> THREE > > The thunder boomed softly in the distance as Dr. Minotaur inched his way up > the steep roadway that led to the south gate of the City of Garkle. Brak: That's what ya get for not springing for the power steering, buddy. > But > when he was only a third of the way up, the thunderheads, moving as if all > hell were at their tail, swiftly engulfed him. They sent bolts of > blue-white fire down into the Valley of Death. Then the rain came down and > splattered on the parched, dusty earth. > Brak: [singing] Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory- > Dr. Minotaur sought shelter in a shallow cave and soon fell into a deep > slumber. Zorak: And he got killed and reincarnated as a possum. And nobody noticed the difference. > His rest was marred only by a single horrible nightmare. A > nightmare in which Minotaur was engulfed by a great brown swamp. In the > swamp multicoloured pixies danced joyfully into the jaws of a pulsating > blob of green ooze that was randomly broken by bright purple veins and > orange zits. > Zorak: Red rashes, and blue boils. [singing] Crusted yucky swamp, it's magically disgusting! > "Wait!" cried Minotaur. "Why are you going so joyfully to your deaths?" > Lokar: If you had not slept through the greater part of this story, you would not need to ask that question. > "Death?" inquired a pixie with gold wings and a silver body. "Death? This > is not a form of death. It is a rebirth; an entry into a new form of > existence; an existence in harmony with the ultimate truth of this > universe. Tansit: Renew! Renew! Renew! Renew! > In, as you call it, 'dying' this one time we help our dear > friend, Jennifer, rediscover her true nature." > Brak: Um, maybe it's time Jennifer tried straightening her head out by herself? > "Jennifer?" said Minotaur. "Who's Jennifer?" > Lokar: Some poor sod who has not been given the benefit of exposition. > The pixie said nothing as it stretched a slender arm towards the... > Brak: Toward the what? > >>CRACK!<< Tansit: Toward the crack, I guess. > The cave was suddenly bathed in light as a great bolt of > lightning split an old withered witch who had been resting with her broom > in the pouring rain just outside the cave entrance. Brak: [witch, singing] Oh, the wizard's staff has a knob on the end- > Dr. Minotaur woke up > with a start and was silently pondering the still smoking ashes of the > witch (he could barely see them in the dim light) when a strange, brightly > glowing Nebula of light and energy slowly coalesced just three metres in > front of him. > Tansit: [falsetto] Are you a good witch or a bad witch? > The Nebula pulsated for what seemed to be hours before asking in a > strangely metallic voice; Brak: [Metallus] Mwaaaam mwaam mwaaaaaaaaam. > "Who is Naomi?" > Lokar: Probably yet another friend of the writers. > "I don't know," replied Dr. Minotaur meekly. > > "You don't know!" cried the Nebula in a loud and harshly metallic voice. > > "No." > Brak: [Nebula] So you DON'T know! Tansit: [Dr. Minotaur] Yes! Brak: [Nebula] Yes, you don't, or no, you do? Tansit: [Dr. Minotaur] I don't know! Brak: [Nebula] You don't know if you know? Tansit: [Dr. Minotaur] Yes! > "Oh well I'll go then," whispered the nebula. "But before I leave, may I > see the coin?" > > "Sure, here it is," said Dr. Minotaur holding it up. > Zorak: And the nebula takes the coin. PSYCHE! > "Hmm, very nice. But remember, good doctor, that you are our only hope. Do > not fail us!" > Tansit: [falsetto] Help me, Minotaur, you're our only hope. Bzzt! Help me, Minotaur, you're our only hope. > "Fail you? What do you mean?" But it was too late. The Nebula had vanished > and so had the rain. > All: Huh? Zorak: Well, THAT was pointless. > Minotaur crawled carefully out of the cave and once again inched his way up > the steep roadway. The remainder of his upward climb was uneventful except > for the death of a small child at the hands of a giant owl. Lokar: As was that. > Dr. Minotaur > listened to her cries fade in the distance and thought; "These young brats > always complain about the slightest discomfort." > Zorak: Y'know, sometimes I almost like this guy. > He reached the gate to the city. It was made of what looked like solid iron > and was covered with deep engravings of terribly evil scenes of destruction > and death. > [Zorak rubs his hands together and chuckles evilly.] Lokar: Zorak, have I yet mentioned how predictable you are? > "Quite the gate," thought Minotaur. > Zorak: If this guy was chucked into Hell, he'd just stand around and say "Kinda hot here." > His thoughts were cut short by the clatter of rock upon rock. He quickly > looked around but saw nothing. > Brak: [Dr. Minotaur] AAAAHHHH! I'm BLIND! > "Hmmm, I had better knock," said Minotaur to himself, and proceeded to do > so. Zorak: Wow, talk about a take charge kinda guy! > All that could be heard was the dull, hollow thud of his pounding. > > Dr. Minotaur waited for and answer; Zorak: Yet more breakneck standin'-around-and-doing-nothing action! > and waited Tansit: And? > and waited [Brak fidgets. His eyelids are fluttering.] > and waited [Brak nods off and slouches against Tansit. Tansit does not notice - the red lights that mark his eyes have disappeared.] > and waited [Zorak's head droops down.] > and waited [Lokar dozes off onto his magazine] > then a great creaking sound filled the air as the huge iron gates opened > into the city. > All: [various startle noises] Huh? Wha--? > Inside were the streets of Garkle. Great stone buildings loomed over > Minotaur and a sense of emptiness filled his thoughts. Not a sound could be > heard. > Brak: [singing] Silence, not a sound from the pavement. > "Hello," called Minotaur. "Anyone home?" > > Out of the silence came an echoing reply; "No." > [Zorak blinks with a loud *bloonk* sound effect. It echoes back hollowly.] > "Are you sure?" asked Minotaur. > > "Quite sure," replied the Echo. > > "Sorry that I disturbed you for nothing." > > "It's quite all right. I am here only to observe." > Tansit: I am to you as you are to an amoeba. > Puzzled by the last words of the Echo, Dr. Minotaur entered Garkle and > began to wander aimlessly in search of someone - anyone. Zorak: [Echo] What?! I just TOLD you nobody was here! Weren't you listening?! > He called out > occasionally but received only distant, haunting replies. The tall > buildings suddenly gave way into a gigantic courtyard. In the centre of the > courtyard yawned a wide hole over which an incredibly ugly statue hung, > suspended in space by some unknown magic. > Tansit: Dr. Minotaur searched for crystal vials and green mana cubes before pulling out his trusty serpent staff and looking for ettins. > Dr. Minotaur meandered up to the hole and carefully peered over the edge. > Only utter blackness could be seen, and faint sounds of high-pitched talk > and laughter drifted out of the dank depths. > Tansit: Oooh, I hate it when there's a party and I'm not invited! Zorak: Bet that happens a *lot*. > He spent many long minutes listening to the distant laughter when he > suddenly realized that the high-pitched voices were much louder and rapidly > becoming more so. Lokar: Becoming more much louder. [shakes head] > He turned to run but it was too late. Dozens of small > blue men swarmed out of the hole and on to Minotaur. He fought the tiny > creatures but was overpowered and swiftly tied up. > Lokar: Yet again, the main character is rendered helpless and forced to react instead of acting. How very- Zorak: BORRRRR-ING. > Once Dr. Minotaur had been incapacitated, the small blue men went into a > wild tribal dance around him. They were small, blue, elvish looking > humanoids with strangely rounded features, and were wearing small white > pom-pom-less toques, and white fatigues. Brak: These must be the older, Las Vegas Elvish, not the younger ones. > They also looked exactly like the > statue. > Tansit: Except they're just three apples high. > "What the hell are they?" thought Dr. Minotaur while struggling to escape > his bonds. > Zorak: I dunno, but last time I saw things like that was after Dr. Nightmare spiked the punch at Sisto's New Year's party. Brak: [sulkily] I wouldn't know. > Out of the hole popped another blue man, this time clad in bright red and > carrying a red hot poker. Tansit: Royal flush! Hot dang! I'll raise ya two hundred! > He joined the dance about Minotaur, leaving the > gyrating circle every once in a while to stab at Minotaur with the hot > metal. > Zorak: Idjit, you're supposed to turn the meat on the spit, not poke the spit at the meat. > Minotaur writhed with agony, but his bonds would not loosen. > Zorak: Bah! This loser couldn't fight off a buncha stinkin' gnomes. You could tie him up with toilet paper. > The dancing stopped. Dr. Minotaur was hefted up by the blue men and tossed > down the hole. He fell in silence for what seemed an eternity before > landing with an 'oof' in a bed of straw. The blue men swarmed down after > Minotaur, using him as a landing pad to soften their falls. > Zorak: [blue creature] YEOW! Shouldn't'a aimed for the horns! > "Oof - oof - oof - oof - oof - oof - oof - ..." breathed Minotaur. > Tansit: [Dr. Minotaur] Hey! Cut it out! I bruise easily! > Torches were lit and Dr. Minotaur was carried off down a low side tunnel. Zorak: [little blue creature] Hey, Beef Log, ever think of gettin' up and WALKING? You weigh a ton! > They passed through a myriad of passages and rooms. Past scenes of bunnies > and squirrels being savagely tortured by the small blue men, past specialty > squads practising assassinations on rubber figures, past more blue men > throwing darts at stuffed toy animals (stuffed polar bears in particular) > and so on and so forth while travelling down into the depths. > Lokar: My, this trek into the author's psyche is becoming more picturesque by the second. > The procession stopped and Dr. Minotaur was untied and unceremoniously > dumped into a large prison cell. The cell was filled with all manners and > types of creatures, humanoid, caninoid, piggoid, et cetera and they looked > back at Minotaur with curiosity, who was to them a strange creature indeed. > Brak: [Curiosity] Well, you're no winners yourselves! > A small bear got up and shuffled over to Minotaur. Sitting on his haunches > directly in front of the crouching doctor, the bear said: > > "Hi! Who are you?" > > "I am Dr. Minotaur of Crete 0347," replied our good doctor. "Who are you?" > Brak: Hi, my name is Brak! > "Booger-Booger, but you can call me Boo for short. What are you doing > here?" > > "I really don't know, I was just wandering through Garkle..." > Lokar: Blindly stumbling through this story... > "Is that what the city is called?" > > "Yes...looking for a boat to rent when these little blue things..." > > "They're called frums." > Zorak: Where's a baby dragon when you need one? > "Really? Well anyway, I was looking for a boat when these frums swarmed all > over me ..." > > "Near the statue?" > > "Yes! They swarmed all over me and dumped..." > > "Did they use you as a landing pad?" > Zorak: [Dr. Minotaur] Hey! Who's tellin' this story? > "YES! They used me as a landing pad as they carted me to this...place." > > "There is no need to get testy," whined the small bear. "I don't want to > talk to you anymore." > Tansit: [Yogi Bear, aside] He's been acting like this ever since he met that Mr. Kricfaluci. > "Wait, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." > > But it was too late and the small bear scurried away into a far corner. > > "I wonder how they managed to get so many corners in a circular room" > thought Minotaur. > Brak: The same way they get corners into a boxing ring? > "Listen everyone," cried Minotaur. "Do any of you know of a way out of this > scum hole?" > Lokar: Oh, yes, of course someone *must* know the way out, and simply have *neglected* to make use of it until now! > He was greeted by a murmured chorus of negative replies of various forms > and tones. (A piggoid creature in the corner opposite from that of the > small bear being particularly violent in his denial.) Tansit: [Larry] But that's not important right now. Just thought I'd mention it. > Minotaur ignored the > creature and moved over to the door. It was a typical wooden door with > golden bars, hinges and bolts: an average Garkle door. Dr. Minotaur thought > out loud; "We must be near the surface. This place is too big to have been > built by those frums or their minions." > Lokar: And it is not at all possible that he could have used existing caves, oh no. > Minotaur's thoughts were met by grunts and squeals. He never was very good > at deductive logic. > All: DUH. > "To hell with that bunch," thought Dr. Minotaur as he opened the unlocked > door and left the cell. Soon after leaving he noticed a high-pitched > screaming behind him. An immense crowd of frums had filled the corridor and > were rushing at Dr. Minotaur. > Zorak: Dr. Minotaur realized that he had blundered into a nest of army frums. Within minutes, his carcass was stripped to the bone. > He ran. > > The frums followed. > Zorak: Red-hot followin' action! [brak starts humming chase music.] > Soon an exit loomed in the distance and Minotaur raced for it. But just as > he was about to reach it, a pit opened at his feet. > > "Shit!" was his only thought as he fell in. > Brak: That's the cesspit? Ewwww. > Fortunately the pit was more a slide than a hole. It really could have been > much worse. The pit could have been filled with poisoned stakes or raging > tigers or even a dreaded were-chicken. Minotaur shuddered at the thought > that there might have been a dreaded were-chicken in the pit/slide. > Zorak: There night have been a six-foot-tall mantis who's devour you just out of BOREDOM! > The slide ended and Dr. Minotaur found himself in mid-air, falling rapidly. Zorak: Whaddaya expect, to fall slowly? Tansit: Try to miss the ground! > He looked down and saw water; a large bay filled with ships and human > warriors. They had swarmed ashore and parts of Garkle were burning. > Brak: Huh? Wait, he was underground, wasn't he? How's he outside now? Lokar: He was washed out by a stream of consciousness. > Minotaur hit the water with a sploosh and blacked out. Tansit: How many time is this he's blacked out, or fallen asleep, or been knocked out? Brak: I lost count. Zorak: And we got how many more chapters of this to go? This guy's gonna be more punch-drunk than Muhammad Ali by the end. > When he awoke he > found himself on his back on the deck of a ship with the distant noise of > battle all around him.. Brak: Musta been a *really big* ship. > Dr. Minotaur propped himself up on his elbows and > peered over the side. Nearly all of Garkle was ablaze. The sea was becoming > rougher by the minute and the wind began to buffet the many ships filling > the bay. > Brak: I can see it now! Cheeses and little san'wiches and pieces of meat on toothpicks with frilly colored plastic and little napkins all blowin' around! > The wind continued to rise rapidly. > Lokar: Eventually it reached the upper atmosphere, and the ground was becalmed. > Minotaur scrambled for the nearest hatch. An orange slime blocked his way. > He ran through it and slipped, falling down into the darkened interior of > the ship with a thump. > Brak: Thump-thadum-thump-thump-toinnnnng. Tansit: What was that? Brak: He got stuck in the ground by his horns. > "Who are ye?!" screamed an ugly, one-eyed gnome. The gnome was an odd > looking gnome. He was clad in a bright orange shirt with dark green pants. > On his head sat an unusually large housefly. > Zorak: [fly] I'll make it worth your while if you get me the inside dirt on The Feebles, bzz-zz-zz! > "What ship is this and where is it headed?" demanded the slightly stunned > Minotaur. > > "It's the Queen Baazel, and it's headed for HELL!" cackled the gnome with > unnecessary melodrama. > Tansit: I thought they were already there. Zorak: I know WE are. > As it turned out, the Queen Baazel was not headed for hell, the gnome was > insane, the storm blew for weeks sending the ship all over creation, and > the housefly's name was Fred. Zorak: Nice to meetcha, Fred. (to Brak) Pass the ketchup, wouldja? next Back 1 > FOUR > Brak: FORE! [ducks] > As Dr. Minotaur pondered what next to say to the hideous midget, a shadow > fell over him. Brak: Thunk! [Dr. Minotaur] Hey, why don't'cha watch where you're goin'? > He looked up through the open hatchway at a silhouetted > face. > Brak: [Dr. Minotaur] Hey, that kinda looks like half a vase. > "Arr! What d'you think yer doing down there stupid fool! That gnome is a > crazy fool prisoner!" > Brak: But is he a crazy *lovesick* fool prisoner? Lokar: Will you *shut up*! Brak: I'm just tryin' to have fun- Lokar: It is nearly impossible to read with your incessant yammering. Zorak: Oh, like you haven't already read that sissy article on crocheting doilies three times? [Lokar, attempting to keep his dignity, turns the page and begins a new article.] > The mysterious being reached out an oddly shaped arm and hauled Dr. > Minotaur out of the makeshift brig and closed the hatchway. Minotaur now > looked closely at the captain of the Queen Baazel. Brak: [Mrs. Fawlty] Basil, put that thing down. It's all... nasty. And hairy. > He, too, had a single > eye socket, except that he didn't have a second empty one, just the single > eye centred above his nose. His forearms and calves were heavily muscled > and shaped like hams and his upper arms and his thighs were pencil thin. He > was also bald. > Tansit: And he am what he am. > "Me name's Bumchin. I'm the cap'n of this here ship. That gnome was part of > the crew of the Lust Boat. We're feeding them that orange slime until we > get a chance to unload them." > Lokar: [Bumchin] I am also the latest round of unnecessary exposition. > "Well...my name's Dr. Minotaur Brak: From Crete 90120. > and I'd appreciate it if perhaps I could be > dropped off back in port. You see, I'm travelling to..." > Tansit: [Rod Serling] A dimension not only of sight and of sound, but of mind. > "You stupid git! There's a storm blowing us out to the open sea. So's > unless you want to try to swim back to port, yer stuck with us for the > duration." > Zorak: Swim! Swim for it! Tansit: But he could drown. All: SWIM! SWIM FOR IT!! > Dr. Minotaur looked around and noticed for the first time that there was > indeed a storm blowing. Quite a bad one actually. Dr. Minotaur then noticed > that gale force winds were painfully pelting him with freezing rain, thus > thoroughly soaking and chilling him. > Lokar: Yet, amazingly enough, Captain "Exposition" Bumchin didn't think to mention the atmospheric conditions. > "How strange of me not to notice before,"mused Minotaur to himself. > Tansit: Still just standing around in the rain... > "As luck would have it," the captain yelled conversationally over the > raging winds. "There's a spare cabin you can have for the voyage. Yer > welcome to it. Zorak: He won't go, he's too stupid to get out of the rain. Brak: I thought that's turkeys, not cows. Zorak: It's ANYBODY in this dumb story! > Supper's served in an hour in the galley." > Lokar: After which we shall engage in more trivial exposition to pass the time and fill space. > Dr. Minotaur mumbled his thanks and went below decks in the direction > indicated. He eventually came across a door that had 'SPARE CABIN' > emblazoned across it in big neon letters. > > "This must be it," said Dr. Minotaur unnecessarily. > Lokar: Showing more awareness of his environs than usual. > As it was a standard uninteresting cabin, we won't bother describing it. Brak: But I wanna know what it looks like! Zorak: [Chris and Larry] Shaddap. > However, there was a single colourful outfit in the closet which, by > amazing coincidence, fit our dear doctor. It was on odd costume, with a > long red cape, blue shirt and tights, and red shorts and boots. There was > also an odd insignia, strangely reminiscent of a red 'S', stitched on the > chest. > Zorak: [Dr. Minotaur] I don't know who was in this cabin before me, but if he comes back I'll gore him. > "How odd," remarked Minotaur as he donned the costume, and placed the coin > in a belt pouch. He quit the room to find supper. > Brak: But all he found was a room with a tiny little door and a table with some cookies on it that said "Eat me." Tansit: So he stood around and looked at the cookies, waiting for someone to walk up and explain what the next part of the story was. > However, when he got there (wherever), he nearly lost his lunch. Arranged > on a long dining table were bowls filled with a steaming green mush. > Brak: Mush!! [imitates a whip crack] > "What is it?!" asked Minotaur swallowing bile. > Zorak: Idiot, don't you recognize bile? It's kinda hard to forget the taste. > "Spinach! Cap'n Bumchin doesn't eat anything else," answered an ugly, > pencil thin woman beside him. > Tansit: Don't you just hate it when someone goes on a diet, and everyone else has to go in it too? > "Gnarly! It reminds me of a blob I once dreamt about." > Brak: Maybe ya oughtta lay off the chimichangas right before bedtime. > "Oh! You must mean Jennifer!" said the woman who then promptly left his > side in response to a fat man wearing a bowler hat and asking for money. > Tansit: [Fat Man] Well, this is ANOTHER fine story you've gotten us into. Brak: [Fat Man] I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a way off this ship today. > Dr. Minotaur didn't have much time to ponder that remark during the rest of > the voyage. As the storm worsened, he was much too concerned with retaining > meals. > Zorak: But the cook was surprised that he didn't have to make any more bile for the next day. There was more left over than he had cooked in the first place. Tansit & Brak: Uuuugh. > When the storm finally blew itself out, the Queen Baazel was a day's > sailing from the Carcrash Islands, to which they headed to replenish fresh > water and spinach supplies. > Tansit: [Hank Hill] Spinach and spinach accessories. > "Normally I wouldn't go near here," said Bumchin. "The legends warn of a > grave and terrible monster or two, lurking about these island chains." > Tansit: If they had volcanoes, would they be chain smoking islands? Ha ha ha! > "Oh," said Minotaur. > > They landed on the first of the Carcrash Islands...and nothing happened. > Lokar: What an unexpected turn of events. > They moved on to the next island...and nothing happened. (Although they did > find a wrecked ship with S.S MINNOW printed on it's side.) > Zorak: Wake me if they find any edible survivors. > However, when on the third of the islands, Dr. Minotaur strayed from the > spinach harvesting crew for a few minutes to answer the demands of nature. Brak: [Nature] You had better go to the bathroom right NOW, buddy! > While thus occupied a dreaded were-penguin suddenly loomed up in front of > him. It was an unusual and rare variant of the more common genus homo > spheniciformes. It was the 32 foot tall electric penguin (with long green > tentacles which shoot out and sting people). When injured, its blood would > spurt in a long arc in ultra slow motion. > Tansit: [Lar and Chris] Which we can't really show you, because this is a story and not a movie, but, wow, would it look really nifty if you could see it! > Minotaur stood transfixed. Just as he was about to wet himself, a > were-chicken burst out of the foliage and attacked the were-penguin. > Lokar: Were-chicken? Tansit: There chicken! There wolf. > "Hurry fool! This way!" cried an unfamiliar voice at Dr. Minotaur. > Zorak: What, is there a secret society of people who live to save schmucks like him from getting themselves killed?! Lokar: It's the same secret society which confounds our efforts at vanquishing Space Ghost. > Minotaur followed the voice and within a few minutes found himself in the > fabled City of Trids! He came to a halt in the centre of a courtyard. All > around him, he could see trids going about their daily chores. Most of them > were riding huge mutant squirrels and bunny rabbits. [Brak begins humming the Star Wars "Cantina Band" tune.] > A number of the trids > also appeared to be accountants. The trids themselves were about a metre > and a half tall with brown skin, pointed ears and antennae. Some of the > trids wore bow-ties. These, Dr. Minotaur would later learn, signified which > trids had the ability to metamorph into were-penguins. > Zorak: And which could turn into were-polar bears. > "Here is some broth," said a pretty female trid. Brak: [Dr. Minotaur] Yep. That sure is broth. > "It will help you recover > from your experiences. Lokar: Were I to imbibe from the very waters of the river Lethe, I could not cleanse this experience from my soul! > Drink quickly for I am to take you to see our > leader!" > Zorak: Chug! Chug! Chug! > Dr. Minotaur gulped down the broth and immediately felt its restorative > effects. He asked what it was made of. > Lokar: [Dr. Minotaur] No MSG, I trust. > "Oh, just a wooden quaalude derivative and frums meat," said the trid as > she led him through the city. > Tansit: Think he has a ring through his nose? Lokar: Metaphorically or literally? > Dr. Minotaur gagged a little, despite the fact that the stew was very > delicious. Brak: [Dr. Minotaur] Ugh, ack - I'm a vegetarian! > It was then that he noticed murals lining the walls of the > city's buildings. These murals depicted savage fights between trids and > frums as well as other regular events. > Zorak: Stomp, stomp, squish. Yeah, that makes for fascinating art. > "Our destination is that large mansion on the far side of the market." > > In the market, Dr. Minotaur noticed frums being sold as one would chickens. > Brak: [George Carlin] Blue food. Weird stuff, man. Blue food. > Minotaur was escorted into an ante-chamber where he waited until a pixie > with gold wings and a silver body told him to enter through a pair of large > golden doors. From the far end of the chamber he heard the same voice which > had called him earlier. > Brak: [singing] Minotaur! I think they got your number! I think they got the alias you been living under! I really don't remember, was it something that you said, Or the voices in your head calling "Minotaur!" > "I am Lar," said the trid in a booming bass voice. "Resident of the Trids." > Tansit: [Lar] Come to me if your hallmates make noise during quiet hours. > "Howdy," said Minotaur. > Tansit: [Minnie Pearl] How-DEE! > "And this is my consort," continued Lar as he gestured towards a beautiful > female trid sitting beside him. "Kryst, the Keeper of the Sacred Jennifer > Crystal." > Zorak: How much ya wanna bet this is another broad the writer knows? Tansit: Not me. That's a sucker bet. > Minotaur bowed slightly. > Zorak: Then he broke. > "We have contacted Captain Bumchin," spoke Kryst "and notified him that you > are with us. We have been aware of you for sometime. It isn't many who can > withstand a frums attack." > Zorak: [Lar] It isn't many who'd be stupid enough to get INTO one. > "Well, it was really nothing," responded a bashful Minotaur with a hint of > redness in his cheeks. > Lokar: Because it really was nothing but an extraordinary set of circumstances that allowed him to escape. > "Regardless of that," said Lar, while pulling the wings off of flies and > placing the helpless beasties in glasses of water. Zorak: [fly] No! No! I only want to live, and live is evil backwards - no, wait, that's not right - blub blub blub. > "You must prove your > masculinity. Normally that is done when you encounter the females of this > planet, but because of your ugliness you must face the trial of one of our > demi-goddesses." > > "Who's that?" > Zorak: Pyromania? Tansit: Kleptomania? Brak: Insomnia? > "Nymphomania, who else?" said Lar. > All: Oh. > In the next instant Dr. Minotaur found himself hurtling past giant bananas > and other assorted phallic symbols. (You know; trains in tunnels, waves > breaking against a lighthouse et cetera...) > > ...et cetera... > > ...et cetera... > > ...et cetera... > Lokar: How positively *tasteless.* Zorak: What in blazes was THAT all about? Brak: I dunno. Tansit: [softly] Oh... *goodness*. > "So much for that," said a mist shrouded nymph as she floated by Dr. > Minotaur. In another instant Minotaur was back in the tridian palace > looking very embarrassed about the masculine spotting on his shorts. Brak: My mother always told me to make sure I put on clean underwear in the morning in case I ever got into an accident and get killed and if people found out I didn't have clean underwear on, I'd be really embarrassed. > Lar > and Kryst were nowhere to be seen, and a sign propped up on the throne > pointed the way to a room where he could change into a clean and somewhat > less colourful suit. > Zorak: Huh? Was this guy fulla paint? > Somewhere a bird threw-up. > Lokar: Apparently that somewhere was here. > Later, back at the palace...Dr. Minotaur and Lar spoke together over a meal > with no spinach in it. > Brak: [Dr. Minotaur] Um, mmm, I love these collard greens. Pass the mayonnaise. > "You see, Dr. Minotaur, I need your help. We trids need to find Jennifer. Tansit: Watch out! Exposition incoming at twelve o'clock! > Our history says she is a Lesser-Hoo-Hoo goddess who cast a 'Silly Things' > over the woods and created us. Our struggles against the frums worsen and > we need her help. But we have heard that she has been bewitched by the evil > Dormorgul..." > Tansit: Are you getting all this? > "Who's Jennifer?" asked Minotaur. > > "Piss-head!" said Lar. "We leave at dawn." > Zorak: OK, so Jennifer's a piss-head. Who's Dawn, then? > A pixie then entered and led Dr. Minotaur to his dollars for the night > (inflation had made quarters dollars). He assumed that this pixie was the > 'Piss-head' to which Lar had referred. [The text scrolls off the screen.] Brak: Huh? Is that all? Zorak: SHADDAP! Isn't that ENOUGH?! [Space Ghost appears on the monitor.] All: Aaah! [Moltar's control room. Space Ghost is at the monitor, his hand on the lever. Moltar is standing around in the background, waiting for him to finish.] Ghost: Greetings, prisoners! Are you getting enough fiction? Ha ha ha ha! [The Green Room] Zorak: Oh, you're funny! You're funny like a root canal! Brak: [wincing] Oww. Ghost: Are you enjoying yourselves? Lokar: [airily] Pardon? I was not paying attention. [Space Ghost scowls at Lokar, then zaps the magazine out of his hands right through the screen. Lokar shrieks and jumps back.] Lokar: IMBECILE! I do not have a second copy of that issue! Ghost: You should have brought enough to share! Brak: Huh? Zorak: Like we'd WANNA read about how to crochet a stupid tea cozy?! [Space Ghost pauses, obviously trying to figure out some dramatic sounding reply. Failing that, he blasts the rest of the magazines into flaming confetti.] Ghost: Take that! Lokar: [furious] You- you- Ghost: [overdramatically] There's more than that where that came from! [points his power band at Lokar] Tansit: [leaning out of the way] Uh, I think he's trying to tell you to just watch the story. Brak: Yeah. If you don't, he'll blast you. Tansit: You know what he's like when he gets in a snit. Zorak: Aaaah, let him blast ya. Take it like a man. {Lokar, glaring at the screen, sits back down.] [Moltar's control room] Ghost: [to Moltar] Yep, got 'em right under my thumb. Moltar: [muttering] Yeah, whatever. [walks over to the controls and takes the lever] Tansit, report to the control room. Tansit: [in the monitor] I can't. We're locked in. Moltar: [to Space Ghost] You mind? It's an emergency. Ghost: Oh, sure. Just a minute. [invisos out] Zorak: [in the monitor] C'mon, dump the rest of the story! Erase it or something! Moltar: Sorry, man, I can't. Besides... it's really not that bad. I mean, think about some of the other stuff we've read. Zorak: What? You've been reading this junk too? Moltar: Well, yeah. Not much else to do between shows. Zorak: RRRRRRGH! Moltar: Anyway, here's the next bit. [He pulls the lever, and text appears on his screen.] next Back 1 > SIX > > The roc sped through the air, its vast wings sweeping like scythes. > Brak: [Death] SO THAT'S WHERE IT GOT TO. > "How odd," thought the bovinoid. "People really do look like ants from way > up in the sky. How odd ... I wonder what ants are." Zorak: Snacks. > He was still pondering > this when a tremendous war-cry rent the air. Brak: For twenty dollars a month. > The roc wheeled and spun > trying to avoid its attacker. > Lokar: Which was wasted effort, as wheels have little traction in the air. > "How odd," thought the bovinoid. "I wonder if this is what a broken neck > feels like." > Zorak: Here, let ME show you! > Suddenly a huge plume of flame struck the roc and its prisoner was snapped > back and forth by the monster bird's death throes before being finally > released. > Zorak: Don't stop! He still has a few bones you haven't broken! > "How odd," thought the bovinoid as he plummeted ten thousand feet towards > certain death. "I feel like a whale ... or at least a bowl of petunias." > Brak: [whale] What's that big round thing down there? Ground? Zorak: [petunias] Oh, no! Not again! > Fortunately, before the bovinoid could complete his fall, he was grabbed by > a trid who was astride a huge flying space-bunny. > Brak: Bucky O'Hare! Zorak: [Bucky] It's been crap work like this ever since my cartoon went down in flames. > "Oof!" said the bovinoid. > Brak: I used to have bovinoids. But when they took my tonsils out, they took out my bovinoids too. > "Thank Jennifer I found you!" exclaimed Lar. "Where the hell did you go! Brak: [Dr. Minotaur] Nice to see you too, buddy! > You were supposed to be right behind me, but when I turned around you had > already entered the Labyrinth of the Timelord! Explain yourself, you > pisshead!" > Brak: I don't think it's very nice of him calling Dr Minotaur that word all the time. Zorak: What word're you talking about? Brak: Uh... tinklehead. > "Thank you for catching me," said the bovinoid as he arranged himself in > front of Lar on the space bunny. > Lokar: Posing provocatively in all his bovine glory. > "Answer me, doctor!" demanded Lar. > > The bovinoid looked around absently and began to pick his ear. > Brak: [Dr. Minotaur] I'll take that one in the show case, if you have a left ear to match it. > Lar imperiously tapped the bovinoid on the shoulder and requested if he was > hard of hearing. > Zorak: Requested what if who was hard of hearing? Brak: Huh? Lokar: I believe we know who is hard of hearing. Brak: What? Zorak: Never mind. > "Not that I'm aware of," responded the bovinoid, totally missing the > sarcasm. He began to clean his other ear. > Zorak: It's Cow Bundy. > Lar irritably picked lint out of his navel. > > "I'm talking to you!" screamed Lar in the bovinoid's face. > Brak: No, you're mining for gold in your bellybutton. > "I was not aware of that fact," said the bovinoid. By this time he had > finished cleaning his ears and had amassed quite a lot of ear wax. He began > sculpting it. > Zorak: [Dr. Minotaur] I'll bet Al Bundy never thought of this. > Lar grabbed the bovinoid roughly and screamed "Dr. Minotaur, what is wrong > with you!!!" > Lokar: Narcolepsy. > "What did you call me?" queried the bovinoid as he continued the sculpture. > > "Dr. Minotaur," said Lar taken somewhat aback. "It's your name." > > "It is? How odd," said the bovinoid. > > "Don't you know who you are?" asked Lar. > > "Do any of us really know who we are?" > Zorak: [snapping his fingers] Cool, Way out. > After Lar finished beating the bovinoid about the head and shoulders for > his metaphysical statement he turned his thoughts to the bovinoid's > apparent amnesia. > Lokar: One sharp blow causes amnesia, and another cures it. Decisions, decisions. > "Hmmmmmmmmmmmm," thought Lar. > > The bovinoid held up his ear wax sculpture to be admired. It was of a > rather obscene nature, depicting the copulation of a hairy faced pig with a > deceased bunny. > Zorak: [singing] Meet the Feebles, meet the Feebles, they're not your average ordinary people. > As Lar brought the space bunny in for a landing, a small green dragon > whizzed by the bovinoid's ear to land on Lar's shoulder. > > "Hiya Snorf!" said Lar to the dragon. "Have a good hunt?" > Brak: [singing] Snorf the Magic Dragon lived in Honoli... > The dragon hummed and snorfed contentedly, then cocked a querying eye > towards the bovinoid. > > "How odd," thought the bovinoid. > Zorak: Someone kick the cow. His needle's stuck. > And Alistair was still in the bathroom. > Lokar: does my imagination decieve me, or are this adventure's red herrings beginning to outnumber the plot elements? > Trid attendants came to tend Lar's mount as he took the bovinoid to see the > camp's physician. Following the evening meal, Kryst rose to speak the great > assembly of trids present, while the bovinoid began another sculpture made > from tridian navel lint. Brak: Why don't they just go buy him some Play-Doh or papier-mache or something? Zorak: They better stop before he goes any further south, if ya know what I mean. [all shudder] > Lar silently sat beside Kryst. > Zorak: [Lar, to Kryst] I can't BELIEVE you let him take your bellybutton lint. > "We have a serious problem," said Kryst. "Dr. Minotaur, through > circumstances we are unable to discover, has lost his memory. Although this > poses a severe threat to our search for Jennifer Lokar: How, exactly? > we must continue our > journey. The Timelord told us to seek the Surfs, and so we shall, on the > morrow. And our good Dr. Minotaur will accompany us anyway. Won't you > doctor?" > Zorak: Say no! Brak: Or hold out for some modeling clay! > The bovinoid continued sculpting. > Lokar: Ah, the artist is at one with his creation. > Lar hissed. > Brak: Somebody get a tire patch. > "Now calm down, dear," urged Kryst. > > "Why don't you ever pay attention?" bellowed Lar in the bovinoid's face > before stalking off. > Zorak: [Dr. Minotaur] Huh? > "I do wish he'd stop shouting in my face," thought the bovinoid. > Lokar: Or at least have a mint. > For forty-two days and nights the trids and the bovinoid travelled in > search of the Surfs, towards distant coasts mentioned by the Timelord. On > the forty second day, as they stepped out onto the beach, they found them. > Lokar: Them? Zorak: Them! Brak: AAAHHH! Giant ants all over the place! > "Like...hi!" said Daddy-O Surf to Lar. > > "Howdy," said Lar formally. > Lokar: How does one say "Howdy" formally? Brak: Ya curtsey. > Lar gazed intently at the Surfs. They were rumoured to be related to the > frums and, indeed, some physical resemblances were noticeable. The Surfs > appeared to be a cross between a Californian beach bum and a frum. > Zorak: Arrrgh. It's bad enough that he stuck Smurfs in this story once, but now he's doing it *again*! Who does he think he is, Davey-kins? Brak: Nah. Then it'd be two Lars, and the whole story'd be about 'em. > "Like, you've come at a real weird time y'know," drawled Daddy-O Surf to > Lar. "Like, tonight's the festival of Leo, our god. Brak: Leonardo DiCaprio? > Artsie Surf was going > to do a full nude painting of Surfette, but Clumsy Surf went and got her > pregnant." > Brak: That wouldn't have hindered Rodin, who did not restrict himself to the ideal form of the female body. Lokar: [startled] For example, his statues of "La Belle Heaulmiere" and "Fallen Caryatid." Brak: Yup. Why he'd wanna make a statue out of someone's granny in her skivvies, though, I'll never know. > "But I thought the Surfs were homosexual," remarked Lar. > Brak: Then how d'ya get little surfs? Zorak: Split the big ones in two. > "Well,...like, we were for the most part, but y'know ... uh... like, we > sorta turned 'bi' when Surfette showed up." > [Lokar rolls his eyes upward, as if pleading to the heavens for rescue.] > Suddenly Thespian Surf made a dramatic entrance. > Zorak: I thought they were gay, not thespians. Brak: They're happy actors. [Lokar's silent prayers become more urgent.] > "Oh! Daddy-O Surf! All is well! (dramatic sigh of relief) Surfette isn't > pregnant after all! Zorak: Thanks to Doctor Surf. > (move upstage to apron) The orgy for tonight is still > on! (expansive gesture - turn to look at Daddy-O) Kinky Surf has it all > arranged!" > Brak: I bet Peyo's turnin' over in his grave right 'bout now. > Thespian Surf made a dramatic exit ... stage left. > Brak: [Snagglepuss] Exit stage left, runnin' all the way! > "Oooo WOW!" said Daddy-O Surf. "Like, do you cats wanna join us tonight?" > Zorak: Cats plus surfs equals well-fed cats. > "Not really," said Lar, suppressing bile. Brak: Look, if ya don't go for short women, just say so. > "We were kind of hoping you could > direct us to the Valley of Death." > Lokar: Oddly enough, so was I. > "I dunno man. Ask Surfette." > > Slightly confused, Lar watched as Daddy-O Surf went off to join some > skinny-dippers. Zorak: Naked Smurfs. Man, am I glad there ain't no pictures to this. > Sighing to himself, Lar began to seek out Surfette, > wondering why she would know about the Valley of Death. > Zorak: She's also known as Black Widow Surf. Give ya a hint? > In the meantime, the words 'Valley of Death' had worked its way into the > bovinoid's subconscious mind and began to tickle a memory into existence. > However, as Cretans are notoriously non-ticklish, the memory faded and the > bovinoid completed a lint sculpture. > Lokar: I begin to understand where the world's toothpick packers and paperclip sorters come from. > At that moment, Lar had found Surfette, and had stopped wondering why she > would know about valleys. > Brak: 'Cause the super Bowl was on. > "Ooo, like grody to the max! Like, why would you ever want to go to that > friggin' place? I mean, gag me with a tractor! Y'know? Like, make me skip a > meal! Fer shure!! I mean ... like gross me back to the stone-age! Totally!" > babbled Surfette. > Lokar: A pity they have no universal translator. Now they will never know the answer. > It took awhile, but eventually Lar got the information he wanted. Zorak: A while, and a couple of big, heavy rocks. > That > night, as the trids set sail from the scores of Surfs and their odd > mushroom and cannibis shaped bungalows, Lar exclaimed to Snorf: "Blark nyeh > frhazz nack. Gurgle whax berk derven ock Surfs enten pigs." > Brak: Oh, I know what to do! Get behind him and make a fist and grab your hand and push UP until the chicken bone goes flyin' across the restaurant! > Snorf could only nod agreement in the face of such impeccable logic. Lokar: And back away slowly. [The text scrolls off the screen. Camera closes in on the monitor, which fades into a different screen. Camera pulls back, revealing that the screen is in Moltar's control room. Bits of debris from the fake commercial - some gravel here, a puddle there - are visible on the floor. Tansit and Moltar are watching the sufferings of the others on the monitor.] Moltar: They're still readin'. Think they'll make it to the end? Tansit: I dunno. This story's pretty long. Moltar: So, what's the deal with this? All I know is space Ghost told me to feed the whole thing through. Tansit: It's supposed to be punishment. Moltar: Oh. Figgers. Well, here goes the next chunk. [Moltar throws the lever, and the next part starts scrolling on the screen.] next Back 1 > EIGHT > > The trids had come ashore on the northern edge of the southern continent > between the Merlock Mountains and Garkle. Tansit: I'm guessing Jennifer cast a "silly things" on the names of these places. > Lar realized that if they were to > cross the vast expanse of desert (via the Valley of Death) and still be > ready to battle any attacks of the frums, Moltar: They'd need some thick stompin' boots. > he must again enlist the help of > the migrating space-bunnies. Tansit: Migrating... Moltar: Space bunnies. Both: Riiiight. Tansit: Is it too late to go back to the song? > His chanting enabled him to switch mental > "gears" [Moltar makes gear-grinding noises as he jerks the lever on his control panel back and forth.] > and attain the necessary raised consciousness needed to contact the > flock. Tansit: Of space bunnies. Moltar: I get the feeling that's not incense we're smelling. > He had finished his second rendition of "Kinko the Clown" and was > just starting "Dead Puppies", Tansit: What? What about "Fish Heads" or "I'm Looking Over My Dead Dog Rover"? Those are *classics*! > when he felt his mind float free and his > antennae tingle as his request to the space-bunnies leapt spaceward in a > brief tachyon emission. Tansit: Space bunnies fart tachyons? Moltar: You've been around Brak too much. > Lar didn't know where the bunnies would be, or even > if they would answer his call (since he had called upon their services only > a few weeks before). Tansit: The space bunnies are either on the other line or migrating. Please leave a detailed message at the sound of the tone. > He could only hope that they would recognize that the > trids were also creatures of Jennifer, and were in need. > Moltar: Migrating. Space. Bunnies. > The next day the trids broke camp Tansit: You broke it, you pay for it. > and began their journey through the > valley and the desert beyond it. The space-bunnies, if they answered Lar's > request, would home in on them. The first days spent in the valley passed > without incident except for a few ghosts seen hovering about the infinity > of crypts carved into the steep walls. > Moltar: In other words, your typical "valley of Death" scene. > On the fifth day into the desert advance scouts reported a large dust-cloud > on the horizon. By noon of the sixth day it was apparent that the cloud was > a few regiments of frums coming to attack the column. Tansit: I remember when Frums used to roam free on the prairies. The land would be blue from horizon to horizon. > The trids were > unconcerned. After all, they could easily repel any frum attack. Moltar: They had their Frum repellant spray. > But there > was something disturbing about the frums' formation in Lar's mind. The > scouts had reported that the frums appeared to have brought some sort of > siege machines. Moltar: Actually, they were mousetraps loaded with gravel. Tansit: It's the thought that counts. > Lar knew frums were dumb, but even they weren't stupid > enough to bring siege machines into an open desert where there were no > battlements. Tansit: Isn't it the battlement that they're bringing the siege machines for? > This puzzled Lar so much that he spent hours straining his > eyes and mind over the possibilities of what the frums could be dragging > out into the desert. Tansit: [falsetto] Today, Azrael! Tomorrow, Gargamel! > As the sun sank slowly behind the horizon, Lar caught > a flash of purple from the frums' "siege machines" and the sudden > realization of what the frums were bringing against them struck him! > Tansit: CYBORG migrating space bunnies! > "Ohmigawd!" he exclaimed, "It's -- Tansit: Monty Python's Flying Circus! [Moltar throws a lever. The Liberty Bell March begins to play.] > OLGA!" > Tansit: da Polga! > (Dramatic Pause) > > The next day was overcast Moltar: That was one *long* dramatic pause. > and the trids were frantically preparing for > battle against the Olga. Tansit: They had that whole pause to prepare, and STILL they wait until the last minute. > They had heard only dim legends about her, but > reality was far worse. The Olga was about sixteen metres high and was a > lumpy featureless purple and black creature with a gaping maw in front. Tansit: She looked like a refugee from a carpet remnant table and ate people by having them crawl into her mouth. > From that maw she emitted a constant stream of high pitched chattering > which was totally at odds with her swollen bulk. Tansit: [Olga] Oh, I can't TELL you how many diets I've tried, and they just never seem to work! I've even been on two or three at a time! There's the Birmingham Hospital diet, the water diet - I lost five pounds and gained three gallons, ha ha ha! I went in and out with the tides! - > The frums swarmed around > the Olga, prodding it and driving it towards the trid encampment. Moltar: [Olga] Oh, just keep it up, you tasty-looking little creeps. > According > to legend, it was impossible to destroy the Olga for she was an immortal > being created by the evil sorcerer Dormorgul. Moltar: The same Dormorgul who's stuck with a bunny tail. Tansit: A migtaring space bunny tail? Moltar: Shuttup. > However, her mystic birth was > distrupted by a Silly Things from Jennifer, and she nearly ate the northern > continent before a solution was found. Tansit: She had her stomach stapled. > Dormorgul had made the Olga to be a > notoriously love struck beast (for reasons of his own), Moltar: [Dormorgul] Ya don't wanna know. > so the evil wizard > then created a specific male animal to attract the monster and then scorn > it (as if anything could possibly withstand copulation with her). Tansit: Uh oh. Moltar: What? Tansit: I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that Dr. Minotaur is going to figure into this in the worst possible way. Moltar: Oh, crud. I hope not. > The > creature, known as the Two-Stroke Wu, Tansit: Was feared by every golfer in China. > by distracting her from eating > everything in her path, would forevermore be the object of her ire and > desire. Moltar: In other words, your traditional love-hate relationship. Tansit: "Two-Stroke Wu"? Was he a golfer? > Unfortunately for Lar and the trids, the Wu, a hairless and long > legged creature, had become extinct centuries earlier. > Tansit: And by now the Olga was in a REALLY crummy mood about it. > Lar hoped his trids could withstand the assault. He stood on the crest of a > hill and looked down at the Olga and the frums. Within minutes they would > clash with the trids. Lar turned to his forces amassed on the opposite side > of the hill. > Moltar: [Lar] What can I say, boys? Run like hell! > "Trids, today we face our greatest battle yet! You've all been briefed on > the Olga. Just try to stay out of its way. Accountants," and Lar turned to > a group of particularly dull-looking trids. Moltar: [Lar] You just stand there as bait. We'll distract her before she can eat you. Really. > "We're counting on your spells > to tip the odds in our favour. Tansit: They're counting on Accountants in a WAR? Moltar: *You* ever been audited by the IRS? > Those of you who can, transmute to > were-penguin form. Tansit: Were-penguins? Moltar: Space bunnies. Tansit: You got a point. > May Jennifer support us in our time of need. Forward > now!" With that the trids sped into battle. In mid-stride, some of the > trids, including Lar, would seem to glow and become indistinguishable from > some inner source of light. Tansit: Kinda like those little ceramic houses on Lokar's mantelpiece. > When the light faded these trids had become > were-penguins. Lar was undoubtedly the largest were-penguin, and was easily > spotted by the massive amount of hair growing from the back of his neck. > Moltar: Which later got him a career in a Coney Island side show. > The battle raged for many hours, with heavy casualties on both sides. Tansit: Wait a minute! I thought Ratliff wrote *Star Trek* stories. > Most > of the tridian casualties were caused by the Olga either crushing her > opponents under her bulk, or chomping on them. In the centre of it all, > thigh deep in dead frums, blood caked on his feathers, and wielding a side > of beef, stood Lar. Moltar: I told you Dr. Minotaur would be useful sooner or later. > Kryst stood high upon the hill holding up the sparkling > Jennifer crystal as an inspiration to the trids. Tansit: And she replaced the shard, and the Dark Crystal was whole again! > The accountant trids stood > just below her, casting "Silly Things" in an effort to affect the Olga in > some way. Tansit: [Accountants] Company! Arm flingerball launchers! Fire! > However, the great purple beast proved impervious to all of the > accountants' attempts. Suddenly, a ray of light broke through the clouds > and from that rent swarmed down the space-bunnies! [Both Moltar and Tansit begin humming "The Ride of The Valkeries".] > Immediately they > attacked the Olga, rending her fat with tooth and strawberry jam. Moltar: And now her evil will only endanger their arteries. > The trids > fought with renewed vigour, but even this was not enough to defeat the > Olga. Tansit: Maybe they ought to drive a steak through her heart! Ha ha ha! A *steak*, 'cause he had a side of beef and all. > Lar, sensing defeat, gave a great cry, and cast a 'Silly Things' with > all of his strength. For a moment, nothing happened but then tiny dots of > light began appearing in the sky. > Tansit: [Lar] It's my "summon night" spell. Sometimes it can take a whole day to work. Hold on. > "Shit!" said Lar. "We're burned now!" > Moltar: Calm down. Even if the nearest star goes nova, you got years before radiation sterilizes the planet. > However, as he watched, more lights appeared until there hung a giant neon > arrow pointing seaward with the words 'Two-Stroke went thataway!' flashing > on it. > Moltar: Some people get Spuds MacKenzie or Joe Camel, and some people... > The Olga shrugged off her attackers and turned her eyeless bulk towards the > arrow. Tansit: [Olga] Hey, can someone help me here? I can't read this thing without eyeballs! > Then, giving a shriek that would shatter diamond, the beast raced > off in the direction indicated by the arrow with a speed belied by her > great mass. Moltar: [Heidi Hippo] BLE-E-E-E-ETCH! > The few remaining frums were quickly dispatched and giant > roasting pits dug in preparation for the victory feast. Tansit: [Lar] Huh! Those little guys weren't so hard to kill after all. Now what was I worried about? > With such a large > quantity of fresh meat, the trids would not have to worry about their > supplies running out. > Moltar: The only trouble is, they're so small, it's not worth the trouble to cook and clean 'em. It'd be like roasting mice. > During all this Minotaur had sat to one side of the accountants, carefully > guarded by a hovering Snorf. Tansit: [Snorf] Crud! Why do I get stuck with this belly-button-picking cow-brain? > His thoughts, however, were not on the battle Moltar: Or anywhere else, for that matter. > but on the memories he felt stirring just beneath his consciousness. The > Educated Mouse was also there, daintily eating a frum Snorf had roasted. Moltar: [Educated Mouse] Anyone got any A-1 Steak Sauce? Or some cheese dip? > Suddenly Snorf snorfed in alarm. He whirled in mid-air and then froze as a > small round creature with big feet stepped up to Dr. Minotaur and said; "Hi > doc! Remember me?" in a voice containing threatening undertones. > Tansit: [Dr. Minotaur] Sorry, I don't. I've lost my memory, or so everyone keeps telling me, and then dragging me to the ends of the earth where some idiot that likes to use raw meat as a battle club calls me names- > Somewhere, Naomi felt the first vague stirrings of alarm. > Moltar: Somewhere, a bird threw up. > Dr. Minotaur's eyes widened as his mind connected this creature with rocks. Tansit: Using epoxy. > However, he could not remember quite where he had encountered the creature > before. > Tansit: Except for that one dream, and he tries not to think too much about that. > "I sense something is wrong with your mind good doctor. I shall therefore > reintroduce myself. I am a spot; part of a collective consciousness of > spots in this desert. Tansit: I am Spot of the Borg. You will be assimilated into the Dalmatian collective. > We call ourselves Chris. You have much to answer for, > and I am to bring you before the Big Toe ... the great ruler of the spots." > Moltar: Lemme guess. Jennifer's been by here, right? Tansit: Things just don't get much sillier than this. > The spot then footed (because he had no hands) Minotaur a bite-plate. "Lick > this retainer!" he commanded, and Dr. Minotaur did so. > Moltar: [Chris] This is great. He'll do anything we tell him. Hey, Dr. Minotaur, lick that cactus over there. Tansit: [Dr. Minotaur] Okay. [pause] YEOOOW! > Snorf had raced to find Lar at the first sight of the spot. Having never > encountered a spot before, Snorf could sense only that it was not of > Jennifer. Tansit: So, spots are non-subsets of Jennifer. Are Frums subsets of spots? No, wait, Frums and Surfs are both subsets of Smurfs. > Lar raced back to where Minotaur was, and saw the Educated Mouse > leap to the doctor's fore-arm and wrap both tails tightly about his wrist > as he licked a small reddish object. Tansit: Poker chips. Them's good eatin'. > All of a sudden there was a blinding > flash of light, and Dr. Minotaur, the spot, and the Educated Mouse were > gone. > Tansit: Huh! I wonder what was on that thing. Moltar: Besides spot spit? > "Shit!" said Lar, "The pisshead has gone and done it again." > Tansit: Ugh. Moltar: What? Tansit: Just ugh. > "Someone call?" asked a pixie. > > "Oh, shut up!" growled Lar. > Both: Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaah. > At that moment Minotaur was in an intra-spatial warp of such incredible > beauty that it could never possibly be depicted in a low-budget story like > this ... so he conveniently ignored it. > [pause] Moltar: Well... that's original. Gotta give him that. > Abruptly, Dr. Minotaur was out of the warp and stood before a massive > edifice carved into the Merlock Mountains in the shape of a spot with two > massive doors where its mouth should have been. Soundlessly, the doors > swung open and a spot (Minotaur wasn't sure if it was the same one that > gave him the bite-plate) took him by the foot and led him into the edifice. Tansit: With what? Spots don't have hands. > Minotaur gazed in awe as he was led past murals depicting symbolic scenes > of extremely complex mathematical and scientific relationships. > Moltar: Is THAT how they're describing that temple in India now? > "Amazing," said Dr. Minotaur. "Simply amazing! These pictures evoke such > feelings of similarities within me. It's like I've seen them before - but > the stuff shown here is only hinted at in contemporary scientific > theories!" > Moltar: Two words. Kama. Sutra. Tansit: What's that? Moltar: Tansit, if you don't know, you'll never need to. > "It's okay for beginners, I guess," said the Mouse. > > The spot stopped and gestured for Minotaur to enter a doorway. The doctor > did so, and came face to 'face' with a ten metre tall big toe. > Tansit: [Dr. Minotaur] Ahhhh!! Moltar: [Big Toe] Ahhhh!! Tansit: And they both ran away in opposite directions. > "At last!" said the toe menacingly. > Tansit: What do you call it when a bunch of 'em sing? Moltar: What? Tansit: A toe jam. Ha ha ha ha! > Meanwhile, back at the desert, Lar was preparing to set out with Snorf to > find Dr. Minotaur. > Tansit: [Lar] C'mon, Snorf! Find the Minotaur! Here, get the scent from this sock! > "I won't be too long," said Lar to his troops. "A space-bunny will carry me > to Atro, City of the Spots. Snorf will guide us." > Moltar: [Snorf] And on your left you will see the famous Spot Citadel, which was built over six thousand years ago with no mortar. > "But how?!" cried a rather obnoxious trid, (rumoured to be part piggoid on > his father's side) "You said Snorf doesn't know about spots!" > Moltar: Hey hey hey. We'll do the nitpicking around here. > "But he does know about intra-spatial warps," said Lar. "And I myself know > the general location of Atro City." > > "How?" sneered the piggish trid. > Moltar: Shaddap, don't slow the story down any more than it already is. > "When one is a Fringe Lord, one picks up these things," replied Lar. > Moltar: [Lar] So shaddap, flunky, or you might end up as my next battle club. > "Remind me to skewer him when I get back, " continued Lar in an undertone > to an aide. > Tansit: Will do. > With that, Lar sprang to a space-bunny's back and went aloft. Tansit: [General Woundwort] DOGS AREN'T DANGEROUS! > What Lar > hadn't told his troops was that when he had attained Fringeship, Moltar: Uh oh. Plot contrivance at 12 o'clock. > and the > Glorious Leader of the Fringe (the first and mightiest Fringe Lord) had > contacted Lar, and designated him a dimension of his own, Moltar: Incoming! > he had learned > that the Glorious Leader was, in fact, the Largest Spot of Chris the Spot. Moltar: Take cover! > He had also given Lar a standing invite to pop up to Atro sometime for a > weekend. > Moltar: BLAM! We have impact. > In Atro City, Dr. Minotaur was trying very hard to prevent a violent bowel > movement, Moltar: Don't fight it. Go with the flow, man. Tansit: Ugh! Moltar: There are some things that just have to be said. > while the Educated Mouse was taking notes on a desk computer he > had found in a side pocket of Minotaur's. > > "So...you're the infamous Dr. Minotaur," said the multi-voiced Big Toe. Tansit: Multi voiced? Moltar: Space bunnies. > "Do > you know what happens to people who squash spots indiscriminately? Do you > know the average height a ball bounces when one throws it against a > mattress?" > Moltar: [Dr. Minotaur] You can't get nothing out of me, copper! > "I do!" said the Educated Mouse. > Tansit: I now pronounce you bull and mouse. > "Shut up," said the Toe. "I didn't ask you." > > Minotaur stared blankly at the Big Toe and said "Glork." > Tansit: Is that a relative of Snorfs or Frums? > "What's got into him?" the Big Toe asked of the Educated Mouse. > Moltar: About a bushel of broccoli. You don't wanna hang around. > The Educated Mouse related what he could of Dr. Minotaur's plight. > Tansit: Wait a minute. Wasn't it the Utaalk's plight? > "Well shit," said the Toe. "What's the good of trying him for squashing > spots when he doesn't even know what I'm talking about." > Moltar: Eh. Go for an eye for an eye and then call it a day. > "Blark," said the almost catatonic Dr. Minotaur. > Tansit: Oh, I get it, he's going for the insanity defense. > Just then, a commotion arose outside the building. Minotaur came out of his > state in time to see the doorway melt under Snorf's flame. In charged Lar > in his were-penguin form. > Moltar: Hay! Confurence is in the NEXT hotel. > "Lar!" yelled the Big Toe. "I'd recognize that hairy neck anywhere!" > Tansit: The hairy-necked were-penguin vigorously defends its territory... > The nail of the Toe then swung down revealing a cluttered and very messy > room from which sprang the Largest Chris the Spot. > Tansit: Who led us to the next Monty Python skit. > "What's with the fake toe?" asked Lar as he reverted to normal form. > Tansit: If I put it in a box with a little fake blood, I can gross everyone out with it! > "Oh, that's just for tourists. I run it since I'm the Largest Spot. What > brings you here?" > Moltar: [Lar] The weirdest plot in history. > "Well, you kind of kidnapped Dr. Minotaur there." > > "Oh, him! Well, we didn't realize that would cause any problems. We did > wait until you finished fighting the frums. That was a great "Silly Things" > you cast." > Tansit: [Chris] So, no hard feelings, huh? > "Hey! What about me?" snapped Dr. Minotaur. "I'm the one who lost his > memory! I'm the one who had to reach the Valley of Death! I'm the one the > damn story is about! I'm the one ..." > Tansit: Singular sensation! > "Oh shut up!" said the Educated Mouse. "You're ruining the illusion." > Moltar: And Dr. Minotaur rebounds off the fourth wall. > An unusually large turtle found a new hiding place, deep in the central > swamp of the land of Zrrk. Tansit: And had some beau-oo-oo-tiful soup. [Close in on Moltar's screen. As we hear the sound of Space Ghost invisoing in, the image fades into the Green Room monitor. The words scroll off, and the screen becomes staticky.] Zorak: Hey! I was hoping that cow would get roasted during that battle! Lokar: I'm sure. I was hoping for a similar occurrence, but I'm sure for a quite different reason. Wherefore I was hoping that it would signal the demise of this painfully written epic, you were probably cogitating with your digestive organs. Zorak: Uh, yeah. I'm hungry and some roast beef would really hit the spot! Brak: HAHAH! You made a funny! Hit the Spot! Zorak: It could be a game! Like Whack-a-Mole! We could use Lokar's croquet mallets! Lokar: Should you touch my antique croquet mallets, you'll find yourself *sleeping standing up for a week!* Zorak: Ooooh, I'm scared! He's gonna slap me! Brak: Uh, guys... Zorak: [ignoring Brak] So you think you can take me, do you, Lokar? Let's see how well you walk the walk! Lokar: [slyly] Have I mentioned that I am in possession of photographic evidence of who put the dent in the Phantom Cruiser last week? You know, the one that scratched the [leans forward] *brand new* paint job of which Space Ghost is inordinately proud? Hmmm...? Zorak: [pauses, beak open, then sits down] Uh... Never mind. [several seconds of silence] Brak: Hey, guys, what do you say to a sing-along? Zorak: I say NO. Brak: Any time is the perfect time for a song! [Space Ghost, holding Tansit and Moltar by the wrists, invisos in.] Tansit: That tingles! Moltar: Hey! I didn't know you could inviso other people! Ghost: There are many things you wouldn't think I can do. Lokar: [muttering] Such as masticate and ambulate simultaneously. Ghost: Well, kids, we're almost to the halfway mark on this story. Whaddaya think so far? Zorak: I think I want your head on a pole. Brak: You always think that. Zorak: So? Lokar: You are utterly predictable. Zorak: And you're gonna be lunch! Lokar: Exactly as I said: predictable. Brak: Let's order a pizza. [As the others rhubarb, the camera closes in on Space Ghost.] Ghost: [V.O., thinking] They're beginning to crack. This story might actually break this spirits. [speaking normally] Allrighty! All: What?! Ghost: Oh, did I say that out loud? Ahem. Say! You know what would be fun? Lokar: [exaggeratedly imitating Zorak] Some wanton act of mayhem. [Zorak hisses at Lokar.] Ghost: You two bugs settle down or I'll stick you in Black Widow's webs! Zorak: So what? Lokar: Your threats bear no terror to our hearts. Ghost: *Together.* [Lokar and Zorak look at each other, then clamp their beaks shut.] Ghost: AHEM, as I was SAYING - why don't we try one of those round robin stories ourselves? Moltar: You're kidding. Brak: I wanna play! Ghost: Looks like the ayes have it. Zorak: Since WHEN? [Space Ghost raises his power bands, ready to blast Zorak.] Zorak: Ohhhh. Since THEN. Gotcha. Ghost: Lokar, you start. We'll go clockwise from you. Lokar: I choose to remain a conscientious objector. [Space Ghost shifts his aim from Zorak to Lokar.] Lokar: Oh, VERY well. [clears his throat and begins in a melodramatic tone] "It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness." Brak: Oh, I know this one. "Suddenly, a shot rang out! A door slammed. The maid screamed. Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon! While millions of people were starving, the king lived in luxury." Zorak: "A horde of invaders were poised, ready to swoop down on the unsuspecting dirtball and enslave its inhabitants!" Ghost: "But that invasion was to fail, for a certain cosmic hero knew of their plans and would foil them as soon as they made a move." [Space Ghost look at Moltar, who is next in line.] Moltar: [After a pause] Whatever. Ghost: Moltar, that's not how you're supposed to tell a story. Moltar: All right, all right. "Moltar said, 'Whatever.'" There. Tansit: Is it me now? Uh - oh, darn, I can't think of anything off the top of my head. Lokar: Not all would consider that a hindrance. Tansit: Oh, give me a minute! Um... "The end?" Brak: Nooo! Not "The End!" We just started! [dramatically] "But the huge space monsters had a backup plan and captured the hero with, um, force shield rays!" Zorak: Now you're talkin'! "With the hero captured, the horde of invaders swooped down on the unsuspecting dirtball and enslaved its inhabitants!" Tansit: Ooo! Ooo! I've got something! "And from there, they were able to spread throughout the galaxy and wreak havoc without stop!" Zorak: "And they ate Frums for breakfast, Surfs for lunch, and Trids for dinner!" Brak: Ewwwww... I don't like *that*... [looks at Lokar] Your turn. Lokar: "Fin d'histoire." [Space Ghost looks around the group] Ghost: I suppose that's about as good as it gets from you guys. Zorak: Yyyep. Ghost: Oh, forget it. You guys can go back to reading the story. [Space Ghost invisos out.] [Everyone looks at each other, saying nothing. No sound is audible except the crackling of the static on the monitor screen. After thirty seconds Space Ghost invisos in again.] Ghost: How do you work the thing again? Moltar: You pull the lever. Ghost: Right, right. [Space Ghost invisos out again. After a bit, the monitor flickers past a few unidentifiable satellite feeds and disreputable-looking web pages before the text of the next chapter appears.] next Back 1 > NINE > > The great raven slowly flapped its wings as it circled the tall spires of > Garkle. In the distance its sharp eyesight could make out the warped form > of Dr. Minotaur and two specks whirling about him. Zorak: Specks? Brak: Baby spots. > A great shout of triumph > reached the raven's ears - Lokar: Ah, the rare Eared Raven. Brak: I hear they're scarce as hen's teeth. > the trids had defeated the Olga. The frums below > rapidly flashed a message. Tansit: The Frums which hadn't been eaten, that is. > He absorbed it all and sped northward in front > of a strong wind. > Brak: Hey, how'd we get to this bird thing, anyway? Zorak: I think someone put the wrong reel on. > Meanwhile, back in Atro City, things were starting to pile up. Moltar: Laundry, dishes, leaves in the yard... > After > chasing away a vile, camera-toting band of Zrrkian tourists, Lar and Chris > the Spot sat down to discuss the trids' search for Jennifer and to > contemplate life in general. Tansit: [Lar] You ever think about life? Brak: [Chris] Yeah, Lar. Like how the sunsets get prettier? Tansit: [Lar] Or how ice cream tastes good even when it's cold outside? Brak: [Chris] Or how bowling shoes feel so good when they're already warm? > Dr. Minotaur, peeved by the total lack of > attention towards himself, Zorak: Started trolling RATMM. > stalked off into a nearby tunnel and wandered > aimlessly through the black depths beneath the Merlock Mountains. [Lokar begins humming "The Hall of The Mountain King".] > The > Educated Mouse fluttered after the rapidly disappearing doctor, while Snorf > snorfed and spat out a small bone. Moltar: [Snorf] Ack! That was one of my vertebrae! > Out in the desert, a sand devil gathered > itself together, battered the main gates of Atro City and cleanly stripped > and blasted the bones of the dead frums. > Tansit: Well... that's one way to clean the streets. > Time passed. > Lokar: Never quickly enough. > A wizened old man left his well stocked cave to gaze down at the steep > mountain path that was far beneath his lofty refuge. He saw nothing but a > tired, struggling Minotaur stumble and fall into the valley below. The old > man returned to his cave and inverted his hourglass. > Tansit: [Death] THAT WON'T FOOL ME, YOU KNOW. > Time continued to slip into the future. > Brak: [singing] Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future... > The Time Mist rolled in and Roman soldiers battered down the walls of > Carthage. Slightly surprised at finding themselves in the Merlock > Mountains, Lokar: But ONLY slightly. > they let the injured Minotaur pass unimpeded. Tansit: [Roman soldier] Hey, shouldn't we fight that monster? Lokar: [Roman soldier] No, you ninny, he originates in *Greek* mythology, not Roman. Tansit: [Roman soldier] Oh, not our jurisdiction. Gotcha. > The Time Mist > vapourized, leaving a Roman legion in an extreme state of confusion. > Brak: Me too. > Even more time passed. > Tansit: Time should stop drinking prune juice. > A moderately intelligent gopher silently watched the groaning Minotaur > crawl past. The rodent leapt at the prone figure, savagely bit him, and > quickly dashed back into its burrow. Zorak: [gopher] Easiest steak sandwich I ever got. > The good doctor moaned and continued > onward. The Educated Mouse pumped hydrogen sulphide gas into the gopher's > burrow. > Brak: If only they'd listened to Fiver when they had the chance! Oh, the humanity! > Time stripped its gears. > Moltar: O-o-o-o-oh, baby, yeah, nice and slow... > Somewhere a gopher died. > Lokar: 'Somewhere' being its burrow. > Dr. Minotaur finally collapsed in a heap in front of the entrance to a vast > cavern. The Educated Mouse prodded at the doctor's body with his tails. > Tansit: Sonic? Sonic? > "Wakey, wakey, Dr. Minotaur," whispered the Mouse in a mocking tone. > Zorak: If I was Dr. Minotaur, I'd be flossing mouse fur outta my teeth. > The good doctor moaned and turned over onto his back. > Brak: [Minotaur] I feel drunk. Tansit: Being drunk's not so bad. Brak: Tell that to a glass of water. > "What do you want, small brown one?" > Lokar: No, I in fact do NOT want a small brown one. > "Do you know where we are?!!" cried an excited Mouse. > > "Who cares." > Lokar: A sentiment with which I wholeheartedly concur. > "You should!! This is one of the locations of PJ's portal in this > universe!" cried the Mouse even more excitedly. > Tansit: A gateway into Goof Troop? > "PJ's portal?" mumbled a weak Minotaur. > Moltar: Sounds more like a men's bar to me. > "Yes! All we have to do is wait for the Time Mist!" > Tansit: [singing] With a bit of a mind twist, you're into the Time Mist! > "Fine," whispered Minotaur. > > They waited. > Moltar: Somewhere, a bird threw up. > As the raven floated over the mountains, it spied the black towers of > Guldum. Zorak: That's the biggest guldum tower I ever did see, by jingo! > It circled the tallest tower several times before alighting on a > weirdly carved stone balcony. It slowly hopped down a dark, stench filled > hallway. A huge iron-bound door loomed at the end of the corridor. Guarding > the door were four incredibly large and ugly norcs, each possessing a > white, fanged jaw attached to their breastplates or shields, Lokar: As opposed to their heads, where they might conceivably be of more use. > and the image > of the jaw branded onto their foreheads. Zorak: Dis t'ing go *somewhere* on head. > The raven cawed loudly at the > norcs. They parted and the bird passed through the doorway into the fire > filled room beyond. The norcs resumed their vigilance. > Moltar: [Norc] It's a living. > A great roar of unholy laughter shook the foundations of Guldum and echoed > throughout the land. Brak: Ah ha ha ha ha! I can't ever get enough of that Carrot Top! > Armies paused in wonder and slaves shuddered with fear > as a great flying creature detached itself from the cliffs below the tower > and glided southward. > Tansit: [Goliath] My brothers! They were all smashed during the daylight! ARRRRRRRRRGH! > While Dr. Minotaur was wandering through the rugged Merlock Mountains, Lar > the Trid, and Chris the Spot were deep in conversation about matters > comprehensible only to the exalted beings known as Fringe Lords. > Lokar: As opposed to the readers. > "Blark nee gurgle?" asked Chris. > Brak: [to Lokar] You called that one, all right. > "Frhaz na halkec. Nuer ki-nix bla-bla," replied Lar. > Zorak: Ha-ha-ha! I didn't know they spoke Tolarkian! > "Bark-bark! Arf! Doggie?" Chris responded. > Lokar: [Lar] Do not *patronize* me, you twit! > "Edwark jamies fanfarn wurstich zut, flax harniks ext njik bla-bla carn > duna zort xhat. Marn nox talismanic torotoro hka tasz dork-dork-dork!" > exclaimed Lar. > Brak: [Swedish Chef] Ber de furng der ging gorng chickie-in-de-basket. > "Fregg Piggie gla oink-oink," said Chris as he vigorously nodded agreement. > Tansit: [falsetto] Kermieee! > The wind abruptly changed direction as a green puffy spot rushed into the > sacred chamber of Chris the Spot. It sputtered green pus as it ran all over > the room in an hysterical stupor. Zorak: [spot] Run! Run for your lives! There's a crazy hippo woman out there with a machine gun! > It had been sundered from the many! Lar > knocked it down with a rock. The green spot fell to the floor, its mouth > agape with surprise. > Tansit: [spot] Mommy! He hit me! Wah-hah-hah-hah! > The giant raisin rolled down the mountain side. > Brak: Two tons in every box. > Lar foolishly shook the limp green spot by the foot, demanding to know what > was going on. Moltar: I think ya wanna put on some rubber gloves before you touch that thing. > The earth shuddered and a great wailing filled the air. Moltar: Can't say I didn't tell ya. > Diz, > the supreme anti-fringelord and a powerful ally of Dormorgul, had arrived. > Brak: Hey, if you put a fringelord and an anti-fringelord together, will they cancel each other out? > Chris, through his many selves, could get a complete panoramic view of the > horrid creature. Brak: [Chris] Yuck! This thing's disgusting, all right. > Her incredible weirdness brought back memories of his last Zorak: Viewing of "Pink Floyd, The Wall." > battle with the mighty former-fringelord. In that terrible battle, the > Fringe itself was blasted and disrupted. Lokar: And one cannot simply find fringe like that in Hancock's, no indeed! > The fight finally ended in victory > for the Glorious Leader and resulted in the denaming of Diz. Moltar: CMSG RMGROUP Diz Diz is widely considered a bogus fringelord. Please remove her from your active file. > She had > remained nameless until she entwined herself in Dormorgul's evil webs and > let herself be renamed in his image to become Diz, Destroyer of Fringe. > Lokar: I *do* hope you were taking notes. > Diz's horrible wail filled the air again, Zorak: [Diz] DIZ? Destroyer of FRINGE? THAT'S my new name?! > issuing a challenge to Lar and > Chris to do battle with her. They rose to meet it. [The text scrolls off the screen.] Tansit: [Diz] Neener neener neener! I got a bigger stick than you-ou! Brak: [Chris] Yes, but! I've got the--Retainer of Death!! Zorak: [Lar] And I've got the...Side of beef!! Tansit: En garde! [lunges at Zorak, pantomiming swordplay] Zorak: No you don't! [twists out of the way, grabs one of Lokar's now- charred Martha Stewart magazines, rolls it up, and smacks Tansit] Tansit: [jumps] Hey! Brak: [grabbing the first object that comes to hand, which happens to be a popcorn bowl, and brandishing it] Now it's your turn to face me! And my Retainer of Death! Tansit: Ewww! It's got germs on it! [Brak jabs the bowl menacingly in Tansit's direction.] Tansit: [grabs his heart and staggers backwards nearly falling over Lokar, who has been trying to keep out of the way] Oh! Ya got me! [slips to the floor and lies still] Lokar: One can only hope. Zorak: [turning on Lokar and brandishing the magazine pages] You can't get away from me now! I'm gonna git'cha! Lokar: I decline to participate in this farce. Brak: [raising the bowl] Two against one! You're outnumbered! Zorak: Yeah, Lokar. Loosen up; have some fun. [insincerely] We ain't REALLY gonna hurt ya, are we, Brak? Brak: Oh, no! It's just pretend! Lokar: [sighs heavily then puts his hand to his chest] Help. Help. Help. Help. [Brak and Zorak look at each other for a beat.] Brak & Zorak: GET HIM!!! [Both charge toward Lokar, "weapons" raised.] [Moltar watches as the two chase Lokar offscreen. We hear all sorts of melee combat sounds, punctuated by locust shrieks. Moltar laughs to himself.] [After about 30 seconds of this, the story reappears on the monitor.] Moltar: Heads up, guys. Story's back on. [The fight sounds cease. After a beat Brak, Zorak, and a disgruntled Lokar return.] Brak: Jeez, I never knew you were so ticklish! Lokar: Never, NEVER do that AGAIN! Zorak: Sissy. next Back 1 > ELEVEN > > Tridian eyes relayed visual images back to Lar's brain. Brak: Since Lar's a Trid, that kinda makes sense. > These impulses were > analyzed, and rejection slips promptly sent out. Several synapses closed > for lunch. > Tansit: Brain by Scott Adams. > However, while Lar was attempting to sort out all this, Chris had begun to > act. > Brak: [dramatically] Izzis a dagger I see before me? > "So, Diz, you dare to confront me here in my own domain! Tansit: www.lar.com. > I've unnamed you > once by myself! This time the two of us will cast you down completely!" > Tansit: Now hold still while we mix the plaster! > "Dream on!" screeched the anti-fringelord. "Like, I mean, what a grody > thought, y'know? Moltar: So, the evil Diz is really Surfette? > I mean, like, together ... um ... you guys, like, Zorak: [Diz] Really creep me out. Get a room. > can only > draw on, y'know, only 2 of the 4.225 dimensions of the, like, Fringe, Tansit: If that's all the power Fringe Lords get, I can't say I think much of their Fringe benefits. Ha ha ha ha! [Tansit giggles. Everyone else groans.] > y'know? But mine is, like, the power ... um ... of, y'know, Dormorgul, > himself!" > Moltar: The guy with the *bunny tail.* > By this time, Lar's eyeballs had successfully negotiated an acceptance with > his brain, and he finally clicked into reality. Tansit: [Lar] Eyeballs to brain, eyeballs to brain. You've gotten input, we need feedback. > It was indeed Diz. Brak: And not dat. Zorak: Or de other. > The last > time he had seen her was just prior to her denaming. Tansit: When they held the RFD before voting. > She had changed little > since then, except that her once Fringey features were marred by normalcy. Moltar: They couldn't call her "The Lunatic Fringe" any more. > Her auburn hair was now a blood-red with lightning shooting out in all > directions. Tansit: She's turned into one of those anime girls? > Her skin had paled to a green tinged, pasty white, and her > brown eyes, with their deadly hypnotic effect, Zorak: Lombaak ecree oplom ah-plee ozona aa'aa! > had been grossly enlarged to > bestial proportions with no whites. Yes, there was no mistaking her. > Brak: Zombie Spice. > "Dormorgul has promised me the Fringe when I defeat you!" > Tansit: Couldn't you just go down to Cloth World instead? > "Fat chance!" yelled Lar as he cast a Silly Thing at the gargoyle. Tansit: [Goliath] Hey! I didn't ask to be in this story. > The > Silly Thing bounced off of Diz and onto the wall, causing it to grow purple > fur. Moltar: Well, THAT was useful. > Diz cackled insanely. > Tansit: [Hexadecimal] Happy happy HAPPY! > "You fool! Like you'd have to be at least, like, an Auditor before ... um > ... Moltar: LINE! > your power would, like, affect, y'know, me! I've, like, got Dormorgul's > power, y'know? I mean, like, he's so unsilly that, like, y'know it took a > Hoo-Hoo's power to affect him!" > Brak: [Diz] Not that that, like, has anything to do with, um, whatever, y'know, buddy. > Chris then leapt at the bizarre mockery of Fringe-dom and delivered a > tremendous kick to Diz' midsection sending her hurtling through the wall. > Moltar: Yeah! This beats those fake wrestlers any day! > "Like wow! That was a pretty hoovee kick for a spot!" > Zorak: You coulda killed a killed a dozen Houdinis with that. > Chris gazed down at the sprawled figure. "As the Largest Spot, I can draw > on the collective strength of all the spots. And I can also do ... THIS!" > Brak: Oh, gross! Stop crackin' your toe knuckles! > Streams of pus then shot from Chris' big toes, immediately clotting and > scabbing Diz to the ground. > All: EWWWWWWWWW! > "Ooo, grody!" said Diz. As she feebly tried to break her bonds, other spots > began pouring out from the cliff-face carrying squirt guns full of iodine > or highly corrosive epsom salt solutions. > Brak: Anyone got a squirt gun fulla Bactine? Tansit: Makes me wish for the good old days when squirt guns just shot snowballs. > "Oh wow!" exclaimed Diz. "Like, you guys are wrecking my nails! Zorak: "Wrecking my nails"? Is that anything like bustin'- Moltar: No. > I'll show > you what being a dizzy airhead really means!" Zorak: It means watching Pauley Shore movies *willingly*. > Holding her breath, Diz > caused the internal pressure of her head to build, making her a > lighter-than-airhead, and soon she was floating a good 100 metres above the > spots. > Brak: [Space Ghost] Look at her head! She's having a big head day! How's your big head day, kids? Zorak: Big fat head day! > "Now ... feel the true power of Diz!" she screamed as beams of force lanced > from her to cause all those around her to experience extreme vertigo, all > except one ... Brak: One what? > Snorf! > Brak: Geseundheit! One what? > Snorf had never met Diz. Zorak: Lucky Snorf. Moltar: Lucky Diz. > He experienced initial confusion at her, Tansit: [Diz] Don't you, like, experience confusion at me! I'm a lady! > sensing > the remnants of Fringiness in her deepest sub-conscious -- she certainly > talked silly enough. Brak: [English accent] Hello, I have a silly talk I'd like to research. > Also, Lar had expressed wishes for Snorf to stay back, > out of harm's way. This usually rankled Snorf because, after all, Snorf > could take care of Snorf, Tansit: Snorf could take care of Snorfself. > but this time he made no protest. However, when > he saw Lar fall under Diz's vertiginious onslaught, his rage could not be > contained. > [Brak starts whistling the "Lassie" theme.] > Wings a-blur, the little dragon sped upwards, talons extended. In one > sweeping pass, Snorf raked Diz's face leaving deep gashes across one cheek > and causing her to break off her attack. Zorak: WOOHOO! This is better that making Pokemons rip each other up! > Snorf made a second pass, this > time beating Diz about the head and shoulders with his wings and tail. Moltar: All right! Now get a pointed stick! > Diz > was in confusion, her vertigo rays being useless against a creature > naturally immune to acrophobia. Brak: He LOVED high places! Tansit: That's agoraphobia. Brak: I thought that was bein' scared of Ed Wood movies. Tansit: No, that's *angora*phobia. > Snorf began to make another pass, this time > readying his internal fires for expulsion. Zorak: Show 'em who's boss! Brak: Watch out, Snorf's been eatin' his beans! > Braking suddenly, he spat flame > at the gorgon. > Brak: [Don Martin] Fitz, putz, spopple, ZOOF! > "My dress! Like, you've wrecked it!" screeched Diz. "Let's see how you like > my fire!" Diz gestured, and black arcane flames engulfed the tiny figure. Brak: The Scarecrow! NOOOOO! > With a howl of pain, Snorf plummeted to the ground. Zorak: Medium rare, just like I like it. > The pain was > transmitted to Lar through the psionic rapport he shared with Snorf and it > shocked the trid free of Diz's power. Zorak: Forget Lar! I wanna read more about Snorf gettin' clobbered! > Bellowing his rage, All: [bellowing] HIS RAGE! > Lar grabbed a > half-carcass of raw pig, transmuted to were-penguin form, and leaping high, > clubbed Diz out of the sky. > Tansit: Feathers McGraw to the rescue! > "Now," said Lar menacingly. "Chris and I shall cast you down as we should > have before!" > Moltar: [Lar] You'll play Chorus Singer #3 and understudy 'Nurse to Juliet'. Zorak: Huh? Tansit: What? Moltar: Director humor. Never mind. > Diz made a last ditch attempt to hypnotise the pair, but Chris was immune > by drawing on his collectinve will, and Lar was steeled against her with > hate. > Zorak: You and me both! > "It is time," said Lar. "For the Fringe Force." > Tansit: From Sandy Frank. > "Okey-doke," said Chris solemnly. > > The pair stared at Diz and slowly opened their minds to the vast untamed > regions of the Fringe. Zorak: And the power overwhelmed their puny brains and they collapsed on the spot, brains burned to cinders. The End. Moltar: Nice try. > Slowly, carefully, they funnelled those vast areas > of Fringe into the anti-fringe entity before them. Brak: Then they folded in some flour and tuna, and made a tasty casserole. > Were Diz still Fringey, > she could have handled the maelstrom with ease, but since she had renounced > the Fringe for Dormorgul's power, Moltar: She got screwed on *that* deal. > her mind was sent reeling and plummetting > down into a whirlpool of surreal images and symbols beyond the grasp of > mortal ken. > Brak: [singing] Come on Barbie, let's go party, oh-oh-oh-oh... > Lar quickly turned to aid Snorf but found that the spots had already > whisked him off to a hospital inside the mountain. > Tansit: [Church Lady] How convEEEEEEEEnient. > "Well, now that we've taken care of her mind," said the hundred odd spots > remaining in the vicinity in unison. "What should we do with the body?" > [All look at each other] Moltar: I'm not gonna be the first to say it. Brak: Say what? Zorak: I am. Devour her! Tansit: [aside] For once I'm actually *glad* Zorak has a one-track mind. > "I might be able to help there," said Lar. Resuming his normal form, he > cast his final 'Silly Thing' for the day onto the corpse. Moltar: Funerals for clowns. Tansit: Hey, didn't he already cast today's "silly thing" on Diz? When he turned her purple? Zorak: Go back to sleep, loser. > Immediately, a > handle-bar moustache sprang into being on her face, and a strange tatoo of > a canine related creature labelled 'MOJO' appeared on her right elbow. > Brak: Uh uh! Mojo Jojo's a monkey! And you know you should never trust a monkey! > "Ah hell!" expleted Lar. "Let's just chuck it into the Time Mist." Zorak: No! Give it to me! I'll bet Diz is good eatin'! Tansit: Don't you ever think of anything besides eating? Zorak: Nope. [The screen goes black yet again, but is immediately replaced with an image of Lokar. Everyone grumbles. A handful of popcorn bounces off the monitor. Lokar, grinning smugly, strikes one of his more pompous poses.] Lokar: Do not turn your abuse on me, peasants. Remember, *I* have been entrusted with the controls, and thus your fate rests within these hands! Zorak: You pansy, Lokar! Get in here and take it with the rest of us like a man! Oops, that doesn't apply to *you*, does it? Brak: He's not a man, he's a bug like you, Zorak. Tansit: Yeah, you fink! It's not fair! Brak: But it's fun! Lokar: Do not think your imprecations have no effect on me. In fact, they spur me to get on with the story that much more quickly. [He pulls a lever.] All: NOOO!!!! next Back 1 > FIFTEEN > Brak: Did I miss anything? Zorak: Pain. Suffering. Brak: Oh. The usual. > The great wave of slime mould filled Dr. Minotaur's field of vision as the > Gerbilriders scurried about, preparing their defenses. Brak: How d'ya defend yourself against a slime mold? Zorak: I dunno. Lotsa salt, maybe. > They had found a > large pile of raw turnips nearby and were hard at work rigging catapults so > as to utilize the vegetable in their counter-attacks. > Tansit: Reset to zero! HA! Zorak: Geek. > The Educated Mouse gave up all hope that the tree trunk could be > reconstructed and hurried over to see what Minotaur and the emfs were up > to. > Zorak: About 70 on the IQ scale. > Karabuss, impervious to the noise, continued to sleep. > Tansit: Think he's related to Hercules? > The wave reached our heroes and began its assault. Tansit: [Igon Venkman] I've been slimed. > The emfs let their > turnips fly and hacked at the edges of the wave with their swords. Brak: Wouldn't sponges work better? Swords'd just go right through the wave. > Dr. > Minotaur struck out with his fists and legs at a pseudopod that had swept > him up to the very top of the wave. > Moltar: Don't fight it, ride it out. Hang ten, man! > The Educated Mouse viewed the scene with mixed emotions until he noticed > what the emfs were tossing at the mould. > Zorak: Their cookies. > "Avalon's platelets!" cried the Educated Mouse. "Those idiots are tossing > turnips at slime mould!" Tansit: Toss in salt and pepper to taste. > His computer whirled, clicked and printed out the > cause of the rodent's concern: > Moltar: It'd just be too easy for the mouse to *say* what the problem was. > THE INGESTION OF RAW TURNIP BY A COLLECTION > > OF SLIME MOULDS RESULTS IN Brak: FLUFFIES. > THE EXCRETION BY > > THE LATTER OF A POWERFULLY HALLUCINOGENIC > > SUBSTANCE. Zorak: Whoa. And I thought licking frogs was weird. > THIS SUBSTANCE IS USED BY SLIME > > MOULDS IN THEIR PURPLE DEATH RITUALS ...... > Zorak: [poking Lokar] You're quiet now, aren't you, Liberace. Lokar: [uneasily] Eh... > Dr. Minotaur was feeling light-headed. The scene around him began to spin > and soon dissolved into indecipherable globs of yellow and green goop. > Brak: Space Ghost said to be nice, so we'll be nice. Right? [Looking around] Moltar: Riiiiiight. [Lokar looks distinctly unreassured.] > The globs merged into a single entity. > Lokar: Er, they seem to misunderstand the concept of mitosis? Zorak: That's better. That's the Lokar we all know and hate. [Zorak noogies Lokar hard enough to bruise.] > The entity grew in size. > > It pulsated. > > It exploded. > Brak: It grossed us all out. > Pieces of yellow-green goop flew past Dr. Minotaur into a purple chasm that > mysteriously opened up behind him. > Tansit: Talk about your continental drift! > All colour disappeared. > Zorak: [singing] Ihr wollt doch auch den Dolch ins Laken stecken! Ihr wollt doch auch das Blut vom Degen lecken! RAMMSTEIN! RAMMSTEIN! > Dr. Minotaur was afloat in a sea of chaotic greys. In the distance he could > see a spark of white light. He swam towards it. > Tansit: And became dinner for a giant angler fish. > A great gurgling sound filled the greyness and the sea drained away. Lokar: Must *everyone* flush at once? > Minotaur was left standing on a small, sandy, deserted tropical island in > the centre of a large in-ground swimming pool under a pink sky. Lokar: [Dr. Minotaur] M'aidez! I have been trapped in a surrealist painting! > A pink > shark slowly circled the island and above the doctor's head a trap-door was > suspended in space. The island was graced by a single palm tree and from > its trunk protruded a large brass spigot. > Moltar: Whoa. Tansit: Who'd'a thought you could get all that from a *turnip*? > Dr. Minotaur played with the spigot. It opened. Lokar: As opposed to pouring anything. > Out poured the greys that > he had just left. He scrambled for the trap-door and struggled through it. > None of the greyness followed. > Moltar: Anyone wanna pump that turnip junk outta his stomach so we can get back to the real story? Zorak: Frying pan, fire. > Minotaur briefly considered the greys through the open door before letting > it swing shut. The door sparkled and disappeared. Zorak: That's what *I'd* expect a door to do. > He now found himself in a > shadow and mist filled land. Its sun was obscured by dense clouds that > filled the sky from horizon to horizon and its half-dead vegetation was > stunted and twisted. Moltar: How long ya give *this* digression? Zorak: Ten lines and he's outta there. > Beside him, a bright green bell and a tiny hammer were > suspended from a tree. A path of similarly coloured stones led down the > side of the small hill on which Minotaur was standing. > Tansit: Some Ettin were standing in place, facing away from him. Mana cubes were floating my a wall. A large spike was poking up through the ground here and there. Zorak: Tansit? Tansit: What? Zorak: Get a life. > Dr. Minotaur followed the path to a wide stream and paused. The path > crossed the water as a series of stepping stones. He hesistently stepped on > the first of the stepping stones. > Moltar: And? > Nothing happened. > Tansit: Whew. > He cautiously stepped on the second stone. > Brak: Uh oh! > Once again, nothing happened. > Zorak: Hooray. > The third stone. > Brak: Hold on! > Safe. > Moltar: Home run. > Fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and so on across the stream. > Brak: Forgot to pick up the ball you dropped on the fifth stone. You lose! > As he was about to step on to the far bank, a rustling arose in the dense > onshore shrubberies and out burst a great multitude of humans. Lokar: [hushed voice] We see how the Crested Humans defend their nesting ground from predators. > Dr. Minotaur > recoiled in terror at the sight of their horrific normalcy. Zorak: Gotta give him credit, at least he knows Humans are ugly. > He tried to > hide in the reeds but the humans quickly found him and with a good deal of > effort lifted him above their heads. Lokar: Thus ensuring the financial stability of the next generation of chiropractors. > The multitude formed itself into a > procession with loud chanting and wailing and carried Dr. Minotaur down a > green path into the burgundy coloured ruins of a once great forest. > Tansit: Adjust the colors, "The Wizard of Oz" is all messed up again. > Dr. Minotaur pondered the wart on his right big toe as he was tumbled back > and forth across a horde of outstretched arms. Zorak: [Dr. Minotaur] I *never* get bored with stage diving. > The chanting and wailing > rose and fell on the whims of the multiverse. The noise grew to a > tremendous climax before abruptly dying off into silence. Moltar: And then lighting a cigarette. > The procession > reached its destination and unceremoniously dumped Minotaur on to the damp > earth. > Zorak: Where they had built a pit barbecue. > After regaining his sense of orientation Minotaur slowly scanned the scene > about him. Tansit: Orientation *first*, *then* figure out where you are. Lokar: Of course. > The path had opened up into a large, moss and stone filled > clearing. Great silver lanterns hung from the giant trees that formed a > canopy over the humans. An immense stone platform and altar stretched > across the width of the clearing at its far end. > Zorak: There were paper plates and packages of buns on the altar, and the head priest was wearing a "kiss the chef" apron. > On the altar, facing towards Dr. Minotaur, stood four hooded humans with > bowed heads. One of the four shuffled over to an ornately decorated, silver > chest that sat upon a large red block. Lokar: Urchins had appropriated its wheels. > The chest was opened and out of it > the hooded human lifted up a great silver inverted 'J'. The multitude of > humans looked with great awe and reverence upon the brilliance of the > inverted 'J'. > Brak: I know these guys! They sponsored Sesame Street! > The multitude of humans stood with absolute stillness, absolute silence. > Tansit: [human] Quiet. Bulls can't see you if you're still, only if you're moving. > Dr. Minotaur sneezed. > > The multitude of humans roared and pulled out enormous axes. > > Dr. Minotaur cringed. > Moltar: Aversion therapy in action. > The multitude of humans smashed their way into the many wooden crates that > lay scattered about the clearing. > > Dr. Minotaur was puzzled. > Lokar: Apparently he is not familiar with the concept of a cargo cult. > The multitude of humans fell upon the pink grapefruits that spilled from > the broken crates and an orgy of face-stuffing ensued. > Brak: [human] Lookee! I can get three grapegruits in my mouf! Mmmm! MMMMM! Zorak: Moron vegetarians. [grumbles] > Dr. Minotaur edged away from what he now considered to be a bunch of insane > loonies. > Tansit: I can't decide. Who's the pot and who's the kettle? > The multitude of humans danced to a chant by the hooded humans as the > eating continued. > Zorak: [chanting] Gooble gabble, gooble gabble, we accept him, we accept him, one of us, one of us! > Dr. Minotaur ran out of the clearing. > > Through the burgundy woods ran Minotaur until he found a door. Tansit: But it was too small for him to get through. then he spied a table with some cakes on it that had "eat me" written in the icing. > He jumped > into the air and allowed his momentum to smash the door and carry himself > through it. > Brak: Then he had to pull the door off his horns so he could see where he was going. > The hooded humans continued their chant and the worshippers, their dance. > Tansit: [singing] Dale a tu cuerpa alegria Macarena... > Dr. Minotaur now found himself on a rock ledge beside an immense > fire-filled chasm. Moltar: [sighs] Home. > A delicate, natural stone arch spanned the chasm, > connecting the ledge to the unseen and unknown. The door, through which > Minotaur had come, had disappeared. > Brak: How many doors has that been so far? > A tapping noise echoed out of the distance as a tall, ancient, long bearded > human slowly made his way across the arch towards Dr. Minotaur. Zorak: That arch... Tansit: What about it? Zorak: It remind me of... Brak: Oh, no! Moltar: *What? Brak & Zorak: ST. LOUIS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! > The elder > carried a gnarled wooden staff taller than himself and was cloaked in a > long white robe. Tansit: [singing] Oh, a wizard's staff has a knob on the end... > His long white hair flowed out behind him as if in a > strong, constant wind, although there was none in the chasm save for the > sporadic updrafts from the fires below. > Brak: I hope he got a heavy robe on. I don't wanna see him do that Marilyn Monroe thing. > The Elder came within a few feet of Minotaur and sharply rapped his staff > upon the stone. Brak: Three o'clock 'n all's well. > He then turned and began his long return trek across the > arch. Minotaur followed. > Lokar: Having found one person with more purpose in life than he himself possessed. > After an indeterminable length of time had passed the good doctor summoned > enough courage to ask a question of his guide. > Tansit: [Dr. Minotaur] Why is it very bad if I fall in the spring? > "Who were those hideous creatures in the forest clearing?" > Lokar: Emfs. Zorak: Frums. Brak: Surfs. Moltar: Nymphs. Tansit: Trids. Brak: Spots. > Without pausing in his stride the Elder answered, "They are the Cult of the > Inverted 'J'. Moltar: They run a dude ranch in New Mexico. > They are celebrating the recovery of their most holy > artifact, the great silver Inverted 'J'." > Brak: [Elder] Actually, it was an 'L' that got bent, but nobody had the heart to tell 'em. > "What had happened to it?" > > "It was broken and lost." > > "Lost?" > Tansit: [Elder] Well, actually, someone used it as an umbrella handle. I haven't had the heart to tell 'em that, either. > "Yes, the giant space-hogs captured it during a raid." > > "Space ... hogs?" > Moltar: He means bunnies. > "Yes." > > Dr. Minotaur declined to ask any further questions for a long time. > Tansit: I don't blame him one bit. > A pair of dopey, dozy looking humans with plaid shirts and faded > hole-filled jeans sauntered towards the trekking pair. Zorak: Hey how's it going, hosers, eh? > They carried pool > cues and a wide variety of hand-tools and intermittently tried to > disassemble the stone arch as they travelled. > > "Who are they?" asked Minotaur. > Moltar: Tim Allen and... whatshisface. > "They are the most benevolent assholes in the multiverse." > Brak: [boggling] Benevolent? What? Lokar: I believe you read it correctly the first time. Brak: What's 'benevolent'? > "The what?" > Brak: No. The Who. Tansit: The Band? Moltar: Not The Band, The Who. Zorak: [Slappy Squirrel] Aaaah, shaddap already. > "Yes, they practice constructive destructiveness." > [All look at Lokar for an interpretation.] Lokar: I haven't a clue. > "Oh," finished a puzzled Minotaur. > Tansit: Sounds like more of those volatile creative types. > The assholes ignored Dr. Minotaur and the Elder and sauntered onward. Zorak: And I thought bellybuttons were bad. Moltar: Stop it. > The > trekking pair continued their journey. The archway stretched endlessly > without any visible means of support. > Lokar: Not unlike Space Ghost's midsection. [All laugh. Zorak THWACKS Lokar across the back.] > In the distance Minotuar spied the approach of a taller-than-average human > female, clad in a pair of faded blue jeans, a green plaid shirt and a green > armless sweater. With a bowed head she rapidly walked towards the Elder and > Minotaur. Upon reaching the trekking pair she screamed in anguish and began > to speak very rapidly and with great pleading. > Tansit: [falsetto] Do you have change? The cola machines here won't take dollars! > "Please let me make you a grill-cheese! Please, pretty please, a > grill-cheese, please, or how about a coffee? Two coffees? A whole pot of > coffee! Please?" > Zorak: Waffle House of The Damned. > She glanced from face to face and back again. > > "Grill-cheese? Coffee? Grill-cheese?" > Tansit: You know, somebody's gonna have to do it. Brak: Can I? Moltar: Better you than me. Brak: [clears throat] Chee'burger, chee'burger, no Coke, Pepsi! > "No, thank you, we have already had some made for us," replied the Elder as > he and Minotaur continued without pause. The female human whimpered and > shuffled off. > Tansit: [falsetto] Now I'm never going to earn the tip money I need to get that Coke. > "What was that?" asked Dr. Minotaur. > > "A rejected sap," replied the Elder quietly. > Tansit: I don't get it. [They look at each other. Nobody else can offer an explanation either.] > "And them?" asked Minotaur as he pointed towards a large group of humans > that lined the pathway as far as he could see. > Brak: They're waitin' for the Olympic torch to pass by. > The Elder was silent. > Moltar: [Elder, thinking] Why couldn't this jerk just buy the guidebook? It's only two bucks! > The humans sat with crossed legs in two long lines, one on either side of > the path. Minotaur noticed that they all had pale, washed out facial > complexions with sunken hallowed cheeks. Their eyes were gooped up with a > large excess of black eyeliner and their bellies protruded prominantly. > Zorak: They're on a hunger strike until The Cure comes to town. > The Elder continued his trek between the long twin lines of the buddha-like > humans. Seconds passed. > Moltar: It was a quick trek. > "Why are these people just sitting here like that?" asked Minotaur. > Zorak: Camping out for tickets. Dumb saps haven't ever heard of Ticketmaster. > "They are the Society of the Sallow Faced," replied the Elder. > > "Okay," murmured the doctor, wondering if his question had been answered. > Brak: They got clubs for everything now. Tansit: Actually, if you get on the Internet, they DO. > The trekking pair now passed out of the region of flame and of the Society > of the Sallow Faced and into a region of great cold. Gigantic icicles hung > in space and from the archway itself. Walking became difficult. > Tansit: Skating, however, because a breeze. > A dwarf whizzed by on a pair of skates. > Tansit: See? > "The teddy-bears are revolting! The teddy-bears are revolting!" cried the > dwarf. "They've been eating garlic sausage by the ton and haven't brushed > their teeth for days!" > Brak: Ba-dum BUM. > By this time, Dr. Minotaur had learned that it was pointless to ask any > questions. > Moltar: I'm runnin' out of "pointless" comebacks. Skip it. > The archway was coming to an end. The Elder and the doctor had come to an > opaque crystalline wall that extended in all directions towards infinity. Lokar: Well, *approaching* infinity, at any rate. > At Minotaur's eye level was a large golden keyhole. > Brak: And he peeked in and saw an angel takin' a bath. > The Elder reached into his robe and pulled out a key of the same gigantic > proportions as the lock. He inserted the key and slowly turned it. > Moltar: what, you being paid by the hour? Get on with it! > The wall disappeared leaving the lock suspended in space. > Brak: Curiouser and curiouser! I've seen a door without a lock, but never a lock without a door. > Beyond the wall Minotaur could see a vast, rocky, storm and cloud filled > landscape. The only vegetation to be seen were mosses, lichens and > scattered clumps of giant ominous conifers and oaks. Lokar: In this unique biosphere flourish species found nowhere else, such as the tree-climbing mollusk, which breeds in the water basins inside orchid blossoms. > To his right, a foamy > sea vented its rage upon the cliffs. The entire sky glowed with filtered > light and intermittent lightning. > Lokar: [Heathcliff] Catherine! > Dr. Minotaur stepped out into the land in awe. He turned to the Elder and > asked; "What is this place?" > Tansit: Whatever it is, it's dark and stormy. > The Elder paused and smiled for the first time in eons. > Zorak: Or since the beginning of this story. Moltar: Same thing. > "This is your cell," replied the Elder as the opaque crystalline wall > reclaimed its lock. Brak: Well, that was.... different. Zorak: Yep. next Back 1 > EIGHTEEN > > Through the dissipating hallucination Dr. Minotaur saw that he was on the > doorstep of a gigantic castle located high upon a mountain of black, > blasted rock. Brak: [Dr. Minotaur] Aw, sheesh. I wish I was still back in that other place. Lokar: Take heart - we have reached the last chapter save one. > The walls and towers of the castle were also black and > completely covered with weird and evil carvings. Above the castle gate a > white, fanged jaw protruded out into the air. > [Moltar and Tansit look at Brak.] Brak: What? > The silence was deafening. Lokar: The darkness was blinding. > The only movement was a wisp of smoke and its > shadow, high in the sky, speeding southward against the wind. > Tansit: The shadow of a cloud is up in the sky? Are they shining searchlights on it? > The gate opened. > > Having nothing better to do, Minotaur shrugged and entered. Moltar: Hey, it worked for the story this far. > He stepped into > a tall and very long hall. At the far end was a second gate just like the > first but guarded by a troll on either side. > Zorak: All right! It's been a while since we had a good battle. > Dr. Minotaur passed unchallenged. > Zorak: Huh?! Rip-off! > The room beyond the second gate was pentagonal. In its centre stood a > large, glowing egg-shaped crystal. Tansit: Oh, I know this one! A unicorn hatches out of it, right? > Inspired by some unknown muse, Minotaur > took out the gooney-bird's egg and gently placed it in a small depression > in the top of the crystal. > Moltar: Leisure Suit Minotaur. > The universe shuddered and groaned. > Zorak: As it realized that somewhere Disco was coming back into style. > The crystal began to pulsate. > Brak: Those little burgers *do* get scary if ya leave 'em out. > The floor sank rapidly, taking Minotaur down with it and leaving the > crystal suspended in space. > [Tansit begins humming elevator music.] > The floor stopped and an archway appeared below where the gate had been. Zorak: Welcome... to HELL! Moltar: Or St. Louis. [Pause. Then Brak and Zorak scream in anguish, startling the others.] > Through the arch Dr. Minotaur could see a large monolith covered with > rapidly flashing, multicoloured lights. Brak: It's Christmas in 2001. > He approached the monolith. A coin > slot and a staff protruded from one of its sides. He inserted the coin that > the nymph had given him. > Moltar: [Dr. Minotaur] I been carrying this thing around for the whole story. I better get *some* use out of it. > The monolith spat out loud, harsh clanging noises. > Moltar: P-tooey, BONG! P-tooey, CLANK! > Dr. Minotaur cringed. > > The noises stopped. > Brak: A shot rang out. The maid screamed. > Puzzled, Minotaur pulled on the staff. His action was greeted by a whirling > noise and the rapid flashing of many figures on three white squares. > Lokar: [Dr. Minotaur] Oh, dear me, *not* a *kinetoscope*! > Freaked out, Minotaur cringed again. > Zorak: All of a sudden I'd like to dump this guy off in Las Vegas and watch him go nuts. > The whirling stopped and three apples appeared on the white squares. The > monolith groaned and deposited a monstrous sword at Minotaur's feet. Moltar: Whoa. Tansit: I'd groan too. Ouch! > A > second, louder groan echoed through the room as the monolith sunk down into > the floor. > Moltar: [monolith] My part's over. I'm outta here. Brak: This story'd better have a really big Green Room. > As he picked the sword up with both hands, Minotaur wondered why the room > had not darkened. Lokar: Why did the egg float? Why did a huge slot machine give him a sword? Why did the monolith disappear? Where the bloody hell is he? Oh, these questions pale in comparison to "Why do the lights remain on?" > He looked around. A large glowing and sparking globe was > descending to replace the monolith. The globe shot powerful bolts of > lightning at Minotaur. In self defense he slashed at the globe with the > sword. The two met with a deafening crack and the light went out. > Tansit: Ooooh, that did it. You broke the Nightlight of the Gods. > The sword vapourized Moltar: [sword] That's it for me. Hope the monolith and the crystal are waiting for me in the Green Room. We're supposed to go out for tacos. > and a surprised Dr. Minotaur felt about to discover > only that he was in some sort of pulpit. Once accustomed to the darkness he > could dimly perceive a second pulpit a few feet from his own. This pulpit > contained a gigantic horned creature. Zorak: Then Dr. Minotaur realized he was looking in a mirror. > In front of the pulpits was a large > open floor area with a small podium in its centre. Far behind the podium, > two dark, ever-moving, many-headed masses, separated by a wide lane, > stretched off into the distance. > Brak: Yeah, that's how I remember debate class too. > Minotaur was wondering what was going on when his thoughts were interrupted > by strains of inane elevator music and rapidly flickering neon lights. > Zorak: [Minotaur] Oh, God, disco IS coming back! AUUUGH! > The doctor could now see that the dark masses were arrayed as an audience > would be. The right-hand mass was full of frums, insane gnomes, norcs, > hairdressers, space-pigs, and other assorted evil minions of Dormorgul. Zorak: I wanna be in *that* mosh pit! > In > the far corner of the front row Dick and Jane were playing 'doctor'. Lokar: [Dick] Please fill out these forms and give me your insurance card so I may photocopy it for our records. > The > left mass was dominated by the radiant Jennifer in the front centre. Behind > her sat the Gerbilriders, trids, spots, space-bunnies, gerbils and everyone > else that was either allied to her, or derived of her powers. > Brak: And over in the balcony are the crystal and monolith and sword! Hi guys! > Far off to Minotaur's right, far from the audience, stood Karabuss, the > Disco Beaver and a glowing Nebula, engaged in a deep and animated > conversation. > Moltar: [Karabuss] If you could just strobe faster, our act would look AWESOME! > To his immediate left, in the second pulpit, was what appeared to be a > demon. The demon smiled and cackled as it noticed Dr. Minotaur's gaze. > Brak: [Demon] Ah ha ha ha ha! Lookit you! You got eyeballs! Ho boy! > A disembodied voice boomed and Dr. Minotaur's attention was turned to a > humanoid running down the centre lane. > Zorak Hundreds of people on both sides of the aisle stuck out their legs to trip it. > "And now ladies, gentlemen and other things..." intoned the voice, "it's > time for Nymph's favourite gameshow with Nymph's favourite game show host: > Hob Harper!" > > The host ran out to the podium. > > The audience roared its approval. > [All hold out their right hands, their thumbs pointing downward.] > "Thank you, thank you Thaddeus, thank you very much," said Hob in a tone > vaguely reminescent of grovelling. Turning to the audience he began to talk > very fast. > Zorak: [Hob] Nowwhat'm'Ibidforthisnewimpalaitwasonlyusedbyadopedealerwho smuggledonlyonSundays. Ihavetentytwentyovertherethirty- > "And now I would like to introduce today's contestants. First, our reigning > champion -- that evil wizard and altogether nasty person -- Dormorgul!" > Zorak & Moltar: HAIL EVIL! > A mixture of boos, cheers and hisses filled the room. > Tansit: There's room in between all the Norcs and Frums and things? > "His opponent today is that indomitable goof -- Dr. Minotaur of Crete > 0347." > Brak: Hyuck! > Again a mixture of boos and cheers erupted, with the former dominating > since the trids, emfs and company, despite Jennifer's enthusiastic > applause, found it difficult to cheer for someone as dull-witted and ugly > as Minotaur. > Zorak: Too easy. Skip it. > Hob continued. > Lokar: Odd paragraphing. > "As you all know, on our show, 'Answer the Question Expletive Deleted', Brak: What show? Zorak: Expletive Deleted. Brak: What kinda show is that? Zorak: Expletive Deleted. [Tansit raises both hands in the Nixon "peace" gesture.] > our > contestants must answer a series of questions to decide the fate of the > world. The first to lose a round, loses! And you all know what that means, > don't you?" > Lokar: That the loser fails to win, perhaps? > A shuddering murmur passed through the crowd in the studio and through the > folks at home watching the proceedings on their television crystals. > Lokar: And out through the farthest reaches of space, where it was picked up in the Lesser Clouds of Magellan after several millions of years. > "That's right folks, a victory for the other side! Of course, to be > perfectly fair, the questions are individually tailored to the intelligence > and knowledge of each contestant." > Tansit: [Announcer voice] We have... Sports, Sports, Musical Moments, Sports, and Potpourri. > Hob turned to Dromorgul and Dr. Minotaur. > > "You have thirty seconds for each question. And now for our first round!" > Brak: [Hob] Where do babies come from? > The audience cheers. > Lokar: The verb tense changes. Zorak: Nitpicker. > "Dormorgul; what is Antonio Kristelist's middle name?" > > Dormorgul paused. > > "You have twenty seconds left ... ten ... five ..." > > Dormorgul hemmed and hawed. > Zorak: [Dr. Minotaur] HOOOOIK! P-TOOEY! > >>BUZZ!!<< > Brak: Lightyear to the rescue! > "I am sorry Dormorgul," interrupted Hob, still speaking with his usual > rapidity. "But time is up!" > Moltar: And space is down! > Hob turned to the audience. > Tansit: [Hob] Lotta help YOU were! > "It should be noted that this is the first time in nearly one thousand > years that our champion has not correctly answered a question!" > Moltar: [Hob] Of course, all those other times he said "I don't know," but that's correct when you think about it. > Dormorgul's evil minions (with the exception of Dick and Jane who were too > engrossed with each other to notice events around them) murmured in > astonishment and disappointment while the forces of Jennifer cheered > wildly. > All: [apathetically] Rayyy. > "And now for your first question Dr. Minotaur. If you answer it correctly > you will win! Now, what is two plus two equal to?" > Lokar: Before or after 1984? > Dr. Minotaur paused and pondered. > Zorak: Duhhhhhh. > "You have twenty seconds ... ten ..." > Zorak: Dahhhhh... Ummmm... > "Five!" shouted Minotaur. > > >>BUZZ!!<< > > "I am sorry Dr. Minotaur but you are wrong!" > Lokar: So very, VERY wrong. > It was Jennifer's turn to express disappointment and the evil ones' to > cheer. > Tansit: But since they weren't paying attention, they missed their chances and had to go back to the end of the line. > "Now, Dormorgul, your second question. Does it hurt ... to sit ... on a > point of land?" > > Dormorgul paused briefly before replying. > Zorak: Duhhhhhhhh.... > "Only on the seventh day of the third week of the fifth month when the > larger moon is purple, and the smaller, red, and a Minor Toad in a minor > swamp contracts a severe case of athlete's foot to which it is immune." > Tansit: [Dr. Minotaur] At least, that's what my horoscope said. > The evil ones cheered while Jennifer's booed loudly. > Zorak: Evil reads all the Trivial Pursuit answer cards beforehand! > His question finally answered and Nymph now free of the tyranny of > blueberry-filled doughnuts, the Disco Beaver left the way he came, taking > Karabuss with him. Moltar: [Disco Beaver] C'mon. I hear the Monolith's thowing an awesome party. > The sparks generated by their departure fell upon > Dormorgul, burning his pink bunny tail off. The evil wizard was, to use a > word that grossly understates the intensity of his feelings, pleased. > Zorak: Ya never miss yer tail until it's gone, ya know! > "It's time for your next question Dr. Minotaur. Here it is. Why... does a > duck?" > Brak: When it spins? > Minotaur was certain that he knew the answer to this one. > > "Because," he replied. > > >>BUZZ!!<< > > "I am sorry, but your answer is incorrect. That question has no answer! Lokar: [Hob] Tune in next week to Wheel... of... Rhetoric! > Everyone, please give a warm round of applause for our graceful loser, Dr. > Minotaur!" > Brak: But everyone misunderstands him and starts throwin' hot applesauce instead. Moltar: Remind me never to take *you* to Rocky Horror. > Hideous laughter shook the room as Dormorgul roared with delight. The emfs, > spots, trids and all others with or of Jennifer screamed and fled in every > direction. Jennifer, herself, withered up and disappeared. PJ helplessly > looked on from another universe. Her portal had ceased to function. > Zorak: Huh? > Dr. Minotaur began to worry as a great rout and slaughter, led by a > fiendishly cackling Depravo, commenced. > Zorak: Hey! This is gettin' good! > A loud rumble filled the room, and the laughter abruptly stopped as > Dormorgul looked about in fear. His minions screamed and fled. > Tansit: [Dormorgul] Hey! Wait! I *won*, remember?! > The castle walls, the surrounding battlements, even the very earth itself > was heaving and shaking. > Zorak: Like a supermodel five minutes after lunch. > The world was crumbling. > Brak: Like the biggest cookie in the universe. [pause] Got Milky Way? > The universe was dying, decomposing. > Lokar: Thus proving the entropy theory. > Alistair sighed as he stroked out several pages. > Moltar: [Alistair] Sheesh, a game show? What was I thinking? > A faint voice echoed through Minotaur's mind as the shining Nebula sped > skyward. > > "We knew that you would not fail us." Moltar: [voice] And when we blow it, we *really* blow it. next Back 1