me that tonight, we'll be Lovers, nothing else." Crow: How about "nothing at all"? > > "Nothing else, for tonight.", I whispered, feeling utterly relieved > and happy. Tom: [Aragorn] Until, that is, the implication of "Lover" entered my consciousness. > > "I promise." > > I leaned my head on his broad shoulder, just for a moment, and he took > me into his strong arms, held me tight and whispered in my ear: Tom: [Boromir] You've got spinach on your tooth. > > "Then I promise, too. Nothing but two Lovers. Crow: Galadriel's gonna be put out. > Nothing but tonight." > > * Tom: [sings] Would you like to swing on a star?/Carry moonbeams home in a jar? > > Once again, I felt passion welling up in me, not as blinding as the > first time, but deeper, slower, more intense. Crow: Better look behind you to make sure that's passion you feel, Aragorn old boy. > > I sat on his lap, Tom: [Aragorn] And I want a train set and a new bike and a Master Ninja action figure .... > kissing the side of his neck, Crow: [Aragorn] ... lulling him into a false sense of security while I searched for the jugular vein. > caressing him, feeling > him, loosing myself Tom: Eww, that just ruined the moment. Get some Kaopectate! > in the sensation of another body I had so long > been craving for. Joel: So, like, Aragorn just wanted to have an out-of-body experience. Tom: No, he wanted to switch bodies, like in _Freaky Friday_. > > Boromir in turn was kissing my ear, Crow: [Boromir] Your lips taste of ear wax, my love.... > stroking my hair, touching my face. > > When he gently untangled our embrace, I looked at him in irritation, Tom: [Aragorn] --Finally coming to my senses. No sandwich was worth this price. > but he smiled at me so sweet and reassuring I did but sit back. Crow: Wow, he's easy. > > It was Boromir now who started to unlace my shirt, Joel: How many shirts do these guys have on? > but unlike me, he > took his time, each lace at a time, like unwrapping a precious and oh > so fragile present. Crow: [Boromir] See, *this* is how you remove a shirt without ruining it! > > Surprisingly, I was not annoyed by his slow pace, Tom: [Aragorn] As much as I was annoyed by his slow brain. > but felt honored by > his care, precious and beloved. Joel: Like a puppy, then? > > Gently but determined, he lifted my shirt over my head, leaning back a > little, watching my now-bared chest and arms. Tom: [Boromir] Gads, you're thin! I should've fed you that sandwich long ere now! > It was pleasant, for > his look was neither judging nor examining, Tom: ...just excruciating... > but joyful and with the > clear intend to delight in this very moment, and to wait until lust > would finally consume his restraint. Crow: First time I think lust has been described as a deterrant to bondage... > > "You are far less skinny than I thought", Boromir said softly, after a > while. Joel: [Aragorn, pouting] Does that mean I don't get the sandwich? > > "I thought we said 'no more insults'?" Tom: Like Boromir can remember that. > > "That was a compliment, my dear, Joel: A backhanded one, but still a compliment. > for thou art beautiful, as beautiful > as man can be." Crow: [Boromir] But don't tell Legolas I said that. Tom: He said as beautiful as *man* can be. Legolas is an *elf*. > > He shifted his weight to make him more comfortable, yet trough this > movement, I got very aware of the hardening between his legs. Joel: [Boromir] Drat that Medusa! Knew I shouldn't have looked! > > I had never really thought of where our love, if ever requited, might > go, Crow: I'll tell you where it can go, buddy. > and never spend much thought about the physical peculiarities of a > night between two warriors. Tom: [jealously] How lucky for you, Aragorn! Crow: Yeah, wish *we* didn't have to think about it. > > But the kissing part seemed to be over now, and we both knew it. Crow: On to second base! > > I started moving gently, trying to acquaint myself with this > unexpected additional appearance of such a well known part of my own > physique. Crow: So his member just now popped in for a visit? Joel: Don't say "member" and "popped" in the same sentence again, okay? > > My movements seemed to be rather inspiring, for Boromir close his eyes > after a while and laid back, silently enjoying the sensation. Crow: He's skiing down the Caradhras! > > I felt him grow underneath my moving buttocks and it felt good. I > enjoy giving pleasure to the ones I make love to, and obviously gender > seemed to be not so much an issue in this case. Crow: Aragorn, anybody else who reacted like that and claimed to be a woman was lying. Tom: Aragorn's been a loser in _The Crying Game_, apparently. > > Then suddenly, Boromir opened his eyes again, breathing heavily, and > stopped my motion by fixing my hips with his hands. Tom: That's fortunate--wouldn't want him wandering around with broken hips. > > I looked at him, questioning him, but he just gave me a leering grin, Tom: When did Boromir turn into Chester the Molester? Crow: That'd be back with the whole trenchcoat-laugh thing... > turning both of us around in a single motion, pinning me to the > ground, lying between my legs. > > "Enough teasing, now, my brother." Joel: [Aragorn] Excuse me! Do I *look* like Faramir? > His voice was low and pleasingly > unsteady, passion seeping through every word. Joel: Better get the Bounty--the quicker picker upper. > > "Let me see what you have to offer!" > > And with these words, he slid down between my knees, undoing my pants > with surprising ease, Crow: And then he said, with loud surprise/"Why, what a sight has met my eyes!" > pulling down both pants and breeches Tom: Not only multiple shirts, but multiple pants, too! Crow: Must be cold in Lothlorien. > to my > ankles, watching my exposed body with utter pleasure. > > To my own surprise, I was far more aroused than I had thought, Joel: One wonders how one wouldn't *know* that. Crow: Don't wonder too hard... > and he > watched my shining shaft Tom: [sings, to the tune of "My Shining Hour"] This is...my shining member.... > with a slightly unsettling mixture of lust > and hunger. Tom: *Slightly* unsettling? Crow: [sings] Hot dogs/Armour hot dogs... > > He bent down, at first stroking my naked tights Joel: So is Aragorn naked, or is he wearing tights? Bots: [singing] We're men, manly men, we're men in tights, Yeah!/We roam around the forest looking for fights.... > with his hands, then > caressing them with his face, then wandering up between my legs until > my first gasping breath made him look up. Tom: [Aragorn, through clenched teeth] You're standing on my area. GET OFF! > > "Feels alright, doesn't it?", he said with a moronic expression. Crow: And that's different from his usual expression...how? > > "Oh, gods, I could swallow you whole, just to keep you with me." Tom: Aragorn never got his sandwich, so I bet he's thinking the same thing right now about Boromir. > > His hands started stroking the exposed length of my most sensitive > parts, while his eyes never left mine. > > "And tonight, you are mine, to do with as I please." Joel: [sings] But will you love me tomorrow? > > And with these words, he swallowed me whole, as he had promised, Tom: [Aragorn] Unhinging his jaw like a snake. > though probably in different context. > > It was pleasurable, for sure. Joel: Like, totally. > I was hardly able to wonder if I had > been able to give as much pleasure to him were I in his place, but I > couldn't be bothered. Tom: *Nothing* fazes this guy! > His moving lips and tongue sent waves of > pleasure through my body, quite alike to a rocking boat on the shore. Joel: Funny, that usually inspires seasickness in me... Tom: Wait...if a boat's on the shore, it doesn't rock. Joel: Right. In other words, Aragorn isn't experiencing pleasure. CONTINUED in part 6 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 6/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:22:53 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 677 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301922.7ecbb7f4@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059621774 12249 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:22:54 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:22:54 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:475 CONTINUED from part 5 > > But for all his talent or expertise, my passion demanded more physical > an activity. Joel: [Aragorn] I had this sudden urge to run laps around Lothlorien. > I started to miss the rubbing of bodies I was used to, > missed the feeling of my partner in my arms while making love to her. > Or him. Crow: [Aragorn] D'oh! Slip of the tongue, I swear! > Whatever. Tom: Oh well, whatever, never mind. > > So I pulled Boromir up to me, by his hair, Joel: [Aragorn] Me Aragorn, Caveman! > as it was the only part of > him I could grab with my senses mostly busy elsewhere. Crow: That's funny...if I were Aragorn, that wouldn't be the first part I thought to grab... Tom: You'd grab him around the neck and strangle him to death? Crow: Exactly. > > He came up to me, still half-clad, his body lying heavily on top of > mine. > > "What?", he asked under his breath. Tom: [Aragorn] You're...killing...me.... > > For a moment, I revelled in the feeling of his skin next to mine, of > the weight of his body and the hardness between his legs pressing > against my hips. Joel: [Aragorn] Then I realized he was crushing the air out of me and I shoved him off. > > "I want more", I whispered, this time my voice unsteadied by passion. Tom: Disturbing image of Aragorn-as-Oliver-Twist just flashed through my brain. > > Slinging my arms around him in a tight embrace, kissing him, I tried > to melt into his body or merge his into mine. Joel: Thanks to this experiment, the Fellowship gained two new members: Aramir and Borogorn. > > "I see..", he answered when finally our lips parted again. Tom: So Boromir's eyes are in his mouth? Crow: Getting a little crowded in there, isn't it? I mean with Aragorn's tongue, and his-- Joel: Enough! > > "Come up!" Crow: Now *that's* an interesting visual.... > > Before I could even wonder, Tom: Like the rest of us? > he jumped to his feet, took my hands and > pulled me up next to him. Crow: [Boromir] Let's dance! > > He seemed to look for something, Joel: [Boromir] Drat--where's my wallet? > while my perceptions where completely > occupied with watching the leaves that had stuck to the small of my > back fall down on the ground Tom: So Aragorn has eyes in the back of his head, then? > --and with staring at the promising bulge > somewhere under my Lovers belt-buckle. Crow: He later found to his disappointment that it was just a sweat sock. > > "What do you--", I started to ask, but Boromir placed a single finger > over my lips and silenced my question. Joel: [Boromir] Only *I* may talk! > > "There's too much stuff on the ground", he said with an all-explaining > expression. Tom: That's good, because his words don't explain a thing. > > "'Trying to find somewhere more comfortable for both of us." Tom: How about, not in this story? > > He finally seemed to have found what he had been looking for, pointed > to a nearby tree and said: Crow: [Boromir] Good a place as any to mark my territory, eh? > > "There." > > Taking my hand, he gently pulled me towards the huge trunk, making me > suddenly aware of how naked I was. All: HOW NAKED WERE YOU? > > Grateful for the mild nightly breeze Tom: So it occurs about this time every night, then? > I followed him, shedding the rest > of my clothing that still dangled around my ankles in the process, Crow: Gads--how much did these two have on, really? Tom: [Aragorn] I hoped he wouldn't notice the lacy underpants. It could cause some awkward questions. > the > only thing left on my body being Arwens pendant on its chain around my > neck, sparkling in the gentle light. Joel: That's gotta be a touch awkward, eh? [They stand up and leave the theater. Door sequence.] [SoL Bridge. Gypsy is waiting for Joel and the Bots as they emerge.] Gypsy: Joel! We need to talk! Joel: Uh...sure, Gypsy. What's on your mind? Gypsy: It's about my beautiful stories. Joel: They're still out there on the web. I just blocked them from coming up here. Gypsy: THAT'S CENSORSHIP, YOU FASCIST! Joel: Whoa, Gypsy, you're overreacting. Gypsy: I haven't even started overreacting! You bring my stories back right now! Joel: Um...there's one problem with that... Gypsy: What? Joel: Well, the process, once completed, is... Gypsy: If you say "irreversible," you're going to be very, very sorry! Joel: I won't say it then. Gypsy: HMPH! We'll see about that! [She rolls off in a method that would be called "stalking" if she had legs.] Tom: Oo, way to go, Joel. Now you've made her mad. Crow: You shouldn'ta, oughta-a done that, Joel. Joel: I'm sure she'll recover... [Suddenly the ship lurches violently to one side. Joel and the bots stagger around, a la "Star Trek."] Joel: Uh oh. Crow: I told you so! Tom: Fix it! Joel: I told you, I can't--! [The ship lurches to the other side. This time Joel falls down.] Joel: [from below] Ouch... [He drags himself up, hanging onto the counter.] Gypsy: [offscreen] Ready to bring back my stories yet? Crow: This couldn't get any worse... [The ship now does a barrel roll. Joel and the bots are flung from floor to ceiling and back again, along with a storm of papers and other miscellaneous objects. When the ship rights itself again, the three are buried under a huge pile of stuff.] Tom: [from below] Yes, it could! [Lights and sirens.] Joel: And now we've got STORY SIIIIIIIIIIIGN! > > I wondered what he intended to do when he gently pressed me against > the huge tree with my back, Tom: So Boromir is using Aragorn's back as leverage? Crow: I thought Aragorn had a tree growing out of his back... Joel: I don't have an opinion, gentlemen--don't look at me. > his eyes filled with passionate > anticipation. Joel: [singing] Anticipation/Anticipa-aa-tion/is making me wait... > > For a moment we both looked at each other, revelling Tom: Reviling? > in the respective > Lovers features. I looked at his eyes, so sparkling now, Joel: [Boromir] I owe it all to Visine! > his mouth, > sensual and not grim at all. I knew him to be not the kind of Tom: [Aragorn] ...person I usually kissed. I generally reserved that for elven princesses and the occasional hobbit...er... > man I > usually might have considered handsome, Crow: [Aragorn] But then, they call me "The Bad Taste Ranger" up north, so maybe that's a *good* thing. Joel: And that led to him later being labeled "The Lone Ranger." Crow: Betcha even later, he's "The Prone Ranger".... > but he was striking, Joel: Boromir's already getting violent with Aragorn again? You think he'd have had enough! > and > valiant, adorable and strong, Tom: Oxy and Moronic.... Joel: I'll give you that last one for sure. > and above all, tonight, he was mine. Crow: Believe me, Aragorn, you can keep him. Joel: Just be sure you finish with him by midnight, or he'll turn back into a pumpkin. > > He was beautiful, in my eyes, Joel: [sings] In your eyes/the light, the heat/In your eyes/I am complete... Tom: _Say Anything_ this isn't, Joel. Crow: It is to Boromir, apparently. > and if this moment had endured but the > blink of eye longer, I might well have lost Joel: My mind? Tom: My place? Crow: My lunch? > myself into sheer Tom: [Aragorn] --Oblivion, as I fell through the fissure in the earth which Galadriel had opened at my feet. On the way, I was cut to ribbons by Gandalf as he fought with the firey Balrog... Joel: Really, Tom. > admiration. > > But then Boromir leaned forward, breaking Joel: [Aragorn] My nose, with his forehead. Stupid Boromir! > the spell he put on me > himself, Crow: [Boromir] Drat! Reminder to self: leave the love potion in effect until *after* you get some! > and kissed me. I began to touch him, Joel: [Aragorn] But he was all smarmy and squishy, so I stopped. Ewww... > caress his chest, his > back, feeling his callused hands gliding all over my body, leaving Tom: [Aragorn] ...long, furrowed, red scratches where he scraped my flesh raw. > tingling traces of burning passion on my skin so hot they must have > been glowing in the low light. Tom: [Lisa Simpson] I can see time. Crow: So now they're into glow-in-the-dark body paint? Joel: Or they've both had healthy doses of Ecstasy. > I let my hands venture deeper along my > Lovers body, caressed his stomach, gently playing with Tom: [Aragorn] His entrails, which I drew, steaming, out of his body. Oops--guess I went a little too deep... Crow: No fear of depth in this story... > the trail of > soft dark-golden curls that led down from his belly deeper, below his > belt. Tom: Uh oh--the story's getting "below the belt." Crow: Getting? > Opening another mans belt is a task Joel: Best left to the imagination? > more tricky than one might > think, and I might have never managed Tom: [Aragorn] Because I'm apparently phsyically impaired, as well as mentally. > if Boromir had not come Crow: Shouldn't Boromir be waiting until *after* his pants are off to do that? > to my > aid, all the while never letting go of my earlobe. Tom: Did Boromir grow a third hand? How can he take off his own belt and hold onto Aragorn's earlobe at the same time?! Joel: Some things are better left to mystery, Tom. > > Though I new very well what I was to find inside my Lovers pants, Tom: Flowered knickers? Joel: Starched boxers? Crow: Something stiff, I'll agree. Joel: Shut up, Crow. > I > was gently trembling with anticipation when I finally followed that > golden trail Bots: [singing] Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road! > deeper into uncharted territory. Tom: [Aragorn] Right to the tip of his Mount Doom. Crow: So Boromir's never seen his own member? Joel: Aragorn's boldly going where no one's gone before. Tom: And hopefully, no one will ever go again. > > I had never before touched a man so intimately as I did then, Joel: So Aragorn's never before bathed, or taken a leak? > but I > was surprised how natural the motions came to me. Joel: Like breathing? Crow: Blinking? Tom: Puking? > In the darkness of > my Lovers groin Crow: It just riffs itself, don't it? > my hands discovered hardness and softness alike, Joel: I've had similar moments of discovery while cleaning out my refrigerator. > like > a hand-warm sword-hilt covered in silk. Tom: Excalibur! Crow: Pull it from the stone, Aragorn! PULL IT OUT! > And I knew my way with swords, Joel: [Aragorn/Telly Savalas] Yes, Baby! > alas, if nothing else. Tom: Yes, too bad a warrior such as yourself is good with a sword. > Soon Boromirs breath turned Joel: [Aragorn] --a perfect tuna sandwich to moldy ruin, and curdled milk. He needed to brush his teeth before he spoiled another lunch I'd have been perfectly happy to eat! > unsteady, and I > deeply enjoyed the fact that it was Tom: [Aragorn] Only a matter of minutes before he keeled over, dead. > due to my own hands that this > stout warrior started to shiver. Crow: [Boromir] By Elbereth, Aragorn, warm your hands by the fire next time! Your touch is colder than Caradhras. > More and more his movements grew Joel: Geez! What are you feeding him? > unsteady, much to my growing pleasure. Tom: [Aragorn] I gleefully watched as the last bit of his lifeblood spilled cheerily on the darkening ground. Joel: Wish-fulfillment fanatsy left over from the last story, Tom? Tom: Ya think? > His broad hands caressed me all > over, Tom: Anyone else getting this image of Thing from _The Addams Family_? Crow: That's just creepy, Tom. > running down my sides, Joel: His hands grew feet? > passionately but gently pressing my > buttocks, Crow: He likes them steam pressed, with a crisp crease down the center... > gliding up the inner side of my thighs. My body was all > mellow with pleasure, Joel: Dude, totally! > tingling with anticipation of the carnal > delights to come. Tom: [Church Lady] His naughty bits are all a-tingle! > He turned me around, then, Joel: [Aragorn] Let me go, blindfolded, searching for the damned donkey, tail in hand... > so that I faced the > moss-covered bark of the tree we leaned to. Crow: [Aragorn] And I found the tree so much more appealing than Boromir, as it did not speak. > Caressed my back with > gentle strokes, Tom: Nothing like a little game of naked golf! > kissing the base of my neck, pressing himself against > me, his hands between my legs. Joel: So Boromir's the quarterback in "hike" formation, right? Tom: You go on thinking that, Joel. > > It was only when his fingers started to caress places I had not > anticipated, Tom: So Boromir's picking Aragorn's nose now? > prying for an entrance I had never thought one to be, > that I realised where this course of action was leading to. Crow: This is a little vague, Joel. I'm not sure what "entrance"... Joel: Crow? Crow: Grg. > > All my pleasure-filled thoughtlessness Tom: So Aragorn secretly takes delight in being a cad? Crow: Maybe he takes delight in not thinking. Tom: True--that could only help him here. > was shattered with the blow of > that cognition, realising what he intended to do to me, Joel: You know, it amazes me that with all the kissing and caressing, Aragorn's just finguring this out now. The King of Men isn't too quick on the uptake, is he? Tom: Yeah, but if he's ruling people like Boromir, he'll do fine. > replaced > within a single thought by a hailstorm of words, Crow: Did Boromir start talking again? > all trying to break > out of me to stop this inappropriate - Tom: *Now* it occurs that this might be inappropriate?! > > But Boromir must have sensed my sudden tenseness, for he withdrew his > hand, asking softly: Crow: [Boromir] Where's the beef? > > "You alright?" Tom: [Aragorn] Sure. I always let strange men stick their hands between my legs. Crow: None stranger than Boromir, that's for sure. > > I turned around to face him, breathing heavily, no longer transfixed > by the unthinkability of his proposal. Joel: [Aragorn] You want to borrow *how* much?! Tom: [Aragorn] And then I promptly kicked him in the groin. > > "I--", I muttered breathlessly, "I am--" Joel: [Aragorn] In the wrong story! Tom: [Aragorn] Dude, you're not Arwen! > > "Yes?", he asked, his voice full of care, his eyes sparkling with > passion. Crow: Sakura petals would *so* be falling around these two, if this were a manga. Tom: If this were a manga, at least we'd have the pleasure of burning it. > How could he dare! Crow: Maybe it was all that kissing and caressing you did to him earlier--but naw, that couldn't be it. > > "I am not to be--taken!", I pressed out with all the determination I > could muster. Joel: [Aragorn] I am to be bought and paid for, do you hear me? > > And this brickheaded bear of a prince had the audacity not to excuse, Tom: [JarJar/Aragorn] How wude! > but merely to smile seedily, pulling me into a close embrace, looking > deep into my eyes, asking: Crow: [seedy Boromir] Got a little Gondorian in ya? Want some? > > "And why should that be, my Lover?" Tom: Borimir kinda does strike me as a French whore, how about you? > > He did not even see it! Joel: He's not the only one. > > "Why should I restrain to collect a prize I have been longing for so > many weeks? Joel: [Boromir] I must claim my lottery winnings at once! > And one, to say, has up until now shown no reluctance at > all to be collected?" Crow: [Aragorn] I will not be "collected" like common garbage on the streets! Tom: Alas, the metaphors! The metaphors! > > I was out of words. Tom: [Aragorn] Duh, I guess he's right. Oh well--that's that. Joel: Maybe Aragorn should ask Boromir for some words. He seems to have plenty to spare. > All my thoughts were garbled, and my only will was > to stop the man I loved from, well, from using my body that way. Crow: [Aragorn] Any other way was perfectly acceptable to me, however. > > "No." Did my voice really tremble so much? "You just--will not." Tom: [Aragorn] You will not rape me. These are not the droids you're looking for. > Suddenly I found his embrace to be more than confining, Joel: Sounds like the Jedi Mind Trick didn't work on Boromir. Crow: The subject has to have a mind for that to work. Tom: [Bullwinkle] No brain, no effect! > and I started > to squirm to get out. But Boromir laughed, as if my reluctance only > fuelled his passions. Joel: Boromir has not learned that when a woman says no, she means no. Tom: Aragorn's not a woman, Joel. Joel: You sure? > > "Oh, you're putting up a fight?", he asked mockingly. Crow: [sings, as Boromir] Tell me, King, how you feel tonight/Do you plan to put up a fight? > > But I was indeed trying to free myself from his arms without harming > him, Tom: Yeah, why would you want to harm him while he's raping you? > not putting up some staged quarrel for fun. > > "He?", he asked, pressing me against the tree once more. Joel: Did a third party just enter this scenario we didn't know about before? Crow: So Boromir's just having a jealous hissy fit, here? > > "Stop that!" I ordered, laying all my strength of command in these two > words. Crow: Of course, the lisp with which he delivered that command probably didn't help to enforce it. > > Boromirs head went up, his arms still fixing me against the tree. Crow: That poor tree. Joel: I think if there's a loser in this fanfic besides us and the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien, it's gotta be that tree. > In > his eyes, I could finally see some trace of doubt, Tom: [Boromir] "Stop that..." Wait, don't tell me what that means. I'll get it. > but they were > overshadowed by too much Crow: Effort it took to form coherent thoughts. > passion and slowly rising anger. A dangerous > combination that was, but I only realised it too late. Tom: [Aragorn/Juliet] My only love, sprung from my only hate! > > "Since when do lovers issue orders, Lover?" Crow: [Aragorn] Er...since they were your KING? > he growled, his body > pressing against mine, hot, strong, his pulse almost audible. Joel: Sheesh, even his heartbeat talks too much. CONTINUED in part 7 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 7/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:24:22 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 687 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301924.436021ee@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059621863 12481 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:24:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:24:23 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:476 CONTINUED from part 6 > > "You brickheaded prince of Gondor, let me go!", I shouted, feeling my > anger rising slowly to match his. Tom: Because insulting him is a really good way to accomplish what you want... > > Unexpectedly, he hit me with his fist, right below my temple, putting > all of his might into his blow. Crow: That doesn't sound so bad... > > "You have broken the single one law we have here tonight, Lover!", Joel: [Boromir] You didn't Wang Chung tonight! Tom: [Hick Cop/Boromir] Yew have a broken tail-light. Crow: [Aragorn] No, I don't. Tom: [makes sound of glass breaking, then, as Cop/Boromir] Yew do now! > he > growled menacingly while I stood there, fighting not to loose balance. Joel: Heaven forbid balance escape and run amok. > His hit had been hard, and the days before had more than demanding, Tom: [Aragorn] With Galadriel yelling in my head and having to listen to Boromir drone on and on, and all. > yet it still shocked me that his blow had almost brought me to the > brink of consciousness. Crow: See? Sounds like it was good for him, too... > > "I will show you what lovers do, Lover!", he added spitefully, Tom: [Boromir] They take each other out to dinner! And buy each other flowers and stare goofily into each other's eyes for minutes on end! > slamming me against the trunk with all his weight. Joel: No, no, no, Boromir. This is *sex*, not ice hockey. > I felt little > branches and moss crumble underneath my impact, Crow: That's all? Boy, Aragorn sure is a lightweight. > and the mad light of > wrathful desire that shone in Boromirs eyes frightened me. Tom: [Aragorn] The possible glimmer of intelligence was too much to bear. > > He shoved me against the tree, pushed me up, pulling up my legs over > his arms one after another, Tom: Just how many legs does Aragorn have, exactly? > while I desperately tried to focus enough > to make one distinctive movement without falling. Crow: He sounds like a potty-training two-year-old. > > "I will have you", Joel: [sings, as Boromir] Yes, I will have you/I will find a way/and I will have you... > he grunted, "with your consent or without." > > And with these words, he lowered my body, trying to impale me on him. Tom: Hopefully he'll be successful, thus killing them both and ending the misery for us all. > But unwilling and ill-prepared as I was, he only managed to shove me, Joel: Boromir can't even do *this* right! What good is he?! > squeezing me against the rough bark. He thrust again, and again, Crow: [Scottish] He needs more thrrrrust! > ever > trying to intrude in me, more lead by instinct Joel: Iron by determination, and tin by stupidity! > and mad desire than any > human thought. Tom: Which makes sense, as he is incapable of any. > I struggled against my failing sense of co-ordination, Joel: [Aragorn/Captain Kirk] Coordination failing...sight...growing dim... > struggled to prevent him from doing any real harm, Tom: Imaginary harm must be okay, though. > struggling to clear > my head enough to free me from this shameful position. Crow: You were in a shameful position when you agreed to go off in the woods with him, buddy. > > Then, of a sudden, one of his thrusts was successful, and a wave of > pain ran though my body as I felt myself pried open, torn, Joel: [Aragorn] You're a little late. I'm already torn. > violated by > the man I only desired love of. Joel: Perhaps if you desired love, you shouldn't have insisted about not being taken... > I felt the length of him enter my > body, using ways that had never been intended for such intercourse. Tom: His ear canal? Crow: His sinus cavities? [Joel simply shudders where he sits.] > I > cried out loud, more for pain of heart than anything else, Tom: [Aragorn] Sorry--those chili dogs are catching up with me. > but with my > cry, also my muddled senses reawakened. He had already left my body > but for a minute tip Crow: [Aragorn] Only 5%? Cheapskate! > that remained within me, but before he could > launch his next shove, I landed my elbows on his head with all force. Joel: I see Aragorn has discovered the anime girl's secret weapon. > > Dazzled by the impact, he stopped his motion, and I managed to pull up > my feet, pushing him away with a well-placed kick in his face. All: BOOT TO THE HEAD! > The > impact hurtled him across the little grove, Tom: See what happens when you make Aragorn angry? You wouldn't like him when he's angry... > and Boromir stumbled and > fell close to the tree-root where this ill-fortuned meeting had begun. Joel: Yeah, sure. Blame it all on the tree-root. > > Seconds later, I was on top of him, Crow: [Aragorn] Going at him like a rat in heat. I only wanted to be on top. > beating him, kicking him. I wanted > to hurt him, to hurt him so mindlessly as he had done with me, Joel: Don't take it personally. Boromir does *everything* mindlessly. > and > cowered all his body with blows. Tom: So he made Boromir shrink away in fear? Crow: I thought "blows" would have the opposite effect... > > Yet, though my intend to hurt him was clear, it slowly came to me that Tom: [Aragorn] I was far too much of a wuss for any of this to have an effect on him. > I took great care not to hurt him seriously or, the gods forbid, to > kill him. Joel: Yes, lord knows why you'd want to do that. > > That thought slowed my attacks. Crow: Boy, now even Aragorn's having trouble. He can't think and punch at the same time. > After all he had done to me mere > moments ago, could it be that I still was unable to hate him? Tom: [Aragorn] Or could it be that I was simply a masochist? > > I let go of him, the, dropping myself somewhere in the grove. Joel: [Aragorn] I'll just leave myself here until the post office comes to collect me... Crow: I thought he refused to be collected? > Now that > the anger had left me, I felt cold, hurt, and tired. Tom: [Aragorn] I pulled on my cloak and then I was just hurt and tired. I took a nap, and then I was just hurt.... > There was still > pain in me, far more in my heart than anywhere else. Crow: [Aragorn] I really, really needed a Rolaids. > But this time, it > was no anger that I felt, only sadness of one betrayed by his love. Joel: Oh, you mean like Arwen's going to feel when she finds out you're in love with Boromir? > > It was painful to see that in spite of our love, we seemed unable not > to harm each other, Tom: Well, it's a well-known fact that you only hurt the ones you love... > painful to realise that this night had been > defiled by an act of such mindless violence. Crow: Gee, that sure *sounds* like love. > > And I was ashamed. Ashamed to have been used, ashamed not to have been > able to prevent this disaster, Joel: [Aragorn] If only I'd paid attention to the Weather Channel, we could've evacuated before Hurricane Boromir went off! > not able to stop him by force, unable > to hate him. I felt tears running down my cheeks, and each single one > added more to my disgrace. Joel: The future king breaking down and crying like a baby isn't disgraceful at all, then? > > Weak and defeated Joel: ...wasted and drained... > I sat there, holding my knees, praying for this > shameful moment to pass, unable to end it myself. Tom: [Aragorn] I never was good at the whole suicide thing. > > "Oh my gods, what have I done?" All: [sing] "Letting the days go by/Let the water hold me down... > > Once again, it was Boromirs soft voice that brought me back. Crow: [Michael Corleone/Aragorn] I keep trying to get out, but they keep pulling me back in! > Once > more, he knelt next to me, watching my face with a shock and shame > that must have mirrored mine. Joel: Remember, Boromir blacked out during all the bad stuff. Tom: I so wish I had that skill... > > "Oh gods, I'd never thought--", he whispered, Crow: Why am I not surprised to hear that? > trying to touch my arm > in a gesture of repentance. Joel: [Aragorn] But his oafish lack of coordination caused him to miss my arm on his first three attempts. Stupid Boromir. > > But the memory of his uncontrollable violence was yet to young, and I > flinched away to avoid his touch. He retreated as if burned by searing > heat, his Tom: [Aragorn] ...skin peeling away in blistered layers as he smoldered. I never knew I had a finishing move before. > looks now naught but shock and sadness, gone like a > nightmare were all traces of the mad, Joel: --to be replaced by traces of the crabby and disgruntled. > sparkling desire that had > twisted his gentle face. > > We sat in silence for a moment, Crow: Wow--a whole moment! I'm impressed at Boromir's restraint. > looking at each other, trying to > understand what evil fate had befallen our young love. Tom: Perhaps the love itself was the evil fate. > With time, my > silent tears faded, Tom: [sings] No more memories, no more silent tears... [Crow joins in] Bots: No more gazing across the wasted years/Help me say goodbye. > my sadness replaced by cold and grey emptiness. Joel: He's going through the seven stages of grief. > He > still knelt there, watching me, and as my tears left me, they welled > up in him again. Tom: Gotta keep the water pressure equal. > Heavy with grief and self-loathing, he turned away > from me then, muttering to himself: Crow: [Boromir] Stupid Aragorn...must kill...must kill... > > "Gods, I'm a monster." Tom: Godzilla? Crow: Frankenstein's? Joel: The Thing? > > His words struck me like a blow, Crow: Even Boromir's words are violent. > piercing the gloom Tom: How does a blow pierce? > I had shrouded > around myself to prevent me from seeing my shame. Crow: that's it, Aragorn, blind yourself to your own ickiness... > Yes, he had violated Tom: [Aragorn] ...me... > my trust in him, defiled Tom: [Aragorn] ...me, again...I'm sensing a trend here. > our bond, yet to see him suffer was still too > much for me to bear. Joel: [Mr. Rogers] Can you say "co-dependent," boys and girls? > > Taking care of someone elses hurts can sometimes prove more wholesome > and healing than being taken care of, Joel: The Official Doormat Mantra. > and when my eyes saw him suffer > for what he had done, my heart opened again, Tom: [Aragorn] And all my blood came pouring out, killing me. The end. Joel: Sorry, Tom... Tom: Let me dream, Joel. > wiping away all my > self-pity like the sun burning away the mists of morning. Tom: [Aragorn] ...as it crashed into the earth, killing Boromir and putting me out of my misery? Joel: Now you're just grasping at straws. Tom: [weeps] I know. > > Yes, he had hurt me, but he had hurt himself far worse, Crow: Um, how? > and whereas > time Crow: ...and a little well-placed ointment... > would heal my wounds, his could only be healed by my forgiveness. Joel: [Aragorn] Or his death, which seemed like an equally viable option. > And willing to forgive I was, surprisingly so, Crow: Yup--sure surprised me. Tom: Me, too. Joel: I concur. > for in the light of my > love what he had done seemed but an over-eager child's misstep. Tom: [preschool teacher] Oh, no, little Boromir! We don't *rape* people. Play nice. > A big > and dangerous child, yet adorable none the less. Crow: He's so cute when he's committing violent sex acts. > > I sat up, on my knees, and silently went to him until I faced his > broad back, Joel: [Aragorn] And then I drove my sword in hard, hard--until it came dripping out the other side. Tom: Now who's wishing? > seeing it heave with silent tears. Crow: His back is weeping? Is that a form of stigmata or something? > I tried for words, Tom: [Aragorn] But alas, Boromir had stolen them all. > words to express my love, Joel: How about "I love you"? > my forgiveness, Crow: How about "I forgive you"? > to express that he should > stop punishing himself for I demanded no retribution. Joel: How about "Stop punishing yourself, for I demand no retribution"? > But once again, > words did not come easily, neither at once, Crow: I guess Aragorn *isn't* a master of the obvious. > and before I said anymore > stupidities that night, I chose silence Tom: That's the crux of difference between Boromir and Aragorn. > and gently laid my arms around > him, softly nuzzling his neck. Joel: He wants Boromir to give him a lump of sugar. > > For a moment, he merely sat there, immobile like a rock, All: [sing] Like a rock! > but then he > turned, gently holding my arms, Tom: [Aragorn] And then twisting them off at the elbows. But I forgive him for that, too. Joel: So Aragorn's not the only one with a finishing move... > until he could see my face. With a > strand of his hair sticking to his moist face he looked at me in > wonder, asking coarsely: Crow: [Boromir] Dude--got a friggin' towel? > > "How can you come back to me after what I have done to you?" Crow: The $20,000 Question, Ladies and Gentlemen. > > I shrugged, still not sure about how to word my feelings. Joel: It's as though Aragorn is afflicted with the exact opposite disorder as Boromir! > > "I did never intend to hurt you, but I got carried away. Tom: Kings and the men who abuse them, on the next Jenny Jones. > Not an > excuse, that is, none at all. Quite weak for a man so strong, isn't > it?" Crow: Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to rape. Rape leads to the Dark Side. > > He gently stroke my hair, and finally, among all the words buzzing in > my head, Joel: Words like "amalgam!" Crow: "Octopus!" Tom: "Cadenza!" Crow: "Splice!" Tom: "Expedite!" Joel: And "tweak!" > I found the one explanation, simple and true since the > beginning of time. Tom: "Boromir's an imbecile!" > > "I love you. That's all." Crow: It is? Wheee! I'm going out and getting drunk! Joel: Sit down. > > His eyes widened in wonder once more, Joel: So Boromir's as shocked and dismayed as I am. > and it filled my heart with joy > to see. Joel: And Aragorn's heart grew three sizes that day... > > "Yes, I do love you. And though I have been hurt in body and soul > alike, I cannot turn away from you." Tom: [Aragorn] Sometimes love don't feel like it should, but you make it hurt so good. > > My expression turned into mocked solemnity Crow: Hey, he knows we're out here riffing him! > as I added: > > "And I have learned my lesson not to taunt you with my hands between > your legs. Tom: [Aragorn] Next time, I'll thumb my nose like everyone else. > Isn't healthy for both of us, is it?" Crow: No, seems to only be unhealthy for Aragorn... > > My grin managed to split his lips Tom: [Aragorn] Oh wait--that was my fist... > into a little smile, which in turn > eased my heart so much I broke out in Crow: [Aragorn] Hives. I hate this nervous reaction of mine. > relieved laughter. Before long, > we both were lying in the moss together, Tom: They were lying in the arms of an underweight supermodel? Joel: It's preferable to lying in each other's arms, don't you think? > holding each other gently, > laughing, looking at the stars behind the trees. Tom: Hey, behind that poplar--it's George Clooney! > > "We may be great heroes, both of us", I said Joel: [Aragorn] But just for one day. > when finally our laughter > subsided. "But in things of the heart, we both fumble like children, > don't we?" Crow: Yes, you do. And in things of the vocabulary, too. > > I turned my head towards him, and he looked into my eyes, still > smiling so adorably. Joel: They've broken into Aragorn's stash of Hobbit weed, haven't they? > > "True, how true." > > A long look followed, as if the answers to his questions were written > in my face. Tom: Boromir realized that the next time he wished to cheat on the exam, he should write the answers on his *arm*, his *arm*! > > "You're still--I mean, tonight is the first time you're together with > a man, right?", he asked, his voice filled with gentle care. Joel: Why, whatever gave him that idea? Tom: And then the ugly truth about the hobbits finally came to light. > > I simply nodded, smiling, feeling thoughtless not to have warned him > when I found him Crow: [Aragorn] Raping me. > so much more experienced. Tom: That's right. Blame yourself. Just continue that co-dependent abusive cycle. > > "Doesn't seem like your first time, though." Joel: No--all that stuff about not being taken happens *every* time. > > He smiled guiltily and shrugged, pulling me closer in his embrace. Tom: [Aragorn] Crushing the life out of me, ever so slowly. But that's okay--I'm sure it hurt him far worse than it hurt me... > > "Not truly, no. But, alas, you do know how to raise a mans passion > anyway. Seems you're talented." Crow: He's in the Gifted program. > > He gently kissed my forehead, adding: Tom: [Boromir] We're signing you up for AP Calculus post-haste! > > "Very talented indeed..." Joel: He can rub his tummy and pat his head at the same time. > > I could not help but smile. Being courteous to ladies is one thing, Joel: That I'm sure we're not going to see in this story. > but being on the receiving end of such Tom: Malarky? Joel: Smarm? Crow: Incincerity? > compliments is utterly > different, yet pleasing none the less. Tom: Unless, of course, you're in character. > > Loving a man teaches you a lot about yourself, for it makes you able > to compare and see what it is that is lovable about a man. Joel: Even if you're a woman? Tom: There's a philosophy to live by for ya... CONTINUED in part 8 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 8/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:28:53 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 647 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301928.51156688@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059622134 12658 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:28:54 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:28:54 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:477 CONTINUED from part 7 > > Boromir kissed me again, then, and trailed down with his lips along my > throat, down on my chest. Joel: [Aragorn] Leaving a long, slobbery, wet trail. Oh, ick! > Lying there, listening to the rustle of the > wind in the leaves of Lorien, watching the few stars that managed to > pierce the ever-green roof above us, I realised to my utter surprise > that Crow: [Aragorn] I was having sexual feelings for Boromir. I swore off Hobbit weed from that night forward. > my body did not mind its former mistreatment, contrary, I felt > desire being slowly rekindled. Joel: When was it kindled in the first place? The man was *raped*, for Criminey's sake! > > Like the returning tide slowly lifts a stranded boat, Crow: And then dashes it on the rocks? > my Lovers kisses > removed me from my former gloom, Tom: [Aragorn] And plunged me into an entirely new and blacker one. > revived my body with vigor from > before unknown and unexpected stocks. Joel: [Aragorn] I'd been very depressed since I lost a bundle on those Isengard Lumber shares. > I knew I wanted him, Tom: Dead. > wanted to > see his face Tom: ...mashed into a bloody pulp. > filled with utter pleasure, wanted to feel his body Tom: ...go limp as he expired. Joel: Tom, what did I tell you?... > moving against mine--even if this included to offer myself. Crow: It'd be hard to feel his body moving against yours if you *didn't* offer yourself, wouldn't it? Tom: Actually, if you base the deduction on earlier behavior, not necessarily. > > Beginning to return my Lovers caresses, Joel: [Aragorn] --I threw a hard right hook, which he returned in kind. > I leaned closer into his > embrace, pressing our bodies against each other, Tom: [singing] Yooooou are my speeeeecial angel.... > feeling the heat > welling up in him once more, too. Crow: [Aragorn] Boromir, I think your thermostat needs adjusting. > > "Will you try again?", I asked, Tom: Do or do not--there is no try. > looking at him with only a hint of the > insecurity I felt. "Just be gentle this time." Joel: When did they secretly replace Aragorn with a teenage girl? > > Gently I kissed him again, indulging in the sweet taste of his lips > once more. Tom: [Homer Simpson] Mmmm...lips. > His sure embrace was so different from what I had know > until that night, Joel: [Aragorn] he was all hard and muscley, unlike Arwen... > and my whole body began to answer his every touch. Crow: First his ear said "hello," and then his nose asked, "How are you?", and then his right eyelid said... > > In spite of my Lovers caresses I left our embrace to kneel next to > him, Crow: Sure that's not "in front of him"? > eyeing his remaining clothing like a foe before battle. Tom: [Aragorn] Stand and deliver, foul undergarments! Crow: Yeah, the battle of the codpiece lasted well into the night. > Boromirs > seedy smile left me alone with the challenge, Joel: Didn't they undress, like, four scenes ago? Tom: Maybe this is a Pepsi Twist commercial. > and with some effort I > managed to pry him out of his leathern trousers, Joel: Boromir wears lederhosen? Crow: [Aragorn] Phew! You really should change these more than once a decade. > discarding any other > rest of clothing on him on the way. Crow: Jerkin' the jerkin! Tom: So Aragorn's throwing random clothes on Boromir? > > We were there, in this little nightly grove, Crow: So it shows up once a night and then disappears, or what? Tom: Kinda like Brigadoon. > now both wholly unclad, > watching each other in trembling anticipation. Joel: [Aragorn] I see you quiver with anticip...ation. Crow: [Boromir] Yeah, well, so are you. > He lay before me, his > legs apart, as if offering me his most vulnerable parts. Joel: [Aragorn] But hey, parts is parts. > And what a > tempting offer it was. Tom: [Aragorn] I reached for my blade and emasculated him in one fell swoop. Joel: You're liking this a little too much, Tom. > > I watched him, soaking up this picture to forever preserve it Joel: He must be soaking it in formaldehyde. > in my > memory. Once more fascinated by the soft golden curls that surrounded > the centre of my attention, Crow: The face of Shirley Temple? > I laid my hands between his legs, touching > him, caressing him, watching his passionately sparkling eyes turn out > of focus in match with my movements. Joel: That must be an amusing sight...in focus! Out of focus! In focus! Out of focus! > > So I bent down to kiss him, placing my lips onto the tip of his hilt, > surprised by the odd sensation of strangeness and familiarity alike. Crow: Joel, is Aragorn kissing Boromir's sword? Joel: Sure, Crow...sure... > Kissing him, caressing him, curiously trying to use my tongue, Tom: If Aragorn doesn't know how to use his tongue, how does he talk? Crow: He could always take lessons from Boromir. He's never really had to talk much before, anyhow. > I soon > had to realise that I would still need some training Tom: [Aragorn] Well, I'm off to the mountains to train with my swordmaster! Keep things together while I'm gone, OK? > until I could > match my Lovers skills with this kind of weapon. Joel: [sings, as Aragorn] Stop using sex as a weapon... > > Releasing him with a last smacking kiss, Crow: Go Aragorn! Smack Boromir around as repayment! > I raised my head to catch his > look and asked: > > "What now?" Joel: [Boromir] Let's go to DISNEYLAND! > > Boromir needed a moment to refocus enough to answer. Tom: We don't have all night! Joel: Is he blacking out again? > Then he gestured > me to move up to him and willingly I obeyed. Crow: [Aragorn] yes, Mistress...er, Master... > For a short while, we > again lay in each others arms, kissing, caressing. Joel: Haven't we been here before? > Boromir carefully > turned the two of us around, so that I came to lay upon him, my back > on his chest, feeling his every breath. Tom: Does Boromir have gills? He seems to be breathing out of his chest. > > His hands covered my body with gentle strokes, Crow: [Bob Ross] Happy little strokes! Making happy little trees and clouds! > caressing my chest, my > stomach, firmly yet gently holding my eagerly expecting manhood. Tom: His manhood's expecting? Is it a boy or a girl? > I > could feel his own hardness hot between my buttocks, pressed against > me with soft rhythmic motions. Crow: [Aragorn] Then I realized it was Morse Code! Tom: [Aragorn, deciphering] Get...off...me...I...can't...breathe.... > Feeling my Lovers desire with all my > Body, Crow: Leave Jesse Ventura out of this! > hearing his breath go unsteady and short so close to my ears > made me twitch with anticipation. Joel: [Aragorn] Or maybe it was the nervous tic I developed after being raped and then convincing myself it was all good. Who knows? > > One of his hands then wandered deeper between my legs, gently probing, > carefully preparing this time. Joel: This reminds me of a proctologist's visit I had once... > Filled with anticipation as I was, the > memory of the pain endured such a short while ago was only a mere > wraith Tom: What do you mean, "mere"? Those Ringwraiths are scary! > compared to the warm glowing sun of my Lovers passion, and my > reaction when he finally entered me with his fingers was one of uneasy > unfamiliarity, not one of pain. Tom: The same can be said of frostbite or heavy industral chemical burns. Joel: When touching feels funny, it's hard to know what to do. > > Trying to relax was unexpectedly hard, Crow: You think he'd expect *that*, of all things... > though, as my body wanted to go > tense with desire, anticipating passionate thrusting movements, not > the gentle ease of someone giving himself. Tom: A headache? > But Boromir took great care > this time, and under his hands I mellowed more and more, slowly > getting used to this utterly unfamiliar sensation. Tom: I'd say Aragorn inhaled, eh? Crow: Boromir's a shiatsu massage master. Joel: How is this unfamiliar? It just happened ten minutes ago! > > "Just say 'no', if I'm to quick", he whispered, gently nibbling at my > ear. Crow: Yeah, 'cause you listened to that *so* well the first time. > > And then, before I had the time to Crow: [Aragorn] Come to my senses and say no > tense up again, he entered my body > once more. Joel: Boromir's on a "Fantastic Voyage". > Not in a single thrust, but in a steady, gliding motion, > allowing me to concentrate on the feel of him filling me more and > more, Crow: [Dr. Smith] Oh, the *paiiiiiin*.... > my senses, over-sensitive as they were, Tom: Aragorn IS Jim Ellison IN "The Sentinel of the Rings"! > enhancing the intruding > length to a giant's proportion. Joel: That's a trick millions of men would pay top dollar for! > > Boromir let out a deep rumbling sound, Tom: Is he *purring* now? Crow: [Boromir] Sorry, I didn't have any lunch. > shuddering with pleasure, and I > have to admit that I probably accompanied him with my own assortment > of ill-bred noises. Tom: So they're both burping and farting during sex? Joel: Boy, that sure is romantic... > The sensation when he finally started moving was > odd, not unpleasant, yet so unfamiliar it took some time to make sense > out of it. Tom: [Aragorn] Then I realized it was like biting into a York Peppermint Pattie. > > Yet while my head still struggled with the concept, Crow: [Aragorn] Boromir's...der...doing...uhh... > my body and heart > had already decided they liked what happened. My heart, for one, felt > Boromirs pleasure, Tom: [Aragorn/Bill Clinton] I feel your pleasure! > his movements screaming with carefully harnessed > desire. My body, unexpectedly and not really understandably, Joel: Ah--someone's finally speaking some sense. > reacted > with waves of pleasure of surprising magnitude. Tom: 7.5 on the Richter scale! > My mind, being > confronted with its allies on both sides running over to the enemy, > decided to give in and followed the herd, Crow: Well, the metaphors are mixing with such urgency, I'm not sure I can keep up. > and soon I lay on top of my > Lover, groaning, sweating, catching for breath, grunting silly > confirmations into Boromirs ear. Joel: [Aragorn] Your boat trip to the Grey Havens is set for Saturday. Oh, wait. You're human. > > I felt his passion mount in him, building up like pressure in a barrel > of young wine, waiting to be released, screaming for freedom. All: [William Wallace] FREEEEEEDOM! > It was a > marvelling experience to feel the tense passion of a man approaching > his peak, Crow: So we're getting to the top of Mount Boromir. Joel: I'm not sure if I should yell at you for that or not, Crow. Tom: You can't, Joel. It works on so many levels. > feeling the whole of Boromirs body underneath me growing > tense and jerky, Crow: "Growing"? He's been tense and jerky this whole story. Tom: Jerky, at least. Joel: I'm suddenly hungry for some dried beef. > his breath more and more rapid. And though my own > body was nowhere as aroused as he was, when his barrel finally burst, Joel: --dousing us both with cold water. Tom: These two could use that about now. > I felt so close to his mind that I thought Tom: [Aragorn] Oh, wait. If I'm close to Boromir's mind, then I couldn't have thought. > I could feel with him, > feeling him contract to a singular point of pure passion, Tom: And then imploding into nothing, the resultant black hole destroying Aragorn as well? > exploding > into sparks, ebbing away into utter pleasure. Crow: Udder pleasure? Tom: MoooOOOOoooo! > > Breathing heavily, I lay on top of him, still reliving the moment of > his highest passion again and again, Joel: Like a pornographic _Groundhog Day_. > until he finally withdrew himself > from my body. I rolled down of my Lover, Tom: [Aragorn] I figured I could stuff a quilt with the down later. > welcoming the cooling feel > of sweat on my skin. Joel: Sounds great, huh? > > Boromir lay there, eyes still half-closed, but smiling and so benignly > beautiful I could hardly believe him to be the same man that almost > raped me but some time ago. Joel: Me, neither. And what's with the "almost"? Crow: Aragorn's mastered the art of denial. Tom: Yet to come is the "eating Ben & Jerry's in the dark" phase. But the healing will go on. > His sweat-covered body shone in the > starlight, his heaving chest glittering as if covered with crystals. Tom: I keep expecting him to leap up and start dancing. > > Opening his eyes, he looked at me, full of love, and pulled me up to > meet his lips in one more, passionate kiss, his body radiating almost > searing heat. Joel: The part of Boromir will now be played by Makoto Shishio. > > "Your turn, now?", he asked when our lips finally parted. Crow: [Aragorn] I'll take the dare. The truth is just too painful. > > "I'm not sure I know what to do", I answered, Tom: C'mon, Tab A goes into Slot B. How hard is that?! > cheekily raising one > eyebrow. Joel: That's almost a "Tom Swiftie", isn't it? > > "But you'd want to, don't you?" Crow: [Boromir] You know you want me, Baby. > > And how I wanted to! All my body still prickled with the aftertaste of > my Lovers peaking emotions, craving to burst a barrel myself, Crow: [Aragorn] Ye gods, how I crave beer right now! Tom: A drunken stupor might be his only saving grace, at this point. > craving > to return to at least something remotely familiar in this kind of > making love. Crow: If it involves Care Bears, we're leaving. > Nodding empathetically, Joel: [Aragorn] Just call me Aragorn Troi. > I rose on my elbows, showing my > outstanding readiness to Boromir and all else who might have been > spying. Crow: [Aragorn] I'm talking about YOU, Gimli! I see you hiding in the bushes there! > Boromir in turn laughed out loud, Joel: Sure to inspire confidance in any man. > turned on his side and > motioned me to lay behind him. > > "Come", he said, Tom: [Aragorn] That was the plan, you git. > "I shall help you. And don't worry, it will come most > naturally." Crow: Again, with the riffing itself... > > I did as I had been told, cuddling myself to his back, sneaking my > arms around his shoulders. Tom: Piggyback rides! Crow: [Aragorn] Giddy-up, Boromir! > Feeling his firm buttocks Joel: [Aragorn] You've been doing that "buns of steel" workout, haven't you? > pressing > invitingly into my lap, I understood what he ment when he said it > would come naturally. Crow: Okay, we got that, like, ten lines ago... > I knew very well where to go next, though I > shied back from making a move myself, still remembering the pain such > unprepared an intrusion could bring. Tom: Oh, you mean like during the RAPE!!? > > But he did as he promised and took care of himself, Crow: So Boromir apparently didn't even wait for Aragorn, then. > all the while I > was caressing his chest, covering his back with gentle bites. Tom: [Aragorn] I'd gotten tired of waiting for that sandwich he'd promised me, so I just decided he would have to sate my hunger himself... > Then he > reached behind him, through the gap between his opened legs, gently > showing me the way to go. Joel: I'd like to show them both where to go. > > Trusting his guidance, I carefully increased my pressure, > unnecessarily fearing I might accidentally hurt him. Tom: [Aragorn] Instead of purposely hurting him, as I most wanted to do. > But then, > suddenly, I felt him open, Crow: For a special one-day sale! > taking me in, slowly accepting a part of my > body into himself. The sensation was odd at first, then slightly > tight, Tom: [Aragorn] --then *very* tight. Oops, I think I'm stuck. > and finally surprising familiar. Familiar enough for even my > body to remember what to do. Joel: Aragorn's body and Boromir's brain are on about the same speed. > I started moving in him gently, slowly, > carefully. Boromir drew in his breath sharply, and I halted myself. Crow: [Aragorn] He's still breathing. I must be doing something wrong. > > "All right?", I asked him, my voice betraying far more of my passion > then I had hoped. Tom: Yes, heaven forbid in this situation that you show you might actually *like* the guy... > > He nodded jerkily, Joel: He's rude, even now. > firmly cupping my buttocks with his hands. "Will > you go on, bloody hell!", he gasped, Crow: He's so impatient! What happened to savoring the moment? > his breath short and his voice > coarse, yet very far from being filled with pain. "Don't you dare to > stop, you--", he added, his last comment being cut short when he > sharply sucked Tom: This whole story sharply sucks. > in air in answer to a passionate thrust of my loins. > > I didn't stop again. Not too soon, anyway. Crow: He's such a tease! > Tightening my embrace > around him, I slowly increased my speed, Tom: [Aragorn] Going from "blend" to "mix" and finally up to "puree"! > feeling his body move with > mine, feeling me inside of him, luxuriating in every move. Tom: Boromir has morphed into a hot tub. > I knew I > must have started growling of passion before long, moving ferociously, > Boromir in my arms answering with noises not unlike those of a > laughing orc. Joel: ...and this, my friends, is what we call a "mood-killer". Tom: Funny, I thought "mood-killer" is what we called Boromir... CONTINUED in part 9 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 9/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:30:22 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 659 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301930.5b174232@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059622223 12761 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:30:23 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:30:23 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:478 CONTINUED from part 8 > I felt my passion coming close to its peak, but > unwilling to end this encounter so unspectacularly, Crow: [Aragorn] Orgasm? Yawn, how boring. > I withdrew rather > more abruptly than I had intended to. [Joel makes a noise like a cork coming out of a bottle.] Bots: [sing] May all this fanfic be forgot/And never brought to mind... > Breathing heavily, we both lay > there, in silence, as I watched in bewilderment the faint whiffs of > steam that rose from our sweating bodies in the cooling night of the > forest. Tom: [Aragorn] Oh, wait--that steam's coming out of Boromir's ears. I must have finished too soon... > > "What?", Boromir turned around, obviously unsatisfied with the > situation. Crow: [Aragorn, cowering] Please don't hit me! > > "Don't know", I answered with a shrug, realising that I was hacking > off the words for lack of breath. Joel: It's sad what smoking does to your lungs. > "Don't want to finish-- Tom: [deep voice] FINISH HIM. Crow: [ditto] ARAGORN WINS. FATALITY. > like > that..." Tom: [Boromir] Like what? Crow: [Aragorn] Come to think of it...don't want to finish...at all! > > He looked at me for a long moment, Joel: You can smell the gears grinding here, can't you? > than he nodded, his eyes sparkling > full of gentle love. He turned on his back and helped me between his > legs, spreading them wide. Tom: Orcs, we need you and we need you *now*. > > "Lay on me", he whispered, Joel: [singing, as Boromir] "when you're not strong/and I'll make you hot/help you to carry on..." > "so we can see each other." Pushing a > sticky strand of my hair out of my face, Crow: Is that like a _There's Something About Mary_ hair gel kinda thing? > he smiled at me again, > saying: > > "How beautiful you are, my Lover." Tom: [Boromir] Your hair is like a flock of goats running down the slopes of Mount Doom. > > This time, I managed to enter him with ease and without need for his > help. He had been right, and though our new constellation Joel: They discovered a new star system? Crow: "Big dipper" comes to mind. Tom: They did seem a little spacey. > demanded a > little more care than the one before, the pleasure of seeing each > others face while making lover Crow: They're creating children now?! Tom: [Boromir/Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'm pregnant! > was more than worth it. I do not know > what he saw in my face then, Tom: Shame? Crow: Loathing? Joel: Disgust? > but his eyes never left mine, as well as > mine never left his. His face shone with delight, strands of my hair, > wet with sweat, dangled mere inches from his nose. I watched his body > heave Joel: See, even Boromir's nauseated. > with each respective movement of mine, and the soft, grunting > noises he made this time only fuelled my passion all the more. Tom: There's nothing as romantic as a rooting pig. > > This time, when I felt myself approaching the peak of my passion, I > slowed down my pace, just to savor this moment a little longer, Joel: [sings] --with Big Red! > just > to keep my eyes open not to lose one single sight of my Lover. Tom: Yeah, 'cause when you turn your back on him--that's when Boromir gets dangerous! > I felt > my whole world contract, turning dense and single-minded, Crow: So his whole world just turned into Boromir? Tom: [Aragorn] Stop the world! I want to get off! > growing > smaller until it only encompassed my passion and my lovers face, his > eyes still fixed in mine, staring with the anticipation of joining me. Crow: ...in Hell... > > One more move, and I couldn't hold onto myself any longer, Tom: [Aragorn] Must...use...bathroom...NOW!!! > and a long > barred flood of passion and pleasure washed over me, utterly purging > me Crow: [Aragorn] Damned enema! > and all and any of my thoughts, Joel: And now he's just like Boromir. > leaving nothing but a feeling of > purest wholeness and peace. > [They get up and leave. Door sequence.] [SoL. Joel and the bots emerge from the theater.] Tom: I think I've seen enough slash to last me for an eternity now. Crow: Joel, are you sure you didn't get Dr. Forrester to send this as aversion therapy? Joel: I'm just as scarred as you are. [Gypsy enters] Joel: Oh, hi, Gypsy. Are you, um, still mad? Gypsy: That depends. Are you going to bring back my stories? Joel: Well, I kind of...can't. [Gypsy turns and rolls off.] Joel: [sighs] I wish she'd get over this. [The lights go out, plunging the bridge into total darkness.] Crow: I don't think she has. Joel: Hold on, I think I've got some matches here, for emergencies. [Sounds of fumbling in the darkness, then a match is lit. By its light, Joel finds a candle. He is preparing to light the candle from the match when a huge gust of wind blows out the flame.] Tom: What the--? Crow: I think Gypsy's reversed all the fans! [pause] Tom: Joel, is it...snowing? Joel: It feels like it. [Lights come on to reveal that it is, in fact, snowing on the bridge. Joel's hair is blown wildly by the wind. The hexfield opens, revealing Gypsy.] Gypsy: Well? Have you had enough yet? Crow: We had enough before you started! Joel: Gypsy, I'm really sorry, but I don't know a way to turn a plain story back into a slash story...wait a minute. Gypsy: Yes? Joel: Wait, I'm thinking... Gypsy: I can flood the bridge if it will help you think better. [The sound of running water is heard. Joel hops up on the counter, quickly followed by Crow. Tom hovers.] Joel: Gypsy, cool it! I think I've figured out a way to bring your stories back! Gypsy: Really? [The snow, wind, and water cease instantly. The lighting suddenly becomes warm and golden. Sweet music plays.] Joel: Just work with me for now, Gypsy. As soon as the Mads call us after the movie, this is what I'm going to do.... [Lights and buzzers] Joel: I'll tell you later...but trust me! Joel and Bots: MOVIE SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN! [They run for the theater. Door sequence.] [Joel and the bots enter the theater and sit down.] > * Joel: A lone member of the S.T.A.R.S. Team? > > When I came to my senses again, I was laying next to Boromir, Crow: Sure that was "next to", and not just "laying Boromir"? Joel: We've already been there. You want *more*? Tom: I don't think Aragorn's come to his senses yet. He's still next to Boromir. > cuddled in his arms, Tom: That's an image I did not need. > my body still shivering in remembrance of the > moments of bliss I had experienced. Crow: [Aragorn] --last time I saw Arwen. Joel: What Aragorn's referring to is the kind of shivering one does after one witnesses something too horrible for words, right? > > I looked at him, watched his body, nearly being swallowed by a Tom: --Gigantic worm that punctured the earth with its massive maw right beneath him, sweeping him away for all eternity! Joel: Tom, you have to stop this. It'll only lead to your utter disappointment. > wave > of memories that swarmed over my brain. Crow: Sucking it dry! Tom: They'd starve first. > As he rose, I remarked Crow: [Aragorn] Gods, you're insatiable! > several long, red marks running down from his shoulders to his > chest, somehow ominously alike to the marks of Tom: Tiny, flesh-burrowing gophers. > fingernails on flesh. > > "Was that me?", I asked, already knowing the answer. Joel: Did I just imagine the lisp I thought I heard? Tom: [Aragorn/Kasumi/Dr. Evil] Did I do something *evil*? > > Boromir nodded with a cheeky smile, his eyes sparkling. Joel: Guess Boromir's a cheeky bastard. Tom: I'll half-agree with you on that. > > "You are a very passionate boy, once you let your guards down", Crow: [Aragorn, to his guards] I'm sorry, gentlemen, but you have the night off. I need to do Boromir. > he > said, collecting some of our wide-strew clothes Joel: Is that the latest Parisian style? > to form a makeshift > cover, Crow: [Boromir] I learned how to make a tent from my clothing as part of my Gondorian Boy Scout Training. >as the night had taken on a distinctive, not yet unpleasant Tom: [shudders] Oh, we're well beyond unpleasant, now... > chill. Joel: Dude, like, chill, man... > > We huddled together underneath our improvised blanket, Crow: Rolling like thunder under the covers. Joel: That spicy elvish food gets 'em every time. > this time > Boromir in my arms, once more looking for the lonely stars shining > down to us. Tom: [sings, as Aragorn] Twinkle twinkle, little star/How I wonder what you are/Up above the world so high/Watching as I do a guy... > > "Thank you", Boromir said after a while. Tom: Right after he said, "Pull my finger." > > "Thanks for what?" Crow: [Boromir] Give me a minute...I'm sure to remember it... > > "For accepting me." Joel: So that rape was just about Boromir's low self-esteem?! > > I blinked in befuddlement. Crow: As do we all, man, as do we all. > This huge man, Tom: He's huuuuuuuge! > whose acceptance I had been > such a long time searching for with so little success, Joel: [sings, as Aragorn] I keep searchin' for a heart of gold/I keep searchin' but I'm growing old... > this man was > lying in my arms now, Tom: [Aragorn] When before he'd sworn everything was God's own truth. >holding onto me like looking for protection, Crow: As one would use a human shield? Tom: He's just taking cover from oncoming orc arrows. Aragorn's as good as a wooden shield, right? Joel: Maybe he's checking to see if Aragorn bought condoms? Crow: It's a little late to be thinking of that. > thanking me for accepting him? Joel: I hope there's no long-winded acceptance speech with the Boromir Award! > > But I didn't manage to phrase a question, as once more, he was > faster with words than I. Tom: [Aragorn] Actually, he never lets me get a word in edgewise. I so want to kill him in his sleep. > > "I know I'm not always in control of my temper. Tom: Perhaps there's hope. Recognizing a problem is the first step on the road to recovery. > I'm neither well > mannered nor refined and after all, I'm probably quite dull-witted > on top." Joel: [Aragorn] Ah, but you brought sandwiches, and that makes all the difference. Crow: You've got to give Boromir credit for self-knowledge, at least. > > He turned around a bit to face me, softly touching my chin with one > of his fingers, Tom: [Boromir] You've got a zit right there. > smiling with little stars in his eyes. Joel: [singing] Tell me why, tell me why/that the stars in your eyes/ are the same kind of stars/that I see in the sky... Tom: [singing, at the same time] Don't let the stars get in your eyes/ don't let the moon break your heart... Crow: [singing, at the same time] Hey there...you with the stars in your eyes.... > > "And yet you, thoughtful and wise and beautiful as you are, Crow: Yeah, it's certainly wise to let your assailant finish what he started. Tom: Thoughtful, though, you have to admit. > you do > not only say that you love me, nay, you truly do love me, for you > could forgive me." Joel: Remember, love is never having to say you're sorry. > > My head swam with his words. Crow: [Aragorn] Until their sheer numbers overwhelmed me in their current, and I drowned. > He called me thoughtful and wise? Tom: Yeah, but you've got to consider the source. > Me, > who in the course of the evening had proven more than once that he > was not only unable to find words, Crow: Who can't find words? Boromir? Tom: That's unpossible. > no, that even if he talked, he > endangered himself and his beloved ones. Crow: Definitely Boromir. > He truly must be somewhat > dull-witted not to have noticed. All: BINGO! > > Or truly in love. Tom: No, I'd say the first assumption was correct. > > "What a gentle and caring soul you bear underneath your rugged > shell", I finally managed to say. Joel: [Aragorn] How lucky for me that it's molting season. Tom: He's like a $100,000 bar. Crunchy on the outside, with a soft, gooey center. > "And this is why I love you, for > you are true-hearted and valiant, and on top of it all, you are most > beautiful, too." Crow: [Aragorn] I now crown you...MISS GONDOR! > > "At least in my eyes", I added, as his look turned into amused > disbelief. Joel: Even Boromir is having trouble swallowing how weak and helpless Aragorn is. Crow: Didn't have trouble swallowing much else, though, did he? > > "And, I forgot, you do not always have to think before you can act, > in contrary to me." Tom: Which I guess is a good thing, since Boromir is incapable of thinking before he acts...or at all, for that matter. > > I kissed his forehead, gently trying to untangle some strands of his > hair, still smelling of Tom: Herbal Essences Roses and Tree-Sap Shampoo? > sweat and him and our sweet love-making. Joel: Ohmygodithinki'mgonnahurl. > Being so at ease with him, so close to him, filled my being with > peace, my heart with softly glowing happiness. Tom: [Aragorn/Mr. Burns] I bring you peace. I bring you love. > > He let his fingers run down my throat, Crow: [Aragorn] Boromir, get your hand out of my mouth before I throw up. > trailed onto my chest, until > he stopped at the pendant Arwen had given to me on our parting in > Rivendell, Joel: [Boromir] What a *darling* pendant! Where can I get one? > the only piece of clothing left on my body. Crow: And then God casts them out of the Garden of Eden? > > "What is this?", he asked, carefully fingering the precious stones. Crow: [Aragorn] Boromir, the jewels are around my neck--my *neck.* > "It doesn't look like you at all." Tom: [Boromir] You're not tiny and metallic. > > "It has been a present", I answered, Joel: And it's stopped being a present now? Tom: It returned itself. It walked out in disgust at its owner. > unsuccessfully avoiding the > touchy subject of my betrothed. Crow: If you unsuccessfully avoid something, is it safe to say you just didn't avoid it? > > "Who would give such a frilly thing to a ranger?", he asked, Tom: *You* might, given the circumstances. Joel: Frilly things for frilly Rangers, after all... > his > voice clearly showing merely curiosity for his Lovers life, no trace > at all of inappropriate nosiness. Crow: Inappropriate noisiness? Like all that farting during the sex scene? Joel: That's not what it said, and you know it. > > "Looks like elven craftswork, isn't it?" Tom: [Boromir] I get it. You've been sleeping with Legolas. Joel: [Aragorn] No. Tom: [Boromir] Elrond? Joel: [Aragorn] No. Tom: [Boromir] Haldir? Joel: [Aragorn] *sigh*... > > I nodded, still trying to figure out how to keep this unwieldy > subject out of this evening Tom: D'oh--too late! > that had unexpectedly turned out so > wonderful. Crow: So that was *after* the rape that everything went all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows? > > "Who was it?", he asked again, smiling, playfully poking me. Tom: [Aragorn] Quit poking me!!! > > I closed my eyes, decided he'd learn eventually anyway, Crow: He's got a glacially slow learning curve, Aragorn. Good thing you're so long-lived. > and > answered: Joel: [Aragorn] *You* gave it to me, you big lug! Don't you remember?...Ha! Gotcha! > > "It has been given to me as a parting gift by the woman I am > betrothed to." Crow: Shouldn't that read "*was* betrothed to"? > > He didn't even try to hide his astonishment. Tom: [Boromir] You mean you're engaged to Galadriel? Joel: [Aragorn] D'oh! > > "You will marry?" Tom: "Betrothed" usually does imply that, yes. > > "Yes, eventually, when all has turned out well Tom: [Aragorn] And Arwen forgets I ever knew you, Boromir. > and the Ring is > destroyed." Crow: [Aragorn] Thus freeing up Frodo...ooh, did I say that, or did I think it? > > "Oh." > > Merely 'oh'? Tom: That's what he *says*. In the meanwhile, steam pours from his ears... > > I didn't really understand why his reaction tweaked such a hot spike > of anger within me. I had expected him to grow angry or sad or - I > don't know. Crow: [Aragorn] But I couldn't bear his damned indifference! > > It was only that in my eyes, his plain reaction seemed to reduce our > love to a mere accident, Tom: Hope they have collision coverage. Crow: So do you call that a fender-bender, then? > a thought I loathed to accept. Tom: Odd how he's loath to accept this, but accepting the rape was easy. > > "Have I ever heard of her?", he asked after a short moment of uneasy > silence. Joel: Now he's acting like Aragorn's mother. Tom: [singing] Mother's gonna check out all your girlfiends for you/ Mother won't let anyone dirty get through. > > "Probably." I looked into his eyes, braced myself and said: Joel: Anyone else really want Aragorn to answer, "She's your mother," just to see what happens? Tom: Ah, the "What about Your Mom" defense. Gets 'em every time. > > "I'm promised to Arwen Undomiel, daughter of Elrond, as she is > pledged to me." Joel: You sure about that, buddy? Think back to that little talk you had with Galadriel.... Tom: Yeah, wasn't there something about not letting Arwen give her heart to a man who was in love with someone else? > > "Elronds daughter?", he gasped. Joel: [Announcer voice] This week, on _As the Fellowship Turns_... > > "I do not think her family will like what we did here, Crow: [Aragorn] For if I recall, this was not the elven definition of a bachelor party... > nor is hers a > house whose wrath is easy to ignore." Tom: [taunting] Elrond's gonna kill you! Elrond's gonna kill you! Crow: If Galadriel doesn't do it first.... CONTINUED in part 10 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 10/11 [NC-17] Date: 30 Jul 2003 20:34:26 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 640 Message-ID: <25318131.0307301934.763ab0c3@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 130.126.30.118 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059622467 13094 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 03:34:27 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 03:34:27 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:479 CONTINUED from part 9 > > He looked at me with a strange combination of insecurity and anger, > saying: Joel: [Boromir] Did my leather jerkin make me look fat? > > "What a tricky net you have manoeuvred me into, my love." Tom: Ah what a tangled web we weave, when, screwing men, we do deceive... > > Grinning nefariously, I moved onto my elbows, saying: Crow: [Aragorn/Jeremy Irons] Now is a good time to die! > > "Did I mention that her mothers mother is Galadriel, the elven queen > of Lorien?" Joel: [Boromir] No! I thought she was Galadriel, the waitress at Bob's Diner! > > Pure shock widened my lovers eyes, yet I somehow was Tom: [Aragorn] ...worried the electricity I managed to channel into his body through the lightning rod wasn't nearly enough to fry him as I wished. > unafraid he > might do something short-sighted, Crow: Boromir? Naw... > for his arms were still gently > holding me, Tom: [Aragorn] ...squeezing out my very life...perhaps I was too quick to judge him harmless.... > his body clearly saying he wasn't going to give me up, > at least not tonight. All: [singing] Never gonna let you go/I wanna hold you in my arms forever/Trying to make up for the times I hurt you so... Joel: Frightening how that fits, isn't it? > > "Oh gods!", he gasped softly, as the whole proportions of tonights > encounter came to his mind. Tom: [Boromir] I *slept* with a *man*! > > "And did I also mention", I went on, now Crow: [Aragorn] ...that finally, I got to talk. > with some kind of grim > amusement, "that she probably has been spying on us all the time, > and that she is quite likely Tom: Vomiting up all she's ever consumed? As are we? > retreating now in the worst mood since > the end of the second age?" Crow: [Aragorn] In fact, she's probably phoning her lawyers even as we speak. > > "You knew all this", he stated in accusing bewilderment. "Why did > you then--" Joel: [Aragorn] Because Galadriel's just so darn *cute* when she's angry! > > "Because I love you. I cannot say that I do know a way to untangle > this mess, Tom: So just make like Alexander the Great and hack it apart with your sword. Or at least hack Boromir, since he's the cause of it all. > but I do not regret any single word I said tonight, nor > anything I did." Crow: [Aragorn] Except maybe that nasty trick with the pine cone... > "Or anything that has been done with me, for that", > I added with a seedy smile. Tom: Not even the RAPE? Crow: Seedy, indeed. > > Boromir still looked at me, heavy thoughts moving behind his brows. Crow: [Boromir] So...who are you engaged to again? Tom: *Any* thought for him is a heavy thought. > > "And it was Galadriel herself who ordered me to sort things out with > you, Crow: [Galadriel] I meant your *laundry*, you numbskull! > to any outcome. Though I'm pretty sure she'd preferred to see > something less carnal." Joel: [Aragorn] She's a vegetarian, you see. > > "She knows...?" Whatever worries might have had crept into my lovers > thoughts were now replaced by pure bewilderment. Crow: Yep, thoughts don't stay in Boromir's mind for long. > > "'The Lady of the woods sees deep into the hearts of men. Tom: She's "The Shadow"! > And > whatever she sees will forever change the one who faced her gaze.' Joel: She could make a fortune hosting AA meetings and stuff. > The old saying is pretty true, my love, for I do not know about you, > but I have changed, far more than I would have thought possible." Crow: [Aragorn] For example, I'm gay now. > > I tried to kiss him, but he gently pressed me away, asking: Tom: [Boromir] Forsooth, why would you wish to purchse the cow, if I keep providing the milk for free? > > "How in all the worlds did you think all this would sort out?" > > I shrugged, saying: Tom: [Aragorn] Think? > > "Hadn't thought about it at all. By all accounts, I might be dead > before the next moon. Crow: [Aragorn] Especially after Galadriel kills me. > Or you might--" Joel: Ironic foreshadowing by Lords of Gondor, Inc. > I left it unsaid, for the > thought of it was Tom: --Really, really nice. Joel: And eerily true? > painful beyond expectation, too painful to even > word it. Crow: But not as painful for Aragorn as it would be for Boromir. > > "So you hoped one of us would die before you had to make a > decision?", Tom: [Aragorn] Actually, knowing Galadriel, I figured it was pretty much guaranteed. > he chided me with mocked anger. "What a lovely thought > of you!" Joel: [Aragorn] Yes, isn't it? > > Phrased that way, my former decision to wait seemed more like a > cowards hope to avoid conflict than a future kings wise plan. Crow: Well, if the shoe fits.... > Smiling guiltily, I shrugged once more, half-heartedly dodging > Boromirs playful slap at my head. Tom: With Aragorn's penchant for understatement, I'd say that was a sucker-punch aimed for the jaw. You? > > "I know it's no great kingly way to deal with things like that", I > admitted. Joel: [Boromir] That's true. So I'm sure you won't mind paying me 50 gold pieces a month to keep quiet about this. > "But no-one knows what the future will bring, Tom: [sings, as Aragorn] Que sera sera...Whatever will be, will be.... > and thus, I > am somewhat reluctant to make plans beyond our recent task at hand." Tom: [Aragorn] Aside from marrying Arwen, of course. Crow: Maybe he was secretly hoping to die before it came to that, too. > > Taking one deep breath, Boromir nodded, pulling me down to him > again. Crow: [Boromir] Yeah, yeah. Enough talk--back to your "kingly duty." > > "I'd liked to have know how you see our relationship, that's all." Tom: I'd like to have know who taught you to speak. > "I do not like the thought to be a mere replacement for a lovely yet > momentarily unavailable elven maiden." Joel: [Aragorn] You wouldn't look good in her gowns, anyway. > > His words made me draw in my breath sharply, Tom: In preparation for a good, old-fashioned hissy fit! > but before I could > answer, he added: > > "Especially, as I'm utterly untalented in pretending to be shy or > wise, nor am I slender Crow: [Aragorn] You sure aren't. Ever considered Weight Watchers? > or fey or whatever else one might attribute > to her race." Tom: Infinitely patient? Crow: Stupidly fascinated by undeserving mortals? Joel: Possessing a glimmer of intelligence? > > No, he truly was as far from elven stature as man might be, Crow: I guess Boromir should be proud of theat, eh? I've yet to hear anyone brag about being "hung like an elf." > yet his > words did not amuse me, impinging on Arwens honour as they were. Joel: Sure, because you uphold her honor every time you have sex with Boromir. > > "Take care of how you speak of the Lady Arwen, for Crow: [Aragorn] --Her grandmother is incredibly powerful and she's listening to every word. > she is pure and > not to be spoken of in anything but reverence", I said, Tom: But sleeping around behind her back is perfectly okay... > pointedly > reminding him that my feelings for her were by no means changed by > the night I had shared with him. Tom: Noooo, the fact that you were willing to risk your engagement for a roll in the grass with another man doesn't mean a thing. > > But he merely pouted at me, gently patting the small of my back, > saying: Joel: [Boromir] You sure are cranky. You must have gas. > > "I have not been speaking of the fair lady Arwen, nay, not at all." Crow: [Boromir] I'm talking about Legolas! > > He cupped my face between his hands, looking deep into my eyes, > adding seriously: Joel: [Boromir] One little twist and I could break your neck, you know. > > "I have been talking about the two of us, Tom: So which of them is the "elven maiden" in this scenario? > valiant defender of your > ladies honour, and if you see me as a lover equal to her Crow: [Aragorn] Well, you're kind of at a disadvantage since you don't have the pointy ears. Tom: He has other pointy things, I'd imagine. > or as a > mere little adventure on the sidelines of the battlefield." Tom: Or, is it as a mistake that's gone horribly, horribly wrong? > > He was right to demand at least that decision of me now, for tonight > we had been alone in the world, Crow: That's what they think. But little do they know that the whole Fellowship is sitting in the bushes, watching this. > but night was drawing to an end, and > tomorrow we would be back again to titles and responsibilities. Joel: Aragorn will be CEO, and Boromir will be acting Vice-President. > > "I - I'm not sure." Tom: [Aragorn] What were we talking about again? > > "Oh, how very nice of you." Joel: [Boromir] A dozen red roses! You really *do* love me! > > "No, please. Let me explain." Crow: And now he's rehearsing what he'll say to Arwen when he sees her again. > > Taking a deep breath, I tried to focus my thoughts before I > continued. Joel: [Aragorn] But alas, I failed, and all I could say was... > > "I do love you, and there is no doubt or deceit in my heart. Tom: Except toward Arwen, of course. > Most > definedly not so, my valiant Lover. And if you ask me now, the love > in my heart is by no means less than what I feel for the Lady Arwen. Joel: Aragorn's just a master at stringing them along, isn't he? > And this ails me, for I do not know any way to deal with this that > would not make at least one of us unhappy." Crow: [Aragorn] See, if I dump you, you're unhappy, and if I dump Arwen, Elrond kills me, and then I'm unhappy. > > I gently stroked his face, and in his eyes I saw the gentle light of > sad understanding. Joel: You could actually see the lightbulb go on in his head this time! > > "Please do not ask promises of me tonight, Tom: [Aragorn] I hate it when my lovers get all clingy. > for I do not want to hurt > my Lady Arwen more than I have already done with my deeds. Nor do I > want to reject you unnecessarily, for your love means much to me, > and I cannot part with you without dire need." Crow: [Aragorn] What I most desire is to have forth my cake, and to devour it as well. > > A soft, sad little smile lightened up Boromirs face as he bent to > kiss my chest. > > "You give sweet talk, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Crow: [Boromir] Now give me some sweet lovin'! > once you have put > your mind to it. And I will not force you. Tom: [Aragorn] You already did, remember? > You have shown your love > to me in word and deed, Joel: [Boromir] By telling me to stop and then letting me rape you. > and whatever love you will be able to share > with me in days to come Crow: [Boromir] For example, if you'd just roll over and take it again. > will be all I desire. Joel: [Boromir] Until the next time I black out and go after you in a mindlessly violent manner. > For I truly love you, > and though I will ever long to be as close with you as tonight, it > will be enough for me to know that you love me at all." Tom: [Boromir] And oh, King of Gondor, if you love me at all/bring me me a big, red, India-rubber ball! > > Smiling seedily, he added: > > "And the memory of our first night shared will be enough to warm my > lonely nights." Crow: [Boromir] When it's just me and my... Joel: Stop right there. > > "But then again", he added jokingly, "it just might increase my > desire until I do something thoughtless Tom: Like, say, raping him again? > and try to abduct you to > live in my lonely tower. Or stuff like that." Joel: Rapunzagorn, Rapunzagorn, let down your hair... > > We laughed, both knowing that future might turn out far darker than > we pictured it in our words. Joel: No shades needed in this future. Tom: Nothing's bright in this story, Joel. > But we held each other tight, for the > moment was precious to us [Tom screams] Joel: What's wrong? Tom: I suddenly got the mental image of a "Precious Moments" figurine of this scene. [Crow screams too] Joel: Thanks so much for that, Tom. [He buries his face in his hands] > and would be cherished in the dark days to > come, lightening our moods. Crow: [Aragorn] Whenever I'd need a little pick-me-up, I'd think of the night Boromir raped me, and I'd feel all warm and fuzzy inside... > > Laying closely together in silence for a long time, we thought of us > and what might become of our love if both of us would live beyond > our current task. Crow: [Aragorn] And then we agreed that a suicide pact was the only logical path that lay ahead. > > * Joel: [sings] Star of wonder, star of night... > > It was already close to morning, the first grey patches appearing in > the sky above the green canopy to our heads, Tom: They're in the jungle? > when I softly said to > Boromir: Crow: [Aragorn] My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. > > "There is one thing I can promise you, though." Joel: [Aragorn] Lots of taxes. They're pretty much a sure thing. > > Slow and sleepy my Lover opened his eyes, Tom: [Aragorn] Ha! Now it's *my* turn to keep *him* awake with endless talking! > and though the warm > heaviness of fatigue leadened his limbs, his eyes sparkled with > gentle curiosity. Joel: He's a Mogwai, like in _Gremlins_. > > "I can promise you, that whatever happens, I will never hurt you. Tom: [Aragorn] Unlike you did me, you bastard. > I > can promise that I will ever try to protect both your body and soul > from harm, Joel: You notice he doesn't say anything about Boromir's mind. He knows that's beyond hope. > and that I will gladly give not only my live, Crow: [Aragorn] But also my recordings, even the bootlegs! > but also my > happiness to see it done." > > He listened to my pledges with ever-growing eyes, Joel: Boromir's turning into an anime character! > sleepiness more > and more replaced by wide-eyed wonder. Tom: It's "Boromir in Wonderland"! > > "I cannot promise you what I will do in days to come, Crow: [Aragorn] Or who, for that matter. > nor can I > promise that all will be well. Joel: Boy, he's sure optimistic. Tom: [Aragorn] For instance, you might go nuts, try to steal the Ring, and get slaughtered by orcs in a couple of days. Speaking hypothetically, of course. > But I can tell that your life and > happiness are so close to my heart that I will try to protect them > at all costs." Joel: [Aragorn] Even at the cost of, say, my own dignity. > > "And that I will always love you, Tom: The role of Aragorn will now be played by Whitney Houston! > whatever fate has been laid out > before us.", I added, meanwhile grinning at his bewildered face. Joel: [Aragorn] Tee-hee! I love that look he gets when I use words of more than one syllable! > > "And you were the one who talked about not to make important pledges > too soon." Crow: [Aragorn] I know, but they were offering the Complete Frank Sinatra Collection at the $500 level... > > "Well", I shrugged, still grinning cheekily, "now that I've had time > to think, I know what to say." Tom: [Aragorn] *ahem* I regret this and I want you to leave. There, I said it. > > "You really know how to talk sweet as honey, my love. All: [sing] Your kisses are/sweeter than honey/but baby/so's my money/ and all I ask is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T! > So maybe there > has been one good side to all that elven manners that have been bred > into you." Joel: That's not the only good thing. Wait till you taste his cookies. Crow: I thought he already did. > > Kissing me, it was now Boromir who cleared his throat and raised up > on his elbow to say: Crow: [Boromir] Hrmmmshfff. Tom: [Aragorn] Perhaps he should have stopped kissing me, first. > > "So as you have given your pledges freely and graciously, I will > pledge myself to you as well." Joel: It's Hell Week at the Fellowship Fraternity House! > > Blinking in astonishment I looked at him, for I had not spoken as I > had to provoke any reaction of his. Crow: [Aragorn] In fact, I'd rather hoped he'd just kiss off. > > "I will pledge to you that I will always be by your side in love, if > not in body, than in soul, Tom: Even on his honeymoon with Arwen? That's disturbing. > and that I shall always strive to keep > you from harm, be it in body, heart or soul, Joel: [Boromir] --but your mind has to fend for itself. > by acting or > abstaining, Crow: I somehow don't think these two will go for much abstaining. > by life or death. Joel: [Aragorn] Great! Your death will prevent me from getting harmed by Elrond. See to it, okay? > So I pledge, to be true and binding Crow: [Boromir] Like a badly-fitting shirt... > until my very last breath, for the gods to bear witness." > > "Oh.-" Tom: [Aragorn] --crap. We just got married, didn't we? CONCLUDED in part 11 Path: archiver1.google.com!postnews1.google.com!not-for-mail From: kaitou...@yahoo.com (Kaitou Juliet) Newsgroups: alt.tv.mst3k.mstings Subject: [MiSTing] A Brother, Captain, and King 11/11 [NC-17] Date: 31 Jul 2003 07:15:14 -0700 Organization: http://groups.google.com/ Lines: 599 Message-ID: <25318131.0307310615.59e42186@posting.google.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: 128.174.48.32 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-Trace: posting.google.com 1059660915 18537 127.0.0.1 (31 Jul 2003 14:15:15 GMT) X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 31 Jul 2003 14:15:15 GMT Xref: archiver1.google.com alt.tv.mst3k.mstings:480 CONTINUED from part 10 > > Now it was my turn to stare in wonder, for I had never anticipated Tom: [Aragorn] --To be unexpectedly tricked into marrying Boromir. I always expected at least a ring or something first. > such a loving and great pledge from him, and though he hadn't really > promised more than love and protection as I had myself, Joel: Better learn how to make small promises sound impressive if you're going to have a career in politics, Aragorn. > the ancient > form he had chosen for his oath impressively showed his seriousness. Tom: Or his utter lack of originality. > > I felt honored and gifted to be deemed worthy for so binding an oath > from a man who had, only mere days ago, been giving the impression > to me that he'd rather see me dead. Crow: Days? Try hours! > > "I thank you, Lover, and in all honor and with great joy I accept Joel: [Aragorn] --this Academy Award. I'd like to thank my mother, and Elrond, and especially my wonderful fiancee Arwen.... > your oath", I replied, as ancient in form as his pledge had been. > > We kissed, sealing our oaths with our lips, both filled with loving > admiration. Tom: Both lips? > Huddling together, we snuggled underneath our makeshift > blanket, this time Boromir holding me in his arms tightly. Crow: And then the world ended. > > "We ought to get some sleep before the others wake up.", I said, > feeling sleep crouching up to me like a sneaking spider. Joel: Crouching Spider, Hidden Tarantula. Tom: [singing] The sneaking, creaking spider climbed up the waterspout/ bit Boromir on the neck and knocked the bastard out... > > "If we're lucky, we might walk up on them before the have noticed > that we have been away all night. Crow: Going by most Lord of the Rings fanfiction, they'll have been too busy to notice. > Maybe we just tell them that we > have risen early, Crow: I'd say. > and haven been out in the forest practising." > > "Practising what?" > > "Swords." Tom: Yeah, that's a perfectly innocent, non-metaphorical excuse. Crow: [Aragorn] So wait a minute, when you said you were going to give the hobbits some "sword training," you meant.... > > "Oh." > > "Might work", I added after a moment of sleepy silence. "But only as > long as nobody sees the marks I left on your chest." Joel: Yeah, the one that says "Aragorn wuz here" might clue them in. > > Softly chuckling, we both closed our eyes, waiting for the long- > denied sleep to come. Tom: Sleeeeeep! > > But once more Boromir broke the silence, saying: Crow: [Boromir] It's too damn quiet out here. I think I'll go back to talking incessantly. Joel: [Boromir] So, how 'bout them Yankees? > > "You know, I might become happy with you after all." Crow: [Aragorn] Well, all right, but only if I can be Sleepy. > > "Mh?" was the only thing I could answer, sleepy as I was. Tom: [Aragorn] Though I was thinking, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" > > "As a Lover, you have made me happy already, even if in future we > might only love each other as brothers might. Crow: [Faramir] Leave me out of this! > And as the captain of > our fellowship, you perform reasonably well, Joel: [Boromir] I give you a 7! > so after all, you might > become a king not so bad at all." Tom: [Boromir] Me speak good, huh? > > I shook my head, amused by his conceptions. Tom: Immaculate? Crow: Not hardly. > > "Who's doing the sweet talk now?", I asked without bothering to open > my eyes. Joel: [Aragorn] Because it couldn't possibly be you. > > "I do love you too. But now get some sleep." > > He kissed my neck one last time, and Tom: [Aragorn] Sucked deeply, draining me of the last of my blood, sending me into eternal slumbering darkness... Crow: [Aragorn] I *knew* I should have bitten him first when I had the chance. > we both drifted away into a > deep and dreamless sleep. Joel: And above, the silent stars go by. > > ********** Joel: There they go now. > > And then he died, in my own arms, on the slopes of Amon Hen. Crow: [Aragorn] And I was free! Free! FREE! > > Riddled with orc-arrows he lay there, Tom: Riddle me this--when is an orc not an orc? > bleeding, shivering, coughing > up blood, and both of us knew that Crow: [Aragorn] He'd gotten exactly what he deserved. > all help for him would be too > late. Tom: We've known that all along. Joel: Because the opening paragraph said Boromir was going to die? Tom: Well, that too. > > There had been no real chance to talk again since that one single > night we had passed together in that little grove in Lorien. Joel: [Aragorn] Come to think about it, I hadn't had a real chance to talk since Boromir joined the Fellowship. > There > had been so much to plan, Tom: Like how, exactly, to break this all to Arwen. Crow: Not to mention Elrond. > so many things to prepare for our way > further down to Mordor. Joel: Like how to convince Boromir they were actually going to Mordor and not Minas Tirith. > And since we had at least 'settled the > issue', as Galadriel had put it, we came along splendidly. Crow: Understatement of the Age. Joel: No, Crow. Just...no. > > I had kindled the hope that once we had left Lothlorien, we two > might be able to sneak away at night Tom: And get married in Vegas? > like the lovers we were, > sharing some moments of mutual passion, Joel: [Aragorn] And remember, Arwen, this doesn't change my feelings for you one little bit! > but there had been too many > signs of orcs in the region already. Tom: "Caution, Orc Crossing." Crow: "Minas Morgul, 500 km." Joel: "Eat at Shagrat's Pizza Palace." > Guard duty had put an end to > our romantic hopes. Crow: You'd think standing at attention would raise their romantic hopes...among other things. > > Yet there had been sweet looks every now and then, little gestures > that had shown each other that our feelings were still fresh, Joel: They keep leaving Hallmark cards on each others' pillows. > some > remarks that only the two of us knew to be not so innocent as they > might have seemed to the uninvolved. Tom: [Aragorn] So, wanna go do some "sword practice"? > > It had been a pleasant time, but duty had put a clear end to > romance. Joel: Make War, Not Love. > > I will not speak here about Boromirs ill-fated affinity for the lure > of Saurons Ring, Crow: [Aragorn] Mostly 'cause I'm jealous. > for enough on this has been said in so many other > books, Tom: Aragorn's gift of foresight is remarkable, isn't it? > and it had tortured me beyond words to see a loved one being > infected with an illness all my skill as a healer could neither > banish nor slow. Crow: Stupidity, you mean? > > But my heart had been heavy with sorrow already for days, and when I > saw him lying there, dying, I felt a Tom: [Aragorn] Strange joy unlike any other I'd ever experienced... > part of me dying with him. > Kneeling next to him, I cradled his head in my arms, Joel: [Aragorn] Cootchie-coo, widdle baby Boromir! > trying to > console him, trying to give him confidence in a future he would > never live to see. Crow: Trying to smother the last of his life out of him and end my eternal torment. Joel: [Aragorn] Trust me, Boromir, we're all going to have *great* times without you! > There were so many things I longed to say, Tom: [Aragorn] But I'd been waiting so damnably long, I'd forgotten most of them. > so > much to express in so terribly few moments left, that it was once > more Boromir who spoke before me. Tom: There's a shock. > > "My brother", he whispered. Joel: [Aragorn] I keep telling you, *Faramir's not here!* > "My captain" Tom: [Aragorn] Major, actually. I just got promoted. > > And then, with his last breath: "My king." Crow: Elvis!! > > His eyes broke, Joel: I didn't know Boromir had glass eyes. > and he left me without ever having had a chance to > tell him one last time how much he meant to me, how much I loved > him. Tom: Right to the very end, Boromir won't let anyone else get a word in edgewise. > Kissing his forehead, I send a silent message after him, Joel: "Thanks for the sandwich!" > conveying all my love, all my care, all my sorrow. Tom: Hallmark e-cards from beyond the grave... > > Since then, much has been said and written about the role of Boromir > the Fair, Boromir the Tempted, as called by some, Crow: "Boromir the Dimwit," by others. Tom: "Bore" to his friends. Joel: "Borrykins" to his *special* friends. > in the history of > the war of the Ring and the Fall of Sauron. I have always abstained > from such speculation, Crow: Too bad that habit couldn't carry over into your sex life. > for my judgement will never be impartial when > it comes to this brickheaded Gondorian prince. Tom: No, apparently he will forever be insulted in your eyes. > > He might have been close as a brother to me, Joel: [Aragorn] I'm an only child, so I'm not really sure. > I was his captain once > and would have gladly become his king by now. Tom: [Aragorn] If only anyone would recognize me as such! > > But for one night, we had joined as Lovers, Crow: [Aragorn] We withdrew our membership when we found out how high the annual dues were. > and as such, I will > always remember him. Joel: [Aragorn] Especially on those cold nights when I awaken in a sweat, screaming in terror. > > And as such, I will always love him. > > [They stand up and leave. Door sequence.] [SoL Bridge. There is a large and handsome puppet theater set up on the countertop. Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are standing beside it.] Joel: Good evening, and welcome to SoL Puppet Theater. Tonight, we present our rendition of "An Evening in Lothlorien," inspired by this evening's fanfic. [whispers, to others] Places! [Tom and Crow move behind the theater.] Joel: You with us Gypsy? Gypsy: [still a little sulky] Yeah, okay. [She moves behind the puppet theater.] Joel: Magic Voice, are you ready with the music? Magic Voice: Yes. But I'd like to apologize in advance to Claude- Michel Schoenberg. [Joel joins the bots behind the puppet theater.] Joel: Lights, please! [The lights dim. Cambot moves in to frame the puppet stage. Over the speakers, the first strains of "One Day More" from _Les Miserables_ can be heard.] [Two finger puppets, representing Aragorn and Boromir, pop up. You can tell who all the puppets are because they are made from photos of the movie cast cut out of a magazine and pasted onto cardboard backing. Throughout this piece, the voices are provided by Joel, Crow, Gypsy, Magic Voice, and Tom--making use of the Tom Servo Choir for the big ensemble parts.] Aragorn: One word more Another windy speech from Boromir It makes me wonder what I'm doing here His need to talk is very dire I really wish he would expire One word more.... Boromir: I'm really glad to know you're gay I'm really sorry that I raped you Aragorn: One word more. Boromir: It's just your snobby Elvish ways They really made me want to hate you Arwen: One more day as number two.... (Aragorn & Boromir: I forgive you all your faults!) Arwen: Does the charm you wear mean nothing? (Aragorn & Boromir: I was born to be with you!) Arwen: While I've been waiting here for you (Aragorn & Boromir: And I swear I will be true!) Arwen: You've been sleeping with a man! [swelling chords] Galadriel: Oh, that stupid Aragorn! (Boromir: And the moonlight on your skin) Galadriel: I really should have seen this coming (Boromir: And the starlight in your your eyes) Galadriel: I wish he never had been born! (Boromir: Make me want to claim that prize!) Galadriel: Elrond's gonna have a cooooooow! Rest of Fellowship: He'll hunt...you down...and run...you through! Aragorn: One word more! Legolas: One more evening in Lothlorien One more evening with no fun I'm the handsomest by far here How come I'm not getting some? Hobbits & Gimli: Fighting in the woods Rolling in the hay Looks to be about the same thing either way First a little tiff Then a little touch They might think we're stupid but we don't miss much! All Fellowship: Our Fellowship will soon be moving (And the ring will be destroyed) The Lords of Gondor will return! (Alas, they really will return!) Our masculinity we're proving (We'll be doing everyone) As you can see, we'll never learn Boromir: Tonight...my dear...I lie...with you! Aragorn: One word more! Boromir: I'm really glad to know you're gay I'm really sorry that I raped you Legolas: I will primp and preen for hours I will look so very good Even Aragorn will want me To have fun out in the woods! Arwen: One more day as number two! Boromir: It's just your snobby Elvish ways They really made me want to hate you Legolas: One more evening in Lothlorien One more evening with no fun I'm the handsomest by far here! Hobbits & Gimli: Fighting in the woods Rolling in the hay Looks to be about the same thing either way Aragorn: Now Boromir will talk all night I haven't got the will to fight All: Tomorrow he'll continue Till we all have got the urge to snore One more speech One more word One...word...more! [The chords thunder to a close. Magic Voice provides tumultuous applause as the finger puppets take a bow.] [Cambot pulls back to show the cast celebrating at a "cast party." Most are holding drinks, and there is a tray of cheese cubes set up on the countertop next to the puppet theater. Joel has a acquired a smoking jacket from somewhere.] Joel: Crow, you were divine tonight.... Crow: Why, thank you, Joel. You were smashing yourself. [turns to Gypsy] And Gypsy, you have a lovely singing voice! Joel: Yeah, you were great, Gyps! Gypsy: Hmmph! [Turns her back on them] Tom: [rushing up] I've just seen the early reviews! The critics *loved* it! [Mads' light begins flashing] Joel: Ah, that must be another message of congratulations now. [Hits light] [Deep 13] Dr. F: Not hardly, you pathetic excuses for thespians! [SoL] Crow: We are not thespians! We're just very good friends. [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is standing before the camera. Frank is not visible.] Dr. F: Yes, that's what they all say. Anyway, listen, I've got a business proposition for you. It seems we each have a problem the other can solve. Frank: [offscreen] Man, Steve, you wouldn't believe how hot the _Audobon Guide to North American Birds_ is when you feed it through the Slashifier.... Dr. F: Ever since I installed the slashifier, I haven't been able to drag Frank away from the computer. And I gather you've had a little trouble since installing the de-slashifier, right? [SoL] Joel: [pensive] Hmmm...you know, that's interesting. Ever since I de-slashified Gypsy's writing, she's been a little upset with me. Gypsy: [over Joel's shoulder] YOU BET I HAVE! [Deep 13] Dr. F: So, I propose...a swap. My Slashifier for your De-slashifier. [SoL] Joel: Well, let me think about this.... Gypsy: Do it, Joel! Joel: I'll do it if you let us have our cable reception back. [Deep 13] Dr. F: Yes, yes, all right! [presses a blue button on his instrument panel.] There, your cable's back. Just send me the De- slashifier by email, and I'll upload the Slashifier as soon as I get Frank away from the computer. [Dr. F rolls up his sleeves, picks up a handy clown hammer, and stalks offscreen.] [SoL. Crow, Tom, and Gypsy are clustered happily around Joel.] All: Yay! You did it! Tom and Crow: Our hero!! Joel: Yep. Gypsy gets her stories back, and we get our movies. Crow: That's great! I can't wait to see what Samurai Aragoln is up to in the next installment! Tom: Yeah! Joel, can you build me a Japanese-translation filter before that comes out? Gypsy: Aw, thanks, Joel. I guess you're okay after all. Joel: C'mon guys--let's all go see what's on TV in Japan! [All, including Gypsy, exit into the theater.] \ | / \ | / ----o---- / | \ / | \ Thanks to our special guest, The Placid Jack Acid, for providing additional riffs! "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2003 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. "A Brother, Captain, and King" belongs to Osiris Brackhaus, who was a really good sport about letting us MiST it. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., or Phantom 1 is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are implied or should be inferred. Stinger: > "I have a dream", he said, smiling at me sadly. "One day, we both will > ride into the White City, and all the folk will be there, hailing us, > shouting 'Alas, the Lords of Gondor have returned!'"