MiST on the Ghost Planet: "Interview with the Mouse" Original story by Candy Courtnier MiSTed by Jen White [Interior, The Green Room in the Ghost Planet Industries building. The lights are very dim, except for one bright bulb illuminating the table at which Zorak, Tansit, Lokar, and Brak are seated. Our Villains are very intent on their card game, even though no chips or other gambling markers are visible. Lokar looks nervous.] Brak: I bid the two of hearts. Zorak: I'll see that and raise you two. Tansit: Oh yeah? Zorak: Yeah! Brak: What suit is a "Happy Birthday to Meeble" card? Lokar: For HEAVEN'S sake, stifle the patter and just play the bleeding game, can't you all! Zorak: [mockingly] Whassamatter, Lokar? Got a crummy hand? Lokar: Do not patronize me, *scavenger*. Tansit: Hey! It's MY turn! Zorak: So go, already. [Tansit lay down the ten of hearts. Lokar lays down the ten of clubs. Lokar and Tansit glare at each other for a second. Then each lays three cards, face down, on the table, and a fourth face up, leaving them with no more cards in their hands. Tansit's final card is a jack; Lokar's is a four. Tansit gathers up the cards, leaving Lokar with none.] Tansit: [giggling] How about that! I won! I actually won! Zorak: [winking at Tansit] Aah, just dumb luck. Brak: [also winking] Yeah. Dumb luck. That's my favorite kind, buddy! Lokar: [under his breath] It is the only kind you imbeciles are eligible for. Zorak: What's that, Lokar? You want to read something REALLY horrible? Tansit: Hey, I think I got just the thing! Whatta coincidence! Brak: Yeah, 'magine that! Tansit: [Standing up from the table] I'll just go put it on! [Tansit leaves the Green Room. Brak, Lokar, and Zorak take their places in front of the monitor.] Brak: [whispering to Zorak] Uh, if Lokar lost the game 'cause we can read his marked cards, how come *we* gotta watch too? Zorak: [grumbling back] This plan needs work. [The monitor comes on in a burst of static. It clears immediately, revealing a blank screen.] Moltar: [voiceover] Here's Tansit's... thing. Brak: [to Lokar] Aren't you gonna say it? Lokar: It's been done positively to *death*. Zorak: You know you wanna. Lokar: Oh, very well, if you *insist*. [clears his throat] R-R-R-R-ROLL THE CR-R-R-R-R-R-RAP! [Brak laughs. The words begin scrolling up the screen:] > Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers > "Interview with the Mouse" > Written by Candy Courtnier Brak: Huh, she didn't put her E-mail address with her name. Lokar: Already she is showing more sense than the average perpetrator of fan fiction. > Characters herein are (c) Walt Disney corporation. Distribute freely, but do > not modify. Brak: Yeah, don't dye Gadget's hair or teach Zipper how to speak. > All right! I'm undone! I've finally succumbed to the horrendous compulsion > consuming me lo these many months!!! Zorak: [Candy] I've eaten a whole stick of raw cookie dough! > I've sent my first, regrettably bad, fairly non-offensive, RR fanfic, Lokar: To us, and we have, to read, it. >circa Summer 1990, titled fairly appropriately, "Interview With the Mouse." > Please, don't send the hit men after me... Zorak: Too late! We're here! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! > [Editor's note: This has nothing to do with Interview with the Vampire] > I abhorr talk shows. Geraldo, Oprah, and all the like, prying into > people's lives, filling our minds with tapioca, running out of topics after > a week. Brak: [unhappily] Is this gonna be another one of those stories that's really just the writer tellin' us what she hates? Lokar: Take heart, at least the author is not- [chokes] Zorak: Don't even THINK it, cricket. > Well, we'll fix them. Lokar: [drily] Oh, yes. I'm CERTAIN that writing an obscure little story will make "them" - whoever "they" are - sit up and take notice. > I know one guest who would prove the worst nightmare of any talk show > host on earth... Lokar: Bobcat Goldthwaite. Brak: William Shatner? Zorak: Carrot Top! > Gadget Hackwrench. All: Oh. Brak: She was my second guess. > The fact is, she is immaculate. And here, Sally Jessy Raphael has invited > her to talk, mostly because rumors are circulating that she and Chip are a > tad too friendly for their own good. Brak: Huh? You can never be too friendly! Zorak: Oh, shuttup, Brak. > Rescue Ranger aficionados know it's > bull, Zorak: Yikes! If it's a bull and a mouse they're talking about, no WONDER they're "too friendly for their own good"! Lokar: The story has only begun, and already I am disgusted. Brak: Wait, that *can't* be what it meant. Lokar: I wasn't referring to the story. [glaring at Zorak] I was referring to HIM. [Zorak snickers evilly] > but Sally just can't resist the chance to make a very popular Disney > Afternoon character look horrible. Zorak: Too late! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! > And so, Gadget finds herself sitting in a chair in front of sixty people > one lazy morning in Los Angeles. Brak: [Gadget] Golly, how'd I get here? Have I been sleepwalking again? > She is extremely nervous, so she makes > herself a cup of Penzoil tea in the staff cafeteria Brak: Is Gadget related to Robotnik? > and sips it as she waits > to be introduced. Lokar: Gadget, this is utter humiliation. Humiliation, meet Gadget. > "Ladies and gentlemen," begins Sally Jessy Raphael, "my next guest is > also here for our topic of on-the-job affairs. Brak: Who was the guest before her? Zorak: Blip. > Please welcome Disney cartoon > character, charitable worker, and all-around freak, Lokar: What a particularly *redundant* introduction. > Gadget from > Disney's Rescue Rangers!" > "Hello!" Gadget says to the audience, calmer now and trying to be > sociable. Lokar: [Sally] Drat, after all that time I spent working the audience into a frenzy, that mouse tranquilizes them with a single word! > "Why doesn't our guest tell us a little about herself?" asks Sally. Lokar: [Gadget] Perhaps because you're speaking of her in the third person? > Gadget replies, "Well, I don't like talking about myself, which isn't to > say that I don't like talking, but I'm only slightly blonde and I really > dislike most songs by Color Me Badd, especially I-Wanna-I'm-not-saying-" > (she fidgets nervously in her chair and reaches for her cup of Penzoil tea,) > "-but I really like inventing things and I'm finding solice and peace > learning Pascal on my slightly refurbished Commodore Pet." Brak: [Gadget, ditzily] And if I win the Mouse America pageant I'll use my title to end world hunger. > "Pretty moral." Sally circles Gadget's chair, eyeing her coldly and > making her edgy again. [Zorak start humming the theme to "Jaws"] > "So Gadget," prods Sally, leaning over the mouse's > small frame, "what's the scoop on Chip n' Dale?" Brak: [Gadget] I really like their furniture. > "Beg pardon?" asks Gadget, never in a steamy frame of mind. > "Chip n' Dale. Any heat added lately to the twisted love triangle between > you three? Dale jealous of Chip? Chip jealous of Dale? Zorak: Gadget jealous because of- Lokar: Oh, REALLY. This is, after all, a DISNEY production. > Any serious snuggling > between you and the leader of your little group?" Brak: Snugglebunnies! Snugglebunnies! Snugglebunnies! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Lokar: [to Brak] Are you in need of a cold shower? > "Well," admits Gadget, obviously spilling a cardinal sin, "I did hug Chip > when he found my gear collection that I lost under my bed." All: O-o-o-o-o-ooh. > Sally is nervous. "Would you say that Chip has feelings for you? Or is he > callous and selfish?" Zorak: [Gadget] Oh, he's a real jerk. But don't tell him I said so, OK? > "Golly, I wouldn't go that far. Actually, he's kinda mean to Dale once in > a while, but they always make up." Brak: [Gadget] I even let them borrow my blush and mascara. > "So, are you simply an object of his desires? Lokar: [Sally] Are you now, or have you ever been, engaged in an act of... ah... 'snugglebunnies'? [Brak and Zorak laugh. Lokar looks embarrassed] > And please, Gadget, no > petroleum-based beverages on the set. Our lights are hot." Zorak: [Sally] Where's that stage manager? I'm gonna kick his hinder for this! > "Sorry." Gadget puts the teacup on the edge of a nearby table. It falls > off promptly. Zorak: And sets the studio on fire, burning everyone to death. Lokar: And the average intelligence of the nation rises by a fraction of a percent. > "Object of his desires? Hmmidunno. There was that one time he > asked me to wear a bunny suit." Brak: [frightened] Oh no... Lokar: What is so alarming about an anthropomorphic costume? > Sally is ecstatic! "What happened?! What happened then?!" Brak: There was another story with an evil bunny suit, and... [covers his face with his hands and sniffles] Zorak: What's so bad about that? Who wrote it? [Brak whispers to Zorak. Zorak recoils.] Zorak: EWWWWW! > "Well, actually, we were all doing it. We were infiltrating a hutch of > terrorist hares in New Zealand and we needed disguises." Brak: Oh, yeah? Well, if the rest of the Rescue Rangers followed lemmings off a cliff, would you!? > The audience roars. Gadget doesn't notice. Sally is beginning to sweat. Brak: A shot rang out. Zorak: The maid screamed. Brak: A pirate ship appeared on the horizon. Zorak: Millions of miles away, people were starving. > The Penzoil tea is oozing through the soles of her shoes, making her nylons > blotchy. Lokar: Exactly *how much* tea did Gadget have in one mouse-sized cup? > She has to wrench something from her guest before Geraldo wins the > best rating of the day with his tattoo-covered communist lesbian satanic > motorcyclist anarchistic vegetarian young women with 79-year-old spouses. Zorak: [interested] What station? > "Gadget!" she blurts. "Don't lie to me now. Are you living in sin with > Chip?" Zorak: [J. Edgar Hoover] Are you now, or have you ever been, dating outside your species? > "No." Gadget, bless her heart, cannot grasp the meaning of the attack. Lokar: Ah, yes, yet another lovable moron for the television audiences to fawn over. [glares at Brak] > "I'm living in an oak tree with Chip, and Dale, and Monty, and Zipper. We > all work and live together-" > "Aha! A commune!" Zorak: [Gadget, in a Russian accent] Bozhe moi! You've found me out! > "No, I said an oak." > "Listen, how dense are you?" Lokar: Were she any denser, she would collapse into her own gravitational field. > Sally snorts hot air down her guest's > overall shirt. Brak: [Gadget] Ew. I woulda loaned you my hanky. > "I'm trying to get you to say that you are having an affair > with your boss! Is that so hard?" Lokar: [Gadget] No. > Gadget is astonished. "Affair? Chip? It never crossed my mind. Besides, > that would be lying!" Brak: [Gadget] I meant what I said and I said what I meant, a mousie is faithful, one hundred percent. > "Oh, yeah?" Sally feels the intoxicating sensation of an impending kill. Zorak: Finally, the story's getting interesting! [licks his beak] > "Never crossed your mind? Surely with three and a half eligible men around, > you must have had some thoughts..." Brak: And a HALF? Huh? Zorak: Monty just hasn't been the same since that accident with the cheese wheel. > "Urgh..." The mouse is slipping. Brak: 'Cause she's got Penzoil all over her fanny. > "C'mon, Gadget," pokes Sally. The intensity is extraordinary. The tea is > up to her knees. Lokar: Apparently, in this oeuvre the "bottomless cup of tea" is a literal reality. > "Spill the beans! Tell us your wildest, most sinful, most > unDisneylike fantasy!" Brak: [Sally] And if you won't tell, you hafta eat this bug! > Gadget can withhold no longer. Passionately she stands, bold and > shameless, and declares, Brak: [Scarlett O'hara] As God is my witness, I will never be hungry again! > "It's kissing Kevin Costner." She inhales. > "On the nose." Zorak: Ewwww. Kevin Costner? Brak: I feel icky. > There is a dead silence. Sally turns this over very slowly in her mind. [Zorak imitates engine starting noises.] > Here is her guest, who is not having any affairs, cannot be tricked into > saying she is having any affairs, cannot be threatened into saying she is > having any affairs, Zorak: Hey! Give ME a shot at her before ya give up! > and whose best grasp of immorality is giving Robin of > Locksley a smooch on the beak! This is insane! Lokar: And the concept of a live human interviewing a cartoon character is not? Brak: Yeah! It ain't like it's the other way around! > "Please don't judge me too harshly," Gadget entreats. "I assume more > than a few women in America think Kevin Costner has a cute nose. I didn't > mean to be obscene or anything." Lokar: Perhaps a bit of therapy is in order, to reorient Gadget toward members of her own genus. > "YES!" Sally hops up and down. "Every woman in America thinks Kevin > Costner has a cute nose! That's not interesting! That's not entertainment! > Give us some dirt! Some filth! Some body fluids!" Zorak: Yeah! Piddle on the stage, Gadget! > "Yech!" > "Do you really think people are interested in something that trivial and > mindless? Lokar: The mere presence of programming such as this on the airwaves answers its own question. > We are in the entertainment business!!" Her prey has escaped, the > audience is starving for juicy slander, and Penzoil itches like crazy. She > feels a tightness in her stomach she most often attributed to intestinal > flu. Lokar: If I might make an aside- Brak: Sure, buddy. Lokar: Thank you. To all budding authors: colorful, descriptive writing, while normally beneficial to one's literary efforts, CAN be taken too far. > Sally simply has got to make this rodent admit to some sin- any sin. Zorak: [J. Edgar Hoover] Do you now, or have you ever, worn clothes of mixed fibers? > "Can't you think," she wheezes, "of another body part?" > "Spleen?" Gadget guesses. Brak: She wants to kiss Kevin Costner's *spleen*? > The moderator takes a deep breath, lets it out, and thinks for a moment. Brak: [Sally] Lamaze classes ain't just for havin' kids any more. > She smiles. She has a horrible yet incredible idea. "Oh Gadget?" she sings > sweetly. "It's time to move on to the next topic on our program today..." Zorak: [Sally] So get your butt off the stage! > "Mm hm?" The Ranger is observing the spill which is spreading madly and > now squishes between her toes. Brak: And floating the chair she's sittin' in offa the stage. > "How would you answer to allogations from a very reliable source that-" > (Gadget is munching on a cookie from the table,) Zorak: [Beavis] Huh-huh-huh-huh, Gadget munches. > "-the Rescue Rangers are no > more than a common vigilante group and threaten the course of federal and > local law enforcement?" Lokar: Not to mention beneath the notice of the human world. > Crumbs go flying. Gadget sputters, her chair nearly falls backwards, and > she bolts upright, staring knives ot Sally, keeping her limbs still with > difficulty. Lokar: It is my inexplicable pleasure to present the Tex Avery memorial award for the wildest take to Gadget Hackwrench. > "What did you say?" Sally grins. This the fool understands. Brak: Ya see, she said that the Rangers were breakin' the law, not enforcing it. > "That's right," the host sneers, "a flock of outlaws Zorak: Isn't it a swarm of outlaws? Brak: I think it's a gaggle. Zorak: Or a pride. Lokar: A *herd* of outlaws. Brak: A what? Lokar: Herd of outlaws. Brak: Of course I've heard of outlaws! Ah ha ha ha ha! Ho boy! [As Brak laughs Lokar puts a hand to his forehead and looks heavenward in an attitude of suffering.] > who get in the way > of police, who destroy public and private property, who waste the taxes > hardworking Americans-" (she juts out her chest) Lokar: And let us never forget that talk show hosts are among the hardest working citizens of all. [Pause. Then all three laugh loudly.] > "-spend on law enforcement > and public works!" She is applauded fiercely and cold eyes survey Gadget the > anarchist. Brak: Gadget's one of the signs of the Apocalypse?! > "We'll be back with more of the truth on these would-be heroes > after this commercial break." Zorak: I'm Joy Mangano, and you will be SO happy if you order your Rolykit today. Brak: Hissing, steaming, rumbling, roaring down the track- Zorak: Jay Jay's gentle adventures inspire and educate, not overstimulate. Brak: Boo Boo Baba Dee Dee! Brak & Zorak: We want The Big Comfy Couch! We want The Big Comfy Couch! [Lokar visibly retrains himself from screaming, nearly pulling his antennae out at the roots in the process] > The hate has evaporated from Gadget's countenence. It is she who now has > intestinal cramps. Brak: [Gadget] Ooo, maybe drinkin' motor oil ain't such a good idea. > She is shaking uncontrollably as she staggers offstage > with Sally's laughter ringing in her large ears. Zorak: Unable to face the shame and humiliation, Gadget flaps her ears and flies away from the circus. > She is sheet-white as Chip > sees her in the hallway. He catches her as she is about to fall on her nose. Brak: [Gadget] How'd my nose get down there on the floor? > "I'm going to vomit," she groans. Chip, taking her quite literally, > releases her and she slumps down the wall to the floor. Brak: And then he takes off running, 'cause, yuck! > When it is obvious > to him that she is morbidly joking and he is safe, he pulls her inert form > up off the floor. He is furious and scared, and she is just plain scared. Zorak: [Chip] How dare you pretend you're going to throw up! Brak: [Gadget] Don't hurt me! I'll try harder to barf! Gimme a second! > "They can't do this. You can't let her drag us through the mud," Chip > demands. Brak: [Gadget] Yeah, well, YOU try playing tug-of-war against a human, Mr. Macho Munk! > Gadget half-comprehends. "We agreed to the first topic so anyone in > their right mind could see that nothing horrible is going on in our ranks. Lokar: And what could be as reprehensible as a perfectly normal liaison between a pair of consenting adults of somewhat similar species? > But, Good Lord, Gadget! You have to stop that... that banshee of day TV!" Zorak: [Gadget] Oh, yeah, I'll just go do that. Don't offer to HELP me or anything. > "Umpgh," she replies. She shuts her eyes, hoping somehow to awaken in > her own bed, grab a stuffed animal, and try for a good dream this time. Brak: [Gadget] There's no place like home. There's no place like home. > "Come on, open them baby blues." The coach shakes some consciousness into > his starting guard. "We got a job to do. Listen, the guys are working on a > plan to get us out of this mess and you have to be alive enough to absorb it > before the break is over." Brak: Huh, I never woulda guessed Gadget would dream about being a football player. > He softens. "Can you do it? The Rangers are > counting on you." Zorak: Yeesh. They oughtta call themselves "Gadget's Rescue Wusses." > Gadget is regaining her normal color and has stopped shaking. Brak: [Gadget] I oughtta switch to decaf Penzoil. > Slowly she > straightens out and stands on her own, exhaling sharply and running a paw > through her bangs. "If you get me some caffeine," she suggests, "I think > I'll be able to do it." Lokar: Ah. A love affair is not to be admitted to, but dependence upon chemical stimulants is. BS&P; becomes more inscrutable every year. > "Atta girl." Chip hugs her. "Let's go. We don't have a microsecond to > lose." Brak: [Dot Matrix] Just a nano! > They walk down the hall together. "Why did you mention Costner > anyway?" > "Golly, I wanted to be honest." Lokar: [to Brak and Zorak] Do NOT mention rishathra. Brak: Huh? Zorak: What're you talking about? Lokar: Er... nothing. > Sally grins to herself as Makeup smears base on her forehead. Brak: Makeup's parents must have had a funny sense of humor. > At last, > she has the Rescue Rangers and their PR rep right where she wants them. Lokar: So, she is simply one more link in a long line of ridiculous villains whose existences are focused upon the degradation of their chosen foes. [All three look at each other. They sigh.] > And her special guests, sure to deepen the vortex of public loathing the > Rangers are being thrust into, have just arrived. Thank God for jet > airplanes. Brak: [deep voice] No problem. > Now her ratings will skyrocket, and stations across the country > will replace that sniveling little cartoon for brats with... maybe a cartoon > about her! Lokar: Which would, most likely, be more believable than the original. > She struts onstage with complete confidence. Brak: [stage whisper] Psst, Sally... XYZ. > Gadget is there too, but Sally is surprised and dissatisfied to see her > confidently sitting and facing the audience. The audience is surprised too. Zorak: [audience member] Hey, look! Her fly's open! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! > The crowd is hushed. Sally begins at the cue. Brak: [Sally] Six ball in the side pocket. > "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest today to discuss Ranger > vandalism, destruction and tax wasting, Professor Norton Nimnul. Welcome, > Professor." Brak: Ooo, is he gonna show us the radio he made out of coconuts? > "Thanks, Sally." He grins at her. > Sally turns away hastily. Zorak: Dee-NIED. > "And now, Professor, You claim that the Rescue > Rangers are interfering with policemen wherever they travel?" > "Yep. I saw it. They're always sneaking into precincts, stealing police > files, and eating all the cheese that our honest police force pays for." Lokar: However, rodents have no taste for doughnuts, so the police have not seen fit to pursue the case. > "We gain access by perfectly legitimate mouseholes," Gadget retorts, Lokar: Would anyone care to expound upon how damage caused by vermin can be deemed "perfectly legitimate'? > "we > take cases the police throw out because they're too big or small Zorak: [policeman] Gotta throw that case back, Jed. It's under the legal size limit. > or in the > wrong part of town, and the cheese... I can't vouch for. But I might add, Brak: [Gadget] If I can find my calculator. > Nimnul, the only reason you've seen us 'committing crimes' is because you're > always doing time in our home precinct." Brak: Animals have precincts? Lokar: They have territories. Zorak: [Gadget] It took forever for us to claim the whole city! > The audience mutters. "And by the way," Gadget addresses them, "did you > ever hear about the time Professor Police Interference turned two guys from > 5th precinct into copsicles? We had to blow the fuses in three blow dryers > before they were thawed out-" Zorak: Copsicles. Now THAT sounds tasty! [licks his beak] > "Thank you, Professor Nimnul." Sally is edgy. "Next up is Mr. Fat Cat, a > leading authority on Ranger misdeeds. Now, Mr. Fat, you say the Rangers > cause massive property damage?" Brak: Aw, c'mon! A human talking to a mouse is silly enough! Now a talking *cat*? [Lokar looks at Brak.] Zorak: [to Lokar] Skip it. > "Oh, massive." Fat Cat stares coldly at Gadget, who seizes the > opportunity and fulfills her lifelong dream of sticking her tongue out at > him. Lokar: I see that Gadget cherishes high ambitions indeed. > The audience responds favorably. "You see?" Fat Cat points. "You see > what rogues these Rescue Rodents are? Why, just the other day, they told > moles to dig under my home, nearly destroying the foundation! Lokar: Which happened to be on quicksand, but where I build my property is my prerogative. > "O, that little thing?" The mouse yawns. "Probably just retaliation since > you convinced those same moles to destroy half the city in similar fashion." Brak: Y'know, I bet those moles are sorry they ever got caught in the middle of all this business. > To this the audience responds less favorably. Fat Cat shifts in his > chair. "Wake up, America! Sally here is asking you to idolize these > criminals, Brak: Uh, no, she isn't. She's just asking us to hate a mouse. > who we fight every day of our lives." Zorak: [Gadget] You'd think we'd get a few crummy days off for New Year's, but NO! > Fat Cat slinks away. > "Beat it, mouse! You're wrecking my show!" the host hisses. Zorak: Gadget jumps up and whacks Fat Cat with chair! Lokar: You're confusing Sally Jessy Raphael with Jerry Springer. Zorak: [to Lokar] How do YOU know about that, Mr. Masterpiece Theater? > Gadget gives her a charming grimace. Brak: [Grimace] Duhh, I like hamburgers. > "Listen, everyone," she continues. > "We Rescue Rangers don't try to break the law, we try to work with it. > We don't try to cause damage, but sometimes we have to to save a life. Zorak: And what's such a big deal about a lousy few humans? You got over five billion spares! > And > I didn't come here to ruin this show Zorak: [Caesar] I came to bury it. > (of course, it was a nice fringe > benefit.) I just came here to tell you that.. we're working for you, and we > need you to give us a chance." Brak: [Ed Koch] How'm I doin'? > Dead silence. Brak: [singing] Not a sound from the pavement... > "That's all." Gadget, the fire of inspired oratorio gone, has realized > that she's just given a dramatic speech in front of a zillion people. She's > white again. Brak: Narf! > But the audience is clapping. Some are hooting. Brak: 'Cause half the audience is owls. Zorak: Who are waiting to swoop down and devour the Rangers. > All Gadget can do is > smile a little with relief, and Sally is nowhere to be found. Zorak: She got outta the story while the getting was good. Lokar: Yet *Gadget* is supposed to be the intellectual of this story? > The episode of Sally Jessy Raphael broadcasts two weeks later, to a > stunning review by the Rescue Rangers. Zorak: [Chip] Watch this show or I'll getcha with a cattle prod! > "Where do they come up with these guests?" asks Dale. "The last two were > real geeks." Brak: [Gadget] And those poor chickens! > Chip looks at Gadget, who is recluding at the other end of the couch. Brak: Recluding? Is that a sniglet? Zorak: Maybe it means "re-including". Lokar: More likely, reclining in a secluded location. > He moves over to her side. "I'm really proud of you," he says kindly. > "You did what you had to. And pretty darn well, one might add." Lokar: [Chip] And, amazingly enough, without endangering anyone's life. Brak: What about that Penzoil flood? > "Golly." The mouse blushes. "Thanks, Chip." > "Hey!" Dale rushes over. "Chip, you always hog all the hugs. Mouse > sandwich!" And Gadget, between and betwixt her friends, is happy. Brak: Aw, that's sweet. Zorak: I'm getting this on film for Sally Jessy Raphael. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! > You'd think that, with the destruction of the Sally Jessy Raphael show, > the other sleaze peddlers would wise up and leave our heroes be. Brak: [singing] Speaking words of wisdom, let them be, let them be. > But no, > I think Geraldo is having some show on excessive/compulsive behavior, and > I hear he's invited Monterey Jack and a few wheels of Edam over. Zorak: And then the Rescue Rangers sank so low, they got booked on "Space Ghost Coast to Coast"! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! > Well, come > what may, the Rescue Rangers will once again make our world a little safer > and a little better to live in. Zorak: I'll betcha that right after this show the sale of mousetraps increased dramatically. [The words scroll upward off the screen.] Moltar: [voiceover] That was Tansit's... thing. [The monitor fuzzes into static. Tansit enters the Green Room.] Tansit: Wasn't that just *awful*? Brak: Nah, it wasn't so bad. Lokar: There is a dramatic difference between the pedestrian asininity of the average amateur author, and the truly memorable efforts of the extraordinarily untalented. Tansit: Huh? Zorak: He means, "Booooo-ring." Tansit: Oh, come on! In "Rescue Rangers" animals were animals and humans were humans! They never talked to each other, they couldn't! But here it's like there's no difference! Zorak: FAAAAN-BOY! Brak: Hey... did something look familiar about Nimnul? Lokar: No. Tansit: What do you mean? Brak: Nimnul is a short, chubby, funny looking scientist with big glasses and red hair. Think he's related to Dexter? Tansit: Hey, maybe you got something there! Lokar: Is it not enough to read those horrid stories? Must we DISCUSS them as well? Zorak: If you can't take the heat, play another game of cards. Lokar: A capital suggestion. [Lokar takes a deck of cards out from behind his back - say, beneath his wings.] Let's play with a fresh deck. Tansit: [nervously] Er... Zorak: I like the *old* ones. [Brak looks closely as Lokar breaks the seal on the deck and takes out the cards.] Brak: [relieved] Hey, it's okay. These are the same as the other ones. Lokar: [suspiciously] And why should that matter? Brak: Oh... just 'cause, uh... they're pretty. [Lokar frowns at Brak for a moment, then begins shuffling the deck The four take their places at the card table, and as Lokar begins dealing. The camera pans away to the monitor screen.] / | | / |/| / | | / ___________|/|____________ | ______________________ |\ | |J#~#-####*###-##*###+#| | | | |##*#.##-#.##-#.##~##*#| | | | |##+###+##~##+###+#*###| | | | |##-#.##+##.-###-####-#| | | | |#-###-###+#W######-## | | | | |##~#*###-*###*#+#.####| | | | |###~#+#~.##-######~###| | | | |##-#*###-#*~##-#~#.##%| | | | |##+##*#+##+#-##.###+##| | | | |#~##*#####-###~*####*6| | | | ________________________ |/ This MiSTing is copyright (c) by the author, JenWhite6@aol.com. "Interview with the Mouse" is copyright (c) by Candy Courtnier. Gadget, Chip, Dale, Zipper, Monterey Jack, Fat Cat, and Professor Nimnul are (c) Disney. Moltar, Zorak, Tansit, Lokar, Brak, and Dexter are copyright (c) Hanna- Barbera. Sally Jessy Raphael is copyright (c) herself. This MiSTing was done in the name of fun, and no malice is intended to anyone. Actually, I kinda like the original story! You can find it in the "Everything Rescue Ranger" page (http://www.cybercomm.net/~paltiel/CDRR/EverythingRR/Fanwork.html#Ffcc). > Give us some dirt! Some filth! Some body fluids!"