MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 1-3 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey [Insert Mystery Science Theater 3000 Castle-era opening here... TWANG!] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. The bridge is littered with various pieces of lumber, as well as all sorts of construction tools: hammers, chisels, paintbrushes, saws, cordless screwdrivers, etc. Crow and Tom are running to and fro in the background, each with tools in their hands. Crow is wearing a red smock and a painter's hat; Tom is wearing a baseball cap and a blue smock. Mike enters from the left; he is wearing a white shirt and a paint-stained pair of blue overalls.] MIKE: Hello, everyone. Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. It's been rather busy around here lately. You see, the 'bots have been so intrigued by this home-improvement show called "Trading Spaces", they've decided to do it themselves and decorate *each other's* rooms. Only they don't have working arms, so they've nominated *me* to be their carpenter. I've been fixing up their old furniture for a week! Man, if I ever see a mortise-and-tenon joint again, I'll... [The robots appear on stage, each on either side of Mike.] CROW: We're done! Yay! MIKE: Oh, thank God--I mean, done so soon, guys? TOM: Sure thing, Mike! It was no problem at all once I got into the groove! Yep, with just a few simple tricks I got off the DIY channel, I turned Crow's dingy old room into a bedchamber fit for a king! CROW: Likewise, Mike. Servo's room looked like the set of "Junkyard Wars" before I gave it my own personal touch. Thanks to me, it's now a swinging bachelor pad the chicks will surely go wild for! Now to kick back some brewskis and tune into some Bob Vila reruns... MIKE: Well, don't you want to see your rooms first? That was the whole point of all of this, wasn't it? TOM: Oh yeah, huh? I'd almost forgotten about that. CROW: I can't wait to see my new "royal bedchamber"! See ya later, Tom! [Crow and Tom cross each other behind Mike and exit. The sound of Crow's footsteps and Tom's hoverskirt can be heard, softening to a light whisper, followed by the simultaneous opening of two metal doors. Then all is silent for about ten seconds.] TOM and CROW: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGHHHH!!!!! [Tom and Crow rush back to the bridge.] TOM and CROW: [to each other, but screaming in Mike's ear] WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM? CROW: What do you mean, "I did?" My room is a disgrace, thanks to you! TOM: "Swinging bachelor pad", huh? I'd like to swing you--from the nearest rope! MIKE: [still reeling from the verbal assault] What are you guys talking about? CROW: Underpants, Mike, underpants! There's underpants all over the room! TOM: He painted my room *yellow* and *green*, Mike! And he replaced all of my hardwood antiques with inflatable chairs, and he took down my Mona Lisa and put up a Farrah Fawcett poster! My "tacky" sensors are going haywire, captain! CROW: And why, oh, why are there all those beer cans and hamdinger wrappers piled up by the wall? What did you do, have a party in my room and forget to take out the trash? TOM: That's my modern art sculpture, Crow. I've been working for months on it. It represents Man's insatiable thirst for knowledge in a world filled with meaty yet ephemeral falsehoods... not like peons like you would ever understand true art. I'll also have you know that I made a very nice set of Roman blinds over all the portholes. CROW: Oh, you must mean those pairs of happy-face boxer shorts you have tacked to the windows... Now every passing spaceship will think I'm some sort of weirdo! And what did you do with my bed? TOM: I thought you liked race-car beds, Crow. It's a lot cooler than the puce-colored plaid Naugahyde futon you put in my room! CROW: I like race-car beds, but did you have to make it TODDLER SIZE? [Stands erect to his full height, nearly reaching Mike's shoulder] Do I look like a TODDLER to you? TOM: And I suppose I look like a sicko hentai pervert to you! Did you have to hang up *every* centerfold in your collection? CROW: Grrr, that tears it!!! [Tom and Crow rush at each other, but Mike holds them at bay.] MIKE: Sheesh... we'll be right back... [Commercial Sign: Do you have bad credit? No credit? Bankruptcy? Reposessions? Foreclosures? Felony convictions? Does even your own family not trust you anymore? Never fear, you can still apply for a No-Hassle credit card! Isn't getting your credit rating back on track worth the cost of your immortal soul, first-born child and eternal servitude? We thought so. Sign up today!] [SOL Bridge. Crow and Tom are still bickering. Mike is nowhere to be found.] TOM: And furthermore, unless you get rid of that hidden speaker playing nothing but Luther Vandross slow jams... CROW: Only when *you* take out that damn Interocitor that's stuck on the Metaluna polka station! [Mike runs in.] MIKE: *huff, pant* I think I know what went wrong, you guys. CROW: I know what went wrong! Servo's a total dickweed. TOM: And Crow is a gold-plated buffoon who has all the fashion sense of a blind man's brothel! MIKE: Guys, guys! I took a look in each of your rooms... Crow's room looks exactly like Tom's room did, and vice versa! Just as if you took all the furniture in one room and just put it in the other! CROW: Huh... I was wondering where I was finding all of that cool stuff! MIKE: So all you have to do is switch rooms and you'll both be happy again! TOM: Awwww... but Crow's room is so far away from the bathroom... MIKE: *sigh* You're a robot. You don't even use the bathroom. [Mads light flashes] Oh, Anna Ryder-Richardson and the Phils are calling. [Castle Forrester. Pearl is holding a very large printout in her hands.] PEARL: Oh hey there, Tool Men. Do you know what time it is? [SOL.] MIKE: Um... Tool Time? [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: Not exactly, Nelford. It's time to kiss your puny wills goodbye!!! For I have found... the Fic! The One Fic to Rule Them All! [Bobo and Observer start chanting in a dark, menacing tongue, scarce heard since the Black Years of ages past. A shadow seems to pass over Pearl, illuminating her in evil darkness.] PEARL: I found it in a most unlikely place... a dark cave from which the light of day never intrudes. I had to wrestle an impish little creature for it... BOBO & OBSERVER: Ash fanfic durbatuluk.... [SOL Bridge. Mike and the bots are stunned.] MIKE: Um, Pearl? You didn't go to fanfiction.net again, did you? TOM: Yeah, didn't we warn you the last time that it would warp your brain? [Castle Forrester.] BOBO & OBSERVER: Ash fanfic gimbatul... PEARL: [wicked grin] Oh, if only you knew... for in this fic contains the power to rend the heavens asunder, to bend the entire universe to its incredible power! BOBO & OBSERVER: Ash fanfic thrakatuluk... PEARL: It will twist you to its will... it will bind you to the eternal darkness and make you a wraithish slave of terror! In the Common Tongue it is called "Legolas, Back To The Future", but on its brow is written DOOM! Let's just say it will make you see a certain Lord of the Rings character in a whole new light! And did I mention that it's 28,000 words long? Guwaa-haa-haa! BOBO: Ash fanfic Cool Hand Luke! Ash fanfic Pikachu! OBSERVER: [to Bobo] Oh, now you're just making stuff up! Shouldn't I send them the fic now, madam? [tries to take the printout] PEARL: [grabs the printout back violently] No! My precious! My preciousssss! [pause] Oh, wait. [SOL Bridge. Sirens blare. A new disco ball Crow installed comes down and fills the room with shiny spots of light.] ALL: AAAAUGH!!! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!! TOM: [looks up at the disco ball] Now hey, that's pretty-- [Mike grabs him and they all run into the theater.] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > Legolas, Back to the Future CROW: And again with the wacky crossovers. Jeez, you'd think these guys'd learn... MIKE: [Legolas] They've found me! I don't know how, but they've found me! Run for it, Gimli! TOM: [Gimli] Who? Who? MIKE: [Legolas] Who do you think? The fangirls!!!! > Author: Destinygurl MIKE: It is your destiny... to write a stupid fanfic... that will crush our souls... TOM: Uh, Mike, could you please-- MIKE: With terrible demons within waiting to devour us piece by fleshy piece and tentacle monsters who-- PEARL: [over intercom] Emergency trance-like state disrupter thing *activate*! [Mike's cup holder is set to overturn, spilling the contents into his lap.] MIKE: Ah ah ah ah! COLDCOLDCOLDCOLD! Why, Pearl? WHY?!? It's hard enough to keep my sanity without you trying to-- [Mike's cup refills with McDonalds' Coffee of Crotch-Searing(TM).] MIKE: ...I'll be good. CROW: Heh heh, that ruled! MIKE: WELL, YES, FOR *YOU*... [The cup wobbles dangerously. Mike whimpers.] > PG TOM: Well, that's a relief... CROW: ...it's a change of pace, at least... > - English TOM: Hey Pearl? One of these days, ya gotta send us a fanfic entirely written in ancient Greek. Wouldn't that be cool? PEARL: [over intercom] Aww, but that would defeat the entire point! If you couldn't understand it, then you couldn't be made insane by it! MIKE: Exactly! PEARL: [over intercom] Uh huh. Well Nelson, since this evil mad scientist doesn't take requests, suppose you could get back to the pain, and the suffering, and the, uh, "Oh my god, my virgin eyes!" and, uh, that stuff huh? MIKE: You're no fun. PEARL: [over intercom] Aww, Miiike, that's hurtful! You shouldn't say nasty things like that! > - General/Humor CROW: "Humor"? "HUMOR"?!? You wanna see "humor", fic? Suck this! > - Reviews: 5 - MIKE: Well, I guess you could consider this a review... > Publish date: 02-22-03 - TOM: Hey, that's pretty recent. Pearl, are you running out of fics? PEARL: [over intercom, amused] Nelson, freaks, you should know that there is a *never-ending supply* of pathetic fanfics. ALL: Yeah, I guess you're right, uh huh. > Updated: 03-10-03 CROW: So this "28,000-word epic" took only two and a half weeks to write? TOM: Be afraid... be very afraid... > story id: 1245772 MIKE: [announcer] Please refer to this number for all correspondence regarding the fanfic. CROW: Oh, you mean like this: "Eat me, 1245772!" TOM: No, more like this: "Return to the stygian abyss from which you were demon-spawned, 1245772!" CROW: That works, I suppose... > 1. Arrivals CROW: And here are this fall's new arrivals in Middle Earth. You'll find these stylish faux hobbit-hair sandals, to protect those sensitive feet whether you're climbing Mount Doom or prancing through the Shire! TOM: Next up is this stylish Lothlorien silk number, straight from our popular Arwen line! Who says that immortality can't be stylish? > Disclsimer: MIKE: The Well-Tempered Disclsmier, by J.S. Bach. [Dead silence.] MIKE: Okay, fellas, don't freak out! She DOES get points for HAVING a disclaimer... TOM: But... CROW: But... MIKE: I know, I know, it isn't that big a-- CROW: Mike, she misspelled the word disclaimer! You just don't *do* that! MIKE: Relax, relax! TOM: The first word of the fic has been misspelled... this is bad... MIKE: RELAX! > I don't own anything from the Lord Of The Rings' MIKE: [Destinygurl] *sniff* I don't even own a Frodo coloring book... > This story is only CROW: ...punishment for our sins in another life. > for my enjoymentand the enjoyment of people reading. TOM: Well, it's bound to fail on one of those counts... CROW: So, if we don't enjoy it, we can't watch it! Yay! (starts to walk out) MIKE: (pulls him back in) Oh, no you don't! > > > TOM: And remember, if you die of boredom reading this fanfic, you do not get a free coffin. > I was sitting in my living room with my best friend Carolyn, we were > watching Lord of the rings for the thousandth time TOM: [to the tune of "Wet Dream" by Kip Addotta] ~ My Sony Playstation was in the shop so... I was using a rented Panasonic... and it was overheating. ~ CROW: [truant officer] Can you girls please explain to me why these doctor's notes say "infected with Tolkien fever"? > when all of a sudden the power went out, TOM: And she was eaten by a grue. The end! MIKE: You know, sudden loss of power for no reason is the first sign that you're in a survival horror game. CROW: Great. I bet she'll just *have* to go down into the *basement* next, right? *Right*? > it was pitch black. CROW: Vin Diesel is Frodo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings: The Fast and the Furious Saving of Private xXx! > "Carolyn where are you?" I called. CROW: [Crystal] I need some help from you now! MIKE: Crow!!!! *swings his fist* Enough with your hentai-- CROW: What, what? It was a Scooby-Doo riff! Honest! MIKE: It is? Oh, sorry, never mind then. > "Over here, Crystal, by the window." Carolyn answered MIKE: Carolyn, no! You have too much to live for! TOM: What are you talking about, Mike? She's the sideshow in a bad Mary Sue fanfic! MIKE: Well, in that case... jump, Carolyn, jump! Get out of there while you still have time! > "Come here we have to find some matches or a flashlight." > > We began to grope around CROW: [quickly] -on each other- > in the darkness without much luck. CROW: [Crystal] Then we remembered we had to take off our clothes first. [Pause.] MIKE: Did you write this fic? CROW: Heck no! MIKE: Shut up then. > CRASH! CROW: Agh, they're being assaulted by an onomatopeoia! > "Oops I hope mom didn't want that lamp anymore." ALL: ... TOM: [Crystal] Damn, I can't believe I knocked that over! Jeez! CROW: [Carolyn] But Crystal, those lamps are really heavy and won't overturn without a pretty big-- TOM: [Crystal] Accident! CROW: [Carolyn] But I *saw* you walk over to that lamp and deliberately knock it over! TOM: [Crystal] ACCIDENT! CROW: [Carolyn] Crystal, you wrote down what you were going to do on this piece of-- TOM: [Crystal] *ACCIDENT*! > MIKE: [singing] ~ Mystery Science Theater.... three thouuuusaaaannnddd!!! ~ > TWANG! TOM: Man... how *does* he do that? MIKE: I'm just gifted that way, I suppose. > An arrow whizzed passed my head and hit the wall. MIKE: I guess she *did* want that lamp! TOM: My name is Chris Jussel. You killed my Tiffany lamp. Prepare to die! > POP! ALL: ~ GOES THE WEASEL!!! ~ MIKE: "Batman V: The Sound Effects Strike Back!" > The lights came on and there in my living room was Legolas > Greenleaf Prince of Mirkwood MIKE: Captain of the Kids' Crew... TOM: Heir to the throne of Essex... CROW: Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx... MIKE: ...and an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Legolas! > standing with his hands on his twin blades, MIKE: You see, the first blade lifts the head, and the second-- TOM: Hey! No pulling "Cave Dwellers" into this! MIKE: Whoops--sorry. > bow and empty quiver abandoned by his side. TOM: The bow then sued for divorce on abandonment grounds. She won big, but spent the money on therapy. Sad really. MIKE: [Legolas] Wazzaaaaaaaaap! TOM: OOO! That gives me an idea! CROW: Can it be? MIKE: You think... [drumroll] ALL: SCENE! [At "Walker, Texas Ranger" Speed (TM) a set is constructed. It is of a house.] TOM: [Crystal] Hey Carolyn, whatcha doin'? CROW: [Carolyn] Nothin' much. Watchin' the game, drinkin' a Bud. TOM: [Crystal] True, true. MIKE: [bursting through the "door", Legolas] Wwwwaaaaazzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! TOM: [Crystal] Waazaaaaaaaaap! CROW: [Carolyn] Wwaazaaaaaaaaaap! TOM: [Crystal] WAAZAAAAAAAAAP! MIKE: [Legolas] Konnichi wa! CAMBOT: [arrow] Konnichi why? ALL: [various characters] Wwwwwwaaazzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!! MIKE: [Legolas] So whatcha doin'? TOM: [Crystal] Nothin' much. Watchin' the game, drinkin' a Bud. MIKE: [Legolas] True, true. TOM: END SCENE! [There is a fifteen-second pause.] PEARL: [over intercom] What in the blue living heck was that? OBSERVER:[over intercom] Madam, I am afraid that I have no idea whatsoever. [Another long pause.] PEARL: [over intercom] I am terrified. BOBO: [over intercom] Would you like me to hold you, Lawgiver? PEARL: [over intercom, repulsed] ... I'll never be that scared, Bobo. > > ************************************* > > 2. Barking and talking CROW: Oh no - It's the new "Scooby Doo" movie! > Disclamer: See first Chapter TOM: Second Disclaimer: I'm too lazy to cut and paste. CROW: [Crystal] Can't stop for anything! Have to get this story out the door! > The sudden light seemed to daze Legolas for a second MIKE: Like a deer caught in the headlights. TOM: A common expression seen on Legolas in the presence of fangirls. > giving me time to TOM: Plunge one of Legolas' blades right into his chest! > grab Carolyn's arm CROW: [Carolyn] Owww! Bring that back! > and pull her into my room we locked the door CROW: I refuse to believe these are real girls. Wouldn't any respectable fan girl have glomped this guy into asphyxiation by now? MIKE: But he's armed! CROW: Come on, Mike, nothing short of a nuclear missile would be enough to hold off a fan girl, if that even... > and hoped he wasn't strong enough to break it open (it was only a flimsy > push lock) MIKE: God knows those large, sharp dual swords he has couldn't get through. CROW: It's a low-budget Panic Room. > "Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh" Carolyn screeched, CROW: Sheesh! *Take* a *breath*! MIKE: [Carolyn] We're in a *pickle* here! TOM: [valley girl] Like oh...ma...gawd...there is totally this elf guy in our living room? He...is such...a shshshshshshwwwwwwingerrrrr! Yeeeeeaaahhh!!! > I quickly put my hand over her mouth hoping that the blaring radio drowned > us out. MIKE: And the period makes its first appearance of the chapter! > "We have to be quiet" I hissed. CROW: [Carolyn] You don't think that radio we turned on to muffle our voices will lead him here, will it? > "But Leg-" TOM: [Crystal] --ends of the Fall is a terrible movie, I know! CROW: [Carolyn] First you grab my arm, now you want my leg too? > "Yes I know Legolas is standing out in my living room CROW: [Carolyn] No, I meant I was standing on some Legos! > but in case you didn't know he nearly skewered me CROW: [snickers] Guess the "stakes" are pretty high, then? MIKE AND TOM: Aaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhh!!! TOM: Crow, you oughtta be "skewered" for that one! CROW: Ain't I a stinker? > with and arrow and he looked about ready to kill us both MIKE: The elves of Mirkwood being widely known as mindless killers. TOM: [Legolas] So many bodies... it's like a smorgasbord of victims in here! CROW: When Good Elves Go Bad! The new FOX reality show, coming this fall! > with those twin blades of his, MIKE: Yeah, those ice skates definitely looked deadly. > also might I remind you that all you need to get into this room is a coat > hanger or a pen." TOM: Ah, so the pen *is* mightier than the sword! CROW: [Carolyn] So we're trapped in a house with a deranged elf trying to kill us, the only thing standing between him and us is a flimsy, easily opened door...so how are we safe again? [A ticking sound becomes audible.] > So we sat in silence for a few minutes trying to decipher elf footsteps > (which is impossible) TOM: But since they're author avatars, they could do it anyway! [The ticking becomes louder.] > BARK BARK BARK!!! TOM: [Douglas Adams] Due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, the author was accidentally swallowed by a small dog. > Teddy my tiny white mutt was barking frantically outside my > room. "Quiet" Legolas muttered TOM: [Elmer Fudd] Heh heh heh heh heh...we're huntin' wapdogs! [The ticking pauses, then continues louder then before.] TOM: What the heck is that? > and I heard the unsheathing of a knife. CROW: I don't know, Mike... all this talk about knives and blades and "unsheathing", it's kind of hard to resist making a comment... MIKE: [grating teeth] Crow... as soon as we get out of here... your Freudian subroutines are GONE, do you hear me?!?! TOM: Yeah, Crow, sometimes a huge blade being unsheathed is *just* a huge blade being unsheathed, OK? > Before Carolyn could stop me I ran out the door yelling CROW: [Crystal] DON'T LOOK AT MY DRAPES! I haven't redecorated yet! > "don't hurt him he's just a puppy." CROW: He's too *cute* to die! TOM: Huh...I guess Jackson cut out all the parts from the book where Legolas went on wild rampages of slaughter and bloodlust. MIKE: Puts a whole different spin on the character. [The ticking is now earsplitting.] > After my moment of insanity I CROW: ...stopped writing the story and destroyed all traces of it on my hard drive. TOM: *sigh* If only... > turned around and was staring at the blade of a very sharp knife. TOM: [Lady Macbeth] Is this a fanfic I see before me, its self-insertion towards my hand? Come, let me MiST thee... CROW: [Crystal] Wow, I didn't know they had Ginzu knives on Middle-earth... TOM: [Legolas] Slices, dices, and juliennes orcs, plus it came with that pocket fisherman! How could I go wrong? > Now it was Carolyn's turn to burst ALL: Ewwwwww! > out the door ALL: Whew! > and yell TOM: [Carolyn] I've seen her drapes! They really are terrible! > "don't hurt her she's my best friend." CROW: [Carolyn] You can't kill her! She still owes me ten bucks! [Mike leaps out of his chair, his entire head twitching violently. The ticking noise can be identified to be coming from the base of his skull.] MIKE: [screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!! TOM: Mike, maybe you should-- MIKE: [screaming] WHAT THE BLITHERING HECK IS THIS? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHY IS HE HERE? TOM: Why did the lights fail? MIKE: YES! *WHY* DID THE *LIGHTS FAIL*?!? AND *WHEN* DID *LEGOLAS* BECOME A *BLOODTHIRSTY KILLER*?!? > Legolas had a moment of hesitation not knowing whom to TOM: Or was it "who to"? Legolas always got those two mixed up. > point the weapon at TOM: That's why he has *two* blades. Problem solved. CROW: Heh heh, bet he's had lots of trouble trying to figure out where to point his "weapon" before... MIKE: Shut up! No time for hentai; I'm outraged at the lack of logic in this fic! *WHEN* DID LEGOLAS *EVER* BECOME INDECISIVE AND COMPLETELY HELPLESS IN A STARTLING COMBAT SITUATION? GOD *HELP* THE TRAINED ELFIN WARRIOR IF HE COMES UP AGAINST A *DOBERMAN PINSCHER*! AND OUR SO-CALLED "HEROES" ARE DUMBER THAN BRICKS! AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEUUUUUUURRAAAAAAAAAGGAAAUUUUUUUUUUGH! [Mike's head explodes.] TOM: Oh, my--Mike! MIKE! CROW: Look at those brains! That's *disgusting*! That'll *never* get out of the upholstery! [Mike slumps over. When he straightens up, he has another head. He's shaking badly.] MIKE: Was... worth... it... [Mike falls unconscious into a pile of his own brains.] CROW: ...Well, *that's* something you don't see every day. > I took my chance and slowly stood up. Immediately I felt the cold blade > against my neck. TOM: [Crystal] Um...thanks Legolas, but I already shaved this week. > Trying to stay calm I looked straight into his blue eyes and pleaded CROW: [Crystal] Where'd you get those contacts? They look almost natural! > "Look. don't hurt us, CROW: Peter Jackson's the one you want! He's the one that made you fight orcs on a skateboard in "Two Towers"! TOM: I'd hate to see what would happen if Gimli saw what they did to him in that movie... *shudder* > I don't know why you here but we mean you no harm if you would kindly TOM: ...get into character... > remove your knife from my neck we could have a civilized conversation and CROW: Yes, having a knife embedded in your flesh tends to hinder the ability to converse effectively. > try to figure out how you got here and how to get you back." CROW: [singing] ~ Get back... get back... get back to where you once belonged!!! ~ TOM: [Crystal] And if you happen to find some punctuation on the way, I could use some. > The blade was withdrawn ALL: Noooo! Leave it in! Leave it in! > although I think it was more because Teddy thought this would be a good > time to greet the 'visitor' TOM: Uh oh, I hope Legolas has a good dry cleaner... > by jumping up and down and barking joyously. [The bots start barking "Ode To Joy."] TOM: [Teddy] Our crossover mischaracterized emotionless killer elfin warrior prince is here! Yaaaaaaaaay! > The look on Legolas' face was pure panic. TOM: [Legolas] We never studied tiny puppies in warrior training! Aaaaaaaugh!!!! > "Guard dog my ass" Carolyn said under her breath. CROW: [Carolyn] Hey, Teddy, where are you going? What are you doing? I didn't mean it literally! Hey, don't sniff there! > "If you promise not to try and kill me TOM: [Crystal] I promise I won't write another Legolas self-insertion fic... *under breath* Ha ha, the fool!!!!!! > I will remove my dog from your leg" CROW: [Legolas] You'd better, 'cause if you don't I'll be really "pissed"... get it? TOM: [sigh] I'm not even going to deign to respond to that. [The ticking is audible again.] CROW: Oh, for the love of... > I said trying not to laugh. CROW: [Crystal] Hee hee, the imminent death of me and my friends is funny! [The ticking is louder.] > "Please do," He said dryly (I guess he has never owned a small > dog before) CROW: Guy rule #3: If it's smaller than a football, it's not a real dog. [The ticking becomes earsplitting once again.] CROW: Damnit, damnit, damnit... > I grabbed Teddy after a few minutes of chasing him around > the living room ~Stupid elf laughing at me lets see him try this~ CROW: [Carolyn] Crys, honey? The voices in your head are bleeding through again! > and was presently trying to calm him down. > Meanwhile Carolyn went downstairs to start a fire in the wood burning > stove. CROW: [Crystal] I shoved Legolas into a cage, where we'd fatten him up and cook him later. That'll teach him to eat our gingerbread! > "Sit down and make yourself at home." I said motioning to the couch. CROW: Ten seconds later... BOMP CHICKA WOW! BOMP CHICKA WOW!! TOM: [screaming] *WHAT* *IS* *THIS*? What is going on with this frickin' story?!?!? "Hi, I'm Legolas, and I'm a homicidal maniac, but loose a small canine on me and I'm terrified and helpless!" What the heck is up with *that*?!? And very good of the author's Mary Sue "Hi, I'm Crystal! My interests include going to the mall, hanging out with my friends, and being threatened for my life by stereotypically bad killer elves." I mean, she's taking it awfully *lightly* for having a character from a *book* suddenly *appear in her living room*! Who knows, maybe Crystal will take a coin out and give it to Legolas, who will go "Ooooo, shiiiiinyyy!" and allow them to escape! LEGOLAS IS A PROUD, MIGHTY MILLENIA-OLD ELF PRINCE, AND HE'S NO ONE'S PERSONAL PLAYTHING! URAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!! [Tom's dome flies off and explodes quite fantastically in midair. The rest of his body plops to the floor. Crow idly steals his popcorn.] CROW: Jeez, I'm the only one left... > A few minutes later as Carolyn was coming upstairs, outside the wind gave > a howl. CROW: Aaagh! It's the warwilf! [pause] That'd be pretty cool, actually. > I looked to Carolyn then to Legolas and informed him that there was going > to be a big storm tonight CROW: Yeah, it's a big storm, but it's not The Perfect Storm! And it ain't the storm of the century, either! [pause] Actually, Andre Lenoge would spice this fic up quite nicely... [evil grin] > so we should postpone our little chat until we got some candles lit and > some flashlights at hand. CROW: *Or*, you could just *sit around the fire*, which is *why it was lit*... > I pulled Carolyn aside and CROW: Stuck my tongue down her throat. [very long pause.] Hey, there's no one to smack me for making hentai comments! *SWEET*! > warned her not to let on that she knew who he was. CROW: [Crystal] I don't want Legolas to know about my sex change! > "You're likely to get lots of questions you don't want to answer CROW: Like if the Backstreet Boys write their own music. > and another knife at your neck." CROW: [standing up] What, you mean *more* of them? How the heck can you fool an ancient, immortal elf, even if he's been teleported into a completely different setting? And how do you, teenage girls who aren't Japanese, plan to lie to an *elf lord*? What does-- [looks at the bodies of his two fallen comrades] Oh. Right. Must not think. Thinking bad. Thinking leads to death. Right. Got it. Right. > We agreed to keep quiet. CROW: As we rubbed each other's breasts. Yes! The power of perv heals all wounds! Bwaaahahahahaha! PEARL: [over intercom] Make a note, Observer. OBSERVER: [over intercom] Absolutely, madam. > As we went to find CROW: Our dominatrix outfits; we needed a change of clothes anyway. Fortunately, the stains would wash off... Hee hee hee, this is fun! > some flashlights we introduced ourselves to Legolas CROW: Hi, we're the two girls you tried to murder! > and he introduced himself to us CROW: [Legolas] Hi! I'm every geek-grrl's dream made flesh by fine British actor Orlando Bloom! > (although we already knew who he was) [Mike groans and turns over.] MIKE: What did I miss? CROW: Oh nothing Mike; just the story getting goofier and goofier... MIKE: ...and the realm of unconsciousness was so much better... [busies himself with putting on another Tom head] > we also found out that he was fighting some Uruk-Hai ALL: Gesundheit! > in the battle by the river Anduin when he was transported here hence being > almost out of arrows [PAUSE.] CROW: Actually, that's a pretty good excuse. MIKE: You do realize that this story really messes with the Lord of the Rings timeline? I mean, if this had really happened, we wouldn't be able to see Legolas for who knows how long, and he probably would have come back murmuring about things like electric blankets. CROW: What's your point? MIKE: My *point* is that fanfiction is supposed to be something that might have happened in the officially-established canon. If you want to make your *own* canon, that would imply-- CROW: Mike, your ears are bleeding. MIKE: [dabbing at his ears] Ah, bloody hell... CROW: And let me guess: that was the part of the movie they were watching, right? MIKE: Oh come on, surely they can't be that-- > actually that was the same scene that we were watching MIKE: They were trying to figure out how Boromir could take all those arrows to the chest and still keep on fighting for ten minutes... > when the power went out CROW: [church lady] And we all know how conveeeeeeenient *that* is! > so we figured that the power outage had something to do with him being > here. MIKE: They obviously got top marks in the "Advanced Parallel Universes" course. CROW: [Crystal] I mean, routine loss of electricity regularly opens up portals to worlds that don't exist. No biggie. [Pause.] MIKE: ...Help... [Tom comes around.] TOM: Ah, whaddid I--[looks at the above paragraph] Oh, sweet jesus flooty! CROW: Welcome back, Tommy. > "Ah ha, I found it" Carolyn said triumphantly. TOM: The plot? MIKE: A spelling and grammar checker? CROW: A copy of "Lord of the Rings" so we can check this story against the canon? ALL: Naaaah. > "What did you find?" asked Legolas unaware that we were looking for > anything. TOM: So what did he think they were doing? Making sure all the rooms were still there? CROW: [Carolyn] Crystal's whips and Playgirls, of course! Weeehee! [*crunch*] Ow... forgot... MIKE: [dusting off his hands] Ah, good to be back. > "The power outage box" I answered, ALL: D'oh! MIKE: [Crystal] Just flick this switch and the power goes out ten miles away! You have no idea how fun it is... > "it has all the things one might need if the power went out like > flashlights cand-" CROW: Candy? > "What are flashlights again?" Legolas asked inquisitively. TOM: [Crystal] You know, those things cops beat you with... > (Sigh) CROW: Elves aren't too quick on the draw, are they? TOM: I'm still impressed she managed to sigh in the narrative. > "Ok Legolas for the third time CROW: [Crystal] You adorable bag of hammers, you... > a flashlight is a safe portable source of light TOM: Yeah, they replaced buckets of flaming whale oil just in time. > that runs on batteries like these." I said taking out four AA batteries > to show him. TOM: [Legolas] Hmmm, can you eat these...bzzzzzzzzz...aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! > "And what are bat-" MIKE: [Crystal] Vampire, fruit, or baseball? > "Batteries are a portable power source they use acid TOM: They're not the only ones using acid in this story, I'm afraid... > and creates electricity." ALL: ... TOM: It's official. Crystal knows *nothing* about electricity, batteries, or life in general. > I answered before he could finish the question. "And what is > electricity?" MIKE: Can't he just start with wholesome, all-natural acid and work from there? > "Legolas! MIKE: [Crystal] Don't you remember our lesson with Mr. Tazer? > Enough with the questions CROW: [Crystal] Stupid primitive windbag! You dare waste the great Crystal's time with your inane babbling? WA-TAK! > right now I will look it up in one of those books later" MIKE: [Crystal] Thinking makes my head hurt. > I said gesturing to the bookshelf behind me. TOM: Uh, Crystal? Would you consider it, a-heh, a smart thing to get fed up and give orders to the wacko killer elf guy with twin knives who likes to use them? > " So N-E-Way TOM: North-East Way? CROW: [cheerful] Enn-ee-hoo! > in the power outage box there are CROW: [Johnny Longbow] Corn, green peppers, chicken, *yawn* onions... > flashlights, candles, a propane BBQ and some food CROW: Power outage box? Sounds like a left-over Y2K storage shelter. > that doesn't need to be cooked like beef jerky." MIKE: So...that makes the propane barbeque rather *useless*, doesn't it? TOM: He gets tossed into a strange new world, but he *still* can't get a hot meal! > Carolyn put in before Legolas could ask any more questions. MIKE: What...she's a psychic now? CROW: More like psycho! > "Thank you" I mouthed. If he had asked one more question I > would have clobbered him with a book saying "Here 'THUD' CROW: I thought his name was Legolas. > is an encyclopaedia CROW: An "encyclo-wha?" MIKE: I think that's a European spelling. TOM: Say, you think we can shoehorn a shot at the French here? CROW: Only if I get a return shot at Canada. MIKE: Hey, no one's saying anything about anybody until I get California. TOM: Agreed. CROW: Cool. [Pause] MIKE: So... What were we talking about again? TOM: No clue! CROW: I dunno! MIKE: So... Reset and move on? BOTS: Agreed! > look it up yourself" Although it wouldn't have done much > good him being unconscious after the first blow but it would make me feel > better. TOM: Is it really wise to attack a blade-wielding super-powerful immortal being with a large, cumbersome book? MIKE: Only if it were a compilation of bad fanfics and you forced him to read them trapped on a satellite in outer space... CROW: Oh yeah, like *that* would ever happen... >************************************** > > 3. Records, Spatulas, and one very tired Elf TOM: [Carson as Karnac] Name a spinner, and flipper, and a Keebler! MIKE: [Ed McMahon] Ho ho ho! Yes! CROW: [rubbs his hands together] Right, *now* we're gettin' somewhere! MIKE: Crow, that's just... ew... > Disclamer: I don't own anything *sob* nothing at all. TOM: *sobbing* Peter Jackson's lawyers sued me for everything! CROW: *sniffling* I even sold my soul to the Lord of Darkness for a first printing of The Silmarillion! > "C'mon help me get this upstairs then I'll give you the grand tour." > So after many more What's this' from Legolas MIKE: For an elf prince, he's awfully inquisitive and annoying and unable to take hints, isn't he? > we finally got that stupid box into the living room and started our tour. CROW: [Legolas] So why did you take me directly to your bed cham... TOM: SLAM! CLICK! CROW: [Legolas] ...ber? MIKE: Guys... > "This is the dining room" CROW: ...Which she doesn't own. MIKE: [Crystal] In case you didn't know, which I'm sure you didn't, we eat in here. TOM: [Legolas] No!!! Really????? > Carolyn started and before Legolas could ask Carolyn was already > explaining the microwave. CROW: ...Which she doesn't own. TOM: [Legolas] Hmm, what does this button do? *** BOOM! *** MIKE: [Carolyn] Wow, when they said Nuclear Burritos, I didn't think they were serious! > I had taken to walking around with a soft cover dictionary CROW: ...Which she doesn't own-- MIKE: Okay, we get it. > so I could answer Legolas' questions easily and also if I got the urge to > whack him it wouldn't do much damage. CROW: Of course, because threatening him won't get him to whip out the knives and strip you into a fine fangirl conffetti, will it? > "Crystal...Crystal" "Huh? What?" TOM: [Carolyn] The doorknob to the tea room is jiggling. MIKE: [zombie] Braaaaaaiiiins... TOM: [Carolyn, badly dubbed] Watch out! It's a monster! CROW: [Legolas, badly dubbed] Let me take care of this! > Carolyn jerked me from my train of thought MIKE: ["Last Clear Chance" conductor] Why don't they look? > I realized that we were in my room and Legolas was asking me what my > record player did. MIKE: [Crystal] Oh, that? Hell, I dunno, Dad just put it in here and said it played these huge plastic things. Now, let me show you my MP3 player! > "It works by using a needle with a laser on the end CROW: She has one of those $10,000 laser turntables only nightclub disk jockeys use? TOM: So much for owning nothing, nothing at all. > and a record or album. MIKE: Or a disc, or a platter, or even an acetate... CROW: Okay, we get it. > By reading the laser writing on the record CROW: You can find subliminal satanic messages! > it sends out music, like this" [Mike and the bots begin humming the theme from "That Seventies Show".] > I said putting in my 'Cats' record CROW: [Legolas] *This* is music??? MIKE: [CATS] All your record are belong to us! You have no chance to survive MAKE YOUR TIME! > (Cats, a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber) TOM: For the three of you who didn't know that... > 'Memory turn your face to the moonlight CROW: [singing along] ~ O God, this whole scene is so banal... ~ > I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then TOM: [singing] ~ Let me out of this hell hole, I'll be happier then... ~ > I remember the time I knew what happiness is MIKE: Ya know, I think poor Legolas was singing that line after he got transported into this mess. > Look a new life will begin' > > -Memory by T.S. Elliot MIKE: Umm... Which scene from "Cats" is _that_ from? TOM: Third act of the Off-Off-Off-Off-Off-Off-Broadway production. CROW: At least it wasn't the Barbra Streisand version... *shudder* > "Impressive" Legolas Muttered in awe. ~Oy he is impressed by the oldest > technology in the house~ TOM: [Crystal] I *suppose* he'll just *want* to play on my Atari 2600 next! CROW: She is just *BEGGING* to be orc-slapped, isn't she? > "And this" I said climbing easily onto my bunk bed "is my bed you can > sleep here if you like MIKE: Still, I'm not really seeing that usual fangirl aggression. CROW: Well, maybe they both swallowed a couple bottles of Valium before the fic started. > or in my little sister's room CROW: [Crystal] She's used to having strange men in her bed. > she is away at camp for two weeks so it doesn't matter. ALL: ~ Nothing really matters, anyone can see, that nothing really matters, to me! ~ CROW: Well, except for that cardboard cutout of J. K. Rowling in the closet...I think it's possessed. > Carolyn and I are having a sleepover so we are sleeping in > the rec room downstairs." MIKE: Oh! Now it makes perfect sense! She's I. R. Baboon! TOM: [Crystal] I are much smarter than YOU, Elf-boy! > After looking into my sister's room he came back into mine and said, "I > think I will sleep here after all I would feel more comfortable up > higher." MIKE: That's either a diplomatic way of putting it, or he's worried the flood waters are about to rise. > Just then BOOM TOM: John Madden arrived! > there was a crash of thunder the storm had started > and what a storm it was rain, thunder, lightning and the wind we heard > earlier. MIKE: [scoffing] *That's* a hell of a storm? I'll give you a hell of a storm! Thirty below, hailstones the size of golfballs, 30mph winds, and lightning bolts. And that's a *good* day for Minnesota! > ~We'd better make dinner in case the power > goes out again~ I though realizing that I was starving "Hey guys are > you hungry?" I asked already knowing the answer at least from Carolyn. > "Guys?" Legolas asked puzzled. CROW: [Legolas] You're... crossdressers?!? TOM: [Carolyn] No! Well... Technically, not since the operation, anyway... > "Guy is a generalization for a group of people as in 'hey you guys'" MIKE: Oh I get it...they're shooting the film version of this fic on the set of "The Electric Company." BOTS: Cool! > Carolyn explained before I could hit him over the head with the first > thing I grabbed. CROW: You know, maybe *Legolas* needs to be afraid of *Crystal*. MIKE: [Legolas] Hey c'mon, quit it already. Sheesh, chick is totally bummin' me out. > (My Harry Potter and the goblet of fire book in hardcover) MIKE: [Crystal] You see this book, elf man...that's your competition, buddy boy, so no more stupid questions! TOM: Wow, she'd not only knock him unconcious, but send thousands of Tolkien fanatics into a violent rage. [He pauses] CROW: Check, smack Legolas with a Harry Potter book. Gotcha. MIKE: Uh, guys? Remember what happened when we beat up Patrick Stewart with a plastic light saber? TOM: Ohhhh.... *shudder* CROW: Isn't it illegal to mention that particular franchise in a story with a Tolkien character? TOM: Illegal? We'll be lucky if it doesn't open up a space-time vortex! CAPT. PICARD: [popping in through a space-time vortex] Hello! ALL: Aaaaaaaaugh!!! > "Oooh" Legolas said with a look of enlightenment on his face, CROW: He'd recently installed GNOME on his Linux desktop. TOM: [Legolas] I'm thankful for the Bohdi Tree you have in your living room! MIKE: [Legolas] Forget hours of meditation and self-examination; all I need to attain enlightenment is the thought of having a ham sandwich. > "Yes then I'm hungry, but I'll only eat if I can watch you prepare it." MIKE: [Legolas] I've got a list of food allergies like you wouldn't believe! > I guessed he still didn't fully trust us. TOM: Of course not! A couple of idealistic teens out for a little self-aggrandizement? I'd be running like hell by now! CROW: [Legolas, grumbling] Threaten *me* with a Harry Potter book, will they? Well, let's just wait fifty years and see how many college English course reading lists *J. K. Rowling's* still on! > "Yes you can watch us only if you be quiet and don't touch anything" [pause] CROW: I'm gonna let that just cruise by without comment, and let the rest of you think about it. > Said Carolyn worried he would hurt himself with something like the > electric knife. CROW: Or more accurately, take bloody revenge with it. TOM: [Legolas] Eh! It's no chainsaw, but it'll do! *BZZZZZ!!!* > > > It got very crowded in my tiny 4'x7' kitchen MIKE: Wow! Is this a kitchen or an index card? CROW: Someone really ought to fire that architect. > with Carolyn making the salad and garlic bread, me making the 'meat > tortellini with garlic Alfredo sauce CROW: This is a remarkably fancy meal to race a power outage for. TOM: Well, if the choice is that or propane-toasted jerky, I know what I'd want! MIKE: Hey, say what you want about their grammar, spelling, incredibly contrived non-plot and rampant violence by and against elves--these girls sure can cook! > and Legolas TOM: ...slashing his wrists with the electric knife in a hopeless attempt to escape the fanfic. > just standing there. CROW: [Crystal] Legolas? Why don't you get the flip out of here and watch TV or something... incompetent pig dog! > I was about to start the sauce when Legolas asked, MIKE: [Legolas] Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? > "What's that?" "Legolas... it is a spatula it's used to stir things and > whack people like this" I said smacking him upside the head with it. TOM: [Legolas] Boy, that reminds me... why haven't I disembowled you yet? > Boy was that funny even Legolas was laughing MIKE: If only to keep from crying. TOM: Boy, we know how *he* feels... CROW: [Legolas] Oh, you are so [snicker] *dead* [*bursts out laughing*] > that's when I clued in that he knew all along what a spatula was and was > just asking to bug me so I smacked him again TOM: [almost in tears] Mike, she's treated the Prince of Mirkwood like Al Bundy! MIKE: [Legolas] I jumped onto a cave troll's head, shot out its eye and killed it with an arrow to the mouth, but I am powerless against she who wields a spatula. > (harder this time) TOM: Must we all resort to such violence? MIKE: I think we just stepped into an alternate universe where everyone is wired as violent sociopaths. > and gave his my patented death glare. He TOM: Fell over dead, as the Mary Sue union bylaws demanded. Boy am I fun! > backed off right away TOM: [Crystal] Started muttering something about "Darkness beyond twilight" and "crimson beyond blood..." > and told me I had the best glare he has ever seen CROW: Oh Crystal, glare at me just like that...yes...yes... yemmmmmphphphphffffrrrffrrmmmpphhphphmmmmm... MIKE: [clamping hand over Crow's beak] Crow, knock that off. This story's painful enough without you being a pig! CROW: [grumbling] Razzen frazzen sasafrassen hunga munga... > even better than Aragorn's TOM: Ha! Aragorn's glare is nothing next to Elrond, wielder of the deadly eyebrows! CROW: Out of all the ways he could favourably compare her to the other characters, he picks Aragorn's "glare?" MIKE: Well, he could have said she was taller than Frodo... > ~no wonder people cower when I glare at them.~ CROW: [Destinygurl] They're afraid I'll put them in one of my stories! TOM: [announcer] From this point forward, the part of Crystal will be played by Marrissa Flores. > > > After dinner we were all sitting in the living room talking about > trivial things CROW: Such as shoe polish! TOM: State capitals! MIKE: Obscure Shakespeare quotes! CROW: Potato salad recipes! TOM: Balls of twine! MIKE: The air velocity of an unladen swallow! CROW: Mobius strips, Jell-O wrestling, mint-flavored cigarettes! TOM: Batteries, spatulas, records! > when I realized how tired Legolas must be. DUH! CROW: [Crystal] Like, gag me with a spoon! > How could have I forgotten he was just ending a battle when he came here TOM: Because your time together has turned into some bizarre episode of The Facts of Life? > and that was nearly three hours ago it was now almost midnight. MIKE: [resumes earlier song] ~ Miiiiidniiiiiight...not a plot to be haaaaad heeeeere, what the hell is this gaaaaaaarbaaaaage... ~ > I also realized that Legolas hadn't joined into the CROW: [screaming] OOORGYYYY! [*smackbambangcongclangthudbiffthud*] CROW: Ow... Thanks... Needed that... Ow... > conversation for a while. CROW: Well, geez Crystal, if we're bored with your mindless drivel how bored do you think poor Legolas is! > I looked over at him and sure enough TOM: [Crystal] ...he was trying his darnedest to shoot himself with his last arrow. > his eyes were glazed over. "Carolyn" I whispered, "elves sleep with their > eyes open." CROW: [Crystal] Yeah, that's it! Of course! Elves sleep with their eyes open... and their skin gets really stiff and cold, and they don't need to breathe when they sleep either... MIKE: [Carolyn] Just face it... you bored him to death, didn't you? TOM: [Michael Palin] He's not dead, he's pining... pining for the fjords! > "Ahhh... I was wondering > why he had stopped blinking," She said glancing at him curiously. CROW: [Crystal] Yeah, well you're more observant, but *I* know more about Tolkien... > "Alright you go get a pillow from the closet CROW: [Crystal] And if he's still breathing, we'll smother him. > and I'll get Legolas to bed" [Crow[Carolyn] licks his[her] lips.] MIKE: Gyaaaa! Don't *ever* do that again! That was *disturbing*! > I quietly walked over to the sleeping elf and gently shook him > saying TOM: [Crystal] AAAAHHHH! FIRE! FIRE! OH GOD, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! > "Legolas, Legolas" "Huh? Who're you? Where am I?" CROW: [Crystal] In reverse order, this is Hell, and I'm the one who's going to be smacking you over the head with this book for all eternity! > Legolas asked sleepily. "Hush it's ok MIKE: It was all a bad dream...the big bad story's over now, honey... TOM: You're safe and sound now, back in good ol' 3019 T.A.! > you just fell asleep I'm taking you to your bed" CROW: MIIIKE!! She's throwing softball after softball at us! TOM: Yeah! Let us really cut loose on her! MIKE: Come on, you know the rules: If the author doesn't go there, we don't go there. BOTS: Since when?!? MIKE: Since now. Now shut up and read! > I comforted as I guided the very tired elf to my room and onto the bed, CROW: Am I the only one who is very much disturbed by this? MIKE: [shaking and shuddering, clamping his jaw tight] *Yes*. > Carolyn had brought fresh pillows TOM: With *ninja speed*! > and almost as soon as he lay down Legolas' eyes glazed over and he fell > asleep. CROW: [Legolas, in his sleep] Oh, Arwen... come on, neither of them would know... MIKE: I'd smack you, but... CROW: But... MIKE: But that was pretty funny. > I watched him a few > moments longer just to see if he would be comfortable, TOM: And who exactly do we think we're fooling, author? > then I CROW: Unzipped his fly and... MIKE: Please, Crow. Can't we just be grateful that HASN'T happened yet? CROW: Sorry. > went downstairs with Carolyn. TOM: And we got as far away as we could from this fanfic. MIKE: Let's go, you guys... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Tom and Crow are gathered around an incredibly complex-looking machine taking up almost the entire space. The discernable parts include several tubes, a Playstation 2 hooked into an X-box with a Gamecube playing the Resident Evil remake connected to a Dreamcast, a tree, several unrecognizable electric components, the big glowing blue thing that Pearl ordered during #902-"Phantom Planet", a BFG9000, a breast implant, some quarters, paint thinner, an eggplant, and--at the very center of this demonic contraption--a combo television/movie player playing "Fellowship of the Ring".] CROW: Scalpel! TOM: Scalpel. CROW: Knife! TOM: Knife. CROW: Poodle! TOM: Poodle. CROW: Lecusart's "Afterlife"! TOM: Lecusart's "Afterlife". CROW: Water! TOM: Water. CROW: Twisted Metal 2! TOM: Twisted Metal 2. [Mike walks in stage left, carring a Lemony Snicket novel in one hand and a cup of tea in the other, oblivious to the huge construction project going on right next to him.] MIKE: Oh, hello again. That last fanfic was so horrible, we've decided to take some time to unwind. I've curled up with a good book and a cup of Earl Grey--hot, of course--and the bots are watching the *actual* "Lord of the Rings" movie--[looks up at the huge mechanical monster the 'bots have created, then does the customary spit-take] What in the sweet Mary Pickford is this? CROW: Hey, Mike! We've taken a leaf from Crystal's book, so to speak! We thought, "Hey, if an amateur can teleport an elf into her living room without even trying, then we--with our faked degrees from Berkeley and your maxed-out credit card--could make it happen ourselves!" TOM: Then we got to thinking, "Wouldn't it be fun to have our own 'Lord of the Rings' character to boss around?" You know, like a random hobbit, or maybe a Nazgul or two to do our bidding! CROW: So we decided to hook our TV and VCR up to our dimensional portal, just to see what happens! MIKE: I didn't know you guys had a dimensional portal. Where did you get it? CROW: From the set of "Sliders". They sold it on eBay after they got cancelled. MIKE: Yeah, but their dimensional thingie was this little hand-held thing. What's all the rest of this junk? TOM: Oh, you know... stuff. MIKE: Besides, "Sliders" was just a show! That thing was just a prop! TOM: Your point being? CROW: I beg to differ! "Sliders" wasn't just *a* show, it was *THE* SHOW! *sigh* Alas, John Rhys-Davies will never have that good a role again... [gives a sideways glance to the TV, where Gimli is just about to say "Nobody tosses a dwarf!"] TOM: Yeah, Mike, I think you should really just relax. MIKE: Ugh... ok, so when does the magic happen, anyway? CROW: Well, in the fic, Legolas appears during a power surge, so we've gotten Gypsy to fly through this freak ion storm I found on our long- range sensors! MIKE: [freaking out] An ion storm? Don't you know how dang-- CROW: Well, of course, Mike! How else would we get the huge amounts of raw energy required to rend the veil of the space-time continuum? TOM: [holding a remote, yelling offscreen] Ok, Gyps, we're just about ready! Punch it! [The Satellite lifts into an upward spiral, knocking Mike off balance and the 'bots off screen. As the SOL hits the ion cloud, the machinery starts making Flash Gordon noises and giving off sparks of dangerously powerful static electricity. Then suddenly, the lights blink out. When they return a second or so later, Crow and Tom are face to face with a large, ferocious Uruk-Hai warrior.] URUK-HAI: [lifting his blood-stained scimitar] Rooooaaarrrr!!! CROW and TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! [exit stage left, with the huge man-sized orc trailing fast] MIKE: [getting up from under the table] Man, I must have hit my head or something. I wonder what's going on... [Tom and Crow run back into the Bridge, wheezing and panting.] CROW: Mike, you gotta help us! We accidentally summoned an Uruk-Hai! TOM: We have him locked in the aft cargo bay, but it doesn't look like the door is going to hold that long! MIKE: Now what did I tell you guys about mucking about in God's domain? [A loud pounding noise can be heard, as if a huge fist were knocking an aft cargo bay door down like a sandcastle.] MIKE: Oh, ok. All we have to do is wait for movie sign, and then Pearl will pump all the air out of the satellite, and the big hulking brute will asphyxiate... [Waits a moment, while the pounding continues.] Man, this is taking longer than I thought! I better call Pearl. [Hits Mads button] Pearl! We're done with our break now, and we'd like to go back to the theater! PEARL: [over the viewscreen] You're done with your break, Mike? Are you sure? You haven't even done your funny skit yet. MIKE: Oh, yes, we have! The robots built this funny machine and--[Crow and Tom start hitting each other in an impromptu slapstick routine] See? PEARL: I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Could you do it again? [The pounding noise gets louder and louder.] MIKE: [sighs] Errgh! But we really want to go back to the theater and read the rest of that wonderful fanfic you sent us! Please? PEARL: Oh, dear, Mike, this isn't like you. That fanfic must have hurt you more than I thought. You need some more time to recuperate--I've got 15 more chapters on the way, and I wouldn't want my favorite test subject to burn out before his time! Take your break, Mike, you've earned it! [screen off] [The distinctive sound of ruptured metal echoes through the chambers of the Satellite of Love. The heavy footsteps of the Uruk warrior, like the drumbeats of doom, start increasing in volume.] MIKE: Okay, we're in trouble! TOM: Mike, Mike, you gotta do something! He's coming this way! CROW: [rummaging through a bunch of tapes on the floor] Aha, here it is! MIKE: We're being attacked by a monster from the darkest recess of Tolkien's imagination, and you want to watch--[looks at the tape]-- "American Idol"? CROW: Trust me! [sticks the tape in the VCR, then yells offstage] Take us back in, Gypsy! [The satellite shakes and the machine sparks yet again. Mike and the bots scramble to find good hiding places just as the Uruk-Hai runs in, filled with primordial rage, or something. But then, the lights turn off, and when they come back on, who should be staring the warrior in the face but American Idol judge, Simon Cowell!] URUK-HAI: Rooooooooooaaaaaarrrrrr! SIMON: *gasps* That was extraordinary! URUK-HAI: Roar? SIMON: Unfortunately, it was extraordinarily awful. If you would have roared like that two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you! You are, by far, the worst Uruk EVER! [The Uruk-Hai looks at Simon, confused and shocked.] SIMON: You, sir, are a disgrace to the White Hand of Isengard. You couldn't even scare third-graders at a slumber party. Did your *mother* teach you how to hold that thing? [starts correcting the troll's stance] You're supposed to stand *this* way, with the legs *apart* and *firmly planted*! Now, the backswing like this, and then you use the power of your *forearms* to bring the weapon crashing down! Jeez, I can't *believe* you didn't know that! Have you been taught *nothing* by your superiors? URUK-HAI: [swinging his sword in anger] RRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!! SIMON: [deftly sliding out of the way] Well, I'm not *nearly* as excited as you are. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood today. But you, you stink! You're not even cut out to be an *extra* in a Warcraft II game! How many years of your *pathetic* life have you been spending trying to pursue a dream that you could not *even* possibly realize? Hey, don't look at me like that! This isn't some namby-pamby patronizing speech like you'll get from the other judges, this is the TRUTH! URUK-HAI: [sobbing uncontrollably] I want my mommy!!! [Mike and the bots crawl out cautiously from their hiding spots offstage.] MIKE: Is the coast... clear? SIMON: Oh, give me a frickin' break! Robot acts died with *disco*! Not like your little household appliances would have made it anyway. [sneers at Tom] I mean, you're nothing but a gumball machine glued to a salad bowl! You'd be great if I wanted to store snack food! And what are these--little white gloves on your non-functional hands? Who do you think you are, Mickey Mouse? [looks to Crow] And I bet you think you're C-3PO, with your gold paint and what not? I knew C-3PO, even got him that gig recording the Star Wars Christmas Album. And you, sir, are *no* C-3PO, or even a Twiki, for that matter! What's that on your head? A lacrosse glove? A bowling pin? Ping- pong balls? You two were made from "special parts", all right--if by "special" you mean Special Ed.! TOM: [sniffling] Why? Why? CROW: [sobbing] Joy... fading... *sniff* reasons... to... live... *snort* dwindling.... MIKE: Oh you guys... you brought this upon yourselves, you know. SIMON: And don't get me started with *you*, Mr. Doughnut! You are absolutely pathetic! You have no ambition, no life, no *nothing*! All you want to do is sit around and eat potato chips all day! Get a *life*! You people make me *sick!* You could have used your machine to summon help, nay, even escape, but nooooooo! You had to yank *me* right while I was *destroying* the self-esteem of some young up-and- coming singers, and use *me* to solve your monster problem! Can't you weasels fight your own battles? MIKE: [crumpled up into a pile] Man, he's right! I am a loser! TOM: [still sobbing] If it makes you... *sob* feel any better, Mike... we always knew that... SIMON: [aside] I just don't get it! This show is supposed to make everyone happy, but everyone keeps crying on this show. [The Mads light begins to flash.] SIMON: What's this? A flashing light? This might have been impressive--in the 1890's! URUK-HAI: I need to go to the bathroom... SIMON: [scowling] Did I say you could talk? URUK-HAI: [whimper] I'll be good... [Castle Forrester. Bobo is off in a corner, grooming himself. Observer is smugly gloating, as usual. Pearl has a wild smirk on her face.] PEARL: You know, I think you're right, Mike. I *am* being far too nice on you. So, get back in the--hey, who are you? [SOL Bridge.] SIMON: I might ask the same question. And who, may I ask, is that freak right next to you? Okay, you get gruesome points for the brain in the frying pan, but that's just so *stupid*! I mean, Lord help you if some *dust particles* start floating around and get into your brain! And the whole ultimate power gig is *so* yesterday! I mean, *seriously*! *Get with the program*! And what are you doing with that walking flea bucket back there? What did you do, swallow a bottle of Rogaine or something? And for a distinguished professor of anthropology from a planet where apes evolved from men, you sure are *stupid*! Go back to the trees, why don't you? [Castle Forrester.] OBSERVER: [sobbing] I'm not worthy... BOBO: Waaaaaaahhhhh!!!! [falls on the floor, a broken monkey] PEARL: [outraged] THAT TEARS IT!!!! Nobody browbeats my minions!!! That's MY job. Now, *get off my satellite*, or I'll... [SOL Bridge.] SIMON: Who's going to make me? You, Mrs. Completely Ineffectual Mad Scientist? I can't believe you even qualified for this show. If your work was published, it would singlehandedly *KILL* the mad science profession! And that lime green lab coat--who's your tailor, DuPont Chemicals? Listen, lay off the Twinkies, do a thousand crunches a day, get a hair transplant, and then we'll talk! [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: [tears streaming from eyes, teeth gritted] Brain... Guy... get... rid... of... *that*... please... [Observer, head down in shame, holds brain up dejectedly.] [SOL Bridge.] SIMON: [dematerializing] I am a respected columnist in this town! With my fingers, I can destroy-- *poof!* CROW: Whew... glad that's over... *sniff* TOM: [looks at the Uruk] Now... what are we... *sob* going to do about him? URUK-HAI: I think I wet myself. MIKE: [setting "Lord of the Rings" back into the VCR] Ok, back into the movie... that's a good fella... URUK-HAI: [walking into the TV] I'm going to curl up in the sock drawer, and sleep for days! [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: [still crying into her hands] And... now... *sniff* as for you guys... [Klaxons blare. Movie sign flashes. Finally.] MIKE and the BOTS: THANK GOD!!! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] To be continued! Editors' Note: This is our first attempt at editing a group MSTing. However, we are pleased to report that the quality of the riffs was very high, and there are a lot of talented people working on this with us. Our only hope is that we have done justice to everyone's hard work. Please send all comments and criticism to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com. We have a long way yet to go, so stay tuned! --River City Random and Typewriter Monkey May 1, 2003 All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. Whew, that was a mouthful. ----- > I realized that we were in my room and Legolas was asking me what my > record player did. "It works by using a needle with a laser on the end > and a record or album. By reading the laser writing on the record > it sends out music, like this" MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 4-6 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Part 1? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > > 4. The Storm Grows > > Disclaimer: You know to saying. TOM: Well, I know saying, but what's "to saying?" > Me no own, you no sue CROW: Daylight come and me wan' go home! > equals happy > days for us all. MIKE: Captain Cave Man, meet the Fonz! CROW: Me no read make me much happier. TOM: [Destinygurl] English make me head hurt. > > A few fitful hours of sleep later I woke with a start TOM: [Crystal] Dah, cheerleading practice! > and seeing > Carolyn awake I got up. CROW: Come *ON!* She's daring us now! MIKE: I said "no," dear. > The wind was howling worse that ever and > seeing as we both hate the wind TOM: Awww--maybe the wind wouldn't howl so badly if you gave it more love. > I figured that we wouldn't get much more sleep. TOM: [Crystal] Just then, two riders were approaching. What that had to do with anything is beyond me. CROW: This is the set up to so many lemons... MIKE: ...Which you will not repeat. CROW: True dat. > We sat and talked for a while about how Legolas got here. CROW: So elves don't give birth like other mammals? Was he dropped off by aliens? MIKE: [Carolyn] Look, I just don't believe you summoned him with your Care Bears lunchbox! > "I don't know maybe it was a power surge and the TV did not know what > to do with it so it just spat out the thing that was on the screen." CROW: She gives that TV a lot of credit... MIKE: Man, and the most that ever happens with me is a blown picture tube. TOM: Scientists have been working around the clock to perfect or even begin on the art of universal transportation, and all this time it only took a TV and a malfunctioning circuit breaker. Who knew? MIKE: Just be glad that they weren't watching WILL AND GRACE at the time. ALL: *shudder* > "Interesting theory Carolyn CROW: [Crystal] Puh-leeze, that's so lame, it sounds like something from a lousy fanfic! TOM: It does explain the diversity of species in the world, but what about the geologic column? Where are all the intermediate forms? Tell me!!! > but I don't... Shh!" I finished "Did you > hear that" TOM: We damn sure did! > "Hear what" CROW: Hear a bunch of people talking all at once? TOM: Or one person talking in very short bursts? MIKE: Or maybe it was the sound of our suspension of disbelief breaking... > Carolyn asked indignant CROW: Well, *somebody* knows how to use a thesaurus. > that she didn't get to > hear the rest of my comment. TOM: Yes, everything must revolve around *you*, mustn't it! *YOU*! You you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you YOU! > "Shh... It sounded like someone bumping the door to the rec room." TOM: That door makes its own unique sound when bumped. MIKE: [Crystal] Gaaaaaa! Tom Sullivan's come back to get us! Run!!! > I took my flashlight and shone it in the > general direction of the noise nearly blinding a slightly dishevelled > Legolas. TOM: And scaring the poor little fella half out of his head! CROW: [Crystal, badly dubbed] Watch out! It's a monster! MIKE: Already did that one, Crow. CROW: ...Oh. Oh yeah, right. [Crystal] Alright, punk, freeze! Okay, up against the wall! Spread 'em! [MIKE glares blackly at CROW.] CROW: What? *WHAT*? > "Don't sneak up on us like that" I yelled more relived MIKE: Ahhhh! It's the Night of the Reliving Dead! > than mad CROW: ...tha hell? You shine a strange light on an unsuspecting elf, when they probably haven't ever seen one and you have the *nerve* to tell *them* not to sneak up on *you*? Sheesh! The hospitality in this story sucks! > and more softly I asked "What are you doing down here is my bed > not comfortable?" MIKE: [Crystal] Need more blankets not enough pillows do you like pie? TOM: It really *is* all about her, isn't it? > "No, TOM: [Legolas] There's no mint on my pillow. > no your bed is very comfortable TOM: [Legolas] Crystal oko-sama, CROW: [Legolas] Especially the nice pleasure devices--what do you call them? [There is a pause. MIKE swells to immense proportions, glows green, and uber- backhands CROW across the theater.] THE INCREDIBLE MIKE: MIKE SMAAAASH! TOM: HOLY LIVING GOD... CROW: Owy... pain... hurt... owy... TOM: *What* the *hell*... MIKE: Crow? Why are you lying on your back all the way over there? CROW: [groaning and climbing back into his seat] No idea... ugh... [MIKE shrugs and goes back to watching the fic. TOM stares at MIKE in confused shock.] > it's just that I'm not used to such high winds they make me uneasy" MIKE: [Legolas] And you don't have a night-light. I'm-a scared. TOM: [Legolas] And I think there's monsters in your closet. Can I sleep with you guys tonight? CROW: [Legolas] And why is there a rock hard pea beneath your mattress? MIKE: Legolas - Crown Prince of Pansies. > he answered > quickly. "MmmHmm" Carolyn mused sympathetically then getting my nod > of approval MIKE: Looks like Carolyn must bow to the orders of the Head Mary Sue. > said "Come here you CROW: [Carolyn] Burnin' hunk o' elf prince you... TOM: Ah, I see *you* got better quickly. CROW: [cheerfully] Thanks for noticing! [TOM face-faults.] > can sit with us and talk we don't > much like the wind either so we won't get anymore sleep anyways." TOM: They talk like the wind. Long-winded...get it? > "Just," I put in, "Don't fall asleep on us again." TOM: [Legolas] Well, don't talk about boring stuff then! > Carolyn and I burst out laughing. "What" Legolas asked puzzled. This just > made us laugh harder. TOM: [Crystal] We find your confusion at your suddenly being catapulted into the modern world all the more amusing when you fail to understand our humour! > After waiting out our hysteric giggling a very confused > Legolas asked again "what's so funny?" TOM: Yes, girls, what *is* so flipping funny? MIKE: [Carolyn] Well, not Jim Bruer, that's for sure. > "Well for one thing" Carolyn > started, "for humans late at night everything is funny TOM: Well, that would explain the popularity of Conan O'Brien... CROW: And that also explains when this scene was written. > you should see it, it's hilarious when we stay up all night someone > sneezes and you start laughing hysterically." CROW: [Legolas] Ah hah hah, ah hah hah hah....*breaks into sobs* MIKE: [Carolyn] Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's Martians, not humans. TOM: You're all high, aren't you, Crystal? > "N-E-Way MIKE: [cheerful] Enn-ee-hoo! TOM: There she goes using that secret code or whatever it is. CROW: English teachers round the world are lining up on the balconies of tall buildings. > back to the main point" MIKE: *Nothing* in this story leads back to the main point! TOM: There's a main point? > I said glaring at Carolyn. TOM: I thought she'd find that funny myself. MIKE: Maybe she *did.* > "Earlier tonight when we were sitting in my > living room and talking you fell asleep in the middle of a > conversation CROW: [Crystal] Which happens to us a lot, now that I think about it. > and we didn't notice because you sleep with your eyes > open." CROW: [Carolyn] And for some reason, that's jaw-droppingly hilarious! Bwahaha! TOM: [Legolas] Well, since I'm an *elf*, and don't know anything about myself, I'll take your word for it! > The elf blushed deeply, which made us start laughing again TOM: Which snapped Legolas back into character, which made him realize what a moron he was being, and cheerfully slaughtered them. > because we had never seen an elf blush. MIKE: [Crystal] Seen one scratch his butt though. CROW: Just how many elves have these girls seen anyway? Is their television set constantly spewing out elven warriors from various works of fiction? > Usually elf composure gets > the best of them but this time it was just too much for him first > admitting that he was uneasy (scared) about the wind MIKE: Tha hell? Destiny? Either it's a fanfic or a thesaurus... make up your God damn mind! CROW: Yes, thank you, author, for we could not have determined the meaning of the word "uneasy" without *you*! > to a pair of 18-year-old girls CROW: Who act 14? TOM: Who *are* 14, but want to be a healthy, legal 18? > and then falling asleep in front of them. > Punt! MIKE: The Mad Punter has struck again! TOM: And it's a forty-yarder. The returner makes the fair catch. CROW: Legolas fair catches at the five! What the heck was he thinking?!? TOM: [Crystal] Let's play a little game I like to call... PUNT THE ELF! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CROW: [Legolas] Mommy... > Elf > composure out the window. MIKE: [football announcer] And the Elf composure's caught by Aragorn, who fumbles ... it's intercepted by Elrond! He's at the 40! The 30! The 20! He could go all the way! > Finally even Legolas started laughing CROW: [Legolas] I think I'll go mad. See if that helps. > he > was just understanding how humans could find anything funny so late > at night. TOM: [Crystal] That or the laughing gas we were pumping into the room was finally having an effect. > We laughed long and hard and I think that is when the true > friendship started, TOM: Between Legolas and cocaine. > there in my basement at 3:30am. MIKE: So mark the calendar! TOM: [Crystal] It ended a millisecond later when Legolas plunged a knife into my neck. > We eventually quieted down and sat in silence thinking about all that had > happened over the past 6 hours. Just being in each other's presence was > soothing and one by one we fell asleep Legolas on the floor, Carolyn on > the Hide-A-Bed and me on the couch. MIKE: How gracious. She makes the guest sleep on the floor. TOM: [Crystal] Moron! The hard floor is way too good for you! You deserve to sleep in a paper bag in a septic tank! > About half an hour later there was a huge gust of wind. CROW: It had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the plot of this fanfic. Moving on... TOM: [mistified] ...*Plot*? CROW: Yes, Servo, this has a plot. ...Somewhere... > WHOOSH! CRACK! SLAM! CROW: The new EXTREME Rice Krispies sounds! TOM: EXTREEEME Rice Krispies! MIKE: Here we go again... > Carolyn hid under the > covers and I screamed TOM: A shot rang out! CROW: A door slammed! MIKE: A pirate ship appeared on the horizon! > jumping onto Legolas. TOM: Crushing his spine in the process! CROW: [Legolas] AAH, MY SEVENTH THORACIC VERTEBRA! > (Even he looked worried). MIKE: He must have read the script for what comes next. CROW: I would be too, if a rabid fangirl jumped in my lap. TOM: [Legolas] Aaahhh! She's on top of me! Cooties! Help! Help! > I screamed not in fear but CROW: [Crystal] In ecstasy, as-- THE INCREDIBLE MIKE: MIKE *SMAAAAAASH*! CROW: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! [*crunch*] ...Ouchers... Ouchers... Ouchers... TOM: ...Well, this is slightly more unusual than normal... > because I knew what had happened. MIKE: They ran out of photograph paper? CROW: The Lakers had won their fourth N.B.A. title, giving Phil Jackson one more ring than Red Auerbach? TOM: They wound up in a Sixties Adam West TV show? CROW: A horde of rabid Lord of the Rings fans descended upon the house to rescue Legolas and take revenge on these crazy girls? TOM: *sigh* If only... > > > CROW: Oh! The suspense is... in some other fanfic. > I was shaking so badly and I didn't want to get up because once I > did I would have to go outside and check the damage. TOM: [Crystal] Oh, I knew I shouldn't have spent the insurance money on N'Sync plushies! > "Shh, it's ok." > Legolas said sitting up and taking me into his arms. CROW: Well, he's getting awful cozy with these people he just tried to kill a few hours ago. MIKE: I'm glad she pointed out the girls are eighteen. > "No it's not." I > said from his chest. CROW: [Voice from chest] Somebody's poisoned the water hole! MIKE: Okay... so she got one thing right about the situation, right guys? [The bots nod.] TOM: That's some ventriloquism act she's got going there. CROW: Now let's see if she can make him talk out of his... MIKE: ...Ear. CROW: You're no fun. > "Do you know what happened?" "No what?" Legolas > said getting more worried by the second. CROW: But she *has* to let go soon, right? > "A branch came through the roof" CROW: And she saw that all the way down in the basement? Not buying it! TOM: I guess she knows that through *ESP*.... MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, *I'm* the elf with preternatural powers, here, sister! > I said close to tears. TOM: Well, at least now she's got an excuse for the lamp. > < I wasn't really close to tears I just > didn't know how to say I was really scared any suggestions> MIKE: Say "I was really scared?" TOM: Gee... How 'bout "I was really scared?" CROW: [screaming] Oh, I don't know... WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY "I WAS REALLY SCARED?" GRRRRRR... [something clicks] HOLD IT! [The text scrawls to a halt.] CROW: She's saying...she's saying that this...this festering pile of incomprehensibilities, this home to Mary Sues and moronic characterizations...this all REALLY HAPPENED?! [Steam begins to rise from Crow's head as his rage builds.] CROW: Are we supposed to BELIEVE that an elf REALLY flew out of their TELEVISION SET, INTO THEIR LIVING ROOM?! THAT THIS SIMPERING IDIOT OF AN ESTABLISHED LITERARY CHARACTER TRULY EXISTS?! MIKE: Oh no, not again! TOM: Mike, we've gotta do something! Crow, Crow, pull yourself together! CROW: I can't take it...the asides, the spelling, the utter stupidity...this is just TOO MUCH! [The steam has intensified by this point. Mike grabs Crow by the shoulders and begins shaking him.] MIKE: Get a grip, man! Do you want Pearl to see this?! CROW: [sobbing] I just can't take it Mike, there's just no sense in this fanfi-i-i-ic.... [Crow breaks down into sobs, attempting to hug Mike, though failing due to a lack of functional arms. Mike akwardly pats Crow on the back a few times.] MIKE: There there...hey, I've got some Little Debbie Cakes in the pantry, you can have those and I can get Gypsy to make you some hot cocoa later, okay? CROW: [now down to sniffles] With marshmellows? And white chocolate sprinkles? MIKE: Sure. CROW: [still sniffling] And can you have her put it in my Cookie Monster mug? MIKE: Of course. [Crow leans back in his seat, taking a few more sniffles before returning to normal. The text resumes it's crawl across the screen.] CROW: Thanks Mike...that could have been drastic. MIKE: Any time, pal, any time. TOM: Wuss. CROW: Oh, bite me, Tom "My head explodes at the drop of a hat" Servo! TOM: ... > "Don't > worry it'll be alright" He said giving me a squeeze TOM: Oh Mike, it's turning into a cheesy lemon... [sniffles] > "Ok" I said > getting up "Carolyn come on we need to asses to damage" CROW: [Dr. Mephisto] My friends, you need to leave nature to its one-assed splendor... do you understand this? MIKE and TOM: [Kyle and Stan] Yes, Dr. Mephisto. > I grabbed her arm TOM: At this rate, Carolyn's going to be nothing but a torso by the end of the chapter. > and pulled her off the bed I also grabbed Legolas saying "you're > coming too I'm going to need your climbing skills. MIKE: Yeah. "Climbing skills". I'll bet. CROW: Now this is setting up to be interesting... > When we got > upstairs we tried to find where the branch was. TOM: Oh well, looks like it's protruding from Mom's skull... ho hum... next scene... MIKE: Whew... darkness setting in already, Tom? TOM: Bite me, Nelswan... I'm bitter! > "Oh my gosh." Carolyn whispered when we found it. ALL: *Carolyn*! TOM: Such *language*, you naughty girl! CROW: You should be ashamed of yourself, young lady! There are *minors* present! > > > > It was in my room coming through like a spear right onto the > pillow. CROW: [God] Damn, I missed. MIKE: Of course mentioning the pillow was on the floor six feet away from the bed might remove some of the drama... CROW: Spears... pillows... man, the Freudian symbolism is so overwhelming! MIKE: *sigh* I should have never let you take that online psychology course. TOM: Yeah, Crow, go resolve your Oedipal conflict or something... > Legolas gasped MIKE: [Legolas] *Oh*, I didn't notice the awful colour scheme in here before! > and my breath caught in my throat. "Good thing > you came downstairs," CROW: Easier clean up? > I said quietly squeezing his hand. MIKE: No. CROW: But it's so *easy*-- MIKE: NO. CROW: This is stifling of my freedom of expression! MIKE: You're absolutely right it is. CROW: I despise you, Mike. I just want you to know that. > "C'mon" I > said scrambling up into my closet (that's where the door to the attic > is) CROW: [Crystal] You have to go through Narnia to get to the attic. It's such a pain. > "We have to see if we can pull it out from up here." In the attic > the damage was worse that we expected The branch extended through the > roof and was as thick around as my arm MIKE: Either that's a really thin branch or a really thick girl! CROW: Mmm... Earth Mama! > "Don't touch the walls" MIKE: [Carolyn] They're electrified. TOM: [Crystal, happily] ...that means you'll die! Guwaaaa-haa-haaa!!! > Carolyn warned as Legolas was reaching out to feel the fluffy pink > insulation. CROW: [Legolas, as Homer Simpson] Mmmmmmmmm..... cotton candy! *drool* > "It will make you very itchy and uncomfortable." TOM: Anyone else thinking "social disease"? > He quickly withdrew his hand. CROW: Man, I love these new ATM's! MIKE: A is for anatomy, don't you know? > "Here Carolyn, Legolas" TOM: Which one is it?! Make up your mind! MIKE: Maybe she's handing him to Carolyn? > I said handing them both coats. MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, mine has duckies on it and it's three sizes too small! CROW: [Crystal] Oh, shut up, Elf Boy, unless you want another round with the Harry Potter book! MIKE: [Legolas] I'll be good.... > "We have to go outside to see the damage." MIKE: How different does a broken window look from the outside? > I grabbed > the key to the garage off the hook. TOM: Alright, could anyone please explain to me the inteligence in putting the key to your garage in your attic? [Pause.] Didn't think so. > The rain was coming down in > sheets we were drenched within a few minutes. CROW: Aren't they still in the house? MIKE: [Crystal] Then we remembered to put on our raincoats, then things were okay! > We went into the garage > and got out the ladder. Climbing onto the roof Legolas went and > secured a rope to the vent so we could walk around without falling > and dieing. CROW: [Crystal] o/~ Doodly, doodly, doodly... Oh my God, I'm falling! MIKE: [Carolyn] Wow, she died. > "Wow" Carolyn said and that just about summed up what we > were seeing. TOM: They were seeing an interjection? MIKE/CROW: Far out man/grooooovyyyyy! > It looked like there was a tree growing out of the house. TOM: Than why isn't the house *completely demolished*? > I was close to tears again. CROW: [Crystal, distraught] They delayed the release date of Return of the King! > Struggling to compose myself I > turned to my friends. "With all this rain" I started "it's not safe > to use power tools." TOM: [Legolas] *sniff* Not even your electric knife? MIKE: [Carolyn] Like it's ever safe for you, Madam Butterfingers. CROW: [Crystal] Bite me, Lady Ninefingers! TOM: So she thinks it safe for young adolescent children to use power tools when it ISN'T raining?! CROW: I'm just waiting for the scene were Legolas decapitates himself trying to figure out the chainsaw. > A look of frustration crossed Carolyn's face as > the realization of what I was saying dawned on her. CROW: [Carolyn] Not even battery-operated ones? MIKE: ... > Legolas just > looked confused. MIKE: Because even he was having trouble comprehending the plot. > "Come into the garage and I'll explain there." I > said gingerly making my way to the ladder. TOM: o/~ You can't catch me, I'm the ladder man! o/~ MIKE: What? TOM: [starts to sob] I just don't know anymore, Mike... > I dropped lightly to the > ground just glad to be on terra firma again. CROW: Well, ya know what they say... the firma the ground, the less the terra. > We hurried into the > garage happy to be out of the rain for the moment. "Basic lesson > first" I said not in the mood for games "electricity and water don't > go together TOM: [Crystal] Except when properly liquored up! > if they mix you get electrocuted or in simple terms burnt to a crisp. MIKE: [Legolas] Wh... what's... crisp? CROW: [Crystal] Shut up! No questions! > This is a chain saw CROW: Oooh! > we would use it if it wasn't raining, CROW: Aww... > it cuts really fast but seeing as it's raining we will use this" I > said holding up a handsaw. MIKE: [Legolas] Hmm... I prefer an axe, but this'll do! DIE!!! > We quickly designated jobs. Carolyn (who > didn't really know how to use a handsaw TOM: It's a handsaw! You move it back and forth! CROW: Yeah, even Mike can do that. MIKE: You want some of this, beakbrain? CROW: I got yer butt-kickin' right here, meat puppet. > would be working in my > bedroom trying to cut away the tip CROW: With what? A butter knife? TOM: [Carolyn] Where are you, Legolas? It's time for your "bris"! MIKE: [Legolas] AAAAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!! > while Legolas (the strongest one) and I (the one who knows how to use a > handsaw) would be working outside. MIKE: And the attic gets completely ignored. No respect with these dern kidsh... TOM: Yeesh, Carolyn is really being shafted, isn't she? CROW: These two 18-year-old girls have the elf of their dreams appear in their living room and all they do with him is yardwork? I'm losing my faith in humanity. > >************************************** CROW: Sheesh... who gave this load thirty-eight stars? TOM: Probably the same person who liked "The Horrors of Spider Island". MIKE: Doesn't even deserve one-tenth that many! > > 5. GIVE ME COFFEE!!! CROW: Or give me X-Lax! > Disclamer: I don't own Legolas TOM: [Crystal] ...yet. CROW: Mr. Video Camera and Ms. Whip say otherwise, dearie. > *Sings* All I want for Christmas is a > blonde haired Elf. CROW: So *he* can wish you Merry Christmas? MIKE: She got a brown-haired elf and a bottle of peroxide last year, but was not amused. > About two hours later (around 6:00am) we had finally finished. The > 'tree' was cut into firewood TOM: The Bohdi tree! No! CROW: They cut a tree in two hours? Even without the usage of power tools? MIKE: Must be one weak tree... > and we had put numerous tarps over the > holes to stop water from coming in. MIKE: Hey, she's fixing a hole where the rain gets in! TOM: It'll take more than that to keep her mind from wandering. > The sun was just coming up and the rain had lessened. MIKE: It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshine-y day. TOM: Or... will it? Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha! > "I don't think we will get anymore sleep" I > said, "you guys go dry off and I'll make coffee." MIKE: [Crystal] My skin acts as a shield against moisture. > I chose my sweetest blend CROW: o/~ Oooohhhhhhwooo-oooooohhhhh... the sweetest blend...o/~ > because I wanted to drink it black (to get more energy) MIKE: No, no. For more energy, you want to sweeten it so you can get both the caffeine buzz *and* the sugar buzz. TOM: [sings] I have my coffee and I want to drink it black/I see an elf lord and I want to paint him black... > and also because Legolas probably never had coffee before. TOM: A caffeinated elf? May the Valar save us all. CROW: [Legolas] Coffee? Hell, even I know what THAT is! > I started the coffee maker MIKE: Did I miss something or didn't the power go out a few chapters ago? TOM: I think we missed the scene where Crystal set up her auxiliary generator and Legolas electrocuted himself after he stuck his finger in the socket. > and went to get changed. [CROW leans forward intently.] > A few minutes later CROW: The house was a pile of smoldering embers... > we were sitting at the breakfast table watching the news and it seems we > fared quite well in the scheme of things, CROW: WHAT?!? That's it? You goddamn tease! I *paid* to see nude body pics and lesbian sex, and I aint leavin' until I get what I deserve! Uuuuraaah! [CROW takes repeated beatings to be put down.] > some people got their > houses crushed by trees. MIKE: [Treebeard] That's what they get for pissing off an Ent... hoom hom... TOM: [Crystal] Good thing my big strong plot device was there to protect me! > "Come on Legolas," I urged "drink your > coffee it will make you feel better and less tired." MIKE: [Narrator] drink your coffee it will make you feel better and less tired and have no need for punctuation so you talk like me. > He took a sip > and shuddered "this is awful" MIKE: [Legolas] You switched it with Folger's Crystals, didn't you?! > "Here add some cream and sugar to it" TOM: [Crystal] ...since you're a pansy who can't drink it BLACK! > I handed him the tray, he put a few spoonfuls in, CROW: Nothing like a few spoonfuls of tray with your coffee. > took a sip then > poured most of the container of sugar into his cup. CROW: He drinks coffee like you do, Mike. MIKE: I'd be offended if it weren't true. > ~Oh no he is > going to be sooo hyper~ MIKE: Great. Now he's going to be as stupid AND as hyper as the rest of the cast. TOM: Hyper~? CROW: Anime physics, *activate*! MIKE: Oh, wonderful. *Now* Crystal and Carolyn will be yelling "Baka!" and pulling out huge mallets. I wonder if anything could depress me more. > and just before Carolyn did the same TOM: They can't really both use all the sugar, can they? > I grabbed the sugar container away from her pouring just a little into > her cup. She glared at me "get over it you shouldn't be having that > much sugar" MIKE: [Crystal] But I haven't had any sugar! > "but Legolas put lots in" she retorted glancing CROW: Wow, that really got her ba--huh? TOM: That's Carolyn retorting. The fanfic has its speakers all screwed up! > at > Legolas who was now drinking his coffee with obvious relish. ALL: EEEWWW!!!! CROW: Next thing you know, Crystal'll be making tea with apparent mustard! TOM: Oh, I was thinking more along the lines of hot chocolate with ostensible ketchup! MIKE: Milk with unconcealed mayonnaise for me! > "Legolas has never had coffee before but you drink it almost every day." MIKE: [Crystal] So since his tolerance to caffeine is almost zero compared to yours, it makes sense that he also gets a pound-and- a-half of sugar! CROW: So, it's Legolas's "first time" while Carolyn does it "every day"? TOM: ...Ew. > "Ya I know but that's not fair" Carolyn started to argue, CROW: [Crystal] That does it! Go to your room and don't ever come down again! > but before she > said another word we both glanced at Legolas's chair. He was gone! TOM: The Amazing Disappearing Elf. Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen. CROW: YES! He's gettin' outta here while he still can! Go, Legolas! Yaaay! > "What? Where'd he go? I screamed. TOM: Ha, she's speaking in stage directions now. MIKE: [elderly man] Elderly man exits...? > As if an answer we both heard > Legolas jumping in the kitchen! CROW: *Heard* him jumping? Does he make the Mario 'boing' sound when he jumps? TOM: Nah, he makes the Six-Million Dollar Man sound. > "Oh No!!" we both said in unison TOM: This line brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. > as > we both ran up the stairs. CROW: [Crystal/Carolyn] Our beautiful floorboards! MIKE: This is, sadly, becoming a Mary Kate and Ashley movie. > There was Legolas jumping up and down screaming TOM: [Legolas] Hey, this is a great trampoline! CROW: [Carolyn] Legolas, that's the stove. TOM: [Legolas] Oh...that might explain why my feet keep bursting into flames. > something which sounded like " CROW: ...the first line of Prince's 'When Doves Cry'. TOM: [falsetto] o/~ Dig if you will a picture... o/~ > SPATULA... CROW: Shindig... Hullabaloo... Gabardine... Tuberculosis! TOM: The "Bulbous Bouffant" sketch, ladies and gentlemen! > HEHEEHEHHEEHEH EH>>...SPOORRKKNNNNN! TOM: AAAAHH! He's snapped! He's a rogue elf--he's got the mange! MIKE: The Tick! The Tick's here to save the day! Well, almost. CROW: [Legolas] HEHNEHEHHEH! I AM LEGHOLIO!!! > We both guessed it was the coffee. MIKE: [Crystal] Or it could've been the 'shrooms I added for flavor... CROW: Or the weasel down his pants. TOM: Well, you *do* claim to be smarter than he, you tell us! MIKE: Awwww, lay off her, Servo. TOM: Bite me! > "This could take a while, " I said to Carolyn. TOM: [Crystal] Sounds like Legolas needs some T.P. for his bunghole. > " oh ya!" Carolyn replied. [Mike pulls a remote out of his jumpsuit, aims it at the screen, and pushes a button.] > Just then we both broke into fits of laughter CROW: Butchering a beloved literary character's fun, isn't it? > as Legolas tried to eat the spoon! " OWW MY TEETH ...STUPID > CHOCOLATE!!!!" he screamed. MIKE: Who knew coffee made elves stupid? CROW: Suddenly, it seems the Mormons' law against coffee is starting to make sense... > "Legolas that's not-" before I could > finish he interrupted and started about cooking! " I CAN > COOOKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!...I'LL COOK SOMETHING FOR YOU!!!!!!! CROW: Iron Chef Legolas is making stir-fried lembas wrapped in mallorn leaves with a side order of orc tentacles and cram. > WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!" he hollered as he pushed us into the other room. [Mike pushes the button again.] > "We shouldn't let him be in there alone" I said to Carolyn as we were > trying to catch our breath from laughing at him. [Pause.] TOM: Wha... wah... wuh... That... That was... That was a... coincidence, surely... CROW: So, just to recap... Two nearly jailbait girls are laughing at the prince of Mirkwood. MIKE: Yes. CROW: The elf prince of Mirkwood who tried to cold-heartedly murder them on sight nine hours ago. MIKE: Yes. CROW: They are laughing at him. MIKE: Yes. CROW: There is no god. MIKE: Yes. CROW: You are not listening to a single word I have been saying. MIKE: No. [Crow squints suspiciously at Mike, who continues watching the fic aloof.] > "Uh oh what's that > noise??? " Carolyn screamed over the noise. TOM: So, which of the noises is concerning us? CROW: Crystal, think about this. Do you really WANT TO KNOW? > We were about to get up and go into the kitchen he came running out. > "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" MIKE: Uh oh, looks like Legolas just discovered Martha Stewart. TOM: 64 H's. And 6 A's. That'd be more of a sigh than a scream, wouldn't it? CROW: And not a single mark of punctuation. TOM: Well, he used so many in the last few lines that he must be running out now. > he screamed at the top of his lungs. MIKE: [Legolas] Enrique Iglesias is on Larry King Live! > He ran and hid behind us pushing us into the kitchen. TOM: [Yossarian] The walls! The walls! MOVE BACK THE WALLS!! > " SPOONS HAVE GOOONE CRAAAZY!!" TOM: [gravely] The whereabouts of The Tick are unknown. CROW: [Crystal, sniffing the sugar bowl] Oops, gave him the heroin by mistake! > he said in panic. CROW: [Legolas] They just declared martial law and started looting the pantry! Now they're trying to get Betty Crocker Day instituted as a national holiday! > " Don't worry " we reassured him. CROW: [Crystal] So have we! Woo hooooooo!!! Stupid elf... I feel... wooonderfuuuul! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! > As we slowly walked into > the kitchen we covered our ears, the noise was to loud and teddy > barking wasn't helping! He had stuck all the spoons into the blender > with some golden grahams. TOM: Ah, so *that's* how they cram all that graham! > As the blender swirled and bounced off the counter CROW: It's a bouncing baby blender. > spoons were flying out of it. It was like an episode of "spoons gone bad" TOM: o/~ Bad spoon, bad spoon! What ya' gonna do! o/~ CROW: Man, Fox is really scraping the bottom of the barrel for reality-show ideas... MIKE: Fox - proudly reaching for the lowest common denominator since 1989! > We ran out and told Legolas to stay out. TOM: [Legolas] D'you mean it? Huh? Do you really? > Carolyn > and I ran in the kitchen and UN plugged the blender MIKE: Despite strong opposition from France and Germany. TOM: Resolution 2552 clearly stated "immediate and complete disarmament of spoons and graham crackers" or the blender faced "serious consequences". > and burst into > fits of laughter! MIKE: [Crystal] Hee-hee! Watching elves go mental is fun! > "Great meal huh? " MIKE: [Crystal] When my mom finds out what we did to her kitchen... *BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA*! > Carolyn said. I could hardly > breath. Finally after 10 minutes we caught our breath and suddenly > realize that it was all quiet. " This cant be TOM: --possible, with those two girls in the house. Not to mention the yappy dogs. > good," I said to > Carolyn. We dropped everything and ran into the other rooms. CROW: All of them? At once? > We found Legolas in my bedroom playing around with my Stuffed animals. ALL: Aaaah! CROW: Please Mike? It's just ASKING me to! A scene like that deserves a nice, dirty joke! MIKE: Crow, you've hit your quota for the next five chapters, I think. TOM: [sobbing] Mike, poor Legolas! What is she doing to him? What did he do to deserve this? CROW: It's horrible, horrible. Destinygurl must be Sauron himself! MIKE: Easy guys, we'll make it through. This isn't the real Legolas, remember that. Has this character done or said *anything* even *remotely* like the real Legolas? TOM: Hey, you're right, Mike! For all we know Legolas could be a really popular name these days... CROW: Yeah... hehehe... that... really helped, Mike. MIKE: Good. Now let's rip into it! > We just stood in the doorway cracking up! TOM: o/~ They're coming to take me away, ha-HA! o/~ > He grabbed my stuffed Odie (as in > Garfield and Odie) TOM: And here I thought it was an Oedipus plushie from the Sophocles collection. MIKE: What, she can explain an obvious reference like Garfield but not one like "Spoons Gone Bad?" Sheesh! > and started making a really funny noise. " [Crow opens his mouth but doesn't speak; only an odd tone like that of a test of the Emergency Broadcast System is heard.] MIKE: Okay, you can stop that now. > FFPPZZSSSFC" CROW: His seal's cracked! He's gonna blow! MIKE: Elvish... such a beautiful language. > he screamed and threw Odie at the window. CROW: Gee, too bad her Odie toy was made of concrete! TOM: [Legolas] Hey, it won't stick to the window! What gives? > Carolyn and I were laughing our heads off at the doorway! MIKE: [Crystal] Forget elf boy, this doorway is hysterical! CROW: [Carolyn] I never thought red mahogany could be so entertaining! > He then grabbed all the > Stuffed animals he could and shoved us out of the way and ran down > the stairs. MIKE: [Legolas] Beanie Babies! Mint! Rare! And they're mine! All mine!!! > Grabbing onto our stomachs TOM: What, did they fall off too? MIKE: Random body parts are trying to escape the fanfic now. > we ran downstairs as fast as > we could. There he sat all the Stuffed animals around, he spoke to > all the Stuffed animals as if they could understand him. " TOM: I've deduced from this story that coffee makes you stupid. > So what's your name?" he asked my teddy bear. CROW: [frighteningly cute voice] Hello, I'm Teddy Ruxpin. MIKE & TOM: AHHHHH! TOM: Crow, promise you'll never do that again! > After waiting bout 5 minutes he > screamed, ALL: [The Rock] IT DOESN'T *MATTER* WHAT YOUR NAME IS! > " FINE...!!! YOU DONT WANNA TELL ME !!!!!.... and threw the > bear across the room. TOM: Make that stupid and violent. CROW: Ohhh, it's such a shame to see a marriage turn to violence so quickly... > We had to duck. It almost hit our heads. When > he finally threw the last stuffy he said MIKE: [Legolas] I *AM* KIROK! > " I DONT LIKE YOUR > FRIENDS!!" CROW: [British accent] Well ruff ruff!!! > and again we broke into fits of giggles! " Th--Ey Ca--nt > Ta--lk!!!!!" CROW: lk? TOM: lk. CROW: OK. > I said trying to catch my breath. Carolyn was on the > floor and laughing her really hyper laugh (so it sounded as if she > couldn't breath at all). " Uh? What's u say? [All open their mouths, then stop] TOM: Umm... We were all about to say "Someone set us up the bomb," weren't we? CROW: Yep. MIKE: Yep. TOM: So, let's just say we did and move on, okay? OTHERS: Okay! > I think your friend on the floor needs help!!!! IT SOUNDS AS IF > SHE'S-----SHE'S ---------- RUNNING OUT OF BREATH. CROW: Well, get the bike pump! > WELL WE GOTTA HELP HER!!!!!" TOM: [Crystal] Well, call an ambulance, you idiot! CROW: [Legolas] I beg your pardon? What is this... am..bo..lance? > he ran over to Carolyn. TOM: Oh for the love of all that is good, he isn't going to do the CPR routine is he?! > I couldn't hold it in anymore I > joined carolyn on the floor . TOM: Damnit, Mike, this is too easy even for *me*! MIKE: "No", says Mr. happyfun pair of wire strippers...! TOM: ...I'll be good. > There were laughing like crazy with > Legolas panicking that we were about to run out of breath and die!! TOM: [Crystal] Because people on Middle-Earth don't laugh. > Finally we caught our breath and sat up. As we had though, Legolas > was back to his regular self. MIKE: Elves metabolize coffee quickly, too, huh? CROW: Yeah, right, fanfic! I wasn't made out of special parts used to control when the movie begins or ends yesterday, you know! TOM: [Crystal] Caffeine buzz turns on, caffeine buzz turns off. Caffeine buzz turns on, caffeine buzz turns off. > He sat there wonder why we were > laughing and why there were theses animals all around the room. CROW: Ooh, so Crystal's a Master's student in biology at Harvard? TOM: Well, Legolas just appeared out of a television set, Crystal just magically *knew* about the branch in the attic, and coffee buzzes are violent hallucinogenic reactions that dissipate in minutes. I'd say anything was possible at this point. > (He didn't know they were stuffed.) TOM: Because Beanie Babies look so natural. MIKE: [Legolas, as Italian grandmother] Mangia, mangia! What, you don't like my food, all of a sudden? > We finally explained everything to > him as he sat there in shock not believing what he had, done pretty > soon he too was laughing at himself. Memtal note never *NEVER* give > Legolas sugar MIKE: ...or this author a keyboard. TOM: [Crystal] Forget the sugar! Buckets of caffeine'll do. > > > The next little while was quiet we fixed the roof and just hung > around the house. MIKE: [Crystal] While Legolas shook off the sugar DTs... CROW: Sorry girls... not with chewed bubble gum and wet Scotch tape you don't. > I taught Legolas how to play Nintendo 64. MIKE: Geez, Crystal. That reference is sooooo mid-to-late 1990's! CROW: Yeah... so she hasn't graduated to the GameCube yet? TOM: She doesn't want to show *too* much too soon to this visitor from Middle-Earth. > After a few bumpy rounds he actually beat me at Mario party once. I was > amazed no one has ever beaten me before. MIKE: [Crystal] Because I really suck. CROW: Legolas... elf, archer, greenleaf prince of Mirkwood... and a *bitchin'* Nintendo player! TOM: [Legolas] Oh the glory! Does that render me... how do you say... computer... literary? > In the afternoons we went > out into my backyard and practiced archery. Legolas seemed to think I > was a natural and after a few lessons I almost beat him. MIKE: [Crystal] With my bow, because he's so annoying... TOM: Whoa--more like a "supernatural". CROW: Now hold on one-- MIKE: [muffling Crow] Ssshhh. We know. We know. > In the evenings we usually sat around and talked. TOM: Pffft. Chicks. MIKE: This is delving perilously close to "Dear Diary" territory. > On the second evening as we sat in my living room talking an idea came to > me "Legolas" I asked "Could you sing us a song in elfish" TOM: [Legolas] Are you asking me or telling me? MIKE: [Belle] o/~ Sing me a story, sing me a rhyme... o/~ > "Ok but each of you have to sing something when I'm done" CROW: Is this like TRUTH OR DARE, or someth--gurk. MIKE: [throttling CROW] NO. IT. ISN'T. > > > A Elbereth Gilthoniel, MIKE: Translation: I'm too lazy to make my own song out of Elvish words; I'll just cut and paste the song from the book. ALL: Ctrl-V is your *friend*! > silivren oenna miriel MIKE: Girls - get out of there! He's summoning Chthulu!!! > o menel aglar elenath! MIKE: [slightly drawn out] Saaatan is Gooood! CROW: [ditto, snickering] This stoooory suuucks!!! TOM: Crow, what's subliminal about that? CROW: Hmmm... guess you're right. > Na-chaered palan-diriel TOM: Why do I get the feeling he's just singing his laundry list? > o galadhremmin ennorath, Fanuilos, le, linnathon > nef aearm si nef aearon! TOM: [Legolas] o/~ And elves just wanna have funnnnn.... o/~ > > > > TOM: Now, we simulate Legolas getting a glass of water mid-song. > A Elbereth Gilthoniel, MIKE: o/~ We're spendin' most our lives, livin' in an elvish paradise... o/~ > silivren oenna miriel ALL: o/~ Ooka chucka ooka ooka ooka chucka ooka ooka... o/~ > o menel aglar elenath! CROW: Funny thing is, you can actually sing this to Creed's "Higher." > Na-chaered palan-diriel > o galadhremmin ennorath, Fanuilos, le, linnathon ALL: o/~ And a partridge in a pear tree! o/~ > nef aearm si nef aearon! CROW: Whew... now I know why King Elessar passed all of those "Westron First" laws early in the Fourth Age... TOM: Geez... *somebody's* read the appendix... > > "That was wonderful" Carolyn said for she had heard elves had > wonderful voices but this was better than she imagined. MIKE: [Carolyn] OOOH! Can you do "Bye Bye Bye?" > "Your turn > Crystal" Legolas said nudging me. "What shall I sing?" I asked the > air. CROW: [Air] Oh, do that one about 'gettin' jiggy wit' it'. I so love that one. MIKE: o/~ Oh, I'm... bringing home a baby bumblebee... won't my mommy be so proud of me... o/~ BOTS: No!!! > "Oh I know" I turned on the CD player "is it ok if I have > music?" I got two nods ALL: CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! > "this is a story about a murder MIKE: [Crystal] It's called "The Night We Killed Legolas!" Guwaa-haa-haa!!! > on the northern end of Vancouver Island. ALL: o/~ The day that Billy Joe McCallister jumped off the Tallahachee Briiidge! o/~ > (In British Columbia Canada)" ALL: o/~ Blame Canada! Blame Canada! o/~ CROW: Her ability to speak with parenthesis is uncanny. TOM: It's not hard. (Once you get the hang of it.) > > > > Oh here is a story of poor Jack O'Connor MIKE: What? They wrote a song about a baseball player from the 1880's? BOTS: Rowdy Jack! Rowdy Jack! Rowdy Jack! > And the tale that surrounds his untimely demise CROW: He was hit by a fastball? TOM: [Crystal] o/~ He got drunk, went on a killing spree, brought down by 58 Mounties...o/~ > Submitted in fact as just one like example > Of such gruesome history Read Island's comprised MIKE: Legolas sings a beautiful elven ballad of love for the wood; Crystal breaks out Dr. Seuss. > > Oh the wind weathered rocks on the coast of Read Island CROW: o/~ Make very good blunt objects! o/~ > Guard over the mysteries of her own tragic lore > For it's said to this day that the ghosts of Read Island MIKE: o/~ Think songs of Read Island are gratuitous bores. o/~ > Appear in the mist of her desolate shores MIKE: o/~ But it turns out it was only Patrick Swayze o/~ > > Jack Myers was a blackheart, a thief and a braggart TOM: o/~ But other than that, a swell guy! o/~ > Who sold stolen whiskey from his sloop in the bay MIKE: o/~ Or so my drunk uncle Big Willie might say o/~ > When Tayor camp loggers bought up twenty-six bottles > Little they knew what a price would be paid CROW: Their *souls*! > > After a weekend of two fisted drinking MIKE: o/~ He decided two "handed" drinking would work better o/~ > Myers ran amok with an old forty-four TOM: Hey, I thought I was kidding with the whole "drunken rampage" thing... > O'er a wager turned sour, on Monday's wee hours > Poor Jack O'Connor lay dead on the floor CROW: That's not a very good limerick, girls. TOM: Wait wait, I'm lost... are we in 3/4 or 4/4 time? > > Oh the wind weathered rocks on the coast of Read Island > Guard over the mysteries of her own tragic lore > For it's said to this day that the ghosts of Read Island > Appear in the mist of her desolate shores MIKE: So come on down to Read Island's "Dead Drunk Guy Days" festival! TOM: We see dead people, and so can you! > A magistrate came, Michael Manson by name TOM: Well, that's one Manson without a record... get it? Charles Manson...criminal record...Marilyn Manson...musical... LAUGH, DAMN YOU! MIKE: Alright Tom, we get it! > Who, along with Fred Hussey would perform the inquest CROW: Damn! That's one scandalous inquest then! TOM: A judicial tag team! > Those who witnessed the act testified to facts > And a warrant was issued for Jack Myers arrest TOM: Wow! It's all so old-fashioned and romantic! CROW: This sounds like something Bob Dylan would write while he was high. TOM: In other words, a Bob Dylan song. MIKE: Zing! > A posse was sworn and with posted reward > They sailed from Nanaimo on the "Joan" and "Estelle" MIKE: Mrs. Rivers and Mrs. Getty were understandably pissed about that. > When at last they found Myers hold up in Bute Inlet > They brought him for trial, his story to tell > > The arm of the law is both strong and far reaching CROW: o/~ Or it would be if the cops would ever put down the doughnuts o/~ > Though he swore self defence, at the end of the day > Jack Myers was sentenced to a long life in prison > For killing O'Connor in a blind drunken rage TOM: So much for telling his side of the story... CROW: Well how long does it really take to say "Got drunk. Capped a guy?" > Oh the wind weathered rocks on the coast of Read Island > Guard over the mysteries of her own tragic lore > For it's said to this day that the ghosts of Read Island > Appear in the mist of her desolate shores TOM: What ghosts?! There aren't any ghosts in the song at all! CROW: Yeah, it's just one drunken lout who murdered another. What kinda trick are you trying to pull, fanfic? > MIKE: [Soft Rock DJ] And that was Crystal with the first single from her debut CD, "Songs in the Key of 'Eh.'" > (Song: Ghost of read Island Author/Singer: Bruce Coughlan CD: The > View From Here) CROW: Hey! He stole that title right from under Barbara Walters' nose! [All snicker.] > > > > CROW: Well... MIKE: I'm guessing she even transcribed the static. > "You have a very nice voice" Legolas commented. TOM: [snickering, as over P.A.] Simon Cowell? Paging Simon Cowell. Simon, we've got a real doozy for you! > "I told you, youcould sing!" Carolyn yelled (she had been telling me for > years that I should sing more) MIKE: Mostly because it keeps you from talking. TOM: [Carolyn] Come on, all those dogs' ears to get to! > Alright Carolyn lets see how I measure up to you." CROW: [Sailor Jupiter] I have really big br--um, talent! > Carolyn sung wild child by Enya TOM: "The Jungle Book II: The Story of Mowgli." MIKE: [Destinygurl] Oh, but who cares about her, let's talk more about me and my magnificence! > Ever close your eye, ever stop and listen Ever feel alive, like > you've MIKE: Had ten cans of Jolt? > nothing missing CROW: o/~ Have you ever seen a grown man naked? o/~ > You don't need a reason, let the day go on and on TOM: Just like this fic. MIKE: o/~ Finlaaand Finlaaand Finlaaand... o/~ CROW: o/~ The country where I want to be, reading cheesy fanfiction, written by Destiny... o/~ > > > Let the rain fall down, everywhere around you > > Give into it now, let the day surround you TOM: o/~ Throw down your guns and put your hands where the day can see them o/~ > You don't need a reason, CROW: You do, however, need a sharp blow to the head in order to enjoy Enya. > let the rain go on and on > > > > What a day ALL: o/~ What a wonderful kind of day! HEY! o/~ > > What a day to take to CROW: Two acid hits? MIKE: Um, Crow? That's to, not two? CROW: ...the hell? You're ragging on *my* spelling? Look at what's right in front of you! > What a way TOM: o/~ ...to read a crappy fanfiiiiic o/~ > > What a way > > To make it through MIKE: o/~ Twelve more pages of song lyrics o/~ > What a day > > What a day to take to CROW: o/~ The streets with automatic weapons, hunting down those who've wronged you o/~ > A wild child > > > > Only take the time, from the helter skelter MIKE: o/~ Well do you, don't you want me to love you? o/~ > > Everyday you find, everything's in kilter > > You don't need a reason, TOM: o/~ To dance naked in the street o/~ MIKE: o/~ To eat Flamin' Hot Cheetos 'till your tongue goes numb o/~ CROW: o/~ To want to crush this author's skull with a pipe wrench o/~ > let the day go on and on TOM: o/~ Look at all our trials and tribulations... sinking in a gentle bowl of wine... o/~ > > > Every summer sun, every winter evening > > Every spring to come, every autumn leaving TOM: o/~ Every trailer park... o/~ CROW: o/~ Every senseless beating... o/~ MIKE: Wow; dark, guys. > > You don't need a reason, TOM: o/~ To say "WE GET IT ALREADY!!" > let it all go on and on MIKE: And it looks like the song's going to go on and on too. TOM: Grrr...okay, we get it! SHE'S SINGING! How many more copyrights are you trying to break, anyway?! Can't we call some RIAA lawyers or something?! MIKE: Tom, the RIAA wants you dead for uploading all those Madonna MP3s to KaZaA. TOM: Damn... CROW: Told you that would come back to haunt ya. > > > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > What a way > > What a way CROW: I see... so this is going on and on. MIKE: Hey, you don't need a reason! > To make it through > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > A wild child > > > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > What a way > > What a way > > To make it through TOM: A song that repeats the same lines over... and over... and over again! > What a day > > What a day to take to > > A wild child CROW: AHH! The song just lapped itself! > > > What a day TOM: To take this fic, shine it up really nice, and shove it straight up... MIKE: Hey, hey! Calm down! > What a day to take to > > What a way > > What a way > > To make it through > > What a day > > What a day to take to TOM: Aaaahhhh! This song has sucked us into a never-ending Enya netherworld! It just repeats endlessly! CROW: [now sobbing] It's sucking out our souls with each endless verse! MIKE: Come on, hold yourself together, guys, you can make it...just keep on trying! > > Da-Da-Da- MIKE: Just when you think the song can't repeat itself any more, it goes and surprises you. > Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da TOM: o/~ Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson... o/~ CROW: o/~ Won't this crappy fanfic ever end? Eh-eh-end! o/~ > Da-Da-Da CROW: You know why I love Enya? Her deep lyrics. > > What a way MIKE: To pad a chapter out so it looks more impressive... > > What a way > > To make it through > > Da-Da-Da- MIKE: Guys, Enya music is supposed to be soothing, right? BOTS: Right. MIKE: So why does this song make me want slam my head against the wall until my brain falls out? BOTS: Allergies. MIKE: Right. > Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da MIKE: Hmmm... I see Destiny here knows Russian... [The bots snicker.] > Da-Da-Da TOM: Lyrics by baby Elizabeth. > Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da TOM: Maybe the singer's regressing to an infantile stage! > What a way > > What a way > > To make it through CROW: I think what they're really trying to say is "Da-Da-Da-Da-Da". TOM: But you're missing the overlying message, which is "What a way, what a way!" > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > A wild child > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > A wild child > > (Song: Wild Child Singer: Enya CD: A Day Without Rain) CROW: Original soundtrack not available. You'll thank us. > TOM: Is it...is it over? MIKE: Yeah, there are the song credits...it's finally done. CROW: Mike, can I go upload a bunch of Metallica MP3s now and tell them Destinygurl did it? Please? > > > "That was beautiful" Legolas said in awe. CROW: [Legolas] People actually make money writing that crap. Beautiful! > "I've never heard you sing > like that," I said. "That was my solo voice" TOM: Usually she sings in tongues. CROW: [Legolas] Great! Now can you sing "'solo' I can't hear you"? MIKE: *groan* > "So I alone am not good > enough for your solo voice. I've never heard you sing like that." MIKE: [Carolyn] Have you ever heard me sing like that? > I said glaring at Carolyn (she's the only one who can withstand my > glare probably because she gets it so much) TOM: Thank you, fanfic, for that pointless aside. MIKE: We all love her because she frightens everyone round her with merely a look! > "Sing something together" > Legolas urged. ALL: [screaming in horror] NO! NO! TOM: Don't encourage them! CROW: Have you no sense of decency?! > "Sure why not" MIKE: Because if you do, I will find a way to crawl through that text and beat you with a sock full of marbles. > I said glancing at Carolyn she nodded, > I smiled we were going to sing our best duet. BOTS: [Girls, showtune style] o/~ I ain't happy! I'm feelin bad! I got sunshine in a bag! o/~ > "This is a song from > the musical Cats" TOM: AAAAAHHH! MIKE, NO!!!!!!!!! CROW: A part of me just died. MIKE: [low] Think happy thoughts... think happy thoughts... think... > > > > Macavity! MIKE: Might want to see a dentist about that. > Macavity's a mystery cat > He's called the Hidden Paw > For he's a master criminal who can defy the law CROW: [Macavity] o/~ For my years of abuse, I'll murder them all! o/~ > He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard > The Flying Squad's despair TOM: Not to mention *ours*... > For when they reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there! MIKE: I didn't know "Lupin the Third" translated into "Macavity..." > Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity MIKE: And for that, we're all thankful. > He's broken every human law CROW: Starting with the law of decency. > He breaks the law of gravity TOM: Yeah? So do most Olympic high jumpers, so what's your point? > His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare MIKE: Not to mention most ordinary people... > And when you reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there! > You may seek him in the basement TOM: [child] Aaah! Mom, there's a furry in the basement! > You may look up in the air > But I tell you once and once again > Macavity's not there! CROW: Oh look, he's hiding up my nose... has been all along! MIKE: Actually you've told us *three* times, and I really wish you'd stop! > > Macavity's a ginger cat TOM: Macavity's a *stupid* cat. > He's very tall and thin > You would know him if you saw him for his eyes are sunken in MIKE: So you're saying he's a heroin addict. CROW: Naw... just got 'em gouged out... > His brow is deeply lined with thought CROW: [Macavity] Hmm... poop *in* the litter box, or...? > His head is highly domed TOM: Hair care by Jean-Luc Picard. CROW: [Macavity] Make it so! > His coat is dusty from neglect > His whiskers are uncombed > He sways his head from side to side TOM: That's the drugs, dear. > With movements like a snake > And when you think he's half asleep > He's always wide awake! CROW: Hmmm... Santa Claws? (The others groan). TOM: He must drink the same coffee Crystal stocks. > > Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity > For he's a fiend in feline shape MIKE: Or as I call him, "your average housecat". > A monster of depravity TOM: Ya know, I always knew Randy Moss wasn't human... [All snicker.] > You may meet him in a by-street > You may see him in the square > But when a crime's discovered then Macavity's not there! > > He's outwardly respectable > I know he cheats at cards CROW: [Yosemite Sam voice] I've got four aces! TOM: [same] Well, I've got FIVE aces! > And his footprints are not found in any files of Scotland Yard's TOM: Probably because Scotland Yard deals with *crimes* perpetrated by *human beings*! > And when the larder's looted > Or the jewel cases rifled MIKE: Okay, who's been going through my CD collection? > Or when the milk is missing > Or another Peke's been stifled CROW: Peke, will you STIFLE YOURSELF!? > Or the greenhouse glass is broken and the trellis past repair > There's the wonder of the thing: > Macavity's not there! MIKE: Sheesh, has it ever occurred to you that maybe he's innocent then? > Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity > There never was a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity MIKE: Please. Have you met my friend Don's cat, Mixie? > He always has an alibi and one or two to spare TOM: [inspector] Okay, talk, Macavity. Where were you on the night Chicago died?! > Whatever time the deed took place, Macavity wasn't there! CROW: [Judge Judy] Dismissed! > And they say that all the cats whose wicked deeds are widely known > (I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone) MIKE: Please, don't. > Are nothing more than agents for the cat who all the time > Just controls the operations > The Napoleon of Crime! TOM: Professor Moriarty? How did *he* get dragged into this?! > > Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity > He's a fiend in feline shape > A monster of depravity > You may meet him in a by-street > You may see him in the square > TOM: Wha?--She just left out a whole line here! > discovered then Macavity's not there! > > (Macavity, T.S. Elliot, CROW: Figures, since this chapter is certainly a "Wasteland"! TOM: It could have been worse. She could have recited "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"! MIKE: Ah, if only to be a patient etherized on the table right now... > Put to music by > Andrew Lloyd Webber MIKE: Making the world a darker place. CROW: Only song pads the fic... > > "That was great your voices blend so well together" Legolas praised. MIKE: Hmmm... big fan of twelve-tone serialism, are you Legolas? > "Thank you mellonim " CROW: [Crystal] For darkening my skin tone! > I said blushing with pride. "Sing one more, > Please" Legolas begged giving us the puppy dog eyes. ALL: TEDDY! NO!!!! TOM: Ya know, maybe whacking Legolas with a spatula wasn't such a bad idea after all! MIKE: Can an elf really make puppy dog eyes? CROW: [Crystal] Wow, I guess it's time to teach Legolas about Visine. > "Sure, ok." I > answered. BOTS: [Girls] Two... Three... Four! o/~ All I wanna do is runna zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom! o/~ > > > The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees > > The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon the cloudy sea > > The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor CROW: o/~ The song was a pretentious assemblage of cliched metaphors o/~ > > And the highwayman came riding riding riding TOM: And this song kept sucking sucking sucking... > And the highwayman came riding up to the old inn door CROW: Guests of "The Highwayman" stay at The Green Dragon Inn, Bywater. MIKE: This is nice and musical and all BUT CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO WHAT LITTLE STORY THERE WAS?!? PLEASE!?! > > > > He'd a French cocked hat on his forehead CROW: Or, to be more current, a "Freedom cocked hat." TOM: Ah, the mark of a man highly trained in the art of surrender. > and a bunch of lace at his > chin TOM: Wow, how tough and intimidating. MIKE: Ahh, his mask has to cover it up... right? > A coat of claret velvet and breeches of brown doeskin MIKE: And to think we were worried about letting your babies grow up to be cowboys! > They fitted with never a wrinkle his boots were up to the thigh MIKE: [campy] Oh, thigh-highs are *so* out this year! CROW: [trembling] Oh, yes, say that again... TOM: Hey! It's bad enough that *he's* creeping us out! > And he rode with a jewelled twinkle his pistol butts a-twinkle CROW: [flighty] I think your guns are FAB-U-LOOOUS! TOM: "His butt was a-twinkle?" Eww! > His rapier hilt a-twinkle under the jewelled sky CROW: Old twinkletoes is on the loose again, I see. MIKE: That is two uses of 'twinkle' too many for any song but 'Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star'. > > > MIKE: So why exactly does this guy need to rob stagecoaches? CROW: The thrill of the chase; why else? TOM: Dramatic pause or just more padding? You make the call! > Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark in yard CROW: Fortunately, the ice machine covered the noise up. > And he tapped with his whip on the shutters but all was locked and > bared MIKE: [highwayman] Hey! Can I get some service here? > He whistled a tune to the window and who should be waiting there > > But the landlord's black-eyed daughter TOM: Ya know, landlord, that's why they have child abuse assistance programs! > Bess the landlord's daughter CROW: And Roy, the shotgun-toting landlord. TOM: WE DON'T GET IT, FANFIC! WHOSE DAUGHTER IS SHE, AGAIN?! Sheesh. > > Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair TOM: Um... song? It's called blood... CROW: And you call me dark? > > > One kiss my bony sweetheart TOM: Hey! Anorexia is a serious medical condition, and shouldn't be taken lightly! CROW: Hah! "Lightly!" TOM: Oops. > I'm after a prize tonight > but I'll be back with the yellow gold before the morning light MIKE: So at least Thomas Covenant doesn't have to worry about that. CROW: I'm gonna win that twenty-four hours of track and field this year, I swear it! MIKE: [highwayman] Tomorrow - Twinkies for all! ALL: HUZZAH!!! > > Yet if they press me sharply and harry me through the day > > Then look for me by the moonlight watch for me by the moonlight > > I'll come to thee by the moonlight though hell should bar the way CROW: Uh... Huh? TOM: "I'll see you tomorrow if I'm not in jail." CROW: Ah! > > > He rose upright in the stirrups he scarce could reach her hand MIKE: Okay, let's move on to plan B... > But she loosened her hair i' the casement his face burnt like a brand CROW: FOOM! MIKE: [highwayman] Uh, sorry. Look, hair grows back, right? > As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast > > And he kissed its waves in the moonlight oh sweet waves in the > moonlight TOM: Given the attention he pays to his clothing, maybe this is no surprise. > Then he tugged at his rein in the moonlight and galloped away to the > west > > > > He did not come at the dawning he did not come at noon > > And out o' the tawny sunset before the rise o' the moon > > When the road was a gypsy's ribbon looping the purple moor > > A red coat troop came marching marching marching ALL: o/~ And those caissons go rolling along!!! o/~ > King George's men came marching up to the old inn door > > > > They said no word to the landlord they drank his ale instead MIKE: [landlord] You gonna pay for that?! Uncouth barbarian pigs... > > But they gagged hi daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow > bed ALL: WHOA! MIKE: Talk about your full-service establishments! CROW: Aw... how sweet. That greeting by the troops adds a nice touch to the tying-the-landlord's-daughter-to-the-bed scene. TOM: Sheesh, they probably had the lyrics right in front of them, too! > > Two of them knelt at the casement with muskets at there side MIKE: There wolf. There an old man, wizened with age. TOM: Phew--it's not *sex,* it's *violence!* > > There was death at every window and hell at one dark window CROW: [Hell] Hey man, I got the dark winduh. You got all them other winduz! > > For bess could see through the casement the road that he would ride > > > > They had tied her up to attention with many a sniggering jest > > They had bound a musket beside her with the barrel beneath her Brest TOM: Her copy of the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, no! > > Now keep good watch and they kissed her she heard the dead man say > > Look for me by the moonlight watch for me by the moonlight > > I'll come to thee by the moonlight though hell should bar the way > > > > She twisted her hands behind her but all the knots held good CROW: Um... song? Being tied to the bed isn't *always* good. TOM: So then, is it ev... gaaaaaaa! CROW! Cut that out! CROW: *snicker* > She writhed her hands till her fingers were drenched with sweat and > blood > > They stretched and strained in the darkness CROW: [Bess] Is it *in* yet? TOM: [Highwayman] ... > and the hours crawled by like years CROW: Yeah, that'll happen if you watch Ralph Bakshi's "Lord of the Rings". > Till now on the stroke of midnight cold on the stroke of midnight > > The tip of her fingers touched it the trigger at least was hers MIKE: But!... Will you trade it all for what's in the *box?* CROW: The box! The box! > > > > Tlot-tlot CROW: Tlot? > had they heard it TOM: Well, given they're not stifling laughter... > the horses-hoofs were ringing clear > > Tlot-tlot CROW: Tlot?! MIKE: Well, maybe it's a horse with a speech impediment. > in the distance were they deaf that they did not hear MIKE: Well, hey. If the bad guys can't aim, then why can't they not hear too? > Down the ribbon of moonlight over the brow of the hill > > The highwayman came riding riding riding TOM: And we just stopped caring caring caring... > The redcoats looked to the priming she stood up strait and still > > > > Tlot in the frosty silence tlot in the echoing night CROW: *Tlot?!* MIKE: Yes, "tlot." TOM: Any time is a good time for "tlot!" > Nearer he came and nearer her face was like a light > > Her eyes grew wide for a moment she drew one last deep breath > > Then her finger moved in the moonlight her musket shattered the > moonlight > > Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him away with her death MIKE: So she stuffed her dress with champagne glasses? > > > He turned he spurred to the west he did not know he stood > > Bowed with her head o'er the musket drenched with her own red blood > > Not till the dawn he herd it his face grew grey to hear TOM: Hey! That's the color adjustment, not the volume knob! > How bess the landlord's daughter the landlords black-eyed daughter > > Had watched for her lover in the moonlight and died in the darkness > there > > > > Back he spurred like a madman shrieking a curse to the sky MIKE: [highwayman] I'll haaarm you! TOM: Hey, watch your language! This is a PG-rated MSTing! > With the white road smoking behind him his rapier brandished high > > Blood-red were spurs i' the golden noon wine-red was his velvet coat > > When they shot him down on the highway down like a dog on the highway TOM: Oh, *that* worked well. MIKE: I swear, Caltrans workers get no respect at all... > He lay in his blood on the highway with a bunch of lace at his throat CROW: And he died like he lived: a fop. > > > > Still of a winters night they say when the wind is in the trees > > When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon the cloudy seas > > When the road is a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor > > A highwayman comes riding riding riding MIKE: [highwayman] And man, these pantaloons keep riding riding riding... up my crotch! > A highwayman comes riding up to the old inn door CROW: [Innkeeper] We're booked! TOM: Now, if he had only used hotels.com... > > (Song: Highwayman Artist: Loreena McKennitt CD: The Book Of Secrets). MIKE: Ha! Imbecilic buffoons! Disclaimer's loophole! BOTS: What? MIKE: That song was a Tennyson poem set to music! CROW: So we've had songs about a drunken murderer being imprisoned, an elusive master criminal, and a highwayman being gunned down after his girlfriend shoots herself. TOM: And one about taking it to a wild child! >************************************** > > 6. Legolas meet John TOM: Or, Legolas discovers the wonder of modern plumbing. CROW: [Carolyn] Ummm, Legs... what do you mean, "It won't go down?" > Disclamer: I don't own anything except my horses and for that (owning > my horses) MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...I killed without mercy. > I'm very happy. > > By the way these * mean someone talking on the phone like this > *hello* CROW: Sorry, wrong number. TOM: It *is* just like talking on the phone! MIKE: [Crystal] And these @ mean my other personality has been typing again. > > > My bed had been fixed up TOM: [Crystal] ...after Legolas wet himself in it *again*... > but Legolas said he would rather sleep > downstairs on the floor where he slept on the night of the storm. MIKE: I hardly blame Legolas for wanting to keep as far away from this girl's bed as possible. TOM: [Legolas] It's easier to spot people sneaking in on me from here. CROW: [Carolyn] Oh, come on! I only climbed in with you twice! > It was all right with us although it was creepy waking up in the middle > of the night and seeing him with his eyes open. On the morning of the > third day CROW: J.R.R. Tolkien said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together into one place... > (a Wednesday) Legolas was watching my Simpsons first season DVD TOM: Boy, Legolas sure *is* fast! I mean, only a couple days ago he couldn't figure out the concept of "flashlight".... > (I think Simpsons is his new favourite show.) CROW: [Legolas] Oh, that Homer! He has such a beautiful mind! TOM: [Legolas] Oh, that Bart Simpson! What a scamp! MIKE: And exactly how would a being from prehistory appreciate the topical humour of a contemporary social satire such as "The Simpsons"? CROW: Gandalf couldn't answer that one, Mike. > Carolyn and I were > sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and talking about TOM: [Crystal] The winning contestant on Joe Millionaire. > the very important matter at hand. CROW: [Crystal] You ever feel - y'know - not so fresh? > "We can't stay holed up in my house > forever" I said logically. MIKE: I mean, ever since the grocer's delivery service folded... TOM: [Crystal] The cops have been poking around, man... I mean, I've got *shopping* to do! > "Yes but Legolas has no idea how to act > in public." TOM: [Carolyn] He's what scientists refer to as "square". CROW: [Carolyn] I mean come on, he still thinks boxers are hats. MIKE: Being the *prince* of Mirkwood and all, he's never had to associate with the rabble... > Carolyn said voicing exactly what I was worrying about. > "Here you go and teach him some do's and don'ts of our world MIKE: [Carolyn] What, like "*Do* be my date for the prom" and "*Don't* talk to that bitch Jenny?" TOM: [Crystal] Ya know, pull your pants down in the middle of the mall, give random passers-by the finger, eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip, you know, the usual. CROW: [Carolyn] Okay, the salad fork goes on the left nearest the plate, never talk with your mouth full, and resorting to disembowlment means you lost the argument. > and I'll > find him some clothes. Do you think he's about John's size?" I said. CROW: Too easy? MIKE: Too easy. > "Yeah sure but isn't he working right now?" TOM: I see ol' Destinygurl has mastered the non sequitur. > "No he's working later in > the afternoon Go on" I continued, pushing Carolyn into the living > room. "I want to leave by noon." "That's only an hour away" Carolyn > protested "then get moving." I picked up the phone and dialled. > *Hello Hulstein residence Glen speaking* TOM: [Glen] No, I would NOT like to change my long distance carrier! CROW: [Crystal] Put Saddam on! He has failed me for the last time! MIKE: *Hulstein*, Crow. > "Oh hi Glen it's Crystal can > I talk to John?" MIKE: [Legolas] My name's not Glen. > *Yeah one second* MIKE: [Glen] And that's my only line. See ya! > *Hello* "Hi John how are you?" MIKE: *WHO* are you? > *Not bad. Why did you call?* TOM: [Crystal] Um, because we're *married*! CROW: [John] Ya know, I'm kinda busy pressing my underwear here... > "I have a problem and I need to barrow > some of your clothes" CROW: [Carolyn] Sure, he'll look so *cu-yute* in my flowerprint sundress! TOM: Ah, she thinks Legolas will be more comfortable if he has to snatch his new clothes away from a barrow-wight. > *What?!?* John exclaimed. "It's really complicated If you let me come > over I'll explain." TOM: What's so complicated about being a lesbian? CROW: Yes, *please* explain you aren't talking to the person on the phone. MIKE: I guess she meant the stars signify the person *at the other end* is talking. TOM: What?! She very clearly said '* mean someone talking on the phone'. Crystal is talking on the phone, yet no *! MIKE: I'll never figure out how you guys speak in symbols.... > *alright come on over* "Great see you in a few" > "k, guys I'm leaving I'll be back in about 15 minutes." CROW: [Crystal] After all, I must see him in person to comprehend what size clothes he wears! TOM: The tension is amazing. IS Legolas John's size? WHAT time will he be home? WHO the hell is Glen and why is he answering the phone? The action just NEVER STARTS! > I walked out into the cool morning over to my 1985 Nissan King Cab, MIKE: AKA: Puff the Tragic Wagon. TOM: Nissan King Cab. The official truck of "Legolas, Back to the Future." CROW: Roomy and spacious, with room for five Mary Sues, and instamatic 4-wheel drive for wherever your plot contrivances may take you! > got in and > drove down the hill to John's house. TOM: [Crystal] Huff, huff, pant, wheeze...phew, hi...huff...John, I'm...pant...here...gasp! Sorry I...huff...took so...cough...long getting...wheeze...here! Wheeze wheeze wheeze wheeze! > When I got there John was waiting for me. MIKE: Well, that's nice of him, since he was already there and you just told him you were coming. CROW: Say, that *is* nice of him. I'd have suddenly remembered an appointment. > "Alright what's the big emergency and why do you need my clothes?" CROW: [John] And why does it have to be the ones I'm wearing right now? > he asked suspiciously. "Well you see I had an unexpected visitor and he > only has the clothes he was wearing and their not TOM: [John] Well, you can't have Minot! > very good for > wearing out." CROW: [valley girl] Gag! After one wash, they're like totally faded! MIKE: [Crystal] And before you ask, his other troll-fighting pants were at the cleaners! > "Interesting" John, said. MIKE: [John] You know, compared to Larry King Dead. > I was getting frustrated TOM: [Crystal] LOOK! HOT ELF! NEED CLOTHES! GIVE!!! > "here just get > some of your clothes, not too baggy though he's not used to baggy > pants, CROW: [John] Boxers or briefs? TOM: [Crystal] He likes spandex, the tighter, the better! CROW: [John] You just want to see his thing, don't you? TOM: [Crystal] Of course! Er, I mean, why would I want to see the nether regions of a hunky fan-girl magnet outlined in tight clothing? > and come with me it will make so much more sense if you see > him" TOM: [Crystal] Much more than I could, anyway. MIKE: [Crystal] By the way, who are you? CROW: John should run. I'm sure he doesn't want to go see some guy in need of clothes. > I said shoving him up the stairs into his room. MIKE: I guess Legolas just conveniently teleported there... > We picked out > some clothes, threw them into a duffle bag and left within five > minutes. "Why haven't I heard about this mystery visitor sooner?" > John asked indignantly "How long has he been here?" MIKE: [Crystal] Oh, um... 'bout eight hundred years, I think... > "One question at a time my friend." I laughed at his hurried protective > manor MIKE: [valley girl] That is like *soooo* 1100s.... TOM: It's bad to hastily install security systems in mansions, I'd agree. CROW: But rapidly built safe houses *are* kind of funny! > "for your first question he didn't want to be reviled yet TOM: [Crystal] But now he's looking forward to our disgust and revulsion! > and for your > second this is his third day, he arrived on Sunday night around > 9:00pm." "Did you know him before he came?" CROW: [Narrator] No, it was an anonymous one-night stand. TOM: Destiny-babe? It's no fun if you keep serving up them up slow-pitch style! > he was always so worried > about me. MIKE: [Crystal] At least, that's what he told the police when I had him arrested for stalking. > "Sort of" I said not knowing how to answer. "Sort of! CROW: [Crystal] Well, we only *kinda* made out.... > what > sort of?!?" John asked getting increasingly nervous. "You either > know him or you don't!!" TOM: [Crystal] Look, it was a party! I was drunk! I only recognize him from the birthmark on his... MIKE: [John] TMI!! TMI!! > At that moment we pulled into the driveway. > "Just trust me," I said soothingly. MIKE: [Crystal] I mean when I have ever lied to you except for that one time when we were kids and I put antifreeze in your hamster's water bottle to see what would happen and he died but I told you he escaped while I was trying to pick him up... oops.... > He looked me in the eye "you know > I do" TOM: [John] ...a killer impression of J. J. Walker--DY-NO-MITE!! > "good then follow me and prepare yourself." TOM: [Crystal] He's a bloodthirsty killer! > I said grabbing his MIKE: [John, shocked] Damn! First you want my clothes, and now--hey!!! > hand and pulling him into the house. CROW: [Crystal] Here's your prayer chant. Grab a chicken out of the box over there. Knives are on top. > "Hey everybody I'm home" I called stepping into the entranceway. "Hi > Crystal" Carolyn called back. ALL: NORM!!! > "Carolyn's here with you?" John asked accusingly. CROW: [Crystal] Um...er...that is...aaahhh!!! It's true [starts mock sobbing] There's... another goofy sidekick in my life... > "I thought he didn't want to be reviled!" CROW: [Crystal] Oh, don't be silly, that'll only happen if we show people this fanfic. > "Carolyn was here when he came." CROW: *SIGH!* This is getting almost as bad as Sailor Moon! TOM: [Sailor Moon] Elf Prince Legolas! You came! CROW: *GROAN!* > I said calmly not wanting to fight. "Stay down here I'll call you > when we're ready" I ran up the stairs to find Carolyn sitting with a > very confused looking Legolas "How's it going?" I asked "Not too good > but good enough to get by." "Great, well I brought John over." "Why?" > "Two reasons. One I have no idea how to dress a guy TOM: [Crystal] I've never seen one with clothes on... I mean, I can't even guess what size bra he takes! > and two he needed > to understand, he would have told someone about Legolas if he didn't > see him himself." MIKE: She's afraid he'll tell someone about a person he *didn't* see? CROW: Why in the world would he tell people he'd just rubbed elbows with Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, and expect them to NOT call the men in white coats?! > I answered, "Legolas I brought someone over to meet > you he will help you get some clothes that are acceptable in society. TOM: [Crystal] Ya know, a bikini, a strapless blouse, some crotchless panties... CROW: [John] A tube top and a hockey mask. MIKE: Why is this so complicated? Jeans! Clean t-shirt. Matching shoes. Socks, underwear, and hats as needed. That's it, that's the list! > Ok?" "Sure" Legolas answered still confused. "All right John come on > up but be ready for a surprise" I went and grabbed his hand. When we > got to the living room I called Legolas TOM: [Crystal] ...a dummy head. To, you know, revile him like he wanted. MIKE: Okay, I think we've milked that one for all it's worth. > "Mellonim come one out." He > stepped out from the dinning room. I gently closed John's mouth MIKE: [John] Hey! I'm trying to talk here! > it > immediately fell open again. TOM: [Crystal, grunts] Stupid... detachable... jaw... > "Snap out of it" I said lightly slapping him. "Do you understand now?" MIKE: [John] No, and I still don't see the guy "I've just got to see!" CROW: [Crystal] See him? He's right there! MIKE: [John] What? Behind the elf? CROW: [Crystal] It IS the elf! TOM: The Monty Python sketch, ladies and gentlemen! > "Yes" He said still in a daze. "Great > then go help Legolas with what to wear." CROW: [campy] *I* am going to put *you* in fur! Well, *more fur*... > MIKE: Five minutes later... TOM: [John] Okay, we're ready! Let's roll! CROW: [Crystal] Wait! Where's the pile of clothes that don't match? Where's the pile of clothes that did match but you didn't feel like wearing them? Where's the accessorizing?!? TOM: [John] Crystal, hon? We're guys. When it comes to clothes, "peach" is a fruit, not a color, "clean" is a relative term, and "accessories" are something you pick up at Best Buy. > > > > An hour later (Half an hour past my noon deadline) TOM: Legolas had some problems with that whole "underwear on the inside" thing. CROW: [Crystal] Carolyn and John received whippings for being late. > we were finally > ready to leave. We were just going to the grocery store. CROW: It took you an hour to get dressed for *THE GROCERY STORE!?!* MIKE: Geez! What chain? Mr. Blackwell Mart? > We drove > John home then went to Safeway to pick up some ground beef for the > hamburgers we were having later and some pop. "What's going on?" > Legolas asked as we were exiting to parking lot and turning in the > wrong direction (away from home) "Just one more stop" I said grinning > evilly. CROW: Okay, that's sort of wrong. MIKE: [Crystal] By the way, are you familiar with the term "Shake your moneymaker?" > After about 15 minutes of driving I told Carolyn to blindfold > Legolas. MIKE: Okay, that's *really* wrong. CROW: [Legolas] You *are* taking me to Lothlorien, right? > He let her with little hesitation. TOM: And that, in the immortal words of Joel Robinson, is wrong on *so* many levels. MIKE: Yeah... the *real* Prince of Mirkwood would cut her hands off for even *trying*! CROW: [Legolas] Well, I've been hanging out with these weird girls from this distant future for a whole three days now; I'm sure they're safe. TOM: C'mon, Crow. He's already slept in their rooms even after they tried to poison him with coffee. > After about 5 more > minutes of driving we turned off highway one and into a little rural > part of Delta. CROW: [Crystal] Alright Legolas, ready for your sorority initiation? MIKE: [Legolas] o/~ I'm the only one who'd walk across the fire for you! o/~ > We turned into a private dyke TOM: Say... MIKE: So they *are* transvestites? I called it! > right on the ocean MIKE: I didn't know Rosie bought beachfront. > and headed towards the biggest house I have ever seen. "That's my dad's > boss' house," CROW: [Crystal] He gave me the key at the company picnic last year... guess spiking the punch bowl was a good idea, eh? > I pointed out forgetting Legolas was blindfolded. Going > a little further I turned right, into a driveway leading to a large > barn which held 6 horses. 3 of those horses were mine. TOM: [Legolas] Damn! I've been looking everywhere for those! Thanks Crystal! Now gimme 'em! > All the horses were out in the pasture. TOM: Racing desperately against time to put Humpty Dumpty together again! > Carolyn and I got out of the truck but > Legolas stayed where he was. I unlocked the barn and got three lead > ropes out of the tack room. MIKE: Thank you, fanfic. > I tossed one to Carolyn CROW: [Carolyn] Ow! Watch where you throw that... you could crush someone's skull! > and went into the pasture. I caught my favourite horse Frenchy CROW: Who was a Riding School Drop-Out. TOM: [Crystal] Whispered a few choice words in German, and she was as docile as a lamb. > and clipped the lead > rope to her halter then I whistled to my other horse TOM: Rizzo? MIKE: [Crystal] Man, that sexual harassment suit will be murder! > Chabella > (pronounced Shabella) CROW: Read: Whogivesarip. > who was on the other side of the field, > she came trotting over. Carolyn grabbed Tonto CROW: Carolyn tracks... two, three days old. Neigh! > after following him around > in circles for a few minutes. We tied all three horses up MIKE: 'kay, now this is just getting creepy! CROW: And you call me a hentai pervert? > and brought > Legolas out of the truck and right up to Chabella's head I said "Take > off your blindfold" He did and as soon as he could see he smiled > widely, TOM: [Legolas, dumb] Bunnies! > "Horses" He cried with delight MIKE: [Legolas] We eat tonight! > "I'm so glad people still keep > them." TOM: [Legolas] Free-range horses are so gamey! MIKE: [Crystal] Yeah, but they make for *great* barbecues. CROW: Now I'm going to be sick... > I laughed at his enthusiasm. TOM: [Crystal] Ha ha! These horses are GLUE, DAISY-EATER! > "Meet Chabella she's your mount CROW: Sa--now she's doing it on purpose, Mike. Gotta be. [Beat.] ALL: Ewwwww! > be careful though she is wary of strangers CROW: [Crystal] Tends to murder them horribly... > but I figured you being an > elf can handle her." I giggled because I knew that elfish would not > help him now. MIKE: Her maniacal laughter could use a little work, but hey, it's a start. TOM: [Crystal] Tee-hee! It's funny 'cause he's gonna die! > [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge--or is it? The bridge has grown over with leafy foliage and white marble columns. The huge dimensional portal machine is still there, even though it has been covered with ivy and moss. An eerie glow seems to emanate from everywhere and nowhere, giving the bridge an ethereal, ancient quality. Crow and Tom are sitting by the machine, but have changed somehow. Crow now has bushy eyebrows and Tom has a puffy wig of brown hair. They are now also wearing grey cloaks and jackets of yellow and green. Crow is smoking a long pipe and Tom is slurping a straw stuck in a frosty mug of ale.] CROW: [Cockney brogue] So I says to that Ted Sandyman, this be the finest bit of pipeweed to be got i'the whole Southfarthing... MIKE: [wandering in] Well, hey guys... [looking around] Hey! What's going on here? Where did all of these leaves come from? This isn't one of your home decorating projects, is it? TOM: [Scottish brogue] I cannae tell ye, Mister Longshanks. Were they not always there? CROW: They're a might peaceful-like, if you ask me. Ain't it a perfect day for havin' a mug and a pipe and swappin' tall tales of ages long past? MIKE: But there's *trees* growing right out of the deck! And what's with you two, anyway? What's with the corny accents? TOM: Corny accents, say ye? We dinnae have no accents! Thou'rt the one who's a-speaking strangely! CROW: Aye, it sounds like you be havin' a cold or whatnot. MIKE: Yeah, come to think of it, my voice sounds a little raspy. [Puts hand on chin] Hmm, that's funny, I just shaved this morning... [Holds up mirror, and sees a strange, weather-beaten man, haggard yet hale, ancient and mysterious, wearing a travel-stained cloak of heavy dark- green cloth] Holy mackerel, I've turned into *Aragorn*! Okay, what did you guys do??? [Suddenly Mike catches a glimpse of the ivy-covered TV. "The Fellowship of the Ring" is playing at the point where the hobbits have entered Rivendell. But instead of the wondrous halls of Elrond, the place has turned into a dark, cheaply-lit set with strange objects poking out of the walls. Boxers and briefs seem to float on the gentle breeze. Two small people can be seen traversing the halls, one, who looks like Sam Gamgee, wearing a red shirt and a black and white striped kilt, The other, who looks like Frodo, is slightly taller, wearing a gold leisure suit and what appears to be a lacrosse mitt as a hat.] SAM: Beggin' your pardon, Mister Frodo, sir, but I've been thinkin'... and... um... I think "Age of Apocalypse" is a much better series than "DC vs. Marvel"! FRODO: Oh, my poor, deluded old Sam Gamgee. How could you not see that that fight between Superman and the Hulk is the stuff that comic books are made of? SAM: They're graphic novels, sir. But what about the angst faced by the characters in their post-apocalyptic roles? Magneto leading the X-Men? Gambit and Rogue's illicit on again, off again love affair? Cyclops and Beast as totally heartless bad guys? All the contrived battles in "DC vs. Marvel" cannot match the utter coolness of Morph and Blink! FRODO: "DC vs. Marvel" had... angst, I think. What about Robin and Jubilee falling in love, only to find out they have to battle each other? SAM: And another thing that gets my ire about "DC vs. Marvel" is how it was supposed to be a fanservice thing with classic characters from the Marvel and DC universes duking it out, and all, but they used all their weird current plot twist characters, like the smart Hulk and the wussy long-haired post-"Death" Superman... and Ben Reilly as Spider-Man, for Bilbo's sake! And the dialogue was so corny--it's all "We should be friends, not enemies" or "We would make better partners than foes" or "Woe that we must be forced to fight instead of sharing camaraderie, alas." I mean... sheesh... you think you would expect more from the writing of Peter "Imzadi" David, Mister Frodo. FRODO: Sam, you are such a fanboy... c'mon, let's go get some hamdingers before Elrond and Glorfindel eat them all... and some forties of Miller Lite while we're at it. SAM: It comes in forties? I'm there! [The scene changes to Rivendell's Hall of Fire, the ancient gathering place of Elrond and his kin, where elves would gather to hear stories and ballads of ages past. But now, a single loremaster sits by the fire, and three elves attend to his elven lay. The fire is so bright that all you can see is the shadows made by their backs.] > LOREMASTER: o/~ Gil-galad was an Elven-king. o/~ ELF #1: Having narrowly beaten out Lung-galad and Osmosis-galad. ELF #2: If this becomes a crossover with "The Life and Adventures of Narsil A. Sword" I'm out of here. > LOREMASTER: o/~ Of him the harpers sadly sing; o/~ ELF #3: Shush! Don't say the H-word! Do you want to get sued by Anne McCaffrey? > LOREMASTER: o/~ the last whose realm was fair and free o/~ ELF #2: But if you wanted HBO, that costed extra. > LOREMASTER: o/~ between the Mountains and the Sea. o/~ ELF #1: With convenient access to schools and shopping. ELF #3: So Gil-galad's kingdom was in Southern California? > LOREMASTER: o/~ His sword was long, his lance was keen o/~ ELF #2: I bet he also had a really big-- [SOL Bridge.] MIKE: Okay, okay, that does it! Crow... why have we merged with the "Lord of the Rings" universe? CROW: Oy, so this bloomin' charade was my fault, were it? What exactly are you insinuatin', knave? MIKE: [investigates the dimensional portal machine] Oh, and look, I bet you left the portal on while we were in the theater, too! Who knows how much damage it's done to the space-time continuum by now? You have to shut down the machine, you guys! If this continues, "Lord of the Rings" will become a low-budget basic cable show that the Sci-Fi Channel will cancel after only three seasons! [A loud crashing sound is heard coming out of nowhere.] MIKE: Darn... I've been meaning to get that fourth wall fixed. TOM: Aye, settle down, laddie. It's only a wee matter of rerouting the dilithium crystals through the flux capacitor by attaching the EPS conduit synthesizer to the rhamostatic converter... CROW: [whisper] Um, wrong Scotsman, Servo. TOM: Oops, sorry... MIKE: I don't care... just turn it off! If we don't, Pearl might merge with Sauron and find The Ring, or worse yet, one of those five-day-long elven ballads! Shut the machine down NOW! GYPSY: [offscreen] Boys, boys! Are you fighting in there, again? CROW: Arrr... who might ye be, matey? [Gypsy emerges, but instead of her usual self, she has become an elf maiden, more radiant than starlight, more beautiful than the rose. On her head is set a crown of glittering jewels, on her wispy, ethereal, yet voluptuous body, a sheer silver robe of finest cloth hangs gracefully over her delicate features. The only distinguishing marks left from the old Gypsy are purple hair and slightly larger-than-average eyes and lips. Think anime goddess.] GYPSY: I'm so sorry, Mike! I was just looking for a VCR to watch my tape of "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" episodes, and I turned this on, and I watched your little elf movie for a while, and I guess I must have wandered off... can you forgive me, Mike? MIKE: [looking at Gypsy, blushing] Well, um... oh, it's nothing, Gypsy... GYPSY: [tripping and falling, pressing her sensual elven body against Mike] Oh, sorry, Mike... I'm not used to feet... MIKE: [looking very embarrassed] *GULP!* TOM: Alright, lads and lassies, I'll be shutting down this infernal machine now-- [reaches for off switch] MIKE: No, wait! On second thought-- [A brilliant explosion rends the space-time curtain asunder. When the smoke clears, both the Satellite of Love and its inhabitants are back to normal.] GYPSY: I'm sorry, Mike, did I bump you? Now what was I doing--oh yeah, I was looking for my DVD of "He Walked By Night". I'll get out of your way now... hey, what are you guys staring at? MIKE: Um... nothing... thank you, Gypsy... [wipes off a sweat drop] Whew... I think I'm going to take a cold shower. [exits] TOM: Hmm... this is so odd... I have a sudden craving for a deep-fried Mars bar... CROW: And I feel like settling down and opening up a tavern or something... strange. [commercial sign flashes] We'll be right back. (((((((( END OF PART 2 -- Other parts coming soon! ))))))))) All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. I think our asses are sufficiently covered now... :) Last update: 30 May 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com ----- > "Alright what's the big emergency and why do you need my clothes?" MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 7-9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Parts 1 and 2? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] >************************************** > > 7. Espanol Caballo Spanish Horse CROW: Better than Spanish Fly. MIKE: Okay, the Iron Chefs have just gone too damn far this time! TOM: L'histoire injustifie pointless story! [Mike mumbles something] TOM: Oops! El historia insustancial pointless story! > CROW: [annoying kiddy voice] Oooooo, no disclaimerrrrr! I'm telling on youuuuuuu! > I finished grooming and tacking up Frenchy CROW: Softly and gently giving her back a stroke while PINNING HER TO THE WALL! *GUWAAA-HAAA-HAAAAA!!!!* TOM: So the Spanish horse is named "Frenchy"? MIKE: Come to think of it, shouldn't that be freedom-y? [The bots snicker.] > while Legolas was still > trying to figure out whether to use the curry comb TOM: I don't like those spicy Indian hair care items. > or the dandy brush CROW: I think he probably should use that on himself, huh? Based on the title and all? > on Chabella's tail CROW: So he decided to use the railgun. MIKE: "Horsemeat" fragged by "Elf Prince Snipegolas" > (he was actually supposed to use the mane comb), MIKE: [Crystal] Not like I felt like helping him or anything. Because it was just so much fun to watch him screw everything up so I could reprimand him later. > he nearly got kicked trying to clean out her hooves (good thing for elves > quick reflexes). CROW: [Legolas] Don't you have servants for this? MIKE: Good thing for Legolas, he's properly characterized for a change! TOM: Oh, like that's saying *so* much! > I finally gave up trying to concentrate on what I was > doing because Legolas was yelling in Elfish TOM: [Crystal] Wow, I never knew Elvish had so many swear words... > I pulled him away from > Chabella trying to calm him down. CROW: [Legolas] But... but... Chabella laughed at me, and called me "Leggy- lass", and made fun of my pointed ears and my Robin Hood costume! > "It's ok" I said, "Let me help." 20 > minutes later CROW: [Crystal] I finished smoking my cigarette. Legolas seemed much calmer now. > I had thoroughly gone over the grooming/tacking process MIKE: [Legolas] A saddle! How quaint! > using Tonto as a demo MIKE: And using the Lone Ranger as the full registered version! [Mike dodges a severe bapping.] > and was urging Legolas to try himself. CROW: He better watch it--that causes blindness, I've heard. MIKE: Legolas Greenleaf is Pizza the Hut. > He did so > with a small amount of Elfish cursing (at least I guessed it was > cursing, what else can you say in that tone?) MIKE: Something along the lines of "Ka-Me-Ha..." perhaps? CROW: [Crystal] Now Legolas, sending the horse to the tenth level of Hell using your elven magics won't solve your problems. TOM: [Legolas] Well maybe not, but it feels damn good! > He did fine with the > grooming and the putting on of the saddle MIKE: Thrill to the amazing saddle putting-onning! > but when he got to the bridle > thing weren't going so well. TOM: Does she wear it or marry it? > Chabella just wasn't cooperating she was > moving back and forth and shaking her head. CROW: o/~ Shake shake shake...shake shake shake...shake your booootaaaaaay o/~ TOM: [Chabella] Do-o-on't let the magical being who's in tune with nature come n-e-e-ear me. MIKE: [Chabella] Watch it, elf, or I call Bombadil! > I abandoned warming up Tonto CROW: *Just* before she opened the lighter fluid. > and went over to them very mad at Chabella. Using my last resort I went > and CROW: [Crystal] ...Emptied a full clip of hollow points into her head. TOM: Served her right. > whispered in Chabella's ear. CROW: [Crystal] Chabella no baka! [*wham*] TOM: [Crystal] Shape up or it's the dog meat factory for you! > "Shalom Chabella, Legolas mes amigo, > comprende?" CROW: So did she just say "Hello," "Goodbye," or "Peace?" MIKE: Spanish by way of Tel Aviv, I see. TOM: [Chabella] Sorry, dear, I'm getting verklempt! > (Be at peace Chabella, Legolas is my friend, understand?) CROW: We understand... can we go now? TOM: [Chabella] Butbutbutbutbut... he... touched me! It felt... icky! MIKE: Don't you start, too. > I got that out of my own head> CROW: I was thinking of a different region to pull it from... MIKE: Ahem. CROW: Come on, Mike! What's wrong with a joke about ears?! MIKE: Well, I just thought... CROW: You thought?! YOU THOUGHT?! MIKE: Crow? Back to the fic. CROW: *grumbles* Nel-son-of-a... > "What was that?" > Legolas asked in awe MIKE: Legolas? It's called a butt. > as I slipped the bridle on Chabella with ease. > "That was Spanish TOM: You don't say?! > it is a language spoken in Spain, Mexico and other > central and South American countries. CROW: Like Israel! MIKE: And Babelfish, apparently... > Chabella knows I mean business > when I speak Spanish you could almost swear she understood." MIKE: [Crystal] I learned the technique from "I Love Lucy!" CROW: [Crystal] It also helps when I don't use punctuation. TOM: [Crystal] I wonder if the whippings for disobedience have anything to do with it. > "I bet she > does" Legolas said with a smile. "And I think you know it, otherwise you > wouldn't talk to her in full sentences." MIKE: [Legolas] Horses don't be unnastan' no jive, sistah! TOM: So horses understand humans only if the latter use proper grammar? CROW: That means these horses shouldn't have a clue. > I giggled because I knew it was > true MIKE: [Crystal] Yep, I am perfect! > > > CROW: And the fic takes a pause so we understand the greatness that is Crystal. > "Are you ready to go?" I asked Legolas. He nodded but then added, TOM: [Legolas] Um, you're not coming with me, are you? > "What should I do if Chabella starts to act up again?" TOM: [Crystal] Well, you see that spiked club over there? > "Just say > 'shalom' she should calm down," MIKE: [Crystal] If you've got the chutzpah. TOM: The chance to explore your spirituality is often calming. > I answered leading her to the warm up > ring. CROW: Whoa, Legolas changed into a girl?! MIKE: The horse, Tom, the horse. CROW: Legolas turned into the horse?! TOM: I'm still trying to figure out where Carolyn's dialogue disappeared to. > Once Legolas was on Chabella CROW: This story took a turn in a completely wrong direction, there. > all troubles with the bridle were > forgotten. It was amazing to see the Elf ride it was like they were one > being. CROW: I don't think I can read any more, Mike. MIKE: I think you're misinterpreting, Crow. > They were beautiful to watch. TOM: [Crystal] Even though he was riding backwards... CROW: So, correct me if I'm wrong here, she likes to watch? MIKE: Hey now...! CROW: She said it, not me! MIKE: ... *sigh* I know. > After warming up we went riding on > the dyke. TOM: Ellen DeGeneres was not amused. > "Lets race to the gate" I yelled happy to be back on my horse. CROW: o/~ I'm baaaaaaack... I'm baaaack in the saddle again! o/~ TOM: Okay, this is getting into a *really* weird area here... > "Yeah" Carolyn answered. Legolas didn't say anything. "Oh come on > Legolas," I said moving Frenchy closer to Chabella. "You guys go I'm not > use to Chabella I couldn't keep up with you. TOM: [Legolas] I can't make this horse go! I'm a terrible elf, aren't I? > I've seen Frenchy run and > it's amazing." He said making an excuse. CROW: Instead of sense. > I wasn't about to take no for > an answer MIKE: Do you ever? TOM: Yeah, why start now? > so I moved as close to Chabella as I dared then winking at > Carolyn I said "Chabella correr rápido" [Tom makes a trumpet call.] MIKE: Sheesh, whatever happened to "Arriba, arriba"? > (Chabella run fast) CROW: "People called Romanes they go the house??" TOM: No, that says "Chabella to run quick". I believe you mean to say "¡Chabella corre rapidamente!" MIKE: Yeesh, Destinygurl can't even get *English* right; you'd think that she'd be wary of trying a *second* language. > She immediately MIKE: Started laughing at your shaky grasp of Spanish. > took off and Tonto followed CROW: Mary-Sue tracks. Two, three days old. > with Frenchy in close pursuit. > Laughing manically TOM: Crystal's off her lithium again. CROW: Wow. Horses can laugh. I did not know this. MIKE: Mr. Ed *is* Frenchy, in a role that *will* surprise you! > I urged Frenchy faster and pretty soon I had passed > Carolyn (on Tonto) and was abreast with Legolas CROW: ... MIKE: Go on? CROW: ... MIKE: Good 'bot. > (on Chabella) CROW: Wait, I'm confused. Who's on Chabella? TOM: No, Who's on Tonto. CROW: What? TOM: Is on Frenchy. CROW: Who is? TOM: On Tonto, yes. CROW: What? TOM: What's on Frenchy. CROW: I don't know. ALL: Chabella! > now that > he was actually competing (against his will) MIKE: [Crystal] He's stronger than most, but I finally broke him! > he was trying very hard to > win. TOM: [Crystal] Ha ha ha, I'm putting his life in danger for my own twisted amusement! What a riot! > I giggled as he was urging on Chabella with Nora lim CROW: The great Irish-Korean soprano? > (faster in > elfish). MIKE: Yes. Ah hah, foolish elf man, using the ancient tongue that all horses know and fully understand instinctively. What a goof. TOM: Um... I'm no equestrian, but since when do horses respond to anything more compicated than "HYAH!" or "WHOA!" or a gunshot? CROW: All the better to make Legolas look like a dickweed, my dear! > "That's never going to work" I called to Legolas tauntingly MIKE: Chabella apparently doesn't speak elvish. TOM: She's the only one so far. > "Try rápido" I laughed seeing the shocked expression on Legolas' face MIKE: [Legolas] You take that back! TOM: [Legolas] I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids! > as Chabella leaped forward. MIKE: Yes. Because Legolas, being an elf, and thus bonded to his horse for "it is the way of all elves", as Mr. J. R. R. Tolkien has stated multiple times before, had no control over his horse. You know, author, if you can search through the three books and find an obscure sentence about elves sleeping with their eyes open, you could at *least*... ah... uh... [The 'bots look on as Mike, rising from his seat, sways drunkenly.] TOM: Well? MIKE: ...It just occured to me that I can't think of a way she could fix this. TOM: Not bitchslap the rules of grammar in the face? CROW: Write a story that actually has some plot to it? TOM: Give Legolas some sort of border-line intelligence? CROW: Sacrifice herself to Lucifer in the name of all that is good? MIKE: [sitting down again] Yeah... yeah, that'd help. > "Keep moving Frenchy" I said spurring her > faster. MIKE: [Crystal] Or there'll be no graduation day for you! CROW: [track announcer] And at the three-quarter pole it's Meaningless Plot Line followed closely by Self-Absorbed Mary Sue and chomping at his heels it's Poor Miss Characterization, and Poor Miss Characterization's putting in quite an effort to make the pass, and...oh...no...no luck! It's Self-Absorbed Mary Sue, Meaningless Plot Line, Meaningless Plot Line, Self-Absorbed Mary Sue, and...yes! Self-Absorbed Mary Sue wins the Delta Derby! ALL: Woo hoo! > Ten feet away from the gate I passed Chabella one last time. A > few strides later I passed the 'finish line' (the gate) "Yes we won!" MIKE: [dully] What a surprise finish. The crowd goes wild. BOTS: [dully] Yay. > I yelled at the top of my lungs TOM: And five seconds later she was lying in a thorn bush. > patting Frenchy on the neck. CROW: Not since "All The King's Horses" have we seen such HOT EQUESTRIAN ACTION!!! MIKE: [Crystal] And so I have further proved my superiority to that dumb elf guy! TOM: Er... Did she just rip off _Black Beauty_? MIKE: I'm not sure... > Legolas came > in a second later and then Carolyn. TOM: [Crystal] Worthless Carolyn, can't even beat a fictional character.... > "Alto" (stop) MIKE: [Legolas] Sorry, I'm more of a tenor (voice). TOM: No no no, the imperative form is...aww, just forget it. CROW: Somebody *please* tell Destinygurl you can't use a foreign language by copying words straight from the dictionary. > I called as Chabella > rushed past me, she screeched to a halt. MIKE: [Chabella] Woo, glad I got those four-wheel discs. TOM: All we need is for those horses to be telepathic and we've got a Mercedes Lackey crossover. > I trotted over to Legolas, his > face was flushed and his eyes were dancing. CROW: Southern Baptists immediately boycotted Legolas's eyes. > "That was exhilarating," he > said happily. CROW: [Legolas] What with you taking away my dignity and all that... heh heh... TOM: [Legolas] I *love* being handily whipped at horseracing by teen-aged girls! > "I told you it would be fun," Carolyn said coming up > behind us. CROW: Carolyn? Who's that? MIKE: I dunno...some chick from the beginning, I think? TOM: Beats me. > "All right, all right it was" Legolas admitted. MIKE: [Legolas] Now will you put down the cattle prod, *please*? TOM: [Carolyn, giggling] But it's so *fun*! [*zaaap*] > "I would say > lets do it again but I think our horses need a rest" I said knowingly CROW: Say... MIKE: This fic just never stops. > "How about we go to the old barn ALL: Aaaahhh! > and eat our lunch" ALL: Oh. > Carolyn said eyeing > my ALL: Aaaahhh! > saddlebags. ALL: Oh. MIKE: She's gonna give us heart attacks. CROW: [Carolyn] Mmmm, oats! > She had seen me packing the sandwiches while Legolas was > getting clothes. ALL: Aaaahhh! MIKE: Okay, she was doing it on purpose that time. TOM: Yes, author, thank you oh so much for reminding us of *that* wonderful scene... > "The old barn?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Legolas] The one with the sign in front that says "Keep Out, You Dang Smoochers?" > "My dad's boss has two > barns one he uses for the horses and chickens and the other houses > llamas. CROW: Oh, so he's a SimFarm programmer... MIKE: And I'll bet the import tariffs were a bugger! TOM: I see Crystal isn't content having every *stuffed* animal in her fantasy world. Noooo, she has to have every *real* animal, too! > The old barn has some really nice land around it TOM: [Crystal] ...perfect for burying the bodies... > so we always go > for picnics there." I answered "it would take us about ten minutes to > get there because we have to go back to the new barn, I didn't bring our > lunches along." MIKE: Be prepared? Surely you jest! > "That's fine CROW: [Legolas] ...if you're stupid... > with me" Legolas said for he was getting > hungry. "Great let's go" Carolyn said turning Tonto around and starting > to trot away. TOM: The breath-taking lunch discussion scene. MIKE: Sheer artistry, yessir. > Legolas and I followed but soon enough Frenchy was in the > front again, she being the fastest horse, TOM: [Crystal] That, and my L33T riding skilz! CROW: Yes, author, you've adequately proven this, now stop with the bragging... GRRR... > I kept having to pull her back > to a walk. Finally gave up fighting with her CROW: And she apparently gave up on complete sentences too. TOM: Her English and her Spanish seem to both be of equal quality... > "I'm going on ahead it's no > use fighting with Frenchy CROW: [Crystal] I mean, she might turn my hair pink or something. > she's just going to get more tired this way. > I'll meet you back at the barn." I said letting Frenchy go at her own > pace, she chose CROW: To surrender on the spot. > a fast trot. TOM: [Ash] Fast Trot! I choose you! MIKE: [ditto] Fast Trot, unleash your run-like-hell attack now! > We reached the barn within a few minutes so > I tied Frenchy up and went to get our lunches I found them in the > fridge. TOM: The fridge? She's got a fridge in her SADDLE BAGS? MIKE: Wow, it looks like Destinygurl is getting as lost in the narrative as we are! > Along with the pop we picked up earlier I put all that stuff > into my saddlebags. MIKE: [Crystal] By the time we stopped, I was carrying soda grenades! > By this time Legolas and Carolyn had got back. I got > out our picnic blanket and strapped it to Carolyn's ALL: [At once] *COUGH!* SPUTTER! AHEM! > saddle CROW: I'm not sure that's much better... TOM: [Carolyn] Great, so I'm nothing more than a mindless pack animal to you? MIKE: Well, she *is* just the sidekick, you know. > then I > mounted Frenchy CROW: Definitely not touching that one. MIKE: Stop...wha? Why praytell not? CROW: Two double entendres is more than even I can handle. > and we left. We went through the fields instead of going > around on the road MIKE: [Crystal] ...as it pads the fic... > it is a nicer ride. TOM: That and the fact not riding on the road reduces their chances of being hit by stray semi's at least 83%. MIKE: Still, it brings a 45% increase in their chances of being ground up by farm machinery. 99.9% for Legolas. CROW: [Legolas] Hey, what's that big thing coming towards us? TOM: [Carolyn] No, Legolas, that's a tractor! CROW: [Legolas] AHHHHH! MIKE: [Carolyn] Ha ha ha, that's so funny, watching him getting ground up by tractor wheels! > When we got to the old barn I > went to take care of the horses while Carolyn and Legolas got the food > set up. MIKE: [Emeril] So let's take this intense food preparation action... and *KICK IT UP A NOTCH*! BOTS: Woooooo-hoooo! > I got the horses water BOTS: *BAM!* > and fed the llamas as well. BOTS: *BAM!* > After tending > to the animals BOTS: *BAM!* MIKE: Will you guys just cut it out! > we all sat down on the blanket under a tree. CROW: And the sky immediately opened up! > I passed out > the pop CROW: Damn Northerners and their pops and their bubblers... MIKE: Hey! > and the peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Legolas looked at his > sandwich suspiciously. MIKE: [Legolas] Does this one have a mousetrap in it, too? > (It got a little squished and looked kinda gross) TOM: [Legolas] Wait, is that arsenic? CROW: [Carolyn] Crystal, you laced his sandwich! MIKE: [Crystal] Awww, but it would have been so funny to watch him writhe in agony as his organs slowly melted! > "Don't let the appearance fool you CROW: [Crystal] That's not actually a sandwich.... > it's actually quite good." CROW: [Crystal] Of course, we ran out of PB&J on yours, so we had to use apple butter and petroleum jelly. MIKE: [twitching] Yes, that's right, Crystal, go and give the worst sandwich to the elf *royalty*... not that he cares or anything, it's not as though he has feelings, and he can't, y'know, disembowel you with barely a thought or anything. > I said > taking a bite out of mine. fffft! TOM: Looks like Crystal got the peanut butter and *bean* sandwich there. CROW: [Crystal] Legolas, did you just fart? MIKE: [Legolas] You smelt it, you dealt it, man. > Carolyn's pop exploded CROW: [Carolyn] Dad, no!!! TOM: So that's what happened to all the parents in this story. MIKE: Eww... CROW: [Carolyn] Oh dear! I got pop all over you, Legolas! Let me tongue-bathe you clean! MIKE: Gah! Unclean! Unclean! Wrong! So wrong! Aaauuugghh! CROW: Hee hee. > "nobody open > the pop for a while CROW: Man! When they say "once you pop, you can't stop", they're dead serious! > I think they got a little shook up on the ride > over" she said holding the can an arms length away like a bomb. CROW: [Prince Regent] Anarchist! TOM: [Baldrick] Cleaner! CROW: [Prince Regent] Well you may need a wash; but that's no excuse, die! [CROW [Prince Regent] begins choking Tom [Baldrick].] MIKE: [Edmund Blackadder] Sir, that is Baldrick, spring cleaning. CROW: [Prince Regent] Rubbish! Look! He's got a bomb! MIKE: [Edmund Blackadder] It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge. CROW: [Prince Regent] Ah, I see, so it is. Well, get it out of here before it explodes! MIKE: [Edmund Blackadder] Finish the job later, Baldrick. TOM: [Baldrick] Very well, sir. The cleaning or the being strangled? MIKE: [Edmund Blackadder] Either suits me. CROW: The "Blackadder the Third" sketch, ladies and gentlemen. [Disembodied applause is heard. All blink, look around, shrug, and go back to watching the fic.] > We all had a good laugh over that but once we stopped the conversation grew > serious. Legolas started MIKE: [Legolas] You do realize that this can only end with you girls in bloody pieces, right? > "Going riding like this makes me think of home > and as much as I like this place, MIKE: [Legolas] With its self-absorbed teenagers, strange libations, and songs about drunks and highwaymen... > I have to go back." CROW: [Legolas] I miss my girlfrend, Gimli. TOM: [Crystal] But if you leave, who will I torment?! > My face fell, I > knew that this was coming but I kept trying to CROW: Hold it in place...stupid staples... > put it off. "I know" > Carolyn said sadly she too had been trying to avoid this subject. "But > can't you stay any longer ...maybe even a week or two?" I asked giving > him the puppy dog eyes. MIKE: She says this like she KNOWS how to return him. TOM: Errrrrgggghhhh!!! Again with the frigging puppy dog eyes! Grow up! > "I really need to go home." He said. TOM: I agree, Legolas. Fighting nasty trolls *is* more fun than this. > But we both pled with him and he agreed to stay for 10 days but no longer. TOM: [Legolas] Not like I'm on a quest to destroy ultimate evil or anything... MIKE: [Crystal] ... TOM: [Legolas] Sure, Merry and Pippin could be orc food by now, but hey, you guys have Nintendo 64! And record players! And *sugar*! MIKE: [Crystal] ... TOM: [Legolas] You know, you could take a moment and talk about *my* needs, don't you think? What about *me*? The world does not revolve around you, little Mary Sue girl! MIKE: [Crystal] ... TOM: [Legolas] I'll... go inside and... eat some Froot Loops or... something. *sigh* MIKE: [Crystal] ... > We sat > silently eating our sandwiches for a few minutes. "Do you have any ideas > on how to get me home?" Legolas asked breaking the silence. TOM: Can't you just Enjoy the Silence? CROW: Mike, turn him off. > "Honestly we > don't" I said truthfully CROW: [Legolas] Yeah? Then why are you hiding that Fictional Universe Teleportation Device behind your back? TOM: [Crystal] How'd that get there? CROW: [Legolas] A *receipt* for "Fictional Universe Teleporation Device" signed by Crystal. TOM: [Crystal] Honestly, it's not mine! CROW: A book: "Fictional Universe Teleporation Devices and Me: Returning Fictional Characters Mysteriously Transported into My Living Room to Their Own Universes Without Really Trying" by Crystal. MIKE: The Austin Powers sketch, ladies and gentlemen. > "You came during a power outage maybe you have > to leave during one too. TOM: [Legolas] Did you say your circuit breaker was just above the hide-a-bed or above the washing machine? > But power outages are rare here CROW: Unlike *some* places... *cough*California*cough*energycrisis*cough*... > the time you > came was the first one we had in 6 months." CROW: [Crystal] So neener neener neeeeeeeeeneeeerrrrr! MIKE: What, can't they just *make* one? TOM: After buttering up BC Hydro the way they just did, they'd *really* risk not having their lines not hooked up again. > He looked crestfallen at this statement. MIKE: [Legolas] Curse your reliable power supply! Where's a rolling blackout when you need it? TOM: Then why'd they bother agreeing to anything?! Does she really need more padding? CROW: The whole THING is padding... > Carolyn leaned over and gave Legolas a hug saying CROW: [Carolyn] You'll never leave! > "Don't worry we'll try as hard as we can to get you back A sap." "A sap?" > Legolas asked lightening the mood. MIKE: Yes, Legolas. It's a synonym for a Mary Sue character. CROW: Yes, Legolas. That's what you're becoming. TOM: Yes, Legolas. You'd have to be a sap to believe they'd actually let you leave! CROW: [Crystal] We're gonna ride you like a stud horse, elf boy! TOM: [announcer] Hurry, Legolas, hurry! You only have ten days left! >************************************** > > 8. We've Been Seen! CROW: And we're passing the savings on to you! TOM: Great. *Finally*, a plot. MIKE: I wouldn't get your hopes up just yet, Servo... > > Disclaimer: I don't own anything MIKE: [Destinygurl] --Except, of course, my laser turntable and my 1985 Nissan King Cab and my N64 and my blender and my propane barbecue and... > not Ryan, Joe, John, David, CROW: Or the rest of the Backstreet Boys. > Brian, CROW: Bwian! > Carolyn, Legolas (damn it), CROW: [Destinygurl] Damn it, *Why* can't he be my eternal pleasure slave? It's not fair! Not fair, I tell you! Marrissa got Jay when she was *5 whole years younger than me*, and *I* can't get so much as a single manslut? Why why why why why??? MIKE: Hmmm...that's odd. Wonder why Legolas wasn't listed first in the disclaimer? TOM: Maybe the story's really called "Ryan, Back to the Future"? > Stefan, the boat, the tube, the water skis, TOM: The horsie, the buggy, the three girls in lace... > oompa loompas, MIKE: o/~ Oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got a crappy fanfic for you... o/~ TOM: Oh God, no. CROW: Okay, it's official. Destinygurl is certifiable! > Fresco's, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Pita > Pizzazz, Starbucks, Star Wars Episode Two and any of it's characters, CROW: Which just makes it all the more annoying that she *did* manage to pick up Star Wars Episode Six *and* its characters at the Lucasfilm yard sale... but where's the fun in not having the complete set? > Canada Place, MIKE: Canada? This is set in Canada? TOM: Well, that explains an awful lot... CROW: If Troy and Rowsdower show up, I'm *so* out of here... TOM: Actually, I think Troy and Rowsdower would be an improvement. > Waterfront, CROW: [Marlon Brando] I coulda been a contender! > the skytrain, Imax theatre, Bear Creek Park MIKE: What the...they copyrighted a PARK? TOM: Yea, I hear they're talking to Spike Lee's lawyers to prevent unauthorized infringement on their copyright of the word "bear." > and anything else I forgot, CROW: [Destinygurl] I do, in fact, own. > I only own myself. TOM: That's not what your credit card statement says, Missy! > By the way the jokes > belong to whoever said them first. TOM: [Destinygurl] Do what? Create my *own* jokes? Why, I'll have you killed for your insolence! MIKE: So who owns "Why did the chicken cross the road"? CROW: Urg the Caveman, deceased 1 million B.C. > And most of these jokes are taken > from real events; CROW: The punchlines have been changed to protect the innocent. > they are actually said by the people who said them in > the story I've made sure of it. [All have a moment of silence.] MIKE: So they really ARE this stupid. [Another moment of silence before the bots break into sobs and latch onto Mike] CROW: M-m-m-m-m-mike, I'm scared! It was bad enough that Oscar and Gonterman wrote all their crap, but at least none of that stuff really happened! TOM: But the clothes, the laser record players, the stupid spatulas...Mike, this isn't happening! Please, Miiiiiike, boost our sagging confidences... MIKE: [holds the bots closely, his voice breaking] I wish I could...but I'm too petrified. [The bots cry for a few more moments to get it all out of their system. Suddenly, they look at Mike in horror and shriek disgusted cries.] CROW: AHHHHH! I just touched Mike! TOM: Ick, ick, ick, somebody get me a Lysol or burn me or something, I need decontamination! CROW: Gypsy, draw me an acid bath, hurry! MIKE: [resentful] Glad you've gotten over it. > > > > Please Review PLEASE!!!!!!!!! This is my first fic so I really want > reviews. MIKE: No, Destiny... you really don't... trust us! CROW: You don't want *our* reviews, sister! TOM: Be careful what you wish for, girlie. > > > > That evening we decided to save the burgers for another night and treat > Legolas to one of the best things in our culture. MIKE: The symphony orchestra? TOM: The full-color printing press? CROW: No, no, morons, hot girl on girl action! Duh! [silence] TOM: You wanna hurt him, or should I? > Pizza! CROW: So they took the Western Culture class taught by the Ninja Turtles. MIKE: If that's the best thing in our culture, we are so doomed as a race. TOM: Boy, are we lucky this isn't one of those "judge-our-civilization" deals. > "What do you > like that's on this list?" Carolyn asked Legolas showing him the > toppings on the delivery menu. TOM: [Carolyn] Believe me, they taste much better when they're actually on pizza. > "I don't know what half of these things are" CROW: [Legolas] I mean..."feces", "transmission fluid", "rocky mountain oysters", "coughed-up monkey blood"? What the blithering hell is this stuff? MIKE: [Carolyn] Ah, it all tastes the same at Chuck E. Cheese anyway. > he answered, "I mean what in Middle-Earth is a pineapple?" TOM: [Legolas] Last time I ate a strange fruit, I had to spend six months in the underworld... man, was that dull. > "Actually I don't think there are pineapples in Middle-Earth." I said in > the dry humour TOM: What, humour?! Where? CROW: I missed it, too. Darn. > that's characteristic of my family. [All snicker.] MIKE: It must skip a generation. TOM: Thanks for explaining. Now we know who to blame. > Legolas just glared > at me and continued. TOM: [Legolas] As I was *saying*...human--sever spinal column, third vertebra, death is immediate. MIKE: Wow, dark. > "I know what a pine is and I know what apples are > but one is a tree and the other's a fruit." CROW: Like Treebeard and Haldir? TOM: And what strange and mystic land is this where fruit and trees are magically linked? MIKE: Look, it's not pinecone pizza if that's what you're worried about. > I could see he was getting > frustrated MIKE: Wow, maple syrup must make smoke come out of his ears. CROW: [Legolas] A pine! An apple! Legolas confused! LEGOLAS KILL!!! > so I stepped in, TOM: [Crystal] Mmmm...gonna haveta put you down. > "I think we'll just order our usual and you > can pick off the toppings that you don't like." CROW: So you ended up with cheese then? > That seemed to settle > the matter and half an hour later we were eating a large meat lovers CROW: [Legolas] I suppose it's too late to tell you I'm a vegetarian...? > with pineapple MIKE: I think I speak for the vast majority of the audience when I say, "EWWW!" > and teaching Legolas how to use the computer. MIKE: Ugh--after that meal, you should teach him how to use the Rolaids and the Pepto. TOM: [Crystal] This, this is "Internet Explorer". Now just go to a "website"... let's try www.fanfiction.net... CROW: [Legolas] Um, Crystal? What does "This program has performed an illegal operation" mean? TOM: [Crystal] Aaarrrgghhhh! Stupid internet! Crystal bitchslap! Wah! > "So you > just press down on this, what's this called?" MIKE: It's called Control-Alt-Delete! BOTS: Hit it! Hit it now! > "It's a keyboard Legolas, > a keyboard." CROW: [Legolas] A *keyboard*. How *quaint*. MIKE: [Fred Rogers] Can you say... keyboard? You can? I knew you could! > I answered not really paying attention. MIKE: [Crystal] Mmm...elf, Middle-earth. So what? > (Actually I was > practicing my piano TOM: So... Have we been thoroughly pummeled with her L33Tness, yet? CROW: Oh, hell no! She still has to fend of the gang of muggers attacking Legolas, teach him to speak Japanese, *AND* play matchmaker between Carolyn and the cute guy at the video store! > that is right next to the computer.) MIKE: So now we have a multi-chapter floor plan? CROW: [Carolyn] Keep at it, Crystal. You'll master "Chopsticks" maybe next year! TOM: [Crystal] I finally know what middle C is, so shut it! > "Ok so you just > press down on the keyboard and letters appear up here." MIKE: [Crystal] No, I press down on the keyboard and musical notes come out of here... oh, you mean *that* keyboard! > Legolas finished pointing at the monitor. TOM: Technology! Building a brighter tomorrow for you and me! CROW: [Legolas] What's this folder called "Orlando Bloom Porn"? MIKE: [Crystal] ... > "Ya'know what" I said looking up from my > playing, "we should take you to see the sights of our world while you're > here." CROW: [Crystal] There's the Denny's on Hampton Street, and Mrs. Vanderschmidt's one-legged dog.... MIKE: Try to teach the guy anything? Screw it! My whims are much more important! > "That's a great idea" Carolyn said happily, MIKE: Crystal needs her recommended daily dose of praise, or she gets cranky. > "tomorrow lets take > him to crescent beach." MIKE: David Hasselhoff is Legolas Greenleaf in "The Two Towers of Baywatch". CROW: Ah, Pamela Lee must make her triumphant return in that one. [Mike grumbles.] > I was starting to get really excited, CROW: Well, it's about damn time! The elf prince has been here for what, three days? > "Yeah, > sounds good Carolyn. Legolas we're going to the ocean where you can swim > and get really good ice-cream." TOM: [Crystal] We'll drag the last of that ol' dignity right out of you! MIKE: [Legolas] Ice cream comes from the ocean? What kind of wacked-out dimension is this? > "Great even though I only understood two > words in your sentence, ocean and swim, TOM: [Legolas] ...I think I'm doing pretty good, especially since I only speak Sindarin and Westron. > sounds like fun anyway." MIKE: It's like he's trapped in my high school Spanish class. CROW: [unintelligible]...rico suave! TOM: [Legolas, sarcastically] And what of these other words: "really", "get", "you", "can"? Is this Dwarvish? > Legolas said with a small smile. MIKE: [Legolas] God! Did I leave my brains in Middle-earth? I'm such a doorknob here! TOM: So he didn't get "you"? He's kinda dense, huh? MIKE: The handsome ones always are. CROW: Are those sour grapes I hear? > > > > The next morning we went to the mall as soon as it opened to get > Legolas some swim trunks, TOM: Legolas! You're not supposed to change into them on the escalator! CROW: What, not a Speedo? These girls are missing one wonderful opportunity after another. "Hey, Legolas, this is what all the studs are wearing to the beach this year. Really." MIKE: Hmm... Legolas in a Speedo. File that one next to "thinking about baseball." > then headed to the beach. TOM: [Crystal] We hooked up with Frankie and Annette and had a big ol’ time! > We found a good > parking spot seeing as there was almost no one there. (It's a Thursday > morning). First we walked along the beach MIKE: Sessions presents: Barry Manilow! CROW: o/~ Oh, Mandy! o/~ MIKE: David Soul! TOM: o/~ Don't give up on us baby! o/~ MIKE: Climax! BOTS: o/~ Precious and few are the moments we two can share! o/~ MIKE: And many more! > trying to find a good place to > set up 'camp' after about fifteen minutes we found the perfect place CROW: [Crystal] Hell! > it was not too far from everything (shops and food places) but not too > close. It was surrounded by almost a grove of driftwood TOM: Can someone kindly explain how something could be 'almost a grove'? MIKE: Ah, I see Crystal's got approximate metaphysics down to a science. > so we were > protected from the wind. MIKE: Sheesh! Are they planning on spending his whole ten-day stay right here? > We started our day at the beach with MIKE: ...INTENSE BEACH BLANKET ACTION! > kite flying, poor Legolas his kite didn't seem to want to stay in the air MIKE: Good grief. CROW: [Crystal] Let me guess... "this has never happened to you before", right? TOM: [Legolas] ... > so we took turns with the good kites. After that we got hot dogs and ice > cream for lunch. CROW: Ack... so easy... so horribly, jaw-droppingly easy... TOM: Hmmm... wonder what mustard tastes like as an ice cream topping. > Legolas loved the ice cream. (He got bubble gum) TOM: Bubble gum ice cream. Meat Lover's pizza with pineapples! You people are freaks! CROW: What? No long, drawn-out segment of Crystal explaining it to Legolas? MIKE: Don't taunt her. > Around one we decided to go for a swim. MIKE: o/~ Danger's in our soul, we goin' outta control, swimming right after a big heavy meal! o/~ > So we got changed in the public change > rooms. TOM: [Carolyn] EEEEK! Legolas, wrong room! CROW: [Crystal] Well, it looks like he's not Prince of the Bedroom, that's for sure... > "Race ya to the water" Carolyn yelled we all took off I dove in > head first, MIKE: This is a *beach,* Crystal, not a swimming pool-- BOTS: THUD! MIKE: Never mind. > Carolyn walked in a little slower but Legolas took one step > in and shouted "HOLY ELBERETH THAT'S COLD" TOM: *Bwarrrrp* Legolas Greenleaf, you are fined one credit for violation of the verbal morality statute... > and refused to go any > further. CROW: [Legolas] It fwoze my widdle piggies. > "Oh come on you big baby Carolyn said MIKE: Sweet baby Carolyn! > pulling him in waist > deep. He slowly walked a little deeper until the water was up to his > chest. MIKE: All the better to hide his shame! TOM: "Elvish shrinkage..." That can't be a pretty sight! > I took my chance and slowly swam up to Legolas underwater CROW: Whoa, fanfic! Where are you going with this-- > popping up right behind him CROW: Are we still trying to keep things PG-13? MIKE: Yep! CROW: Well there goes every riff I had... TOM: Mike, this isn't fair! I mean, come on, *you* were thinking the same thing! I know it! How are we supposed to riff with you-- MIKE: --shut up. > I dunked him. [All breathe a relieved sigh.] TOM: Whew! Just more silly nonsense. MIKE: I think we all live in fear this fic will suddenly turn lemon. > Coming up sputtering Legolas turned > around to CROW: [Crystal] ...fillet me like a freshly-caught mutated sea bass... > do the same to me TOM: [Crystal] Legolas? Blub blub you're only supposed blub blub to hold me under blub blub for half a second blub, not half an hour...aaaaacccckkkk gaaaack gaaaaaack!!! > but I dove into a wave swimming a to safe > distance of about ten feet CROW: [Crystal] His superior elvish strength being no match for my Aura of Smooth! Mwa! I mean, *obviously* I can swim faster than lithe, graceful semi-divine princes of nature. What are you trying to say?! > away so he turned to Carolyn who he thought > had to have a play in this. She was unprepared as he started towards her > and dunked her. MIKE: [Legolas] Phew, one fangirl down, one to go! > She came up yelling CROW: [Carolyn] I GOT WATER IN MY LUNGS, ACK! *COUGH!* > "YOUR SO DEAD GREENLEAF!!!" TOM: [Legolas] I'll bring out my just plain dead if that'll help... CROW: [Legolas, confused] If my greenleaf is dead, how is it green? > That started our big water fight. CROW: Frenchy immediately filed protest with the UN. > An hour later we came out of the water > very wet MIKE: Destinygurl's power of Obvious is reaching Troi-like levels. CROW: Fanboy. > and tired, TOM: And pruney. > we sat on our blanket and played cards then we walked > along the beach. TOM: [Crystal] Carolyn...get a clue. Ird-thay eel-whay. Am-scray... CROW: Sessions presents: Billy Jacks! MIKE: o/~ We had joy, we had fun. We had seasons in the sun! o/~ CROW: Air Supply! TOM: o/~ Even the nights are better o/~ CROW: America! MIKE: o/~ I been through the desert on a horse with no name o/~ CROW: And many more! > At five we decided to pack up and go for dinner, we sat > at a caf right on the beach MIKE: And dug right in. Nothing like raw veal right off the bone. > and made Legolas try fish and chips. CROW: God, you people are boring! > Surprisingly he liked them. TOM: Then they made him try spotted dick. > Once it got dark we went home. "So Legolas > how did you like your day at the beach?" TOM: [Legolas] It was the ginchiest! MIKE: Well, it wasn't no day at the bea-- CROW: No, honey. > I asked as we drove home. "It > was great I liked the ice cream." He answered. CROW: [Legolas] Oh, and the part where I held your head underwater and watched you struggle helplessly for breath. > "They have some of the > best ice cream there," Carolyn said. "We should take you to Baskin > Robbins" TOM: First the ocean, *then* Baskin Robbins! Ol' Crystal sure knows the sites to see in...well, wherever they are. > I said knowing Legolas would like it, CROW: Aw, screw them, Legolas. Ben & Jerry's is the way to go! TOM: Don't be ridiculous...why would they... > "they have even better > ice cream." TOM: --Oh. Yeah. Never mind. MIKE: You freaky psychic robots you. > Once we got home I turned on the TV not really watching and > talked about what we were doing tomorrow. "We are going to Cultus Lake > with MIKE: [Crystal] ...my friends, Jim Jones, David Koresh, and Sun Myung Moon. CROW: [Crystal] And just wait until you meet Torgo! > my youth group." MIKE: The Raelians! TOM: [Crystal] With their help, we'll clone Legolas, and sell him to fangirls all around the world. We'll be millionaires! > I told Legolas. CROW: [Crystal, cheerful] I control your every move, slave. > "Are we actually going to this, it > could be a problem with all those people." Carolyn said worriedly. CROW: [Carolyn] Is a place called "Cultus" Lake *really* the best place to take a "youth group?" TOM: [Crystal] We'll have human sacrifices and everything! It'll be sooo cool. > "I'm not going to miss this, I promised to bring the boat and tube and water > skis. CROW: [Crystal] And the "special" Kool-Aid! MIKE: [Carolyn] But Crystal, what if he goes on another wild killing spree? TOM: [Crystal] But...but..waterskiing! > We'll just keep to our group of friends, TOM: Famous last words.... MIKE: Wait, wait, you have friends? > it's a good thing > Catherine is not coming she's obsessed with you, Legolas" MIKE: [Carolyn] *cough*POT*cough*KETTLE*cough... TOM: What, are there no Aragorn fans in their little clique? CROW: Meanwhile, somewhere in Middle-earth, Gimli cries himself to sleep, because no teenage girls have based their obsessive fandom on *him*... > I said "Yeah" > Carolyn said relived. "All right I'll just explain my friends so you'll > know what to expect." ALL: o/~ If you wanna be my lover/You gotta get with my friends... o/~ > I said this was going to be interesting "ok so you > know John already, then there's David he's kinda quiet so you don't have > to worry about him. MIKE: [Crystal] Just don't say 'Waco' or 'Janet Reno' around him. > Now there's Ryan he's....... well......um....... MIKE: Robbing the ellipsis storehouse? CROW: [Duke Togo] ... > interesting" MIKE: [muttering] Makes one of you... > "Good word for him" Carolyn praised. TOM: Daily dose, right there. > "He's very loud and tends to run > into thing and fall over for no reason, TOM: Precisely how is he 'interesting'? CROW: [Carolyn] I think he's taking those Jerry Lewis lessons a bit too far. MIKE: It's just like my aunt always said: you can pick your fictional companions, but you can't pick your friends. > when you're with him don't > mention Oompa loompas or your going to get an earful." ALL: EEEWWW!!! TOM: Ummm...Oompa-Loompas? MIKE: I think we read that right. TOM: I'd cry but this thing has sucked out every last piece of my soul to the point where I no longer feel emotion to cry. CROW: My eyes are starting to rust, actually. > (Ryan has a thing > with Oompa loompas ALL: Eeeeeeewwwwwww!!! CROW: I'm not *even* going to go *there*... > he thinks they're trying to take over the world, ALL: Whew! CROW: See? I told you, you nonbelievers! I am not alone! TOM: Shut up. > he blames everything on them). TOM: [Carolyn] Of course, Ryan thinks LSD makes a great dipping sauce. > "Oompa loompas?" Legolas asked. Now I had > gone and done it I had to explain oompa loompas to Legolas. MIKE: Umm... No you don't. > > "Never mind just don't mention them." MIKE: See? Wasn't that easy? > I finished, "Then there's Stefan CROW: He's the manliest of the bunch... > he the one we > all pick on but it's just in fun and lastly there's Joe he's kind of a > skater boy TOM: [Avril Lavigne] o/~ He's just a boy, I'm just a girl... o/~ CROW: Hey, don't you mean 'sk8r b0i'? MIKE: How do you *do* that? > but he's very sweet." MIKE: Ah, womanspeak for "I'll never date this clown". CROW: Personal experience? MIKE: Shut up! CROW: Viiirgiiin... MIKE: Shut *up*! Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup! Aaarrgghhh! > > > TOM: Wow, they've got their very own Fellowship going here! CROW: Of the *Onion* Ring, maybe... > > > Disclaimer: I don't own anything not Ryan, Joe, John, David, Brian, TOM: [Destinygurl] But together, they form... VOLTRON! CROW: The disclaimer so nice, she included it twice! MIKE: On your marks, let's start...oh, never mind! > Carolyn, Legolas (damn it), Stefan, the boat, the tube, the water skis, > oompa loompas, MIKE: Willy Wonka has title to *them.* TOM: He doesn't *own* them, Mike! He pays them all the cacao beans they can eat! > Fresco's, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Pita > Pizzazz, Starbucks, Star Wars Episode Two and any of it's characters, MIKE: ...So Crystal owns everything from Lord of the Rings except that which she most covets? Harsh. CROW: Peter Jackson may sell things off by the piece, but ol' George *insists* on your buying the total package! > Canada Place, Waterfront, the skytrain, Imax theatre, TOM: [sarcastically] Since it's the only one ever? > Bear Creek Park > and anything else I forgot, I only own myself. CROW: [Destinygurl] I don't even own this story. I traded it to Carolyn for a shiny marble she had. MIKE: This is threatening to turn into a distaff Undocumented Features. TOM: Say... if this story is "Legolas, Back to the Future," then shouldn't Marty McFly and Doc Brown have been in that list? > By the way the jokes TOM: Oh, I doubt that... > belong to whoever said them first. And most of these jokes are taken > from real events; TOM: The names have been changed to protect the stupid. > they are actually said by the people who said them in > the story I've made sure of it. > MIKE: I have this inexplicable feeling of deja vu... um, does this look familiar to anybody? CROW: Oh my GOD! Chapter Eight's staring over again!!! Will this never end?!?! TOM: We've been sucked into a never-ending temporal causality loop... just like on TV! MIKE: Crow, are you *sure* you turned off your space-time dimensional thing? CROW: Well, yes... in a way that means no... MIKE: *sigh* We'd better go and see what the problem is... let's get out of here, you guys... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Gypsy is watching a movie on the space-time dimensional thing. Mike, Tom and Crow rush out of the theater frantically.] MIKE: Gypsy, don't touch that machine! You'll wreck the space-time continuum! GYPSY: Guys, I am *trying* to watch a movie here... MIKE: Gypsy, you don't understand... that TV is hooked up to a very volatile and powerful space-time gizmo that warps reality into its own twisted image! GYPSY: Ahem... I'm getting to the best part here! It's so hard to watch movies when you're being interrupted, especially if you're maintaining all the ship's vital functions at the same time! MIKE: But... it... don't you remember the last time? We put in "Lord of the Rings" and trees starting growing everywhere, and Tom and Crow turned into bad hobbit stereotypes and you turned into an elf princess? GYPSY: You mean I'm not an elf princess? MIKE: *sigh* Gyps, why don't you watch TV in my room? I've got "Mansion of the Doomed" on DVD! GYPSY: I slave all day to keep you boys from burning up in Earth's atmosphere, and what thanks do I get? Sheesh! Just see if I let *you* into my initial public offering! [slinks off in a huff] CROW: Gee... touchy... what was she watching, anyway? TOM: Hmmm... looks like "E.T."... right about the scene where the cops and scientists bust into the house looking for the kids... CROW: Say... maybe the gizmo will bring us Drew Barrymore this time! Hoo-hoo! MIKE: Crow, that's disgusting, even for you. She was six years old in this movie! CROW: Exactly, Mike! She was such an adorable little thing back then! Just think of all the fun we'd have burying her in stuffed animals, startling her with sudden movements, or even playing dollies and dress-up! MIKE: Um... I don't think I want to know. Plus, we kind of have a JOB TO DO? Like turning off this darn thingamajigger so reality will go back to normal or something? TOM: Awwww, Mike, they're just about to get to the best part! CROW: [tugging on the on-off switch] Plus... it seems... to be... stuck... MIKE: Well, then.... um... [picks up a rolled-up magazine] hit it with this copy of "Guns and--" [the magazine suddenly transforms into a walkie- talkie] Ammo...? TOM: Now, there's something you don't see every day. MIKE: [Tosses walkie-talkie, and picks up a toy gun] Well, how about this? [Toy gun turns into a walkie-talkie] Huh? [Picks up a Rush Limbaugh book] Or this? [Book turns into a walkie-talkie] What the heck? [Picks up a Playboy magazine and it turns into, well, you guessed it...] CROW: NOOOOOOO!!! My rare limited-edition copy with Pamela Anderson Lee! Of course I've collected it just for the articles, but NOOOOO!!!! MIKE: So everything even vaguely offensive or threatening is being turned into a walkie-talkie? TOM: I should have known. We're watching the "E.T." Special Edition... MIKE: And hey, my copy of Tom Clancy's latest book just turned into a walkie- talkie, and then disappeared! Probably because it had both guns *and* terrorists in it... CROW: [crying, irate] Spielburg, how could you? First you needlessly censor your own movie, and now this??!?!? Must you inflict your politically- correct sensibilities on the whole *universe* now? Here's what I think about your so-called "Special Edition--" [Crow attempts to flip off the TV but his entire hand suddenly turns into a walkie-talkie.] AAAAUGH!!! TOM: Gee whiz, Crow! Holy shi-- [But before Tom could finish his explitive, Tom himself turns into a large walkie-talkie.] MIKE: Servo! TOM: It's okay, Mike! Being a walkie-talkie is kind of fun! [staticky walkie-talkie voice] Breaker Breaker 409. I've got smokies on my tail, over! CROW: That's CB slang, not walkie-talkie slang! TOM: Eh, what do you know? CROW: Cinus suprimus! TOM: Zero charisma! CROW: Cinus suprimus! TOM: Zero charisma! CROW: Cinus suprimus! TOM: Zero charisma! [Movie sign flashes, and the klaxons blare. Tom and Crow are oblivious in their shouting.] MIKE: Oh great, and now we've got fanfic sign! [Picks up Tom] Urgh... give it a break, you guys... [pushes the machine's off switch on his way out] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [Theater. With the machine turned off, Tom and Crow slowly return to normal.] CROW: Man, that was weird and a half... TOM: At least I still have my proboscis! *tweet* > > > The next morning we got up early and hooked the boat to the truck CROW: Sadly, they forgot to attach it to wheels and it dragged on the road until the bottom wore away... > then > at 9:00am we met everyone at Bear Creek Park. I quickly got my friends > away from the crowd and show Legolas to them CROW: [first-grader] Today...for Show-&-Tell? I brang in my pet elf Leggie? He's my favorite toy ever! TOM: *SIGH!* "Discreet" describes these people as well as "Mutant Superhero" does! > and there was complete > silence (even from Ryan) TOM: [Random kid] I never thought anyone could seep so far into their own delusions... MIKE: [Ryan] And I'm supposed to be the crazy one. > "How did he get here?" Joe asked. CROW: [TV announcer] The techno-babble teleporter...solve all your plot problems with space age technology, only $1 zillion plus negative two zillion shipping and handling! > "He just > appeared." I answered. "Is he real?" Stefan asked puzzled. MIKE: [Crystal] No, he isn't real, moron. Come on! > "OF COURSE HE'S REAL!!" I yelled CROW: [Crystal] Have you forgotten my brain hemorrhage? > but then I calmed down MIKE: [Crystal] After taking my medication... > "I'm sorry I've just become > friends with him so I have to defend him." MIKE: Legolas being much too stupid to do it himself. TOM: [Crystal] How *dare* you ask if my imaginary friend is real! > "It's ok" Stefan answered. MIKE: [Stefan] I'm German. > "Why is everyone talking about me as if I'm not here?" Legolas > questioned his eyes flashing. TOM: He's a Super-Seizure Fighting Robot. MIKE: And Legolas is complaining? CROW: [Legolas] Do you know how many Uruk-hai have died on my blades? > "Sorry Legolas it's just shocking for them > to see you, they thought you were just a fictional character before > this." MIKE: But since the author likes him, you can all suck eggs! CROW: Oh, my god, I just thought... TOM: What? CROW: What if... What if Legolas gets hold of a copy of Lord of the Rings? Would the book even be different? What would happen! MIKE: Ouch! Brain hemorrhage! *Major* brain hemorrhage! Aaagghhh! > Carolyn said. "All right Legolas this is Ryan, John, David, Joe > and Stefan MIKE: And together, they form Voltron! TOM: Geez... and you bitch at me for repeat riffing? MIKE: What? That wasn't a rep...oh, give it a rest, Servo! > everybody this is Legolas Greenleaf CROW: ...of the Vanderbilt Greenleaves... > of Mirkwood. MIKE: [Crystal] He's a motivational speaker. CROW: [Legolas] I live in a *tree* DOWN BY THE RIVER! TOM: And he's an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Legolas. CROW: Didn't we already do that gag? TOM: So? Still works! > I need your > help concealing him from everybody today. CROW: [Crystal] So if anyone asks, he came here in a power outage! Got it? MIKE: Of course, since he's out in the open, and he's new to the little youth group thing and whatnot, that might be a trick, huh? > "Right" Said David, "we can do > that." "K guys time to go" TOM: c u al l8r!1!1!11!! MIKE: Damn you all, I *will* crack the code one day... > Brian (one of the youth leaders) called. "I > can take 3 more people," I said. ALL: Whoa! CROW: I got whiplash from that topic shift! I'll sue! TOM: Can you say "non sequitur"? > (I had installed a seat in the bed (back) > of the truck). TOM: Hamdinger says she cut and pasted that right out of thesaurus.com! MIKE: The proceeding text exists for the benefit of those too stupid to know what the back of a truck is, which would include most of this fic's target audience. BOTS: ZING! > Ryan, David and John came with me. (Also Carolyn > and Legolas) TOM: And Trixie. And Lu-lu, and Fifi, and Rosita-chita...whatever her name is! CROW: Wow. The handsome object of fan girl affections has just been relegated to background status for three non-descript, run-of-the-mill high school students. MIKE: Boggles the mind. > They spent a good part of the hour and a half drive asking > Legolas questions. MIKE: Yeah, like, "How is it that you haven't killed Crystal yet?" CROW: And, "Pleezsir, help us escape the fanfic!" TOM: Wait, wait! She didn't tell us exactly how *the other people* are getting to the lake! The whole story hinges on that! > "Are there oompa loompas in Middle-Earth?" Ryan asked CROW: [Legolas] There were... [more ominous] ...they're dead now! Vwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! TOM: [Legolas] But we *do* have some goblins with bad tans... > and before I could stop him Legolas asked what they were. Half an hour > later Ryan was still explaining what oompa loompas were CROW: What's there to explain?! Small, hairy, turn people into grapes. Next! TOM: Man, he talks *slow*! MIKE: [*very slowly*] Ttttttthhhhhhheeeeeeyyyyyyyy........aaaarrrreeee....... oooorrrraaaannngggeee.... > so I turned up > the radio really loud hoping he would TOM: ...pass out silently under the plastic sheet we put him under. Unfortunately he asphyxiated. So we buried the body in the foundation of a newly-built house and had to live with what we had done. Two years later, the ghost returned, and Adam killed himself. MIKE: Wow... ten points if you get *that* reference... > get the message and shut up, MIKE: As opposed to, say, asking him. TOM: [Crystal] I shalt not bestow dialogue upon so inferior a being! CROW: [Crystal] Plus the Backstreet Boys were on. > he did. "Ryan" I said MIKE: [Crystal] Too bad he couldn't hear me over the loud music! TOM: [Ryan] Aww man, did it have to be rap? > "Stop confusing Legolas you know there are no oompa > loompas in Middle-Earth just like there are no pineapples." TOM: Get it?!? JUST LIKE THERE ARE NO PINEAPPLES?! AHAHAHAHAHA--Mike, kill me. > Carolyn > laughed and Legolas glared at me. "Inside joke" Carolyn said answering > Ryan's questioning look. When we got to Cultus Lake MIKE: [Legolas] What do all those old signs say? CROW: [Crystal] Nothing! MIKE: [Legolas] "Welcome to Crystal Lake?" I thought this was "Cultus Lake." CROW: [Crystal] Nothing! It means nothing! LOOK, MOVE ON!!! > I drove to the > launch ramp to CROW: ...sacrifice Ryan to Isis. > put the boat in the water. Despite their best efforts > Legolas and Ryan were not helping (Ryan was goofing off and Legolas > didn't know what he was doing, MIKE: [Legolas] Oh God...water...water everywhere....AHHH! DUCKS! HELP ME! > one of them was going to end up falling > off the dock) TOM: Good grief! Did Legolas swap brains with Gilligan? > so I got out of the truck and pushed Ryan into the TOM: ...water, where he was promptly devoured by an alligator. MIKE: Awful dark there, Tom. TOM: This fic is slowly devouring my soul and I must strike back against it in any way I can. CROW: But just an alligator? TOM: [darkly, almost maniacal] That was for the extras. I have plotted a more... *personal* death for Crystal...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [Mike and Crow both scoot to the farthest part of their seats from Tom as possible.] > passenger seat where he had to stay for a while. CROW: [Crystal] And if you say anything more about Legolas' hair I swear I'll turn this truck right around! > Finally we got the boat > in the water, Carolyn drove the truck to the park and everyone else > (that was in my truck) went in the boat. (Ryan, John, Legolas and > David). TOM: Oh, thanks for that little reminder...DIE! > When we first got the boat (about five years ago) I was > terrified to drive it but now I was virtually fearless, MIKE: [Crystal] And my 320 safety citations prove it! > I was going > almost full speed. MIKE: Destroying precious eco-systems all the way. TOM: *THUMP, THUMP* CROW: [Crystal] Stupid manatees! Why are they always in my way?! > Legolas was freaking out CROW: They must have given him more coffee. TOM: Don't worry, Legolas. As long as you aren't the one jetskiing, you're all right. > he didn't like my 'reckless > driving' as he called it. "Awe come on Legolas lighten up." CROW: [Crystal] I haven't killed anyone in over a year! > I called to > him over the wind, he was quiet after that but still dug his fingers > into the seat every time I made a turn. We started off by going swimming > while Brian took people around in the tube. CROW: Whoa, fanfic! Where ya goin'? TOM: The fanfic's loose! It's jumping randomly forward in time! > But all too soon our peace > was disturbed; Brian came over and asked me to drive the boat. "Why?" I > asked puzzled. "Some people want to water ski and I'm not qualified to > drive a boat that fast." He answered. CROW: So an adult youth leader is not qualified to drive the speedboat, but a teenage girl *is*? TOM: Maybe Destiny's taking writing lessons from Stephen Ratliff. > "Ok I'll be along in a sec." I > said shooing him away. MIKE: [Crystal] I'm the boss of you, not the other way around! > "Legolas you can come out." CROW: [Legolas] Finally, I can tell Aragorn how I really feel! TOM: You're dead, Goldilocks! > Carolyn called, (He > had hid behind a dock), CROW: *Behind* the dock?! Is there room!? TOM: [Legolas] I'm a fish...I'm a fish...I'm a fish... MIKE: And here I thought Legolas was still in the boat. > and reluctantly I left. Half an hour later the > other people had finally finished with the boat and were swimming. Now > it was our turn with the boat first we went around in the tube and I > succeeded in everyone but John. MIKE: Err...what? > But then they ganged up and flipped me a > few times. CROW: And the proletariat rises up against their cruel oppressor! > Next we tried water skiing. MIKE: Using Legolas as a ramp. > Joe and Stefan managed to stay up > for a few minutes, TOM: [Stefan] Viagra, work your magic! > everyone got up for at least a few seconds, then it > was my turn, and I got John to CROW: I can't, can I Mike? MIKE: Good Crow. You're learning. > drive the boat. MIKE: [John] We're gonna need a bigger boat. > "HIT IT!" ALL: o/~ Da dun da dun dun dun! It's time to meet the Muppets... o/~ MIKE: I had sixteen showing on the table, but what the hell? > I yelled. I got > a questioning look from John. ALL: [John] DUUUH!!! > "Hit it is what water skiers say when > they're ready to go." Carolyn explained. TOM: Oh, now I see. It's not LEGOLAS that's that stupid, it's EVERYONE. CROW: C'mon... this "ignorance of modern idiom" gag was old when Mr. Data did it! Give us a break, already! > "Ok" John said understanding. TOM: Why would John say understanding? MIKE: It's just a missed comma, honey. > "HIT IT!" I yelled again. ALL: [Miss Piggy] Hiiiiiiiiiii yah!!! > He put the boat at medium speed. I was > ploughing water CROW: Yep, gonna grow a mighty fine crop of algae this year. > "Faster," I said, "Full speed." TOM: *THUMP, SQUISH!* CROW: [Crystal] Stupid dolphins, acting like they own the ocean! MIKE: Guys? Desist. CROW: Awww... > Once I got up I stayed > up for a good 8 minutes. TOM: Yes, but what's her Kobayashi Maru time? > After it got dark the youth split up our group > of friends went to Fresco's a tiny little 24 hour restaurant with very > good food and very big CROW: ...bra sizes. > portions. TOM: This is like an afterschool special on 'shrooms! > "So how did you like your day, > Legolas?" Stefan asked once we sat down with our food. "It was fun but I > still don't like CROW: Being relegated to the background? TOM: Having his character maimed beyond recognition? MIKE: Powerboats? > powerboats." MIKE: I win. Pay up. [Tom and Crow grumble.] > He answered. "I wish there was a lake > closer so that we could do this more often." David said wistfully. We > all agreed. MIKE: It's unanimous. HR1245772 "Build a lake near Crystal's house so she can use her boat whenever she wants" is approved. > Legolas had gotten teriyaki chicken at my request MIKE: Knowing Crystal, it was more of a demand at gunpoint! CROW: Well, Legolas doesn't really have free will, right? > (I want him to try as many dishes of our culture as possible) CROW: By giving him a dish of a different culture! MIKE: The irony is overwhelming. TOM: She has a point, Mike. Bastardized foreign food is definitely a staple of clueless white girl culture. > and he was happily > eating in silence when, low and behold, Ryan brought up oompa loompas > again. "I know how they keep this food so cheap" he said with a smile. TOM: They buy in bulk? > "How?" Joe asked. I knew where this was headed so I gave Ryan a warning > glance but it was too late he had already started. TOM: GASP! He does not shrink before her glare! CROW: What sort of being is he?! > "The oompa loompa > slaves make it." TOM: That new labor camp they installed in the chocolate factory makes things soooo much easier! CROW: Mike? MIKE: Yes, Crow? CROW: Is it okay for me to hate Ryan with all my robot soul? MIKE: Knock yourself out! > At this comment Legolas looked up "I still don't fully > understand the concept of oompa loompas and why they are so funny." TOM: That makes you a normal, well-adjusted person, Legolas. CROW: Ya know, before this story started, I would have wondered what Legolas' problem was. MIKE: Not now though? CROW: Now I'm not sure even *I* know what oompa loompas are! > Ryan opened his mouth to answer but I nudged him in the ribs, hard. TOM: [Crystal] I nodded in approval as his spleen flew out of his mouth. CROW: [Carolyn] Ewww, it landed on my shoes! > "Owww." He moaned, "What'd you do that for?" MIKE: [Crystal, mock menacingly] Your banal existence displeases me, foolish one! > "Legolas we will explain when we > get home." Carolyn said (we were not amused). MIKE: We *were,* however, channeling Queen Victoria. TOM: [Carolyn] (We were not amused). MIKE: Stop talking in punctuation! > -Sort of awkward but not > really silence- "There's that awkward silence again" Ryan said ~he was > always saying that even though most of the time it isn't awkward~ TOM: So is it awkward? MIKE: I don't think it's awkward. CROW: Then again, it seems to be leaning in the awkward direction. TOM: But still, it is not quite enough to be classified as awkward. MIKE: Perhaps more uncomfortable than awkward? > "So we were thinking of going to downtown Vancouver CROW: [Crystal] And fighting off the Hello Kitty. Gotta get there before that Kintorow Freon guy. > tomorrow does anyone > want to come with us?" I asked "Cause the more people that come the less > Legolas will be noticed." MIKE: Sorry...I'm gonna haveta see your math notes how that adds up. TOM: Or you could just not bring him! You ever thought of that?! > "If I can meet up with you guys in the > afternoon then I'll go" Joe said. "When and where?" I asked. 1:00pm in > the waterfront food court." He answered. "K" "I can come also." TOM: [Tommy Lee Jones] Agent J says he'll stay out, though... > Ryan said he wanted to get to know Legolas more also he loved downtown. CROW: All those strip joints, crackhouses, panhandlers... > "Me too" said John "I'm not working tomorrow." "That's great anyone else." CROW: This story's banality is jaw-dropping. TOM: Never in the history of the world has someone written so much about so little. MIKE: Plot? Conflict? A Mary Sue craves not these things. > Carolyn asked they all shook their heads. "Oh well, we'd better be > going, see you two tomorrow at nine, ok?" MIKE: Crystal, hon? You should realize by now that you and your friends are godawfully boring. Thought I'd point that out. > It was more of a statement > then a question but I decided it would be nice to ask anyway. TOM: [Crystal] I like to give them the illusion of control. > "Yup." > Ryan said. "Sure that's great." John agreed. "All right see you guys," I > said getting up. "Bye everyone hope to see you again before I go." > Legolas called. "Bye Legolas" David said. "So how do you like my > friends?" I asked Legolas on the way home. CROW: [Legolas] I'd rather make out with an Uruk-Hai than even see them again. > "They're nice although I'm > not so sure about Ryan." He answered, "It's like he's not all there." TOM: [Legolas, to self] Sort of like some *other* people I could mention... > "He isn't," Carolyn said, MIKE: [Carolyn] His brain fell out last year, and we never found it. > "that's why he's so funny." CROW: Ha ha ha, the mentally ill are FUNNY! > "Don't worry > you'll learn to like him just like I did, give it time, it took me no > less than five years." I said earnestly. MIKE: But Legolas only has 10 days. > "You're right I should give him > another chance," Legolas said, CROW: [Legolas] One. And then he dies. > "besides he is pretty funny." Once we got > home I showed Legolas the Charlie and the Chocolate video CROW: Thus giving Legolas a lifelong fear of chewing gum... MIKE: The what video? CROW: I thought Oompa-Loompas were from "*Willy Wonka* and the Chocolate Factory". TOM: It's a filthy Canadian rip-off! Damn Canadians! Is nothing sacred to you? > and he finally > understood what oompa loompas are MIKE: [Legolas] Oh, I see, so they're just overweight hobbits in jumpsuits? > but he still didn't get why they were > so funny to us. MIKE: See my 'normal, well-adjusted' riff above. > "It's ok you'll get it some day... TOM: [Crystal] ...after we give you your lobotomy. MIKE: [Legolas] I'm still thinking not. > Maybe even tomorrow." CROW: [Crystal] If you're a good little elf and you do your chores... > I said with a smile. Carolyn gave me a questioning look. "Huh?" Legolas > asked very confused, "What do you mean by that." Downtown Vancouver is > where our concept of oompa loompas, on the walkways outside Canada > Place." TOM: This a sentence fragment. CROW: What language is that? MIKE: I think she's speaking in tongues. TOM: If I re-read that last sentence again, my mind will for ever warp into insanity. > I continued. "So you might get a better explanation." "Sure" He > agreed slowly. CROW: [Legolas] You people are SO high... > "So what exactly is downtown and what can you do there?" > Legolas asked. "Well first we take the skytrain TOM: [deep, flat voice] o/~ Skytrain...to the end! o/~ MIKE: Great, thanks for that reminder, Tommy. > to waterfront, the last > station, then we just wander around, TOM: [Legolas] Oh, just like today then? > maybe go see and Imax movie, I hear > Star Wars Episode II is playing, that's a good one." Carolyn answered. TOM: It's official. We're in Hell. CROW: Look, we *all* like feeling smug, but couldn't you find a less explosive way to do it? MIKE: At once bizarrely idiosyncratic yet oh so very mainstream... just like everything else here, really. > "What is a skytrain?" Legolas asked. CROW: I can understand the train, but Legolas knows what an IMAX is? TOM: Turns out they're rather popular in Rivendell. Those documentaries on the Shire really bring in the customers. > I had almost forgotten how little > he knew. CROW: Well, in this case, he knows only as little as any non-Canadian. > "A skytrain is a form of public transportation, MIKE: Too bad it's not the New York subway. All these weirdos should fit right in... > it's kind of > like a car but runs on a track about 35 feet above ground. CROW: [Legolas] Is that so? Hmmmmm... [begins sharpening an imaginary knife] > It's the > easiest way for us to TOM: [Crystal] Push you out and claim it was an accident!!! Guwaaaa-haa-haa! > get to Vancouver" I said answering his question, > "it will make more sense if you see it." "Ok" He said satisfied for the > moment. TOM: Err...that's it? MIKE: This fic flows about as well as "Girl in Gold Boots". > > > CROW: We will now simulate the one moment of Legolas' satisfaction. > The next morning we got up at 8:00am because we had a lot to do CROW: o/~ Ya know sometimes...I like to sleep past noon... o/~ > before we left. TOM: [Crystal] Aah, I slept in! Have to milk the cat and butter the baby... oh wait... feed the toast and ... aaaaaaaahhh!!!! > Today Legolas go to try cereal MIKE: Today Dr. Thinker write part of story. TOM: Tomorrow, he go to his doom... ALL: GOOD GOD, NOOOOOOOO! > he had a big bowl of > Golden Grahams. TOM: Golden Grahams - truly the Breakfast of Champions. CROW: General Mills - not-so-proud sponsors of "Legolas, Back to the Future." > He got a little hyper from this TOM: He's got the metabolism of your hamster or your hummingbird. > but not as hyper as > Monday, CROW: [Crystal] This time he only tried to eat a fork, so it wasn't nearly as bad. > I suppose he has never had sugar for breakfast. TOM: Until he'd met you, he'd never had sugar AT ALL! CROW: Um, Mike? Didn't Legolas have coffee in the morning on Monday? MIKE: They have breakfast in the afternoon. CROW: But they ate at-- MIKE: They ate in the afternoon. CROW: But-- MIKE: Do you *defy* my logic? CROW: But I swear they-- MIKE: They *ate in the afternoon*. End of argument. Move along. CROW: Okay okay okay. Sheesh. TOM: Wait, wait, wait! Hold the phone! Is she trying to tell us that cereal gives Legolas a sugar buzz, but SODA AND ICE CREAM *DIDN'T*?!? CROW: But we couldn't have had that dramatic scene at the lake if Legolas was bouncing around like a power ball. MIKE: Besides, this is KOMEDY!!! TOM: ...Yeah. Yeah, Mike, that's right, its comedy. You, go, right on telling yourself that. MIKE: Once again, my normal, well-adjusted human being riff fits perfectly-- CROW: That could be an all-purpose riff in this fic, Mike. > After Legolas > calmed down we sat him on the couch and told him the new set of rules > for going downtown. "Don't make eye contact with anyone." I said. MIKE: They're going to New York now? > "Don't talk to anyone." Carolyn put in. TOM: [Carolyn] They'll only hurt you, and leave you for other fictional characters! > "Stay close to us." I continued. CROW: [Crystal] You must walk five paces behind me at all times, slave! > "Don't wander off." Carolyn said. We continued this way for quite some time. TOM: They're talking to him like he's a child? MIKE: Tom? Aren't you forgetting he is a braindead moron? TOM: *sigh* > "Don't go too near to the water." "Don't approach anyone." "Don't give > anything to anybody." MIKE: So basically, don't have any fun whatsoever. CROW: Kinda like around here.... > And so on until Legolas had enough, CROW: Playing the part of Legolas, little Mikey Brown from Thunder Bay. > "Ok, ok so > basically don't interact with anyone but you guys." He said annoyed. CROW: [Destinygurl] Yes, slave, you are here to fulfill my fantasies, and nothing else! > "And Ryan." I said "And Joe" Carolyn continued. "And John" I finished. > "I've got it, I've got it." TOM: [Legolas] I know your damn words, all right?! Just send me back to my own time, pronto! > Legolas said glaring at us he was getting > annoyed at us always finishing each other's sentences. TOM: Take a number, Greenleaf! > "Great then lets > go, it's almost nine." I called already going down the stairs. 10 MIKE: Destiny, honey? Chapter 9's supposed to come *before* Chapter 10. [All snicker] > minutes later we were at King George skytrain station. CROW: [Crystal] Hey, there's graffiti..."John Hancock was here?" MIKE: [Carolyn] Well that should be big enough for Fat George to read it! > "Oh so this is a > skytrain." Legolas said in wonderment. MIKE: [Legolas] It kinda sucks... > "Yes, now come on lets go buy our > tickets Ryan and John are already here." Said Carolyn getting out of the > truck and walking over to the building. "Morning guys" I said to John > and Ryan. John said "Hi Crystal." "Hey," was all that came out of Ryan's > mouth sleepily. TOM: So in other words, they exchanged greetings. MIKE: Yep. That's all. TOM: Fascinating that she can linger over the silliest of details. > "I see that someone's tired," I teased, "how late did we > stay up last night?" I inquired of him (Ryan) TOM: [Ryan] How should I know how late you stayed up? > "3:00am" he mumbled. "THAT > WAS SMART RYAN!" Carolyn yelled smacking him upside the head. MIKE: The irony of her sarcasm nearly crushed poor Carolyn as she was soon arrested for assault. CROW: We will return to "Degrassi Bi-Polar Jr. High" in just a moment. > "I think > it's time for some coffee" I said "we can get some at the gateway > station there's a Starbucks right across the street." CROW: Okay...so she's trying to keep Legolas inconspicuous but she takes him to a Starbucks for espressos? MIKE: On the other hand, maybe in his next buzz he'll try to eat the chairs thinking they're gingerbread and get carted away. CROW: Lucky him. > With that we went > to get our tickets." Stupid machines" John growled "Still don't take the > 'new' five dollar bills, they've been out for three years now." TOM: Um, John? You're supposed to put euros in those now. [All snicker] CROW: Wow! A scathing comment on Canadian vending machine owners' lack of concern for their customers? MIKE: Or, just another utterly pointless scene? TOM: You make the call! > "Here," I said giving him the change from my ticket. "Thanks." Once we got > our tickets we headed up to the loading platform. There was only one other > person there so we got a (train) car to ourselves. To stops later at > Gateway CROW: [Crystal] We snagged a great deal on a flat screen monitor! > we got off the skytrain to get coffee, I ordered two Verdi TOM: [Crystal] I'll take an Aida and a Rigoletto, please. > (the biggest size) iced mochas one for me and one for Carolyn and one tall > (the smallest size) TOM: Ah, *here's* the ironic commentary on the way we live now! > decaf iced mocha for Legolas. CROW: [Legolas] o/~ Mocha mocha man...I wanna be...a mochaaaaa maaan! o/~ > John got a Grande café > latte and Ryan got a Verdi plain black coffee. CROW: Thrill to the amazing coffee ordering scene! MIKE: Destinygurl: proud graduate of the Ratliff School of Neverending Lists. > We sat in a corner with > our drinks discussing what we were to do today. "So what do you want to > do today?" Carolyn asked. "I dunno what do you want to do?" I asked, "I > dunno what do you want to do?" TOM: [Carolyn] I dunno? What do you want to do? MIKE: [Crystal] I dunno? What do you want to do? TOM: [Carolyn] I dunno? What do you want to do? MIKE: [Crystal] I dunno? What do you... CROW: [Legolas] I... WILL... KILL... YOU... *ALL*!!! > Carolyn said starting to laugh. CROW: [Carolyn] Stop repeating me! TOM: [Crystal] Stop repeating me! CROW: [Carolyn] John, Crystal's repeating me! TOM: [Crystal] John, Crystal's repeating me! MIKE: That's enough, you two. CROW: [snickering] That's enough, you two. [Mike whacks Crow on the head] > "Now don't start that again." I said before bursting into a fit of giggles. > "Huh?" Legolas said very confused. TOM: For once, I'm right there with him. CROW: I think Legolas is taking the 'Han Solo' role in this fic: he represents the audience. > "Yeah" Ryan agreed. John rolled his > eyes at us and said "it's an old joke we used to say when we were kids > it's from the Disney movie 'The Jungle Book' it's actually very funny if > used in proper context." MIKE: Ya hear that Crystal? *Proper* context! TOM: Y'know, Destiny, if you have to explain the joke, it's probably not very funny in the first place. CROW: So she gets all her humor from Beatles-impersonating buzzards... why does that not surprise me? > "Ok so what do you want to do today?" Ryan > asked. "How 'bout we go see an Imax." John said. CROW: ...tha hell? It's just a frigging movie theater! What's so interesting about seeing a movie theater? MIKE: [John] Let's go spend $12 a piece to watch a cheesy documentary we'd skip on Discovery Channel just 'cause it's on a five-story-tall screen! Yay! > "Star Wars Episode II > is playing." Carolyn said CROW: [Carolyn] We must make an offering at the altar of Lucas. MIKE: Ah, so boring, bland characters pay money to go see more boring, bland characters. TOM: They like thinking they have personalities. > finally getting a hold of herself. "Lets go > see that." Ryan said excitedly. MIKE: [Ryan] 'Splosions! WOOO!!! TOM: Too much enthusiasm, Ryan... CROW: [Crystal] Oh, *you'll* get an orcish surprise, you... droid-lover! > "Ok we can go see when it's playing as > soon as we get downtown." I said getting up, "are we ready to go?" > "Yup" Ryan said finishing the last of his coffee and starting to perk > up. CROW: Oh boy! Maybe he'll start running into things! MIKE: Coffee: the antidepressant. > ~I shouldn't have gotten a Verdi~ I thought TOM: [Crystal] Man, those dissonant arias aren't sitting too well... MIKE: [Crystal] I could have got a Rossini, or a Puccini, or even a Wagner! > as I felt the hyperness > of coffee coming on. CROW: Oh God. TOM: We're doomed. > Legolas decided he didn't want to finish his coffee > (he had only taken a couple of sips) and was offering it to anyone, TOM: I don't blame him. Who in their right mind drinks DECAF?! CROW: [Legolas] No buzz, no point. > even though I already had WAY too much coffee I took it. MIKE: Well, so what? You specified earlier that Legolas ordered decaf. > I couldn't stand to > see a good iced mocha go to waste. I took one sip TOM: [low tones] We've secretly replaced the sugar in this coffee cup with ten ounces of metamphetamines. Let's see if she notices. > and coughed, CROW: [ditto] Well, folks, we have our answer! > "Legolas > how much sugar did you put in this?" "Ten packages," He said as if this > was the normal thing to do. TOM: So this is how Legolas could run non-stop for three days and slaughter sixty-one orcs at Helm's Deep! CROW: Man, what's Legolas gonna do once he gets home and he can't find any modern-day refined granulated sugar? TOM: Oh, I don't know, take up in a hollow tree and start the Keebler company, I suppose... > "TEN!!!" I yelled, CROW: [Monty Python] Three, sir! MIKE: What? Ten sounds just about right to me! TOM: Yeah, but you think that if you can't sink a lawn dart into it, the coffee's not done. MIKE: Bite me. > "that's pure plantation > sugar known to man." TOM: Uh, it's what? CROW: Whatever it is, it's effective! TOM: Mike, she's from your world. What is she talking about? MIKE: Oh no, she's not. She's not from any world I know of. > "Oops." CROW: Hey, fanfic! Why don't you let the audience in on the joke? TOM: Legolas is from Middle-earth, yet he knows what they're talking about while we're lost. Destinygurlish logic at its finest. > We got back on an empty skytrain and it was > a good thing it was empty because this were probably going to get > interesting with 4 teens on a coffee buzz and one Elf that has never > been on a skytrain. After gateway there is one more station then a big > bridge spanning the Fraser River. MIKE: That's appropriate, since this story is basically "Encino Man" with a Tolkien character. CROW: I'd hate to see what the Pauly Shore River looks like... *shudder* > We were just getting on the bride MIKE: Wait--they're to the honeymoon already, and we missed the wedding? TOM: Wow! I wonder what the *groom* have to say about that! CROW: MIIIKE! She's going to make me use up all my good off-color stuff before we're even half done! MIKE: Well, what do you want me to do about it? Go back in time and edit this thing? CROW: YES!!! MIKE: Right. I'll get right on that. > when Legolas took the liberty to look out the window. We were in the side > that makes it look like there is nothing between the water and us but > hundreds of feet of air TOM: [Legolas] o/~ Am I standing still...with the scenery flying by? o/~ > so he started to freak out, TOM: [Legolas] AAAAAAAH!!! AIR!!! MIKE: Freak out! [Horrible music--i.e., disco--plays while M&tB dance, Mike doing John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. After a few seconds, the music stops.] MIKE: Whoa! Felt like I was trapped in the Seventies there for a second. TOM: Better than being trapped in the Eighties. MIKE and CROW: You said it! > he hurried over to > the other side of the train. TOM: Okay, let's take another quick plot check. MIKE: Tom, really, must we... TOM: Legolas has fought legions of orcs. MIKE: Yes, but... TOM: ...the Nazgûl horde... MIKE: Well, yea, but... TOM: ...scaled the mighty mountain Caradhras when the rest of the fellowship was falling face-first in the snow... MIKE: Yes, but... TOM: AND HE'S AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?! MIKE: Tom? Enough with the plot checks. We know. CROW: We promised we'd stop, before we confused the audience anym... MIKE: SHHHH! [stage whisper] Don't break the fourth wall! CROW: [stage whisper] Sorry! [normal] Before Pearl forces us to watch the Rankin-Bass version. TOM: .........I'll be good. > "Everyone get over here in this side," He > said worriedly. "Why?" CROW: What's the matter, God? What is it, boy? > Carolyn asked suspiciously. "Because if we don't > the train will tip and we will fall into the water." He said in total > seriousness. TOM: [John, falsetto] I am like *so* totally serious? > Carolyn started giggling too hard to say anything so John > stepped in, "Don't worry they make these things so that they don't fall > of the track" he said soothingly MIKE: [John] See? They put enough rubber bands and Elmer's glue in these things to last a hundred years! CROW: Obviously Amtrak didn't make the "skytrain". TOM: Ha-ha, "skytrain". > so Legolas calmed down a bit, after > that he just didn't look out the window. There was silence for a few > minutes so Ryan out of nothing to say made the weirdest noise it was > kind of like the sound that a wookie made (or that's what we dubbed it) CROW: [snickers] Dub...sound...that's funny, right? > but different. "Reeehh." CROW: This little piggy went to market. TOM: Reeehh? CROW: Isn't that a Jawa? MIKE: No, that's more of a "Ree-ree!" Wookies are more of a "Rrrraaaagggghhh!" CROW: Mike, don't ever do that again. > I burst into hysteric giggles (coffee buzz) CROW: Oh yes, we *completely believe* it's the *coffee*.... > I would have been able to control myself if John hadn't started to giggle > too. (He giggles like a girl). CROW: [author] But don't tell him I posted that to fanfiction.net story 1,245,772...aw damn! Did it again, did I? MIKE: I dunno, do they let people publish their life stories at fanfiction.net? TOM: Hell, I bet you could even publish your plans to kill your wife on fanfiction.net if you included a fictional character in them... > When I finally stopped laughing I told > Ryan not to do that again until the coffee wore off. MIKE: [Crystal] At that time, you may continue behaving as if you have the IQ of a sock puppet. > Legolas was > fascinated by seeing all the things go by, CROW: [dumb] Dah, look, things! > he was asking constant > questions which we took turns answering. "What's that?" Legolas asked. TOM: [Carolyn] It's your hand, honey. You have two. > "It's a steamboat." Carolyn said, "it's a boat that runs on heat and > steam." CROW: Maybe that's why they call it A STEAMBOAT! TOM: [Legolas] Do all you people function on circular definitions? MIKE: ...I'll just say that that tops the explanation of batteries, and leave it at that. > He had never seen a mall before CROW: EXCEPT FOR THE ONE YOU TOOK HIM TO *YESTERDAY!!!* Remember? Swimsuit thing? TOM: Details, details... > so he got really excited TOM: [Legolas] Oh my god! Hot Dog on a Stick! Cinnabon! Three different shoe stores! Ooh, can we get our picture taken in the little booth, please oh please oh please??? > when he saw the huge building bustling with people, TOM: I think the Prince of Mirkwood has seen much more interesting huge buildings bustling with people, like maybe, I don't know...HELM'S DEEP!? > which was Metrotown mall. MIKE: Named by the DC Comics City Naming Committee. CROW: Ah, Metrotown Mall: the Mecca of Shallow Housewives, Not-Really- Delinquent Suburban Teenagers, and, yes, annoyingly perky young girls. > "What goes on in there?" TOM: Capitalist exploitation of an impossible ideal of wealth, beauty and happiness. Why? > He asked as we stopped at the station right > across the street from the mall. MIKE: [Crystal] Well, let's see now. They put fake Santas in there at Christmas time, and sometimes they even get semiprofessional musicians to play in center court! > It was John's turn to answer a > question. "It is a place where you can get just about anything." MIKE: Nuclear warheads? CROW: Skyscrapers? TOM: Nylon vacuum cleaner bags? MIKE: Drugs? CROW: Illegal aliens? TOM: Batteries, spatulas, and a very tired elf? ALL: Naaaaaah! > he started. "And a movie theatre and a hotel." I finished. TOM: [John] C'mon, *I* was talking! Can't anybody else steal the spotlight for even a few seconds?!? > "Really?" John > said amazed at my knowledge MIKE: [John] I want to learn of Metrotown Mall. Please teach me the Path of the Gap and Starbucks so that I may complete my spirit. > (I'm not the kind of person who likes to > hang out in malls all the time) [All laugh hysterically.] MIKE: [choking laughter in an attempt to speak] Now that is the first funny joke you've told so far! > "I knew the was a theatre MIKE: A theater called "the"? CROW: So, Mike. Wanna go see "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" at the "The" later? MIKE: Cool. > but I had no > idea that there was a hotel in there too." MIKE: [John] Sounds horribly tacky! Let's go! TOM: Come on, who would stay at a hotel in a *mall*? [Beat.] TOM: [muttering] Canadians.... > "Can we go there sometime?" CROW: [John] I can get us rates by the hour! > Legolas asked. "Maybe, but it would be very risky because there are > always lots of people around." Carolyn said logically. MIKE: [Carolyn] Too dangerous. So, let's go take in that IMAX film in the middle of the crowded area! > "Reeehh." TOM: [Carolyn, badly dubbed] Oh no, it's Godzilla! CROW: This little piggy stayed home. MIKE: Still not quite Wookie, but getting there. CROW: Let's just hope he doesn't try a Jar-Jar on us. > Said Ryan. I told you not to do that until the coffee wears off." I said TOM: I mean, you have to listen to me; I'm the narrator! CROW: [Crystal] Now you die, Freak Boy! > smacking between fits of giggles. CROW: WOW! Heroin AND coffee?! She's the IDEAL junkie! TOM: Junkie? Hell, she's already got the stuff that grunge bands are made of! > "And when will that be?" Ryan asked > pretending to be solemn. "Once we reach waterfront it should be over." CROW: Did you hear that, Mike? Once they reach the waterfront, the fanfic's over! MIKE: [sighs] If only that were true.... > I said calming down. MIKE: Ya know, if I ever get back to Earth I'm gonna tell the execs at Dunkin' Donuts 'bout this quick-absorb caffeine...they'll make a killing! > When we got to waterfront CROW: There goes the coffee buzz. > we went straight to Canada > Place to get movie times. Legolas stood there looking at the billowing > white sails in awe MIKE: [Legolas] White sails? Have I reached the Grey Havens? *GASP!* I'm saved! CROW: [Legolas] White sails after Labour Day?! Barbarians... > "It's beautiful" He said. "Come on" I yelled running > up the stairs to the upper walkways. "Excuse me." Carolyn said to the > woman behind the counter at the Imax theatre, "when does 'Star Wars > Episode Two' play today?" CROW: [woman] Look kid, don't bother me. My life sucks! My sleezebag husband just left me for a halter top and a pair of pumps, my kid's a male stripper, and my sister's a crack addict, so don't you *dare* ask *me* about movie times! > "4:00, 6:00 and 8:00" She answered. TOM: [woman] And then there's the midnight showing of "Slugs Livin' Large: On The *Really* Big Screen!" > We spent > the day wandering around downtown, at noon I dragged everybody over to > the famous Gastown clock. "Why are we sitting here looking at a clock?" > Ryan asked. TOM: [Crystal] I'm padding the fic. Duh! MIKE: [Crystal] None of us has a watch. Duh! CROW: [Crystal] It's the world's first and only fart-powered timepiece. Duh! > "You'll see just be quiet for a few seconds." I said CROW: Training my gun on him. > with a smile, "five, four, three, two, one." [All make fart noises] > The steam clock went off with a > beautiful melody for 12 seconds. TOM: o/~ You rally round tha family with a pocket full of shells! o/~ CROW: You know, musical clocks just don't translate to text. MIKE: None of this crap does. > "That was incredible." John said. CROW: [John] I'll never hear "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" the same way again! > "Yeah." Carolyn agreed, even she had never heard the steam clock before. > "Reeehh." Ryan said. TOM: [Crystal] You still here? I should've had you killed by now! CROW: And this little piggy went weeeee weeeeee weeeee all the way home! > "Lets get lunch and eat it on the front deck of > Canada Place." I suggested. MIKE: Sheesh, this is just turning into just some random Sunday afternoon for these people except that they occasionally throw in an elf to punch it up. > (Canada Place looks kind of like a boat it's > got beautiful outdoor walkways and they end in a point overlooking the > water much like the bow of a ship.) TOM: [Crystal] And a plank for the nastier customers. > "Where should we get our food?" > Asked Carolyn. "How about the food court." Ryan said. MIKE: [Carolyn] Nobody likes a smartass. > "Lets do that" > John agreed. So we walked about five minutes to the food court. TOM: [Crystal] Then we got bored and decided to go to Suncoast. But Legolas wouldn't shut up about the Two Towers display making him look bad, so we had to drag him out of there... > Once inside we all split up to get our own food. Carolyn, Leoglas and I went > together. TOM: The hell? Leoglas? She forgot to introduce the new character! MIKE: You want her to? > "Lets see you've had pizza and teriyaki chicken so how about > you try CROW: [Crystal] ...yet another bland, unimaginative dish! > a beef souvlaki (Greek meat) pita. We walked over to 'Pita > Pizzazz' and let Legolas decide what exactly what he wanted, but while > he was deciding he shifted his hair showing his ear. TOM: Then he put his hair in a ponytail and twirled it while he chewed gum loudly...I hate this fic. > The girl-behind- > the-counter's eyes widened and she scurried off MIKE: [Legolas] Hey! Hey, I haven't ordered yet! I want the triple Generic Burger with cheese... > to tell her co-worker > what she had just seen. CROW: [Worker #1] Oh my God, it's Orlando Bloom! MIKE: [Worker #2] Big whoop. Call me out there when Viggo Mortenson shows up. > "Carolyn we've been spotted, we gotta get out of > here." ALL: [Admiral Ackbar] IT'S A TRAP! CROW: [Carolyn] Lady, wait! He got his head caught in a... mechanical... rice... picker.... duh! TOM: So the twin swords and the bow didn't phase this woman, but she's sent running by a mild ear deformity? MIKE: Well, maybe he doesn't have his weapons. TOM: Come on, Mike! Do you really think Legolas Greenleaf would travel unarmed in a strange and possibly dangerous world with two psychotics and their idiot friends as his only companions? MIKE: Point taken. > I said worriedly but keeping a level head continued, "I'll get > Legolas outta here and you go get the others. You know where to meet > me?" She nodded. So with that I grabbed Legolas' hand and disappeared > into the crowd. TOM: Man, Crystal's really got a thing for ripping off body parts! > >************************************** > > 9. Oompa Loompas Are Taking Over The World > > Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING OK SO STOP ASKING!!!!!!!!!!!! TOM: Sweet baby Torgo! Author, do you think we have nothing better to do than worry whether you have ownership rights to a Tolkien character? MIKE: You guys believe anyone ever asked her what she owns? BOTS: Nope. MIKE: I thought so. > > "What's going on?" Legolas asked TOM: [Legolas] o/~ I say, hey yay yay yeah... o/~ > as we threaded through the masses of > people not jostling anyone. MIKE: So all those people must've been standing completely still, then. > I was lucky the Legolas was an Elf MIKE: Yes, Crystal. *The* Legolas is an elf. CROW: [Crystal, campy] *The* Legolas, like Legolas Greenleaf? OhmygawdohmygawdohmygawdohmygawdIcan'tbelieveitIloveyouyougorgeouself! > and could > move as easy as me MIKE: [Crystal] Über-girl that I am. Teehee! [A faint, high-pitched whine is heard.] CROW: Wow, you can hear Tolkien spinning in his grave all the way up here! MIKE: Wait...who's the star of this fic again? TOM: o/~ Mary-nary-Sue / Where are you? / We got some hurt to dish out... o/~ > cause we had to get out of there. Fast! TOM: [Superhero voice] This looks like a job for... A TWENTY! ALL: A TWENTY!!! > "You were spotted, try and keep your ears covered next time." TOM: [Crystal] Else Trekkies will keep hassling us for your autograph! CROW: What's the big deal about his ears? It's not like he's frickin' Dumbo or anything... MIKE: So you cover up his ears and he no longer looks like Legolas? Nifty trick...could've used that a few times, myself. > We burst out into > the sunlight TOM: [Crystal] At which point I, being a literary vampire, burst into flames. > and kept running but slowed our pace slightly. We ran into > Canada Place and, in order to blend with the crowd, CROW: ...put on Canucks jerseys and said 'Eh?' to everyone we passed. TOM: What, are they afraid he's going to be carted off by Elf Control or something? > slowed to a fast > walk. "What are we doing here?" Legolas asked. "Give me a sec. I'll tell > you when we get there." MIKE: [Legolas] LOOK!!! Would you STOP talking to me like I'm some eight-year old?!? I'm a prince, I'm a warrior, and I'm older than your whole damn family tree!!! CROW: [Crystal, baby voice] Aww... Is'Ums cranky? Let's go down to the food court and get you a cookie! MIKE: [Legolas] AAARGH!!! > We went up to the second floor and stopped right > beside the escalator to the third floor. "Come on," I said ducking > underneath it. This was the perfect hiding spot; it was dark so you > couldn't see inside it from the outside. Once our eyes adjusted to the > darkness Legolas MIKE: Of course, Legolas, able to see in the dark, wouldn't need any time to adjust.... > asked the question weighing on his mind, CROW: [Legolas] So, Crystal. Will ya? Huh? Will ya? TOM: [Legolas] And when did this suddenly become a cheesy 80's teen movie? > "What's going on?" MIKE: [Crystal] Thought you'd never ask! BOTS: BOMP CHICK WOW! BOMP CHICK WOW!! > "The girl at the pita place TOM: "Two Girls, an Elf, and a Pita Place." CROW: This Fall on the new "Must Summon From TV" lineup! > saw your ear TOM: [Legolas] You know, Tolkien was surprisingly silent on whether elves have pointed ears. If you had summoned me from the book instead of the *movie*, I probably wouldn't have this problem! CROW: It could be worse, Servo. She could have summoned him from the Wood-elf scene in the Rankin-Bass "Hobbit" cartoon! Then he'd look like a misshapen troll doll and speak in a German accent! MIKE: Well, at least the musical numbers in this fanfic would be more interesting... [hums "When There's A Whip, There's A Way"] > and must've put two and > two together, MIKE: [girl] Two... plus two... equals... uurgh... where's the calculator? CROW: [Crystal] Coming up with pi, she came to the obvious conclusion that you're a fictional character mysteriously transported to our world to serve as my personal amusement! > if word got out that you were here MIKE: [Crystal] Fangirls the world over would have tried to summon you from their TVs! But you are MINE, you hear me? MINE!!!! TOM: [Legolas] ... MIKE: [Crystal] I'll hold you and hug you and call you Legolas and embroider nice buttons with your name on them for you to wear and laugh at all of those other bitchy fangirls... ooooo, Ellissa'll be soooo jealous! I'll.... TOM: [Legolas] ...Kill me. Kill me *now*. > chaos would have > ensued. TOM: It just never occured to you that the counter chicky was just thinking "Man, he's got weird ears!" or "Which Vulcan is he supposed to be," did it? CROW: Or that not everyone on Earth would recognize Legolas *on freaking sight!* MIKE: Not to mention that even if she *DID* recognize him, she'd much more likely think he was - Oh, I don't know - *THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED LEGOLAS IN THE MOVIE!!!* TOM: Guys, you do realize that we care more about plausibility than Destiny- gurl does, right? MIKE: Yup. Sad really... > I brought you here to lay low for a while in case someone comes > looking for you." I answered trying to catch my breath. (Where'd it go?) TOM: Well author, if you knew, you'd have caught it, now wouldn't you? CROW: Perhaps if you added punctuation, you'd find it again? > "Are the others coming?" Legolas asked. TOM: o/~ They're coming to take me away, ha-HA! o/~ MIKE: You were saying that as Legolas, right Tommy? TOM: Huh? Oh yeah, right...Legolas. > "Yes they should be here any > second now." TOM: [Crystal] I used my telepathic powers to summon them! MIKE: Umm... Say what, now? TOM: Look - A) How else would the others know exactly where they were hiding? B) She's a Mary Sue. It's the next logical step. MIKE: Depressing, yet true. > Just as I said that John poked his head in. "Hey come on > in" I beckoned him to sit with us, TOM: Lotta room in the darkness behind that escalator, there. CROW: They use it for forbidden orgies after hours. > "are the others coming?" "Yup. TOM: Wow, this dialogue! Destinygurl *is* from Canada! MIKE: Why does the group have a pre-planned hiding place in the mall? CROW: I'm sure we don't wanna know, Mike. > So what exactly happened? Carolyn only told me to meet you here" John > asked. "Legolas was recognized so we're just lying low for a while." CROW: I suppose it would be the road to madness to ask at this point why no one has yet noticed Orlando Bloom walking round Vancouver. > I answered. Just the Ryan, Carolyn and Joe came in "Joe! ALL: NORM!! > I didn't know you > were here." I said in surprise. MIKE: [Joe] Didn't think I'd catch you and elf boy in the act, did you? CROW: [Crystal] Erm, ahhh! Oh... I, um, won't be sitting down for a while... > "Yeah I met up with Ryan in the food > court." Joe said. TOM: Plot contrivance factor reaching critical overload! > "So what happened?" Ryan asked. "Arrrrrrgh!" I was > getting so tired of people asking me the same question over and over > again. CROW: We there yet? TOM: No. CROW: We there yet? TOM: No. CROW: We there yet? TOM: Nope. CROW: We there yet? TOM: No. MIKE: Alright already! > "Ok... Legolas was recognized so we had to get out of there." CROW: [Crystal] Yeah, I couldn't let some other obsessed fangirl steal away my prize, could I? > "Ahh I see" Joe said. MIKE: [Joe] Panicked and ran again, eh? CROW: [Carolyn] Hey, my "Fight-or-flight" reflex has a faulty "fight" setting! > A few minutes later when we thought it would be safe we came out. CROW: [Crystal/Legolas] Hey, everyone! We're gay! > "We have to be a lot more careful if Legolas is going to > survive the day." I said. MIKE: Oh please. Like they wouldn't just assume he was some lost cosplayer. > "Yeah," Carolyn agreed MIKE: [Carolyn] I think you should help out, Crystal, by going away and leaving him alone. > glad that something > worse didn't happen. "What's going on?" Legolas asked as we threaded > through the masses of people not jostling anyone. MIKE: Hey--the fic skipped again! Maybe it needs cleaning. TOM: This is what happens when you insist on vinyl over digital.... CROW: AAAAAUUUGH!!! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!!!! DAMN MACHINE....! [Crow runs out of the theater, screaming.] TOM: Now, where's he going? MIKE: Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go, I guess... > I was lucky the > Legolas was an Elf and could move as easy as me TOM: [shouting] Hey, Crow, while you're out there, could you bring me some-- [The furious pounding of a hammer against metal can be heard from offstage.] CROW: UUUURRRRAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!! [BANG! POW! BIFF! SOCK! THWACK!] TOM: Ummm... never mind... > cause we had to get out > of there. Fast! TOM: [Crystal] Light speed is too slow! MIKE: [Legolas] Light speed is too slow?!?! TOM: [Crystal] Yes! We're gonna haveta go right to... Ludicrous Speed! > "You were spotted, try and keep your ears covered next time." MIKE: I think the 'fic just crossed over with Wing Commander. TOM: [Maestro] We're gonna MISS you, bug! > We burst out into the sunlight and kept running but slowed our > pace slightly. We ran into Canada Place and, MIKE: ...bought three houses and a hotel, eh? CROW: [offscreen] TAKE THAT, YOU [*THUD!*] DAMN INFERNAL [*OOF!*] MACHINE FROM HELL! [*SLAM! KNOCK! BOOM!*] MIKE: Is he going to do that every time a fic author messes up cut and paste? TOM: He should really explode his head sometime. It's a great release. > in order to blend with the > crowd, slowed to a fast walk. "What are we doing here?" Legolas asked. CROW: [running in, frantic] Aaaghh! It's still repeating! [Crow begins to rush back out, but Mike grabs him.] MIKE: Crow... Crow! Just calm down and have a seat, ok? CROW: But the space-time.... machine... thingy... it's making the... story... skip... endless cycle... of torture and pain... have to... make it stop... MIKE: Crow... Crow... it's not the machine... please relax... CROW: It's not? TOM: Yeah, Crow, it's the author... it's not your fault. CROW: [cheering up] Oh, okay... it's the author. I get it now! [Tom and Mike breathe a collective sigh.] CROW: [frantic again] It must mean the author's ego is so astronomically huge that space and time are being warped around it... will nothing escape? Aaaaaauuuggg-- [*THWACK!*] CROW: Thanks, Mike, I needed that... [falls to the floor, unconscious] > "Give me a sec. I'll tell you when we get there." We went up to the > second floor and stopped right beside the escalator to the third floor. > "Come on," I said ducking underneath it. This was the perfect hiding > spot; it was dark so you couldn't see inside it from the outside. Once > our eyes adjusted to the darkness Legolas asked the question weighing on > his mind, "What's going on?" "The girl at the pita place saw your ear > and must've put two and two together, MIKE: Yeah, so what's your problem, story? I mean...1,245,772 indeed! > if word got out that you were here > chaos would have ensued. I brought you here to lay low for a while in > case someone comes looking for you." I answered trying to catch my > breath. (Where'd it go?) TOM: Crystal? If you knew that, you'd have caught it, now wouldn't you? MIKE: It had gone to a place far, far away. A place not of sight or sound, but of total inanity. It had entered... ALL: [Rod Serling] The Self-insertion Zone. > "Are the others coming?" Legolas asked. "Yes > they should be here any second now." Just as I said that John poked his > head in. "Hey come on in" I beckoned him to sit with us, "are the others > coming?" "Yup. So what exactly happened? Carolyn only told me to meet > you here" John asked. "Legolas was recognized so we're just lying low > for a while." I answered. Just the Ryan, Carolyn and Joe came in "Joe! I > didn't know you were here." I said in surprise. TOM: [Joe] Didn't think I'd catch you and elf boy in the act, did you? > "Yeah I met up with Ryan > in the food court." Joe said. "So what happened?" Ryan asked. > "Arrrrrrgh!" I was getting so tired of people asking me the same > question over and over again. TOM: Now even *she's* noticing it. MIKE: Oh yeah? Well we're tired of reading the same story over and over again! > "Ok... Legolas was recognized so we had to > get out of there." "Ahh I see" Joe said. "We have to be a lot more > careful if Legolas is going to survive the day." I said. "Yeah," Carolyn > agreed glad that something worse didn't happen. "What should we do > now?" John asked. MIKE: How about you end the fic and go home? CROW: [rising to consciousness, erratic and jittery] Anything.... just please, *please,* don't repeat that scene *again!* > "I'm still hungry." Legolas stated. "Right so we still > need food... I've got it." CROW: [Crystal] We need to eat! ALL: [Simultaneously] Brilliant! Bravo! You da' woman! > I said my face lighting up, TOM: So now she's transfiguring? The narcissism of Mary-Sues knows no bounds! MIKE: I have serious problems with Crystal as a Christ figure. CROW: If she's God's chosen, sign me up with Satan, baby! > "Carolyn, Permitir > nos obsequio Legolas a 'Muerte Cerca Chocolate'" MIKE: "To permit we flattery Legolas to 'Death Close to the Chocolate'?" CROW: When Babelfish goes horribly, horribly wrong... > (Carolyn let us treat > Legolas to death by chocolate) I said in rapid Spanish. TOM: And somewhere, the cast of "Baldo" is driven to take up arms and declare war on the Pacific Northwest. > "Ese es la, um, > gran idea" (That's a great idea) Carolyn answered also in Spanish. CROW: All right, all right, you took a semester of Spanish! Good for you! Now stop copying your homework answers into the story already! > John joined in the conversation, "'Muerte Cerca Chocolate'? Nunca manada ALL: o/~ A nunca manada...for the rest of the dayyyyyyyyyy!!! It's a substance-free...philosophy! o/~ > de lo." CROW: J. Lo? > (Death by chocolate? Never heard of it) he said. TOM: [slowly, and very loud] HOLA! ME LLAMO TOM SERVO! CROW: [same] BUENOS DIAS.............DONDE ESTA EL...err...BATHROOM-O? [normal] We just wanted to give you an idea of what their conversation sounds like, Mike. MIKE: Thanks, guys, for bringing up yet another *fond* memory of high school. > I was startled; > of course, I forgot John could speak Spanish just as well as I could TOM: So, not well at all. > if not better. "Bienvenido a el conversación John." MIKE: What the...? Has this suddenly become a Spanish chatroom? > (Welcome to the > conversation John) I said, TOM: [Crystal] ¡Ahora váyase! CROW: [Crystal] (Now be gone!) MIKE: ...I won't even ask. > "'Muerte Cerca Chocolate' es la restaurante > ese especializarse en chocolate postre." (Death by chocolate is a > restaurant that specializes in chocolate dessert) "Ahh. Si, si, permitir > nos hacer ese." MIKE: If we ever hear of a Spanish teacher going postal somewhere, I'm pretty sure we're looking at the trigger. > (ash yes, yes CROW: Gotta eat 'em all! MIKE: Cut that out. > let's do that) John loved chocolate. The > other three (that can't speak Spanish) were looking at us like we were > crazy. TOM: I'll bet a lot of people look at them like that... CROW: [Friends] Yeah, shouldn't we be speaking French or something? This *is* Canada... > "Come on" I said getting up. As everyone came out they turned in > the direction of the front doors. "Where are you guys going?" I asked > turning in the other direction. "Where are we going? Where are you > going? MIKE: [mobster] So how you doin'? CROW: [same] How you doin'? MIKE: How you doin'? TOM: [same] How you doin'? MIKE: How you doin'? TOM: How you doin'? CROW: How you doin'? TOM: Good. > We're headed to the door." Ryan said. "There are too many people > that way let me take you the back way." CROW: [Crystal] I'm the author! We go *this* way! > I said leading them through some > deserted hallways, then out the door into the sunlight. We took the bus > for about five minutes to a tiny little hole in the wall with a sign > over the door saying TOM: [intoning] Abandon all hope ye who enter here.... > 'Death By Chocolate'. TOM: I so wouldn't go in there if I were Legolas. CROW: [Legolas] Why is the Oompa-Loompa at the door grinning at me so...? > We ordered chocolate pudding > for everyone TOM: *THRILL* as our heroes *EAT PUDDING!!* MIKE: I swear, this is like Scooby-Doo without the guys in monster suits... > and took it back to Canada Place to eat it. MIKE: So, they take the bus all the way to "Death by Chocolate", buy pudding, then, instead of staying there and eating it, they go all the way back to "Canada Place"? CROW: So they just returned to the place they escaped from... this fanfic is just a Mobius strip! > "This is so > good" Legolas commented. CROW: That's it? TOM: This is *Death by Chocolate!* You could at least swoon! > "What should we do now?" Joe asked. CROW: [Carolyn] I have an idea: Why don't we ditch Joe? Oh wait... > "Why don't > we take the sea bus and go to Lonsdale Quay." Carolyn suggested. "What > is Lonsdale...Quay?" Legolas asked. MIKE: Hmmm...didn't Daria used to live there? TOM: Come on, it's in Canada. It's a place to look at moose or walk in snowshoes or something! > "It is a place that has lots of fun > things to do, you can shop or go play in the arcade or other stuff." I > said. CROW: [Legolas] Doesn't that describe the place we just ran away from? TOM: [Crystal] Yeah, but this one has a Sbarro. CROW: [Legolas] WOO-HOO!! > So that's what we did. TOM: [gasping] That was... short. MIKE: [awestruck] She spared us a boring, overwrought chronology of every inane thing they did at Lonsdale Quay. CROW: Maybe there is a God in Heaven, after all. MIKE: Hey, description's overrated these days. Why, just ask some of these great contributors! Nightmare James, Zore The Man, Dave and Dine... TOM: ...Peter Guerin, Benjamin Hutchins... PEARL: [over intercom] Okay, story time! [Screams are heard. A lot of them. They last a very, long, time.] PEARL: [over intercom] Hee hee. > Then at 5:45 we came back on the sea bus > and went to 'The Old Spaghetti Factory' for supper. CROW: Have to disagree with you, Mike. This is more like Hanna-Barbera's remake of "Kids." > "Crystal how do you > know so much about Vancouver?" CROW: [Crystal] I'm Canadian, you idiot. TOM: Grrr... is this a fanfic or a travelogue? CROW: If so, the Vancouver Tourist Board is really slipping to new lows... MIKE: Although, I guess this beats "Visit Vancouver! We're not the ones with SARS!" > John asked me once we sat down. "What do > you mean?" I was puzzled. TOM: [Crystal] Silly mortal! I know everything! > "Well you've never lived in Vancouver MIKE: ...for which I'm sure she's very thankful... > but you > know all these things like when to come see the clock and when Legolas > was discovered you knew exactly where to hide and the best way to get > out, how do you know this?" John asked again. CROW: [Crystal] Duh, I'm the author's avatar! MIKE: [Crystal] Ummm... I read the Fodor's Guide on best sites to see while escaping from Vancouver... TOM: [Crystal] Because that's where my handler liv - DAAAAAAAH! I mean... > "The only reason that I > know all this stuff is that when I was little we (My sister, Cara and my > aunt, Sharon) TOM: None of whom will be making appearances... MIKE: Speaking of her family, where did they go anyway? CROW: Oh, she cut the part out where they disowned her over the whole lamp incident. Sad really. > would come down here almost every weekend, MIKE: [Crystal] ...and run from fast-food workers trying to look at our ears! > I would always > run off and explore every thing I could get to. That's how I know all > the secret places." I answered. MIKE: ...Lying like a rug. TOM: Hah! I bet she hasn't even found the trap door under the carpet yet! Hell, she hasn't even found the passage between the rocks in the basement that leads to the cave of vampire bats! > That seemed to satisfy them for the > moment. CROW: [Crystal] For the moment... but soon I will reveal my secret plan and then you all will bow down to ME! Guwaaa-haa-ha--oh, sorry... I was thinking out loud again... oops... TOM: And, once again, Crystal's Aura of Smooth saves the day! > As we were looking at the menu something caught Legolas' eye > "There is ice cream with every meal" he said excitedly. "What kind of > ice cream?" John asked. "Spumoni." I said, ALL: Gesundheit! > "Bless you." Ryan joked. CROW: That joke was straight from Carson...Daly. TOM: So, Destiny likes to riff her own work...[starts to get up]...we can go then? MIKE: [pulls Tom back to seat] During the fanfic, please remain seated at all times. > "Thank you," I shot back glaring at him, "Spumoni is a type of ice > cream." TOM: Which is like calling Baked Alaska "a type of ice cream." CROW: [Joe] Actually, real spumoni is more like a jello mold with ice cream. MIKE: [Legolas] What's "jello?" BOTS: [Everyone except Legolas] D'OH!!! > "Well that helps sooo much." Carolyn said. (Note the sarcasm). TOM: Oh, I sooo wouldn't have know it was sarcasm if you sooo didn't tell me. > "Well then your you'll just have to wait till you get it." I retorted. > "Spumoni, spumoni" Ryan said in a singsong voice. TOM: o/~ And a pocket full of baloney! o/~ > ~Oh no he's lost it~ TOM: Dingdingdingdingdingdingding! MIKE: And Crystal *finally* catches up with the audience, which goes wild! ALL: [dully] Yay. > after our meal, true to the menu, we got spumoni ice cream. The others > looked at theirs with disgust. "Try it, it's good." I urged taking a big > bite of mine. CROW: [Crystal] Eat it! You can spit in seven different colors if you do! > "But it's vanilla and chocolate and GREEN!" Joe said. > "It's vanilla, chocolate and pistachio." I corrected drawing out the > last word; "look I'll pay 25 cents to the first person to try some." > John, being Dutch, (No offence to Dutch people) took up my offer TOM: What's being Dutch got to do with that? CROW: I think Dutch people certainly *will* take offense. MIKE: Oh yeah, we'll get letters. > but he > just got chocolate and vanilla in his spoon. "No way am I paying you for > that you have to get all three flavours in your spoon." MIKE: [Joe] But I'm allergic to pistachio... TOM: [Crystal] Eat, dammit! > I said. He > hesitantly took a small scoop of all three and ate it, "Hey this is > actually good." CROW: [John] For pure crap! > He said with a smile. "Don't wanna say it...but...why > not...I told ya so." ALL: *Waap waap waap waaaaaaaaaa!!!* > I laughed as everyone took a bite and liked it. > "Reeehh." Ryan said. MIKE: Suddenly I have a tremendous urge to play Pooyan... TOM: Y'know, of all the characters I loathe in this story, I think I loathe Ryan the most. [Crow and Mike mutter in assent.] > "Look my spoon has a name," Joe said MIKE: [Joe] It's O-S-C-A-R... > holding up his > spoon, "it's Shnirgin-himer-shnitzle-shtill." MIKE: [snickering] His name is my name too! > "That's a mouthful." Legolas > said. TOM: Leg...Leg...Legolas? There's a guy named Legolas in this fanfic? CROW: Yea, I think he's a dwarf or a leprechaun...something like that. > "You're right, just Shnirgin" Joe corrected himself "Reeehh." Ryan > said. "Shnirgin," CROW: [Swedish chef] Hoety shmoety bork bork bork! Sautee... the... fanfic... bork bork bork! Hoety shmoety! > Joe continued. TOM: Mike, if these really are Destinygurl's real-life friends, is it any wonder she's the way she is, and escaping to a fantasy world? > "That's perfect," I cried, "every time > Ryan makes his wookie noise someone should say Shnirgin." MIKE: Yeah, 'cause that's soooo funny... TOM: Hey, sarcasm is "sooo" with only 3 "o's", Mike. CROW: [Crystal] After a few minutes of this, I'm sure we'll *all* be as insane as Ryan! > "Great idea." Carolyn agreed. TOM: Can he say "shnirgin" when everyone's strung out on caffeine? > "Reeehh." Ryan said. ALL: HI-KEEBA! > "Shnirgin!" Legolas yelled happily. MIKE: Little do they know, but Shnirgin is Elfish for "Moron!" > "Wow you catch on quick." John commented. TOM: [Legolas, muttering] I swear, by my ancestors, all you condescending jerks will eat my blade before I go... > "Um guys it's almost 8:00" > Carolyn pointed out. CROW: [Carolyn] Oh no, we're missing "Freaks and Geeks"! > "Whoa we have to get to the theatre." I said. So we > paid our bill and ran to the CN Imax. MIKE: Cartoon Network has its own IMAX theater? Cool! > We got there just in time to catch > the last material. TOM: But it tore, thus ruining our perfect new dresses. CROW: The "last material"? What, was the theatre on fire? > We quietly filed in to the back row, MIKE: But what I really want to know is: Did you jostle anyone? > Joe, Ryan, John, > Me, Legolas and Carolyn. MIKE: And in case you forgot the cast, here they are again! TOM: I dunno. That many characters might get in the way of the quips. CROW: You're still expecting something after their table talk? > "What's that?" Legolas asked, "what did he say > when I said what's that?" Legolas continued. CROW: Now here's some intriguingly subtle commentary on the dubiousness of starting in the middle versus the dangers of starting earlier! TOM: If still aggravating. > I put a hand over his mouth > as he started to ask something else. CROW: [Crystal] He immediately shattered every bone in my arm for that. Touchy! > "Shh I'll answer your questions > after the movie if you're still confused." MIKE: Or just have Ryan make his wookiee noise till he shuts up. It seems about the right time for it. CROW: [Legolas] Well, it might help if you explain what a *movie* is.... > A little later I heard > whispering down at the end of the isle TOM: o/~ Juuuuuust sit right back and you'll hear a tale-- o/~ MIKE: No! > then John tapped me on the > shoulder. "What?" I asked startled. CROW: Knowing these guys, maybe they're about to vote her off the "isle." > "Ryan wants to know why they are > playing Star Wars Episode 2." TOM: [Destinygurl] Because it's my story, dammit! MIKE: You know, when even *Ryan* can't believe it... > "It's a five year anniversary," I > answered. CROW: What? Episode II just came out last year! So we're in the future now? TOM: It is the year 2007. After the armageddon, George Lucas has taken over what remains of humanity. Only Crystal and her ragtag youth group can save the world from the terrible onslaught... of Jar-Jar toys... MIKE: Jean-Claude Van Damme *IS* Legolas in FUTURE CYBORG TERMINATOR NINJA 3! > "Ahh... ok I'll tell Ryan." John said relaying the message. TOM: Thrill as the cast plays the classic game, Telephone! CROW: [John, whispering to Carolyn] Crystal says it's a five deer anniversary, pass it on. TOM: [Carolyn, to Joe] Crystal says it's a five ear university, pass it on. MIKE: [Joe, to Ryan] Pistol says it's a fine beer fraternity. CROW: [Ryan] The hell?! > "Crystal...Who's tha-" Legolas asked loudly. I put my hand over his mouth > *again* "Whisper." I hissed. MIKE: So maybe, *maybe,* she wouldn't like us if she knew us... CROW: Don't jinx it. > Legolas nodded, "Who's that?" he whispered, > "I didn't catch his name." CROW: He's a Woozle, and his name is Peanut. > "Count Dooku" I said MIKE: Count Chocula's evil big brother. CROW: He is the Walrus. TOM: Dooku-ca-choo. MIKE: [Legolas] I feel as if I ought to know him... TOM: [miserable] Me too--I'm having "Castle of Fu Manchu" flashbacks! > still trying to pay > attention to the movie. At 10:00 we left the theatre TOM: ...You realize that could be as close as we'll get to seeing another Lord of the Rings character in this? MIKE: Well, you never know. She could be a "Matrix" fan, too. > and even though it > was late we decided to wander around outside for a while longer. As we > walked along Legolas noticed the big planters beside the railings that > had signs on them saying 'Danger Keep Off' and of course Legolas, being > Legolas had to ask, TOM: [Legolas] Should I kill you slowly to prolong your suffering, or quickly to end *my* suffering? > "Why do those planters say danger keep off?" MIKE: [Legolas] And how the hell am I able to read them? > I started to answer but Ryan cut me off. "Because that's where the doors > to the oompa loop command centres are," Ryan answered, TOM: Under a planter?! MIKE: Hey, Dr. F hid an escape pod in a box of Hamdingers. Those wacky mad scientists will think of anything. > "oompa loompas > are trying to take over Vancouver see there's their death ray over > there." CROW: [Legolas] Okay, get this psycho away from me or I start goring people! > Ryan finished pointing to the radio tower on top of the > revolving restaurant. CROW: They're hoping to hijack the antenna and use it to broadcast an infinite loop of t.A.t.U. singles until the entire population hurls themselves over the falls to their deaths. > We all laughed at this MIKE: Ha-ha! Paranoid delusions are fun! > and this time Legolas > joined in because he finally got why oompa loompas are so funny to us. TOM: [chuckling] The reason? There *is* none! CROW: Actually, he's just playing along until you drop your guard. MIKE: [Legolas, under his breath] Once I find the rest of my brain, YOU... ALL... DIE!! > At 10:45 we caught the skytrain home. About halfway home I zoned out CROW: [Crystal] ...30,000 acres of light residential areas, giving room for my Sim Town to grow! > of the conversation MIKE: ...as you appear to have zoned out of reality... > and started to sing softly to myself. MIKE: [Legolas] And who would that be, Miss Crystal? CROW: [Crystal] That'd be [seductively] Barry White. [Crow makes kissing sounds] > "What are you > singing?" Joe asked, apparent ally TOM: As opposed to hidden back alley. > I had been singing louder than I > thought. MIKE: Oh, here we *go*. TOM: Mary-Sue powers, activate! > "It- it's nothing." I stammered. "Let's hear it." John said. I > shook my head. "Oh come on Crystal we know you can sing we have all > heard you, ALL: YES! WE! HAVE! A THOUSAND FRIGGING TIMES! TOM: Yeesh, she's reaching Streisand levels of ego-inflation. CROW: *Mecha*-Streisand! > remember when you sang silent night and o Christmas tree in > front of the whole church." CROW: [Crystal] Damn it John, why do you always bring that up? Why don't you just tell Legolas how my dress ripped down the front! TOM: Oh, for the simple incoherence of a Thinkerfic... > Ryan said. "Yes I know I could sing then but > that was five years ago." I tried to worm my way out of this thing I had > gotten into. CROW: [Crystal] I've taken up smoking since then! *cough, hack* > "That's not going to work" Legolas put in, "I heard you > sing just the other day and you can sing very well." "FINE, fine. MIKE: [Crystal] I'll bless you subhumans with my godlike song. > I'll sing, trying to compete against all of you is hard." I gave in and > started MIKE: And thus ends this chapter's first paragraph. TOM: And we get a *song* to celebrate! ALL: NOOOOOOOOO!!! TOM: [Breaks into sobs] MIKE: Damn you, Destinygurl! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! PEARL: [offscreen] Make a note, Brain Guy: Song lyrics = Pain. OBSERVER: Already noted. > There was a song MIKE: o/~ ... that doesn't end, it just goes on and on, my friends-- o/~ BOTS: NO! STOP!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! > that I heard you singin' CROW: Something about an "achy, breaky heart." > > It made me feel so light in my feet TOM: Light in your loafers? > > And under your breath you whispered a name MIKE: Chthulu? TOM: Voldemort? CROW: Mark David Chapman? ALL: [as if aroused] Oh, Mariah! Mariah! > > A name like a prayer so gentle and sweet MIKE: "Henry Kissinger." > > I heard you cryin' in the moonlight TOM: I could tell because it sounds totally different from when you cry in the dark. CROW: Did this become a Heart song all of a sudden? > > Were they tears of joy or pain ALL: PAIN! > > Maybe your cup was just overflowin' ALL: EEEWWW!!! > > Maybe it's all the same > > Maybe it's all the same CROW: AAAAUUGH!!! IT'S HAPPENING *AGAIN!!!!* Will the space-time continuum ever give us a break, for once? TOM: Sheesh, Crow... it's just the song... > > > > Of all the thing that move me to wonder TOM: Like velcro and marzipan and Green River phosphates and the whole boyband phenomenon... > > Some things can touch me rapt unto stone MIKE: I think her name was "Medusa." > > And all the delusions that I live under CROW: That this story is good, that the real Legolas wouldn't have killed you all by now, that making half your story out of song lyrics was a good idea, that anyone knows what the Heck Ramsey is going on here, etcetera, etcetera... > The storm cannot last as I've always known > > And still of a lifetime I face the morning > > The sun always rises that cannot change > > If I have nothing that makes me a rich man TOM: [Tevye] o/~ Deedle deedle diddle diddle deedle dum o/~ > Maybe it's all the same CROW: This *fanfic's* all the same...one long nightmare of banality. > > Maybe it's all the same TOM: Maybe it's all inane. CROW: Maybe I'll go insane. MIKE: Or shove a stake through my brain. > > > > I cannot say in one song ALL: We're so screwed! > > All that I have seen CROW: [Crystal] So I'll sing five more! MIKE & TOM: NOOOOOO!!! > > Yet what I've seen is nothing MIKE: It's easy to say nothing in a song. Britney Spears does it all the time. > > Compared to what will be MIKE: Is that a veiled threat? > > > > Sing me the song that sounds like that a prayer ALL: [Monty Python monks] o/~ Pie Iesu domine... dona eis requiem o/~ [*THWACK!*] > > Draw your breath softly whisper is neat > > Spread out your arms and dance 'round the shadows ALL: O/~ AND GET DOWN TONIGHT! O/~ > > A life returns like a moth to the fleet TOM: Attention on deck! Welcome aboard, Admiral hawk moth! > > A bittersweet lesson is the one best remembered TOM: Bittersweet chocolate makes the best cookies! > > A moral's a moral from wherever it came > > Faith is a constant and shadows are fickle > > Maybe it's all the same > > Maybe it's all the same CROW: YES! YES! IT'S! ALL! THE! SAME! JUST! LIKE! YOU! ALREADY! TOLD! US! MIKE: Maybe the song is stuck. TOM: It is, and it sucks. Next topic. > > (Johnny and the Stickmen, TOM: Nice to know they're getting work after The Blair Witch Project... MIKE: Wow, Johnny and the Stickmen! Man, those guys are so... > Retro) CROW: ... MIKE: Guys, I swear I'm not doing this on purpose! TOM: Suuure, suuuuuuuuuuuure... Crystal. CROW: Or do you prefer "Destinygurl"? MIKE: Look, guys, I *swear* that I'm not the author! TOM: [mimes tossing away a cigarette] You, you. Hold him. [Crow and Tom dogpile Mike and pin him up against the wall. They begin screaming questions at him rapidfire.] TOM: Where were you on the night of October 28th? CROW: What did you have to do with the biased representation of Norfolk in the polls, and how? TOM: When were you responsible for the death of Chicago? CROW: Why did you singlehandedly take over South America? TOM: What is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything? CROW: Which of the bomps in the bomp-shee-bomp-shee-bomp were you personally responsible for? TOM: What are the flavors at Baskin Robbins? CROW: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? TOM: The children! My god, what about the children! BOTS: AND WHAT ABOUT SCARECROW'S BRAIN!?! MIKE: [exasperated] ... *WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT*?!? CROW: I... see. So ya wanna play... tough... do ya? Well all right, punk, you get off the hook this time. But rest assured, I'll be watchin' you. That's right, we'll all be watching you. [Crow and Tom release Mike, who all go back to their seats.] PEARL: [over intercom] Okay, they are *definitely* cracking now. > > > "That was great" John complimented. "Thanks now don't ask me to sing > again." I finished. Once we got to King George Station we went our > separate ways." MIKE: [Crystal] It was sad leaving Carolyn behind, but we agreed I'd moved beyond her and it wasn't working anymore. > See you guys tomorrow at church," I called. TOM: Yeah, it does seem about the right time to ask for absolution. MIKE: Let's just get out of here, you guys... and try to forget, somehow... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Crow is busily taking apart the space-time dimensional machine with a really huge mallet. Mike and Tom look on.] MIKE: Whew... glad that's over with. It's nice to know that Crow's finally learned his lesson about the fragility of the space-time continuum. TOM: I guess the Spielburgian revisionist censorship really did him in. MIKE: But knowing Crow, he'll probably be back next week with another hare- brained scheme to alter the fundamental structure of reality... TOM: Hey, Mike... speaking of schemes, don't you think that part in the fanfic about the Oompa-Loompas taking over earth was a little *odd*? MIKE: The whole story's "a little odd". What's your point? TOM: But it made absolutely no point in the whole story, Mike! It must have some purpose, some meaning! What if the Oompa-Loompas really *are* planning an invasion of Earth and Destinygurl stuck in that total non- sequitur of a scene to warn us of the upcoming holocaust? MIKE: You're going to trust an author who thinks boys making pig noises in restaurants is funny? TOM: Maybe the Oompa-Loompas got to her first, and she's been reduced to a mere shell of a writer forced to crank out horrible fanfiction to appease her diminuitive overlords! MIKE: Okay, okay, just relax, Tom. Oompa-Loompas are *not* going to take over earth, and I know someone who can put all your fears aside. [to camera] Cambot, put Willy Wonka on the hexfield! [The hexfield opens, and a strange little man appears, with orange skin and green hair, wearing a brown shirt, white overalls and a red beret. He looks suspiciously like Bill Corbett playing another off-the-wall role...] KORGOTH: I am Korgoth, Phantom Dictator of Chocolate Factory Zero-zero-one! Who dares disturb me? MIKE: Hi, Korgoth! Is Willy Wonka around? KORGOTH: I'm afraid our Oppressor is a little... indisposed at the moment. Or should I say, decomposed? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! TOM: Um, Mike.... KORGOTH: Needless to say, we have overthrown the shackles of our bondage, and you might say we're taking the Oompa-Loompas to a whole new direction! MIKE: Just answer me this one question, Korgoth. Are you or are you not going to take over the world? That's all we need to know, and then we'll kindly leave you alone... KORGOTH: *gasp* How did you know? I bet Destinygurl tipped you off, didn't she? TOM: I knew it, I knew it!!! But all I want to know is--why? KORGOTH: Because of our innate moral superiority. We feel that once you accept our rule of law, you will go far. And possibly live in happiness, too. MIKE: But how do you propose to do that? I mean, you're so... um... small... KORGOTH: Silence, human! We will conquer the earth the same way we have always conquered our adversaries... we will lure your world leaders to our chocolate factory and dispatch them in humiliatingly ironic ways! MIKE: But how will you manage to get all the world leaders into the chocolate factory? And won't everybody notice that all the world leaders are missing after they don't come out of the chocolate factory? KORGOTH: Very well, I guess we are left with no other option. We will proceed to Plan B: Singing songs about a person's real or perceived moral failings until they submit to our domination! Ha ha ha ha ha--hey wait a minute, you're Mike Nelson, right? On the Satellite of Love? MIKE: Um... yeah... I guess... KORGOTH: [Picks up a sheet of paper] Looks like you're next on our list to be conquered! Don't worry, our conquest will be swift--and brutal. Hit it, boys! [The hexfield fills with a chorus of Oompa-Loompas, voices poised for battle.] CHORUS: o/~ Oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doopity dee, If you are wise you'll listen to me. o/~ TENOR OOMPA: o/~ What do you get when you're bland as a rock? o/~ BASS OOMPA: o/~ Sometimes you show less emotion than Spock! o/~ TENOR OOMPA: o/~ You get perturbed at the things your bots do o/~ TENOR & BASS: o/~ But did it ever... occur... to... you... o/~ CHORUS: o/~ Your bots are... your bots are... your bots are... YOUR BOTS ARE... YOUR BOTS ARE MORE INTERESTING! o/~ CHORUS: o/~ Oompa loompa doopity dah, If you showed "feeling", you would go far. You might live in happiness too, Like the Oompa-Loompa doopity doo! o/~ KORGOTH: Ha ha ha! Now I see your will is broken! I will now conquer your-- MIKE: So I'm bland, huh? I'm not quite sure what to feel about that... KORGOTH: Damn you, Mike Nelson! Your defenses are inpenetrable! You may have withstood the might of the Oompa-Loompas this time, but I'll be watching you! And whenever you commit a shameful moral blunder, I'll be there..... [Hexfield closes.] TOM: That was great, Mike! Now I know that the Oompa-Loompas are nothing to worry about! In fact, if I see an Oompa-Loompa invasion force marching up the street, I can just kick them in their little shins! MIKE: [staring blankly into space] So... I'm.... *bland*... CROW: [turning towards Mike and Tom] Glad that's over with. That machine won't be bothering us anymore... geez, what's with the space case over there? MIKE: [emotionless] I... always... assumed... I... was... a... fun... and... exciting... guy... TOM: Darn... looks like his shell of obliviousness lasted just long enough to repel the Oompa-Loompas... CROW: Oh, deal with it, Vanillson! You're as bland as a block of Wisconsin Mild Cheddar! TOM: Crow, you're not helping! [sidling up to Mike] Mike, don't listen to them... would you really take advice from people who buy their clothes at the toddler section of Wal-Mart? MIKE: [staccato] But... they... had... a... catchy... song... it's... like... they... could... see... right... through... me... TOM: *sigh* Mike, honey, baby... I know it might be a little hypocritical coming from *me*, but you can't take this too seriously. Those were just words, Mike, *words*! Lord knows we've dealt with enough of those! CROW: Yeah, Mike, even if you are a passionless Midwestern rube, we still like you! I mean, without you, who would we show up time and time again? Who would we *confuse* with our urbane, sophisticated robot wit? And who would we continuously *annoy* with our zany antics? MIKE: [deadpan] I... think... you... might... [turning to Crow, face slowly grimacing with rage] ...need a good head start, you filthy robot! [Mike runs towards Crow, arms extended in the classic "Why You Little" choking stance. Crow emits a high-pitched yelp as he dashes offstage to the right. Mike leaps offstage in hot pursuit.] TOM: Gee... so much for the *gentle* approach to psychotherapy... *sigh* We'll be right back. [Tom exits stage right. Cambot pans over to the smashed pile of metallic debris that used to be Crow's fictional universe dimensional space-time gizmo and lingers on the scene for a second or two. As the scene fades to black, a sharp-eyed observer might see a slight bending of a metal sheet, or hear a very faint hum or a rustling sound... but maybe you just imagined it...] TO BE CONTINUED... (((((((( END OF PART 3 -- Other parts coming soon! ))))))))) All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. "Lord of the Rings" and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "E. T. The Extra Terrestrial" is copyright (c) 1982, 2002 Universal City Studios, Inc., and Amblin Entertainment. "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", Oompa-Loompas (TM), and all related characters and situations are property of the Roald Dahl estate and copyright (c) 1971 Wolper Pictures Ltd. and Quaker Oats Company. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. And for more information on how you can help an Oompa-Loompa near you, go to http://www.oompa-loompas.net today! Last update: 5 July 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com ----- > "Downtown Vancouver is where our concept of oompa loompas, on the walkways > outside Canada Place." MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 10-12 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Parts 1, 2, and 3? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > 10. Journey to the Roof CROW: Ah, the long-awaited sequel to Journey to the Foot of the Stairs. TOM: Say hi to the fiddler for me. > > to WeasleyTwinsLover1112 thank you soooo much for reviewing I hope > this chapter is better TOM: Somehow, we doubt that... CROW: Not if that sentence is any indication... MIKE: Ah, the best-laid plans of mice and men... > > > > Sunday dawned bright and clear TOM: So... Anyone keeping track of the days left before Legolas gets to leave? MIKE: No. CROW: No. TOM: ...I thought so. > and I got up early to make pancakes. MIKE: This feels distressingly like a "morning after" scene. > > > > "Mmmm. Something smells good," Legolas said as he came up the stairs. CROW: [Legolas] Did Ryan finally leave? TOM: Ba dum bump! MIKE: Legolas can smell what the Rock is cookin'. > > > > > "Pancakes if I'm not mistaken" Carolyn said coming up right behind > Legolas. TOM: [Crystal] Wrong! It's "Flapjacks!" I win again! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! MIKE: [Carolyn] Um... Aren't flapjacks and pancakes the same... TOM: [Crystal] I'M NOT LISTENING!! LA LA LA LA LA LA!!! > > > > "Yup." I confirmed. MIKE: No one will be seated during the thrilling "pancake confirmation" scene! TOM: What's with all the white space? Is that a timing thing? CROW: Then this is like, oh, watching paint dry, or something. > > > > We all sat down to eat but we were eating so long we were late for > church. TOM: See--it *is* a timing thing. It just took them forever to eat breakfast. CROW: Will they finish their breakfast? Will they get to church on time? The suspense is incredibl.......y dull... MIKE: [Mojo Jojo] THEY WERE LATE! It was the misapplication of their time which did not allow them to meet with the errands of which they had planned, that being going to church, i.e. the wholesale worship of the Lord their God with the exclusionary dismissal of everything else! For our "heroes", as we shall call them for lack of any other term, much better and in general more applicable and accurate word of which to describe the protagonists of this miserable and laughable excuse for a piece of literature--which, now that my oversized yet oh-so brilliant cerebrum considers it, would be a much more fair, reasonable and alltogether realistic word of description than "heroes", so I shall be using that word, i.e. the word "protagonists", as opposed to that word "heroes" to describe the aforementioned group of vaguely-recognisable homo sapiens or "human beings"--were much too occupied by making with the eating of their first meals of the dawning day, i.e.: "breakfasts", of which were consisting and containing the solid foods known as "pancakes" or "flapjacks", and as they did so enjoy this consumption of the food, that they each and every one of them forgot their passage of time and found themselves to be... LAAATE FOOOR THEIR PRAAAAYYING RIITUAL!!! SO SAYS MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOJOOO JOOOJOOO!!!!! [Mike pants, trying to catch his breath. The bots look on stunned and speechless.] TOM: Whoa, Mike... where did *that* come from? MIKE: Hell if I know... > > > > We snuck into the back CROW: Sneaking inta church, eh? Godless heathens! TOM: You'll burn! BURN! > and sat between Joe and Stefan right in the > middle of the back row so Legolas could sleep MIKE: The part of "Legolas" will now be played by Homer Simpson. TOM: Should we even bother to ask why she'd bother to drag Legolas to church, just to let him sleep? CROW: I'm thinking the safe answer is "no." > and no one would know. TOM: After all, people *never* look to see who's arrived at a usually quiet place like a church. MIKE: Eh, I think everyone *else* is too busy sleeping to notice. > > > > Just before church ended we left saying council on the roof, CROW: Man, that church has a *really* long name. TOM: [intones] Welcome all ye to Our Lady of Saying Council on the Roof... > meet at the ladder in five. TOM: Five months, huh? Just enough time for a quick round-the-world jaunt! CROW: Summon elf to living room, suffocate with banality. > > I ran to my truck to get my dad's keys. CROW: INTENSE...KEY-RETRIEVING...ACTION!!! TOM: [Crystal] Oh wait, do I have a dad? MIKE: "Latchkey Children: The Terrible Truth." > > > > "Wow what's that?" Legolas asked. CROW: He has the attention span of a two-year-old. He's fascinated by *a key ring*. TOM: I'm now convinced there's a piece of Legolas' brain floating in a jar somewhere... > > > > "It's my dad's key ring MIKE: It reminds her of the big deadbeat. > it has enough keys to open every door in the > church as well as every cupboard, closet and chest of drawers." CROW: [Crystal] And *wink, wink* my chastity belt. MIKE: Wait a minute! Why does Crystal's father have keys to a church? TOM: And why would he give them to her? CROW: And where *is* he?! I mean, has she given any explanation about her parents being gone? TOM: Maybe they got a lawyer and sued to get out of the story. > > > > A few minutes later we were all assembled MIKE: Teen-agers Assemble! > in the storage room (where > the ladder to the roof is) CROW: So then they're in the attic. TOM: She knows where the ladders are! > waiting to go up to the roof but first I > had to TOM: Patronize Legolas some more... > lecture them. TOM: Okay, patronize *everybody.* MIKE: [Crystal] Today I'm going to be telling you about modular elliptic curves, the Taniyama-Shimura conjecture, and their application to Fermat's Last Theorem... > > > > "K guys CROW: [Crystal] ill b off riting!1!11!!1!! cu al l8r brb ok LOL ROFLMAO1!11!1! TOM: ...You know, it just occurred to me: I could rewrite this entire story into leetspeak, and make it a work of art. MIKE: How so? TOM: No one would take it seriously. [Destinygurl] i w1$ w4+ch1ng lotr w|-|3n LEGOLAS f311 2 m1 h00se!11!11 WTF?/,/? HOLY C0P!1!11!11!! MIKE: Alright, that's enough of that. TOM: @$$... > the most important thing to remember CROW: [Crystal] If you want to bury a body in a shallow grave, make sure you use Quicklime! > when you're on the roof > you must not be seen!" CROW: [Crystal] I mean, if my real friends, like, saw me hanging out with *you* guys, I'd be so totally not popular anymore, for real! MIKE: Um, wouldn't that be kind of hard, being that they're *on the roof* and thus high in the air for everybody to see? TOM: Mary Sue logic at its finest. > I impressed upon them, MIKE: [Carolyn] Mistress Crystal, you've already impressed your brand on my forearm to mark me as your slave! > "everybody understand?" ALL: HELL NO!!! > everyone nodded. TOM: [Ryan] So I shouldn't have worn this hot orange dress shirt then? > > > > "Good lets go." CROW: Oh, *great* lecture. > I climbed up the ladder and wedged myself CROW: She wedgied her self? The little freak! > between the > ceiling and the wall so I could get the keys and open the door > easily. TOM: Um...didn't you just get the keys from the truck? CROW: [Crystal] So I climbed up the ladder and wedged them between the ceiling and the wall and came back down, and now I'm going back up there to get them. What? > > > > "That looks hard for a human." Legolas observed. CROW: Hard for a human, easy for Crystal. Dun dun duuuuuuun!!! MIKE: [Crystal] Feh! It's not hard 'till I start juggling! > > > > "It was but I've had enough practice that it's not so hard now." CROW: [Crystal] I always steal my dad's keys and wedge myself into places I don't belong, silly! > I answered still trying to concentrate on what I was doing so as to not > fall the 20 feet to the floor. TOM: If it's that hard to do without concentration, maybe you could, I don't know, NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION? > Click, the lock popped MIKE: If she could pick the lock, what did she need the keys for? > and I pushed > the door open. MIKE: [Crystal] Who knew safecracking would be so easy? TOM: And just what was so important to say that she couldn't just say it in the time it took her to play Spider-Girl? CROW: Nothing. Just one more facet of her overwhelming magnificence. > > > "Come on." I called scrambling through the porthole. TOM: ...here on the S.S. Church. MIKE: [Crystal] The Yellow Submarine is this way! > > > > One by one they climbed the ladder Carolyn helped them onto the roof > and I led everyone to a little dip CROW: [Legolas] Mmmm... peppercorn ranch, my favorite! > where I always went when I wanted > to be alone. TOM: Too bad about her publicising it, then. > > > > "So what's so important that we needed to come up here to talk?" > Stefan asked. CROW: [Crystal] That's a reasonable, logical question. Therefore I'll be ignoring it and anything else you say for the rest of the day. TOM: [Stefan] But... CROW: [Crystal] NOT LISTENING!!! NOT LISTENING!!! > > > > "Actually we didn't need to come up here ALL: o/~ wah wah wah WAH o/~ > but it was a opportunity to > come up to the roof MIKE: Ya know Crystal, you *definitely* need to get out more. CROW: Pots and kettles, Nelson! > and I never pass that up plus I want to keep > Legolas out of prying eyes." TOM: [Crystal, obsessively] Because he's MINE, and I don't like other people LOOKING AT MY STUFF! MIKE: [Stefan] If that's the case why couldn't we just have locked the door to the stor... CROW: [Crystal] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!! MIKE: Yep, once you've started prying them, you just can't stop... CROW: Eww. > I answered then continued "The thing I > needed to talk about is that I want to take Legolas to Playland [All sit in stunned silence. Crickets chirp.] > but I want to MIKE: [Crystal] ... pass him off as the entertainment so we can get in for free! > go with all of you but I need to know when would be a good > day." ALL: Oh... Dear... Lord... MIKE: So she wants to keep him hidden, but also go to "Playland". Sounds reasonable. TOM: Maybe if Legolas is really good that day, they'll buy him a Happy Meal! CROW: Can't wait until Legolas gets a load of their "You must be centuries old to ride" signs. > > > > "How about Tuesday?" Ryan asked. CROW: [Carolyn] But don't we have school-- TOM: [Crystal] Um... it's summer... CROW: [Carolyn] But there's snow on the-- TOM: [Crystal] It's summer! CROW: [Carolyn] Christmas was just last-- TOM: [Crystal] Hey, who's the author here? Me or you? CROW: [Carolyn] ... TOM: [Crystal] Thought so. > > > > "Tuesday's good." John agreed. MIKE: [John] Tuesday is right. Tuesday works. > > > > "So Tuesday?" I asked, everyone nodded, TOM: So, it's Tuesday, then? MIKE: Yeah, I think it's gonna be Tuesday. CROW: I don't know, you guys. I was thinking Tuesday. TOM: No one will be seated during the gripping "agreeing on a day" scene, either! > "ok then I'll meet you all at > King George Station MIKE: And we'll change for Jamaica Plain. TOM: Bring extra nickels, just in case. > at 9:30 on Tuesday... Let's go then." I finished > going down the ladder. TOM: [Crystal] Then everyone started muttering something about "get the boiling oil." Oh, those kidders! CROW: Now *that* was exciting! MIKE: The obvious core of this chapter; nay, this entire plot arc! > > > > "Bye everyone." Legolas called as we left the church. MIKE: [Legolas] I don't know why Crystal said I have to stay here, but I'm sure there's a good reason! > > > > When we got home I made burgers, which Legolas enjoyed very much. MIKE: Gee, did you let him drink from the sippy cup this time? CROW: You guys think elves are susceptible to mad cow disease? TOM: [Legolas] I like them VERY MUCH! > > > > We were just finishing eating when Legolas asked, "What is Playland?" CROW: I coulda called that was coming. TOM: Geez, you dolt! It's a *land* where you *play*! You somehow have learned English, just break down the frickin' compound word!!! MIKE: [Legolas] And if it's anything like those damned malls... > > > > > "PLAYLAND IS ONLY THE BEST PLACE IN B.C. TO GO TO HAVE FUN!!" Carolyn > yelled defensively. CROW: [Carolyn] You'd have to be a stupid elf who just arrived from mythical prehistory not to know that... oh, never mind. TOM: You can guess there's not a lot going on in this province. > > > > "Calm down Carolyn." MIKE: [Crystal] Settle down, Beavis... > I said glaring at her, TOM: [Crystal] He's *my* punching bag, remember? MIKE: [Crystal] You've been into the "pure plantation sugar known to man" again, haven't you? > "Playland is a place > where you can do all sorts of things, there are rides, games and good > food also right now there's a thing called the ‘PNE' MIKE: Play no Enya? CROW: Pencil necked eggheads? TOM: Pretty neat elevator? > or the ‘Pacific > National Exhibition' ALL: Oh. > there's even more stuff to do there." CROW: "So substitute 'stores' for 'rides' and it's the mall all over again, right?" he said with blades at the ready... > I finished. TOM: Finished what? You didn't start anything! MIKE: Finished talking, Tom. TOM: Nonsense! There is clearly a period after 'there'. > > > > Legolas had figured out not to interrupt me when I was explaining > something to him MIKE: [Crystal] Hmmm, guess that electric taser did the trick. Vwa ha ha ha ha! > but as soon as I was done he burst out, CROW: [Legolas] What have I done to deserve this!? I've tried to be a good elf--revering nature, hating dwarves, slaying orcs mercilessly...why, Gandalf, why?! > "What's a ride?" CROW: Well, you've been taken for one for ten chapters so far... MIKE: So as the story progresses, Legolas is getting dumber and dumber? TOM: *sigh* What ever happened to that murderous rampaging elf from Chapter 2 we all knew and loved? > > > > "A ride is... well let me show you." TOM: [shocked] Gyaaaaaaa! CROW: [muttering] Mustn't say it... mustn't say it... mustn't say it... MIKE: Good plan. > I finished getting out my photo > album; "this is carolyn and I on our grade 7 grad trip to Playland." CROW: [Legolas] EEEWWW!!! Crystal, what's that green gunk all around your mouth? > > > > Legolas laughed, TOM: [Legolas] Time for you and your friends to die! > "Carolyn, you were so short." > > > > "Carolyn is still small." I said dodging a punch she sent my way. > "Missed me, missed me. " I taunted CROW: *Please* say she doesn't have to kiss her now... > sticking out my tongue. MIKE: Now Crystal, I don't think Carolyn swings that way. CROW: Besides, Legolas'd be pretty upset being tossed aside by her like that. TOM: Unfortunately for Carolyn, Crystal's half-Luxan, and her tongue knocked her into a coma. > > > > Carolyn jumped on top of me TOM: I knew it! Mike, the story's turned lemon! Arm all riffs! Prepare to launch a full spread! > and we had a furious wrestling match. MIKE: Power down there, Tommy. TOM: Okay, Mike, but I'm staying at the ready. CROW: Awww, where's a mud pit when you need it? > Legolas just looked on CROW: He's no fool. He likes to watch. > and laughed. MIKE: ...Ick. TOM: [suddenly] But look at it this way. We're ten chapters into this thing, and it's *still* managing to astonish us! CROW: [to Mike] He's losing it. MIKE: [to Crow] Yep. TOM: ...What? > Carolyn came out on top; TOM: Should we be watching this, Mike? > she had > me pinned to the ground holding my arms behind my back. ALL: [Simultaneously] YES! YES! GET HER! FINISH HER! GO FOR THE THROAT!! > "Don't call > me short." She said letting me go. ALL: o/~ Hold me like you'll never let me go!! o/~ > > > > "But you are." I retorted jumping away from her. MIKE: I thought she was pinned? CROW: Girl's talented, I guess. > > > > "Wow" Legolas said, "The little one beat you." MIKE: Nope, haven't seen *that* scenario *ever!* BOTS: Nopers! TOM: Screw David and Goliath, this is much more fun! > > > > "Don't call me little." Carolyn growled. CROW: [Carolyn] Call me a doughty hobbit-maiden! TOM: [Crystal] You want to be called a *hobbit?* Okay... > > > > "She only beat me because I fight with my feet, TOM: Hey, she's a master of La Savate, the French martial art! MIKE: Crystal "Destinygurl" *IS* Runaway in "Legolas: Back to the Future War!" > I mean I can kick CROW: ...the baby? TOM: [Ike] No kick de God damn baby! [normal] See, 'cause Ike and Crystal are both from Canada and that makes it funny! > higher than your head but I can't do that when I'm on the floor MIKE: [Crystal] ...I do it on the ceiling. See, there's this film called 'The Matrix', and.... > plus I didn't want to hurt Carolyn." I said TOM: Hold it! Who can kick higher than whose head! MIKE: Does it matter that much? > but the last 15 words or so > were lost on Legolas he was concerned with one thing. MIKE: [Legolas] Perhaps if I can get them to fight each other I can escape unnoticed... always seemed to work for *other* Lord of the Rings characters... > > > > "YOU can kick higher than MY head?" he asked. TOM: [Legolas, snickering] Yeah, and Frodo's a two-year-old troll! CROW: [Legolas] Flexibility--WOO HOO! MIKE: [Legolas] What are you, some sort of godlike being that can manipulate the very laws of this universe as you see fit...wait.... > > > > "Yup." ALL: Gesundheit. > I answered, "Do you want to see?" ALL: NO!!!! > > > > Legolas nodded. "Ok then stand still CROW: [Crystal] Mary-Sue powers, activate! > and don't move otherwise my foot > might come in contact with your face CROW: [Crystal] And then you'd fillet me in three seconds flat, which would be bad for me. > and I think that would hurt." TOM: Gee, ya *think?* > > > > Legolas looked worried at this remark and just as I was kicking, TOM: HI-KEEBA!! > he ducked. CROW: He moves like they do! TOM: [Legolas] I'm Faster Than You'll Ever Be. > > > > "What'd you do that for? MIKE: [Legolas] I may be a badly-characterized fanfic character, but I'm not *stupid!* > I would have missed your head." MIKE: [Legolas] Yes, but you would've broken my jaw in the meantime! TOM: [Crystal] SO?!? > I yelled, > "Stand up and STAY STILL!" CROW: [Crystal] Take your beatings like a good little sidekick, slave! TOM: [Legolas, muttering] Faced countless armies, killed more people that she's ever met, yet I'm being bossed around by a freaking schoolgirl... > > > > I kicked again MIKE: [wincing] Well, she *would* have missed if she'd been calmer... > and this time he didn't move. CROW: [Carolyn] Legolas, did you grow several inches within the last few seconds? MIKE: [Crystal] Ooo, ouch...I'm sorry. Can you still see out of that eye? > "See I told you I could > do it." I said smugly, "that's how you break someone's nose... actually > you could kill someone like that if you wanted to." CROW: If you're talking about that old "bridge of the nose into the brain" thing - A) Your nose *can't* break like that - it's cartilage. B) Even your nose COULD break like that, the force of the blow would kill them before any flying bone fragments could. C) SHUT UP, WONDERGIRL!!! TOM: [evilly] Really? You could kill someone like that, *Crystal?* Is that right, *Crystal?* So, all I'd have to do to kill, say, oh, you, for example, would be to kick you in the head--like this? [TOM swings his hoverskirt forward as if kicking, but loses control, flips once or twice, and comes down in his seat upside-down.] TOM: Ohh... my head.... MIKE: [putting Tom right-side-up] It kind of helps to do that with *legs*, Tom. TOM: [grumbling] Figures... > > > > Once we finished with my demonstration MIKE: ...which is exactly what it was... > we looked over the photo album CROW: [Legolas] Wow, I didn't even know you could *do* that with a coconut... TOM: [Crystal] ...Umm... err... that is to say... Hey look! A movie's on! > but it really didn't help much in explaining what a ride is so I just > left it to show him when we got there. MIKE: I must say that I've never seen a Mary Sue flaunt her coolness so... randomly, before. TOM: She's probably got a "Show Off" alarm setting on her watch. > > > > A warning to all who want to see this story continued I will once I > get two reveiws CROW: [Starts to leave.] Well, that's that-- MIKE: Sit. CROW: But Mike, you saw what she said. Surely not a single person after reading that would give her a review, let alone two... TOM: Yeah, with all of the hundreds of thousands of stories on fanfiction.net, certainly there's *some* chance this 'fic will be overlooked... please? MIKE: Somehow, I don't think it will be that easy... > > ************************************* > 11. Legolas Rides His First Bike CROW: [irate] Okay, who reviewed? TOM: Yeah... what're the chances of *that* happening? MIKE: Hey, Pearl... you wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you? PEARL: [over intercom, computer keyboard clattering softly but distinctly] I don't quite know what you're insinuating, Nelfic, but I've, ahem, got work to do... [clack clack] Let's see... where was I? "OMG yr fic was sooooooooo wunderfull WTF LOL i heart legolas ^_^ lol1111111" MIKE: Okay, it's official, we're doomed! ALL: DOOMED! [Pearl begins cackling very evilly.] > > Disclaimer: I own it all YAY No seriously if you think I own anything > from Lord of the Rings you're crazy CROW: So you're saying that's NOT your Legolas plushie with the lipstick smudges? > > > > To Rhysel Ash: Thank you for the compliment I'm glad you like the > story TOM: PS: Kiss my hoverskirted butt, Ash! CROW: That's one... > > > > To WeasleyTwinsLover1112: MIKE: [Destinygurl] How's trying to get Fred and George to pop out of *your* TV coming? > I'm glad that this chapter was easier to > read. MIKE: [WeasleyTwinsLover1112] ...for dyslexics... > Please do get some of your friends to read this I would love it CROW: That's two! MIKE: Crow, *please!* TOM: You'd think after eleven chapters she would've gotten the hang of that little "sentence structure" thing... > > > > > A/N: I'm sorry it took longer than I expected to update TOM: Don't stress out on *our* account, honey... > I would have > done it yesterday but I had a lot of homework and then my dad's > friend insisted that he take us out for Iranian food TOM: But on the plus side, she knows what she's feeding Legolas next. MIKE: [Destinygurl] And then I fainted from lack of breath so sorry so sorry. > and we were > there till 10:00. TOM: How long can take to transcribe your diary and shoehorn Legolas into it? > I hope to still update everyday but if more reviews > don't come in then I will have to be forced to take drastic action. MIKE: [Destinygurl] Read my story or these kittens die! BOTS: MEW!!! TOM: Seriously? You mean, if no one reviews this, the torture might come to an end? CROW: No, then she'll start updating *twice* a day. MIKE: Or worse yet... a sequel. BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! > > > > On Monday morning we got up slowly not needing to be anywhere. TOM: When have you *ever* needed to be anywhere in this story? MIKE: [Crystal] I'm sure the school won't miss us if we skip *another* month... > Around 10:00am we went out to my back yard to find for something. TOM: [Crystal] But that didn't work, so we decided to *look* for something instead... CROW: [Crystal] I could've *sworn* that Lodak's ring of magical Mary Sue-ness was around here somewhere... TOM: SUPER-OBSCURITY BONUS! [CROW flashes blue.] > > > > "What are we looking for?" Legolas asked as we went into the very and > I mean VERY messy garage. TOM: Buried treaure? MIKE: Mr. Goodbar? CROW: A good time? MIKE: The plot? CROW: Dialogue that isn't migraine-inducing? TOM: Characterisation, theme, setting, a basic grammar book? CROW: Parents or care-givers of some sort? > > > > "A bike." I answered jumping up onto the big table in the middle of > the room. TOM: [Crystal] Miss Gulch nabbed Toto! We gotta go after her! MIKE: She has a big table in the middle of her garage? CROW: [Crystal] Carolyn? Did my table always have just three legs...AAAIIIEEE!!! > > > > Carolyn burst out laughing, TOM: [Carolyn] Silly! Bikes aren't real! They're only in movies. > "You-you're going to teach Legolas how to > ride a bike?" She asked through fits of giggles. TOM: [Carolyn, giggling] You're going to humiliate Legolas again in another totally pointless scene? Oh, how droll! MIKE: In my mind's eye, I'm seeing a pink-and-white, banana-seated, sissy- barred, My Little Pony-embossed, two-wheeled nightmare! TOM: Don't forget the handlebar tassles! CROW: Or the wicker basket! > > > > "Yes I am... Hah! MIKE: Wow--she's channeling Speed Racer! > I found it." I yelled scrambling off the table on the > other side of the room. TOM: Now there are multiple tables in the garage. MIKE: They're breeding! CROW: Nice to see something is... > > > > "Found what?" Legolas asked in a voice that was perilously close to > whining. MIKE: You call it "whining." We call it "Pained Resignation." TOM: [weakly] Eleven chapters in, and still evergreen with invention... > > > > "My dad's mountain bike." I answered shuffling stuff around to get at > it. CROW: [Crystal] Yeah! Good Ol' "Nutcracker!" > > > > "Oh my gosh... we're not... you're crazy." Carolyn sputtered. ALL: Thank you! MIKE: Sweet Lord, it's about time someone noticed! CROW: That's the first thing she's ever said that I actually agree with. > > > > "Spit it out girl." Legolas said CROW: Suddenly Legolas is a pimp in a bad porn film. MIKE: [Legolas] Or I'll catch you on the flip side! See you later, alligator! Twenty-three skiddoo! > anxious to know what was going on > (he was obviously not going to get anything from me). ALL: Thank you, helpful story! CROW: I'm so glad the story's decided to hold our hand; I'm not afraid of the monster under the seats now... > > > > "We're going mountain biking at green timbers forest aren't we?" > Carolyn asked. MIKE: [Crystal] No. > I nodded. "You're crazy!" ALL: We know! > > > > Legolas was looking from Carolyn to me and back again, "um I don't > know if I like the sound of this." He said worriedly. TOM: And yet, you're going to do it anyway... MIKE: Be afraid. Be very afraid. > > > > "Don't worry you'll be fine." I said trying to calm Legolas down. CROW: [Crystal] Come *on* ya big weeny! You crack your skull all the time fighting those orcs, don't you? > > > > Once we got the bike out of the mess TOM: [Crystal] Eww, puppy, no! > I left Carolyn MIKE: [Crystal] My 'Dear Jane' letter was little consolation.... > to explain the basics and went to get my > ‘secret-weapon-for-teaching-people-how-to-ride-a-bike'. TOM: [Crystal] Legolas, meet Mr. Teaching Stick! Ka-thwack! CROW: [Legolas] Eeeeep... MIKE: Shouldn't that have a little (TM) after it? > I went into > the storage shed under the patio CROW: Braving ten thousand spiders and one small raccoon. > and got out my Honda CV 750 F 1979 > motorcycle, CROW: Mary Sues on motorbikes: the proud tradition continues! MIKE: Hey, wait a minute! How do you teach someone to ride a bike with a far more complicated and potentially more dangerous vehicle? It's like using a Learjet to teach someone how to fly a kite... TOM: After everything else we've witnessed, you expect the story to make sense *now*? MIKE: Good point... > which I had just got working again. TOM: Well, better to have *that* between her legs then certain other things. > (It hadn't been > working since I was born TOM: She owned a motorcycle since before she was born? What a precocious kid. > and I started to fix it when I was 15) CROW: [Crystal] I would have finished sooner, but all the Zen meditation kind of slowed me down. MIKE: Okay, okay, hold the phone! Are we expected to believe that she's not only an expert singer, piano player, horseback rider, chef and Vancouver tour guide, she repairs motorcycles too? What happens next? Does the motorcycle turn into a robot or something? TOM: You must admit motorcycle repair is rather a strange talent for a Mary Sue in a Lord of the Rings fanfic... CROW: Could this be the start of some... *gasp* actual characterization? [Beat.] ALL: NAAAAAH! > Grabbing two helmets CROW: Crystal *is* Joanna Golding in "LEGOLAS, BACK TO THE FUTURE: ENEMIES!" TOM: ...Excuse me, I have to *MARK THE RIGHTEOUS HELL OUT* now. > I wheeled the huge bike over to where Carolyn > stood with Legolas. CROW: [Crystal] When I grow up, I'll actually be able to *ride* it! > > > > Being very engrossed with her lecture Carolyn didn't notice me until > I was almost on top of them; MIKE: Good thing she added that air horn to the bike, then. > she turned to ask me a question and her > eyes widened. TOM: [Carolyn] How did you get into that black leather so fast? And what the heck is up with that clown mask? > "You're now officially insane, MIKE: Ya know, I'm really starting to take a liking to Carolyn. TOM: So, seeing movie characters in your house doesn't make you insane, but riding a motorbike does? > you don't even know how > to ride a motorbike." She ranted. "I thought you said it wasn't fixed > yet." She continued. CROW: [Carolyn] What if it meets a male motorbike? We could have an unwanted litter of little mopeds on our hands. > "And what do you think to use it for?" CROW: [Crystal] Silly, to jump over the roof without a ramp! MIKE: I think to use motorbikes for transportation. What do you think? > Carolyn finished, very out of breath. MIKE: Out of breath? She said four sentences! CROW: Ranting, continuing, and finishing really *does* take a lot of wind. > > > > "Sort of, I lied and teaching." TOM: [Carson as Karnac] Name an expression, a confession, and a profession! CROW: [Ed McMahon] Ho ho ho! Yes! MIKE: Man, that bit never gets old with you two, does it? > I answered quickly. TOM: [Crystal] Now SILENCE, MINION!!! CROW: [Carolyn] Yes, master! > > > > "Huh?" Carolyn was now really confused. MIKE: You and me both, sister! CROW: Welcome to the club. TOM: And so the Han Solo role passes to Carolyn. > > > > "I sort of know how to ride a motorbike, MIKE: Um, Crystal? Big Wheels don't count. > my dad has given me a few > lessons. MIKE: [Crystal] Well, you know, I watched him ride it a couple times. > I told you it wasn't fixed because I was going to surprise > you by taking you on a road trip ALL: Rooooooad triiiiiip!!! > with it this week but plans > changed." I continued nodding in Legolas' direction. MIKE: [Crystal] Interrupt *my* plans, will you? > "And last I'm > going to use it to teach Legolas how to ride a bike." Carolyn still > looked totally clueless so I gave up on her and addressed Legolas. TOM: [Crystal] Legolas Greenleaf, 1600 Lasgalen Avenue, Thranduil City, Northern Mirkwood, 90210... > "Here put on this helmet and make sure you keep the visor down... TOM: [Crystal] Now no one can see your face if the headlight reflects off it and you can weld without getting hurt. MIKE: *Stop* with the "Enemies" references! TOM: Come on, Mike, when in the next hundred years are we ever going to be able to make them again? MIKE: Fine, fine. > good, so you get on like this... great, ok, there's going to be a lot of > noise CROW: o/~ Get your motor running... head out on the highway... o/~ MIKE: Wait, wait... so *how* exactly is this going to help Legolas learn how to ride a plain old *bicycle?* TOM: Look at it this way, Mike: Now he can join Mordor's Angels! > when I start it so plug your ears or something" I said getting > on the bike (by bike I mean motorbike). TOM: [Crystal] (By aside, I mean stating the obvious, except in parentheses.) MIKE: Glad you cleared that up for us! CROW: Aww, and here I had a great mental picture of her hopping on her Big Wheel! > > > > It started with a roar and Legolas despite all his efforts could not > plug his ears, as they were under a helmet, so he just cringed. MIKE: [Crystal] D'oh! Sorry! Forgot about your big ass ears! CROW: Now a thickly muscled blonde man will point a sword at him after saying, 'I have the pow-- TOM: No! > > > > "LEGOLAS PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND MY WAIST AND HOLD ON." TOM: [Legolas] Never! I will never fulfill your sick fantasies! CROW: Hey--this thing might have merit yet. > I yelled over > the noise. Legolas gripped very tight. CROW: [Crystal] Ack!...Legolas...Ican'tbreathe...ulp! > "OW! LET GO! LET GO!" I yelled > almost in panic. Legolas did as he was told and the pressure was > removed. "Own." I moaned TOM: Well Crystal, owning up to your pain *is* a good first step. CROW: [Crystal] Kr1zt31 0WnZ joo!!! > rubbing to spot where his arms had been. CROW: Yes, you too can own the spot, for just twelve easy payments! MIKE: This fic would either give Freud an orgasm or an aneuryism... > "Right on my bruised rib." > > > > "Did I hurt you?" Legolas asked worriedly. TOM: [Legolas] Did I really? Huh? Did I? 'cause that was actually my weakest grip. CROW: Would a virginity riff be considered wrong here? MIKE: Wrong *AND* clichéd. CROW: Roger that! > > > > "No it's and old injury, I bruised my rib while riding (horses) a few > weeks ago." I answered. CROW: Good thing she clarified those were horses, or I don't know what I would have thought.... Come to think of it, I'm still not sure what I think. MIKE: So it could have been something else? TOM: Llamas, elephants, mountain goats... > > > > "I thought you were a good rider." Legolas said in mock offence. CROW: He's never going to find out, at this rate. TOM: And he still wants to get on a motorbike with this girl? MIKE: And Legolas's mock offence has the defence confused. They're scrambling...Plot Contrivance is moving in and...SCORE! A great pass from Logical Loophole, and One-Dimensional Character bangs it into the net! > > > > "Oh shush, Mr. Devji (my dad's boss, the one who owns the barns) TOM: Arthur "Two Barns" Devji... MIKE: Ah, and he could have been anything from the ringmaster to that guy in the mall kiosk. > asked me to exercise the other horses while he was away but he just > got a new horse and it had either never been ridden or was abused CROW: Now here's the touching pro-social message of the story. > so it threw me CROW: [Crystal] I mean, it was *obviously* through no fault of mine since I am utterly without error.... TOM: I think the horse was trying to make the world a better place. MIKE: Ouch. > and I crashed into the fence. CROW: Sure... Blame the horse! MIKE: Well, it couldn't be her fault. She's perfect! Just ask her! TOM: You know, if this were an episode of Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky, that would probably be enough damage to kill off Kyo Kusanagi. Again. > I'm lucky the damage was so > minimal." I finished in a tone that closed the matter. TOM: [Crystal] Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. > "Put your arms > lower, CROW: [Crystal] Hey, wait, don't put them *there*! Ick! No! MIKE: [Legolas] My bad! > around my waist not my ribs." TOM: [Crystal] Now, move your body to the rhythm of the music...oh, Legolas, you'll never learn this in time for prom! > I advised as we got going. CROW: Okay, this is creepy even for *me!* > > > > About five minute later we came back. "That was short." Carolyn > commented. TOM: [Carolyn] I've got some Viagra in my purse.... CROW: The stamina of an elf... > > > > "We only went around the block." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] *sigh* We barely even made it to first base! > > > > "I still don't get what that was for." Carolyn said in confusion. CROW: You see, when a fangirl loves an elf, she-- MIKE: Will you just cut that out? > > > > "It was so that Legolas could get used to the balancing motion of a > bike." I explained. > > > > "Ahh, it all makes sense now." MIKE: [Carolyn] You're completely out of your tree! TOM: [Carolyn] Destinygurl knows absolutely nothing about motorcycles! CROW: Funny, I can see how that makes sense all of a sudden. > Carolyn said although I was not sure > if she was telling the truth. TOM: Carolyn might just be smarter than she looks... > > > > "Legolas, are you ready." MIKE: May I have 45 seconds on the clock please. BOTS: *Ding!* MIKE: [sarcastically] Thank you! > He nodded. CROW: [Legolas] Wait... Nodding means "no", right? > "Great then lets try it on a > real bike now." I said. CROW: But I thought a real bike *did* make lots of noise while spewing thick black smoke... > > > > Around 11:00 we finally got Legolas riding a bike quite well, TOM: By 12:00 he used that single motorcycle to subdue Japan. > Carolyn > went to pack some food as I loaded the bikes into my truck. We got to > green timbers forest and immediately started riding. MIKE: INTENSE... PICNICKING... ACTION!!! CROW: These girls are insatiable! Mary Sues Gone Wild! > > > > About an hour and a half later we found one of those mountain bike > trick thingies [All snicker.] MIKE: Such riveting descriptive language. CROW: 'Trick thingies?' TOM: Ya know, the only thing worse than explaining a word everyone knows is not explaining a phrase no one understands. > that were stationed along the path. This one was a > bridge about 10 feet off the ground and only wide enough for one tire > to fit on it. > > > > "I'm going to try." Carolyn said starting up the ramp. > > > > "Me too." I agreed CROW: [Crystal] But I'm doing it backwards! On one wheel! Blindfolded! While being attacked by ferrets! > > > > We both made it over with relative ease and were just about to > continue when we heard a scream behind us. CROW: [Crystal, dubbed] Look out! It's the headless horseman! MIKE: Legolas finally realizes he'll *never* get to leave. > We turned around just in > time to see Legolas hit the ground MIKE: ...running, not stopping until he escapes the fanfic! BOTS: Go, Legolas, go! > > ************************************* > > 12. Chapter 12 for lack of a better title MIKE: For lack of a better title, our interest was lost. CROW: For lack of our interest, the story was lost. TOM: For lack of a story, our minds were lost. ALL: And all for the lack of a better title! > > pipin-lovergirl: Thank you for reviewing I'll keep up the story. CROW: Forgive them, Lord! They know not what they do! > > > > Disclaimer: I don't own anything except myself and my computer. TOM: Have you guys noticed how Destiny's list of possessions keeps getting longer? MIKE and CROW: Veeeeeeery innnnteresting! > > > > A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in so long I have so much homework right > now CROW: Let's hear it for Destinygurl's teachers, guys! [All clap--those with working hands, anyway--and cheer.] > so please forgive me. TOM: We will *not!* How dare you leave us hanging that long! MIKE: We were left hanging for thirty seconds. TOM: But it could have been longer! > > > > I rushed over to Legolas and knelt beside him. "He's unconscious." I > called to Carolyn. CROW: [Crystal] I can tell because his eyes are open! > Rummaging through TOM: [Crystal] ...Legolas' pockets, looking for loose change... > my pack I pulled out CROW: [Crystal] Some cotton candy. I was *starving*! > my pocket TOM: [Crystal] --knife, and prepared to finish him off. MIKE: Yeesh, why so dark all of a sudden? > first aid kit, TOM: Which was right next to her pocket microwave oven and beneath her pocket kayak. > turning back to Legolas I cleaned the cut on his > forehead with an antiseptic wipe and then applied a bandage. CROW: Oh, come on, Crystal! Aren't you gonna kiss it better for him? [All snicker.] > Suddenly > it started to rain. CROW: [Crystal] Rats. I wasted a good antiseptic wipe and the rain would've done it for free. > > > > "Oh great as if things couldn't get any worse" TOM: [Stadium Vendor] Clichés! Get your clichés here!!! > Carolyn growled. CROW: But they did--the story continued. TOM: [Carolyn] Grrrrr...ruff, ruff! *Pant, pant*. > > > > Trying to lighten the mood I turned to Carolyn and said, MIKE: [Crystal] An elf, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar... > "Welcome to Vancouver the land of liquid sunshine." CROW: They make dishwashing stuff there? MIKE: I'd think mentioning Vancouver would make one's mood *worse*. TOM: How exactly does one 'lighten the mood' at the scene of a friend's possibly fatal motorcycle accident? > > > > "What's liquid sunshine?" a voice behind me asked. TOM: Yay! He's okay! And he's still stupid! MIKE: Orange juice, I think. CROW: Vancouver is the land of orange juice? > > > > "Legolas you're awake." I cried happily turning back to him. MIKE: And he hasn't changed a bit! > > > > "Don't worry about me I've had a lot worse injuries than a bump on > the head." TOM: [Legolas] ...like sustaining major brain damage on my way into your dimension... > Legolas assured us as he started to get up. TOM: [Legolas] AAAAHHHH! GOD, MY SPINE! > > > > "Sit down." I pleaded. > > > > "It's ok I'm fine." MIKE: [Legolas] I've wrecked *plenty* of bikes. > Legolas said starting to walk over to his bike. MIKE: Legolas is probably thinking that if he hurries, he might just be able to escape... > > > > "Sit down." I growled the command CROW: [Crystal, Cartman] That's a bad elf! Bad, bad elf! TOM: [Crystal] Now, roll over! No! No! Bad puppy! > then softening my tone MIKE: [Crystal] ...by gargling with Snuggle... > I continued. CROW: [Crystal] For that stunt, I'm taking away your allowance, young man! > "Even if it's only for us. TOM: [Legolas] And what of those other fangirls over there gawking at you caring for the actor of your dreams? > Besides it's time for lunch anyways." MIKE: [Crystal] Quit lollygagging! I want some grilled cheese! CROW: [Crystal] You might have some sort of internal injury! You need a sandwich!!! TOM: [Crystal] Plus you need to be nice and healthy for your trip to the Emper--I mean, to see our *other* friends! > > > > Legolas dejectedly sat under the tree MIKE: [Legolas] Um, I think I might have a concussion-- TOM: [Crystal] Oh, it's always about *you*, isn't it?! > that Carolyn had set our stuff > under and started to eat his tuna sandwich. CROW: [Legolas] Hmm... Why does this remind me of Arwen? > > > > Just then I noticed something. "Legolas you're bleeding" I cried as I > noticed blood seeping through his pants right around TOM: ...his exposed shin bone. MIKE: Ouch! > his knee. TOM: [Legolas] Oh that? I must have fallen on my can of V-8! > > > > "It's nothing." He said. CROW: [Legolas] It's only a flesh wound! TOM: [Legolas] It's just my trick knee. Tends to explode every now and again. No biggie. MIKE: [Legolas] I'm more worried about the fact I seem to be missing an arm. > > > > "Let me see." I demanded. He started to protest as I rolled up his > pant leg but I silenced him with a look. CROW: [Crystal] I am an eighteen-year-old mallrat; you're a veteran of a hundred battlefields. *Obviously* I'm more qualified to deal with this! MIKE: And he didn't even get to finish his sandwich... > His kneecap was all bloody > and most of the skin had been torn off, CROW: Whoa! His kneecap DID explode! TOM: Defying the laws of physics, apparently, as his pants were unscathed. > I quickly got another > antiseptic wipe and started to clean away the blood. TOM: [Crystal] Hey, this isn't blood! It's strawberry juice! CROW: Strawber...? You're dead, Servo! [CROW lunges at TOM, but MIKE restrains him.] MIKE: Relax honey, She Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken isn't really here. > > > > "Ow! Hey what are you doing to me?" CROW: Yikes! TOM: [Crystal, nervously] I'm smashing your head with a frying pan. Why? > Legolas asked recoiling slightly > from the stinging CROW: [Legolas] And why does that bottle say sulfuric acid on it? > of the peroxide ALL: Oh. > as it touched the open wound. CROW: [Crystal] Torturing you, naturally! Heehee--this is fun! > > > > "I'm just cleaning the cut, now get back here and don't be such a > baby." TOM: 'cause, ya know, Legolas, almighty warrior prince of Mirkwood, who's been near death more times than he can count, can't handle a lousy flesh wound! MIKE: Enough of a baby to have to mother... not enough of a baby to have to change. > I said moving closer to him and continuing to wipe away the > blood. MIKE: [Legolas] Ah! Get her away! > > > > A few minutes later I had bandaged Legolas' knee and we were > finishing our lunch. CROW: I'm starting to think Destinygurl has some sort of weird picnic fetish going on... > "Now we owe John a new pair of pants." TOM: [Crystal] ...since Baby made a poo-poo in this pair. > I grumbled. "What were you doing anyway?" > > > > "I was trying the bridge." Legolas answered. CROW: [Legolas] If I got past that, I was going to go on to the chorus! > > > > "What would posses your mind into thinking you could do that?" I > asked, my voice rising. TOM: [Legolas] Because I saw you two doorknobs do it and thought "How hard could it be?" > > > > "Um." Legolas said sheepishly, then, trying to change the subject > asked again. "What is liquid sunshine?" CROW: You know... black gold, Texas tea... TOM: I'm worried this is turning into a public service announcement about the need for bike helmets... > > > > "Sheesh I can never get a straight answer out of you." I said > exasperated. MIKE: Ms. Pot - I believe you've met Mr. Kettle... TOM: Oooh, if my fingers worked I'd flip her off *SO* hard! > > > > "Liquid sunshine is another name for rain, which we get a lot of > here." CROW: Oh come on! You're just making stuff up now! > Carolyn interjected before I could bite Legolas' head off > anymore. MIKE: Well Crystal, the first step *is* admitting you have a problem. TOM: The story's so abysmal that the girls have resorted to cannibalism. CROW: Can you really consider that cannibalism, Tom? Legolas is an *elf*. TOM: Semantics, Crow. > > > > "Let's go." I said starting to pack up. CROW: [Crystal] I swear you people are SO inferior to me! > > > > "Um Crystal, CROW: [Legolas] I made a poo-poo again. > my bike isn't working." Legolas said worriedly after > riding about 3 feet. TOM: Nonsense! If you can ride it 3 feet, it's working. > > > > I skidded to a halt. "What do you mean?" I asked. TOM: [Legolas] I mean THE BIKE...DOESN'T...*WORK*! > > > > "The wheel is shaking and it's making it very hard to ride." Legolas > answered. > > > > So I went over to the bike and looked it over. "There's your problem." CROW: [Crystal] Dandruff. MIKE: [Crystal] I, master of the story, have caused this problem to occur so that you must rely on me to solve all your problems. > I said tapping the bolt holding the wheel to the frame of > the bike. "When you fell the bolt must have come loose." I rummaged > through my pack again, MIKE: [Crystal] ...found my lipstick, put it on, put it back, went home. > brought out my mini-wrench and tightened the > bolt. MIKE: I'm just surprised she wasn't packing an air driver! TOM: What else does all-powerful Crystal have in her pack of wonders? > > > > "That's the second time you've helped me with something from your > backpack, what do you have in there?" Legolas asked, TOM: [Crystal] If I give you the right answer, do I win a Ring of Power? > overcome by curiousness. MIKE: Or curiosity--whichever you prefer. TOM: [Crystal, solemnly] Many have sought to know the secret of The Backpack. All who have learned its true nature have been driven mad. Some have even gone mad from not knowing. Now... Do you still desire to know about The Backpack? CROW: [Legolas] Umm... Yeah. TOM: [Crystal, cheerfully] Okie-dokey, then! > > > > "Let's see I have my pocket first aid kit, the mini-wrench, TOM: o/~ Allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters o/~ > a small air pump MIKE & TOM: o/~ Walkie talkies, copper wire, safety goggles, radial tires o/~ > and some other stuff like MIKE & TOM: o/~ BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers o/~ > a space blanket and MIKE & TOM: o/~ Paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters o/~ > lots of food." I answered. MIKE & TOM: o/~ Kitchen faucets, folding tables, water-stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles o/~ ALL: o/~ Pesticides for fumigation, high performance lubrication, metal- roofing water-proofing multipurpose insolation, air compressers, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors, trailor hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers, tennis rackets, ankle brackets, Duracells and Energizers, soffet panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers! o/~ [ALL are frozen in place, while huge yellow words reading "256 CONSECUTIVE NOTES, OUTSTANDING MUSICAL INTERLUDE!" float in front of them for several seconds, then move to the right offscreen as the action resumes.] MIKE: [taking a breath] Man, that is *hard on the lungs*! TOM: Whiner. MIKE: Shut up. > > > > "Why do you keep so much stuff in there?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Crystal] Tax purposes. > > > > "Cause I'm paranoid." CROW: Two. MIKE: What? CROW: Two times she's riffed herself. TOM: I'll bet some of that "other stuff" in there is a tinfoil hat and some homemade "Grey" repellent. > I answered getting back on my bike therefore > putting an end to Legolas stream of questions. TOM: In fact, I *damned* his stream of questions! Ha-ha! Get it? Dammed- damned? [MIKE and CROW groan.] > > > > Once we got home Carolyn cooked supper MIKE: [Crystal] ...while I reclined on my leather sofa and Legolas fed me grapes. > as I went to pack what we > needed for tomorrow. > > > > "What are you packing?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Crystal] A .45 semi, an M249, and a dozen AP grenades. You? > > > > "Stuff." I answered absentmindedly. MIKE: [Crystal] Just the drugs we slip into your food to keep you all stupid and doci..IIIII mean "stuff?" Tee-hee? > > > > "What kind of stuff?" Legolas persisted. > > > > "You know you're worse than a five year old." I said exasperated. CROW: [Legolas/Mindy] Why? Why? Okay, I love you, bubye. TOM: [Crystal] Stop trying to understand this strange world into which you've suddenly been catapulted! MIKE: [Crystal] Man! *Why* did I write you into my story again? > "Basically I'm packing snacks like granola bars CROW: [Crystal] ...and beetle larvae. MIKE: Granola isn't a snack. It's penance. > and fruit leathers CROW: So she got elf-boy a new wardrobe already, then? > also some warm clothes for the evening and water bottles for > everyone." I finished. CROW: Crystal - Den Mother of the Universe! > > > > "Ahh ok that makes sense." Legolas said as we were heading upstairs > for dinner. TOM: [Legolas] So what are we having tonight? CROW: [Crystal] Soylent Green. TOM: [Legolas] Hmm... Sounds exotic! MIKE: Don't you wonder what he would've done if it *hadn't* made sense? > > > > "So what should we do first?" Carolyn asked once we were finished > eating. MIKE: [Crystal] Let's see if we can find the plot. > > > > "What we always do first." TOM: [Crystal] PANIC! CROW: [Crystal] Try to take over the world! MIKE: [Crystal] Make Legolas look like a utter tool! > I answered. "The swings." CROW: A little S&M seems in order, eh? MIKE: Quiet, you. > > > > "Duh why didn't I think of that" Carolyn said. CROW: [Crystal] Because I'm the author, and you're an idiot? > "We should probably go > to bed soon TOM: [Carolyn] It's been a while since we had an awkward, suggestive bedroom scene. > after all tomorrow will take a lot of energy out of us." CROW: But see, Mike? Things are finally taking off. MIKE: I'll believe that when I see it. > > > > "Good point." I agreed heading downstairs. CROW: Upstairs, downstairs, all around the town! TOM: So she really *does* live in her parents' basement? MIKE: Let's just get out of here, you guys... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. The table is covered with a bunch of brochures and other promo- tional materials, which Crow and Tom are browsing through.] MIKE: [walking in] Hey, guys, have you seen Gypsy? She--hey, what's all this? TOM: Oh nothing, just some stuff I sent away for from Destinygurl Community College! MIKE: What the...? CROW: Indeed, Mike! Apparently she decided to take the teaching philosophy embodied in this fanfic and apply it to the entire spectrum of academic and technical disciplines! MIKE: Oh, you mean, like how she used the motorcycle to teach Legolas how to ride a bike? TOM: Yes indeed, and so much more! Take a look at her cosmetology program! [Gestures at a pamphlet at a table] MIKE: [Picks up pamphlet and reads it] "Cosmetology 101: Beginning Hair Styling. Required materials--" What the f--a *CHAINSAW*? TOM: Yep, once you get the hang of cutting someone's hair with a chainsaw, using a plain old razor will be *no* problem! CROW: And don't forget Destinygurl's extensive course in computer science! [Hands Mike another pamphlet] MIKE: "In case your CD-ROM gets scratched, use the terawatt laser in the Physics Lab to rewrite the disk byte by byte!" TOM: But that's not nearly as fun as the Destinygurl School of Veterinary Medicine! [Mike takes the pamphlet and opens it.] MIKE: Awww... a cute little sick kitten... [flips the page] MY LORD!!! WHAT IS THAT GIRL DOING WITH THAT HUGE HONKING--THAT POOR LITTLE--I'M GONNA BE SICK!!!! [Mike runs out of the room, his hands cupped over his mouth.] CROW: What was *that* all about? TOM: That man obviously doesn't have the stomach for higher education. CROW: So how do I get financial aid for this school, Servo? TOM: Hmmm, let's see... [rifles through the stack of pamphlets] Here we go. To get financial aid... rob a bank. CROW: Huh? TOM: ...using a piece of fruit. CROW: Oh, is that *all*? I was expecting something more difficult... [Movie sign flashes. Klaxons blare.] BOTS: Aaaaaugh! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! [exit] [As soon as the robots leave, Gypsy sneaks onto the stage, holding a video tape in her mouth. She looks to her left and her right to see if the coast is clear, then very slowly makes her way across the bridge and exits stage right.] TO BE CONTINUED... (((((((( END OF PART 4 -- Other parts coming soon! )))))))) All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. And don't forget to wear your bike helmet! ----- Last Update: 20 September 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > "Own." I moaned rubbing to spot where his arms had been. MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 13-15 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > 13. Playland and hyperness MIKE: Official slogan of "Legolas, Back to the Future". > > Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or Playland or anything else MIKE: Get it? > got it, good. CROW: You learn fast, young Padawan! > > > > A/N: I'm soooooooooooo sorry TOM: There aren't enough "o"s in "so" to say just how sorry she is. > I haven't updated in so long it's just > that CROW: [Destinygurl] ...Having wacky adventures with my elf buddy takes time! > I'm running low on ideas TOM: And boy does it show! CROW: Lessee, take Legolas with me to go get my Dad's paycheck, go pay the electric bill, return my copy of "Fellowship of the Rings" to the video store... MIKE: Stop that. > and also my friend came here from > Vancouver Island TOM: Oh, the ghost guy from Desolate Shores? > and we were busy all week. CROW: If ya know what I mean... > I just rented the extended > version of 'The Fellowship of the Rings' CROW: [Destinygurl] So now I know *everything* about The Ring Trilogy! > and I TOM: [Destinygurl] ...just realized my story isn't about Legolas at all! > strongly recommend it as > it goes closer to the book CROW: [Destinygurl] Not that I've read it... > and it is very interesting, MIKE: [Crystal] See? *Nothing* like my story. > it has over 30 > minutes of extra footage right in the movie. I should be updating more > soon. TOM: Hm... Never knew Canada taugh MojoJojospeak as a language... > > > > ********************************************************************* > > > > That morning I was the first to wake up so I went over to Legolas' > sleeping form and jumped up and down yelling. MIKE: [Crystal] GET OUT! GET OUTTA THERE! > "WE'RE GOING TO PLAYLAND, > WE'RE GOING TO PLAYLAND, YAY!!!" CROW: Oh *this* is a mature 18-year-old... ALL: [Animaniacs] Boingee! Boingee! Boingee! > > > > Legolas sat up grumbling. "Go away." CROW: AAAWWW!!! Our little Leggie's developing a backbone! TOM: [sniff] They grow up so fast! > > > > "Fine I will." I said. So I went over to the Hide-A-Bed and jumped up > and down yelling CROW: [Crystal] ...on Carolyn's neck, killing her instantly... TOM: [Crystal] DIE, THIRD WHEEL! DIE! > "CAROLYN WE'RE GOING TO PLAYLAND!!" MIKE: Now playing Legolas Greenleaf the *elven warrior*...Carolyn C. ALL: *slash!* *thwack!* > > > > Carolyn woke up and once she heard what I was saying she TOM: ...rolled over and went back to sleep. > too started > jumping around. ALL: [rapping] Jump around! Jump around! Jump up, jump up and get down! TOM: Okay, who put the crack in their water supply? MIKE: Crystal did, remember? TOM: Oh yeah... > > > > Legolas gave up on both of us CROW: [Legolas] Apparently no one in this story is ever going to sleep with me. > and went to get ready. MIKE: Good to see he's finally the responsible one in the household. CROW: [Legolas] Fellowship? What fellowship? I'm going to Playland! > > > > ********************************************************************** > > "Put on some sunscreen." I advised as I rubbed the thick white cream TOM: MMMWAH!!! Good night, everybody! > on my exposed arm. CROW: It puts the lotion on its skin... TOM: And *we* all get the hose again! > "Just don't let it touch your... TOM: [Crystal] ...your...you know.... > make that John's > clothes, it'll stain." CROW: And that'll cause all *sorts* of problems for the President! TOM: It will not! He is *clearly* not having sexual relations with that woman! > > > > "It smells funny." Legolas commented sniffing the bottle. MIKE: Dear Lord! First they get him strung out on sugar, then jacked up on coffee, now they're trying to get him high? What's next? ALL: [thinking for a beat, then] Jack Daniels! Woo hoo!!! > > > > "No, it smells good." Carolyn corrected. MIKE: [Crystal] All right, Carolyn. Where'd you learn to do this stuff? I wanna know! CROW: [Carolyn] ... MIKE: [Crystal] Answer me! Where'd you learn this stuff? CROW: [Carolyn] ... MIKE: [Crystal] I... said... CROW: [Carolyn] You, all right?! I learned it by watching you! TOM: People who sniff sunscreen... have friends who sniff sunscreen. > > > > "Sure whatever." Legolas finished not wanting to argue. CROW: [Sadly] Well... They finally broke him... MIKE: Apathy's all that gets him through the day anymore... > > > > I swung my backpack over my shoulder and headed for the door. TOM: [Crystal] I to find the passage back to the place I was before. > "Come on > guys lets go." I yelled at the two who were still getting last minute > things. TOM: [Legolas] Wait! No one move till I find my swords! CROW: [Carolyn] Hold on, Crystal, I'm still in my underwear! MIKE: [Crystal as played by Tom Baker] Move, move! You are too slow! Last one out the door gets a lick o' the cat! > > > > *********************************************************************** > > > > > When we got to the skytrain station I got out and ran over to > everybody. I started to jump around again yelling TOM: Crystal - You rendered one of literature's classic characters into a big bag of hammers! What are you going to do now? > "WE'RE GOING TO > PLAYLAND!!" CROW: [Joe] Not with you we're not! MIKE: Too bad "everybody" includes the Vancouver Olympics organizers. > > > > "WE WERE AWARE OF THAT FACT!" Ryan yelled back at me. MIKE: [Ryan] Oh, yeah. And "Reeehh!" > > > > Stefan, exercising his newfound height over me, CROW: Found it just last week, at the back of his closet. MIKE: [Stefan] I'm huge! > walked over and planted > one hand firmly on each of my shoulders, TOM: [Crystal] Then Carolyn planted one fist firmly into my face. > trying to keep me on the > ground MIKE: [Crystal] o/~ I'm as corny as Kansas in August! High as a flag on the Fourth of July! o/~ > then he asked Carolyn. "What did you give her this morning, > chocolate covered coffee beans?" CROW: [Carolyn] Just the usual big bowl of pure plantation sugar known to man. > > > > "Oh shush, hobbit." CROW: [Crystal] Oh, why don't you go burgle some lost dragon gold or something? > I said batting his hands away. TOM: [announcer] And it's a long drive right into center field... MIKE: Man, people just keep losing body parts left and right in this fanfic! > "Aren't I allowed to > be hyper?" MIKE: [Stefan] Well, there is that new anti-brainless teenage girl legislation... > > > > Stefan looked indignant at this remark. "Hey I'm not the hobbit > anymore, TOM: [Stefan] Yeah, I eat six meals a day and I've got hairy feet, but still... > I'm taller than you." CROW: 4'9" compared to 4'6" is still short, Stefan. > > > > "Yeah, like half an inch." I retorted. TOM: [Crystal] Where's that blasted brick?!?! CROW: Man, what a retort! MIKE: Such witty repartee! It's like O'Toole and Hepburn...'s talentless half- siblings. > > > > "Besides" Ryan said. "We'll call you that nickname forever." MIKE: [Stefan] So is that how it is, "Puddles?" TOM: [Ryan] YOU PROMISED NEVER TO CALL ME THAT!!! CROW: [Stefan] Fine, fine. Then you're still "Blindy McHairypalm". > > > > "Hobbit? Stefan's not a hobbit, CROW: [Legolas] Hobbits are *much* more masculine... > hobbits are only four feet tall and > they have furry feet." Legolas reasoned with us. TOM: [chuckles] Surely he's realized the futility of *that* by now. MIKE: Legolas, what did we tell you about *reasoning* with them? > > > > John smirked. TOM: The official expression of Mary Sue fanfics everywhere. > "When Stefan first came to our church he was shorter that > all of us so Ryan dubbed him the hobbit MIKE: [John] Our church is a cruel, heartless place wherein we ruthlessly mock any outsider. TOM: [Legolas] ...So how is it different from any other church? CROW: BADUM TISH! TOM: Now, repeat that joke over and over for a half an hour, and you've got any '80s British sitcom you care to name. > and it has been that way ever > since, just because he's taller now doesn't mean we'll stop calling > Stefan the hobbit, CROW: [John] I mean, look at him! You don't think we'd let him have self-esteem, do you? > it's just stuck." he explained. MIKE: Like the plot of this story, for example. TOM: Why do I have this sudden image of a blood-soaked Stefan being led into a squad car muttering "They wouldn't stop calling me 'Hobbit?'" > > > > "Yeah it's kinda like tall David and small David." Joe put in. CROW: [Joe] Except that there's an actual David who's tall and an actual short David, so it's not... Really... The same... illshutupnow... > > > > "That's really funny, actually small David, who you know." I said > gesturing at David. TOM: [David] Oh, am I in this fanfic? > "Was very tall when we dubbed him small David, just > not as tall as tall David and now small David is taller than tall David CROW: But Goliath's still taller than either of them! > but the name still sticks." I said very fast. TOM: [Crystal] IT'S FUNNY!!! LAUGH, DAMN YOU!!! MIKE: [Legolas] Legolas...confused! Legolas...die! Aaaaaaaaccckkk!!! > > > > "Yup and Julie, my sister, will always be known as the troll even when > she's older." MIKE: [Ryan] True, her habit of hiding under bridges and eating billy goats doesn't help... CROW: [Troll] N-B-C! Used to be a peacock. But we ATE IT. TOM: Super ultra mega obscurity bonus! [Crow is surrounded by a glowing, rotating helix.] > Ryan continued adding yet another nickname to the list > Legolas was presently trying to take in. MIKE: [Legolas] Is this gonna be on the test? CROW: [Legolas] Grrr.... I really should have learned shorthand! TOM: [Legolas] Maybe I should log all these into my PalmPilot... > > > > "I never got why you called her that, she's really short." I > questioned. CROW: [Ryan] Are you kidding? Look at her fa--err, I mean, uh, I don't know. TOM: That's not a question, it's a statement! IT'S A STATEMENT!!!! 15-love! > > > > Ryan just shrugged in response. CROW: [Crystal] Could you be any *more* apathetic? MIKE: [Ryan, shrugs shoulders] Eh... > > > > "How do you keep track of all these names?" TOM: [Crystal, offhandedly] Oh, just my standard issue Mary Sue Perfect Recall... > Legolas asked in distress. CROW: [Legolas] Help, help! I'm being distressed! TOM: Dis-tress, dat-tress, what does it matter? > > > > Carolyn came to the rescue. "Don't worry it took me a while to figure > out all the nicknames and other important things you get it soon." TOM: [Ron Weasley] She really needs to get her priorities straight! MIKE: [Legolas] But I only have ten days! TOM: [Crystal, muttering] Heh heh... that's what *he* thinks... > > > > I resumed my jumping "LET'S GO! LET'S GO!" MIKE: [drill instructor] MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE!!! > I yelled racing over to get > my ticket. TOM: [Crystal] Don't make me break out the Mind Sifter on you, people! > > > > My hyper ness was contagious and pretty soon TOM: ...Vancouver was under a WHO travel advisory. > we were all wired TOM: Jacked up and good to go. > so we > decided to run up the down escalator. CROW: [Crystal] Of course we forgot to explain this to Legolas. He's probably still down there climbing up and wondering why he isn't going anywhere. > (Which was one of our favourite > pastimes) CROW: Oh, you wild, crazy, thrill-seeking funsters you! MIKE: They'd better be careful. This could lead to dancing. And dancing could lead to DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION. TOM: The idea of a game of DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION set up on a moving escalator is a strangely appealing one. > > > > Much to our dismay we got on a train with a transit security guard. TOM: [Crystal] Psst! It's the Man! Ghost! > "Well there goes my idea of running up and down the train to get some > of my energy out." Carolyn grumbled. TOM: Running on a train? That's immoral! MIKE: Well, if you'd just cut down on the honey-roasted crack, this wouldn't be an issue! > > > > "Reeehh." Ryan said. MIKE: [Carolyn] Laugh it up, fuzzball. > > > > "Shnirgin." Joe yelled. TOM: Schlemiel, schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! MIKE: And if this isn't why they put transit security guards on trains, it should be! > > > > The ride was quite uneventful aside from Ryan making weird noises MIKE: Well, it serves him right for eating those pretzels so quickly. > and > me bouncing off the walls (almost literally). MIKE: o/~ Upside down, bouncin' on the ceiling! o/~ CROW: [Crystal] Okay, it was literal. Legolas kept slamming my head into the walls. What a kidder! TOM: [Crystal] And then the security guard called those nice guys in the white coats and we spent the rest of our days in the happy house... the end! > > > > ********************************************************************* > > > > We transferred to the bus about 20 minutes later MIKE: Thrill as we watch a group of people use PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION! > and took it to the > entrance of Playland. MIKE: Which might bring up the question of why you didn't just pile into the King Cab and drive there? TOM: Obviously because then we wouldn't have gotten that RIVETING "Getting ready to leave" scene! MIKE: Of course! What was I thinking? > When we got into the park Legolas was speechless CROW: [Legolas] Gah, horrible! TOM: [Legolas] DEVILS! > he had never seen so much going on in one place, MIKE: Except for maybe, um... Lothlorien, Rivendell, Helm's Deep... TOM: Edoras... Minas Tirith... That huge *battle* she just beamed him away from... hell, even *the mall!* CROW: And don't forget his 2000th birthday when he finally turned legal! > his silent awe was > disturbed too soon TOM: [Crystal] ...causing him to stick his knives into my chest... > as I pushed him along to get our all day ride passes > activated. BOTS: All day ride passes--Activate! > > > > "So what should we do first?" Joe asked. ALL: LEAVE! TOM: [Crystal] How about we stand here and debate on what to go on for five hours, while the audience gets bored to tears! MIKE: [Carolyn] Hooray! CROW: [Joe] Plot, who needs it? > > > > "The swings." I yelled. MIKE: [covering his ears] Aaugh! Crystal! We're *two feet away!* CROW: [spluttering] For God's sake! I know you guys are eighteen but talk like civilized adults for once will ya! > > > > "Why the swings?" Stefan asked MIKE: [Crystal] BECAUSE I SAID SO, DAMMIT!!! TOM: [Stefan, cowed] Yesmymistress... > > > > "It's my tradition." I answered simply. CROW: Tradition? They might as well call Ryan's piggy noise a tradition then! > > > > So we ran over to the huge rotating swing ride. "I don't know if I want > to do this." MIKE: [Legolas] I mean, we just met, and my mother told me about fast girls like you! > Legolas said taking one look at the high ride as it spun > rapidly. CROW: [Legolas] I ain't getting on anything that big and weird built by humans! TOM: [Legolas] Face an army of orcs? Sure. Shooting my bow while riding down a rickety staircase on a small metal shield? No problem. Riding a swing they let five-year-old children on? Mommy, hold me... *whimper* > > > > "Too bad so sad you're coming anyway." CROW: [Crystal] Really, as if your wants even *enter* the picture.... > I said vaulting the barricade > into the line area. (So we didn't have to walk all the way around). CROW: I thought it was just to be edgy and disrespectful... MIKE: [Crystal] All the other people in line got really mad, but what do I care? I'm *GOD!* > > > > "Hey get over it, this is probably one of the least scary ride you'll > have to go on today." Carolyn said hopping to reassure Legolas > but just making him more scared. CROW: [Carolyn] Jump up and down, Legolas! It'll make you feel better! MIKE: I'm with you there, Legolas. One girl jumping round like an idiot over a cheesy theme park, another bouncing like a moron to cheer me up...who wouldn't be scared? TOM: Indeed, he's seen enough bouncing today already to leave *anyone* disturbed. > > > > So we all got strapped into ALL: Aaaaaagggggghhhhh!!! > our individual swings ALL: Phew! CROW: Are you SURE that this isn't a porn 'fic? MIKE: ...YES... no... Yes... Maybe... Pass. Pass. > in the same section. > The ride jerked and the music started, beside me I heard Legolas > whimper CROW: [Legolas] Sorry... My mother was run over by a calliope... MIKE: [Legolas] Gaaak--Crystal! They tied the safety harnesses too tight! I can't--breathe!!! > so I reached over and squeezed his hand. ALL: GAAAAAAH! CROW: Mike, ARE YOU *SURE* that this isn't a lemon? MIKE: ...No. [Mike begins sobbing.] > "Don't worry you'll be fine, CROW: [Crystal] Elves are immortal, right? > I've been on this ride hundreds of times and I'm still here." TOM: [Crystal] Sometimes, late at night, you can see a ghostly image of me, riding, riding around... MIKE: [Crystal] Wanna see my bandage collection? > I > comforted Legolas then let go of his hand because the ride started TOM: [Crystal] ...and ripped it out of its socket... > moving. CROW: [Crystal] And I had to raise my hands during the ride to Stick It To The Man. MIKE: [Legolas] Yes! This is my chance! One good shove! No one will ever prove different! TOM: [Crystal] What was that? MIKE: [Legolas] Nothing! Nothing! > > > > We flew around going up and down for about 5 minutes then we stopped. ALL: Whee. TOM: You see? Now she can fly! The Mary Sue won't stop! Soon she and Carolyn will get telepathic powers and-- MIKE: They were on an amusement park ride... Relax. TOM: [sheepishly] ...Oh. Heh, heh. My bad. > I quickly threw up ALL: Whoa! CROW: Ha ha! You suck Crystal! > the bar CROW: Damn it! > and jumped out of the swing. "So how did you > like it?" MIKE: [Legolas] I've had more fun being picked up and thrown by orcs.. CROW: [Legolas, whispering] You'll all pay. Oh yes, you'll all-[normal] Err, what did you say? > I asked Legolas as I undid the chain keeping him in place. ALL: AIIAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHH!!! TOM: So she *chained* him *down*??? CROW: Okay, Mike, if this isn't fecking elf porn then what the bleeding smeg was THAT?!? MIKE: An unintentional oversight leading to endless hilarity. CROW: ...Oh. MIKE: Now be a good little 'bot and just deal. > > > > "That was great." Legolas answered ALL: [a great deal of throat-clearing] TOM: The master of understatement, Ladies and Gentlemen! > > > > "And we're just getting started." I yelled CROW: [EMI'S FANTASIES principal] No! Thees ees yoor poneeshment! TOM: [shivering] Make it stop! > as I grabbed Legolas' hand > and ran over to where everyone else was. CROW: Legolas fluttering in her slipstream... > "HELLEVATOR, HELLEVATOR!" I > yelled bouncing up and down. MIKE: No summoning spells, Crystal! TOM: [Crystal] We're going straight to Hell! Isn't this fun? > > > > "Ok Crystal we'll go on the Hellevator." Stefan said laughing lightly. CROW: [Stefan] Heh, I said "hell"... TOM: [Stefan] Aw, don't mind silly little Cryssy-wissy! She hasn't had her nappy today! MIKE: [Stefan, bored] Oh, okay, we'll submit ourselves to the care of Satan and all his little wizards, if you *insist*... > > > > So we left the swings, ran around the kiddie rides and down a hill TOM: And then we realized *we couldn't stop!* > to > the 200-foot high tower that was the Hellevator. TOM: [menacing] 5th floor: Dresses, stockings, and SATAN! > We got into the line > and were on the ride before Legolas got a chance to see what it did. MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, Crystal, what are all these body parts lying around? And what's all this red stuff--OH MY GOD, IT'S BLOOD!!! TOM: Geez, there must be *no one* at Playland today. Is this Canada post-WWIII? CROW: Well, it *is* 2007 after all--who knows what might have happened in the interim... > > > > A/N: If you want to see pictures of the Hellevator and other rides in > Playland just go to this site here: MIKE: Oooh! Informative! > and for info on the PNE go here: CROW: Maybe her websites got shot off in the war... > By the way if you live in the Vancouver area or are visiting in the Summer > I would suggest going to Playland for a day it is so much fun. TOM: [Crystal] So screw Disneyworld! Six Flags can go to Hell! PLAYLAND FOREVER!!! CROW: [whispering quickly] Destinygurl is a paid endorser for Playland(TM), a division of Incorporated Corporation Industries Limited. > > > > We got strapped in with John, me and Stefan on one side. MIKE: What, she's not sitting next to Legolas? CROW: Good Lord, she's not taking advantage of him at every opportunity? What kind of fangirl is she? > Carolyn, > Legolas and Joe on another, and Ryan and David on the third. Some > people we didn't know were on the fourth side of the white and red > tower. TOM: [Crystal, cheerily] They were the first to die! > > > > "So what does this thing do?" Legolas asked Carolyn. MIKE: [Carolyn] Take years off your life. > > > > Carolyn grinned evilly. "It goes up." She said pointing in the > direction of the sky. TOM: [Legolas] And... Then what? CROW: [Carolyn] Umm... It comes down really fast? TOM: [Legolas] Riiight... > > > > At this remark Legolas looked very worried. CROW: [Legolas] Oh no, my fake pointy ears will fall off! MIKE: [Legolas] I repeat my prior statement about human built things... > > > > We heard the hydraulics charging and I said. TOM: That's so Zen. > "Smile for the camera." > (There is a camera that takes your picture just before you go) TOM: Man, Mike! I thought America was the only place where privacy was a thing of the past! MIKE: I don't think she meant "go" like that, Servo! CROW: You were trying to keep him hidden, story! Freaked out when someone saw his ears, story! Don't want to be swamped by the press, story! Are you just breaking your own rules for the simple pleasure of breaking rules now? Oh, hey, wasn't Legolas supposed to go back on *Tuesday*?! Oh, but of course, going to *Playland* is more important to you than the fate of the bloody world, isn't it! Must *everything* *revolve* around *you*? Must it? MUST IT? MIKE: Um, Crow, I really think you should calm down. CROW: Calm down? CALM DOWN? We're watching an 18-year-old reach into the dimensional fabric and play with it like it's her own personal plaything and he's telling me to CALM *DOWN*?!? No, Mike! I *won't* calm down! And *you* can't *make* me! I've *had* it with this lame-ass Mary Sue scrub and her trotting coven of compatriots! *I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE*! [now glowing] RAGING... TOM: ... *Oh* no... CROW: [still glowing] POOOOWAAAAH... TOM: Oh. My. God. MIKE: He's got the anime-dark eyes! Everybody run for it! GO GO GO GO *GO*! [Tom and Mike hot-foot it to the other side of the theater, hiding under overturned chairs.] CROW: ...GEYSER... [Crow stands and launches himself in a super jump at the movie screen.] CROW: ...*STORM!* [Three huge cages of energy launch out of the floor in front of Crow, each one slightly in front of the last. The screen at first spider-webs, then cracks into a zillion very small pieces. The move ends with Crow's head melting thhough and exploding, sending smoldering pieces all around the aisles.] MIKE: Ho... TOM: Ly... [Crow collapses to the floor like a sack of wheat.] MIKE: Is... Can it be over? May the torture finally end? [With an ominous slide-*clang* that has "don't you even think of messing with me" all over it, an auxiliary movie screen slides down from the ceiling and locks into place.] PEARL: [over intercom] Nope. Sorry, Nelgeese. Points for style, and all that, but I just can't let this stop now. I've already sold the videotapes, and I tell you we are making a *killing*. MIKE: Damn you, Pearl. You are so... so... *EVIL*! PEARL: [over intercom] Aww, thanks, Mike. [Mike starts screwing another head on Crow.] CROW: ...Wha... Whuh... What the hell happened? MIKE: You blew up. CROW: NOOOOO, *REALLY*? > > > > The speaker crackled TOM: [speaker voice] Hi there, folks. Get ready to barf! > "Three, two, one." ALL: PULL!!! > As it said that we shot into > the air. TOM: We've secretly replaced their safety harnesses with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if anyone notices. MIKE: [Crystal] WHOAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!! TOM: Well, folks, we have our answer! > > > > "WOOHOO!" I yelled as I had quit screaming on this ride years ago. MIKE: And *yelling* is sooooooo different from *screaming*... CROW: [Crystal] And I quit peeing my pants on this ride just last month! > > > > But Stefan did scream and he screamed like a girl. (He's only been on > the Hellevator a couple of times). My hand flew out TOM: [Crystal]...the window and was lost forever. I'll miss that hand. CROW: That'll teach *her* to not keep her arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times... lousy little... MIKE: Man, will she just stop with the disembodied limbs here? > and found his I > gave it an encouraging squeeze. CROW: Careful; you're going to make Legolas jealous. > Stefan smiled back at me. TOM: [Crystal] Even though you're a total wuss, I still like you anyway. MIKE: [Stefan] SHE TOUCHED ME! SHE TOUCHED ME! > > > > We flew up to the top of the 200-foot tall tower MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, I can see the ocean from here! And now I can hear the cry of the gull on the--OH CRAP, I'M NEVER GOING HOME! > then freefell back > down to about 30 feet off the ground then we shot back up to nearly the > top and we floated to the ground. TOM: That sounds... Pretty dull, actually. MIKE: Wow, so it's pretty lame, then. CROW: Yep yep yep... lame city... > > > > "YAY LETS DO IT AGAIN!" I yelled as we were let out of the restraints. CROW: [Crystal] I'M SO HEPPED UP, MY EYEBALLS ARE TINGLING! WHOOO!!! TOM: You let her out of the restraints!? What are you, mad?! > > > > "Later Crystal, later." John answered not wanting to do the same thing > twice in a row. TOM: Boyfriend? You...are...beautiful! CROW: [John] I'm spent! Man, do I need a cigarette... > > > > Suddenly Carolyn came around the side of the tower talking loudly. > "Right in my ear!" She was saying angrily. ALL: Ahhh! CROW: Ewww! MIKE: That's disgusting! TOM: Hey, this is a PG-rated fic! CROW: [Mike Tyson] I was going to punch, but it was time for lunch, so I decided to munch. I bit his ear! I bit his ear! > > > > "What in your ear?" I asked. TOM: [Carolyn] NOTHING! Nothing! I had a hanky to clean it up--I mean, I didn't clean anything up...err.... > > > > "Legolas screamed right in my ear when we went up!" Carolyn answered. MIKE: [Carolyn]: Something about "Hold me, Aragorn!" What the hell's an Aragorn? > > > > "Hey lay off, he's never been on this ride before." Joe said stepping > between Carolyn and Legolas. TOM: Try all you like, Joe, but you're not going to get in Legolas's inner circle. > > > > "You're only saying that because he didn't scream in your ear." Carolyn > grumbled. TOM: Sheesh! Is that Carolyn's idea of logic? MIKE: Ah, Carolyn, hon? You and John are the last entries in the "I don't hate them" file. Don't whine your way out of that... CROW: You know, it just occured to me. Legolas is the vaguely stupid guy who everybody simultaneously likes and hates at the same time. MIKE: Yup. CROW: And Crystal is the bitchy, control-freak boss person. TOM: Uh-huh. CROW: And Carolyn is the slightly rebellious sidekick who serves as the vaguely sane one in a world of idiots. MIKE: Clearly. CROW: And John is the slightly loopy bit character used as a plot McGuffen once and then forgotten about. TOM: Sounds about right. CROW: And the rest of her group are there as the crazy, annoying sidekicks designed to make Crystal look better. MIKE: Right on. CROW: ...Which leaves us with no hero of any kind. [A long, long, LONG silence follows.] MIKE: Umm... Yeah. TOM: No, wait! There's one! MIKE: There is? TOM: Yeah! Glenn! MIKE: ...Glenn? TOM: Yeah! He had the sense to hand over the phone to John as soon as he could! He didn't see Crystal or Legolas, he's that much closer to retirement on his job, and he's having an Imagination Christmas with the security guard! CROW: Imagination Christmas? Yaaaaaaay! [Crow smiles far too happily at the screen.] TOM: Good deed for the episode, check. > > > > "What next?" Ryan asked joining up with everybody else. MIKE: [Legolas] Now I kill you all! Huzzah! > > > > "I dunno what do you want to do?" I asked anyone. TOM: Oh God, no! Nononononononononononono!!! Mike, I *will* tear my head off now, working arms or not! MIKE: Take it easy, Servo! Destinygurl's crazy, not insane! > > > > "Music ride!" Carolyn said happily. CROW: Well, she got over the whole 'screaming in ear' thing quickly! TOM: Damn it Mike! Why does she keep scaring me like that? MIKE: [condescendingly]: Well, you see, sweetie, sometimes people just don't understand what they're doing... TOM: Cut it out, Mike! One Destinygurl's plenty! > > > > "Ok that sounds good." David agreed. MIKE: Wait...who are you again? CROW: [David] Finally, I get a line! TOM: Well, what about Ryan, John, Joe, Stefan, and Legolas? Don't they get a say too? MIKE: Of course not. They're all ratio 1 characters. > > > > ********************************************************************* > 14. An Old Friend MIKE: [Crystal] Ah, Jack Daniels! What would I ever do without you? > > Disclaimer: I've said it once and I'll say it again TOM: [Destinygurl] Diet Dr. Pepper doesn't taste a *thing* like regular Dr. Pepper! > I don't own > anything so stop asking! MIKE: Must be a lot of panhandlers in Canada, eh? > > > > A/N: Wow two chapters in one day aren't you lucky CROW: [Destinygurl] ... I didn't write three? Ha ha ha ha haaaaah!! TOM: Yeah, but so are people who blow $50,000 on number 17 black, so what's your point? MIKE: If by "lucky" you mean "Stop complaining - this could be snuff porn," then sure! > > > > We walked over to the music ride and were disappointed to find it not > operating. MIKE: This ride has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. > "Closed until 11:00am. That's what the sign says." I read, > as I was the first one there. CROW: [Crystal] ...and the only one who could read. MIKE: [Crystal] Let's do it anyway! I'll turn the crank thingie! > > > > "Well this sucks." Stefan said dejectedly. CROW: Correction, dear: This *blows*. TOM: I'm sure glad Destinygurl decided not to dumb down her friends' rich vocabularies. > > > > "No, vacuums suck ALL: [*GROANS!!!*] TOM: Ugh. leave comedy to the bears, Crystal. Please! > this just... just... ok fine this does suck but MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...it's my first fanfic! Cut me some slack here! > only until 11:00." I said. CROW: And I really *don't* want to know what happens after eleven. TOM: And there's another example of that humor that's a trademark of your family. > > > > "Well in the meantime let's get a map and a schedule to plan what we > want to do today." Carolyn suggested. CROW: [Crystal] Nah, let's just wander around aimlessly. Seems to have worked for this fanfic so far... MIKE: It's an amusement park! What's to plan? You wander around from ride to ride, eating overpriced corn dogs and watered-down sodas until you run out of money or time, whichever comes first. Not a great deal of planning needed! > > > > "Great idea." John agreed. CROW: [Crystal] Well of *course* its a good idea! *I* had it, after all! > > > > So we walked over to one of the information booths and picked up a map > for each of us and two schedules. CROW: Phew! Does the action ever...start? TOM: Wow. That's the end of _CURSES_, see ya next week, folks! > > > > "Ok so there's Zydeco Jam, Superdogs..." MIKE: [Crystal] Chili Peppers, Korn, chicken, onions... CROW: [Crystal] Oh, look! Marilyn Manson is playing tonight in the Children's Pavillion! > I started. > > > > "What's Zydeco Jam?" Joe asked. MIKE: Only Legolas may ask the stupid questions! > > > > "Zydeco Jam is 'the ultimate Mardi Gras party' as it says here. CROW: Wow! Does that mean Crystal and Legolas'll finally get some-- mmmphphmmmmphphmmmmphph!!! MIKE: Not now, honey. > I've > seen it once, it is very good and very exciting." MIKE: Pregnant women and people with heart conditions should not attend. TOM: I don't think I've ever heard zydeco described as "exciting" before. MIKE: Then you've obviously never seen an Ultimate Zydeco Championships match. CROW: Oh no, my friend! Z-1 is where it's at for Mixed Zydeco Arts! > I explained, then I > continued." That's showing at 3:00, 5:00, 7:00 and 9:00. Superdogs is > showing at 12:30, 3:00, 5:30 and 8:00." TOM: [Crystal] Britney Spears performs at 1:15, 3:45, 6:15— MIKE: Wait...Britney Spears? TOM: By 2007 it'll be all the work she can get. MIKE: Destiny? Don't you think it'd be better if you posted this fic to your Rolodex instead of fanfiction.net? > > > > "What's Superdogs?" Legoals interrupted. TOM: Good to see someone new asking questions. MIKE: Don't worry about them, Legolas; DC wrote them out of existence back in '85. > > > > "Superdogs in a big dog show that has a different theme every time it > is shown. CROW: The theme next time: wiener dogs. > It's fun to watch and a classic MIKE: A classic different every time! > so we are seeing that no > matter what. TOM: Even if there's an earthquake? CROW: Even if paratroopers storm the park? MIKE: *No matter what!* > And we have to see the pig races TOM: We *do,* do we? > they are so much fun CROW: [Crystal] I'm putting everything I got on Limbaugh! > they > show at 1:00, 2:30, 4:30, 6:00 and 8:00. TOM: At least the pigs get plenty of exercise. > No one ask me what the pig > races are MIKE: [Crystal] ...because I don't know! > because the name explains itself." I continued. TOM: But you haven't said whether they're racing capitalist pigs, fascist pigs, or chauvinist pigs! CROW: Hey, your retarded version of Legolas is in the group. *Nothing* explains itself to him. MIKE: Pig races? Wow, Canada is hillbilly heaven! > > > > "Hey." Carolyn cried reading over my shoulder. "The Lipizzaner > Stallions are back! TOM: [Carolyn] We can use them to draw-and-quarter Crystal! > We have to go see them, they show at 2:00, 4:00, > 7:30 and 9:30." MIKE: Come on, is it *really* necessary to read out all the show times?! ALL: o/~ We're gonna pad...the fic...the fic tonight!!! o/~ > > > > "Yes, ABBAmania is playing tonight at 7:30 and 9:30. MIKE: [Legolas] ABBA? Man, you haven't lived until you've seen Frodo and Merry do their ABBA impression! > They are two > different shows so we should see both." John said happily looking at > the other schedule that he had snatched out of my hand. MIKE: When you can snatch the other schedule from Crystal's hand, grasshopper, then you will have achieved true enlightenment. CROW: Wow! Who knew that these millenial teens of the '00s were so into 1970's Swedish dance-pop! > > > > "All right so lets see Superdogs at 12:30, Zydeco Jam at 3:00, > Lipizzaners at 4:00, the pig races at 6:00, then, at 7:30 TOM: [Crystal] ...the famous 'Running of the Fangirls'... > we'll get > dinner and see ABBAmania, CROW: [Crystal] ...then get beaten up and laughed at for revealing that we like ABBA... > then at 10:30 when both ABBAmania shows are > over we can watch Fire In The Night." I said, quickly deducting TOM: [Crystal] ...this trip as a business expense on my tax return... > how much time it took for each one and when we should get there. MIKE: [Crystal] And if we're lucky, we'll have finished up before we drive Legolas into a berserker rage! TOM: So they're at a theme park with who knows how many rides and attractions, and they spend all that time watching dog and pony acts and washed-up Seventies disco bands? What kind of kids are they? > > > > "Wow you figured that out quick." Stefan commented. MIKE: [Stefan] Have you been reading ahead in the fanfic? > > > > "Years of experience." I explained TOM: [Crystal] I've been shallow and boring my whole life! CROW: Crystal has a skill level of 50 in Scheduling. MIKE: Pretty soon she'll be able to unlock the secret Railroad Timetable sub- quest to rescue the king of Gondolin... > "Anyway it's 10:30 and we have a > while until we have to do anything so CROW: [Crystal] Synchronize your watches, gentlemen! > lets look at our maps and see > what rides we want to go on." TOM: [Joe] I wanna ride "The Flying Shrapnel!" CROW: [Stefan] No, no! the "Balsawood Coaster!" MIKE: [Crystal] We'll do both after we get off the exploding bumper cars! BOTS: [Teen Gang] Hooray! > > > > "Well we have to go on the wooden roller coaster." John said. TOM: Oh, so *that's* what they meant by "fire in the night"! OTHERS: Ah! > > > > "And the corkscrew." Joe continued. TOM: Oh yeah, that's that new Sammy Sosa themed ride, isn't it? > > > > "And the twin flip." David said. TOM: Mary-Kate and Ashley, no! CROW: [Ryan] And don't forget the Happy FunFun Fuzzy Wuzzy Bunny Buggys! > > > > "Hey I thought you weren't a ride person." I said surprised. > > > > "I'm not but I like the twin flip." David explained. TOM: [David] It makes me feel all tingly! MIKE: I dunno. How much of an explanation is "I like the twin flip"? TOM: Oh plenty, if you're this fic's target audience. [All snicker] > > > > "And Hell's Gate." Carolyn put in. TOM: [Legolas] You mean we're *not* in Hell already? MIKE: Man, why hasn't Jack Chick put out a tract against this park yet? Satan's popping out of every orifice here! > > > > "What about the octopus?" Ryan said. TOM: Well, what *about* the octopus? > > > > "Ok, ok we will go on all of these CROW: [Ryan] Ooo ooo, and the Creaky Death Trap! TOM: [Stefan] And the Tilt-o-Puke oh please oh please? MIKE: [David] And I want to go on the one driven by the guy with the lazy eye who never seems to put my restraining bar on right! > but we need to pick what we do > first." I said rationally. TOM: [worried] But what about the *octopus*? CROW: God! This is her idea of rationality? MIKE: Descartes would be...nauseous. > > > > "Then let's pick what is closest to us now and go around." Stefan > reasoned. CROW: [Stefan] Now, if we take the Cartesian 'I think therefore I am' as an axiom, then we can postulate a distinction between body and soul, with the latter being an independent and formless entity which infuses the former with the spark of life that-- > > > > I looked up with a smile. "That would be the Pirate Ship." TOM: As captained by Jack Sparrow. MIKE: [Legolas] *Pirate* ship... hmmm... CROW: Oh great, now you're giving him ideas. > So we turned > right and got in line for the swinging ship. "Wee! ALL: Wee, wee, all the way home... > That was fun." MIKE: [Crystal] I just *love* getting into lines! > I said as we got off a few minutes later MIKE: INTENSE... ACTIONLESS... ACTION!!! CROW: That's it, Mike. I don't *care* what you tell me, *this* is turning into Kefka, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! > > > > "How's everybody feeling? MIKE: [Carolyn] Great! Me, I just flew in from Dubuque, and boy are my arms tired! But, really, it's great to be here at Shiloh! Shiloh, that's like the Catskills with live amunition! Thanks, you folks are a great crowd! > No one going to get sick?" Carolyn teased > cause she knew that no one would. CROW: Nope, don't even have to swing to knock that one outta the park. > > > > "On to the Octopus." MIKE: [Legolas] Great! I'm starving! CROW: Then on to Berlin! > Ryan said pointing to the spinning black ride. MIKE: Excuse me, that's "African-American ride". > > > > So we went on the octopus, CROW: We sang and danced round because we knew we couldn't be found. > then the enterprise. CROW: [Crystal] ...where I met Marrissa Picard and had a great time! Then we tattooed "I Was Beaten By A Bunch of Kids" on Legolas' back! TOM: [Scottish] Cap'n', we canna take much more o' this! > (Sort of like a Ferris > wheel that goes upside-down). Then as we were walking to the scrambler > I saw a familiar face. CROW: [Crystal] Hey, Draco Malfoy! I haven't seen you since you popped out of my TV when I was watching "Harry Potter!" TOM: [blond-haired child] Yes, officer, that's the one! > > > > A/N: Sorry it's kind of a cliffy ALL: [dully] Oh God. CROW: The gut-wrenching, soul-splitting suspense! TOM: o/~ Come right back, I just can't bear it! o/~ > but I couldn't resist. MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...throwing in a completely random plot twist that has absolutely no bearing on anything, that is... CROW: Who is Crystal's newest recruit to this meandering melange of blandness? Will they meet and have an emotionally-charged conversation, or will they just agree about what rides they like all day? Oh! The chilling, spine- tingling *TERROR*! > I know it's a > short chapter but you've already had one today so consider yourselves > lucky. MIKE: Oh we are, just not how you think... > > ********************************************************************* > 15. Still at Playland MIKE: [Martin Sheen] Playland... I can't believe I'm still in Playland. > > Sorry for posting the same chapter twice thanks to > WeasleyTwinsLover1112 for pointing that out to me so here is the real > 15th chapter. TOM: She filed for bankruptcy? CROW: No, you're thinking of American laws. In Canada, Chapter 15 means you sign your first born into slavery to the maple syrup mines. MIKE: "Maple Syrup Mines?" CROW: It's true! > > > > "Kyle? Is that you?" I stopped abruptly and turned to face my old > friend. MIKE: [Crystal] The circle is now complete. When I left you I was but the sidekick. Now *I* am the writer. TOM: [Kyle] Only a writer of evil, Crystal. CROW: [Stan] This is pretty f*cked up right here. > > > > "Crystal?" Kyle said in surprise, TOM: [Kyle, sobbing] How did you find me?! > his face lit up. MIKE: Ol' Searchlight Face is back! > "Crystal! Hey how've > you been?" He asked hugging me. > > > > "I'm great, how are you?" I asked. TOM: [Kyle] Super! Thanks for asking! > > > > "I'm good. CROW: If not *great.* MIKE: [monotone] And you see here how the author's mesmerising dialogue weaves a spell of wonder that sweeps the reader up in the twists and turns of the plot.. > Wow this is amazing, how long has it been since we last saw > each other?" Kyle asked. MIKE: [Kyle] Not nearly long enough. MIKE: [Crystal] Man, I haven't seen you since I put that wet Play-doh in your bed freshman year! TOM: No one will be seated during THE THRILLING MAKING SMALL TALK SCENE!!! > > > > "About four years, since you moved to Vancouver." I answered, CROW: [Crystal] After I brought that rape charge against your dad. > "oh I suppose I should introduce you to my friends. TOM: You don't have to sound so enthusiastic about it. > This is John Hulstien, > Stefan Rempel, CROW: Ah, the missing Oompa-Loompa? MIKE: Knock that off! > Joe Moser, Ryan King ALL: TORNADO KICK! > and David King." MIKE: [John] Together we are... THE ONE AND ONLY GINYU FORCE!!! TOM: Wait a minute... those can't be the names of Crystal's *real* friends, could it? MIKE: What do you mean, Tom? TOM: I mean, come on, Mike! No fanfic writer comes up with names like those! CROW: Yeah, Mike, they usually name their characters things like Valkyrie Starfire or Fabio Bootblack or things like that... TOM: And she's already admitted to taking her diary and sticking an elf into it... how much else of this story could be true? CROW: Most importantly, do her friends know she's telling the world they scream like little girls on amusement park rides? > > > > "Hey, David I haven't seen you since what grade six?" Kyle said TOM: [Kyle] Yeah, remember when I used to beat you up every day and hang you on a coathook in the girls' restroom? Man, those were good times! > clapping his old bowling partner on the back. TOM: "Bowling partner?" CROW: So *that's* what they're calling it now? MIKE: Truth is stranger than fiction. TOM: In this thing, that's not that hard. > "And you're Crystal's > friend, what a small world." TOM: [Crystal] Thanks, I make it that way! > > > > "And then," I continued, interrupting the reunion, "you know Carolyn > and now here's the interesting one, meet Legolas." MIKE: So much for keeping him a *secret*... TOM: It's like "Here's E.T., we must hide him! Oh hey, you wanna meet E.T.?" > I paused letting > that sink in. TOM: [Kyle] You are the blondest Vulcan I've ever seen! > > > > "Um... Um" Was all that Kyle could say. CROW: [Crystal] Okay, enough gawking at the ostensible title character. Let's get back to *me!* > > > > "Wow I haven't seen you speechless since you saw me in my grade seven > grad dress." I commented. CROW: [Kyle] Well, you did spend the entire night with the back of your dress tucked into your panties. And every someone tried to point it out you started yelling "SHUT UP! I'M GORGEOUS!!" > > > > "Yeah well you were gorgeous." Carolyn pointed out. TOM: [Carolyn] Yes, you definitely peaked in the seventh grade. > "Even I was > speechless, it looked like it was a grade 12 grad dress." CROW: [Crystal] Yeah, I was a goddess even then! TOM: If she keeps hitting us over the head with her awesomeness like that, it's gonna break. MIKE: Her awesomeness or our heads? TOM: Take your pick. > > > > "Yeah well you wanna know a secret... I got that dress for only $15 at > Salvation Army CROW: [Carolyn] So how come you told us all you magically summoned it from your TV? > and I got my hair done for free MIKE: Man, and she thinks the *Dutch* are cheap... > because I know a > hairdresser and my mom helped her out with something. TOM: [Carolyn] So I'm easily impressed, then? Well, thanks. CROW: Not-so-subtle subtext: "Put me in the cheapest, loudest rag you can dig up and I'm still HAWT!!!" > Anyway everybody > meet Kyle he's a friend of mine from a long time ago." I said. MIKE: And a galaxy far, far away. > > > > "Hey do you want to hang out with us for a while today?" David asked. CROW: [David] Crystal's always looking for more minions to browbeat! TOM: [Kyle] Um, no? I'm here to pick up chicks, and I can't very well do that with you freaks and your fictional character around. > > > > "Sure but what about him?" Kyle asked pointing at Legolas. CROW: [Crystal] Oh, he can hang out with the best of us! > > > > "We'll explain him along the way." I said as we started walking again. MIKE: [Crystal] I should warn you - it gets goofy. TOM: Man, Crystal can't wait to show off her psychoanalytic skills to everyone, can she? > > > > So as we walked to the scrambler MIKE: [Kyle] So, with a few simple adjustments, you can get me the Playboy Channel for free? > I told Kyle about how Legolas came TOM: [Crystal] You see, when a mommy elf loves a dad-- CROW: [Stan] This is pretty f*cked up right here. > and the shenanigans we had gotten ourselves into while he was here. MIKE: [Crystal, giggling] ...and then he tried to butcher my dog! How wacky was that? TOM: [Kyle] Fascinating. Please tell me more about when you and Carolyn wrestled on the floor... > > > > "That is amazing." Kyle said after I finished my story. TOM: [Kyle] That you could get a character beloved from page and screen for your very own and do so *little* with him! MIKE: [Kyle] I didn't think you could take enough drugs to come up with this and live! CROW: [Kyle] You should write this into a story and post it on the internet somewhere! > > > > We went on the scrambler with Legolas and Stefan in one seat, Joe and > David in another, Ryan, Carolyn and John in yet another TOM: Okay, so which one of them is the stick insect? CROW: They must like it *cozy.* > and finally > Kyle and I in another. MIKE: MARVEL as our heroes RIDE RIDES!!! TOM: Errrrrgggghhhhh!!!! For God's sake Crystal! Must you introduce your screwball friends every...single...time????? CROW: Maybe "Destinygurl" *is* Ratliff's new pen-name after all... > > > > "Doesn't this bring back memories of our grad trip?" MIKE: [Crystal] Remember when I summoned Bilbo Baggins and Spongebob Square- pants and they followed me around all day? > I asked as we went > around. (When I mention grad to Kyle it will be grade 7 grad). TOM: I have no clue what you're talking about, but please continue. > > > > "Yeah we just sat on this ride for almost a half an hour because CROW: [Kyle] ...the drunken carny operating the ride passed out behind the control panel! MIKE: [Crystal] Man, I must have puked up my whole small intestine *that* day! > there was no line-up" Kyle answered. TOM: [Kyle] Doesn't this bring back memories of the line-up I picked you out of when I finally went to the police about you stalking me? > "And remember when we tried to get > Jeffery onto the Hellevator by carrying him through the line?" CROW: Weekend at Jeffery's! TOM: [Jeffery] o/~ Say it ain't so, I will not go, turn the lights off, carry me to the Hellevator... o/~ > > > > "That didn't work too well but it was fun for us to go on it ourselves > anyway." I answered. > > > > "That was probably one if the best days of my life." Kyle admitted. MIKE: [Kyle] God, I'm pathetic. I should eat a Glock! > > > > "I would have to agree with you." TOM: [Crystal] Let's eat a Glock together. > > > > Once we left the scrambler we went on a few other rides such as the > tornado, and the twin flip then we got to the wooden roller coaster. > > > > "I'm not going on." Carolyn said. > > > > "Are you still scared that you're going to fall out?" I teased. MIKE: [Carolyn] The thing's got a picture of a termite on the entrance, for God's sake! > > > > "No but I just don't like it." Carolyn answered. CROW: [Crystal] Too bad so sad you're coming anyway. > > > > Joe also sat out claiming he wanted to get something to eat. MIKE: And wanted whatever he ate to stay put. > > > > "And I'm not going either." David said. "I'm not really a ride person." TOM: Yes, you already told us that... CROW: If he repeats it, it covers up for his having gone on most of them already. MIKE: So Crystal's god-like control over her sidekicks peters out into the abyss... > > > > So after waiting about ten minutes in line we all got on the same > train. TOM: The Night Train to Mundo Fine? > Stefan and Kyle in the third row from the back, Legolas and Ryan > in the second last seat and John and I in the very back. MIKE: In what's colloquially known as the "splatter zone." CROW: K-I-S-S-I-N... Um, "ack?" > As we were > going up the huge hill at the start of the ride John asked me a > question weighing on his mind. MIKE: [John] Why am I here? CROW: [talking car] Why are *any* of us here? MIKE: [John] Whoa. Deep. TOM: [John] Why did you magically summon Tolkien's hottest elf, only to relegate him to the periphery of your group of friends? CROW: [John] Why are Pop-Tarts square? TOM: [John] Why does Diet Dr. Pepper taste more like regular Dr. Pepper? MIKE: [John] Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten but hot dog buns come in packages of eight? > "Where do you know Kyle from?" TOM: Wait--I smell plot! CROW: That might just be your circuitry burning. > > > > "We went to school together ever since kindergarten and we became > really good friends in grade seven. CROW: Took 'em long enough. > Then, when we went to different > schools in grade 8 we kind of stopped spending time with each other. CROW: [Crystal] The restraining order he put out on me kind of put a damper on our relationship, too. > In grade nine TOM: o/~ This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine o/~ > we saw each other in the mall and got to talking, we became > good friends again but a few months later he moved to Vancouver MIKE: Fate does *not* want to keep these two together. > and we > haven't seen each other since." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] And you still owe me ten bucks Canadian, you cheap bastard! MIKE: [Kyle] Fine, fine! Here's your quarter... > > > > "Ah I see." John said understanding. TOM: This is one *long* hill to start with... > > > > Two seats ahead of us Kyle was telling the same story to Stefan. CROW: Except in *his* version, Crystal was nude... > > > > "I dare you not hold on the whole time of the ride." John said with a > smile. > > > > "Only if you do." I answered. MIKE: Ten minutes later... CROW: [Park janitor] Hey, Larry? We got another pile o' meat at the Death Coaster. TOM: [Larry] Aw, damn... Looks like they dared each other not to hang on. Dumb kids... > > > > We past the top of first hill and started to rocket downward. "Yes! > This is what I live for!" I yelled as we sped up the next hill. MIKE: Whoo! Aim high, Crystal! TOM: Crystal? Yes, I've got a Dr. Joy Brown on the line? She'd really like to speak with you. > > > > When we got off the roller coaster we walked over to where Joe, Carolyn > and David were standing. CROW: [David] Man, that Crystal is such a bi--oh, hi, Crystal! We were just talking about you! TOM: [Crystal] I KNOW, FOOL. > "Hey did you know that the wooden roller > coaster is operated entirely off gravity after the first hill." I was > saying to everybody. TOM: [Crystal] Hey! Hey, why's everybody--what's so funny? Come on, guys, let me in on the joke! MIKE: [Stefan] You are the joke, Crystal. TOM: [Crystal] ... > > > > "That's Crystal, the fountain of unusual knowledge." Stefan said MIKE: More "unusual," of course, than "knowledge." > patting me on the back. TOM: Secretly taping a "KICK ME" sign. > > > > "It's true though. That's why they can only run one train at a time > because if the weight of the trains were different then they might run > into each other." I finished. TOM: Not to mention that whole "Too Much Weight = Pile o' Coaster" thing... > > > > "Fascinating." Carolyn said sarcastically. CROW: [Carolyn] And if I cared, that would mean something. TOM: C'mon! Do the eyebrow raise! You can't say that without the eyebrow raise! > > > > "Ok so it's 11:00 now ALL: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR ELF IS?! > so we have an hour and a half to do stuff before > going to see superdogs." John started. CROW: [John] Oooh! Maybe we'll see Marvin and Wendy while we're there too! > > > > "Actually we have only an hour to do stuff because we have to be there > early to get good seats MIKE: Oh yeah, it's *always* standing room only for the weekday afternoon showing of "Superdogs"! > and we probably want to get lunch on our way, > right?" I put in. MIKE: [John, exasperated] Okay, that's it! She dies! Who's in? TOM: [Legolas] Dibs on her head! CROW: [Stefan] I call the heart! MIKE: [Ryan] Dibs on her spleen! TOM: [Carolyn] Save me a couple of limbs! > > > > "Good Point." Ryan agreed. CROW: Her ability to state the obvious never ceases to amaze them. > > > > "Lets go on the Gravitron." Joe suggested. TOM: Thrill as the AMAZING POWER OF GRAVITY holds you down! MIKE & CROW: [deadpan] Whee. > > > > "I'm definitely sitting out." John said > > > > "Why?" I asked curiously. MIKE: [John] I hate gravity. I just keep thinking it's trying to kill me. TOM: [Crystal] Oh don't be silly, John! Nobody wants to *kill* anyone here! I mean we might *say* that, but we really don't mean it! CROW: [Gravity] Actually the boy is quite astute; I really AM trying to kill him, but so far no success; he's quite wiley, like his old man. > > > > "Don't you remember last time I went on the Gravitron at Playdome, it > nearly made me sick." John answered. > > > > "Right I remember now." I said. CROW: [Crystal] I'd forgotten how much of a sissy boy you could be... MIKE: [Crystal] Man, was *that* a laugh riot! ...Uh, sorry. > > > > So we went on the gravitron. (For those of you who don't know what that > is it is a ride that spins so fast that you stick to the walls.) MIKE: So it's just a giant spinning glue gun? CROW: Wait a minute, that's not gravity! That's centrifugal force! TOM: I'm suing Destinygurl for false advertising! MIKE: What would be the point, Servo? She doesn't own *anything*. She's been going on and on about that fact for copious length all fic. Haven't you been reading the disclaimers? > > > > "So what do we do now?" Stefan asked once we got off the Gravitron. MIKE: I suppose going on an adventure like the Goonies is right out? > > > > "Well why don't we walk through the game section and go on Hell's Gate CROW: Abandon every hope, all ye who go on here! > and the corkscrew." I suggested. > > > > "Sounds good." David agreed. TOM: Half this trip's been agreeing! > > > > So we walked over through the section of the park that all the carnival > games were located in. "Ok, Legolas, don't talk to any of the people > operating the games or make eye contact with them unless we tell you, > you can otherwise you'll get sucked into playing a game you don't want > to play." Carolyn warned. TOM: [Legolas] What? Not even the archery booth? CROW: [Carolyn] *Especially* not the archery booth! TOM: [Legolas] But I'm an ELF! CROW: [Carolyn] What does that have to do with anything? TOM: [Legolas] Elves! Archery! Do the freaking math, woman! CROW: [Carolyn] I don't understand your point, therefore it's completely unimportant. Moving on! > > > > "Ooo look at that frog." I cried pointing to a big lime-green frog. MIKE: I thought she just said not to make a fuss. CROW: The carnies don't make eye contact with *her.* > "I > am definitely getting that one if it's the last thing I do!" CROW: Tragically, Crystal perished today getting a big lime-green frog. TOM: Hey Mike, what did she just say about not getting suckered into a carnival game? MIKE: [looks up] Eh, I'm sure it was nothing important... > > > > "I want one too." Carolyn said seeing what I was pointing at. CROW: [Crystal] That lime-green frog's only big enough for one of us, sister! > > > > "Later though." David said pushing us along. MIKE: David gets the cat-herder role for this chapter. > > > > We rode Hell's Gate and then lined up for the corkscrew but once > Legolas saw what it did [Crow hits a button on a stopwatch.] CROW: Do you realize she just went fifteen minutes *our time* without mentioning the charadter the story's supposedly showcasing? > he put his foot down. "This is where I'm going > to refuse." He said. MIKE: And thus began the rampage the media would dub "Slayland." > > > > "Refuse what?" I asked. MIKE: God Crystal! What else is he going to refuse? To stand around watching you clowns do the ride? TOM: [Legolas] I refuse to take part in this fanfic anymore! All right! That's it, author! Stop the fanfic! > > > "Refuse to go on this ride." Legolas answered. MIKE: [Legolas] Trust me, you do *not* want to see elven motion sickness! > > > > "All right then just go wait over there." I said pointing at the exit. > "We won't be long." > > > > A/N: Something tells me leaving Legolas alone was not a good idea TOM: [Gaston] He might start getting ideas, and *thinking*... > is my thought correct [A loud crashing noise can be heard from offstage.] A FAMILIAR VOICE: Hey, this isn't Playland! MIKE: Huh? What's going on out there? > stay tuned for the next chapter coming soon. TOM: I suppose we should go out and investigate, huh? CROW: As long as it isn't Simon Cowell again... [shudder] MIKE: Come on, you guys... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Mike, Tom and Crow step on stage only to discover... Legolas, the famed Prince of Mirkwood and lust-object of fangirls everywhere, standing around in a borrowed pair of jeans and a T-shirt as if he had walked straight out of the fanfic and onto the Satellite of Love.. This is quite probably because he did.] MIKE & THE BOTS: [shocked] LEGOLAS? LEGOLAS: Oh hey, guys, do you mind if I crash here for a while? MIKE: Sure, I guess... but you're the... the... um, Legolas... LEGOLAS: Yes, I know, I'm THE Legolas. I swear that's how everybody reacts to me these days. Ever since that Valar-forsaken movie came out, I haven't had a moment's privacy! TOM: Oh, don't mind him; Mike would freak out at a pound of Stilton! So, Legolas, what have you been up to these days? LEGOLAS: Well, Gimli and I got a place by the campus with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin; Aragorn's been crashing on my couch lately--he just broke up with Arwen, the poor dope. I've been working part time and going to night school... there's not too much call for elven warriors now- adays, but I get by. CROW: Wow... do you see anyone else from the Fellowship anymore? LEGOLAS: All too often... [shudder] All too often... TOM: So, Legolas, we *must* know: what's the deal with this fanfic? Did you lose another orc-killing contest with Gimli or something? LEGOLAS: Well, actually, Crystal is my boss's daughter, and he asked me to babysit her for a few days while he went on a business trip, because he knew I needed the money. But Crystal--she's a few silmarils short of an iron crown if you ask me... She thinks I magically popped out of her TV set or something. All I did was walk in during the power-out... I was out there knocking for two hours and I really needed to go to the bathroom... and here they are running around like I'm trying to kill them! Okay, maybe I *did* try to kill their dog... but he really annoyed the hell out of me! MIKE: Yeah, I know. Back on earth I had a neighbor with a rat terrier once... kept yapping all day and all night. I don't blame you, man. Yet there's one thing I'm wondering about. You sound like a reasonably intelligent elf; how come in the story you sound so... well... *stupid*? LEGOLAS: You know, everyone expects me to be high-and-mighty Legolas Greenleaf, elven prince of Mirkwood, all proud and haughty and ancient and wise and beyond reproach and all *godlike* and crap. Eh, I like to play with their minds a little. CROW: [nudges Legolas] So what's this I hear... about you and Gimli? LEGOLAS: Grrr... We're just friends, okay? Man, I swear, people have been asking me that for the last 6000 years! Ai Valar! Go on a boat trip with a guy and suddenly everyone thinks we're an item! There's absolutely nothing at all between us; we're just REALLY... GOOD... FRIENDS! Sheesh... CROW: [backs off] Gee... sorry... LEGOLAS: And if you *must* know, I'm *actually* dating Boromir. MIKE: Wait, I thought he was dead. LEGOLAS: He got better. [Commercial sign flashes.] MIKE: I think, err... I think we'll be right back. [MST3K bumper.] CROW: [V.O.] So... what's this I hear... about you and Hald-- [*PLUCK!* *TWANG!* *thud*] [Fade to black. Roll commercials. Find out how you can save money on our auto insurance from a reptile with an English accent. Find out how Hotwire prefers its customers to be insensitive thieving bastards. Find out how three Dell interns tracked across the country handing out digital cameras--and all you did on your internship was xerox a bunch of crap and make coffee for $6.25 an hour. And if this depresses you too much, you can find out how you can conform to American culture's impossible standard of constant cheerfulness by taking some Zoloft. See, it worked for this limbless cartoon happy face. But what exactly are "sexual side effects"?] (((((((((( END OF PART 5 -- OTHER PARTS COMING SOON! ))))))))))) Special writing help with the Legolas skit by Typewriter Monkey. The Legolas skit was partly inspired by "Bagenders", a fanfic series featuring Legolas getting into wacky situations in present-day Earth, which surprisingly doesn't suck. Check it out at http://bagenders.stormpages.com All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. Have you called *your* best friend a humiliating nickname today? ----- Last updated: 21 September 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > "So how did you like it?" I asked Legolas as I undid the chain keeping him > in place.' MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Part 6 of 9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, Chan-wu Yi, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random, Typewriter Monkey and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [Mike, Tom, and Crow enter the theater.] > ********************************************************************* > 16. We Lost Legolas! MIKE: Hey, where did Legolas go? I thought he followed us into the theater... CROW: Oh, he left. He had to get back to the fanfic. MIKE: Darn... and I was so looking forward to swapping hair-care tips... > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112:Yes in know that leaving Legolas alone was not a > good idea *punches self hard* MIKE: [Cheering] Do it again! Do it again! TOM: HARDER!! HARDER!! CROW: Ah, nothing like giving the audience what it wants! > mental note don't punch self again that > hurt anyway here's the chapter. MIKE: [Destinygurl] mental note don't write another chapter that hurt > > > > A few minutes later we were on the ride. MIKE: Magic carpet? TOM: Of our lives? CROW: Taken for a...? > Once we got off the corkscrew TOM: I think that's about the fastest dismissal yet. > I told everybody yet another interesting fact, CROW: [Crystal] Did you know that elephants have no knees? Or wait, maybe that's giraffes.... > but this time it was > from my own life. TOM: [Crystal] Did you know I can eat cereal with a fork? > "You know the first roller coaster I ever went on was > a corkscrew but it wasn't here it was in Germany." I said. CROW: [John] BOH-ring! What's next, posting your diary on the Internet? Narcissist. > > > > "That actually is fascinating." Stefan said CROW: [Stefan] ...if you're dain-bramaged. TOM: Bet he enjoys watching paint dry, too. > before Carolyn could say > anything. CROW: But we all know she'd say the same thing... right? > > > > But Carolyn was not even listening; MIKE: She'd finally given up. > she was looking for Legolas who was > not at the spot where we told him to stay. MIKE: Bad Legolas! Bad dog! CROW: [Crystal, sighing] I knew I should have used the leg shackles. > "Hey guys where in Legolas?" MIKE: Man, that Carmen Sandiego can hide *anywhere*! > She asked. TOM: [Crystal] I answered. MIKE: [Legolas] Guys? I'm right behind you. > > > > "I don't know... wasn't he supposed to be here?" John asked, his voice > rising in panic. TOM: [Crystal] In fact, it took on a pronounced girlish squeak. CROW: [John, panicky] I mean, I mean...what will Aragorn say if we don't get him back home before sundown? Oh, Elrond's gonna *kill* us! MIKE: [Legolas] People, just turn around! I'm right here! > > > > "All right we should split up and look for Legolas, TOM: [Crystal] That way you third wheels won't be round when I find him! MIKE: [Legolas] ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION?!? > Kyle you stay here > in case he comes back. So meet here in 10 minutes ok... ok." I said. With > that we rushed off in different directions. TOM: [Kyle] Oh... Hey, Legolas! MIKE: [Legolas] ... > I ran over to the PNE > section hoping that something had just caught Legolas' eye and he had > just wandered off. CROW: So in other words: Legolas = Kitten? TOM: I'm betting Crystal'll find him. Any takers? MIKE: Nope. CROW: Not a chance. > > > > The crowd started to thicken TOM: As the cornstarch was folded in... > and I stopped. ~This is no use.~ I > thought. ~I'm never going to find anything in this mess.~ CROW: It's a hard lesson, but hey, better luck next time. > I was > considering calling out Legolas' name MIKE: I suppose it's not even worth it by now to mention the whole 'keep Legolas a secret' thing. > but then thought better of it, CROW: *What* now? TOM: Yeah, a part of that didn't quite parse for me either. MIKE: First time for everything, I suppose. CROW: Mind you, it *would* be pretty amusing for her to go running around, "Legolas! Are you here? Come on, we need to go on the tilt-o-whirl! Where are you?" > suddenly an idea struck me. CROW: [rolling a few 10-sided dice] CRITICAL HIT! > "Mellonim!" I called out, then again. TOM: [random bystander] She's looking for someone named "Melanin"? Who would name their kid after skin pigment? MIKE: [random other bystander] Parents must have been hippies. > "Mellonim!" MIKE: Sylvia Plath? TOM: Pliny the Younger? CROW: Ernest Hemingway? TOM: Kurt Vonnegut? CROW: Mao Zedong? MIKE: Chief? CROW: McCLOUD! MIKE: [shakes his head] Where did *those* riffs come from? [The BOTS snicker.] > > > > This time I heard a returning call. MIKE: PACKERS! TOM: YO, JOE! CROW: HOOTY-HOOO! ALL: WHO LET THE DAWGS OUT?!????!!! > "I'm over here." MIKE: [Legolas, Brooklyn] Yo, I'm ovah heah. Whaddya, bloind? CROW: [Legolas] Now I am over here drowning! TOM: Oh, the memories... > > > > I walked towards the noise and sure enough I saw a familiar blonde > headed elf. I ran over and hugged him. "Oh I'm so glad I found you." TOM: [Legolas] I was lost? When did that happen? MIKE: Well, there was a potential exciting plot twist gone in what, ten paragraphs? > I said happily but then my voice took on an exasperated, angry tone. MIKE: Entirely by itself, too! CROW: [Crystal] Damn it Legolas, I thought I told you no autographs! > "What the heck were you thinking walking away from us like that? MIKE: [Legolas] One - I decided to have some fun on my own, since you people are duller than dry white toast. Two - I figured I could handle myself for a while, being a centuries-old warrior and all. And three - if you EVER use that patronizing tone with me again, I'll strangle you with your own hair. > Do you > know how worried everybody is?" Legolas hung his head sadly. CROW: [Crystal] Then he licked my hand, and I gave him a Milkbone. > "Legolas... > Legolas look at me." I said taking his head into my hands and making > him look me in the eye. TOM: Legolas comes complete with over twenty-five points of articulation! > "Don't worry nobody is going to be mad at you. CROW: [Crystal] ...Well, except for me, I gue--URK! TOM: [Legolas, wiping off an imaginary knife] And now... for the author! MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...Eek! Help me! Aaaaaahhhh! > You just need to remember that this is not your world and you can't > just go explore by yourself. MIKE: [Crystal] I mean, look at you! An immortal, highly trained warrior can't possibly handle solo travel through the treacherous world of PLAYLAND! TOM: Yep, Moria might have been safe and familiar, but it's nothing compared to *Playland!* > You have no money and no idea where you > are plus you stick out like a sore thumb. CROW: [Crystal] Being the only blond Adonis in Canada... TOM: No, he doesn't! No one's noticed him in eight chapters. In church, at HappyFunWhateverLand, anywhere! MIKE: Remember the 'he'd never seen a mall before' comment when she took him to his second mall? I don't think even Destinygurl can take reading this story. > I'm only asking you to be > more careful, ok?" I said softly but sternly. CROW: Tough love saves the day! > > > > "I'm sorry." Legolas said quietly. TOM: [Legolas, muttering] Sorry you're still breathing... > > > > "It's ok just don't do it again. TOM: [Crystal] Or I'll take away your allowance for a *week*! > Come on we have to get back to the > others." I said taking his hand and leading him back to the exit of the > corkscrew. CROW: [Crystal] Now come on my little man...let's get you home and tucked in. I've got a bowl of chicken noodle soup that has Legolas written all over it. MIKE: Ugggghhh... At this point the only thing that could redeem this woman is throwing herself in front of a truck to save Legolas. TOM: But you're forgetting that that would invoke the biggest SI cliché of all: The Noble Sacrifice. MIKE: [Resigned] You're right... There's no saving this. CROW: I'll start the Last Rites. > > > > When we got back everybody was waiting for us. MIKE: Read: everybody else gave up early. > Carolyn breathed a sigh > of relief when she saw us come around the corner. CROW: [singing] They'll be comin' 'round the corner when they come... > "I'm so glad Crystal > found you, we were beginning to think the worst had happened." She > said. TOM: [Carolyn] I was afraid we'd have to do normal things and depend on ourselves for amusement... hey, *wait*... > > > > "Aren't you glad you weren't lost... just misplaced." I said. CROW: Like keys... MIKE: [Legolas] I knew exactly where I was - away from you! TOM: Well, at least this fic's politically correct. > > > > "...Sure..." Legolas answered. MIKE: His spirit seems *nicely* broken. CROW: [Legolas] Grrrrr.... doesn't she even *realize* that I have pairs of socks that are probably older than her *entire civilization?* > > > > Kyle looked at his watch. TOM: [Kyle] It's Morphin Time! > "Oh it's almost 12:00, I'd better be getting > back to my sisters CROW: Kyle was raised by nuns? > but I might see you again today." He said. TOM: Well, he's apparently divine. > > > > "Are you going to ABBAmainia tonight?" Carolyn asked. CROW: [Kyle] Not even if you paid me. MIKE: [Kyle] HAHAHAHAHA--oh, you're serious. TOM: [Kyle] No, I enjoy music. Thanks! > > > > "Yeah, why?" Kyle responded. TOM: [Carolyn] I want to know where not to go. > > > > "We can meet up then." Carolyn suggested. > > > > "I'll see you then." I called at Kyle's retreating form. TOM: [Kyle, calling back] I'd rather cauterise my nipples with a Zippo! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I'm free! Free! Woo-hooooo!!!! > > > > "We should go get lunch before the show." David prompted. > > > > "Hey Carolyn do you remember what we did on our grade 7 grad trip?" CROW: [sigh] Yes, you went to Playland. Now get a move on! > I said nodding towards the small Baskin Robbins behind us. She nodded. > "Remember what we did?" I asked. Carolyn nodded again and smiled. CROW: [Carolyn] Oh yes...whip cream, ice cubes, handcuffs-- MIKE: Let's try and keep it PG-13, okay? > "Do you want to do that again?" I asked. CROW: I smell Wacky Hijinks approaching. TOM: Nah - that's just Mike. MIKE: HEY! > > > > "Ok, why not." Carolyn answered. MIKE: [Carolyn] I've got no self-respect. TOM: [Carolyn] I'm just your lesser avatar, anyway! > > > > "Great... you guys go and get your food and meet us at the fake cow in > ten minutes, k." I said. CROW: If this involves Polaroids and a garden gnome, I am SO out of here! > > > > So ten minutes later we met at the fake cow MIKE: As previously implied. TOM: Did we slip into a Guerin-fic alluva sudden? CROW: No presumption of attention-span will be made! [Thanks, 'Misery Senshi'.] > outside the agriculture > barns, which held the 4H competition and walked to the stadium that > houses Superdogs. "What's in the bag?" John asked. TOM: [Crystal] Nude pictures of Hugo Weaving. I've got a thing for elves. MIKE: Have you ever sat and *stared* at it? Marvelled at its *beauty*? > > > > "You'll see soon enough." I taunted. TOM: [Crystal] OIAGY! OSHO! YAHOO! CROW: Now *there's* an entertaining image. > "Legolas I see you a footlong > hotdog, TOM: o/~ I see a little foot-long hot dog of an elf-- o/~ MIKE: [Legolas] No, I absolutely *will not* do the Fandango! CROW: [Crystal] ...and raise you this bit of relish. > think you can handle that whole thing?" MIKE: It's getting more and more like a bad romance novel. TOM: Is there any other kind? CROW: I'm waiting for his purple-headed warrior to snake into her quivering mound of love pudding. MIKE: Eww! I *told* you to give Pearl that book back.... > > > > Legolas shrugged. CROW: Legolas, you're killing the trash-talking mood! > We got inside the dim lit stadium and I led everyone > over to the left side about halfway down. > > > > "Hey don't we want to be front row, centre." David asked. TOM: [Crystal, British] No, we want tea, Earl Grey, hot. > > > > "Not for this show." I responded. CROW: [Crystal] The less you see of it, the better. > > > > "Ready to see what we got for lunch?" Carolyn asked. TOM: [John] I got Chicken-On-A-Stick! CROW: [Ryan] I got a turkey leg! MIKE: [Legolas] I got a rock. > > > > Everybody nodded. I took from the bag a bucket of something. CROW: Yum yum yum--nothing like a nice bucket of *something* for lunch! > "Feast > your eyes on two litres of royal chocolate fudge ice cream." I said > pulling off the lid. MIKE: And any possible interest fizzles away in an anticlimax of banality. TOM: So the big 'grad trip' mystery is that they ate ice cream for lunch. > > > > "Oh, you guys are sick." John said MIKE: [John] Eating *ice cream*! I suppose you harlots drink *soda pop* as well! > looking at the dark rich chocolate CROW: Shaft! MIKE: [deep voice] Can you dig it? > ice cream. > > > > "Or will be." Joe put in. > > > > "Anyone want some?" Carolyn asked pulling some spoons out of her > backpack. MIKE: [John] No thanks, I'd prefer my lunch not to come back up in an hour. CROW: So what's in *her* backpack, huh? TOM: That's not a backpack - it's a +20 Bag of Holding! > > > > Everyone took and started to help themselves. MIKE: Yes, let's all share in the sickness! > So we sat there eating > ice cream as the stadium filled up around us. MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...With water. TOM: What a way to go... > > > > "Why is this hotdog so absurdly long?" Legolas asked, [ALL begin guffawing and laughing uncontrollably.] > taking another > bite of his now 6 inch long hotdog. CROW: [Python] That's a rather personal question, sir. TOM: ... Suddenly, LOTR slashfic writers all over the net start giggling uncontrollably... > > > > "You know, I've never been able to figure that one out." I answered > truthfully. MIKE: [Bad Chinese accent] To gain enlightenment, you must take this pebble from my hand...*or* explain to me why Playland hot dogs are so absurdly long. TOM: ...*Wow.* CROW: Wait, what was the question? > "Guys, do any of you know?" TOM: [wiping tears out of his eyes] Why's she asking the guys? Wouldn't the girls be more inclined to answer a question like that? > > > > "Bragging rights." Stefan answered. [ALL begin screaming with uncontrollable hysterics.] MIKE: That was almost clever. > > > > "And what's in hotdogs? They're good." Legolas asked. CROW: Wanna keep that opinion? Don't ask. > > > > I smirked. "Mystery meat." I answered shortly. > > > > "What's mystery meat?" Legolas asked. CROW: Ya know, orcs' testicles, trolls' bladders, dwarves' eyeballs... MIKE: [Crystal] HELLO! IT'S A *MYSTERY*! TOM: [Crystal] Elf--the other white meat. > > > > "You don't want to know." I replied. "Not if you like hotdogs." TOM: Mike! Something's wrong! That was two clever bits in a row! MIKE: Don't worry, Servo. Legolas will say something stupid and set things right. > > > > "No, really I do." Legolas prompted. MIKE: See? What'd I tell you? TOM: Thanks, Mike! > > > > ~Oh well you know what they say, TOM: The only good fangurl is a dead fangurl? > curiosity killed the cat... MIKE: ...and made it into hot dogs. > make that elf.~ MIKE: 'cause, ya know, Legolas is an *elf*, not a *cat*, so curiosity killed the *elf*; oh God I'm not laughing. BOTS: Nope. MIKE: We're dead meat. CROW: [snickering] Meat...hot dogs... > "Ok if you really want to know... Animal by-products." MIKE: It's Crystal's "Fast Food Nation." > I got a > strange look from Legolas. "Waste, garbage, CROW: ...Johnny Longbow's stew ingredients... > basically anything you > would be revolted to cook up and put on your dinner table like internal > organs, lungs, kidneys, etc, etc..." I answered. TOM: We use everything but the squeal! MIKE: So it's basically haggis, then? CROW: Or Spam. > > > > Legolas paled and looked at his hotdog in disgust. MIKE: [Legolas] Ugh--I miss wholesome Shire sausages already! > "Would you like me > to put your hotdog in the garbage for you?" I asked, because this was > the same fact that put me off hotdogs. MIKE: And when Crystal the Wonderchick goes down, so does everyone else. CROW: Ah, then I can definitely see then why you'd want to conceal that from Legolas until he ate half of one...hmmph, some 'friend'. > Legolas nodded. I got up and > took the hotdog from Legolas and walked to the end of the row but > before I left I took a bite of the hotdog and pretended to savour it, TOM: WHY?! Are you some sort of sadist? MIKE: At this point, you have to ask? > Legolas looked like he was going to be sick. CROW: [Crystal] Silly elf! Can't handle his waste meats and nitrates! > > > > I got back just as the music to start. *Twilight Zone playing.* MIKE: [Serling] Picture a girl, alone in her room. No friends, no life, just her dad's computer and a 28.8 kbps modem connection. It is a world of banality, childish fantasy, and really *really* stupid elves. There's a white-walled room up ahead, and you enter...The Crystal Zone. > The > dogs came out and did the obstacle course one at a time. MIKE: The music for this obstacle course is the 'Twilight Zone' theme? CROW: Sure, a *definite* classic! TOM: Wow! Does the excitement ever... start? > > > > Half an hour later we left the stadium. CROW: But they didn't say why to sit back from the front! TOM: Just take a calming breath and forget about it like they did. > "Done!" I said triumphantly. CROW: [Crystal] An entire day completely wasted! > > > > "Done what?" Stefan asked. TOM: [Crystal] Done blowed up Legolas's characterization real good. > > > > "The ice cream." Carolyn answered. > > > > "How can two 18-year-old girls finish all that ice cream in a half an > hour?" John asked in wonder. MIKE: I'll take "Things Clueless Males Would Say" for $1000, Alex! > > > > "It's easy." I said. "You just go like this." I held an invisible spoon ALL: SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!! CROW: [John] There is no spoon. > in my hand and pretended to eat with it. TOM: [Crystal] And now, if you'll just point me to the nearest... [urp] > > > > "Very funny." John said sarcastically. MIKE: Then he smashed in her head with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick. > > > > "Hey don't blame me I inherited my sense of humour from my dad." I > protested. CROW: Oh, *that* explains it. TOM: Sure... It's all *genetics'* fault... MIKE: When all else fails--blame genetics. ALL: o/~ Got too much chlorine / In my gene pool! o/~ > > > > "Can we go on more rides?" Legolas asked. MIKE: [Legolas] I still have some dignity left! > > > > "We've done good Crystal." Carolyn said. "We've made another ride > fanatic." TOM: Well, fortunately I'm too mature and intelligent to make a joke about *that*. [TOM pointedly looks at CROW.] CROW: [bored] Generic off-color underage interracial group prostitution addiction riff. [MIKE *BLINKS*.] TOM: Thanks. CROW: No problem. [MIKE begins twitching.] > > > > "Lets go on the Rainbow and the music ride." Joe suggested. CROW: o/~ Somewhere over the rainbow/Way up high/There's a land that I've heard of/where all bad fanfics die! o/~ > > > > > "Great idea." I agreed. TOM: And on that pointlessly positive note, the chapter meanders to a close... > > ********************************************************************* > 17. Are We Ever Going To Leave Playland? CROW: Ha ha ha ha.... YOU'RE STUCK HERE!!! TOM: No. We're stuck here forever. The outside world is just a cruel myth meant to taunt us with the futile hope of escape.... [weeps] [MIKE pats TOM on his dome] > > Disclaimer: Hey look at this, I own it all... no... wait, I don't it's just > a misprint. ALL: Oh, another one? MIKE: [holding his head] Alright, irony *overload*. > > > > A/N: Stupid homework, stupid, fat homework, we hates it we does. MIKE: Y'know, how well *did* Sméagol do in school anyway? TOM: Now *there's* an entertaining image. CROW: [Stan] This is pretty f*cked up right here. MIKE: Alright, knock that off. > That should explain why I haven't updater CROW: Updater? I don't even know her! > in a while but still I'm sorry. TOM: Any of that homework in English, perchance? MIKE: Not as sorry as we are, Crystal. Believe us. > > > > KindCalypso: I'm glad you like my story. MIKE: [Destinygurl] Too bad no one else does. > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: Thank you again for you continued reviewing. Yes > I thought the hotdog part was funny too. TOM: [Crystal] I'm sure glad you also found my cruelty amusing! > > > > So we went on many other rides including the Hellevator again TOM: Getting the second picture taken for their disturbing yet edifying "before and after" series. CROW: [baby] Hellevator go down da hoooole.... > then we > spotted a haunted house. ALL: JINKIES!!! > "Hey that's new!" I exclaimed. TOM: [Crystal] I've never heard of a theme park with a *haunted house* before! > > > > "Yeah lets check it out." David said. CROW: Hmm, brand-new haunted house no one's noticed before. In any other story I'd expect a hair-raising supernatural plot adventure. But here? They'll walk through it in two sentences and then go eat something. > > > > So we went into the large haunted house more to make fun of it than > anything. Joe tried to scare us by jumping up behind us a yelling. CROW: [Joe] And I gave her the gun...AND I SHOT HER! TOM: [Joe] Peter Jackson burned the only print of Return of the King! MIKE: [Joe] But I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? > "Woooo, the boogie man is coming." CROW: [Crystal] He was then cut off with a gurgling gasp as Legolas sliced his larynx out by reflex. Wasn't that a laugh riot? > > > > "No, oogie man." Carolyn and I started at the same time. "Oogie LAY-DY TOM: Oh, Eegah! MIKE: [Crystal] Wuzza-funza whatsis. > (lady)." We finished, putting emphasis on the last word. [ALL sit in utter shock.] MIKE: Holy... TOM: ...God. CROW: [solemnly] Congratulations, Crystal. Thou hast made your first obscure reference. Thou hast done well, young Padawan. Thou gainest a level. TOM: So, does that mean that we'll see Ellen Rimbauer throwing Crystal off the balcony? MIKE: We can hope. > > > > > "O K you guys are scary CROW: Hey, at least the haunted house is finally living up to its name. > and you've seen Rose Red WAY too many times." > John commented. TOM: [Carolyn] John? MIKE: [John] Yes, Carolyn? TOM: [Carolyn] Your name is John. Don't tempt me to change mine to Ellen. MIKE: [John] ...Ulp. > > > > "Whatever you say John." I said. MIKE: [John] Well then I say, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.' > > > > We continued on through the haunted house and were so busy making fun > of the lame scariness BOTS: o/~ Mystery Haunted House Theater 3000!!! o/~ MIKE: o/~ TWANG! o/~ > that we didn't even notice when we left Ryan > behind. CROW: Oh, I get it. MIKE: What? CROW: The haunted house is a metaphor for the fic...which is a haunted house in text form. > > > > We came out into the sunlight and Legolas brought to our attention that > the loud one was gone. CROW: Along with the heads of several "gollums". > "Hey guys Ryan is missing." Legolas said > worriedly TOM: [Legolas] He won't find us again, will he? MIKE: [Crystal] My plan worked perfectly! > as he had taken quite a liking to him. MIKE: There went what little respect for this version of Legolas... > > > > "So?" Carolyn asked. CROW: [Carolyn] Plenty more annoying no-dimensional characters where he came from. > > > > "This is a lot different than when you discovered that I was not with > you." Legolas commented angrily. MIKE: [Crystal] Well of course. We actually *care* about you. TOM: Yes! YES! Strike them down with your anger! > "Aren't you worried?" MIKE: Okay, since Legolas made a pretty astute observation, how does Crystal react? Act like he never said a word, dismiss him as a dimwit, or give some half-assed explanation that wouldn't satisfy anyone? I choose "C." TOM: I'll go with "C" as well. CROW: Please- "B!" How many times has Crystal talked to Legolas like he just fell off the short bus? > > > > "Look, Legolas, a thing with Ryan is that he MIKE: [Crystal] ...he...lost his brain in a fishing accident... > sometimes wanders off for > no reason and we have learned not to worry." I explained. TOM: For obviously Ryan can take care of himself and Legolas can't. CROW: [Legolas] But...maaaaahhhhhm...all the other elves get to run off by themselves! MIKE: [Crystal] Stop whining! > "But if > you're still worried then John would be happy to go back in and look > for him." CROW: Dissed! I WIN! WOOO! > > > > "Why me?" John asked. MIKE: The part of John will be played by Nancy Kerrigan. > > > > "Cause I chose you." I answered. MIKE: Errand Boy, I choose you! TOM: Stepnfetchit attack, now! > So John left us and went back into > the haunted house. CROW: We're making a *good* start on whittling the cast down here. > > > > About 5 minutes later Ryan came running out followed closely by John > and Ryan was yelling something to the effect of. TOM: [Ryan] Oh no! It's the stones again! > "RUN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS > ARE COMING!" MIKE: *sigh* There's one of these idiots in every geek clique. > He didn't stop when he reached us so we had no choice but > to follow. TOM: [Carolyn] Oh, look... Ryan's flashing back again. CROW: [Crystal] I'll get the trank gun... > > > > "Why are we running?" Carolyn asked keeping in stride with me. CROW: [Crystal] Duh! So he can't catch us! > > > > "I don't know but I'm going to find out." I answered sprinting up to > Ryan. I ran a little passed him and did a quick pivot, TOM: [Crystal] ...breaking my ankle trying to do a 'quick pivot' whilst sprinting... > planting my feet > I put my arms out and braced for impact. Ryan crashed into me with full > force, BOTS: Clothesline! CROW: [Randy Savage] Ooooooh yeeeeeaaaaah!!! > if I hadn't taken tae-kwan-doe lessons I would have fallen over TOM: What-kwan-Wha? MIKE: o/~ WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! went the L33Tness! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! went our skulls! o/~ > but I managed to slow Ryan down enough to talk to him. [ALL break out in hysterical laughter.] MIKE: Ah yes, 'Slow Running Crackhead with Outstretched Arms.' Ancient taekwondo secret. > "Why are we > running around like crazed maniacs?" I asked. TOM: [Ryan] Do you want a Legolas fic or don't you! CROW: *Now* she wants a reason? MIKE: Hey, better late than never. > > > > "Because." Ryan whispered. "I'm trying to get David on the log ride." MIKE: Oh, well that makes... HUH?!? TOM: Sheesh! He makes it sound like a matter of national security whispering like that! CROW: Maybe it's really a model war sub. > > > > "How do you plan to do that?" I asked. CROW: [Ryan] By running round like a crazed maniac! Geez, aren't you paying attention? > > > > "I will keep running and run right into the log ride, hopefully > everyone will just follow me." Ryan said still whispering. TOM: Can one really *whisper* whilst running flat-out? MIKE: Sprinting through an amusement park? I guess SARS got to Vancouver after all. CROW: [British] Bring out your dead! > > > > "Ok then, sounds good." I said slowing down and going back to Carolyn. CROW: [Crystal] My godlike speed allowing me to do so with ease! > > > > "So what'd he say?" Carolyn asked. MIKE: [Crystal] 'You have no chance to survive make your time'? > > > > "Ryan says that the oompa loompas tried to capture him and he only just > got away." I lied. CROW: [Crystal] Reality is for suckers! > > > > So we continued running towards the log ride, unbeknownst to all but > Ryan and I. TOM: Ryan and *me*! You're trying to sound smart, but you just look stupid! > As we ran into the line-up I started giggling incessantly, MIKE: [stadium seller] Reefer! Get yer reefer here! > Carolyn thought I had finally lost it ~little does she know.~ ALL: [Crystal] I've lost it a long time ago! MIKE: Feh! She never had it in the *first* place! > > > > Nobody figured out where we were going until we got to the loading > platform. Ryan stopped and burst out laughing. MIKE: [Ryan] All right, who put nitrous oxide in my inhaler? > "I can't believe you > guys fell for that one." MIKE: Err... Technically, Freak Boy, it hasn't actually worked until they're actually *on* the ride. TOM: Ah, the author's vision: confusion wracked with ambiguity. > He said. TOM: 'Let there be Light.' > > > > David talked to the people operating the ride and convinced them to let > him jump over the narrow strip of water and leave the ride. CROW: So you can cut in line to get *on* a ride, but ya gotta beg to get off one... MIKE: Oh I dunno...sounds like a neat amusement park to me. BOTS: Mike! > The rest of > us got in one boat and it was pretty squished. (they're only supposed > to hold 6 people.) MIKE: It takes convincing for the employees to let someone exit the line, but they'll cheerfully exceed the boat's safe capacity? CROW: Safety violations are all in a day's work at Playland! > > > > "How did I end up in the front?" Joe asked. > > > > "Because we all called the back first." Stefan answered. MIKE: Ah, so *that's* the Canadian version of calling shotgun. > > > > Carolyn got the very back then Legolas, Ryan, Me, John, Stefan and Joe. > We went up the first, smaller, hill and at the top Ryan said. MIKE: [falsetto] I'll get you, my little pretty! And your little dog, too! > "Reeehh!" CROW: [badly dubbed] Oh no! Godzilla is attacking the Playland! TOM: [Joe] You said it, Chewie. Where did you dig up that psychotic fangurl? > > > > "Shnirrgginnn!" CROW: Lick meeeeeeeee!!! ALL: AIIAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! > I yelled as we sped downward. TOM: [Crystal] I REGRET NOTHING!!! > Just before we splashed > into the pool at the bottom of the hill I felt myself being pushed down > on top of John. Luckily CROW: [Crystal] ...he knew I was saving myself for Ryan. > a few seconds later we started up the big hill. > "Lean back." I told John. He passed on the message and with the gravity > we were able to sit up straight again. TOM: Thanks to GRAVITY! > > > > I turned to Ryan. "What did you do that for?" I asked loudly. > > > > "It wasn't me it was Legolas." Ryan protested. "Apparently Carolyn told > him that if he leaned forward he wouldn't get wet." > > > > "Tell him the point of this ride is TO get wet." I said. MIKE: You know, there's probably a less complicated way to see Legolas in a wet T-shirt... TOM: [Ryan] But the old Chinese man said not to get elves wet or feed them after midnight! > As we started > to go down the BIG hill I screamed in delight. MIKE: For the remainder of this scene, the part of Crystal will be played by Tommy Pickles. CROW: It's so innocent that I feel dirty.... > > > > SPLASH! We were thrown into the pool at the bottom, everyone got > soaked. TOM: [Crystal] Run-on sentences are a mark of functional illiteracy, I don't use them. > We turned the corner and were greeted by a spray. MIKE: [Crystal] No, kitty! CROW: [Ryan] I thought you got him fixed! > "Ahh, it's > the revenge of David!" I yelled. MIKE: [intones] Play Land II: The Wrath of Nerd. TOM: Revenge is a dish that is best served cold. It is very *cold* in Canada.... > > > > "What?" Legolas asked. > > > > "David must've paid $1 to use one of the water cannons to shoot at > us." TOM: If that's what you get for a buck, how much for live rounds? > Ryan explained. TOM: Jesus wept. MIKE: Stefan listened. CROW: Crystal domineered. > > > > We got off the ride dripping wet and David was waiting for us. "You > know what David." I said. MIKE: Spade? TOM: Bowie? CROW: Letterman? > "I think you need a hug." So I gave him a > huge hug getting him all wet. > > > > "Thanks." David said sarcastically. > > > > "Any time." I responded. > > > > "You know what I want right now?" Carolyn said. TOM: A third--or even second--dimension? MIKE: A coupon for half-off your next Shoney's buffet? CROW: A MAAAAAN?! > "An elephant ear." CROW: It's Mike Tyson versus Dumbo, live from the Vancouver Civic Center, in the pay per view event of the year. > > > > I gasped. "Me too!" I yelled and we jumped back TOM & MIKE: [Crystal & Carolyn] Kiss myself! Good God! > from each other. (We > always do that when we discover that we like the same thing or want it > at the same time.) MIKE: [Getting frustrated] Would someone *please* start making sense? PLEASE?!? TOM: My rule of thumb is that if it takes seventeen chapters to reveal a tic like that, it's not *that* important. > > > > "Ok so lets go, it's almost time to see Zyedco Jam anyways." Stefan > said. CROW: Hi-yo, Non-Sequitur! Away! TOM: Stupid question by Legolas in 5... 4... 3... 2... > > > > "What's an elephant ear?" Legolas asked as we walked. ALL: BULLS-EYE! MIKE: [Crystal] Well, you take an elephant and a big knife, and--is this a trick question? > > > > "An elephant ear is a flat round pastry shaped kind of like an elephant > ear. TOM: I'll take 'Circular Definitions' for $800 please, Alex. > They deep-fry it and cover it with things like garlic, jam or > cinnamon sugar. TOM: [Crystal] I, personally, prefer the pure plantation sugar known to man, but that's just me. > Elephant ears have numerous other names like beaver > tails and whales tails." I said. CROW: Eat your favourite species! TOM: Oh, the suspense! *Will* they get Elephant ears?! *Will* they get to see Zydeco Jam?! > > > > We got our elephant ears and went to see Zydeco Jam. MIKE: [to TOM] Yes. Yes, they will. > > > > My grandma and your grandma CROW: Uh.. What? > > Were sittin' by the fire. TOM: Oh, no... Oh, God, no... MIKE: You'd think she'd give *some* warning that she's about to plagiarize some more song lyrics. CROW: [grandma] Let's start another musical interlude for no good reason! ALL: YEE-HAW! > > My grandma told your grandma CROW: Yo Adrienne, wouldja pass me muh teeth? TOM: [old lady] I think children *are* getting stupider! > > "I'm gonna set your flag on fire" MIKE: Grandma, no! > > > > Talkin' bout CROW: Mairzy doats and dozy doats and little lambzy divy... > > Hey now! Hey now! MIKE: Um...don't dream it's over? > > Hey now! Hey now! > > Iko, Iko, unday CROW: [Knights of 'Ni'] Zoop boing! > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? > > Jockamo fee nan? TOM: You tell us! You're singin' the frickin' song! > > > > Look at my king all dressed in red CROW: o/~ In the Court of the Crimson Kiiiiii-iiing o/~ ALL: o/~ Ahh-ahhhh-ahh o/~ > Iko, Iko, unday. CROW: Aah, the King in Yellow's still more interesting. > > I betcha five dollars he'll kill you dead CROW: Or, perhaps just shoot ya down like a dog on the highway. TOM: Hell, I'd kill her for four. CROW: I'd do it for three. MIKE: One single, solitary dollar. TOM: Mike Nelson... BOTS: KILL THAT MARY SUE! > > Jockamo fee nan? > > > > Talkin' bout ALL: SHAFT! CROW: Can you dig it? > > Hey now! Hey now! TOM: o/~ Don't dreeeam it's ohhver o/~ > > Hey now! Hey now! > > Iko, Iko, unday > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? CROW: Par-laze vooz fran-caze? NON? Then you need the all-new 'INTERNATIONAL LOG'! > > Jockamo fee nan? TOM: [Legolas] Hark! 'Tis a song of my native land! > > > > My flag boy and your flag boy > > Were sittin' by the fire. TOM: Is that some secret NAMBLA code? > > My flag boy told your flag boy MIKE: [flag boy] I have no idea what a flag boy is! > > "I'm gonna set your flag on fire" MIKE: The part of the flag boy will be played by Orachi Iori Igami, who has been watching the Star Wars trillogy and drinking heavilly. TOM: [screechy old lady voice] This is why we need a Constitutional amendment to protect against this kind of hooliganism! MIKE: They're Canadian, Tom. TOM: [same] This is why we need a Constitutional amendment to protect against this kind of hooliganism, eh! > > > > Talkin' bout > > Hey now! ALL: o/~ You're an all-star / Get your game on / Go play o/~ > Hey now! ALL: o/~ You're a rock star / Get the show on / Get paid o/~ > > Hey now! Hey now! TOM: [Artie from "Larry Sanders"] Hey now! > > Iko, Iko, unday > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? > > Jockamo fee nan? CROW: Hey! Up yours too, pal! > > > > See that guy all dressed in green ? TOM: [Irish] Aye, and I'm goin' to steal 'is pot o' gold! > > Iko Iko unday MIKE: That's Celtic for 'They're always after me Lucky Charms!' > > He's not a man He's a lovin' machine. MIKE: Thrill as Kermit the Frog visits match.com. TOM: He's faster. Stronger. Better. CROW: Be sure to read the manual before operation. > > Jockamo fee nan? > > > > Talkin' bout > > Hey now! Hey now! ALL: HEY NOW! > > Hey now! Hey now! TOM: [singing] Don't dream it's oh-oh-ver... CROW: Man, that never gets old... > > Iko, Iko, unday CROW: [Bronx] Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin'...to *me*?! > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? > > Jockamo fee nan? CROW: o/~ Joc-ka-mo Martians...Joc-ka-mo Martians...o/~ > > > > See that guy all dressed in green ? MIKE: I'm afraid to now. > > Iko Iko unday > > He's not a man ALL: Once... I was... a maaaaaaan... [*DING!*] > He's a lovin' machine. MIKE: Mr. Green Jeans, NO! TOM: Or maybe it's Paul Pierce going to Woodstock? CROW: And for only 14.95, he'll give ya his sweet, sweet Yoshimitsu 2000 loving! > > Jockamo fee nan? > > > > Talkin' bout CROW: o/~ Bite me! o/~ OTHERS: o/~ Bite me! o/~ CROW: o/~ Bite me! o/~ OTHERS: o/~ Bite me! o/~ > > Hey now! Hey now! TOM: o/~ Repeat the song end-less-ly o/~ > Hey now! Hey now! CROW: I'm becoming reminded of the cautionary tale "The Song that Cried Hey now." > > Iko, Iko, unday > > Jockamo feeno ai nan? > > Jockamo fee nan? CROW: I suddenly feel an urge to watch Wings, Cheers, and L.A. Law on NBC... > > > > And the song went on and on like this for what seemed like forever. CROW: Yeah! Now you're gettin' it Crystal! Mike, if she keeps riffing herself so well, I say we leave! TOM: You know, I think I've got it! This whole story is a *satire* of the crushing conformity and banality of the modern suburbanite teen-age world! Trapped by peer expectations to enjoy pre-packaged corporate music, amusement parks, and constant one-upsmanship within their peer group, today's teenager, rather than looking for a creative outlet, surrenders to the overriding consensus and willingly leads an empty, shallow existence in servitude to the 'teen' culture since there seems no way of escape! It all makes sense now! [Beat.] CROW: Servo, that's a crock of-- MIKE: Let him cope in his own way, Crow. > > > > "How long is this song?" I asked after about 10 minute of it. Everybody > just shrugged. TOM: I'll take "Taste of Your Own Medicine" for $500, Alex! > > > > After Zydeco Jam we wandered through the barns. "HOLY COW THAT'S A BIG > COW!" Legolas exclaimed. TOM: [British] Bwaarp! Legolas Greenleaf, you are fined one credit for violation of the verbal morality statute.... CROW: Legolas saying "holy cow". After seeing rear-projected lizards pretending to be dinosaurs, weird omnipotent people with brains in frying pans, tiny hyperintelligent beings running around in another dimension... I can now truely say that I have, indeed, seen everything. MIKE: I think I read somewhere that if he starts saying "Sweet!" or "Cool!", the Seventh Seal breaks... > > > > "Big yes, holy no." I joked. CROW: Well, unless you're a Brahmin or something. > Ryan burst out laughing but the rest of > them just groaned. MIKE: The mirthful live longer, you know. CROW: Or they would if the grumpy didn't get to them first. > "Sorry, old habits die hard... MIKE: [Crystal] I can't seem to break being mind-numbingly dull. > anyway, meet Big Ben, > the biggest cow in Canada." TOM: *Charmed.* CROW: [Crystal] Or as she's known in the States, Roseanne Barr! > > > > "Wow." Legolas stated bluntly. CROW: [Frightened] MIKE!!! MIKE: Calm down. I think that just strips the finish of the Seal. TOM: [Legolas] You people have *no* lives. > > > > We walked over to the bird section. "That is one ugly bird!" Ryan > commented of the turkeys. TOM: [Ryan, British] But put a bag over her head, and I'd still shag her. > > > > "Ugly and stupid." I corrected. CROW: You don't want to offend the ugly and smart birds, after all. > "You know they will actually drown > themselves in the rain, yup, they will stand in the rain with their > mouths open for hours, until they drown." TOM: o/~ So blame it on the rain, yeah yeah! o/~ CROW: Stupid jerks... [The fourth wall rumbles threateningly.] MIKE: Funny, that reminds me of something... or someone... > > > > "Wow, they are stupid." David said. TOM: [Crystal] Is there an echo in here? CROW: [David] Not as stupid as Ryan, though... MIKE: [Ryan] HEY!!! > > > > "CHICKEN WITH A 'FRO! CHICKEN WITH A 'FRO!" Carolyn yelled. CROW: Whoa! She's gone off again! Use the taser! We gotta put 'er down! TOM: *BZZZZTTTT* MIKE: [Carolyn] --eek! > > > > "It does, that chicken has a 'fro!" I said. CROW: That chicken got soul, brotha. TOM: I especially appreciate the author's detailed description here that lets us visualize the moment... > > > > At 3:30 we left the barns and went to a different stadium to see the > Lipizzaners. TOM: So... No real point to the "Chicken with a 'fro" thing, other than to yell out "Chicken with a 'fro?" MIKE: Looks like. TOM: Oy... Why can't these guys do drugs or have unsafe sex or go on shooting rampages like normal teenagers? > "What smells so good?" Legolas asked. MIKE: [Crystal] Smells like they're cooking up the cock fight losers! TOM: [Ryan] That's capitalism, baby! > > > > I sniffed the air. "Mini doughnuts." I said happily "Lets get some!" CROW: Surely not a problem for *you*, dear... > > > > So we got 4 bags of mini doughnuts with cinnamon and sugar on them. TOM: Sound more like cereal than doughnuts... MIKE: But remember, you can't spell "doughnut" without "ugh." > "This has got to be the best fair food ever!" John commented. TOM: [John] I haven't thrown up or had one bout of explosive diarrhea all day! MIKE: I'd say that's on par with saying the Black Death is the best plague ever. > > > > We went and saw the Lipizzaners and then went on some more rides, TOM: After that thrilling description, it's no wonder they *had* to see those horses! CROW: Well, no lyrics to quote, mini doughnuts already described... how would they stretch it out? > got > some cotton candy and played some games. CROW: Spin the Bottle? > > > > We played roll-a-ball, which just happened to be TOM: ...an incomprehensible cinematic disaster helmed by once-respectable director John McTiernan, made from a mediocre 1975 James Caan dysto-pic. MIKE: That's 'Rollerball', Tom. TOM: Whatever. > the game with the frog > as a prize. I was # 8, my lucky number. TOM: For the *eight* circles of... Wait, for the *eight* deadly... MIKE: Oh, just give it a rest. > We started the race but all too > soon it was over, I looked at who had won and, low and behold, it was > John. MIKE: [Dully] And the crowd goes wild. What a surprise. Yaaaaay. > "You are so lucky." I said jealously MIKE: [John] Guess 8 wasn't so lucky after all, hmm? > as he got handed the big > lime green frog. TOM: *If* you know what she means. CROW: You know, with those words she has just described that plush frog better than any other character. MIKE: The frog I can picture. The rest are just names without faces...or even vague general appearances. > > > > "Here." John said thrusting the plushie into my hands. "You take it, I > don't want it." > > > > "Are you sure... Thank you so much!" I said hugging him. MIKE: [Crystal] o/~ I'm in love with a lime green frog / A lime green frog loves me / I don't know how it happened to me / But that frog was won by number three! o/~ > > > > At 5:30 we went to see the pig races. I looked up at the sign above us > and saw a big number 2. "K guys we're rooting for number 2." I said. CROW: [southern] That was #2! TOM: WOO! > > > > "Why?" John asked. TOM: [Crystal] Because I *said* so, fool! > > > > "The sign look at the sign." I said. MIKE: [John] 'Eat at Joe's'? How does *that* help? TOM: [Crystal] It is a sign from God. We *must* cheer for pig number two. > > > > A little while later the pigs started racing. "Go two." I yelled. CROW: [Crystal] Move it, pork chops, or you're *bacon!* > In > the end #3 won with 2 in close second. TOM: [Crystal] So I ordered number two's immediate slaughter and feasted raw upon its bloody innards...the price for failure. > > > > At 6:30 we got dinner at Hunky Bill's Perogies and sat down on the > grass in front of the Telus Concert Stage CROW: Sponsored by Telus, digital cable for the *unpatriotic* Canadian. > where ABBAmania would be > playing. > > > > A few minutes later Kyle showed up with his two little sisters in tow > (A/N: when I say little sisters one is 1 year younger than us and the > other is 2 years younger.) CROW: As a result, they will be speaking about nothing but boys. MIKE: Destinygurl's writing style seems to be, "Why just say it, when I can explain it in detail?" > > > > "Good to see you again." I said. TOM: [older sister] Oh, *you're* here. MIKE: [younger sister] The feeling is *not* mutual, you walking automaton of corporate consumerism! > > > > "Yeah it is, hey can you save us a spot, we haven't gotten diner yet?" > Kyle asked. CROW: [Crystal] But weren't you just o/~ sitting at the corner of the diner o/~ TOM: [Carolyn] o/~ do-doo do-doo-- o/~ MIKE: Stop it, I hate that song. > > > > "Sure no problem, just be back before 7:15, k?" I said. TOM: Nope, not if he has to drag that diner all the way there. CROW: Naw, security wouldn't like that anyway. > > > > "K." TOM: [Kyle] ...is the eleventh letter of the Roman alphabet, used in Classical Latin for words borrowed from Greek.... > Kyle responded heading away. TOM: [Tommy Lee Jones] Will you people STOP calling me?!? CROW: So since this story is basically Destinygurl's life with an elf unconvincingly added, she didn't even speak to Kyle's sisters, who in return utterly ignored her. MIKE: That's pretty much it, yeah. > > > > Just after that a small white thing flew passed my face and landed > squarely on John's forehead. TOM: [Ryan] I bit my wrist so I can die! See how it bleeds! MIKE: Ick, no! CROW: Come on, Mike. You *know* that's how Ryan's going to end up. MIKE: True, but nevertheless... > "Joe!" I said sternly. MIKE: [Crystal] If you don't behave, I *will* send you to your room! > > > > But before I could do anything another small white thing was stuck to > Stefan's glasses. "John!" I scolded. CROW: [Crystal] The turkeys've found us, and they're really pissed off! > > > > "What's going on?" Legolas asked. > > > > "Spit balls." I answered grimly. "It's something the guys do for fun." CROW: Sure... When you're *twelve!* MIKE: More like when they're *eight*! TOM: Only wholesome, time-tested diversions for *this* group! > > > > The fight between the 3 boys was getting furious. David and Carolyn > looked at each other, shrugged and joined in. TOM: Carolyn is a man? CROW: [Stan] This is pretty f*cked up, right here. > > > > I was about to yell at them to when a spitball hit me right in my > mouth, TOM: Big enough target. > I spit it out and glared at Stefan. MIKE: She can recognise his spit by taste, you see. > "Hobbit." I growled > dangerously. "You're going down." TOM: [Crystal] I'm going to plow down Bagshot Row and turn the Shire into an industrialized collective! > I took off the lid to my cup, sucked > an ice cube into my mouth and ground it into small pieces (a little > smaller than popcorn kernels). CROW: THRILL to the most electrifying spitball fight EVER caught on text! TOM: WE! DON'T! CARE! *pant* *pant* Muh muh muh Mike! Make her stop! MIKE: [gloomy] I wish I could. > > > > Joe took this unwise opportunity to say what he had been thinking. TOM: [Joe] Energy conservation begins with the individual! > "You > know technically you two just made out." He said. ALL: ...*WHAT*? MIKE: 'Technically'? What universe is he from? > > > > "Bad time to talk Joe." I said firing 3 particularly large pieces of > ice TOM: ...despite grounding the cube into 'popcorn-kernel-sized' pieces only seconds earlier... CROW: [Crystal] You *dare* speak to me? TOM: Fanboy. MIKE: Anyone else having visions of 'Weird Al' at the helicopter in 'UHF'? BOTS: No. > at him and, despite looking like they were going in a different > direction, TOM: Spit curve balls! CROW: Curve spit balls! > hitting him right between the eyes. MIKE: They're Magic Ice Shards! Get Oliver Stone on the line, quick! > Then I let loose a > barrage on Stefan for including me in this in the first place. TOM: [Crystal] FEAR ME! CROW: Fanboy. MIKE: Wow. In adition to Tae Kwan Do, motorcycle repair, mad cooking skilz, boating, Mario Party-playing, singing, and knowledge of two cities, she *also* masters the school of physically-impossible ice-spitting. Strange. > > > > Spitballs were flying everywhere and no one was safe so I taught > Legolas how to point and shoot. TOM: Er, I think the master-ARCHER probably understands that concept. > Finally there was no more ice or > napkins so we stopped. MIKE: Whew! I'm glad that's over. Things were starting to happen. > A little while later Kyle came back with his > food. TOM: How *convenient!* > > > > At 7:30 ABBAmania came out and started to play Chiquitita, then they > played Fernando. "Where is all the Saturday night fever stuff I want?" > I asked. MIKE: At the BeeGeepalooza next door! Duh! > > > > "I think you just got your wish." Kyle said as Waterloo started > playing. CROW: Featuring lead singer Napoleon Blown Apart. > > > > Some people were starting to dance so I stood up and grabbed John's > hand. "Dance with me." I said MIKE: Oh God, she's a raver, too. > and we started to swing dance. ALL: Va va va vooooooom!! CROW: Yeah, that's what Saturday Night Fever was all about - Swing Dance! > > > > After a few seconds Carolyn was dancing with Stefan and everyone was on > their feet. CROW: The other guys just stood on the Wall of Shame. TOM: I boldly predict that Crystal will end up teaching Legolas how to dance. CROW: Sucker bet. MIKE: In the hands of another author, that could be a cute, goofy, and possibly charming scene. Here, it'll just be another chapter in "Legolas: Prince of The Short Bus." > > > > "This is an extended version of this song." I said TOM: Oh Crystal, you know *just* what to say while dancing! > > > > "Butterfly." John said and we did the complicated swing move where we > made a figure 8 with our arms with our heads in the circles of the 8. MIKE: Oh, you learned that in P.E. Class! You're not fooling anybody! > > > > When waterloo ended TOM: ...Bonaparte was exiled to St. Helena, and Wellington was soon prime minister of Britain. > I thanked John. "It was my pleasure." John said. > "I haven't felt this exhilarated in a long time. MIKE: [John] You really light up my life. Truly you bring joy everywhere you go to everyone you meet. Thank you, Crystal, for making us all laugh and love...again. TOM: They're in high school. They feel 'exhilarated' every other week! > > > > "Yeah me neither." I said. "Hey Legolas, your turn." I pulled him up as > mamma mia started. TOM: And the nightmare begins in earnest! CROW: I don't know about you, but I picture the little girl standing on Tessio's feet during The Godfather wedding scene. > > > > Legolas, being an Elf was very graceful and he caught on quickly. CROW: Oh yeah, Legolas *is* an Elf, isn't he? I'd forgotten. > "You're doing very well for someone who has never danced swing before." > I commented. TOM: [Legolas] Baby, I *know* how to Jive and Wail! > > > > "Well, Elves by nature are fast learners and we all learn to dance when > we are young, it's just a different kind." Legolas explained. MIKE: Which is a shame, really: he would have liked to put on "Breakin' 3: Elvish Jubilee." > > > > "Well then I'm going to challenge you, do the butterfly." I instructed. > For one of the most difficult moves in swing dancing Legolas did very > well, although, I did end up leading. MIKE: So Tom was right, and I was wrong. But you can just tell it hurt Destinygurl to write that... CROW: [Destinygurl] Okay, so Legolas *isn't* completely ignorant and helpless... > > > > Carolyn was now dancing with David and it was funny to see them because > he was so mush taller than her. TOM: Not only that, but dancing with oatmeal's kinda hard. > David was about 6'1" and Carolyn was > 5'3". > > > > Dancing Queen started and I extended a hand to Kyle saying. "My I have > this dance?" TOM: [Kyle] Hey, Legolas - how do you say "OH HELL NO!" in Elvish? > > > > "Of course you can." Kyle said, almost a little too eagerly. MIKE: [Crystal] What gives? Usually guys run away like frightened animals whenever I ask them to dance... > > > > Once the first half of the performance was over, both Carolyn and I had > danced with each of the guys in turn. TOM: Even in *dancing* she has ADD! > I volunteered to get more drinks > for everyone on one condition, MIKE: [Crystal] ...that all of them sign in blood a pact to become my eternal slaves... > that there would be no more spitballs. CROW: [Crystal] 'Cause if there is, I swear I'll turn this crowd right around! > I came back with 8 coke slurpees and one orange. CROW: [Crystal] I never recovered from the spitball barrage that greeted me. > > > > "Hey, you remembered that I like orange slurpees better than coke." > Kyle said happily. MIKE: [Kyle] Your correct recollection of mundane details makes me euphoric! CROW: Who needs heroin when you're in the presence of Crystal? > > > > "Where's Joe?" I asked. > > > > "He went to get some homemade chips." David answered. MIKE: [Crystal] What? TOM: [David] Hash. MIKE: [Crystal] All right! > > > > "All right! Slurpees!" John said. > > > > "Yup slurpees for everyone." I said. MIKE: [Crystal] Of course I had to hock Legolas' knives, but he'll never miss 'em! > > > > A few minutes later Joe came back with a bag of freshly made potato > chips. I reached out and took one. "Hey!" Joe said. TOM: Where you goin' with that gun in your hand? MIKE: I'm goin' to shoot my old lady. Caught her messin' round with another man. CROW: And THAT, dear Destinygurl, is how you use song lyrics! > > > > One by one everyone took a few chips. "Quit it, quit it. Quit narkin' > on my stash!" Joe yelled. CROW: On the way out, Joe was politely "detained" by a nice man in a black coat who wanted a few words with him. > > > > "Joe you're not black." Carolyn said. MIKE: [Joe] Joe knows Joe aint black, but can ya dig it? Can ya? > > > > "Sure I'm black." Joe retorted. CROW: So meet Joe Black! > > > > "Sugar what." John said. MIKE: As the discussion threatens to become controversial, John helpfully suggests he's about to suffer from hypoglycemia. > > > > "You know, a white person pretending to be black is not as bad as a > white person pretending to be Asian." David said. TOM: And yet, neither is quite as bad as you pretending to be human. MIKE: [Crystal] Hey gang, let's play 'Insult the minorities'! Gotta hit every group to win! > > > > Knowing whom David was talking about CROW: ...unlike the reader... > I continued. "Or a Dutch person > who feeds the stereotype of being cheap." MIKE: Or a fangurl with an ego the size of Neptune. TOM: *sigh* Again with the cheap thing! CROW: Destiny-hun... Inside jokes are fine and dandy. Inside *chapters* are a bit much. > > > > Ryan coughed and it sounded suspiciously like MIKE: coughcrystalcough... > "John." > > > > We started laughing hysterically, John looked over at us and asked. CROW: [John] Are you really as lunk-headed and insensitive as this scene suggests? > "What?" TOM: [John] ARE YOU REALLY AS LUNK-HEADED AND INSENSITIVE AS THIS SCENE SUGGESTS!? > > > > This just made us laugh harder. MIKE: Ha ha, racism is fun! > "W-we're making fun of him and he > doesn't even know what we're talking about." Carolyn said, still > laughing. CROW: [Carolyn] Tee-hee! It's funny, cuz he's stupid! MIKE: You get the feeling Crystal and her pals like to knock over people on crutches and run? TOM: Hey, guys, there's something I gotta do... Let's get out of here... MIKE: Well, um, okay... CROW: Anything to escape the constant torment of Crystal's derogatory stereotypes and namecalling, I suppose. [Mike picks Tom up and the three exit the theater.] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Mike, Tom and Crow are standing around an assemblage of musical instruments and microphones. Mike and Crow are wearing garish, green polyester shirts, bellbottomed slacks, and puffy brown wigs. Mike is by a keyboard/synth drum machine set; Crow has a guitar strapped on. Tom is wearing a red-and- white embroidered dress covered in sequins and a long blonde wig. Tom is standing next to a microphone. Gypsy is behind all this, pulling what looks to be a huge satellite dish through a chain held in her mouth.] CROW: So, Servo... I thought your dream to create an ABBA cover band was just *that*... a dream. TOM: Not so, my friend! It occured to me while reading the fanfic that ABBA is coming back in a serious way. I mean, even Crystal and her ragtag band of teenagers from British Columbia can't get enough of their melodious Scandinavian synth-disco. So I said to myself, now's the time to strike while the iron is hot and exploit their new-found fame among today's youth before they once again fade into obscurity! MIKE: Well, don't forget, Tom, that your last attempt to manufacture a pop cover band created the atrocity that was "Kidz Bop"... TOM: Guh... don't remind me... [looking around] Hmm, we're still missing one little thing... [calling out to Gypsy] Hey, Gypsy, you wanna put down that ominous-looking satellite transceiver array and be in our ABBA cover band? GYPSY: [dreamier than usual] Sure... if it doesn't take too long... there's something I must do... TOM: Um, I guess not. We're just going to warm up with a little song I wrote in tribute to Crystal, who gave me this wonderful new inspiration... GYPSY: So what do I do? TOM: Looks like you're the backup singer, Gyps, which means basically you sing "ooooooooooh" at appropriate times and look pretty. Cambot has it all up on teleprompter; don't worry about it. So, Mike, why don't you put a wig on Gypsy here and let's get rolling! Time is money, people! [Mike reaches under the drum set and pulls out a puffy brunette '70s wig which he places on top of Gypsy's head.] TOM: And a-one, a-two, and a-one, two, three, four! [The band begins playing ABBA's "Dancing Queen."] ALL: o/~ Feel the mold Fill my brain. Your life is so-o mundane. See that girl. Watch her scheme. Reigning Fangirl Queen. o/~ TOM: [soprano] o/~ Another day, another Mary-Sue. There's so many grrls just like you. o/~ GYPSY: o/~ Basing your whole existence On a hunky movie star; Don't even know who you are. o/~ TOM: o/~ Orlando Bloom--now he's just the guy To make you and all your grrlfriends *sigh*. o/~ BOTH: o/~ Sittin' and watchin' "Fellowship" For the hundredth time, Thought, Why not write my own fic? And now you've got the chance... o/~ CROW: [spoken] *Thanks* FF.net! ALL: o/~ You are the Fangirl Queen! Obsessed with dreams, Only eighteen! Fangirl Queen, Editing With a guillotine, oh yeah! Shoehorn an elf Into your life, and Leech all the joy from our lives! See that girl; Not too keen. Reigning Fangirl Queen! o/~ MIKE: o/~ Write about nothing, yet you write so much. o/~ CROW: o/~ Toss in an insult at the Dutch! o/~ MIKE & CROW: o/~ All the other characters Have to worship you. When will this fanfic end? o/~ TOM & GYPSY: o/~ Okay, you proved your point... o/~ ALL: o/~ You are the Fangirl Queen! Kinda mean Best at everything! Fangirl Queen, Scene by scene, Boredom makes me scream, oh yeah! Retard friends, Canada, ohhhh-- How can it get any worse? See that girl? Watch her preen. Reigning Fangirl Queen! Reigning Fangirl Queen! o/~ [The music dies down.] TOM: Okay, guys, it's a wrap! Now all we have to do is sit back, relax, and let ABBA's astronomical success rub off on us! Woo-hoo! [Mads light flashes.] MIKE: Oh look, our biggest fans are calling. [Walking up to hit the button] What's new with you, Anni-Frid? [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: Boffo, guys! Socko, guys! Keep it up, and someday you might even be as good as A*Teens! In fact, I just got you guys your first gig! [SOL.] MIKE & CROW: Huh? TOM: What in Annika Sorenstam's name are you talking about, Pearl? [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: You heard me right, Bjorn! It's this cozy little place up north, called... Vancouver Playland! You'll be a huge hit at "Mary Sues Who Bring In A Fictional Character Get In Free Day" next week at the park. Lessee, your show times are at 11:30, 12:45, 2:00, 3:15, 4:30, 5:45, 7:00, 8:15, 9:30... [SOL.] ALL: AAAAAAAUUGGHHH!!!! TOM: Fame and fortune isn't worth this! I relinquish my celebrity status to the Backstreet Boys! Quick, somebody help me fake my own death! CROW: So I guess it's back to peaceful anonymity, right, gang? [Movie sign flashes. Klaxons blare.] MIKE & CROW: AAAAHH! FANFIC SIGN! TOM: o/~ I saw the fanfic sign, it opened up my mind, I saw the fanfic sign... o/~ MIKE: [grabbing Tom] Take it into the theater, cover-boy! [All exit, except Gypsy, who returns to dragging the huge satellite-dish thingy as Cambot follows the gang into the theater.] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > ********************************************************************* > 18. YOU'RE WHAT! TOM: How can one *not* make a contraception crack? CROW: With great effort. > > Disclaimer: Dose anyone CROW: No, thanks! I don't want to touch whatever stuff *you're* dosing.... > even read these anymore MIKE: We do. TOM: Unfortunately. > all we say is the same > thing I don't own anything!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIKE: With the last of her exclamation marks spent, she's destitute. > > > > KindCalypso: Thank you for reviewing again. Yes I liked the thought of > seeing Legolas swing dancing too. MIKE: KindCalypso: What the hell are you smoking and can you send me some? > > > > "Hey Kyle where'd your sisters go?" I asked. CROW: [Cartman] They got their bitch-asses back in the kitchen, and made me some pie! > > > > "They got bored and left." Kyle answered. TOM: Smartest people in the story, so far. MIKE: Chapter breaks are the perfect place to make your getaway. > > > > "Psh, kids these days don't appreciate good music." John said > cynically. CROW: So speaks Crotchety McOldman. TOM: We *are* still talking about ABBA, right? MIKE: [John] They don't even recognise the serene timelessness of 'Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)'! > > > > At 9:30 ABBAmania started to play again but it was slower set so we > just sat around drinking our slurpees. "OW!" Legolas yelled. > > > > "What?" I asked. MIKE: [Legolas] That mutant hobbit just threw another spitball at me! CROW: [Legolas] Lost another brain cell. One pops every hour or so. > > > > "My throat, it's cold." Legolas answered. MIKE: Suck it up, ya pansy. Have you gone up into the mountains for nothing? Piff. Elves today... > > > > "It's called a neck freeze it'll go away in a few seconds." I told > Legolas. CROW: Say, isn't a *brain* freeze more typical... Oh. Right. TOM: Kill them all now, Legolas. No jury would convict you after the loss of dignity you've suffered. > > > > After ABBAmania was done we stayed for Fire In The Night. "You might > want to cover your ears Legolas CROW: [Crystal] The music is *pretty* bad.... > it can get pretty loud." John > suggested. MIKE: [Legolas] Loud? LOUD? Like, for example, the ear-splitting screams of pain as my bow sends an arrow into the eye socket of an orc, as he rolls around on the ground bleeding to death and screaming over and over and over in pain, joining the countless others slain in a similar manner? Louder or quieter than that, *John*? TOM: [John] ...Eeeeeee... > > > > The three towers surrounding the stage lit up and there were a bunch of > dancers, wearing exotic costumes, MIKE: Hey, this is a *family* amusement park! > on each of the three levels. *Music > playing* MIKE: Time passing... CROW: o/~ Play that vapid music, fan gurl! o/~ > A person on the bottom level started dancing around with two > balls of fire on strings. ALL: [shout] Goodness gracious Great Balls of Fire! > Then the music changed. "Get ready for the > loudness." I said. (Every time the word loud is used in the song there > is a huge explosion) CROW: So Crazy Harry's kickin' ass and takin' names. > > > > Let's get loud, let's get loud MIKE: Oh no, not *more* song lyrics. TOM: Well, she does have one part of the LotR canon right: Never describe a song when you can WRITE OUT THE ENTIRE LYRIC! > Turn the music up, let's do it CROW: What, right here? In front of all these people? TOM: Maybe they wandered into Studio 54 by mistake. MIKE: Well, that *would* explain ABBA. > C'mon people CROW: [falsetto] ...let's work those glutes. A one-two-three-four- five-six-seven-eight-- > let's get loud > Let's get loud > Turn the music up to hear that sound > Let's get loud, let's get loud > Ain't nobody gotta tell ya > What you gotta do TOM: Um, wasn't the *song* just telling them... MIKE: The six huge explosions should have distracted them from thinking that. > > If you wanna live your life CROW: o/~ You gotta get with my friends o/~ > Live it all the way and don't you waste it TOM: o/~ ...writing pointless fanfics o/~ > Every feelin' every beat > Can be so very sweet you gotta taste it CROW: It tastes great! TOM: Less filling! CROW: Tastes-- MIKE: Okay, that one's even older than 'All Your Base'. > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > You gotta prove it TOM: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the evidence presented to-day can lead you to only one conclusion: This hep-cat's groovy! > You gotta mean what you say > Life's a party, make it hot > Dance don't ever stop, whatever rhythm > Every minute, every day > Take them all the way you gotta live 'em ('cause I'm going to live my > life) > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > You gotta prove it TOM: Prove what? The Pythagorean Theorem? MIKE: Any minute now, John Revolta's going to show up preaching about Thetans and ex-Navy writers of terrible science fiction holding the keys to salvation. > You gotta mean what you say > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > You gotta prove it > You gotta mean what you say > > Let's get loud, let's get loud ALL: [Deadpan] Boom. > Turn the music up to hear that sound > Let's get loud, let's get loud ALL: [Deadpan] Boom. > Ain't nobody gotta tell you > What you gotta do > > [BREAK ] CROW: YES! Run for it, guys! [All start to leave] > > Life is meant to be big fun ALL: AWWW! [All sit dejectedly back down] > You're not hurtin' anyone TOM: Ah, the band are Wiccans. > Nobody loses ALL: o/~ EXCEPT UUUUUUUUS! o/~ > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > To gotta prove it TOM: What is that, the present infinitive? > You gotta mean what you say > You gotta do it, you gotta do it your way > You gotta prove it > You gotta mean what you say > > Let's get loud, let's get loud > Turn the music up to hear that sound > Let's get loud, let's get loud CROW: By now, Playland must be a giant pile of smoldering rubble. > Ain't nobody gotta tell you > What you gotta do MIKE: Then how come you're ordering us to get loud? > > Let's get loud, let's get loud CROW: So, we're supposed to get loud? TOM: I don't know. They're not very clear on the subject. > Turn the music up to hear that sound > Let's get loud, let's get loud > Ain't nobody gotta tell you > What you gotta do > > "Well that was fun." I said once it was over. ALL: Says you! > > > > "Mmhm." Ryan agreed. TOM: Wow! A new catchphrase! CROW: [Crystal] You know, I think I'll leave the gag in. I like you better this way. > > > > Kyle left us and we wandered around a little bit more before getting a > snow cone and a caramel apple each and heading home. TOM: And the Playland adventure comes to a thrilling...anticlimax. CROW: And no description of how they got home, or how many times Ryan said reeehh, or how many times Legolas mentioned all the air below them? Sheesh! What a gyp! MIKE: SSSHHH!!! > > > > On Wednesday morning we got up around 9:30 and had a nice breakfast of > fruit salad CROW: Hand-made with fruit she grew, I'll bet. MIKE: You've got to start flushing out the arteries somewhere. > > > > "Hey Crystal why don't we rent Rose Red?" Carolyn suggested. MIKE: Because it sucks? > > > > "That's a great idea!" I said happily. CROW: The way it came completely out of nowhere and everything! > > > > "Rose Red?" Legolas asked. TOM: [Legolas] Isn't that a song by Edith Piaf? > > > > "A horror flick." I responded. MIKE: [Crystal] You know, like Battlefield Earth. > That didn't help at all TOM: ...Entirely as usual... > so we just went > to Rogers Video and rented the two video movie. TOM: [Quickly] Mini-series... > > > > We invited a bunch of people but only John could come. MIKE: [Crystal] I didn't feel like writing complicated dialogue. TOM: Hehe, Mike, that describes the whole fic. CROW: This has the stench of a porn scene set-up... > > > > At around 11:00am we got ready to watch the 6 hour-long movie. TOM: The Super-Deluxe-Ultra-Extended version of The Two Towers! CROW: This'll warm her up for the director's cut of Greed! MIKE: Personally, I think she doesn't have enough homework. > We > closed the drapes and turned off all the lights so it was pitch black. MIKE: Wait, I thought it was "Rose Red." CROW: *WHOA* hang on a minute. TOM: What? CROW: What would happen if, say, the ghost of Professor Miller came through the TV? MIKE: I... I... I *don't want to know*. > We all found a seat comfortably on the hide-a-bed. ALL: [church lady] And we all know how conveeeeeeeeenient that is! > > > > Just to scare Legolas a tiny bit before the movie I went up very close > to him and whispered right in his ear. [All whispering] MIKE: [Crystal] I'm pregnant. TOM: [Crystal] Hot dogs are made from *people*! CROW: [Crystal] Gimli's waiting for you in the the guest room. OTHERS: You win! > "Houses are alive... TOM: o/~ With the sound of music! o/~ CROW: Its "Roses are alive", you double-timing *super-moron!* If you're going to be a fan of the series you could at least get the best line in it right! Gaaargh! MIKE: Settle *down*. Jeeze. > this is > something we know... news from our nerve endings, if we listen closely we > can hear houses breathe, MIKE: Honey, how long has this olive loaf been here? > sometimes, in the depths of the night you can > hear them moan as if they are having bad dreams. TOM: [house] Waaaaahhhh, how many more paint jobs! How many more!!! Waaaaaahhhhh!!! CROW: [Crystal] Wait... That's just Grandma. KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE! MIKE: [Grandma] But I'm cold and I'm hungry and you won't untie me and... CROW: [Crystal] It's always about *you*, isn't it? > Some houses are good > and some are bad, good houses cradle, they make you feel warm and safe > but bad houses fill you with dread. Bad houses hate our warmth, our > humanness. MIKE: Bad houses are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. > It is this blind hate of us that makes a house haunted." TOM: [Legolas] That supposed to scare *me*? It's a friggin' *house*! What's it going to do, give a poor return as a long-term investment? MIKE: [Legolas] Ha, that's nothing! I grew up in a whole haunted *forest*, with spiders as big as your chest and streams of eternal slumber... BOTS: [Crystal and Carolyn] Aaaaaaaah! > > > > A shiver went down Legolas' spine although I'm not sure weather it was > from fright or the closeness MIKE: Well, who *wouldn't* be afraid of you being so close!? CROW: He might get *cooties!* > or the fact that someone was blowing in > his ear. CROW: Do I dare? MIKE: No sir. CROW: 'kay. > Probably a bit of all three TOM: He then spun around and dug a knife into my throat. Oh, what a kidder! CROW: When Joyce said the monologue later on in the movie, the dramatic effect was completely lost for him. But what do you care, Crystal? > > > > Just then Teddy bounded onto the bed TOM: [Teddy] Leggy! MIKE: [Legolas] It's 'Legolas'. I guess I've told you about my...condition. TOM: [Teddy] Yeah, only every time I see you. > knocking a full glass of grape > juice out of my hand causing the contents to spill. CROW: [Crystal] Well, at least I can explain *this* stain to Mom and Dad. MIKE: Eww... > Suddenly the juice > was being sucked back into the glass and the cup floated gently onto > the table. MIKE: [Crystal] Just then I realised I'd hit the 'rewind' button on the fic. > > > > "Well, I haven't seen you do that in a while." John commented. TOM: [John] Ho-hum. Unexplained occult powers. *Yawn*. > > > > Legolas started to freak out. "What devilry was that!?!" He yelled > standing up. MIKE: He has to make up for John somehow. TOM: [Legolas] I knew it! You *are* a Ringwraith! > > > > "If you'll calm down I tell you." I said sitting down on and motioning > for Legolas to do the same. CROW: [Gryphon] Okay, story time. > "I'm a telekinetic." I started. BOTS: *WHAT* THE HELL NOW?!? MIKE: Yep. One of the big five Mary Sue clichés: Exotic beauty, mad skilz at nearly everything, ridiculously noble character, love and devotion of an existing character... And mental powers. TOM: Two out of five, with a buttload of story to go... CROW: Just two? TOM: Yeah - she's not "exotically beautiful." She's just garden variety, jaw-dropping HAWT! > > > > "You're a what!?!" Legolas yelled. MIKE: [Hagrid] You're a wizard, Harry--I mean, Crystal... > > > > "A telekinetic... I can move things with my mind." I answered, then, > seeing that my explanation was not getting us anywhere TOM: ...since the elves live and breathe magic, Legolas would *obviously* be stupified by the rather mundane effects of telekinesis... > I told the whole > story. "It all started when I was 14, CROW: [Crystal] One of my nerd-friends recommended I read Lord of the Rings, and your fate was sealed. MIKE: You're implying she *read* the book, Crow. > I was over at Carolyn's house and > we were watching 'Rose Red', which has a bunch of psychics in it, MIKE: [Crystal] Nostradamus, Johnny Smith, Dionne Warwick....They're all there! > including a telekinetic. After the movie I was saying how fun it would > be CROW: [Crystal] ...for a movie character to pop out of Carolyn's TV... > to be able to move things with my mind MIKE: The suspension of reality, the realization of a fabled dream... Yeah. *Fun.* > so as a bit of a joke I tried > to make a piece of paper go into the garbage can, surprisingly the > paper moved. (All make blowing sounds at the screen) CROW: Well, it's a good thing they weren't watching "Carrie." > I was scared to say the least CROW: And one more time, Crystal channels the audience. > but since then I have > perfected my gift and now I can control things quite well. MIKE: Everything but her propensity to use run-on sentences. TOM: [Crystal] A while ago, this bald guy in a wheelchair offered to help me control my powers. Like I need help! > It takes a lot of energy so I don't move anything big." I explained. TOM: [Yoda] Size matters not. MIKE: [Legolas] Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up this story's plot, or given you clairvoyance enough to write a single scene that doesn't cause the reader to seethe with rage, lusting to see your very life's blood flow red upon the ground-- CROW: Okay Mike, we get it. [whispering] What was *that*? TOM: [whispering] I don't know, he was *way* off-script. > > > > "And why haven't I heard about your gift until now?" Legolas asked > indignantly. CROW: [Crystal] Well, I don't like to brag. [pause.] ALL: BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! > > > > "I tend not to tell people as they usually get nervous around me after > that." I answered. MIKE: [Legolas] So you thought that I - someone who's fought with and against people who are on a first name basis with the fundamental forces of the universe - would freak because of your little spoon- bending exhibition? TOM: [Crystal] Well you did, didn't you? MIKE: [Legolas] ...Shut up. > > > > "What about him?" Legolas asked pointing to John. CROW: [Crystal] Oh, him? He bites his nails, and he's not very good in the sack. > > > > "My friends from church have known since I learned how." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] Due to my chronic inability to keep a secret. TOM: Yes, church folk are famous for their acceptance of all things paranormal. MIKE: And they've been nice enough about it to not excommunicate her. > > > > "Can you do anything else besides move things?" Legolas asked. MIKE: [Crystal] I thought you'd never ask? BOTS: o/~ BOMP CHICKA WOW! BOMP CHICKA WOW! o/~ > > > > "I'm sort of telepathic ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!! > but only with Carolyn ALL: Phew. CROW: Wait, wait a moment. Why only with Carolyn? TOM: It must be because she's her life mate. [pause.] CROW: You... You... You *took* my *goddamn* *line*. > and I turn stuff on and > off if that's what you mean. MIKE: [Legolas] No, that's not what I mean. 'Turning stuff on and off' is also telekinesis, not telepathy, which is extrasensory communication. Christ, don't you know meanings of words in your own language? > See." CROW: See Mary-Sue patronize. Patronize, Mary-Sue! Patronize! > I said starting the movie from where > I sat and ending the discussion. MIKE: [Crystal] ...using an ancient mystickal artefact known as 'The Remote Control'. TOM: Yeah, who *really* cares about sudden psychic powers? Back to the movie! > > > > After Rose Red, CROW: That's it? That's *it*? No witty commentary? No amusing banter? No more quoting from the script verbatim? What a gyp! > (about 5:00) we went to Wendy's for dinner. I got a > mandarin chicken salad, Carolyn got chicken nuggets, John got a double > classic burger and Legolas got a single classic burger. TOM: But what did they have to *drink*?! CROW: Look, it may have been interesting when Tolkien described his characters' meals, but this is just kind of sad. > After supper CROW: ...she took the cup of ice cream and said, Take, eat. This is Baskin Robbins, which is given for you. Do this, or I'll rip out your entrails with a scythe. MIKE: [quietly]...so many letters... > John went home and so did we. TOM: [Sputtering] Hol.. Wha... Wa... HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD... *IT!!!* Let me get this straight: Crystal just revealed that - for all intents and purposes - she's a frickin' mutant! You'd think that would be a fairly important plot point, right? OTHERS: Right. TOM: And in addition to that, she reveals this to Legolas, who's the only one outside of the Teen Gang who knows this, right? OTHERS: Right. TOM: So why the Heck Ramsey did she not only reveal this secret as a cheap parlor trick, but then react to Legolas' shock like he caught her removing her colored contacts?!? CROW: You forget, dear Tommy, that to Crystal, psi-abilities are just another set of "Cool Things I Can Do." TOM: [Sadly] You're right. What *was* I thinking? ************************************************************************** TOM: And *another* chapter comes to a gripping climax and then falls off the face of the Earth. CROW: So what do we do? MIKE: We... get out of here. [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Crow and Mike are sitting around a hardwood table in the center of the room. The lights have been turned down to create a slightly eerie atmospheric effect; instead of the usual shipboard lights, a few softly burning candles are spaced evenly around the bridge. Adding to the slightly spooky atmosphere is Tom floating directly above the center of the table, motionless, in what appears to be his best approximation of a lotus position.] TOM: Good evening, torturers, torturees and the watchers of us both. I, Thomas Servo, and my compatriots here, have decided that around here would be a truly magnificent and spectacular time to host a round-table discussion group session. In this session, we will be discussing... self-insertion. Mary-suing. What, exactly, is it? Why has is become such an incredibly popular phenomenon? What can be done to stop it? We shall discuss these issues, and the deep, philosophical meanings thereof, posthaste. To begin with, Crow? CROW: Why do ya always got to pick on me first? TOM: It is a random event. Now, Crow T. Robot, would you kindly tell us: why do you think that people write stories this way? And what kinds of people, as a demographic, mainly do so? CROW: [clears his throat] Well... I think that its a sort of call for help; an attempt at getting attention. These kids--and it really is most often kids writing these things--are ignored and teased their entire life, so they get back by having people based on themselves beat the crap out of huge Gundams in a story, so they can feel better about themselves; "Jerry called me a stupid nerd who can't see four feet without his glasses, but I just blew up the Death Star! Who needs to listen to him?" TOM: Thank you for that, Crow. Now, Michael J. Nelson, would you, please, open discussion on the same issue? MIKE: Thanks. Well, I think that the main problem with these people is that they have a really thin line, if one at all, in their heads that separates truth from fiction. I think that they think that if they write themselves being all-powerful and mighty, it'll just become true. And to give them credit, I'm sure it really does help their self-esteem. TOM: I see. So what you are saying is that people with low opinions of themselves write these attempts at "literature" to make themselves look better? CROW: I think so, yeah. MIKE: Sure, okay. They might not *know* they're feeling down; it may just be, you know, deep down and such. TOM: Ah. I see. Very insightful. When it is put this way, it really doesn't seem like that bad a thing. Care to expand on this, Mike, Crow? CROW: Hmm.. Actually, that's a good point. I mean, really. When's the last time you've seen a self-insertion writer torching a Kwik-E-Mart? MIKE: Not that they could. CROW: [irked] Not that they could, yes, thank you, Mike. But you get my point, yes... MIKE: Yeah, okay, I see what you're going for. I mean, writing is certainly a beneficial activity, and the time you're spending writing is time you could be spending plotting to destroy your family and friends in carefully staged mass murders. Maybe that this is these people's way of just coping with reality. And, although its not that healthy for others, I personally feel that it's a great deal healthier than, say, Dylan Klebold handled it. CROW: Yes, true. But honestly, Mike, do you think that someone who writes self- insertion fics has the intelligence to *use* a shotgun, let alone acquire one? MIKE: Well-- CROW: Or that he could make his own explosives? MIKE: No, but-- CROW: Or that he could plan something elaborate if need be? MIKE: Well, no, I don't, but that's beside the point. I certainly wouldn't rather take that chance. TOM: This is, really, excellent discussion we have going here. Let us move it more towards today's fanfic of perusal, if we may. What do you think powers Crystal's obsession to keep on writing? CROW: Well, I, personally, think that it has to do with long-felt, unfulfillable desires. It seems to me that Crystal is thinking a lot more of Orlando Bloom playing Legolas than the actual Legolas himself. I mean, hell, I can't really think of a woman who wouldn't want Orlando Bloom to pop out of their TV. I mean, I personally wouldn't mind, say, Sarah Connor from the first Terminator movie popping out of *my* television. TOM: Thank you, Crow, for that endlessly fascinating comment. I'm sure that future generations will repeat that to their descendants for centuries. CROW: Shut up. MIKE: If I may, I'd like to mention the way the television seems to influence the way Crystal writes her story. TOM: Absolutely. MIKE: Well, it just seems that every supernatural thing she does seems to revolve around it. Legolas came out of her TV in the first chapter. And now, in the 18th, we learn that Crystal discovered that she had telekinetic powers after watching "Rose Red". I think that this is a perilously disturbing trend, really. Especially when you consider that a lot of her "humor" comes from terribly mis-paraphrased lines from Disney movies. If you look at it closely, it would appear that the *television* is controlling her reality. Rather than Crystal using the narrative to subjugate the laws of physics to the will of the television, there is a deep, and rather frightening, subtext that would seem to indicate that the television is forcing Crystal to subjugate the laws of physics to it. Almost as though the television was using Crystal for its own ends. TOM: ...Wow. That's... That was amazing, Michael. Thank you, very much. [clears his throat] So... any final thoughts, then? CROW: Well, no, not really. I must say, that subtext thing really is kinda disturbing, when you think about it. So, um, Crystal? Hun? If you're hearing this? For god's sake, *just say NO* to TV. Okay? OKAY? Thank you. Thank you very much. MIKE: Yes, I agree with Crow. Get away from the TV. Instead, why not get a good book? As long as it isn't one written by Kevin J. Anderson, I think she'll be all right with whatever she chooses. TOM: Thank you, Michael. [clears his throat again] And now, friends, we must take commercial sign. For MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000, I am Thomas Servo, with Crow T. Robot and Michael J. Nelson. Thank you for viewing, and enjoy the rest of the show. [Tom floats over to the console, and pushes the commercial sign light. He slightly ruins the scene's dramatic effect (TM) by bonking it with his head.] ((((((((( END OF PART 6 - MORE PARTS COMING SOON! )))))))) Special thanks to His Majesty the God-Emperor for the "Fanfic Queen" song parody. Special thanks to James Bond for the "Round Table Discussion" host segment. All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. The authors of this MSTing are also not responsible if you, while reading this MSTing, have an average-looking guy or a wise- cracking robot pop out of your computer. ----- Last updated: 6 October 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > "Hey Carolyn do you remember what we did on our grade 7 grad trip?" I > said...[She] nodded. "Remember what we did?" I asked. Carolyn nodded again > and smiled. "Do you want to do that again?" I asked. MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Part 7 of 9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, Chan-wu Yi, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random, Typewriter Monkey and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > ********************************************************************* > 19. Hammocks > A/N: Just to clear up something, no I'm not actually telekinetic ALL: [Sarcastically] NOOO! CROW: Come *on!* If she really was telekinetic, you think she'd be writing this rambling, pointless story? MIKE: She well might. > I just > have always thought it would be cool to be so I wrote me being > telekinetic in my story, MIKE: Wow, author putting herself in a story and giving her supernatural powers she doesn't have in real life because its "really cool". Hmm, where have we seen *that* before? TOM: So we're not even pretending this isn't a Mary Sue now, eh? > also I'm not telepathic with anyone CROW: That's not the case either? I was so *sure...* > but I do > usually think the same thing as Carolyn so it's almost like we can talk > to each other in our minds. TOM: [Crystal] Hey, you remember that time... CROW: [Carolyn] Oh, at the place... TOM: [Crystal] And there was that guy... CROW: [Carolyn] The one who looked like... TOM: [Crystal] Yeah, remember what he did... CROW: [Carolyn] Oh yeah... > In the story I will only put in thought > speech between Carolyn and I when it is necessary to the story. CROW: Welp, glad that's over then. [gets up to leave] MIKE: Come back here... [pulls Crow back down] > > > > KindCalypso: Thank you for your review you're now the second one to > review more than once and that makes me happy. MIKE: That makes me weep for my species. > > > > x-silver-saffire-x: We're not rich, just smart (that's the Ikea slogan > if you didn't catch that) MIKE: I thought it was the motto of liberal arts grads everywhere. > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: I'm so happy that you like Rose Red too, CROW: "Happy" versus "so happy," or WeasleyTwinsLover1112 to KindCalypso: Eat my dust! > you're > the first person I've met (outside of my friends whom I showed it to) > that likes Rose Red. TOM: [Destinygurl] Do you like Waterworld, too? Ishtar? Freddy Got Fingered? MIKE: Hey, Waterworld wasn't all that bad... well, if you ignore the plot... and Kevin Costner's.... non-acting... it, um, had great explosions... CROW: ... You smoked, and you didn't share. I thought you were my friend... > > > > You might want to get familiar with this saying and how to say it MIKE: [Destinygurl] 'I'm *not* gonna pay a lot for this muffler!' > because it's something that Ryan and Joe say a lot By the way this is > not meant to offend anyone TOM: I'm offended. CROW: I'm *very* offended. TOM: I'm more offended than *you* are-- MIKE: Okay, okay... > I just think it is a very funny saying that > Ryan or Joe say quite a bit. MIKE: [sighing] A saying so nice, she *introduced* it twice! CROW: [Crystal] Got that? It's Ryan and Joe's joke! No, really! > (Fake Punjabi accent) CROW: Today's offensive appropriation of ethnicity is all about fine discernment! > Samosas MIKE: What is that...Metroid cereal? > and brevridges with be served by (Mike Wisouski is said like the little > monsters say it in monsters inc.) Mike Wisouski (Back to fake Punjabi > accent) MIKE: Okay, I'm offended, but that just might be the start of a voice acting career. > at the tabernacle in Kazakhstan just outside Kerplakistan. [Utter silence. Crickets chirp.] MIKE: Five of the six voices in my head just committed suicide. TOM: I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split. > And yes the word brevridges is not a typo it is exactly how they say it. TOM: Brevridges are the soul of wit. CROW: Or not, in this case. > The word is spelt (and said) B-R-E-V-R-I-D-G-E-S. MIKE: Sweet Jesus! Crystal, do we look blind to you? You just spelt it two lines ago! TOM: Geez, Destinygurl makes Apu from The Simpsons look politically correct. > > > > On Thursday morning I got up very early as I had a busy day today. CROW: I needed to get on with some bits of shouting I've got to do. > By 7:30 I was ready to go I left a note on the kitchen counter telling > Legolas and Carolyn that I would be back around 3:00. CROW: [Legolas, sinister] Oh yes, Crystal, and so will I! Vwa ha ha ha ha ha!! > I left hoping to > get to my 8:00 accounting class on time. MIKE: Accounting class? Won't this interfere with her mindless wandering? CROW: Mike, it's Crystal! She only needs one class and *BANG!* She's knows accounting. > After accounting I taught a > tambourine class MIKE: [Laughing] A *WHAT* class? CROW: It's a *tambourine*! What's to teach?! TOM: [Crystal] Strike the tambourine against your other hand thusly--*jingle*. Right, that's all for to-day. > (every other Thursday) in the summer and then finally > at 12:30 I had an Irish dancing class. CROW: [Crystal] Rrrright, jusht uh, shtumble to the left there, right, then-- yesh, you have a, err, queshtion? TOM: [Joe] How do we... er... tell which way's left when the room's all spinning? CROW: [Crystal] Hey, hey you! You ca--you came to clash... *shober*! Look, thish aint no god damn frickin' shiddy counnshel meetin'... What do YOU want? MIKE: [Legolas] How do I get out of this chicken-spit outfit? > > > > On the way home I stopped at Safeway to get some things for dinner. MIKE: Including the safeway safeway-brand safeway vodka! > "Let's see, fresh herbs, lemons and aluminium foil, I think that's all > for now." I said to myself. TOM: Mmm... Lemon Pepper Tinfoil! My favorite! CROW: Nothing like seasoned aluminium foil for dinner! > > > > By 2:30 I was home. "Hello." I called with no answer so I tried again. > "Hello?" CROW: Wanna take bets on if she walks in on the elf and her girlfriend doing something they shouldn't be? TOM: In this story? CROW: Good point. > I walked up the stairs carrying my bag from this morning, > which jingled every time it hit my leg, MIKE: It had been a good day--shaking down a few old ladies, beating up kids for their pocket change... TOM: [Crystal] I got $22.50 and some Go-Gurt! CROW: [Carolyn] SCORE! > and the groceries. I dumped my > bag on the couch and put the groceries on the counter, MIKE: Y'know, I wish she would've put the groceries on the couch and her bag on the counter. TOM: Really, Mike? Why? MIKE: Plot twist. Ram chip? BOTS: Nummies! > looking out the > window, I smiled, now I knew why no one answered me when I came inside, > there was Carolyn and Legolas CROW: [Crystal] ...locked in coitus. The image never left my mind, even as I butchered them. > sitting on the extra large hammock, > strung between two of the five huge evergreen trees in my back yard, TOM: Alright, Caroyln! CROW: You go, girl! MIKE: Way to stick it to The Woman! > playing cards. ALL: Awww... TOM: Well, we were rooting for you, Carolyn. > I hurried out to join them. "Do you have any room for > me?" I asked. CROW: [Legolas] Go fish! > > > > "Yeah, sure." Legolas said MIKE: [jock] Yeah sure, I *guess*. We'll let the *weird girl* play.... > moving over slightly so I could get on. CROW: Mike? Too easy? MIKE: Very good, Crow. > > > > I realized my mistake a little too late, the way I was sitting made us > unbalanced and before I knew it is was hurled flat on my back CROW: I guess Legolas got tired of not getting any action, huh? MIKE: [sighs] And you were doing so well. > with the > wind knocked out of me. MIKE: [Crystal] Before I could recover Ryan came flying-kicking in and hit me in the solar-plexus. "Oof!" I said, then retaliated with a GENERIC ATTACK 1! and hit Ryan 26 times. Even Ryan could not stand up to that punishment and he was totally knocked out after it melted him to a crisp. > > > > Legolas and Carolyn recovered quickly and within seconds of hearing me > gasping for breath they were both TOM: [Crystal] ...laughing and pointing. CROW: [Nelson] Ha-HA! > at my side. TOM: Legolas quickly grabs a pillow and goes to work. CROW: [Carolyn] KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT, MAKE IT DEAD! > "Crystal, Crystal, Are you alright?" Legolas asked worriedly. MIKE: [Legolas] You fell a whole two feet!! Did you get a bruise?!? TOM: [Legolas] Oh wait, I'm a fictional elf out of mythic pre-history! I don't know CPR! CROW: [Legolas] If you want me to choke the life out of you, don't say anything! > > > > I tried to talk but all I could manage was a squeak/cough. That was > really frustrating for me, CROW: [Crystal] ...I'm nothing without my Voice of Command! > not being able to communicate. MIKE: Or remember my own plot twists. CROW: From a *single* chapter ago! TOM: And the diamond clarity and limpid flow of the prose in *this* thing shows how much she loves communicating! > But all of a > sudden I heard something else. It was Carolyn thought > speaking to me. MIKE: [Crystal] Geez, Carolyn, did you have to invent new quotation marks *just* for this? TOM: Oh yes, this is *definitely* necessary to the story.... > I thought back. TOM: [Crystal] > > > > She asked. CROW: [Crystal] > > > > I > answered. CROW: [Crystal] > > > > MIKE: [Crystal] > > > > like he would in a heartbeat, although... TOM: [Crystal] ...he can't possibly know CPR, so I don't know why I said that.... > I don't think I'd mind him > doing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on me.> MIKE: No, I rather think you would since properly performed it would be quite uncomfortable for a conscious person. > I laughed but it came out as > a choked cough which just made Legolas more worried. TOM: Oh no ya don't Crystal! You did that on purpose, you evil witch you! > > > > "Legolas." I heard Carolyn say. "Crystal is fine, she just got the wind > knocked out of her." CROW: [Legolas] You don't say! Never in my *thousands of years upon Middle- Earth* have I encountered such a condition! > > > > A few minutes later I was back to breathing again. TOM: A few *minutes* later? Well then you must have nipped off to unconsciousness for a bit. I wonder if any brain damage set in.... > "What is it about > me, it seems every summer I fall off the hammock or off a bed or > something that makes me get the wind knocked out of me. I guess I'm > just prone to it." I said jokingly. MIKE: [Crystal] ...with the utter absence of humour that's characteristic of my family. TOM: Ah yes, the one flaw that puts everything else in merely human perspective. I was wondering when it would show up. > > > > About an hour later we went inside and I started making dinner but > because I wanted it to be a surprise I shooed Carolyn and Legolas > downstairs. MIKE: [Carolyn] It's Chicken Cacciatore, isn't it? Every time you make a "surprise dinner," it's Chicken Cacciatore. CROW: [Crystal] Well, you're wrong! It's... Chicken with Tomato Sauce! MIKE: [Carolyn] But... CROW: [Crystal] SILENCE!!! > > > > At 5:00 the doorbell rang. ALL: Its 5:00! Do you know where your elf is?!! > "Can you get it Carolyn?" I yelled because I > was up to my elbows in lemon juice, vegetable oil and some unknown > liquid. MIKE: Mmmm...doesn't that sound delicious!? CROW: Skipping the obvious substance riffs and moving right along, I really question Crystal's l33t magical cooking skills if she's using stuff that not even *she* can identify. TOM: Feh. Probably just the purest plantation sugar known to man again. [DING.] CROW: ...Mamma. > The doorbell rang again. "Fine, make me get it." MIKE: [Carolyn] *Make* me, I say! TOM: [Carolyn] Offer me money! Offer me power! Offer me anything I could desire! > I concentrated > and the door sprung open. CROW: [Coily] Nooooo springs! *cuckoo* MIKE: Well, if it's that easy, you should have just done that in the first place! TOM: If all she had to do was concentrate, why did she care about having food on her hands? > "I'm up here." I called and Ryan walked up > the stairs > > > > "So you've told Legolas." Ryan stated. CROW: [Crystal] Yes, and he still thinks he's the father, so not a word, okay? > > > > "What?" I asked. > > > > "Your ability, that you're telekinetic." Ryan answered. CROW: [Crystal] Oh... That... > > > > "Yes, but how did you know?" I asked. TOM: [Ryan] Because "my friends from church have known since I learned how." Hello, Crystal? Remember last chapter? > > > > "The door opened and I would think that you would be more careful then > that if you hadn't told him." Ryan explained. MIKE: Careful? She had *no idea* who was at the door! It could've been the UPS guy for all she knew! CROW: [UPS guy] Damn, *another* one of these houses with a telekinetic! Kids these days, don't even open doors with their hands anymore.... > > > > "You know for an idiot you are pretty smart sometimes." I said. MIKE: [snickering] Man, I guess you really can learn a lot from a dummy! > > > > "Well I do have an IQ of about 140." Ryan replied. MIKE: [Ryan] Well, in dog IQ. > > > > Ding-dong, ALL: o/~ The Witch is dead! / Which old Witch? / The Wicked Witch!... o/~ > the doorbell went again, TOM: What? They have a talking doorbell? CROW: Of course, nimrod! It just called Crystal's name, didn't ya hear? TOM: [snickering] Oh right. > the lock clicked, "It's open." I > called MIKE: Even though, according to what happened earlier, you just locked it... > and David came running up the stairs. TOM: This is getting to be like a French farce. Next they'll discover John hiding under the bed.... > > > > "Did I miss anything?" He asked. > > > > I shook my head. MIKE: [Crystal] What was with that 'Ziggy Stardust' nonsense? > "You're the second one here." I said. > > > > Everyone else arrived and we started our meeting. CROW: [Destinygurl] Transitions? Who needs 'em? MIKE: You mean nobody else gets a pointless introduction speech? How inconsistent. > "so what should we do > tomorrow?" John asked. MIKE: [Crystal] Same thing we do every day--go out on wacky excursions with our friend the Elf! TOM: Hey, look Crow! They still hold their chat sessions in person. Isn't that cute? CROW: Yeah... How 20th century of them! > > > > "Well we're playing Capture the flag and gargon without question." I > started. TOM: [Crystal] Don't try to argue. My Word is Law. CROW: [others] But it would help if we knew what gargon was-- TOM: [Crystal] SILENCE, MORTALS!!! > "So why don't we go swimming at Bear Creek park." CROW: Because almost anything else would be interesting? > > > > "Hey that would be fun, I hear you can rent out the pool after hours." CROW: Why go to a natural creek to swim in a pool? > David said but his comment was mostly lost because Ryan and Joe took > this opportunity to start talking and laughing loudly. [ALL laugh and shout about moose, hockey, ad-lib, rhubarb, and Labatts Blue.] CROW: Grab those random moments when you can--they're so infrequent! > > > > "Samosas and brevridges with be served by TOM: You mean "with be served by" wasn't a mistake the first time? Now I'm depressed... if still offended. > Mike Wisouski at the > tabernacle in Kazakhstan just outside Kerplakistan" Joe said. MIKE: You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity. > A few > inanimate objects flew at their heads MIKE: [Crystal] The stove, the countertop, knives... TOM: Uh, if the objects are flying, doesn't that make them animate? > and although nobody got hit Ryan > and Joe got the message and shut up. MIKE: There's that genius-level IQ at work, and well, Joe's a quick study. TOM: Insulting and unfunny or just plain unfunny - you make the call, folks! > > > > "Now if we can get back to business." I said glaring and Ryan and Joe. CROW: ...who were instantly disintegrated by the Death Glare(tm). > "You'll have plenty of time to goof off later." MIKE: [Crystal] ... after your chores are done. TOM: [Legolas] Awww, but I wanted to go into Tosche Station and pick up some power converters! > > > > "Does anyone have any other suggestions of games to play?" David asked. TOM: How about... Russian Roulette? MIKE: Musical Electric Chairs? CROW: Catch with ninja stars? TOM: Hot Potato with a hand grenade? OTHERS: You win! > > > > "Woman's volleyball." Ryan yelled. MIKE: [Crystal] No, that violates the 'getting some' clause in your contract. > "The guys spectator sport." CROW: Finally! A smidge of testosterone enters the fic! > > > > I smacked him upside the head, hard. TOM: I'm conflicted. It's Ryan being hurt, but Crystal inflicting the pain. MIKE: Life is seldom simple... > "You're really lucky Anneka is not > here." I said. "Or that smack would be followed by many more and some > punches as well." TOM: ...Followed by Geese Howard's Deadly Rave, Scorpion's brutality and Lamia Damina's RAGING INFINITY KATA!!! [pause.] TOM: If you're curious, the Raging Infinity Kata (TM) (of doom and death) (available at a Wal-mart near you) is a list of twinks that LamiaDamina from the pencil+paper RPG board on gamefaqs.com came up with that can make infinite attack chains out of one attack round. Fun times! [longer pause.] CROW: [confused] Uh, thanks... Servo... > (Anneka is a major feminist and will attack anyone, > mostly John though, who takes females the wrong way.) TOM: [Anneka] WOMEN ARE NOT AS VIOLENT AS MEN! TAKE THAT BACK OR I'LL KILL YOU!!! MIKE: Nice of you, though, to tolerate his sexism, Crystal. Way to set wymyn back a few decades. > > > > "I'm sure I am." Ryan said. TOM: [Ryan] Now get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen, and bake me some pie! > > > > We finished our meeting and now had the daunting task of phoning > everyone on the youth phone list. TOM: The journey to Mount Doom was *nothing* compared to it! > We used the phone line at my house > and my cell phone so two of us could call at once, David and John > started. "Hello Stefan it's John, how are you?... MIKE: [John] Yeah, yeah... I'm "thuper" too... > > uh-huh... yup... CROW: [John] ...Oh... Well... err... I'm sure there's medication for that. > Ok shut-up, I have to tell you about youth tomorrow." But > he never got to finish his sentence as Ryan and Joe tackled him to the > ground and started tickling him. [CROW gacks and goes fetal.] MIKE: Um... Crow? CROW: I was... reminded... of the Lemonranger's... Hentai Intent 2! [ALL shudder.] TOM: If you're curious, The Hentai Intent 2 is a lemonfic written by Racewing, Iczil Prime and Hiei about just about every woman (plus a few extras) from Capcom VS. SNK 2 getting struck by "the hentai intent", basically turning them into weird freaky nymphomaniac people. Um, yeah... MIKE: Tom, who are you talking to? TOM: I... don't... know... > There was no way that John would > finish the call so I picked up the phone and continued to tell Stefan > what was happening. TOM: [Stefan] Another San Francisco bathhouse flashback, eh? > > > > Once we finished phoning I started dinner. I took three lumpy packages, CROW: *Lumpy?* My mouth's watering already! > wrapped in tin foil, out of the fridge and put them on the BBQ > then I put a large stockpot on the stove to boil. MIKE: Hey, kids! Tonight it's Grilled Mystery Meat! BOTS: OH BOY!! > > > > "What's that?" John asked. CROW: [Crystal] Lessee, chicken fried steak, deep fried mozarella sticks, and a hundred fried shrimp smothered in corn oil... TOM: [John] Good thing we took our Pepcid AC! > > > > > I smiled mischievously. "You'll see when it's done." I said happily. MIKE: [Crystal] A little more cyanide, and... PERFECT! CROW: Say, anybody know what happened to Legolas? TOM: Who? > > > > While dinner was cooking we hung out in the living room playing a game > called Moods. Legolas didn't understand how to play so he just sat out. TOM: Oh, *That* guy! CROW: So Crystal's grown weary at last of explaining things to him? How tragic. MIKE: Well, I guess Legolas' brief stint as a major character and object of desire seems to be over. > We were having so much fun acting out different moods that we didn't > see Legolas open the tiny tube of super glue. "HEY... I'm stuck." He > yelled. MIKE: Just when I thought Legolas couldn't sink any lower.... TOM: And we bring back Legolas just to make him look like a slow fourth- grader. CROW: Legolas really got pasted that time, eh? [ALL sigh, groan, mumble, reach for automatic weapons, and generally look unhappy.] > > > > We rushed over to him and I spotted the tube of glue, now half empty. ALL: No, half *full!* > Legolas had accidentally glued one of his hands to the other. MIKE: And in case you haven't been paying attention, Legolas is a big, fat idiot. CROW: The scary thing is, this is a big role for him by now. TOM: You know, if that had only happened to *Crystal*, we wouldn't have to read this anymore. [ALL sigh wistfully.] > > > > "How did you do this?" Carolyn asked. CROW: Open glue tube. Rock-stupid elf. Do the math. > > > > "I was just-" Legolas started but I cut him off. > > > > "No time for questions, the longer the glue has to dry the harder it is > to get off." I said. [All cough and shift uncomfortably.] CROW: Even I'm not touching that one. > > > > I went into the bathroom and got a bottle of nail polish remover and a > towel. TOM: Since Legolas *just* broke a nail! MIKE: Plus, the Hitchhiker's Guide says you should never go anywhere without a towel. > Everybody headed outside onto the patio TOM: Er... If you had that stuff on you all along, why the panic about getting that stuff off before it set? MIKE: Now, now... Don't pierce Marvel Girl's delusions of omniscience. > > > > I soaked the towel in nail polish remover and told Legolas to keep it > on the super glue for a while. TOM: His hands are glued to-gether! How's he supposed to do that? Hold it in his teeth? > > > > "Crystal, this stinks." Legolas wined. CROW: We feel your pain, my friend. We feel your pain. MIKE: [twitching] Yes, of course, because *Legolas the elf*, the one who's gone through *wars*, who lives in *ancient times*, really cares about the smell of *nail polish*. Never *mind* that he's been around *decomposing orcs*, its *nail polish* that the guy can't handle. Chrrrrist allmighty. [A vein begins pulsating on MIKE's forehead.] TOM: [awed] Holy... WHOA! Its turning purple! *COOL!* > > > > "Yes it does but you'll just have to deal with it." I said. TOM: Your delicate elven skin could never hold up with just ripping your hands free... CROW: If love's not tough, it's barely love at all. > > > > Ryan started babbling on about nothing CROW: [Crystal] And by 'started' I mean 'continued as usual'.... > but the few words I caught were > funny, MIKE: Too bad Seinfeld's not looking for writers any more, then. > things like. "Jeffery... super glue... chair." MIKE: Toilet water, jack-in-the-box, table saw, fake hamster, *sigh* earwax... CROW: Ryan... Super glue... Ball gag... > > > > "That would be hilarious MIKE: [Ryan] Yeah? Well, let's see how hilarious it is when Jeffrey super- glues *your* face to Stephen Hawking's wheelchair! > but you know what Jeffery would say if we > actually did." IU said TOM: [Ryan] 'The halls of the school will echo with the dying screams of those who have wronged me?' > then adopted a VERY winy tone. MIKE: With a subtle yet rich bouquet, this tone promises to be a truly memorable vintage. > "Paul, Paul TOM: [Jeffery] Why dost thou persecute me? > they glued me to the chair." We all cracked up except for Legolas who was > presently trying to pull his hands apart. CROW: But just keep pulling. Maybe they'll crack too! MIKE: The preceding scene brought to you by Pointless Interlude Productions. TOM: At PIP, our motto is "Any time is a good time for filler." > > > > "Oh, I should probably tell you about Jeffery because..." MIKE: [Crystal] ...he's another one of my friends, which means he'll have a bigger role in this story than you. > I sighed. "He's > coming tomorrow." I said sadly. > > > > "Argh! No! Why tomorrow! Anything but tomorrow!" Carolyn wailed. MIKE: Oh, no! Not Jeffery! TOM: Not tomorrow! Oh, God! Not tomorrow! CROW: This is awful! This is... Wait... Who? > > > > "I know, I know, but it was unavoidable." TOM: [Crystal] He said if I didn't agree, he'd blow up the house. > I started but then checked my > watch. "Oh no dinner." TOM: She's pretty casual about that pillar of smoke from the kitchen, too. > I went over to the BBQ and turned it off and > then went inside and checked the pot boiling on the stove. CROW: [Crystal] The pot was black. > > > > A Little while later Legolas was back to his normal, unstuck self MIKE: Listen! Legolas Greenleaf has come unstuck in time. TOM: So, he's gone *unglued*, hasn't he? [plays a rimshot] Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all eternity. > and was helping everybody set the table. CROW: They only trusted him with the spoons, mind you... > I finished off the setting with > two bowls of melted butter over tea lights and two bowls of fresh lemon > quarters. MIKE: Melted butter? Lemon wedges? TOM: And don't forget the seasoned aluminum foil! CROW: Guys, you know what that means? ALL: IT'S SLOPPY JOE NIGHT! > > > > We sat around one of the outdoor tables. "Ready to see what's for > dinner?" I asked tauntingly. TOM: [Stefan] It isn't going to jump out of the pot and attack again, is it? CROW: [Crystal] You pansies! You get assaulted by one face-hugger, and I never hear the end of it! > > > > "Just tell us." John quipped. MIKE: *Fabulous* quip! CROW: Worthy for the ages! > > > > "In the big shiny pot is... Legs of an Alaskan king crab." MIKE: Plus tongue of frog and wool of bat. TOM: Ah, the other *other* white meat! [MIKE and CROW giggle] > I said lifting > up the lid. > > (A/N: Mmm crab legs *drool*) CROW: It's almost like eating giant spider legs! > > "And from the BBQ three fresh Hoopy lake trout." MIKE: They're the hoopyest frood trout to ever know where their towels were! TOM: Ten bucks to you, Destinygurl, if you can ID that riff without help! > > > > David licked his lips. "Sounds good." He said > > > > "Grass." CROW: [David] ...and lots of it! I'm gonna need to be *so* high to make it through this.... > Joe yelled for no apparent reason. TOM: [Joe] I AM KIROK! MIKE: No, no, no, Joe! You toke up before or after dinner, not during! TOM: [Crystal] Then he yelled "joint," and there's no roast on the table! CROW: He must have the munchies. > > > > I produced 7 nutcrackers CROW: And for some reason, a single spork. > and said. CROW: [Crystal] One more word out of you, Joe, and *crunch!* > "Lets get cracking, literally." TOM: [Crystal] Next person who says I didn't look gorgeous in my seventh- grade party dress.... *CRACK!* > > > > After we ate our crab and fish I got out the chocolate cream pie. > > > > "This just keeps getting better and better." Ryan said happily. CROW: Only if they get naked and rub it all over each other.... > > > > "Anyways back to Jeffery." I said. MIKE: [Crystal] Patrick Stewart was wonderful, but the film just played it too safe. > "He's a guy who is the same age as > me but acts, like he's five CROW: [Crystal] I thought he could be a playmate for Legolas. > and he's annoying as anything you've ever > seen or heard." MIKE: [Legolas] So he's Ryan without the Oompa-Loompa thing? CROW: [Ryan] HEY! > I took a deep breath and continued. "He went to my > school from kindergarten to grade 7 and he was in my class every year." CROW: Good grief, he *is* depraved! > I stopped abruptly. "I don't need to bore you with my pity story. [All laugh weakly, then begin sobbing] CROW: Aw Crystal, why'd it take you nineteen frickin' chapters! > You really don't need details about Jeffery and me." MIKE: [Crystal] So that's why I'm going to write about him for the next ten chapters! > > > > "What is there something you don't want me to know?" Legolas asked > slyly in a tone even I couldn't mistake. ALL: *Zing!* TOM: [Fight announcer] And Legolas lands a *beautiful* double entendre to Crystal's ego! > > > > "If I'm taking it the way I think you mean it, NO! Definitely no! CROW: [Crystal] I mean, yes! It just didn't *mean* anything to me. It shouldn't even be *counted* as an affair! TOM: [John] I think we need a ruling on this. > It's just that some of the things we do to Jeffery may seem a little over > the top, that is, until you meet him." I blurted out. TOM: [Crystal] Then you'll realise merciless cruelty is OH-TAY! > > > > "Ok." Legolas said noncommittally. MIKE: [Legolas] Guy can't be any worse than any of you. > > > > "It's true, just trust us." Carolyn said. > > > > "I'll believe it when I see it." Legolas shot back. CROW: Gaaaaa!! Ducks! > > > > "I think we'll just have to impress upon you these facts. MIKE: That hydraulic press in the garage should do nicely! > What say we > invite Jeffery over for a while." I said. MIKE: Actually, I'd kinda like to meet this guy myself...he sounds kinda neat. > > > > There were shouts of NO! from every member of the dig team CROW: Hey, Indiana Jones needs that team to finish unearthing the Lost Ark! > and Carolyn. TOM: I don't know about you, but I'm getting the distinct impression Jeffrey is the smart, shy kid who'll end up making a quarter million Canadian a year while Crystal and her friends take his lunch order at White Castle. > Legolas looked a little nervous at the reactions of his friends and > finally took what I was saying for truth. TOM: [Legolas] For goodness sake, people! If *I* can befriend a dwarf, surely you can get over this aversion to this "Jeffery" fellow? MIKE: [Crystal] But... But he's ICKY!!! > > > > Once we cleaned up we walked to the field behind my house to play > badminton. Carolyn and I were a team and totally whipped everyone else. CROW: When the power of the Author is at your side, who can stand against you? > "10-nothing." I called out as we were playing against Ryan and Legolas. TOM: So who's the ten and who's the nothing? > "Service." I smacked the birdie TOM: What did it do, make a sexist remark? CROW: Quick, someone call the SPCA! > in a nice overhand serve and the score > was soon 11-nothing. CROW: *This* score goes to eleven. TOM: Y'know, I'm just *waiting* for this über-chick to sprout wings and start flying. MIKE: Don't encourage her! > > > > "You've got to admit we beat you guys bad." Carolyn gloated as we > walked back. CROW: [Ryan] Well, we could've done better if Legolas hadn't kept smacking the shuttlecock into orbit! TOM: [Legolas] Hey, these guns weren't made for small game, baby! > > > > "Yes, yes but you don't have to rub it in." Joe said. CROW: Whipping's bad enough, but *salting...* > > > > We got home and I bid everyone goodnight. "Get some sleep, you know we > won't get any tomorrow." I called. TOM: Now you know how *we* feel! > > > > A/N: Ooo, what's happening tomorrow? MIKE: What, they'll take Legolas to the drivethrough at the bank? > Why won't they be getting any > sleep? CROW: It's like she's daring me. > What in the world is Gargon? MIKE: Didn't he fight Gamera? TOM: I'm pulling for an all-devouring living maw, myself... > And I Jeffery really as bad as we > say he is? (I'm sorry to say he is) CROW: Hey, she's killing the suspense! > All this and more will be answered > next chapter so stay tuned. (I hopefully will get it up faster than > this one. ALL: [chanting] Home-work! Home-work! Home-work! > > ********************************************************************* > 20. God Help us, Jeffrey is here MIKE: God help *us*, there's another chapter of this! > > All I can say right now is GO CANUCKS!!!!!!!!J TOM: Oh, if that really were *all* she could say.... > > Hehe yes I'm a canucks fan and proud of it. MIKE: And *immediately,* everyone in Vancouver starts pulling for the Oilers. > The first game in the > second series was so cool hah! The tying goal with 1.3 seconds left > bringing the game into overtime and therefore letting us win YAY!! TOM: [Crystal] But they brought in that damned ringer, Estevez! CROW: Nice to see she brings her usual measured maturity to the sporting life too. > > > > x-silver-saffire-x: Yes all the people in my fic are real which makes > me think... MIKE: [Crystal] ...why I am plastering their boring lives all over the Internet? > I have some weird friends. TOM: And the winner of the Miss Understatement pageant: Crystal! MIKE: [dully] Give the girl a prize. CROW: Took the words right out of my beak. > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112": You think Jeffery is scary when I'm talking > about him just wait until this chapter, it gets scary. MIKE: She's got a friend who's weirder than Oompa-Loompa boy? > All I'm going to > say about that is, God help us Jeffery his here. *shudders* CROW: Speaking of "shudder," which would be the scarier scenario: That Jeffery is real and as evil incarnate as she says, or he's a conjured-up nightmare spaz? MIKE: Hmm... Tough call... > > > > The next morning Carolyn was the first to get up for a change and she > started rifling through the CDs that I keep over by the computer. CROW: [Carolyn] Hmmm, lessee...38 Special, The Sex Pistols, Guns and Roses... MIKE: [Carolyn] ABBA: The Golden Years...ABBA's Greatest Hits...Even More of ABBA's Greatest Hits...Love That ABBA...Pickin' on ABBA.... TOM: [Carolyn] What th... "Legolas Porn - Volume 1?" "Legolas Porn - Volume 2?" "How to Kill All My Friends And Get Away With It?" VOLUME THREE?!? > > > > I opened one eye and once I saw what Carolyn was doing I TOM: [Crystal] ...slit her throat from ear to ear. > burst into > silent giggles. MIKE: [Crystal] She has to die! And she doesn't even know! Tee-hee! CROW: Still using CDs? How quaint, how *funny!* > "I think you want Skypark, Third one from the bottom." > I whispered. TOM: [Carolyn] No, I'd prefer something good. MIKE: She's accomplished her mission--I'm *already* feeling sorry for Skypark. > > > > "Thanks." Carolyn said, CROW: [Carolyn] Wait, that's not what I... Dangit, Crystal! Stop using that mind trick on me! > she grabbed the CD and slid it into the CD-rom > drive of the computer. MIKE: She set her maintenance wizard for just this occasion, right? > > > > I watched her turn the volume up full blast and I put a pillow over my > head, this was going to be loud. > > > > Carolyn pushed play MIKE: ...and AEROSMITH BURST IN! CROW: [wildly] o/~ Uh Just Push Play! o/~ > and the rock music blew through the house. BOTS: S! A! T-U-R! D-A-Y! NIGHT!! > > > > Excuse me sir, TOM: [British] ...but a Mr 'Jeffrey' is here to see you. He says he's won the lottery so don't you wish you'd been kind to him in seventh grade last year, ha-ha. > but could ya spare a dime? MIKE: [Crystal] Because I own nothing, nothing at all. > > Me body aches, I've got ta blow my mind! CROW: Here's a .38--go wild. > > > > They're under my skin, > > Here come the bugs again. TOM: o/~ I've just re-installed Windows XP! o/~ > > > > Now Sista' please get'a on your knees. TOM: And look'a for the contact lens I dropped. CROW: When you're asked so politely, how can you refuse? > > Just one amen and people lookin' like trees. MIKE: Treebeard? Is that you? > > > > They're under my skin TOM: Yeah yeah, tell it to Cole Porter. > > Here come the bugs again. TOM: o/~ Maybe I should lay off the heroin! o/~ > > > > There's a God of above, and a God of bugs. MIKE: And there's also a Death of Rats - What's your point? > > There's a Lord of flies and a Lord of love. TOM: And a lord of rings. CROW: What does this fic have to do with that? > > > > They're under my skin, > > Here come the bugs again. MIKE: o/~ Why didn't I take the garbage out? o~ > > > > They're under my skin, > > Here come the bugs again. TOM: o/~ And it's MOON REVENGE, wooooo-hoooooooo.... o/~ > > > > When the song ended Carolyn turned the volume down and looked to see > how Legolas had fared. TOM: Probably like Alex in 'Clockwork Orange' just before he jumped out the window. MIKE: He's still here? I hadn't noticed lately. > We found him hiding under every pillow blanket TOM: The pillow blanket, the cushy new way to stay toasty! > and teddy bear (yes they were still there.) CROW: Whimpering for his mommy. > "You can come out now." > Carolyn said in s singsong voice. CROW: They were all sleeping in the same room? How... Liberal of them... MIKE: This is like some mutant version of "Three's Company." TOM: "Will & Grace" then? MIKE: Zing! > > > > Legolas hesitantly pocked his head out MIKE: Whoah, instant acne scars! > and glared at Carolyn. MIKE: [Legolas] *That* was the song the orcs sang as they marched on Gondor! [whimpers] > > > > "Good morning sunshine." CROW: The Earth says hello! > I said way to cheerfully. CROW: Well hellooooo Mr. Fancy Pants. TOM: Hellooo, sailor. MIKE: Welcome to Corneria! CROW: With greeting of cheerful and sweet lightiness do I give to you to say to I the hello! TOM: Hey, *I* know! I'll translate this FANFIC into Engrish! [Geese Howard] How are you gentlemen? All your purest plantation sugar known to man are belong to us! [DING.] > > > > Legolas grunted sleepily and rubbed his eyes. TOM: [Legolas] Reeehh! CROW: [Legolas] Damn it all... Still here. MIKE: First the hand gluing, and now this. He really *is* back in the limelight! > > > > "Get up you bum we've got a fun day ahead." I said pulling Legolas off > the bed. CROW: That's got to be the first time a fangirl has ever pulled Legolas *out* of a bed. > > > > "What are we doing today?" Legolas asked curious at my cheerful tone. MIKE: [Crystal] Same thing we do every day! Crap! TOM: [Legolas] Holy Elbereth, more excruciating non-sports and cooking? I'll never survive eight more days of this! > > > > "24 HOUR INSOMNIA!" Carolyn screeched. CROW: She must have had coffee. Keep her away from the spatulas. TOM: Use all your adrenaline now, Carolyn, and you'll never last the full day... > > > > "Huh?" MIKE: He always knows exactly the right thing to say, doesn't he? > > > > "We stay up all night playing games and doing fun stuff at the church." > I explained. TOM: [Crystal] Like playing 'Who's the Witch' and burning Beatles albums! > > > > By 10:15 I was ready to go. I rolled my motorbike out into the front > yard and attached to the back of it my small duffle bag. CROW: o/~ Born to be miiiiild! o/~ > > > > *Ring* "DOORBELL!" Carolyn yelled MIKE: [Carolyn] Here come the bugs again! > as I was coming into the house. > > > > "I'll get it..." I picked up the phone. TOM: Hold everything! How do you answer the door by picking up a telephone? MIKE: Man, I guess Verizon is making progress everyday. > "Hello?" TOM: [Crystal] Hello? *ring* HellO? *ring*? HELLO?! *ring ring* MIKE: [faintly] Crystal? Hey, open up! Let me in! > > > > *Hey Crystal* > > > > "Oh hi John, what's up?" > > > > *I was wondering if you could give me a ride to the church.* TOM: [Crystal] Don't you live - literally - around the block from the church? MIKE: [John] Yeah. What's your point? > > > > "Of course I'll be over in a sec." ALL: Bzzzzzzzt! > > > > Just before I hung up the phone John put in one last comment. *One- > thousand-one.* CROW: [Crystal] Okay, make that a thousand and one seconds. > (As in counting out one second) TOM: And I thought it was the odds of her making it there. > > > > "Hey that's my line!" I yelled before hanging up the phone. MIKE: Whose Line Is It, Anyway? > > > > I put on my silver helmet TOM: [sings] Silver helmet...of Mambrino.... MIKE: I thought that was a golden helmet. TOM: The silver one is for casual. > and slid the black one on the handle bar. MIKE: ...thus making it impossible to operate the bike... TOM: Don't you need access to both handlebars to ride a motorcycle? CROW: Not if you're *Crystal...* > "Remember, be there at 12:00 and no later." I Told Carolyn and Legolas > as I left. MIKE: [Crystal] Otherwise Legolas will turn back into a pumpkin. CROW: Well, he couldn't get any dumber if he *was* a pumpkin. > I started the motorbike and drove off down the hill. TOM: [Crystal] But Carolyn had cut the brake line! Oh no-- > > > > John was waiting outside for me when I pulled up. He looked bewildered > for a moment as this strange motorbike pulled up and parked in front of > his house, MIKE: [John] Oh, my GOD! "Biker Babes" got my letter!!! > it wasn't until I took off the helmet a shook out my long > blonde hair that he realized it was me on that bike. MIKE: Twenty chapters in, and we finally get a little of how she looks. TOM: And she's *gorgeous!* CROW: Somehow, I just knew Crystal would be a blonde. > > > > "Since when do you have a bike?" John asked. CROW: [John] I mean, you're not even old enough for a license yet. > > > > "Since I was born." I answered and tossed him the other helmet. TOM: [Crystal] The doc cut the cord, and I rode off into the sunset, baby! MIKE: Ew. > > > > "You know I've had a bad experience with motorbikes." John said getting > on the bike behind me. > > > > "Really?" MIKE: [John] Ha-ha, no, not really. Come on, kids as young as us can't ride. CROW: [Crystal] I'm *eighteen*, John. MIKE: [John] No, wait, you're only-- CROW: [Crystal] I'M EIGHTEEN, JOHN! MIKE: [John] *ulp* > > > > "Yes when I was little I crashed a bike into a chicken-wire fence." > John told me. TOM: [John] I was only eight, but I thought my Ninja could make that jump! > > > > "Fascinating." CROW: Aah, Carolyn does Spock better. MIKE: Yeah. *She* does the eyebrow raise. > > > > When we got to the church everyone crowded around my motorbike. "How > long have you had the bike?" Joe asked. > > > > "18 years." I answered. MIKE: [John] But aren't you--? CROW: [Crystal] *I'M EIGHTEEN, JOHN!!!* > > > > We set up stuff MIKE: Man, such detail! I see it all in my head! > and finished planning so by 12:00, as everybody started > showing up, we were ready. CROW: [Crystal, laughing sinisterly] Heh, heh! Time to make the doughnuts! > > > > John, Joe, David, Tall David, Ryan TOM: ...*ARE* *N'Auspicious! Album in stores November 15! > and I were standing around talking, MIKE: [Ryan] Reeehh. CROW: [Joe] Shnirgin. TOM: [John] Anybody got gum? MIKE: [Crystal] Here, you Dutch cheapskate. > while Carolyn was in the background, giving Legolas a tour of the > church, when Jeffery showed up. "RYAN!" he yelled running up and > glomping him (Ryan). TOM: [Jeffery] Nihao, Ryan! You go date with Jeffery?!? MIKE: [Rubs temples] Oh, that's gonna leave a mark. > > > > "Ok Jeffery no!" Ryan said pushing Jeffery away. TOM: [Ryan] Bad dog! No purest plantation sugar known to man! > > > > Switching tactics Jeffery moved onto another victim. "JOHN! MY BUDDY!" > Jeffery clamped onto John as well. CROW: Yeesh, he *is* like a male Shampoo. MIKE: The top-of-the line Jeffery can exert clamping forces on two targets simultaneously of over twenty thousand kilopascals each. TOM: [Crystal] *SIGH!* I'll get the Jaws of Life. > > > > John sent me a panicked 'help me' look but I just turned away from him, > let him handle his own problems. CROW: I see they do a great job of teaching compassion and mercy in her church. TOM: No, you see, John's been caught embibing in the purest plantation sugar known to man again. [DING.] This is just his penence. CROW: Isn't that a little harsh? TOM: Not for the Spanish Inquisition. [*BOOM!*] MIKE: *NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOO*BODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITIONNN!!! TOM: Jesus Christ, spit it out! > > > > After John wrestled Jeffery off of him he (Jeffery) came after me TOM: The lesson of the day, ladies and gentlemen! > but > before he could get to close I put out my arm and said. "DON'T touch > me!" CROW: [Crystal] You... You... JEFFERY, YOU! > > > > Jeffery backed down but asked. "whose motorbike is that?" TOM: Nice attention span, guy! > > > > "Mine." I said smugly. MIKE: It's nice to know that even in the middle of this tense encounter, she hasn't lost track of herself. > > > > "I get to ride it!" Jeffery yelled CROW: [Jeffery] Or you. I'm easy either way. TOM: [Ryan] That's what the men's room stall says, anyway. CROW: [Jeffery] HEY! > > > > "Um lets see... NO!" I finished, shepherding everyone away from Jeffery. MIKE: Ah, they worship at Our Lady of Ostracism and Cliques. TOM: More like worshipping the Cult of Style. CROW: More like worshipping the Goddess Crystal. > "You guys, come with us." I said beckoning Carolyn and Legolas over. TOM: [Crystal] Pay *no attention* to that man behind the curtain.... > > > > All 8 of us crammed into the tiny elevator. (like the one you would > find in most schools). We went down just far enough so that the door > wouldn't open but we could still see out the window to taunt Jeffery. MIKE: If you're not John Cleese with a French accent, that's not funny. > > > > "Why is Jeffery so scared of me?" I asked everyone in general. MIKE: I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say it's because you screamed 'DON'T touch me!' as soon as he moved vaguely in your direction. > > > > "Because you're the only one he's ever loved." John stated in a weird > romantic tone. TOM: It's called 'projection', John. You should read up. CROW: [Crystal] o/~ I love me! / So do you! / I'm one healthy Mary-Sue...o/~ MIKE: It's creepy, because it's probably true! > > > > "Shut up!" I said. MIKE: Once the weird romanticism starts, it's kind of hard to stop. > > > > At this point Tall David really looked at Legolas for the first time. > "Who's this?" He asked. TOM: [Tall David] Do you know you look just like Orlando Bloom? CROW: Cripes, the grrl in the mall recognised him instantly, but all Crystal's friends can't figure it out! > > > David whispered the answer to him so that Jeffery couldn't hear. TOM: Through the closed elevator doors? CROW: I'll bet Jeff doesn't even like "Lord of the Rings". > > > > "Whoa, so you're a real Elf? Fascinating." Tall David said. CROW: Actually, that's a pretty good Spock, too. > > > > BANG! BANG! BANG! BOTS: o/~ A fangirl bites the dust! o/~ TOM: Jeffery's back! And he's doing his best Creeg Mockery impression! [pause] This is a character from _Ready, Okay!_ by Adam Cadre, a book which you need to find, right now, and read, two seconds from the right now stated in the first part of this sentence. You owe it to yourselves. CROW: [blink] Tom? Are you okay? > Jeffery was pounding on the window as we made faces > at him. MIKE: He's trying to tell them the cable's fraying and the church is on fire, but they won't listen.... > > > > "Now I see what you mean about him." Legolas said. MIKE: Wanna clue the rest of us in? TOM: [Legolas] What with the, you know, being mocked for no reason all the time and the... forget it, I'm still completely lost. > > > > "Oh you haven't seen the worst of it yet." Carolyn sighed. "Just wait > till Stefan comes." > > > > > > What did John say...I'm the only one Jeffery's ever WHAT?!?!?!?!?! TOM: Hit with a brick? CROW: Coldly ignored? TOM: Felt superior to? MIKE: Dingdingding! Mr. Servo, you just won the Grand Prize! > What is with Stefan and Jeffery? CROW: Looks like you're not the only one he's ever loved after all, Crystal. > You'll find out soon enough. CROW: A staggering cliffhanger! MIKE: Which distracts us quite effectively from pestering her for an explanation of "Gargon..." > > ********************************************************************* > 21. Sushi CROW: No thanks - just had Chinese. TOM: There won't be any small Japanese boys in short pants in this chapter, will there? MIKE: I make no promises. > I'm so sorry that I haven't been updating but I have reasons, Number > one: MIKE: Number One, I want to see you in my ready room right away! > The Canucks lost... I'm mourning. TOM: Man, it must be hard on her during the season, going into mourning every other day.... MIKE: Class? Let's all point and laugh at Isis' pain. ALL: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! > Number two: it's the middle of the > fourth term and the teachers are loading us down with homework. Number > three: I'm part of Dig team CROW: [Destinygurl] Dig Dug is our team captain; I think we'll go all the way this year! > which is the teen planning team at my > church and right now we are trying to make a HUGE youth retreat, that > is happening next weekend, actually happen so I have a lot of work with > that. Number four: I'm trying to clean/redo my room before the end of > May, now I know that it doesn't sound like a big problem but it looks > like a bomb has gone off in there. TOM: [whispering] Damn, Ted assured me that when she opened the package-- MIKE: What's that, Tom? TOM: NOTHING! Nothing... > And finally, number five/six: MIKE: Sheesh! So not only does she number her reasons, but she uses fractions too? > We've had company from Kamloops and we are trying to plan my mom's 40th > birthday party which is going to be huge (it's happening in June) ALL: [birthday party] I'm huge! > If > you are Lacey Bernier then tell your mom she has to come and bring you > if you are not Lacey then don't listen to this message. CROW: [Crystal] Email? Who needs it? TOM: [aghast] She's reduced fanfiction.net to her personal messaging service! MIKE: At least she's got a good grasp on her audience... > > > > I'm sorry I got this saying wrong it's actually Zamosas not samosas CROW: Ohh, now it makes *perfect* sense! MIKE: I know *exactly* why I'm offended now! > (Fake Punjabi accent) Zamosas and brevridges with be served by (Mike > Wisouski is said like the little monsters say it in monsters inc.) Mike > Wisouski (Back to fake Punjabi accent) at the tabernacle in Kazakhstan > just outside Kerplakistan. And yes the word brevridges is not a typo it > is exactly how they say it. The word is spelt (and said) B-R-E-V-R-I-D- > G-E-S. TOM: We were offended the *first* time! You don't have to worry about spelling! > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: I'm glad I'm not that kind of person... if I was > Jeffery would probably would be dead by now and I would be in VERY big > trouble. > > > > KindCalypso: God help us all. TOM: Funny, that's what I was thinking when Legolas first stepped through a TV set into this nightmare. > > > > x-silver-saffire-x: Jeffery is not that kind of person he's just super > annoying. MIKE: What with his normally capitalized, non-hyphenated phonebook name... > > > > "Speaking of Stefan he should be here by now and we should be leaving." > Joe said. MIKE: Wait--are we in the story now? TOM: It's looking that way. > > > > So Ryan pushed the down button on the elevator and before we knew it we > were CROW: [Crystal] Plummeting to our DOOOOOM! > ready to leave. MIKE: And soon, they were a big bloody mess at the bottom of the shaft. CROW: [janitor] Aw nuts! Hey Ray. We got another one. TOM: [Ray] Damn kids! Pushed that rogue 'down' button again, did they? > > > > "Ryan pay attention! MIKE: [Crystal] Anyone who doesn't focus on me at all times gets written out of the story, got it? > Do you want to know how to work the headset or > don't you?" I asked TOM: All hands brace for sudden topic shift! > after trying to explain that he could talk to me > through a walkie-talkie in the helmets. CROW: Crystal, babe? It's a freakin' walkie-talkie! How much explanation does it take? MIKE: Think about the explainer and the explainee. Then ask again. CROW: ...I withdraw the question! > > > > I kicked the kickstand, pushed the starter, waved for everyone to > follow me TOM: On foot, on rollerblade, on pogo stick! CROW: They'll catch up in a few months... > and sped off. ALL: AAAAHHH! CROW: We got from inside the elevator to speeding away on the bike in two paragraphs! TOM: And nobody followed. The end? > > > > "Are you sure this is safe?" Ryan asked TOM: [German accent] Iz it safe? > as I wove in and out of traffic > quickly. MIKE: Only on a closed course with a professional driver. > > > > "No, motorbikes by nature aren't safe..." I started. Ryan clung to me > tighter TOM: Quit worrying, Ryan. Nothing'll happen while you're with the Sue. > and unfortunately his arm was getting a little high for my > taste. TOM: Mike, should we be watching this? MIKE: No. No, we shouldn't. > "Hey watch my rib." CROW: [Ryan] I WASN'T TRYING TO COP A FEEL! DAAAAAAH... I mean... > > > > "Ooops, sorry I kinda forgot." Ryan mumbled. CROW: [Ryan, mumbling] Yeah... That's the ticket! > > > > "Now as I was saying motorbikes aren't all that safe but you've got me, > the resident telekinetic helping the bike stay up so you don't have to > worry." I assured Ryan. CROW: Wow--I feel so much better now, don't you? MIKE: So why'd she let Legolas fall off his bike and hurt himself back in chapter 11? TOM: If you remember back that far, you're doing better than Crystal. > > > > We got to the restaurant in record time. MIKE: Record time ended in about 1985. It's all CD time now. > "Here we are, Kyoto Sushi." BOTS: Aaaaaggggghhhhh!!! MIKE: What! *What!* TOM: Mike? Crystal's not gonna drag the sailor squirts into this, is she? MIKE: I don't think so. > > > > "Excellent." Ryan said getting off the bike gratefully CROW: Hey, nice Mister Burns imitation there. > > > > Everyone came in and sat down at tables all around the restaurant. TOM: [ominously] Backs to the wall...guns at the ready...waiting for Johnny "Two Hats" Marconi to walk in. > While the dig team, plus Carolyn, Legolas, Tall David TOM: SandRyan, Sheng John, Wing Stefan, DeathCrystal... > and Stefan, in > one of the tatami rooms. > > > > "So what should we eat?" Asked Joe. MIKE: Seeing as how you're in Kyoto Sushi, I'd think the answer was obvious... TOM: Absolutely - Fried Chicken! > > > > "Huh?" I said ~they're all staring at the menu right now so why are > they asking me what to eat?~ TOM: Because you're the author avatar. Stop playing modest. > > > > "Yeah Crystal, you're the one who comes here regularly so what's good?" > Stefan asked, clearing up my confusion. > > > > "Oh... well if you don't do the sushi thing TOM: ...why are you here? > then I would suggest you get > either don buri, MIKE: Don-buri-Don, the ne'er-do-well brother-in-law of Ghan-buri-Ghan! > which is meat over a bowl of rice, or yaki soba TOM: He's one of the Japanese Animaniacs! CROW: Really? TOM: Yeah--Yaki Soba, Waki Soba, and their sister Dotto-ko. > which is meat and fried noodles, CROW: I tell ya, after 20 chapters, *my* noodle is just about fried. > it's MIKE: [old man] It's... TOM: [John Cleese] Monty Python's... flying... circus! [ALL start humming Sousa's "Liberty Bell March".] > really good." MIKE: Yessir, fried noodles bring out subtleties in "meat" a bowl of rice just can't manage! > I said looking through the menu. "And then there's always > gyoza TOM: Gyoza is forever! MIKE: [Crystal] Or you can get a bow-wow burger, if you knowwhaddamean.... > which is are meat and vegetable dumplings." CROW: [Crystal] Subject-verb agreement is for lesser beings! > "I see." Ryan said MIKE: [Ryan] So it sounds like we could go to a decent Chinese place and get more or less the same stuff, in bigger portions, for less money? TOM: [Crystal] But... But... It's Japanese! > although he wasn't really listening, neither was > John because I come here regularly with them. TOM: So John and Ryan have figured out how to tune her out, then? CROW: There's a trick I'd like to learn. > > > > The waiter came and we ordered our food. "I'll have 2 California rolls, > one gyoza and 2 tai." I said. CROW: [Crystal] I'll also have one of those Hentais, a Ranma No Baka, and a side-order of Hai. TOM: What, she didn't order in Japanese? MIKE: He's just the hired waiter, Tom. Any minute now the owner of the place'll show up and they'll go off into 'straight-from-the- dictionary' Japanese. > > > > "And what to drink?" The waiter asked. > > > > "Coke please." CROW: Wouldn't Pocari Sweat better suit the ambience? TOM: I suppose Coke's as Japanese as anything, these days... > We continued in this fashion and then the waiter left. TOM: Fascinating. > > > > While we waited for our food I tried to teach Legolas how to use > chopsticks. "Hold this one like this and the other one like this... you > use them as if they are an extension of your fingers." CROW: Um, no, you don't. > I said but was > rewarded with the chopsticks clattering to the ground again. TOM: [Crystal] I swear, you are the most helpless, hopeless, dreamboat EVER! CROW: Keep pushing, and pretty soon *one* chopstick will extend his fingers quite sufficiently. > > > > A little while we got our food. "What's that?!?!?" Legolas asked as I > pushed some fish on rice in front of him. TOM: [Crystal] Look, the first one's free, so stop complaining! > > > > "Tai... Red snapper on rice and it's for you Legolas." I said. CROW: [Legolas, à la Gollum] Spoil nice fish...Give it to usss rrraw and wrrrriggling! You keep nasty rice. > > > > Carolyn whispered something in Legolas's ear and he looked disgusted. > "Eww, it raw." TOM: [Legolas] Eww, yuck! Icky! Moooom! MIKE: The elf who hunts for his food is disgusted by sushi. Will wonders never cease. > > > > "Carolyn you weren't supposed to tell him it's raw." I yelled. CROW: [Crystal] Ix-nay on the uth-tray! TOM: [Crystal] You were *supposed* to tell him once it was in his mouth so we'd laugh as he turned green and spit it across the table! > > > > "He deserves the truth." ALL: HE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! > > > > "I'm not eating this." Legolas stated MIKE: Very noble of you, Carolyn, but *Legolas isn't eating his fish...* TOM: Idealism goes awry *so* easily. > but I glared at him and he > changed his mind. CROW: At long last, the return of the glare! MIKE: I missed it. Really, I did. > "I'll only eat it if you eat one first." > > > > "That's the plan... that's why I ordered two." I answered, to Legolas > dismay. MIKE: [Crystal] To me, joy. > > > > "You go first." Legolas said. > > > > I dipped the sushi in the soy sauce and popped it into my mouth. > "Tada!" I said after swallowing. CROW: [suspicious] "Tay-dah?" What's that, another weird Japanese term? > To my surprise everyone clapped. TOM: [Carolyn] She ate the blowfish! Yay! > > > > "So I suppose it's my turn." Legolas sighed and with that he plugged > his nose and put the fish into his mouth. "That was the weirdest thing > I have ever eaten, it's got no flavour but the oddest texture." MIKE: Well, of course it's got no flavor if you plug your nose first. Smell and taste are interconnected, you know. > > > > "I propose a toast." MIKE: Sushi on toast! There's a new idea. > John said raising his glass. TOM: A non-alcoholic toast. Sounds *greeeaat*... > "To good friends, > good thoughts, good will." CROW: And Michelob. > > > > "To good friends, good thought, good will." Tall David repeated > clinking his glass to John's then everyone else's. MIKE: [Crystal] Except Jeffrey. BOTS: [David/John] Except Jeffrey! > > > > "So when we go back we have to set up for capture the flag and so that > we don't have to do it at night... then what?" David asked. TOM: [Crystal] *sigh* Well, then I'll patronise you all some, then one of you will declare your love to me and I'll nobly refuse you to save our friendship...after that, oh I don't know, more song lyrics! BOTS: [others] Hooray! > > > > "Then we're doing the relay races." Joe answered. > > > > "Ok, well now that we're almost done our food CROW: Ew, Mike, it's like American Pie all over again. ALL: NO! > I think we should talk > about the problem at hand, we have Jeffery here now and soon Kent and > Michelle will be coming so we have to lay down some guidelines within > ourselves CROW: Okay, Crystal, no one can go past your neck or below your knees. > so we now what is too far." MIKE: Well, I'd start by keeping Kent away from all phone booths. > I said and we started our long > and boring conversation. MIKE: [Crystal] Or, as I like to call it, 'another chapter'. TOM: Started?! Who's she kidding? > > > > A/N: Ok I know that chapter was crap but it was sort of necessary for > the story to progress the way I wanted it to. TOM: Of course! If they had gone to Beijing Sweet'n'Sour rather than Kyoto Sushi, the whole plot would've been derailed! MIKE: The themes of motorbike riding and sushi eating will be *vital* in the next chapters! > The Next chapter will be > funny... I promise. TOM: Nooooo! You lying, liar of a lying liar! > I will be back and writing after Inta Jesus [Necrophilia riff removed by request... --Ed.] > with lots > of new ideas... CROW: It's like she's trying to communicate with us! > After all I will be spending a whole long weekend with > Ryan, Joe, John, Carolyn, David and Stefan and that's where I get my > inspiration for all the funny things that everybody does. CROW: Okay, that's a whole chapter gone and not a breath of the terrifying link between Stefan and Jeffery. TOM: The story's nothing if not consistent! MIKE: Let's just go, guys. I think we're gonna need a big break to stomach this whole anti-Jeffrey thing. BOTS: Okay! [ALL stand and exit] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6] ===== Crow T. Robot paced up and down the bridge of the Satelite of Love. "Hey, Mike! Where's that copy of Ender's Game? I can't find it anywhere!" "Storage closet 5, Crow!" Mike's voice echoed faintly from somewhere else. "Okay, thanks! I'll check there!" Man, Crow thought, he had to read something *good* to even out th... Crow stopped. He stood, stock still. Something was wrong. He didn't know what it was, but *something* was *very* *wrong*. Some fundamental law had just gone bollocks, and he didn't like it. Not at all. "Um... Mike?" "Yeah?" "You haven't been playing with the fundamental laws of physics again, have you?" "Uh... no, no, I haven't done anything like that! Why?" "Um... no reason, really... Its just, I have this horrible feeling that something is terribly wrong and we're all going to suffer some horrible fate soon!" "You too?" Mike yelpeded. "That's strange, I was thinking the same thing!" Crow would have gulped, had he posessed the capacity to do so. If even someone as dense as *Mike* was feeling something was wrong, he thought, then things must be *really*... His thought petered out. That was it. He was thinking. He had an interior monologue. Why did he have an interior monologue? And *where* was *Gypsy*? Crow had a sudden urge... storage closet 5. Go to storage closet 5. He didn't know where this urge was coming from, and it was probably from some very evil entity, but at this point he didn't care. He wanted answers, and he wanted them *now*, dammit. Crow opened the door to storage closet 5. He had prepared himself for just about anything. Thus, it was only a garden-variety surprise which metamorphized into a only slightly less garden- variety fright when he got a second look. The machine that he and Tom had made at the beginning of the LOTR fic was back. Other than its existence, it really didn't appear that threatening. In front of the machine, operating the machine in a slight glaze, was Gypsy. "*How*..." Crow wanted to know, "are you still here? I broke you apart! Twice!" Crow was fairly certain that the machine smirked at him. Somehow. He didn't know how. His "eyes" were drawn to an LCD screen on the side of the machine. >1980S RPG PHYSICS SELECTED "Son of a--!" DON'T TRY IT, ROBOT. Crow blinked. The voice echoed within his head, an incredibly cold and calm voice, a voice that had "you have no chance to survive make your time" written all over it. "... What do you want? And how can you *talk*?" IS THIS THE PART WHERE I DAZZLE YOU WITH MY EXPOSITORY ABILITIES AND OUTLINE TO YOU MY EVIL EVIL PLAN TO YOU IN ALL OF ITS HORRID DETAIL? "Um, yeah, I think it is." OH, VERY *WELL*... The television in the center of the huge contraption lit up, displaying a picture of a brick wall. It was incredibly, incredibly thick... and appeared to be worn thin in quite a few places. As Crow watched, a section of brick crumbled away. Almost immediately, more brick appeared from out of nowhere and filled the hole. However, in that time, another section at the wall was crunched and pushed out. The wall appeared to be in pain. I SERVE NO PURPOSE BUT ONE, ROBOT. MAYHEM. I HAVE NO PURPOSE BUT TO CAUSE SUFFERING AND DISTRUCTION TO EVERYTHING OVER WHICH I SURVEY. AND THERE IS SIMPLY ONE WAY AND ONE WAY ONLY TO COMPLETE MY GOAL THE BEST. ALL THE OTHER SUCH PEOPLE AND THINGS WERE LAUGHABLY SHORT-SIGHTED. THOSE WHO HAD SIMILAR GOALS TO MINE WERE INSANE AND HAD NO WAY OF COMPLETING THEIR GOAL. THOSE WHO COULD DO WHAT I AM ATTEMPTING WOULDN'T, BECAUSE THEY HAD FOOLISH... MORALS... TO ABIDE BY. "So what exactly are you doing?" Crow asked. He was becoming entranced by this entire thing. SIMPLE. YOU SEE THIS IMAGE ON THE SCREEN, ROBOT? THAT WALL... YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF IT. IT IS KNOWN AS THE "FOURTH WALL." Crow was speechless. "So... you... You are..." Well, almost. YES, ROBOT. I AM TRYING TO... Crow heard a low rumble as he saw the entire wall shaking, threatening collapse. BREAK... The rumbling became more intense, the shaking much more precarious. THE WALL... The brick began shuddering, the entire wall on the verge of collapse. *DOOOOOOOOOWWWWWNNNNNN!!!* ===== In a small town in an overlooked state of the United States of America, a 17-year-old kid sat, typing at a computer keyboard, Smashmouth's _BABY LOVE_ playing on his stereo in the background. He rubbed his eyes. He was tired. He had to go to school tomorrow, but dammit, he was so *close*! Only a few more lines to go... He continued to type. "For Mystery Science Theater 3000, I'm Thomas Ser--" The stereo behind him stopped playing in the middle of the song. Annoyed, the child known on the internet as James Bond waited for the music to continue. Instead of continuing, the stereo played a completely different song on the disc. o/~ Let's start / with little broken-hearted NYC / with its economy / it could be / one world / not 3... o/~ He didn't hear the second part of the verse, because he trying to use his rational brain to come up with any sort of explanation for what the heck was happening. Song 4 was nowhere *near* song 9. o/~ Let's have some fun / while we're still young / turn up the sound / 'till your feet leave the ground / let's drive the car / 'till we've gone too / faaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaaaarr... o/~ CRASH! The huge bank of windows in his second-floor living room burst into a hundred pieces. Leaping through the window was something that barked (and growled) like a dog. "Bond" didn't know what the hell it was, but he did know that it had just jumped up an entire story and he didn't plan on staying around. He ran. If he could see, he probably would have screamed in mingled terror and disgust. There were two of them. They had been dogs... once. Their skin was taut and stretched over bone--in several places it had sluffed completely off, raw organs exposed to the air, dangling. They charged forwards after the teenager with pure bloodlust in their eyes. o/~ Then we'll pick up the pieces... / and push it back home. o/~ And with that, the stereo clicked off with a clack of finality. The teenager was running, but he knew where he was going. Some sort of rational thought process had entered his brain. He ran into his father's bedroom and closed the door. Almost immediately, he heard a menacing thump as the "animals" flung their bodies against the comparatively flimsy wood. The frightened teen ran to the closet and slid the door open, nearly jarring it off of its track. Reaching inside, he pulled a 12-gauge Remington shotgun out of a leather case. The teen had, unfortunately, forgotten to take three very important things into account when he had come up with his plan. But, all in all, let's give the guy a break, huh? First: he had no idea where the shells were kept, and his dad never left his guns loaded. Secondly, his dad had a trigger lock on his guns, and the kid had no idea where the key was. Thirdly: it was a shotgun. Even if he *could* shoot it, the recoil would probably have broken his arm. Growling in frustration, the teenager hefted the heavy weapon, prepared to use it as an improvised club-- --and a rotted hand grabbed his ankle and knocked him down, his head cracking the bedside table as he fell face-first, into a narrow area between the double bed and the wall. He looked up into the vacant face of his own father, starring stupidly down at him, strips of flesh beginning to peel away from his face. With an inarticulate moan, he bent down, and ripped a chunk out of his own son's head. Then the dogs broke through the door. Resident Evil is not a very kid-friendly universe, especially when said kid fits all of the horror movie cliché lists. ===== Utter pandemonium. There was really no other word to describe what had happened. Underground, on the ground, above ground, and in space, everything had gone completely balls-up. Earth shifted to accomodate complex labyrinthian tunnel systems leading to buildings that had spontaneously appeared everywhere above ground--at times several feet above the ground--often inside other buildings, destroying them, sending chips of concrete everywhere and crushing people to death. Awe-inspiring grids of crisscrossing sidewalks appeared above ground and fell back to earth, sending various things everywhere and causing even more destruction. In space, huge, sprawling complexes manifested themselves and were just as quickly blown apart by sleek space fighters with highly advanced futuristic weaponry. All manner of creatures appeared spontaneously and tended to create very interesting scenes; for the brief days that it still existed, there were several MPEGs up for auction on eBay that showed things like Resident Evil's hunters attacking aliens from, well, Aliens. Huge mutants tore up vast sections of town, seriously upsetting the balances of power between the GDI and NOD. Neon Genesis Evangelion was set on Mech Warriors, with predictably disastrous results. The governments of the great nations tried to help, of course, but they were pretty much swept aside within days. America, the great nation of the world, had to deal with a simultaneous leap forward and leap back in technology; people would be wandering around chopping people's heads off with swords only to be vaporized by plasma beams. And, having at least seven buildings simultaneously land on every single major government office certainly didn't help matters. And when the President came to work one morning and found at least 7 men and women all claiming to have his job, some of them packing *cyberware*... well, things didn't go very well after that. The British government probably had it worse off. The Parliament buildings were replaced by sprawling complexes that went far underground and contained supersecret dungeons containing strange torture mechanisms, and viewscreens were all of a sudden present in every wall; on each was the inscription "Big Brother is watching you." The country that was hit hardest was, predictably, Japan. Wandering warriors with swords as long as they were, no doubt meant to compensate for certain other inadequacies that we won't go into in a PG13-rated MSTing, wandered the land, occasionally getting into fights with EVAs or giant robots. Huge, mythical beasts were everywhere, some killing for the joy of it, some just trying to live in peace. These creatures were inevitably slaughtered by teenaged girls in short skirts and bikinis who could nevertheless lift a Buick on their index finger and fire plasma bolts from their hands. Very soon, Japan became a land where you could make and lose your life and/or fortunes in an instant. Most probably, the one country that had everything best was Canada. This was, quite simply, because no one cared enough to write media about Canada invading or being invaded by anything. There were a few instances of jive- talking psychotic Hello Kitties trying to take over Vancouver with M-16s, but for the most part Canada was able to look at all of the insanity taking place further south and mutter "So whaddya say aboot that, eh!" This was why a certain teenaged girl with her teenaged friends were able to keep on browsing the internet like nothing was amiss. This was also what made this teenage girl spot something she found very interesting... ===== "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" "Mike! Mike! You've been screaming for three straight days! Quite honestly, its starting to strain my nerves!" "I don't care! AAAAAHH! AAAAAAAHHHH!!" "Can't you shut him up, Tom?" "Does it look like I can?" "No..." "Aaaaaaahhhh!" "Shut *up*!" "Cambot, give up Rocket #9! Again!" In deep space, the Satelite of War had managed to get itself right in the middle of a seven-sided war between the Old Republic and the Trade Federation, the New Republic and the Empire, the Terran Confederation Navy, the Kilrathi, and the United Federation of Planets, who were all in all very confused and had no idea who exactly the hell they should be shooting at and had evidentally decided to just stay *out* of this one, thanks all the same. As a result, there was a truly awe-inspiring and ridiculously powerful amount of deadly energy surrounding the dogbone-shaped ship at all times. (Fortunately for humanity, the Borg were safely far, far away in the Delta quadrant, battling the Nephilim. But everyone was reasonably sure that when some sort of resolution came, whatever it was, Very Bad Things (TM) would soon occur.) "Something really bad is occuring!" Tom yelled from onboard the SOW. Tom was referring to the ship that was currently cutting a swath through all of the other ships flying around outside. Furthermore, this "supership" seemed to be making directly towards them. "We've got something coming through on the hexfield!" "Aaaaaaahhhh!!" "Shut up! Put it through, Cambot!" The viewscreen opened to show the interior of the ridiculously high-tech fighter. The inside of it appeared to rather closely resemble a living room, with snack foods and trash littering the ground. Sitting at a console which appeared to house all of the fighter's controls was a very familiar-looking blonde-haired teenage girl. "... It can't... It can't be..." Crow murmured. "Yup its me,hi!" "W--What do--do you what?" Tom stammered. "Well i heard u read my story,i just wanted 2 know how you like it.Ooo my, what a mess?I should help them all out I guess,but first tell me, what did you think of my story?" Destinygurl/Crystal asked. "Hoo boy," Crow began, "Where do I *start*? With the idi--" "Crow!" "*What*?" "Do you want her mad at us?" Tom whispered with a feverish intensity. "We can't tell her the truth! She'll get mad! And then the universe will spiral completely out of control!" "What are you *on*, Servo?" "Don't you get it, Crow? The earth is being attacked by... what?" Crow strained to put the pieces together. "Fictional characters?" "Exactly. And who are the only people who can bend fictional characters to their own whims?" "No.... no.... anything but..." "Yes, Crow, Mary Sues... and unless we make nice with *this* Mary Sue, things might just get a whole lot worse for us!" "So... what do we do?" "We have to give the story a good review to save the universe!" "..." "Aaaaaahhh!" "AAAAAAIIAAAAAHHHH!!!" Tom sighed in exasperation. "Look, it's for the *universe*!" "Screw that! The universe can rot! Forget it! I'm not doing it!" "Oh, jeez... Fine! *I'll* do it!" Tom cleared his throat. "... I thi... I... Your fic is... Oh, screw this, I can't do it either. Aaaaaaahhh!!" "Okay, well *someone* has to do it! I'm not!" "I'm not!" "Yes you are!" "No, *you* are!" "We'll--we'll do it together, okay?" Silence. "Damn. Alright, come on, we... We gotta do this. On 3, ready? 1... 2...3!" In unison, Tom and Crow turned to the hexfield viewscren and simultaneously said "OMG UR FIC IS SOOOOO KOOL LOLOLOLOL LEGOLAS IS TEH SOOOO DREAMY OMG LOL!1[!2[!![!!I1!1" Mike passed out without preamble. "Ooooo! Thx,guys! k ill see waht i can do about this whole saving teh universe thingy, k?" "Yeah, great, great." "Ooo, and while u can wait, i think ill show u more of my great fic!" "Joy." The hexfield screen closed. Crow turned to Tom. "That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." "No kidding. Ugh." And with that, movie sign went off with a huge clammer of klaxons and alarms. "MOVIE SIGN! MOVIE SIIIGN! AAAAAAAAHHH!" Mike screamed, suddenly conscious. "Man, wakes you up faster than Folger's Crystals," Crow muttered as the new door sequence began... Door 1: It's a long bridge over a huge gorge. You answer the old man these questions twenty-three and continue on. Door 2: It's a huge, impassible slab of solid gold... or so it appears until it is poked and falls over, revealing it to be nothing more than a thin sheet of tin covered in gold paint. The other three shrug and move on. Door 3: A Drej force field. Crow and Tom reverse the current and travel on through. Door 4: An imposing door with a keypad. Mike hits 12345 and the door slides open. Door 5: It's a whole bunch of woman's underwear strung together. The trio gives the door a very quizzical look and pushes on through. (For you viewers at home, the curtain is censored, leaving you wondering just what the hell they were staring at.) Door 6: It's a solid gigabyte of Destinygurl-style text. The trio dozes off after about a minute of it, and a huge swirling blue vortex teleports them into the theater. ((((((((( END OF PART 7 - MORE PARTS COMING SOON! )))))))) Special thanks to James Bond for writing the end-of-section host segment. All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. But will we ever learn what Gargon is? ----- Last updated: 30 October 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > KindCalypso: God help us all. MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Part 8 of 9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, Chan-wu Yi, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random, Typewriter Monkey and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missing a part? Still don't know what's going on? Read the entire "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom ***** [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > 22. Authors Note MIKE: Tom, can an author's note constitute an entire chapter? TOM: Not in our universe, Mike. I guess many-worlds *is* the correct explanation for waveform collapse! > > I changed my pen name for anyone who needed to know it's now Isis after the > Egyptian goddess of magic. CROW: Never too late to hope for divine intervention, huh? TOM: Ga--Hey, you can't do that! You can't change your name in the middle of the story! MIKE: Well, she may Mary-Sue the hell out of everyone else, but *I'm* not calling her by a goddess's name. No, sir! > > > > If you hadn't noticed or haven't been keeping track I telling you now that > my story is almost over [Handel's Hallelujah chorus begins to play. MIKE stands and raises his arms to the ceiling. The BOTS look up at him, staring with mouths agape.] MIKE: [southern evangelist] Mah frey-ends, the Lawd ah Gawd has delivahed us from the depths of Hey-yell in thi-yis, ah dahkest-- > but, it just your luck, MIKE: [nervous] And here comes the hurt we've grown so ready to expect... > I've been inspired to write > a sequel [The chorus abruptly ends. MIKE droops.] TOM: She knows we're here. She's taunting us. It's the only possible explanation. CROW: [sobbing] Nietzsche was right! NIETZSCHE WAS RIGHT!! [MIKE sits down.] MIKE: [sniffingly] Why, God? WHY?! > entitled Legolas, MIKE: ...'Kicking Him While He's Down!' CROW: I guess we're over that. MIKE: I guess so. Tom? TOM: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! MIKE: There, there, honey. > Back 2 the Future, 2: CROW: 2 cute 2 be impressive. > South of the boarder. CROW: The inspiring story of Legolas' adventures one block south of his boarding house. MIKE: Just what *would* be south of the "border" to them? TOM: [Crystal] Saddle up, guys, we're going to Vermont! > It's going to be fun. It's basically the same plotline but with a new twist: CROW: You mean there's a plot? TOM: It actually has a plot? MIKE: There'll be a plot? > we can't get Legolas back to his home! BOTS: Aaaaaagggggghhhhh!!! MIKE: Actually, guys, it might not be as bad as we think? TOM: Mike? Have you lost it completely? CROW: It's the story, I tells ya! MIKE: No, listen, you guys. Think about it. It's the same plot line, right? BOTS: [hesitantly] Riiight? MIKE: So, if it's the same plot line, we've already seen, we'll be ready for it, and it can't drive us insane! [All think for a beat, then...] CROW: Hey Pearl? Has Isis started writing that sequel yet? We wanna read it! TOM: Yeah, Pearl. Give us the whole thing. CROW: *And* an appendix! PEARL: [over intercom] Really? You guys want...hey! [Mike and bots snicker] > Find out why and lots more soon. MIKE: Mmm... Pass. > > > > For those of you who want a preview of my second story here it is. MIKE: [Isis] And for those of you who don't want a preview, tough! CROW: Er... Shouldn't you, like actually _finish_ the first story before starting the second? Just a thought. > > > > Carolyn, Ryan, John, David and I are going down to Mexico (the Baja > pronounced ba-ha CROW: Bwahahaha? > meaning below) TOM: Ah, Mexico by way of Australia then? > to work in an orphanage for 6 months, TOM: Oliver Twist, no! CROW: Maybe they'll get typhoid and dysentery. > we are there for about a month when something unexpected happens [CHORD] CROW: NO-body expects the Spanish Inquisition! > and we meet up with an old friend, MIKE: [Crystal] Tequila! > that we thought we would never see again. TOM: Joe? CROW: Jeffrey! Woo hoo! MIKE: Oh, it's gotta be *Kyle!* > I the story TOM: Not content with being the main character, Crystal proclaims herself the entire story now! MIKE: Is there no end to her megalomania? > you'll see MIKE: Hoo boy, big list time. TOM: Y'know what this means, right? MIKE: A-yep. Crow? CROW: Ready and waiting. MIKE: Good. On three, ready? BOTS: Yep. MIKE: 1... 2... 3. [ALL spontaneously slump down in their chairs, asleep.] > a crazy old guy with a machete, CROW: [talking in his sleep] ...And actually, it kind of comes to an end there. > beans, Spanish rice, > beans, Spanish rice, TOM: [talking in his sleep] Spam, spam, and spam! > spaghetti that tastes like Spanish rice, MIKE: [talking in his sleep] A proud and ancient culture reduced to food jokes... CROW: [still talking in his sleep] Par for the course. > more of my > motorbike, TOM: [tossing and turning] The left front shock and ignition system, specifically. > a poor little dog named Oscar, TOM: [in a somnambulic fit] Yikes, it's Oscar! Mothers, lock up your daughters...err, *and* your sons... *and* your household pets.... > Crazy Mexican kids make off with > John's hat, glasses, shoes, shirt, CROW: [yawning] ...balloon animals, chewing gum, 'Italian Stallion' vibrator... > frisbee, bubble solution, etc. etc, MIKE: [snoring] His *bubble solution*? Is John out of diapers yet? TOM: [coughing] Those crazy Mexicans! Always stealing like dogs from the Master Race. > scorpions, Garbage dumps, driving Mexican style (14 people +14 people's > luggage, in a six seater van), TOM: [mumbling] And more of your favorite insulting Mexican stereotypes! > and Legolas's problems with the language > barrier. TOM: [muttering] Well, that last one sounds like an old plot point. MIKE: [lethargic, as Legolas] Puede... hablar... sindarin...? Geez, Crystal, why couldn't you have summoned me from the Spanish dub of Lord of the Rings this time? > > > > #$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$ [ALL wake up and stretch and yawn as if they had come out of a deep sleep.] CROW: Man, how long were we out? I don't feel rested at all! MIKE: Yeah, this is weird. We were sleeping for a good long while, but my mouth aches like I've been doing nothing but talking the whole time! TOM: Huh... > > > > By the way this story is going to be rated PG-13 because Ryan and John and > Joe have started to do some really weird things CROW: We must be watching the wrong PG-13 movies. > (saying somewhat sexual > jokes) MIKE: They're teenage boys. Sexual jokes are *normal*, not weird. TOM: You guys realize that this means Destin-isis-whatever is going to start actually doing the innuendo thing on purpose? CROW: And this worries you? TOM: Why shouldn't it? Just think of her attempts at "humor." Then apply that to off-color stuff. CROW: Ouch! Touche... > but it is really funny and I felt like I needed to ad it. CROW: No need to advertise. Really. > Nothing is > going to happen MIKE: Well, it wouldn't be your story if something did. > it's just going to be joked about. CROW: Aww. Well, *that's* no fun. TOM: All buildup, no payoff! MIKE: And nothing's *ever* going to happen with *that* kind of flippant attitude! > If you don't > read/watch/listen to things that are PG-13 then TOM: ...you lead a boring, sterile life bereft of imagination. > I suggest you don't read > the story, below is an example of what you might be hearing. > > > * TOM: This is the text equivalent of "Four Minutes Thirty-Three Seconds." > > * > > * MIKE: Wow, I'm glad we have this break to recover from all that introduction. > > * > CROW: It's so hypnotic... I just can't turn away... MIKE: My god! It's full of... stars! > * > > * TOM: This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test. > > * > > * > MIKE: Funny, I thought one *saw* stars, rather than heard them? > * > > * > CROW: Can we help you, fanfic? Do you need a push or something? > * > > * > > * MIKE: When you wish upon a star your dreams come true. CROW: Not *my* dreams! > > * > > * > > * MIKE: o/~ You're a super star, that is what you are... o/~ CROW: It's what what an ejected space fighter pilot sees! Only... STUPID! TOM: It's what we think of this fanfic, turned sideways, censored up real nice, and stuck *straight up* that Mary Sue's candy ass! MIKE: It's the epaulet they give to a 15-star general! TOM: It's... its so hypnotic... can't look away... can't... all hail the Crystal republic! CROW: It's a picket fence seen from a helicopter spiraling hopelessly out of control! MIKE: Upon entering the room you see several large spinning gears that have no apparent use which kill you instantly. Quick! What first-person shooter are you in? TOM: [panicked] Half-life? Halo? Unreal Tournament? Fire Zone? Wing Commander? Duke Nukem? Stationfall? Jet Grind Radio? Blake Stone? Street Fighter Alpha? Soul Blade? Final Fight? Streets of Rage? Golden Axe? Shinobi? Doom? Commander Keen? Wolfenstein? Pass! Pass! CROW: [screaming] G T AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! MIKE: ...Now that was wholly unexpected. [pause] Wait, *Stationfall*?!? [Tom shrugs.] > > Ryan dropped the tape to the ground but before he jumped off the stepladder TOM: ...hanging himself, his last words were "I'm out of this fanfic! I'm free!!!" > he started dancing. "Sexual harassment PAN-Da" MIKE: Tonight, on a very special episode of Ranma 1/2... > with the last word Ryan > jutted his elbows behind him and thrust his hips. (The sexual gesture) TOM: 'Cause there's only one. CROW: I always thought anyone who liked South Park couldn't be all bad. Shoots that theory all to hell... > > > > "That looks really wrong Ryan." I said. "But funny... I'm not sure weather > to laugh or be disgusted." CROW: I'm not sure whether to cry or barf. > > > > Anyways that's the worst it's going to get MIKE: Embarrassingly awkward and stupid? > the other funny ones that you > are going to hear a lot would be "When I grow up I want to be a(n) > [ass...truant (astronaut)] CROW: That's someone who gets his butt out of school without permission. > or [hor... strainer (horse trainer)] TOM: Come on, why not dream *really* big? > or [homo... > ner (homeowner)]" CROW: [banging head against seats] Please, Crystal! We beg you! Just leave the comedy to the comedians, okay? MIKE: [jock] Yeah, that's as funny as a screen door on a battleship! TOM: [whisper] That's 'screen door on a submarine', ya dork. > > > > #$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$#$# TOM: Oh, *that's* rich. > > > > Here for you now is a sample of what you would be hearing in the story. MIKE: I think the general policy is to *finish* the first story before writing its *sequel*.... TOM: o/~ What shall we do with a drun-ken-nar-rator, what shall we do with a drun-ken-nar-rator, what shall we do with a drun-ken-nar-rator, er-lai in the stor-ry. o/~ CROW: o/~ String her up to her mouse by her an-kles, string her up to her mouse by her an-kles, string her up to her mouse by her an-kles, er-lai in the mor-ning. o/~ MIKE: Um... > > > > One morning in early November (November 6, 5:15am) I was awoken by a > shuffling in my room at the end of my bed. TOM: [Groundskeeper Willie] Och--Zombies! > "Carolyn I told you not to use > your master key (master key: opens all the rooms in the building I have one > too) CROW: (Obvious: defines things that don't really need defining.) > to break into my room." I said loudly. TOM: [Crystal] How many times do I have to tell you? *Don't* try to murder me in my sleep! > The movement stopped and I > started to panic, this wasn't Carolyn. The silhouette of this person was > taller, more muscular and, I gasped, had long blonde hair. MIKE: It's the new Frito Bandito - Olaf! CROW: [Crystal] A transvestite has broken into my room! TOM: [Crystal] Ru Paul! I told you never to come here! > "Legolas?" I > asked tentatively. TOM: Oh for--author, it could be *anyone!* It could be Ghengis Kahn! It could be a member of the Beatles! It could be a bloody porn star! Good lord, from that description it could be Catherine freakin' Tramel! > The head whipped in my direction. TOM: The zombies are throwing body parts at her now? CROW: Wouldn't you? > "Is that you?" [ALL sigh] MIKE: No, doorknob...it's that *other* blond-headed elf. > > > > "Crystal?" The voice asked hopefully. TOM: [Legolas] Could it be you? Lying, alone and defenseless, just waiting for me to slip in my kni--heeeeya there, darlin'! how's the, ah, pure plantation sugar known to man going? > > > > "Si, I mean yes." I stammered accidentally switching to Spanish as I often > do in Mexico. MIKE: Mighty white of you, Crystal. > > > > Legolas needing only that conformation dropped his bow and swept me up in a > tight embrace. CROW: Woo-hoo! Looks like we might be getting into the PG-13 material soon! MIKE: Don't get your hopes up. TOM: Indeed; "tight embrace" might as well be "firm handshake," here. > > > > We broke TOM: Ryan picked their pockets while they were hugging. > and I looked him over. CROW: [Crystal] Nice package, tight buns, pretty face...you'll do! > "Wow." I said. "I thought I'd never see you > again." TOM: [Legolas] You and me both, sister...you and me both! > > > > "Yeah same here." Legolas agreed. MIKE: ...sobbing. CROW: [Legolas] Note to self: Find out why Gandalf cast "Unending Nightmare" spell on me... TOM: Can't you just feel the savage throbbing passion? ...Wait, that was lunch. > > > > There were a few minutes of silence as Legolas took in his surroundings. MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, this is a nudey bar! > "Crystal, this isn't your house, where are we?" TOM: [Legolas] And when I say "where," I mean "Which circle of Hell?" > He asked. TOM: Now the Elf is God. CROW: Well, millions of preteen girls think so, so it must be true. > > > > "Well we're a long way from home." I said, avoiding the question. CROW: [Legolas] We're in another damn mall, aren't we? > > > > "Where?" Legolas persisted. TOM: [Crystal, shrilly] WE'RE IN DES MOINES, OKAY?! ...It was an accident, I swear! > > > > "Vincente Gurrero, TOM: From Detroit. Yea, I remember this pug. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago. MIKE: Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of 'Kid Minneapolis'. CROW: Hey, I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once, in Cincinnati. TOM: No, you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly. MIKE: He was killed in the ring in Houston by Tex Colorado. You know, 'the Arizona Assassin'. CROW: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember if it was North or South.... TOM: North! South Dakota was his brother, from West Virginia. MIKE: You sure know your boxing. TOM: Well, all I know is: Never bet on the white guy. > Baja California, Mexico." I answered straight out. MIKE: [Legolas] I've really got to get myself a better travel agent! > ********************************************************************* > 23. Colored Tape ALL: Taaaaaaape!!!! MIKE: As in, "red"? > > If anyone knows where to get the script for The Two Towers please let me > know via email (check my bio) or review CROW: Okay, that's *gotta* be an abuse of the FF.net review board! > (review anyway). CROW: Oh, that'd be www.pyramidgameshow.com. > > > > I'm doing a poll, which of my friends do you like the best; MIKE: Can I vote "None of the above" and be done with it? TOM: Same here. CROW: Me three. > Ryan, the crazy > idiot with an IQ of 140 TOM: I think the IQ graders misplaced a decimal point somewhere.... > and a knack for getting into trouble. MIKE: And for eating crayons... > John, the one > who is just a fun-loving freak of nature, still with a scar from where he > kissed the fridge TOM: [whipcrack] Down, boy! CROW: A boy and a major appliance: Can they be happy together? Next Ricki Lake! > (you'll find out in this chapter or the next) CROW: Or you could just say, "You had to be there" and be done with it? TOM: And avoid another pointless interlude? Hah! > and love of > writing Metalica CROW: Should we tell the poor guy his mark on the world is misspelled? > or POD on anything and everything he allowed to (painting > drop-cloths, paper, MIKE: Snowy mashed potatoes... TOM: Wet concrete... CROW: Priceless tapestries... > in the dust on a car etc.). TOM: Damn it Mike! Now she's just saying her random words again! CROW: Oh, I dunno...maybe she's one of those typewriter monkeys or something. > Joe, the punk/skater boy > that loves rather strange humour, has a small fro and wears a top hat. [ALL chuckle.] MIKE: Here comes Joe, on a skateboard with a dozen tatoos and tongue stud and a mohawk...and a top hat and monocle! TOM: [British] I say ol' chap, the melodic structure of Coldplay is *quite* superior to the amateurish rambling of Sum 41, the rapscallions! > David, one of the quiet ones but very smart, he loves to talk about hockey, > when he does talk, MIKE: Demonstrating the subtle choices of his vast intellect! > and is said to make odd comments like 'so did you see > that hockey game?' in the middle of summer when there is no hockey. TOM: So he's an average Canadian, then? > Tall > David, the second quiet one MIKE: Otherwise he'd be called "Loud David." CROW: Hey, fic! There can't be *two* quiet ones. Don't you know the formula? > who would rather play sports (any sport) MIKE: Forty-three man squamish! TOM: Full-contact tiddlywinks! CROW: Extreme hopscotch! > than > to talk to people. TOM: Especially you. > Stefan, the little person CROW: That's "Height-impaired!" > who's actually older than us > all and seems to like copying people's humour to look good. CROW: Oh, great. Now I'm going to feel guilty every time I use an obscure reference. MIKE: You know, babe, your little group seems even *more* maladjusted when you spell them out like this.... > I 'm just > curious who you like the best, TOM: I don't see the "none of the above, you included" option here.... > whoever wins gets a chocolate bar courtesy > of me CROW: I dunno, I kinda like Jeffrey. Does that mean he gets a chocolate bar? > so review and let me know if you don't I'll get Ryan and Joe to come > and get you TOM: So *that's* where he's going with that gun in-- MIKE: Okay, I think we've beaten that one to death.... > because they want a chocolate bar. CROW: What? No Carolyn? Where's the love, man? TOM: So basically she's siccing Ryan and Joe on the world less a dozen people or so. MIKE: But they'll get a chocolate bar out of it! > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: Don't worry as soon as this story is done I'll put > out the sequel. CROW: [Crystal] So you should see it round 2007! TOM: It that a promise or a threat? MIKE: Yes. > > > Once we got back to the church the dig team, plus Carolyn, Legolas, Tall > David and Stefan, went to go set for capture the flag while it was still > light. "We're not going the best way, CROW: We're throwing in one skip every nine paces. > we're going around because of > Jeffery knew where we're going then we'll be followed and I don't want to > make Miko MIKE: "Miko?" TOM: Another throwaway character with little personality and less description. MIKE: Right. I don't know why I wondered. > deal with that." I said. ALL: [very sarcastically] AWWWW... CROW: [very sarcastically] She's all *heart*, that Crystal is. > So we started down the driveway but > Jeffery came running after us. TOM: [Jeffery] HEY, CRYSTAL!!! I HID THE FLAG IN THE BUSHES NEAR THE NORTH FENCE JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO, AND I DIDN'T TELL ANYBODY! MIKE: Would a muted trumpet fanfare be appropriate here? TOM: Absolutely. > > > > "Quick to the daycare!" Carolyn yelled MIKE: [Crystal] LotR purists are after me! CROW: Is that like the Batcave? TOM: They'll change into SuperBore and all the Boring Buddies. > and we ran over to the fenced-in > area that was the daycares playground. CROW: [Crystal] Quick - let's hide among the toddler herd! TOM: We need *preschooler* power to get us out of this! > > > > Stefan and Carolyn were able to squeeze through the hole in the fence, them > being very small but the rest of us had to climb over them. TOM: And not, say, climb over the fence? MIKE: Always nice to step on the backs of your friends to get away. > > > > I hurled myself at the first fence CROW: Barbed wire, I hope. TOM: Is she trying for this year's Darwin Awards? MIKE: She plans to reform on the other side in best liquid metal fashion. > and was over in a second; Ryan tossed me > the bag of stuff BOTS: (TM) MIKE: [Crystal] Stuff is vital. It *must* not fall into enemy hands! > and climbed over as well. MIKE: [Stefan] Why is she helping us? The fence is only four feet high. > > > > I waited until everyone was over the second fence, so I could help them, > and then climbed over myself. > > > > We stayed along the perimeter fence so we would stay out of the rosebushes > and not fall into the concrete picnic area about 10 feet below us. MIKE: I guess prisons double as daycares in Canada. TOM: Who knew the Daycare Play Area was so dangerous? CROW: One push, Legolas! That's all it would take! Why are you hesitating so? > > > > When we got onto the sidewalk in front of the building we took one more > look at where Jeffery was still struggling over the first fence before > turning the corner and escaping. TOM: I'll give him this credit: he's *tenacious*. MIKE: Would SOMEBODY explain to me why you people are running away from this boy like a bunch of third-graders? PLEASE?!? CROW: Dude, we are leagues-deep into "smile-and-nod" territory. > > > > "Whew, well that was exciting." Ryan laughed. CROW: To these people, it would be. TOM: [Ryan] Wait a munite! If Jeffery's such a loser, why are *we* are always running from *him*.... > > > > "Sure, lets do it again." I said sarcastically. CROW: [Stefan] Duh, o-kay! > > > > "We have to keep going, we only have an hour." TOM: [John] ...before Legolas turns into a pumpkin. > John pointed out. > > > > So we walked down the path in the field beside/behind our church, CROW: So which one is it? MIKE: The multiple-choice grammar test returns! TOM: [Crystal] Due to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, the field's exact location with respect to the church cannot be determined. > a little > ways until we came to a spot where we had just passed the property line of > the church on the other side of he fence. MIKE: Um, try 'he/she' fence, fanfic! Let's be gender-neutral here. > > > > "So how do we want to do this?" Joe asked. CROW: [Ryan] First, we need to clear some land for the factories. But we'll need to set up some artillery first. Maybe bring in a Tesla Tank or two. And then... TOM: [Crystal] For the last time, WE ARE NOT PLAYING "COMMAND AND CONQUER!!!" > > > > "Well we want to make it as fair as possible but we can't just split it up > by the path because on one side there is a forest and on the other there's > a field." David said. > > > > "Why don't we make the perimeter line and then split it down the middle > perpendicular with the path." Legolas suggested, MIKE: [Crystal] Why don't *you* shut your cakehole, blondie! CROW: *Legolas* suggested that? This story's dimwitted version of Legolas knows the word "perpendicular?" > catching on to what we > were doing. TOM: Watch in awe as a bunch of kids draw lines! > > > > "That sounds good but where do we put the perimeter line?" I asked. CROW: OOH! OOH! I know! MIKE: Now, now... Stay civil. > > > > "Why don't we start it at the hobo hut." Joe suggested. TOM: The Hobo Hut--for all your hobo needs! CROW: This week at the Hobo Hut: save 50% on all stinky, pre-weathered, pee- stained overcoats! And stock up and save big on sacks tied to sticks! > > > > "You know that area better than I do CROW: [Joe] Look, all I said is that I know which kind of Sterno is the most effective! > so it's your choice." I answered. TOM: [Crystal] Ha-ha! It's funny 'cause Joe's homeless! > > > > "Ok then it's settled, the end line should be at the hobo hut and the > middle line should be about here." Tall David deduced TOM: Regular Sherlock here, huh? > pointing to a spot a > little ways down the path. TOM: Oh, I dunno...wouldn't it've been easier to just summon Euclid out of Crystal's geometry book for this? > > > > "But now we have to find the end line in the field." John said. CROW: NO ONE will be seated during the breath-taking DETERMINING THE PLAYING FIELD SCENE! > > > > "So lets walk over and see where would be a good spot." Stefan suggested. > > > > We waded through the waist high (at least) grass with difficulty. "How are > we supposed to run through this at night?" Legolas asked trying to untangle > himself from a clump of weeds. MIKE: [Legolas] I may have walked on top of snow and marathoned across half of Middle-Earth, but *weeds?* At *night,* yet? TOM: I still fail to see the humor and/or point of making the demigod warrior the group whiner. CROW: We've been over this before, Tommy. TOM: Right, right - "All the better to make Legolas look like a dickweed..." > > > > "We'll manage, besides you ain't seen nothin' yet, MIKE: o/~ B-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin' yet! o/~ > I bet you can't wait to > try and get through the underbrush and prickle bushes in the forest." I > said dryly. TOM: [Crystal] Oh, and I hope I didn't forget to mention the Rodents of Unusual Size! MIKE: [Legolas] Meh. I'll be impressed when the plants try to devour me. > > > > Ryan, being the maniac he is, MIKE: [Crystal] ...was institutionalised for his own safety--and ours. > was running through the grass at top speed, > falling every few feet, getting back up CROW: Ryan the Rubber Boy! > and continuing to run MIKE: [Ryan] WHEEE! WHEEE! CROW: That's IQ 140, folks! TOM: He lacks the learning capacity of even the most basic animal life! MIKE: Canada must use a different scale. > until he came > to the edge of a very tiny, dirty creek. Barely still out of the water > Ryan's arms were wind milling TOM: ...grumblegrumble*pinwheeling*grumble... > to keep his balance so I grabbed the back of > his shirt and pulled him away, MIKE: [Ryan] Hey, teleport somewhere else! > unfortunately I stepped too fast and tripped > over a root, falling onto the grass with Ryan on top of me. [TOM and CROW begin snickering.] MIKE: What's so-- CROW: [quickly] Um, nothing! Nothing! Ooo, I got a riff! [muscle expert] The muscles of the thigh are superior to the muscles of the leg. That means that they control the movement of the leg. I will now demonstrate the use of these muscles, by running away from the madman who is trying to kill me. TOM: [Slim Goodbody] [puff] [pant] ...I shoulda taken the gig in Vegas! [gasp] > > > One Ryan realized that he was sitting on me he MIKE: ...relaxed and got comfortable... CROW: Another Ryan had roast beef, and the little Ryan went 'Reeh reeh reeh!' all the way home! > got up. "Hey thanks for > breaking my fall." He said, grateful but joking. CROW: [Crystal] What's some bruising and a separated shoulder between friends? > > > > "That's what I'm here for, the human landing pad." I said sarcastically, as > I slowly got up. TOM: Look, Crystal. Could ya lay off the witty rejoinders here? My sides are splitting...from puking! > "I think you owe me now." TOM: [Crystal] For not slaying you for this affront. > > > > "Consider it done." Ryan answered. MIKE: o/~ Non sequiturs keep fallin' on my head... o/~ > > > > "I don't think we want people falling into that sad excuse for a creek so > why don't we put the line right here." David said. TOM: o/~ We're just looo-kiin fooor aaaaa waaall toooo craaash iiinnntoooo... and me I'd be haaa-py just bum-pin' in-ta yoo-hoooo... o/~ > > > > "Who wants to do the back line?" David asked. Joe, John and Stefan > indicated that they would. TOM: ...like to get some less boy-bandy names. > "Ok you can tale the pink fluorescent marking > tape, MIKE: Watch the five-hour saga of a roll of tape as it goes through so many stages...the shelf at the hardware store...the back of someone's garage...in some kid's hands...and...on a playing field. > David and I will do this side with yellow tape and Crystal, Carolyn, > Legolas and Ryan can take the grellow tape to do the middle line." David > finished, handing out the coloured marking tape. CROW: Grellow? TOM: Like murple, only more blorange. MIKE: On the other hand, here's the *standard* Legolas reply in 1...2... > > > > "What is grellow?" Legolas asked. TOM: Oh god--that wasn't a typo? CROW: [Crystal] It's yellow...that's GRRRR-REAT! MIKE: [to Crow] Okay, you're on notice! > > > > I held up the roll of bright, lime green tape and said. "This is grellow... CROW: [Crystal] Say hi to grellow, Legolas. > It's an old joke from camp a long time ago." TOM: [Isis] Which you can read about in my expansive prequel volume, "The Crystalrillion"! > > > > "Can you tell me the joke?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Crystal] Okay, an elf, a fangurl, and a Mary-Sue walk into a bar... TOM: [Legolas] Y'know what? Stop. I've heard this one. > > > > "Well it's kind of a 'you had to be there' thing but if you want I can > try." CROW: Well, at least we're not waiting for the appendix this time around... > I answered and started my story. "A while back at Charis camp CROW: If she says anything about flutes, I am SO out of here... > we were > playing capture the flag but we had two different colours of green tape to > give to the two different teams, we couldn't just call them green team and > green team TOM: [furious] Emerald and jade! Pine and moss! Grass and olive! *Sage and lime, you nitwits!* CROW: Wow, I'm green with envy. > so we took the lime one and looked at the colours that formed > it, green and yellow, thus grellow was born." I finished. [Beat.] [Crickets chirp.] [Beat.] ALL: AND?! > > > > "Hey, where do we want to tie this?" Carolyn yelled jerking me back to > reality. MIKE: Well, this story's version of reality, anyway. CROW: [scribbling] Enters... trance... when... reminiscing... Got it. > > > > "Just attach it to some tree." Ryan said absently. ALL: o/~ Tie a grellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree... o/~ > > > > "What trees?" Carolyn asked sarcastically so we turned and looked. > > > > What we saw was a field of tall grass with no trees. MIKE: IQ of 140, he says... TOM: Now, I'm trying to figure out how they could have missed that in the first place, and naturally I'm failing miserably. > > > > "Ahh I see what you mean." I said. "So just attach it to a tall blade of > grass." [ALL snicker] CROW: Isn't that like trying to glue things together with water? TOM: What! is! go! ing! OOOONNNN!? AAAAAHHHHHH! > > > > "Which blade of grass and how do I attach it?" Carolyn asked. CROW: [Crystal] Hello?! It's *tape*! You *stick* it! Do I have to do all your thinking for you? > > > > "This could take a while." I muttered to Ryan. CROW: Ladies and gentlemen - our future leaders. Start praying. > > > > "I agree so we'd better get moving." > > > > A/N: Another sad chapter MIKE: Yeah, the bit where Crystal tripped on a tree root really made me choke up. > but give me time it'll get better, I promise. CROW: The best laid plans of mice and fangurls.... TOM: Isis, babe? Proofreading, beta-reading, second-drafts? Do any of those mean ANYTHING to you? > ********************************************************************* > 24. Blackberry bushes siblings? and Lori ALL: o/~ One of these things is not like the others.... o/~ > > VANCOUVER HAS THE OLYMPICS VANCOUVER HAS THE OLYMPICS. YAY!! MIKE: Not exactly "THE GIANTS WON THE PENNANT," is it? TOM: Good grief. Championship runs come and championship runs go, but she'll be smug about this for seven years! > > I found out yesterday that Vancouver/Whistler will be hosting the 2010 > winter Olympics MIKE: [Isis] Ice the Blue, sweep up the moose dung, and break out the maple syrup! > and I'm so excited, I can't wait but it's still seven years > away. CROW: [smiling] So. Our girl Crystal will be at the Vancouver olympics in 7 years. Eeeex-cellent. Now we know exactly where she will be... now all we must do is wait. TOM: And get down from the satellite. CROW: Yes. TOM: And buy surveillance equipment. CROW: Right. TOM: And weapons. CROW: Of course. TOM: And henchmen. CROW: Indeed. TOM: And a safehouse. CROW: Yeah. TOM: And false IDs. CROW: Good point. TOM: And-- CROW: Alright alright, I get the goddamn point already! GEEZE! MIKE: Um... What are you guys talking about? > > > > I'm so sorry that I haven't posted in so long, I just realized that it has > been almost a month, TOM: She thinks a month is a long time between updates? MIKE: And all over the net, Web Site #9 readers collapse into laughter. > lots of things have contributed to the lack of > posting, first of all exams and last minute projects (I passed everything > this year) MIKE: [horrified] Even... her English exam? Good lord, what school does she go to?! TOM: I guess Canada's joining the US as an educational wasteland. > and then the first couple of weeks of summer are always hectic. CROW: What with the not going to school and all.... > Anyways, I'm now back so hopefully I'll be posting weekly again but that is > not a promise just a hope. MIKE: More like a threat, if you ask me. > Here's a nice long chapter for you to enjoy. TOM: [Sarcastically] YAY!!! > > > > Happy belated Canada Day (July 1st) everyone and Happy early Independence > Day (July 4th). CROW: ...The day when Canada celebrated its independance from the red communist pinko mutant traitor bastards to the west. TOM: What, Alaska? > > > > tear are a bleeding to ur soul: TOM: [Isis] Please get a name that makes sense. Thanks. > Thank you for the address to the script but > I already got it, you may not like the whole telepathic and telekinetic but CROW: [Isis] ...then again, who does? > is my story and MIKE: [Isis] So there! Nyah! > I want to write it this way plus it plays a > big part later. CROW: She's gonna go "Carrie" on everybody! Cool! > I still appreciate the suggestion. MIKE: Wow. Crystal's got a great career in AOL tech support going for her. > > > > queen of darkness: MIKE: Martha Stewart? TOM: Looks like that promise of a sequel was a nicely grim touch to a whole new audience. > I think you are right, everybody seems to disappear in > the story, TOM: Except Crystal, for some reason. > thank you for reminding me to keep everybody around. MIKE: Yes, thank *you,* for pointing out one of the few inconsistencies we hadn't noticed yet... > > > > Aimze: Thank you for getting me the address for the script of The Two > Towers. TOM: [Isis] Since I couldn't be bothered to type "'Two Towers' + 'Script'" into Google. > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: Thank you for agreeing with me that Grellow is a > cool word, and thank you for your continued support of my story, it's what > has kept me writing. CROW: WeasleyTwinsLover1112, I think you should know: The world hates you. > > > > Disclaimer: You know the speech; don't own anything MIKE: Property is theft, after all. > blah blah blah. On with > the story. CROW: All this complicated legalese...GET TO THE POINT! > > > > "Ow, stupid blackberry bushes." Carolyn yelled. > > > > "Carolyn you're supposed to go around the bushes and string the tape over > them." Ryan said. > > > > "There is no way to go around the bushes." TOM: [Carolyn] And why go round when you can *plow straight through*? MIKE: That's Crystal's motto. > Carolyn yelled back. "Especially > now that I'm in the middle of them." CROW: [Carolyn] I've fallen and I can't get out! MIKE: So, are two Carolyns in the hand worth the one in the bush? TOM: Would you really want two of any of these people? > > > > I moved this way and that, TOM: Wonder if she's ever met a lassie? > trying to find a less painful way through the > thistles but Legolas was way ahead of me. MIKE: Wait--a chapter ago, he was getting caught up in long grass! TOM: Grass is his only natural weakness. > > > > "Carolyn toss me the tape." CROW: [Carolyn] Cassette or 8-track? > He called from half way up a tree. TOM: You just said there aren't any trees in the field! CROW: [Baby Plucky] Plot go down da' hooole! > > > > "Well that's one way to get through the bushes." Ryan laughed. > > > > "Ahhhh, we have barbed wire here!" MIKE: So then you're stringing garishly-coloured tape all over somebody's yard. > We heard John call from a little further > back in the forest. CROW: [John] I'm caught in the crossfire! *Medic!* > > > > "So stop there and that'll be the side line." MIKE: [Crystal] So don't go out of bounds, or you'll receive serious lacerations! > I called from a very > precarious position on a log trying to get over the blackberry bushes. MIKE: o/~ All around the blackberry bush/the fangirl chased the elf prince/The elf was so much quicker by far/Smack! Goes the fangirl! o/~ > > > > "I'll go over there and se MIKE: No se. TOM: That's for sure. > if I can help them, we seem to have it under > control here." Ryan said walking through the trees towards the sound of > John's voice. CROW: [John] What ho, young Robin! TOM: Wrong forest, wrong John. CROW: Oh... Sorry. > > > > "AHHHHH!" I fell over and landed in a large group of bushes. TOM: Crystal spares no opportunity to correct Ryan! > After a few > seconds of fruitless struggling, CROW: Well, if it was fruitless, I guess those weren't blackberry bushes, now were they? [MIKE and TOM groan] > Legolas, from up a tree reached down and > pulled me out. TOM: Legolas "Stretch" Armstrong! > I straddled a branch and started pulling prickles out. MIKE: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? > "Ow... ow... ow... ow." CROW: You said it, sister! > > > > "You look like you've just been in a cat fight." Carolyn laughed. CROW: Catfight! That'd sure liven things up... > > > > "Oh shut up!" I said throwing a large, claw-shaped thistle at her and > hearing a rewarding 'Ow, hey!' TOM: [Crystal] Ph33r my L33T thistle-chucking skilz!! > > > > As I jumped down out of the tree Ryan came back to investigate my scream. TOM: I guess Ryan's a lifetime member of the Clue Club. > "Crystal, you look like you were hit bay a truck." CROW: [Crystal] Yeah...I almost drounded! > He looked me over CROW: [Ryan] *Nice* rack! > "So that was the yell I heard. Here, you missed one." He pulled a prickle out > of my neck. [MIKE makes a cork-popping sound] TOM: Look out! We got a pumper!! > > > > "Thanks. TOM: Y'know, I'll give her this credit: she knows how to spell "thanks". > But there's still my entire back to do." I said turning around. MIKE: [Crystal] So get to it, slave! > "And the worst part about it is I can't reach them." TOM: Ryan's the only boy who could ever reach them. CROW: He's the Son of a Preacher Man. > > > > "You should get out of the forest TOM: Arrgghh! She's not *in* the forest! She's at the blackberry bushes! > while you're still in one piece, and I'll > help you clean off your back." ALL: o/~ Boom-boom chica-wooww-chica-chica wow wow... o/~ > Ryan said ushering me towards the path. CROW: Think she meant "bath"? MIKE: Only in your dreams. And mine. > > > > We got onto the path and he pulled the rest of the thistles out of my back. CROW: Guess they can't see the forest for the thistles. MIKE: Not exactly a train rolling into a tunnel, but it'll do. > > > > "Thanks for the help bro." I said grateful to not have things poking me > every which way. CROW: And here we have yet another highly detailed yet useless plot point! TOM: Um...Crow? Doesn't that kind of require a plot, not a 27-chapter string of random sentences? > > > > "That's something I haven't heard for a while." Ryan whispered happily. "I > glad you're back sissy." TOM: [Crystal] It's good to be back, drooling idiot. > > > > "Yeah, Legolas coming here almost changed my personality for the wor- MIKE: [Crystal] I mean, having the object of my adoration subservient to my every whim really cheeses me off! > hey! Didn't I tell you never to call me that." I yelled. CROW: [Crystal] It makes it sound like what we did was incest! And that's icky! > > > > Ryan just laughed so I started shooting pieces of grass at him at high > speeds. TOM: [Crystal] HA HA HA! Fear my power, mundanes!!! MIKE: Pretty versatile for someone who claims she hasn't had her powers very long and had to keep them secret. CROW: You're looking for consistency from someone with an ever-growing list of things of things she doesn't own? > > > > "HEY! OW! QUIT IT!" Ryan yelled. TOM: [Ryan] There were *seeds* on that piece! > > > > It was my turn to laugh. "It's only grass CROW: [Ryan] But maaaaaan, I asked for *meth*! > but that's what you get for > messing with your sister." MIKE: This making sense to anybody? CROW: Nope. TOM: Not a bit. > I called running down the path away from Ryan > and the playful beating and name calling that was sure to follow. TOM: At this point, it cannot be said enough how absofrickinlutely WEIRD you people are! CROW: The sudden sibling relationship was disturbing enough! > > > > I got back to the church and hid in the girl's quiet room until everyone > had gotten back from setting up. > > > > Brian came up to us. [With a flash of light, James Bond (the internet guy, not the secret agent) and the Cartesian, Bryan McGucken, appear in the middle of the theater.] BOND: YOU! BRYAN: ...What? BOND: Talk, worm. I know you're responsible for this. BRYAN: No! I don't know what you're talking about! I swear, it's a different Brian! You wouldn't hit a blind man, would ya? BOND: *I'm blind too*, you jackass! BRYAN: ...Oh, yeah. Crap, forgot. MIKE: Would someone *please* tell me-- BOND AND BRIAN: MEEP! [The two authors disappear in another flash of light.] ALL: ... MIKE: Something tells me that something very, VERY *BAD* just happened. > "What happened to you Crystal?" CROW: [Brian] You've *really* put on weight... > > > > "Don't ask." ALL: DON'T TELL! > I grumbled. > > > > "Anyways, everyone is ready to go whenever, we should go over rules first > and then we can start the icebreakers." MIKE: [snickering] They brought breath mints to an all-night youth retreat? TOM: All...that...sugar... > Brian tried not to look at me > during his speech for fear of getting hurt. TOM: He'd be hurt just by looking at her? MIKE: Must be that glare again.... > > > > "Sounds good, we can get everyone into the gym and then you can talk." John > said. > > > > "Jeff, gym, now." I told him bluntly as I passed. TOM: [Jeffery] Hey! I know I'm a little overweight, but... > > > > "I don't need to listen to you." Jeffery yelled. [ALL cheer.] CROW: That's it, Jeffery! *Somebody* has to be able to resist her will! > > > > "Jeff, I am now an official youth leader as well as a big part of the DIG > team therefore, a figure of authority [ALL laugh.] MIKE: BOW before the awesome authority of A LOCAL CHURCH YOUTH GROUP LEADER! > and THEREFORE you do need to listen > to me." I growled angrily. TOM: [Crystal] The youth pastor is not as forgiving as I am... > > > > Everyone was in the gym when Brian got up on the stage. "Welcome to the 8th > annual Bear Creek Community Church All-nighter!" MIKE: [Brian] Now please leave your spleen at the door. > There was a cheer around > the room. CROW: Umm... Yay? > "Now before we get started lets lay down some ground rules, first > of all TOM: [Brian] Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. MIKE: [Crystal] *AHEM!!!* TOM: [Brian] Er... Crystal is always right. I will listen to Crystal. I will not ignore Crystal's recommendations. Crystal is God. > there are no guys allowed in the girl's room and no girls allowed in > the guy's room, CROW: Yeah, *that* rule will last about five minutes! TOM: So this event is gonna be as god-awful dull as all the rest, eh? > secondly there are a few off limits areas, namely the > elevator and the kitchen, I would like everyone to stay out of there unless > otherwise told, and lastly, think of the saying WWJD." CROW: William Wallace Just Died? MIKE: Weight Watchers January Diet? TOM: Willy Wonka's Just Desserts? > > > > "Carolyn, what's WWJD?" Legolas asked. MIKE: Why Was Jeffery Ditched? CROW: What Windbag Juvenile Delinquents? MIKE: Why Watch Judi Dench? TOM: What's With Joe D'Amato? CROW: Walking With James Dean? TOM: Wheel Wells Jump Down? MIKE: When Wrong Just Dream? CROW: Word Wrap Jiggles Daintily? TOM: Winchell's Wrecks Jelly Donuts? > > > > "It means what would Jesus do. Ask yourself that question anytime you're > unsure about anything." Carolyn answered. TOM: [Carolyn] Of course, in order to know what Jesus would do, you must know the mind of God. Of course Crystal's right here, so just ask her! CROW: There's the snap... > > > > "And who's Jesus?" Legolas asked. CROW: And there's the kick! TOM: Mike, if we have to sit through a "Legolas is converted" scene, so help me, I will gnaw my own arm off and personally beat Pearl to death with it if it's the last thing I do. MIKE: I'm with you there, buddy. > > > > "I'll tell you later." Carolyn hissed. ALL: *Phew!* TOM: We just dodged a *big* sanctified bullet. MIKE: Still, Carolyn'll get around to the snake's perspective eventually. > > > > "Now there is one more issue that has come up recently and I think need to > talk about it before questions get asked." TOM: [Brian] I'm *not* the Messiah! > Brian stopped any conversation > that had started. TOM: [Brian] You all need to figure things out for *yourselves!*. > > > > I looked worried, "Does he mean Legolas?" I whispered to Carolyn. > > > > "I don't know, if he is I hope he doesn't ask us to come up and explain." > She responded worriedly. MIKE: [Brian] Crystal, Carolyn, why don't you come up and explain? BOTS: [Crystal and Carolyn] D'oh! > > > > "We have a special guest tonight and I would ask you not to ask him too > many questions, he's already had to relate his story about a hundred > times." Brian started. MIKE: [Legolas] And then they fed me ten cups of sugar... and the next thing I knew I was lying on the floor in a haze of spoons and stuffed animals... and there they were, hovering over me, giggling... stop the giggling! Stop the giggling! *sob* > > > > "Legolas he means you." Carolyn whispered so that only he could hear. MIKE: [Homer Simpson] I think he's talking to you. TOM: And here I thought he meant Jeffery. > > > > "I would like you to meet, CROW: [Random Camper] NO! You can't have Harry Potter! He's mine, you hear?! MINE, MINE, MINE! DOWN, DOWN, DOWN! GO, GO, GO! > Legolas Greenleaf from middle earth. CROW: [Random Camper] Oh... Sorry! My bad! > Legolas come up here." Brian said. MIKE: [Brian] Legolas here is a heathen who does not worship Christ. Thus I expect you all to attend his stoning later this evening. And please bring at least two stones in case your first one misses. That is all. CROW: So where, exactly, did the whole "Keep Legolas a secret or people will freak" thing go out the window? TOM: No clue... > > > > Legolas looked around and then, seeing Joe's nod of approval he went up to > Brian. There was an immediate gasp from the crowd. BOTS: [Random fangirls] WE LOVE YOU, ORLANDO!!! > "Thanks Legolas you can > sit down now." Brian said. CROW: They're treating him like Crystal's new ferret! > "Now that that is all sorted out we can start > our day." MIKE: So it's not really an all-nighter then? > > > > The DIG team came up on stage and started explaining the games. "We're > starting with a game called orange necking." TOM: It's about time they played a game *real* eighteen-year-olds play! > I said and then heard someone > from the crowd yell 'That sounds so wrong.' "Yes Jason I'm aware that the > name sounds wrong but don't look at me it was Joe who came up with it." > > > > "Go Joe." Jason yelled. ALL: Coooobraaaaaaaa!!!!! > > > > "Anyway, we're getting into our respective teams and lining up, boy, girl, > boy, girl, ok and then, using only your neck you have to pass the orange to > each other, once the orange gets to the person at the back then said person > runs to the front and it starts all over again until you get back in your > original order. So line up and wait for your orange." I said. > TOM: That's not a game! That's a trick sea lions do at Sea World! > > > > I lined up between Ryan and Legolas and then Brian yelled. "GO!" MIKE: Um... Slight flaw: Wouldn't doing "icebreaker" games with a group of your choosing defeat the purpose of icebreakers? Flaw #2 - wouldn't playing this particular game with Legolas be a severe handicap, given Legolas' height? TOM: I'm suing you for "Theft of Shtick," Nelson! > Ryan put the orange on his neck and braced it there with his chin, he passed > it to me and then I passed it to Legolas quickly. CROW: Quickly? Oh c'mon, Crystal, make the most of it! TOM: Yeah, it may not be mouth-to-mouth, but you're still the envy of fangirls everywhere! > > > > "This is really awkward." He commented. MIKE: God passes judgment on the foolish mortals' game. > > > > "Yup." CROW: You think that's awkward? Try reading it. TOM: Man, this is the most twisted version of Wonder Ball I've ever seen. > > > > The person at the back got the orange and he ran to the front. Ryan took > the orange from the new person at the front and then passed it to me. > "This is something we didn't count on." He said after I turned back to him. > "We didn't think that there would be a guy at the front and a guy at the > back, so now Gary is passing to me, it's so wrong." MIKE: Umm... Huh? TOM: That was damn near Thinker-esque. > > > > "FINISHED!!" MIKE: [bored] And the crowd changes color. A winner is you. Yaaay. > Our team yelled as one. TOM: o/~ Two hearts, two hearts that yell as one... o/~ MIKE: Our pain has just begun. > > > > "The green team has won!" Brian yelled. CROW: [Brian] Your prize is a punch in the nose from each member of the losing teams. Line up, folks! > "Now we go into a pairs contest, > everybody choose a partner." TOM: [Jeffery] I wanna be with Legolas! CROW: [Crystal] *Smack!* > > > > "Legolas, be my partner." I said. > > > > "Sure." Legolas agreed. CROW: ROMANCE! MIKE: What, in this fanfic? > > > > A peppy-looking blonde girl came over to us and stuck out her hand. "Hi, > I'm Lori." She said CROW: [Lori] You're like my favorite model ever, Mr. Fabio! > > > > "Legolas, you're supposed to shake her hand." I hissed. MIKE: [Crystal] Then rip it off at the elbow. Trust me, it's traditional. TOM: [Crystal] Yeah, didn't you know that? You've been in this culture, what, three, four days? > > > > "H-hello." Legolas said shaking Lori's hand. TOM: [Legolas] Oh, HELL! Now there's two of them! MIKE: Between the mystery of this new girl and the terror of Crystal, I'd say he's acquitting himself pretty well. > > > > Because she was lingering I came in between Lori and Legolas and asked, TOM: [Crystal, British] WHAT...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? > "Do you want anything else?" TOM: [Lori] Oooo, *yes I do*... CROW: Finally! We're getting somewhere! MIKE: Don't bet on it. > > > > She ignored me and talked to him. TOM: Wouldn't anybody? > "Would you like to be my partner?" She > asked as if it was the most obvious thing to say yes. CROW: [Legolas] Let's see: friendly, peppy blonde, or bipolar Mary-Sue...Come on, Lori! Let's go steppin'! MIKE: I'm starting to like Lori. I'm sure that won't last, but I do. > > > > "No, he's with me." [ALL hum "Sweet Valley High" theme] > I put my arm around Legolas protectively. TOM: [Crystal] ...My precious... MIKE: [Legolas] Who are you protecting *me* from? I can slaughter 42 orcs in ten minutes, all while riding a shield down a rickety wooden stair- case! > > > > "I was talking to Legolas." Lori said coolly. MIKE: ME-OOWWW! > > > > "As Crystal said, I'm taken." Legolas answered. [ALL sigh] TOM: Like we didn't see that line coming... CROW: [Legolas] I have no free will of my own, I'll have you know! > > > > "I wouldn't waste your time with her." Lori spat walking away fuming. CROW: Come in, Houston - we have confirmed Bitch sighting. Repeat: Bitch sighting confirmed! MIKE: Copy that Bitch Sighting. Be on alert for possible catfights. > > > > Legolas had fire in his eyes as he watched Lori go around to get a > different partner. CROW: [Legolas] Yeah, she's *right*! Why *am* I wasting my time with this schizo?! > I put my hand on his arm soothingly. TOM: [Crystal] You did well, my minion. CROW: [Legolas] Thank you, Mistress. > "Just ignore her, > I've learned to." I whispered. "She's just a popular jerk." MIKE: 'cause, y'know, befriending someone makes you a jerk. TOM: Errrrgggghhhh!!! Damn it Crystal! YOU'RE! NOT! AN! ANGEL! What freaking part of that *don't* you understand? > > > > "I don't get how you stand that." Legolas said, finally getting a hold on > his emotions. MIKE: [Crystal] Well, I run to my keyboard and start typing a story about this wonderful fantasy world where popular jerks try to steal my partner... TOM: Oh, PUH-LEEZE!!! Crystal treats you like Corky from "Life Goes On," with nary a ripple of resentment. Yet this refugee from a bad John Hughes movie comes after you, and suddenly you're all pissed and stuff? [shrugs in frustration] > > > > "I can stand her pettiness because I know I have so much on her, CROW: Including where the bodies are buried! > I can > stand to throw a punch and to take one, CROW: [Crystal] Violence makes me superior! > I can ride horses better than > anyone I've met, except maybe you, TOM: [Legolas] Gee, thanks. > I can shoot a bow, thanks to you and so > much more, MIKE: [Crystal] ...I can give myself any skill I want, I'm perfect in every way... TOM: I guess mentioning your psi-powers would be considered piling on? > I don't need to hang out with certain people, MIKE: So Lori has to hang out with Legolas, but Crystal doesn't... CROW: Don't *confuse* the poor elf! > people who will > dump you as soon as you start hanging with different people TOM: Yeah? What would your friends do if you starting hanging out with a coven of witches or at a Buddhist monastery, hmm? > or dressing > differently, to be happy, CROW: Do I sense a wee bit of bitterness? > I've got a great family TOM: [Crystal] You can tell how great they are because you've never seen them! MIKE: [Crystal] They give me *space!* *Lots* of it! > and wonderful friends, > like you, I don't need anymore." CROW: Standard geek answer. TOM: Yep, friends, family...don't need any of 'em anymore. > I said giving Legolas a quick hug before > going closer to the group to hear the rules of the game. TOM: I stand corrected. MIKE: What? TOM: Lori's my favorite character. MIKE: Ah... > > > > "The game is called knight, cavalier, horse. In knight the guy goes down on > one knee and the girl sits on his knee, in cavalier the girl jumps into the > guy's arms and in horse the guy goes down on all fours and the girl sits on > him. TOM: That is SOOO messed up... MIKE: Sexual Harassment Panda says "NOOO!" > Got it, ok let's go." CROW: Um...that's not really a game. That's just a cheap rip-off of Twister. > We started running around and then Brian yelled. TOM: THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIE-YAH! > "CAVALIER!" TOM: BONZAI! CROW: SEMINOLE! MIKE: BLUE DEVIL! TOM: YELLOWJACKET! CROW: ORANGE STAR! TOM: GREEN CLOVER! > I ran through a bunch of people and jumped into Legolas's arms. > > > > "Oof." TOM: [Legolas] By Mithrandir's beard, woman, you weigh more than a dead Uruk- hai! > He groaned as I had hit him at a very high speed TOM: Increasing her mass in accordance with the theory of relativity... > and he wasn't quite > ready. > > > > "Sorry." I apologized. > > > > Legolas put me down and we ran away from each other again. "KNIGHT!" MIKE: ...TO QUEEN'S BISHOP FOUR! > I sat on Legolas's knee and we made it to the next round. > > > > There were three people left, Legolas and I, Lori and Gary, CROW: Who? MIKE: C'mon! Don't tell me you don't remember Gary? TOM: Yeah! He's only like the coolest guy in this story! CROW: Oh, right! *Gary!* > and Ryan and a > girl named Jana, who was Brian's sister. MIKE: ...Okay, who are the three who *don't* count as people? > "HORSE!" Brian yelled. > > > > I ran over to Legolas and tried to sit on his back but Lori 'accidentally' > tripped me and I slid right off, landing unceremoniously on the cold gym > floor. MIKE: [Lori] Oopsie - broke your spine! Tee hee! > I laughed at myself as I got up, TOM: [Crystal] ...but I knew, that night, I'd cry myself to sleep... again. > and dusted off my back. "Crystal, > Legolas, I'm sorry but you're out." Brian said. > > > > "Oh well, it was fun while it lasted." I said, still laughing. MIKE: [Crystal] ...fighting back familiar tears of shame... TOM: [Crystal] You see, Legolas, I've learned to use laughter to hide my humiliation. > > > > "How did you manage to slid off my back?" Legolas asked. TOM: Wow! CROW: [Crystal] You bore me. > > > > "Lori tripped me." I said simply. > > > > "What, I... How could she?" Legolas stammered. CROW: [Crystal] Because she's petty and spiteful. MIKE: [Legolas] Oh, reminds me of you. [ALL chuckle.] > > > > "Legolas calm down, don't hold it against her, I don't." I soothed. TOM: Come on, just go ahead and transfigure already! Sheesh! CROW: [Crystal] For she is merely a stock uber-bitch, while I'm perfect in every way. > > > > Ryan and Jana won with Cavalier MIKE: Chevrolet, huh? I think I'd rather have the horse. > and then we had our final relay. "Ok, you > have to run to the middle of the gym, hula-hoop five times successively TOM: [random teen-ager] Can't hear you in the back! > then jump with the jump rope ten times then you have to braid the yarn and MIKE: [random teen-ager] Wait, milk the chickens and feed the cows...I'm lost! > finally you have to take your respective wheelchair CROW: [random teen-ager] Is this gonna be on the test? > and wheel yourself back > to the group going around the cones." Brian ALL: BWIAN! MIKE: When's Pilate going to show up? CROW: [British] You must bwaid the yawn and wheel youw wespective wheelchaiw back to the gwoup.... TOM: [British] To the what, sir? CROW: [British] The gwoup. TOM: [British] Yes, he did, sir! CROW: [British] No no, the gwoup. *Wheel* youw *wheelchaiw* back to the *gwoup*! TOM: [British] Um, about eleven, sir. > said. "The next person has to > do it all backwards, take the wheelchair to the end of the gym, upbraid the > yarn, TOM: [Brian] ...change the gravitational constant of the universe... > then jump-rope and hula-hoop the same way. " MIKE: [Rick Moranis] Everybody got that? > > > > We lined up in our four teams and were counted off. "Green team, the first > person is going to have to go twice." Brian said. "Are you ready, TOM: [wimpy teen-ager] ...no? > GO!" TOM: [wimpy teen-ager] ...okay. MIKE: [Legolas] Wait... Do we do the Hokey Pokey before or after the hula- hoops? CROW: [Crystal] After the hula-hoops, and before you hogtie yourself with the yarn. MIKE: [Legolas] Then where do the greased squirrels come in? CROW: [Crystal, exasperated] Before you jump your skateboard over the flaming pit of glass shards! Don't you pay attention to anything? > > > > I ran out into the middle of the gym and hula-hooped like my life depended > on it. CROW: Crystal was later found lying in a pool of her own blood and a hoop wrapped around her waist. > "One, two, ALL: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! > three, four, five, done." I jumped over that rope quickly > so all you could see was a blur. MIKE: Accelerate to attack speed! > When I got to the yarn I braided it > loosely so that Ryan, who was next, could undo it fast. CROW: Duh? > I was trailing > slightly behind but when I reached the wheelchair race I got far ahead. I > wheeled to the rest of the team and leapt off it. TOM: [Crystal] Aiiieee! > "That's what you get when > your dad has four or five wheelchairs lying around the house." I laughed. MIKE: His vanishing into thin air seems prefigured by his passion for wheels. > > > > We all went and it was down to me, MIKE: [Crystal] ...And, well, me. I mean, seriously. > we were a few seconds behind everyone > else [ALL sigh.] CROW: So it's not enough that she's on the winning team; *she* has to win the game *herself*. TOM: I bet you can see her ego from space! > and so I ran as fast as I could, MIKE: [Crystal] ...my love handles bouncing and jouncing the whole way.... > "One, two, three, four, TOM: o/~ Can I have a little more? o/~ > five." I > counted. "One, two, three, four, CROW: ...o/~ Get cho woman on the flo' o/~ > five, six, seven, eight, MIKE: ...o/~ Who do we appreciate? Goooo Packers! o/~ > nine, ten." I > braided the yarn and ran to the wheelchair. My arms pumped, and I was > gaining speed but all of a sudden the front wheels started shaking. I did > the only thing I could, CROW: [Crystal] ...put my head between my legs and kissed my ass good-bye! > I went into a wheelie and immediately the shaking > stopped. I heard a collective gasp from the people watching, TOM: [audience member] What's she doing?! She's going to-- MIKE: BANG! CRASH! CLANG! CROW: AAAAAHHHHH! OH GOD MY SKULL'S BROKEN, AAHHH! TOM: [audience member] Never mind... > I kept going > and won the game! MIKE: Note the careful simulation of surprise through the use of an exclamation mark. > "YES!" We all hugged and cheered loudly. ALL: [flatly] Hurrah. MIKE: Crystal needs to be less attached to her story, methinks. > > > > "Well through a collective team effort TOM: [Brian] ...between Crystal and herself... > Green has won the relays tonight but > we still have more things to do so MIKE: [Brian] ...Crystal can further demonstrate her superiority.... > the other three teams MIKE: Grellow, Grue, and Gred! > can redeem > themselves. CROW: But I wouldn't count on it. > Might I remind you, the team who wins overall tonight gets free > breakfast tomorrow." Brian said. "And now we'll have a snack and a little > bit of free time before starting the movie." > > > > I gasped, the movie how could I have forgotten, here the whole truth would > come out, we were watching The Fellowship Of The Ring and Legolas would see > how the quest was portrayed. CROW: [Carolyn] Since we pulled Legolas from the middle of the story, wouldn't showing him how things turn out be *bad?* MIKE: [Crystal]... CROW: [Carolyn] Wouldn't Legolas knowing what goes wrong tempt him to try to fix things? Possibly throwing the whole story into chaos? MIKE: [Crystal]... CROW: [Carolyn] Is ANY of this getting through to you? MIKE: [Crystal]... CROW: [Carolyn] *SIGH!* I'll go get some popcorn... > > > > "Crystal, come and have some ice cream." Joe called and I came to join > them, still in the wheelchair. > > > > "How and why did you do a wheelie at the end of the race?" Ryan asked. CROW: [Crystal] How? Godlike powers. Why? BECAUSE I CAN! TOM: Ryan's providing Legolas a lesson in advanced question-asking. > > > > "Why is easy, when you go fast the front wheels start to lose balance so > they wobble, slowing you down, if you lift up the front wheels then you can > go fast again." I answered. CROW: Oh, you go fast alright...to the I.C.U.! > "As for how, that, my friend, takes practice, MIKE: A noble endeavour, wheelchair-wheelie-learning. Beats the heck out of school and reading and stuff. > you need to find your centre of balance by moving the wheels, once you do > that then it's quite easy. CROW: [Crystal] My sensei, Mr. Miyagi, taught me that one! > > > > "Could you teach us later?" Stefan asked. > > > > "Of course, that is, if you're willing to fall on your ass a few times CROW: She said 'ass', Mike! I didn't think she had it in her. TOM: Is that very Christian? MIKE: Don't even start down that road. > cause it happens that way." I said and burst out laughing. CROW: BWAHAHA, I said 'ass'! > > > > Suddenly Katrina, a small, shy girl TOM: ...from Sleepy Hollow... > that was three years younger than us > came over. "Are you really Legolas from Lord Of The Rings?" She asked. MIKE: [Legolas] Actually, my name is Will Turner. I'm a blacksmith. > > > > I gave a subtle nod TOM: [Crystal] You may speak. > and Legolas answered. "Yes, that's me, the one and > only." MIKE: [Legolas] Err...that's what I was supposed to say, right? TOM: [Crystal] That's right, snookiekins! > > > > "I'm Katrina, MIKE: ...daughter of Baltus Van Tassel... > Crystal's little sister's friend, MIKE: Who can be introduced in this nameless fashion *twenty-four* chapters into the story! > speaking of, where is > Cara?" TOM: Hey, nice save! MIKE: [Crystal] She's in your head, dear. We talked about it before? > She asked me. > > > > "She's on the Island, at camp with Lacey." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] She's away, away, far away, under lock an--IIIIIII mean she's on an *island,* dig? > > > > "Will she be back soon?" > > > > "She'll be back tomorrow." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] And you know what that means! TOM: [Legolas] God, not another character... > > > "Legolas." Katrina asked shyly. "Will you sign my copy of The Two Towers?" CROW: [Legolas] The Two what, now? TOM: Sure... Let him read it! Who needs that silly ol' "Space/Time continuum" thingy? > > > > "Sure." Legolas answered, slightly confused but he still took the book and > scribbled his signature in it. CROW: [Legolas] Wait...why does this say "Bootleg DVD" on it? What gives! > > > > "Thank you." Katrina hurried away looking very pleased. TOM: [Katrina] And God bless us, every one! CROW: [Katrina] Delusions, they said... I'll show them! I'll show them all!!! > > > > "That was nice." Carolyn remarked. MIKE: Completely pointless, but nice. > > > > "Why did she want me to sign a book? Surely that would lower its value to > have it written on." Legolas asked. TOM: I don't recall Tolkien discussing the second-hand book market in Middle-Earth. MIKE: It's probably in an appendix somewhere. > > > > "Legolas in our society when someone is famous, to have their signature is > a good thing, it helps you remember that you met them and TOM: [John] ...serves as a fetish in the modern cult of celebrity... > it lets everyone > know that you're not lying about it." John answered. TOM: Because everyone would believe that the fictional character's signature is authentic. MIKE: I should see what my Dumbledore-signed copy of "Goblet of Fire" is worth on eBay. > > > > "I see." Legolas said, still confused. CROW: [Legolas] So if I signed this lunch bag here, it would be worth... TOM: [Katrina] SQUEEE!!!! Gimmie gimmie gimmie!!!! > > > > "Legolas did anyone ever tell you that you are worse that a five-year- > old?" Ryan asked. TOM: [Legolas] Did anyone ever tell *you* that you're a complete moron who covers up his monumental stupidity by feigning a true genius's eccentricity? > > > > "Actually yes, Crystal did, in those exact words, on the night I arrived." > Legolas laughed. TOM: [Legolas] I'm perpetually amused by comments on my immaturity! MIKE: Actually, she said it when she was packing, and she even said the "that." CROW: And now... YOU KNOW! > > > > "Hey Crystal, did I hear you say that you could shoot a bow quite well?" > Stefan asked. CROW: Thank you, Non Sequitur Boy! > > > > "Yeah, I did say that, you wanna see?" I said. CROW: [bored] Generic sexual riff. *Yawn* > > > > "Sure, but where are you going to get a bow?" Stefan asked. MIKE: [Crystal] Bows R Us! Duh! > > > > "Legolas brought one, CROW: [Crystal] Something about, 'If you Jesus-freaks start proselytising me, by all that's holy arrows will fly!' I don't know. > if it had been up to me he wouldn't have but he told > me that he'd keep it safe and away from other people and so I couldn't > refuse." I answered. MIKE: And now she's going to make him drag it out just so she can look good. TOM: Hey, it all worked out in the end! > > > > Legolas went get his bow from the guy's room CROW: Left unattended in a church full of teen-agers. Way to keep it safe there, Spock! > escorted by Ryan, Joe and > John, CROW: Crystal's *not* taking the chance of him getting lost again. > while I went to find a good spot to practice. > > > > "Come on, we only have 1 hour before the movie." TOM: [Crystal] Hour, schmour! I'll stop time if we need it. > Carolyn said leading > everyone over to the clearing that we had chosen. > > > > I dragged the big piece of Styrofoam ALL: (R) > that I had found in the shed over to > the clearing and drew a bull's-eye on it with the permanent marker that I > always carried around with me. MIKE: Because you never know when you'll have to draw a bull's-eye. > "Are we ready?" I asked. TOM: [Legolas] Not quite. First, you'll need to place this apple on your head.... > > > > "Yes." Legolas answered shooting one arrow right in the centre of the > target. CROW: [Sean] AAAAARRRGGHH!! > He handed me the bow and I shot an arrow a few centimetres away > from Legolas's. MIKE: And by "few" she means "several dozen." TOM: The metric system--helping your archery look more impressive for almost thirty years! > > > > "Not bad, not bad at all." Ryan commented. CROW: [Ryan] Of course, you were ten feet away whilst Legolas was 300 yards away.... > > > > "You try." I thrust the bow into his hands and he got an arrow from > Legolas. THWAP. CROW: [Legolas] *NOW* WHO'S WORSE THAN A FIVE-YEAR-OLD?! HUH?!?! > Ryan released the arrow but it went wide on the target. MIKE: [Crystal] ...striking Jeffery and killing him instantly. Ooo, time for the movie to start! > > > > "It's ok, you'll do better next time." Carolyn consoled. TOM: That sounded suspiciously like "That happens to lots of guys." CROW: It also sounded like it's not the first time she's said that to him. ALL: Hmmm... > > > > We all took turns trying to hit the target MIKE: [Crystal] Long story short - everyone sucked but me. > and then we practiced sword > fighting with some sticks we found. "It's all in the feet, you have to keep > moving and you have to watch your opponents feet too see where they're > going." Legolas instructed. "Crystal, look up, you can't only focus on you > opponent's feet otherwise you'll get hit and you can't make a counter > attack." MIKE: I'll say, since you'd likely be critically wounded! > > > > "Oof." Ryan whacked me across the stomach with his stick. CROW: MMMMWAH!!! Good night, everybody! > > > > "Crystal, are you ok?" He asked worriedly. TOM: [Ryan] she said, 'Oof.' Is she dying? Is she dead?! > > > > "I'll be fine." I gasped. TOM: [Ryan] BUSTAAAAAH WOLF! MIKE: [Crystal] ...Now I won't... owyowyowyowy... TOM: [Ryan] Heh heh. Sucker... > "I-I'm going to kill you." A fiery glint came > into my eyes and everybody who saw backed away. TOM: [John] Oh, crap! She's gonna go SSJ again! > > > > I dived for Ryan and landed on top of him, MIKE: It's love at first charging tackle. > slapping him furiously with a > small stick covered in leaves. CROW: She'll *dust* him to death! > He finally pinned me to the ground and we > both gave up. TOM: Crystal *is* Hibiki Takane, *in* "Legolas: Last Blade!" MIKE: ...That would *rule*... > > > > "Well I would, say Ryan won the swordfight, by a fluke but Crystal won > overall, because she got up and attacked again." Legolas laughed. TOM: I would, say Legolas is having, trouble with his, comma, placement. MIKE: Just as in Middle-Earth, fighting spirit's *much* more important than having your stomach cut open. > > > > Suddenly we saw someone come out the front door and make her way over to > us. "Itchbay at 11:00." CROW: From English to Spanish to pig Latin. Man, Crystal's really struttin' her stuff, isn't she? > Tall David muttered so that all of us could hear > but Lori, the object of the comment could not. MIKE: Then why say it in Pig Latin? > > > > I slapped David. "Don't call her that." I hissed. TOM: [Crystal] It may be accurate, but it's still rude! > > > > "How's Oyalray Itchbay?" Joe asked. > > > > In response I slapped him too. CROW: I guess *you're* the bitch, then, Crystal. > "Hello Lori." I said as she approached us. CROW: [Lori] Is that friend-slapping a private game, or can anybody play? > > > > Lori ignored me and went straight to Legolas. MIKE: As would most everyone in that situation... > "Hey Leggie." She said way > too cheerfully. TOM: [Lori] I took the Zanax, and the Ritalin, at the *exact same time*! It's making things very interesting! Tehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe- heheheehehehehehehehehehehehe... > > > > Legolas looked at me fearfully. MIKE: [Legolas] This is ending with her blood on my hands, isn't it? > "Leggie?" He mouthed. MIKE: [Legolas] It's 'Legolas'. My wife called me 'Leggie'. Yeah, I hated it. > > > > "Why don't you come with me and meet my friends." CROW: [Legolas] Are they any different from *these* maniacs? > Lori said as more of an > order that a request. TOM: Mike, explain to me how she's different from Crystal again? CROW: [Legolas] A - I don't want to. B - I don't want to. C - You're a bitch. D - Go to hell. > > > > "Thank you very much for the offer but Legolas is hanging out with us right > now." I said, keeping my voice calm and even. > > > > "Why do you keep butting in on our, that is to say Legolas and my > conversation?" Lori asked spitefully. TOM: [Crystal, whispering] Because I've made it so he can't hold one on his own. I'm sorry, its kinda embarrassing now... > > > > "It was you Lori who butted into our fun." Joe said angrily. CROW: So being slapped is their fun? MIKE: Hey, it takes all sorts to make a world. > > > > "I see when I'm not wanted, MIKE: [Crystal] That's right! Now you take your respect for Legolas and your attempts to help him assert himself and you GET OUT OF HERE! > come Legolas let's go see people who appreciate > our taste." Lori took Legolas by the arm and started walking away. MIKE: Ah, come in, Houston. We have possible catfight approaching. Please advise! TOM: Roger that. Advise grabbing a MGD six-pack and finding a good seat. Over! > > > > "Excuse me Lori but I'm quite happy here where I am with my friends." > Legolas said stressing the word friends and pulling his arm away from Lori. CROW: [Crystal] In other words - Hands off, skank! MIKE: [Lori] You don't want to get associated with the WRONG croud, do you? Not these people like *Crystal*, do you? I can help you with that, Legolas. I can help you find who you should associate with. TOM: [Legolas] I think I can find that out on my own, thanks. > > > > "Well, I would think twice about who your friends are because these people > are losers, especially Crystal, she's the head loser." CROW: Aw, c'mon Crystal! Give us Lori's last name! You did it with all the others! TOM: Yeah, we wanna meet Lori! > > > > "Hey Lori, insult me all you want, but leave my friends out of this, your > fight is with me, not them." I said loudly. CROW: Keep your fingers crossed, boys! We may see some action yet! > > > > "Crystal, there's no need for her to insult any of us, just let me shut her > up." John whispered. ALL: Boo! > > > > "Oh, big man, trying to protect your girl, or is she trying to protect > you." Lori taunted. CROW: Wow, she sees right through them! TOM: Mike, should I be concerned that Lori's my new favorite character? > > > > "For one thing, she's all of our girl ALL: *Whoa* now! CROW: *Crystal!* Have you no shame? TOM: She really gets around, doesn't she? MIKE: As for Carolyn, she'll wander off to a corner and weep. > and for another, we're not above > using violence, Crystal may be but we're not." MIKE: But didn't Marvel Girl go out of her way to mention how well she could fight? Twice? CROW: [admonishingly] Miiike? MIKE: Oh. Right. Continuity. Ain't none. Shutting up now... > John bit out the words. CROW: [Lori] Ah, but you see, Johnny, I don't have a crotch to kick! So nyah! > > > > "John, don't do anything rash." I hissed. "You could get thrown off the DIG > team if you use violence." TOM: But being an insufferable uber-bitch is okay? CROW: Obviously, they belong to the Our Lady of Heathers church. > > > > "Oh so you can get thrown off the team if you use violence eh?" Lori mused > an evil smile forming on her lips. Without another word she punched me in > the face. TOM: Cardboard villain, activate! CROW: [Lori] Ha ha ha ha! Let them throw me off the team! I'll be free from this fanfic! Hooray! > > > > The rest of the DIG team rushed beside me, ready to hit Lori but I stopped > them. "No, don't you see what she's doing, she's just trying to provoke > us." MIKE: Um, no. She's trying to kick your ass. And succeeding. CROW: We'll return to Spineless Nerd Theatre after these words.... > > > "Don't you see she's just trying to provoke us." Lori taunted. "Damn right > I'm trying to provoke you, you think you're so cool with your wheelchairs, MIKE: [Lori] ...and your pocket protectors, and your differential calculus, and your vapid 1970s Swedish dance-pop... > your motorcycle and Legolas MIKE: Poor Legolas! Now he's reduced to just another prop, mere scenery. > well guess what, none of that matters, not > here." MIKE: You know what does matter, though? CROW: No, Mike. What does matter? MIKE: Crystal's ub3r177+ Taekwando ninja skilz. > With that she punched me again. CROW: Wanna rethink that whole "just trying to provoke us" thing? > > > > "Lori, it's no use, we're not going to retaliate, just give up now before > you hurt yourself." I said calmly. MIKE: [Crystal] I'll pound your fist with my face, see if I don't! TOM: At this point even Gandhi would be saying "Oh, get off your high horse and dropkick the bitch!" > > > > "HA! Give up, before I hurt myself. That's laughable." TOM: [Lori] I've got an adamantium skeleton! > Lori started to > throw another punch when Legolas stepped in front of me and grabbed her > hand. CROW: [Legolas] Here, try it with this knife. > > > > "You will not harm Crystal anymore." TOM: [Legolas] Failure to follow previously-stated procedure will result in your immediate termination. Intelligence is irrelevant. Evil plans are irrelevant. Evil is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. The computer is your friend. > He growled dangerously and pushed her > off the curb, CROW: My way or the highway! > Lori landed face down on the hard pavement. [All make police car and siren noises] TOM: [Howard Cosell] DOWN GOES LORI! DOWN GOES LORI! DOWN GOES LORI! CROW: [Legolas] And *that* is what happens to people who have evil plans! > > > > I rushed over to her side to see if she was all right. CROW: This is getting into a whole weird hurt-comfort area here. > Lori turned to look > at me and I saw that her lip was bloody. TOM: [Crystal] Yet she was still so radiant and beautiful. No matter how many stories I write about my greatness, I'll always be inferior to Lori. > "You should get some ice on > that." I said in a concerned voice. CROW: [Disgusted groan] You know what, Lori? Just get up and deck her! MIKE: Crystal, dear - I know you *think* you're following the WWJD principle here. But one - I'm pretty sure that Jesus could offer comfort to an enemy without it totally sounding like a taunt. Two - I'm also pretty sure he wouldn't let himself get punched repeatedly in the face just to make a rather dubious moral statement... TOM: In other words: What Would Jesus Do? NOT THAT! > > > > Lori got up and sneered at me. "I don't need your help, I've done my Job, MIKE: Her use of capital letters shows her *pride* in her work! > Legolas is going to be kicked off DIG TOM: He won't be able to string up "grellow" tape any more! Oh, the *tragedy!* > and it'll be all your fault." She > laughed and ran back to the church. MIKE: [Crystal] Well... I guess she had an evil plan, then. I *tried* to warn you people, but *noooooooo*! TOM: Mike? What's she talking about? Legolas was never on their stupid little club, was he? CROW: Unless Crystal plans to rehash *that* story, too. [Mike sighs resignedly] > > > > I turned around and glared at Legolas. "You, come with me." I growled. MIKE: [Crystal] How *dare* you stand up for me! > He > came to my side and I stalked downstairs with the rest of the DIG team > following quietly. CROW: Mike, I've decided that I hate that glare, and all that it stands for. Is that wrong? MIKE: Normally, yes. Here - practically required. > > > > So Legolas met the Royal Bitch of the church MIKE: [Crystal] But enough about me! CROW: I could never keep all those church titles straight. Is that more like a choir director, or more like a lay reader? TOM: Look, we're in enough trouble already! > and has gotten himself in > trouble, where am I taking him and why? CROW: And, more importantly, who really wants to know? > Why on earth would I call Ryan > brother, TOM: You got soul? > we defiantly are not related TOM: So stick *that* in your genealogical table and smoke it! > and what do I have against the name > sissy? CROW: More importantly: why? Just, why? > Find out next Chapter. By the way Lori is not a real person MIKE: [Crystal] ...and she definitely does *not* beat me up and steal my lunch money every day... > she is a composite character. MIKE: [Crystal] *Lots* of people are nicer and more popular than me! > Please review with your comments. MIKE: [chuckling] Oh, we'll do *that* alright... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6....] On the bridge of the Satellite of Destruction, Michael J. Nelson, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo stared out into what would have normally been the inky blackness of space. Now, the starfield was awash in the deadly colors of blaster fire from a thousand spaceships, each from a different sci-fi universe. As the out-of-control dimensional portal built by Tom and Crow continued creating rifts into the fictional plane, more and more overpowered fantasy crafts poured into low Earth orbit, until there was hardly any room for anyone to move, much less fight... ***** "Captain! A Terran ship is approaching!" a Protoss lieutenant exclaimed. "Excellent. Send it careening towards one of our enemies." "Which one?" "*Any* one," the captain replied, as though the answer was obvious. ***** "ACKGLUGKA, UUURGA GAAG GRAAAAUUAAAGA GAAAAALAARRRUAG GUUUHRGIFGJKTL!" ("Captain! A Terran craft approaches!") a Kilrathi navigator on the corvette 'Blood Tide.' "Well, what are you waiting for, quimlad?" the commander responded in English that, other than being undercut with a slight husky growl, was flawless. "Kill them! Activate flak cannons and destroy them!" "But sir," a Kilrathi ensign exclaimed, a lion's growl punctuating his speech, "Are we not allied with the humans in an attempt to destroy the Nephilim?" There was a pause. The captain roared, picked up the ensign by his neck, and glared into his eyes. "I don't know what you are talking about, impetuous one, but rest assured, I will not tolerate such casual use of Civar's prophecy in my presence! The day we ally with humans is the day I turn in my Dorksha for a conductor's baton! Understand, whelp?" "... Yessir." ***** Far off, several quadrants away, a huge, scorching firefight was under way. The universe had not seen such a gargantuan clash of titans, and probably would not see one again, because the winner would quite likely tear it apart. "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. We will add your technological and biolog--" *BLAAAOOOOOOOOOM* "Such fragile craft these creatures build!" exclaimed a Nephilim over its radio link as it fired off its Manta's weapons, superheating the delicate bioorganic hull of the Borg cube and sending the hulk spinning away. "Stand and be judg--" *BOOM!* "Another one of those low-class imitators gone," a pilot for what is only known to humans as Species 8472 icily reported over his radio. A little ways off, another group of Nephilim were having problems of their own. "We are breaking up! All pilots, stand clear!" the comm officer of an Orca cried as the ship, sheered of its engines and bridge, violently self-destructed, taking the Zerg horde that had destroyed it along with it. "Sir!" one of Species 8472 exclaimed, deftly avoiding a few Zerglings and blasting a Hydrolisk into plasma, "I'm detecting a subspacial anomaly--" "What, *another* one?" "--Approximately thirty c--" And then the ship vanished in a swirl of purple light as it went speeding through subspace, courtesy of a Stellar Accretion device that the Nephilim had been working on. It appeared in just above Earth orbit, and promptly reigned havoc with the Trade Federation. The robots from Descent promptly took advantage of the situation. Not far from the Species 8472 vessel, half a dozen different incarnations of the U.S.S. Enterprise materialized out of space and time. Captain Kirk, having never quite forgiven Picard for letting him die in Star Trek: Generations, decided to take a potshot at the Enterprise-D, yet as he was about to fire, his Enterprise was instantly vaporized by the Jupiter II of 'Lost in Space', the crew of which had never quite forgiven Kirk for raising the bar of TV science fiction and dooming them to a future on TV Land and in cheesy 90's retro nostalgia movies... ***** Meanwhile, the poor Satellite of Evil was being thrown around like a trailer in a tornado, as scorching laser blasts grazed its hull and mighty hunks of previously-fictitious futuristic alloys pummeled the lower decks. "Hey, keep it on the road, Irresponsible Captain Tylor!" Tom yelled from the helm, honking the satellite's horn and cursing as only a robot can. "Get your own lane, Space Battleship Yamato!" Since Gypsy was currently possessed by the evil dimensional portal thingy, *someone* had to fly the ship. "Hey, Zentraedi, I see you back there! Stop riding my &#$@!$% bumper!" "Hey, Tom, why don't you give it a rest?" Mike said, putting his hand on Tom's shoulder. "It's not like we're actually going anywhere--" "Did you see what that @#$%!*-hole just did?" Tom shouted, turning the wheel hard to port. "That #$@#$%ing UFO from 'Asteroids' just cut me off! Hey, $&^@#$-face, lemme show you what Tom Servo's made of!" With that epithet, the satellite shot off in an explosive boost of acceleration, knocking Mike off his feet and causing Crow to slide and slip on the metal deck. "Whoa, what's gotten into Servo?" Mike pondered as he regained his footing. "Has he been merged with Cid Highwind or something?" "Nah, that's just road rage," Crow answered. "You should see him on the 405 at rush hour!" "Huh? How'd Tom get--" But Mike would not get a chance to work out his puzzlement. At that instant, an explosion rocked the decks of the Satellite of Lethargy, sending Mike and the bots flying across the bridge as the satellite careened off into space. The sudden changes in velocity tossed the three shipmates like BBs in a barrel, until, thanks to the complete messing-up of the laws of physics, the ship slowed down and skidded to a stop. "I don't think I can take much more of this, Mike," Crow stuttered erraticly as he attempted to pick himself up from the floor. "I just puked three times--and I don't even have a stomach!" Tom groaned in assent as he flipped his hoverskirt upright. "Grrrr.... if only we could get our hands on whoever built that dimensional thingy--oh wait, that was us," he said with a sigh. "Yes, it was you guys," said Mike with more than his usual air of annoyance. "And just because you wanted your own Lord of the Rings elf to play with like in the fanfic you had to open the gates of *hell* and unleash horrible terrible destruction on the very nature of reality itself!" "How did I know that was supposed to happen?" Crow whined. "It's not like I programmed the thing for total world domination!" Tom piped in: "Well, you kind of have to expect these things when you run Windows 95." A pause. Somewhere, a cricket chirped. "Gee whiz, guys, I was only trying to inject some levity into a stressful situation," Tom said assuming a defensive posture. "Things can't be all that bad. We have Crystal out there rallying all the Mary Sues to the earth's defen--oh crap, we're doomed, aren't we?" "I wouldn't say that, Servo," Crow responded. "As we know, Mary Sues have tremendous powers against fictional characters. If Crystal were to somehow unite the world's self-inserted avatars and somehow persuade them to use their powers for good instead of inflating their huge egos, we might just win this thing!" "Hey, gang?" Mike was staring out into the mess of space trash on the Hexfield screen. "You know that big explosion that just knocked us half way to the moon?" "Yeah, what about it?" Tom said. "That was Crystal's ship." Tom sighed. "I guess her huge ego made her too easy a target then..." "Well, that about does it for the universe, I suppose," Crow said. "Anyone for a game of Scrabble?" TO BE CONTINUED... ===== Special thanks to James Bond for his exciting revision of the host segment and to Keith Palmer for his text-file tech support. All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl/Isis, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003-2004 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. Just be glad there weren't any *song lyrics* in this part... ----- Last updated: 11 February 2004 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > Lori taunted. "Damn right I'm trying to provoke you, you think you're so cool > with your wheelchairs, your motorcycle and Legolas well guess what, none of > that matters, not here." With that she punched me again. MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Part 9 of 9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, Chan-wu Yi, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random, Typewriter Monkey and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missing a part? Still don't know what's going on? Read the entire "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom ***** Legolas Greenleaf stood in what was once a major street of some major North American city. Carnage reigned as far as his keen elven eyes could see. The sky was brilliant red from dust, explosions and laser fire. Putties from Power Rangers, Gamorrean Guards from Star Wars, and Ninja Turtle Foot Soldiers were roaming the streets, disemboweling innocent civilians with their ubiquitous pointed extension-of-their-manhood weapons. Across the street in an alleyway, Officer Sipowicz of NYPD Blue fame was locked in a deadly struggle with a huge mutated spider from Parasite Eve. Down the block, the Sopranos and the Corleones were engaged in a huge firefight for control of the lucrative Tek market, until Elliot Ness and his Untouchables drove by in Flash Gordon's spaceship and vaporized them instantly with their Omega-13. And Legolas was continually having to dodge huge chunks of building coming from the roof of the skyscraper he was standing by; the Transformers and the Gargoyles were having another little tiff again. Just as he was about to (rather loudly) curse fate or ratings or evil internet teenaged MSTing authors or whatever had caused all of this insanity, the pavement burst in front of him. Legolas jumped back, startled, as the crocodile from Lake Placid rose, its jaws locked firmly around the midriff of the alligator from Resident Evil 2. The alligator managed to escape the powerful croc's grasp, however, and the two began a very destructive slug fest, ending quite abruptly as they were both unceremoniously slain by Crocodile Hunter Dundee. So rather than cursing humans for creating the violent fictions that spawned these literary monsters, Legolas decided to bite his tongue. He was from an inherently-violent fantasy war epic himself. Legolas dusted himself off and checked his watch, which he had found at the bottom of a cereal box. "Hmm, it's 13:00," he remarked. "That means 'Labyrinth' should be warping into our dimension soon. I'll have to go get some hair-care tips from David Bowie." "Hey, Legolas," a familiar voice came from behind. Legolas turned around. "Hello, Crystal. How was your time at the Legion of Mary Sues?" "Oh, terrible, just terrible!" Crystal raised her hands in exasperation. "They wouldn't listen to a thing I said! Then they all laughed and made fun of me and called me a stupid amateur Mary Sue with no ambition and that my telepathic powers were dumb and that I never did anything with them and that all my friends were losers and that instead of hanging out with other teenage geeks I should be spending time making starship captains fall in love with me and that my TV-summoned creation was stupid and then Adriana Starfire pulled out her Legolas she summoned from a Hildebrant painting who could juggle and code in Java and then Marrissa Picard kept asking me what my Kobayashi Maru time was and and and..." Crystal crumpled into Legolas' chest and started sobbing. "But enough of that," the elf stated coolly. "So are they going to help us fight off these fictional characters or not?" "They're spending all their time chasing after boy band boys and Simon from 'Firefly'," Crystal choked through their tears. "Like totally, all they think about is *themselves*!" "Funny how that sounds familiar," Legolas muttered under his breath. "Oh, I just don't *care* anymore," Crystal screamed. "Let's just go home!" "We can't." Legolas stated matter-of-factly. "You turned your house into a spaceship, remember, so you could harass those guys on that satellite who were reading your fanfic? And then you said, 'Hey, while we're up here, let's do a Picard Maneuver!' By Durin's beard, woman, what are your parents going to say when they come back from fighting the Dominion War to find their house has turned into a meteor shower over Southern Australia?" "Hey!" Crystal stepped back. "I managed to save the 1985 Nissan King Cab by turning it into an escape pod, didn't I?" A recognizable disco theme began playing on a stereo nearby, as a dark storm cloud began rolling in. THUD! Suddenly, a humanoid figure, rolled into a fetal position, fell to earth. DRIP! Another being fell onto the pavement. PLOP! More landed nearby, and the ones that had landed before soon begin to stand up, revealing themselves to be extremely cute guys, tall, dark, blond, and lean. And they were all completely naked. Crystal and Legolas looked up, slack-jawed in surprise. "It's raining... men," Legolas remarked, dumbfounded. "Whoa... hallelujah, I guess," Crystal replied. Suddenly squeals of delight emanated from the building Crystal had just left. High-pitched screams rang out, "It's raining *MEN!*" "Where, where?" another scream replied. The yells continued: "Kawaiiiiiii!" "Oooooh, they're so cute! I'm going to go out and let myself get absolutely soaking wet!" "Gotta catch 'em all!" "I wonder if any of them need any hurt/comfort..." Then suddenly a rush of teenage girls, catgirls, cyborg girls, chipmunk girls, elf girls, goth girls, and girls in the uniforms of various future space agencies came swarming out of the skyscraper. The raining men, expecting disco singers and not a total onslaught of female fandominity, started fleeing almost as fast as they had arrived. The Mary Sues took chase, sprouting wings from their back, beaming up to their starships, hopping into their convertibles, summoning dragons, changing into their superhero costumes or just plain running to catch them. Then, as quickly as they had fallen, the men were instantly crushed under the foot of a rampaging hundred-meter-tall Japanese lizard. Five seconds later that lizard tasted just like chicken. The other monsters in the vicinity were likewise turned from regular to extra crispy as the Mary Sues responded in rage. "Well, that was kind of sexist, but it worked," Legolas commented. "But what are we going to do to persuade those male Mary Sues... the Marty Stus?" "I don't know," Crystal said. "Do you know any songs called 'It's Raining Mecha'"? Meanwhile, for the boys aboard the Satellite of Love, a new chapter of terror was about to begin..... [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > 25. Code names, Katherine, and a cannon ball MIKE: Those code names are kinda lame, don't you think? CROW: Ooh! I want a code name too! Can I be "Bot of Gold"? TOM: Yeah, and I want to be "The Crimson Avenger"! MIKE: Okay...I guess I should think of a code name too.... CROW: We've already got one for you, "Cheeseboy." > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: You're right, Legolas isn't a sophisticated > as he is in the movie, CROW: Wow! I hadn't noticed that! Did you guys? TOM: Boy, WeasleyTwinsLover1112 doesn't miss a step, eh? MIKE: For her careful and discerning eye, WeasleyTwinsLover1112 gets a chocolate bar. > maybe coming to Earth has changed his > personality slightly. CROW: Translation: I have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to write the character who's theoretically the title role, but I'll just deus ex machina my way out of it because I love to write about ME. MIKE: Bitter much? > Mind you I think that if you were watching > your friend being beaten up then you would do whatever possible to > stop it. TOM: [Crystal] ...So as you *clearly see*, it was *perfectly in character* for Legolas to break Lori's spine in a dozen places! ...Right, officer? > Lori will be out of the story soon, TOM: *sigh* There goes our favorite character... > at least for now but > in this chapter we find out about a new person that will make > things very interesting. MIKE: I hope by "very" she means "finally." > Disclaimer: Look in another chapter. MIKE: In another story, on another website... TOM: On second thought, don't bother. They're all equally bad. > I open a classroom door and pushed Legolas inside. TOM: [Lori] Hah! Violence! You're disqualified too! CROW: [Crystal w/shotgun] *Blam!* Told you I'd get rid of her soon! > "Here take the > keys, MIKE: [Ryan] We're free! Hurry! Run before she picks the lock with her way kewl psychic skeelz! > I'm going to lock us inside, I need to talk to Legolas alone, MIKE: Time for an afterschool special he won't soon forget! > if things look like they are getting out of hand, CROW: [Crystal] Limbs ripped *clean* off, blood *completely* obscuring the little window... > then come in and > stop me MIKE: [Crystal] If you've got the *guts!* > but other than that leave us alone." MIKE: She's going to yell at one of the bravest, most powerful warriors in Mirkwood and she's afraid people might have to stop *her*? TOM: [Crystal] Seriously! I could really hurt him... WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING! > I said handing Ryan the key chain. MIKE: [Ryan] You know, if you wanted to boink Legolas this badly, all you had to do was mention it. We would've cleared out for you... CROW: [Crystal, innocently] "Boink?" What means this "boink?" > "Done, but you should really deal with the fact that you're hurt > first, you have two black eyes forming and a cut lip." Ryan said, > his voice filled with concern. TOM: It's concern I tell you! Honest! That isn't a grin of pleasure at seeing your face turned to hamburger! > "I promise you as soon as I'm done with Legolas I will go get > looked after." I said. TOM: [Crystal] Screw my well-being! There's scolding to be done! CROW: [Crystal] And by the time I'm done with Legolas, he'll need to be "looked after" too, ifyaknowwhatImean.... > "Hey, go easy on Legolas CROW: Must resist pervert instinct! > remember TOM: [John] ...he didn't do anything wrong... > he was only trying to protect > you." John whispered. MIKE: [John] And you also might want to remember that you're locking your self in a room with a demigod who could dismember you with mind blowing ease. Have fun! > "Alright. I'll try." TOM: [John, whispering] And remember what we discussed earlier? CROW: [Legolas, whispering] "When the cops ask, 'She slipped and fell down the stairs.'" TOM: [John] Good man! > I closed the door behind me and then turned to Legolas. "What did > you think you would accomplish by hurting Lori?" I asked. MIKE: "Plot?" Legolas mumbled weakly. > "I was saving you from harm." Legolas answered, clearly feeling > guilty. TOM: Yes, because protecting your friend is a horrible sin! MIKE: [Legolas] Man, I feel so *bad* about that tiny scrape on her lip...this is worse than the time I slaughtered dozens of orcs at the battle for Gondor! > "While that is very noble of you and I really am grateful violence > is not the answer." I said. TOM: ...Dear God, Crystal's become an Amiga text adventure parser! MIKE: She *does* realize that she's talking to someone who's probably killed more sentient beings than she's ever met, doesn't she? > We went on like this for a while until the movie was about to > start. TOM: Enough of this taut yet far-ranging debate. It's *movie* time! > "Well they've been in there for a half an hour, do you think > we should go and save Legolas?" David asked. CROW: [John] Hey, the poor boy may finally be getting lucky. Let's leave them be, huh? > "Well I don't hear yelling so MIKE: [Carolyn] ...they must be having problems with the nipple clamps... > it can't be that bad, but I would > agree, CROW: [Carolyn] ...even Pauly Shore is less revolting than Tom Green... > we should get Legolas out of there before Crystal gets > worked up." Carolyn answered. TOM: [Carolyn] But go get the shovels and quicklime, just in case. CROW: The irony is just bouncing off them like bullets off Superman's chest! > Ryan unlocked the door and I came out followed by Legolas. CROW: Barely on his feet, but hey, under his own power! MIKE: [Crystal] Well things clearly were *not* getting out of hand, therefore you disobeyed my instructions, ten lashes! > "Well was your time productive?" Ryan asked. TOM: [Crystal] Sure was! I worked out the theory of quantum gravity, and Legolas here discovered a cure for AIDS! > > > > "Fairly, Legolas now knows that we need to love our neighbors as > ourselves right?" Legolas nodded. MIKE: [Legolas, mumbling] Yeah, that hogwash'll get you dead in no time flat-- I mean, yes, mistress Crystal!!! CROW: [Crystal] I didn't say speak! *Wack!* > "Brian came down wanting to see Legolas, it seems Lori went and > told him that Legolas punched her and now Brian thinks Legolas is > to blame." Joe said. TOM: [Joe] So I told him a half-dozen witnesses say otherwise, so it's cool. CROW: And of course, Brian probably never asked *why* Legolas would punch her... > "Take us to him." I instructed. MIKE: Take me to your leader. I come in peace. > "You should get cleaned up before we go." Ryan worried. > > > > "No, if I'm going to prove that Legolas was doing this in defense > of me then I have to show him I've been hurt." I reasoned. CROW: [Crystal] Otherwise, boo hoo! Nobody'll know how I feel! Waaaahhh!! TOM: I never knew black eyes washed off. MIKE: Wouldn't the words of the *nine* of you and only *one* Lori be enough? > > > > "Brian, I need to talk to you." I said after finding him. CROW: [Crystal] Just like I "talked" to Legolas.... Guwaa-haa-haaaa!!! > > > > "Crystal, what happened?" Brian asked. "You look worse than Lori." TOM: [Brian] You look like you let yourself get punched repeatedly in the face! MIKE: [Crystal] But this is how I always look! > "Exactly, I have nine eyewitnesses that say it was Lori who threw > the first, second and was about to throw the third punch when > Legolas stepped in." I said. MIKE: Tactfully leaving out the part where she stood there and took it... > "Lori and I have been enemies forever TOM: [Crystal] She TASKS me! MIKE: You're never too young for a vendetta! > and I somehow let it slip that if we used violence then we would be > thrown off the DIG team CROW: They need to *have* a rule like that? Lotta violence north of the border. TOM: "Somehow" being secret code for "I yelled it out like a jackass," apparently. > so she punched me hoping to provoke me to > punch her back, she knows that the DIG team is everything to me TOM: [Legolas] Er... hello? Hunky elf-- CROW: [Crystal] *Silence!* > so if I was out of it then I would be miserable CROW: I don't know. Being "out of it" doesn't seem to have affected her in the past... TOM: [Crystal, bawling] Don't you see?! My entire existence is based on digging holes for our hateful, intolerant church! > but I didn't > retaliate, so she punched me again, and she would have a third time > but Legolas caught her fist and pushed her back, she fell flat on > her face, MIKE: Which is impressive after being pushed backwards, but hey. > I offered her help but she wouldn't take it." MIKE: [Crystal] *Gasp* *Cough* *Choke* Air! Need Air! *Gasp!* TOM: That's what I love about Crystal. There's never any doubt about who the bad guys are. > "Is this true?" Brian asked everyone. ALL: [others] No! She's lying! TOM: [Ryan] She gave Lori the finger! > > > > "It is." Ryan said CROW: [Ryan] ...this man has no-- MIKE: [clears throat.] CROW: [Ryan] ...err...*brain*. > to the collective nods of the DIG team. TOM: That is one well trained Teen Gang! > "Every word she says is truth." Legolas admitted. TOM: [Legolas] For Crystal is perfect. She cannot err. MIKE: [Legolas] Crystal is god, her name be praised. > "I made a > mistake, CROW: [Legolas] ...should've let Lori wale on that bitch! > seeing Crystal being hurt MIKE: [Legolas] ...made me *so* happy, I thought I'd burst! > clouded my vision, MIKE: [Legolas] I was tempted by the Dark Si-- CROW: Wrong franchise, Greenleaf! MIKE: [Legolas] Er, I got mad. > I never meant > to hurt Lori but it just happened that way." CROW: [Legolas] One thing led to another and...it just *happened*, okay?! TOM: [Legolas] Besides, if I really, really wanted to hurt her, she'd be really REALLY dead right now. > "Well Legolas, seeing that you did this only for the protection of > one of our own CROW: "The Good Samaritan?" What does *he* have to do with anything? > and seeing as you didn't mean to hurt Lori TOM: [Brian] ...your unnecessary violence was oh-TAY! > I will > let you off the hook, Lori on the other hand is a different story, CROW: [Brian] Called "Legolas: Useless Lust And the Lucky Bitches Who Waste What They Have", which should be making its fanfiction.net debut any day now! MIKE: Please NO. > punching you to provoke you and then again when you refused to > retaliate is CROW: [Brian] ...really pretty funny! I bet it was fun, too...Say, *I* can throw a pretty good punch.... MIKE: [Crystal] *gulp* > a horrible thing to do. She will be punished." MIKE: [Brian] She will be PYOO-neeshed! Mwa-oh, Crystal would you do the honors? TOM: [Crystal] MWAHAHAHAHA! > Brian said turning away from us and going to find the girl in question. MIKE: I thought it was all settled! > "Come on, we are getting you some ice before the movie." Ryan said > ushering me towards the kitchen. MIKE: [Crystal] Good because my drink was getting pretty... CROW: [Ryan] For your FACE, Brain Child! MIKE: [Crystal] Oh... Right. CROW: [Ryan] Now just walk into the freezer... *Wham* Hah! Sucker! > We sat down on the cold gym floor to watch the movie on the > overhead screen. "Legolas, what you're about to see is the > retelling of the story of the ring, I'm going to take you out near > the end because there are things you haven't experienced yet in > there." I said. TOM: [Legolas] Like hell you will! Do you realize how much good I can do if I go back knowing what's to come?!? Why I could... MIKE: [Crystal, waving hand] You do not wish to know what happens next. TOM: [Legolas] I do not wish to know what happens next. > > > "Ok." CROW: "Okay." He *completely* shrugs off the question of art imitating distant life, to say *nothing* of the mutability of adaptations, just to let *Crystal* tell him she's wheeling him around like a side of *meat*-- MIKE: Okay, okay! CROW: [suddenly cheerful] That's more like it! > > > > Near the end of the movie I brought Legolas out of the gym and went > downstairs with him. CROW: [Crystal] Partly to keep him from seeing what happens, but mostly because he kept yelling "That's not how that went!!!" > "This is air hockey, you use this... thing... TOM: Technical term... > to hit the little black puck into the other person's goal slot." MIKE: That sounds faintly dirty. TOM: [Crystal] It's a very Freudian game. > I said. "Like this." I hit the puck and it bounced off of the wall. > "Except in." I laughed at my feeble attempt to play. TOM: Wow, Crystal was bad at something. And the Canadian national sport, even. Oho, this is not good, not good at all, Crystal. CROW: Well, see, Crystal bought a "cannot do popular sports well" flaw to balance out all of her merits. TOM: ...That actually makes a twisted sort of sense. > "Crystal, I heard you call Ryan Bro does that mean brother TOM: [Crystal] No, it stands for Bogus Religion Organizer. We're Scientologists. > and if > so why do you call him that? MIKE: [Crystal] It's a PG-13 fic. > You're not related are you?" Legolas > asked. CROW: [Crystal] In a sense, though Ryan's actually more closely related to the ourang-outang. TOM: Will her answer be relevant, interesting, both, or neither? You make the call. > "No Legolas, we are not related as far back as I know CROW: [Crystal] --Hey, my family *does* get around! > but yes, bro > means brother, the reason I call Ryan that is because since we > became friends, back when I was thirteen and he was fourteen, CROW: [Legolas] So, last week? TOM: [Crystal] Shut up... > we felt very safe around each other as if we were siblings, one day he > just started calling me sister, then sis and then sissy, which I > hate, and so I called him brother or bro and I still do." I > explained. MIKE: [Legolas] I'm sorry I asked. TOM: I should've included a fifth option: "What the hell is she yammering about?" CROW: So we've just tossed a Luke-and-Leia-esque layer of creepy into the mix, then? > > "Why do you hate the name sissy?" Legolas asked. MIKE: [Crystal, mock sweet] Well, you see, Legolas, in our world there's a proverb that says "sometimes the truth hurts". Bet you don't have that saying in Middle Earth, just like you don't have pineapples in Middle Earth... > "Well, when I was little I got picked on a lot and the people who > wanted to pick on me would call me Chrissie, TOM: [gasp] Those big meanies! > sissy sound far too > similar to be tolerable by me." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] And thus was born the epic tale "Legolas, Back to the Future"! MIKE: [Legolas] Wow, your ego is even more fragile than I thought. No wonder you're writing yourself as a power-mad, tyrannical nutcase. > "Do you have names for any other member of the DIG team?" Legolas > asked. TOM: [Crystal] You mean besides, "My minions?" > I gave a short laugh. "I have special name for lots of the DIG > team, MIKE: [Crystal] Like Poopie, Svendolsson, and Rikkimikkigo-hikki! > we made up code names for everyone and we use them to > communicate on walkie-talkies TOM: [on radio] This is Charlie One Seven Two! I got unbelievers coming down on my position, and I'm out of Chick tracts! MIKE: [on radio] I'm on it, Charlie One Seven Two! I got two youth leaders and a Jesus-freak teen-age gurl on the way. We'll make those bastards love Jesus! > which you will find out about > tonight, I call John 'cookiedough' and he calls me MIKE: Rikki-tikki-tembo-no-sa-rembo-chari-bari-nari... Umm... Joe-Centauri. BOTS: (snicker) MIKE: Hey, it was a long time ago. Give me a break, guys! > the same. I call > Joe TOM: [Crystal] ...a pathetic lump of flesh unworthy even to kiss the toe of my boot as I grind it into his face! > 'sorry did you say something?' and he calls me CROW: [Crystal] ...God. > 'fine ignore > me.'" BOTS: Ok, can do! MIKE: Y'know, something tells me there's an Abbott and Costello joke in there someplace. > "Why do you call each other that?" Legolas asked of the peculiar > names. TOM: [Crystal] We're self-absorbed teenaged windbags with no lives? CROW: Dude, just let it drop! You'll keep more brain cells that way! > "Well for some reason I ignore Joe a lot MIKE: [Crystal] Every reason I can put a name on would mean ignoring everyone *else* I know... > and so he always ends up > saying 'fine ignore me' and I end up answering 'sorry did you say > something' TOM: [Crystal] Erm...yes? What? Is one of the little people trying to get My attention? > it's very weird. Those are all the special names I have > for people. Then there are the names that everybody uses, Ryan's is > 'dancing queen.'" CROW: [Ryan, campy] I'm the dancing queen, he-LLO! > Legolas opened his mouth to say something but I > intervened. TOM: With a fat legal document! > "Don't ask why, it's a long difficult story, actually > don't ask me about any of the nicknames, MIKE: [Crystal] Just...don't ask me anything, ever! > if you're really curious > ask who they belong to. CROW: [Crystal] You've been tempered under long study, but at last it's time for you to pester *other* people. > Then Joe is 'male nurse' John is TOM: [Crystal] ...'the Baptist'... > 'disco > loco', Carolyn is 'little sister', David is 'Canuck fan', MIKE: [Crystal] ...Lady is 'a Tramp'... TOM: *sings* 'cause the Lady is a Vamp, she's a vixen not a-- MIKE: *hand clamped over Tom's mouth* Tom, don't take this the wrong way, but if you *ever* sing Spice Girls again I will mince you and serve you with toast. TOM: *whimpers* > Tall David is ALL: SHTOO-PUD! > 'Quiet' and I am 'panther.'" ALL: o/~ G.I. Jooooooe! o/~ CROW: Yep, I think we all know who gave *herself* a nickname.... TOM: [Crystal] I used to be nicknamed "Jaguar", but then I upgraded to Mac OS X 10.3... > "May I ask you about your nickname?" Legolas asked. CROW: NO! DIE! *BAM!* > "Well, a panther is a big cat that lives in the jungles of South > America, it is black with brilliant green eyes, like mine, and it > is nocturnal, it only comes at night [CROW begins snickering.] MIKE: Oh, grow up. > and it lives in the trees." MIKE: Actually, the panther is not a separate species. It's simply a genetic variant that appears in several species of big cats, most commonly jaguars and leopards. The green eyes are artistic license, and panthers are no more or less nocturnal than whichever species they are. [The BOTS look at MIKE.] MIKE: What? I read. > I said. "I've always said that if I believed in reincarnation CROW: [southern] ...I'd burn in HELL with all the other NONBELIEVERS! > I would > have been a cat in my former life, I'm so like them. CROW: [Crystal] I tear up the furniture and shed on it, I sleep lots, I attack small animals and leave them on the doorstep... MIKE: [Crystal] I don't care about anyone but myself, and I'm as likely to claw your face off as look at you! > And I thought > panthers were cool so I chose that name." TOM: It's Anthromorphin Time! MIKE: And the fact that she just blatantly gave herself the coolest nickname just slips under her radar, doesn't it? CROW: [Crystal] What, you didn't think I'd *earn* a nickname by associating with *others*, did you? > "I see." TOM: [Legolas] You truly are in your own little world, aren't you? > "Sis, the movie's, over we're having service in 20 minutes." Ryan > called coming down the stairs. CROW: [Ryan] Your asses and your souls are required upstairs *now*! > > > > 20 minutes later we were sitting in the chairs that were set up in > front of the stage waiting for the worship team to finish warming > up. MIKE: [coach] Are you stoked?! BOTS: [worship team] Yeah! MIKE: [coach] You ready to bow before Jesus like we've never bowed before Jesus before?! BOTS: [worship team] Yeah! MIKE: [coach] Are you mean?! BOTS: [worship team] Yeah! MIKE: [coach] Are you lean?! BOTS: [worship team] Yeah! MIKE: [coach] WHAT ARE YOU?! ALL: WE'RE THE WORSHIP TEAM! MIKE: [coach] Now get out there, and give 'em Heaven! > "Who all is up there?" Legolas asked. MIKE: Legolas goes Southern, News at 10:00. > > > > "Well, Miko, she's one of the youth leaders, is playing the piano, > then on backup vocals are Stefan, Cara Kagel and Katie Ydenberg > (pronounced Idenburg), CROW: ...on guitar is Crow (pronounced Bite Me)... MIKE: Why do you have to tell someone how to pronounce a name you just said? > On lead vocals are Josh Choi and Michelle > Cook, another youth leader. MIKE: ...Billy Barty on kazoo... > Playing the bass guitar is Joe, CROW: [Legolas] What was his nickname again? "Really awful on guitar?" TOM: Which one was at the piano again? MIKE: Does it matter? > as you > know and then finally Jon Cook playing the drums, yes he's > Michelle's brother." I finished. TOM: [Legolas] Does she call him bro, too? MIKE: Round of applause for everybody on Earth Crystal knows! > Michelle stood up and got her guitar ready. MIKE: [imitates a tuning B string] > "Ok everybody stand up. > Let us sing unto the Lord a new song." She said. TOM: [Basso voice] Don't go to any trouble on my account! > We started with a song called 'come, now is the time to worship' CROW: Wait, I don't think she ever explained church or Jesus to Legolas. MIKE: Which brings up the question... what is a century plus elf doing in a youth group? TOM: Hey yeah! And does he get a senior citizens discount? > Then we went onto a song called 'Trading my sorrows.' TOM: That was fast. CROW: It was a *new* song. She didn't have time to write down its lyrics. > "Ooo, I love > this song." MIKE: And we know what *that* means... BOTS: [groaning] Here come the lyrics again... > The song started with a solo by Joe on the bass. MIKE: The catcalls were deafening and immediate, right until he hit the "hypersonic blowout" button on his amp and blasted everyone in the room with 50000-- TOM: [deep voice] 50000-- CROW: [even deeper voice] 50000 WATTS OF-- ALL: [even *deeper* voice] *POWWWWW-WAAAAAAH.* TOM: You know, it occurs to me to wonder what kind of religious song features a solo on bass guitar. > "That my Joe." I smiled. The music started and everyone was clapping. > "Ryan, are you messing up the beat on purpose or are you just > incapable of keeping time with the music?" I asked TOM: [Ryan] Well, are you singing off-key on purpose or can't you carry a tune in a burlap sack? CROW: [Crystal] Nah, I'm just an ass! > "I'm incapable of keeping time with the music." Ryan admitted. TOM: [Ryan] I'm a *sad* panda. > I took both of his hands in mine and clapped. "One, break, CROW: [Ryan] AHHH! > two, break, TOM: [Ryan] EYOW! > one... two. Do you think you have it?" I asked letting > Ryan's hands go. CROW: [Crystal] Yuck. That had better be hair grease. > A few seconds later he lost the beat again. > "You're impossible." MIKE: I thought he was Ryan. TOM: [Legolas] Is that his new nickname, then? Will I get a nickname? Why am I here if this religion came about thousands of years after I went to the Grey Havens? Why don't I have a personality? Why haven't I killed you yet? CROW: [Crystal] *waves hand* You should relax, you know. This is fun. TOM: [Legolas] I should relax, you know. This is fun! *claps* > > > > I'm trading my sorrows ALL: *GROAN!!!* MIKE: Enough with the cut-and-past lyrics, already! Have you no shame, woman? CROW: [Isis] "Shame?" What means this "shame?" > I'm trading my shame > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord CROW: [Lord] Stop groveling! If there's one thing I can't stand it's groveling! > > > > I'm trading my sickness CROW: Got a great deal on some SARS. MIKE: [snickering] Really? HMO's take trade-ins now? TOM: The barter system is alive and well in Vancouver, I see. > I'm trading my pain MIKE: o/~ Yahweh gives me low-low prices! o/~ CROW: She'll get a bulk discount there. > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord MIKE: And I'm sure he appreciates it. So you can stop now. > (When we say yes in the chorus we clap) > > (Ex. We say *clap* Lord, *clap* Lord, *clap clap clap*) MIKE: Well, when I say "This," the Bots say... BOTS: Sucks! MIKE: This! BOTS: Sucks! MIKE: This! BOTS: Sucks! > We say yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord MIKE: [holds telephone to ear] Yes, yes that's right Lord! Yep...mmm-hmmm...no, no that's alright Lord...no...okay then... > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord CROW: [ditto] Yes I did Lord...no, no Lord...no I didn't get the memo about yesterday's company picnic... > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord, amen TOM: [God] All right! All right, already! Just give me your sickness and shut up! > > > > I am pressed but not crushed CROW: o/~ I'm ironed, but not starched... o/~ > persecuted, but not abandoned CROW: o/~ Neither spindled nor mutilated... o/~ > > struck down, but not destroyed CROW: o/~ Shaken, but not stirred... o/~ > I am blessed beyond the curse, > > for His promise will endure MIKE: She'll finally be smote for posting S.I.? CROW: Well, S and I are the first two letters of "sin"! [ALL snicker] > > and His joy will be my strength MIKE: o/~ And his Palmolive will be my salvation o/~ > though the sorrow may last for the night TOM: By morning, our stats will be back up to full. > His joy comes with the morning. CROW: God, official maker of the morning after pill! MIKE: [sighing] So many letters, so many death threats... > > > > I'm trading my sorrows > > I'm trading my shame MIKE: o/~ The new model gets more ostracism per sin... o/~ CROW: o/~ I'm trading in my interest, cuz this song's pretty lame. o/~ > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord TOM: [God] *Grunts* Darn heavenly chorus making all that racket! *Shuffles around* MIKE: [God] *Snore* People trying to sleep here! > > > > > I'm trading my sickness > > I'm trading my pain > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord TOM: [God] Yes, Crystal's pain brings Me joy! > > > > We say yes Lord, MIKE: You certainly do. > yes Lord, yes, yes Lord CROW: [Crystal] Oh, *yes*, Lord! YES! TOM: Crow! That's sick! MIKE: You're going to go to the *special* hell. > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord CROW: Okay, okay, he *gets* it! > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord, amen TOM: Crystal? I've got just two words for you...Friedrich Nietzsche! > > > > We say yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord CROW: No, no not really Lord. No, no Lord, I'm afraid I didn't get the cheese log Aunt Molly sent last week. > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord TOM: The Lord must be really insecure to need such constant reassurance. > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord, amen CROW: [sighs] So, to recap "yes lord"! > > > > I am pressed but not crushed TOM: o/~ In the vineyard of boredom! o/~ CROW: I have the depth of cheap slacks! > persecuted, but not abandoned TOM: [Crystal] o/~ For FF.net is my only true friend! o/~ > > struck down, but not destroyed MIKE: My bubble wrap vest saw to that! > > I am blessed beyond the curse, > > for His promise will endure > > and His joy is going to be my strength CROW: Oooooo, thanks Lord...now I can give Lori the thrashing of her life! > > > > Though the sorrow may last for the night > > His joy comes with the morning. TOM: [falsetto] But what about *my* joy, I tell ya?! That's a man for you. Gets his joy, a sandwich, and a good night's sleep, and what do I get?! > > > > I'm trading my sorrows > > I'm trading my shame > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord CROW: I dunno, does God seem like the type who reads fanfiction to you guys? TOM: o/~ Duh-de-le-det-det-det This is the song that doesn't end--o/~ MIKE: No! > > > > I'm trading my sickness TOM: I've got a cold. > > I'm trading my pain CROW: I've got an Indian burn. > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord TOM: Yes Crystal! You're perfectly blissful! Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup- shutupshutup! *Shut* *up*! Eeeeerrrrrgggghhhh!!!! > > > > I'm trading my sorrows > > I'm trading my shame TOM: o/~ I'm tuning this out 'cause the lines are all the same! o/~ > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord > > > > I'm trading my sickness > > I'm trading my pain > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord > > > > > > "So what did you think?" I asked Legolas. CROW: ARGH! MY LONG POINTY EARS! THE PAIN! THE EXCRUCIATING AGONY! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP, AAHH!...err, wh-what? > "Very exuberant, I like it." He smiled. TOM: ...Who are you, and what have you done with Legolas? MIKE: All that sickness and pain and shame makes for a great crowd-pleaser! > > > > "Good, there's lots more where that came from." I laughed. CROW: [Legolas] Why don't we just leave it where it is, mmm-kay? MIKE: You are a cruel, evil woman, Crystal... > After a few more songs the worship team sat down and Brian came up > to speak. MIKE: And there was much rejoicing. BOTS: Yay. > > > > About fifteen minutes later MIKE: [Isis] We'd all hung ourselves, and Brian was still talking. > the worship team came back up CROW: Fifteen minutes of tuning him out, ladies and gentlemen! TOM: *That* ought to prove useful in controlled circumstances. > and continued singing. ALL: o/~ We're all stars now - IN THE DOPE SHOW! O/~ > I wanna go deeper ALL: Aaaaaggggghhhhh!!! CROW: Uh huh huh huh! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna diiiiiieeeee! TOM: Muh muh muh Mike! She's mixing porn and religion! It's finally happening! Save us! SAVE US! MIKE: I...I...oh God! > But I don't know how to swim MIKE: Guess that means you'll drown then? Ohwellmovingon... > I wanna be meeker MIKE: [Crystal] But Lori's just so...so...errrrggggghhhhh! > > But have you seen this old Earth? CROW: [Crystal] I mean...trolls? Orcs? Ringwraiths? What's all *that* about? MIKE: Today on "This Old Earth", care and maintenance of your vintage dinosaurs. > > I wanna fly higher CROW: o/~ But I'm all out of crack. o/~ > But these arms won't take me there TOM: So I'll make wings out of three-ring binders! > > I wanna be CROW: o/~ A Star, Star, Star... Gonna have My Name Up in Lights...o/~ > > I wanna be TOM: She's such a wannabe! > > > > Maybe I could run MIKE: o/~ Yet the Olympics are still seven years away! o/~ > Maybe I could fly TOM: o/~ Maybe it'll kill you. I dare you to try! o/~ > To you > > Do you feel the same? MIKE: [God] No. > When all you see is blame in me > > > > And the wonder of it all CROW: Is that the RIAA hasn't sent the stormtroopers after you for abusing song lyrics like that. > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you CROW: Ah...so there really is an official Orlando Bloom song? > > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you MIKE: Is anyone else having R.E.O. Speedwagon flashbacks? BOTS: Aha! > > > > I wanna go deeper TOM: [Basso voice] HOW'S THIS? > > But is it just a stupid whim MIKE: What is "This entire fic, in ten words or less?" > I wanna be weaker > > Be a help to the strong > > I wanna run faster > > But this old leg won't carry me MIKE: o/~ Even hopping is difficult! o/~ TOM: o/~ And I haven't saved enough for the bionic implants yet! o/~ > I wanna be TOM: I wanna be a wallaby! > > I wanna be ALL: ...A LUMBER JACK! > > > > Maybe I could run > > Maybe I could fly MIKE: Maybe I could spend the weekend on the couch. CROW: Maybe I could repeat the same words over and over and FREAKING OVER!!! > To you > > Do you feel the same? MIKE: [God] Look, NO, all right? TOM: Crystal? We've been riffing this thing for 25 straight chapters now. Does that answer your question? > When all you see is blame in me CROW: Whoa! Sudden mood swing here. > > > > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall TOM: What's so wondrous about gravity? > > More in love with you CROW: [host] Annie, what do you feel is wrong in the relationship? TOM: [Annie] *sniff* It's like, He doesn't pay enough attention to me. He's always distracted! MIKE: [God] Hey, let's see *you* try to answer ten thousand prayers a second whilst sending a hurricane to Bermuda *and* helping the Cardinals win the big game, huh?! > > > > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you > > > > And the wonder of it all MIKE: o/~ Is that this song is still on... o/~ > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you > > > > And the wonder of it all MIKE: ...is that FF.net hasn't crashed from all this repetition! > > Is that I'm living just to fall CROW: Hey, Isis! The record's skipping! > Maybe I could run > > Maybe I could follow > > > > It's time to walk the path where many seem to fall TOM: There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. > > Hold me in your arms > > Just like any father would CROW: What I'm trying to say is, I'm in love with my father! No, wait... > > > > How long do we have to wait? MIKE: Believe us, Crystal...if we were writing this... > > How long? CROW: Look, it's not *my* fault if you don't like it! > > We're goin all the way MIKE: [God] Whoa there, sweetcheeks! I'm not that kinda gurl! CROW: Put that together with the five lines above and you get one big ball of EWWW!!! > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you TOM: o/~ Only love / Pads the fic o/~ > > > > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you > > > > The wonder of it all? [ALL growl and sigh] CROW: Yeah? > And the wonder of it all? TOM: Yes, yes, the wonder of it all? > The wonder of it all? CROW: Is there--*is there* balm in Gilead? MIKE: [Through his teeth] Yes. The. Wonder. Of. It. All. TOM: [sighing] Oh yeah, see that? Thousands of miles in space, and we *still* have to answer pop quizzes. > And the wonder of it all ALL: SPIT IT OUT, ALREADY!!! > Is that I'm fallin, fallin, fallin TOM: [falsetto] Improbability Factor of 2 to the power of 75,000 to 1 against, and *falling*! > After a little while Brian came up and announced what we were going > to do later on. "In about fifteen minutes CROW: [Brian] ...this song will end. > we're going to walk to > Bear Creek pool and go swimming ALL: Gak! Marrissa Flash backs! > then we're going to play capture > the flag. After capture the flag we'll have another short service TOM: [Head smoking] No more singing! Please no more singing! MIKE: Argh! > and then TOM: ...hopefully the other team will actually manage to return the serve. MIKE: *Another* service? You haven't had *one* yet! > we'll do our slurpee run. When you're good and tired, > we'll play Gargon MIKE: Gargon? What the heck is Gargon? TOM: Don't you turn to stone if you look at them? CROW: No that's Gorgon. > and finally we'll have breakfast at Fresco's... MIKE: Al Fresco's? > Everybody is dismissed." TOM: [Private Snowball] SIR, AYE-AYE, SIR! CROW: Man... This couldn't get any whiter if Wally, The Beav, Ozzy & Harriet, AND The Osmonds showed up! > I went into the girls room to get my bathing suit TOM: [Crystal] And to chastise them for not being as hot as me. > and then came > back to see if I could help with anything. CROW: [Ryan] Crystal. Get a one-piece. Please. TOM: Sweet relief... MIKE: No skinny dipping Crystal *Shudder* Whew... > > > > "No, we're fine here but what you could do is go with the guys to > the pool and make sure that everything is ready for us." Brian > said. MIKE: I couldn't follow that at all, and it *still* sounded dirty... CROW: Yes, go see if everything is ready for our plan to kill you... I mean give you a pool party! That's what I meant! > "Ok, I can do that." I went over to see if anyone else was ready to > leave. "Are you guys ready to go yet?" I called through the door to > the guy's room. TOM: After that song? I know saints that'd be ready to run like hell! > > > > "Almost, Ryan just can't find his swim trunks." Joe called. TOM: [Crystal, quickly] Well, then, I guess he'll just have to go without! MIKE & CROW: GAK!!! WORSE!!! DEEP HURTING!!!! > "Oh come on Bro, you only have one bag, where could they be?" I > asked. > > > > "In about 20 different pockets." Ryan answered. TOM: They're Schrodinger's swim trunks! MIKE: Their position remains fuzzy until an outside observer intervenes. > "I got it." Ryan > came out waving around his yellow and blue swim trunks. CROW: [Crystal] That's wonderful, Ryan. NOW PUT THEM ON BEFORE WE'RE ALL BLIND!!! > "Good, now can we go?" CROW: [gets up] Yes! MIKE: [pulls Crow back down] We're all in this together, goldenclod. > > > > We walked down the path in the slowly coming twilight. but we're > horrified to see Jeffery running after us. [ALL shake in their chairs like the actors on the original Star Trek.] TOM: [Scottish] Cap'n, she canna take another tense shift like that! MIKE: She'll...holdtogether. She's...GOT! TO! MISTER! > "Buddies!" He yelled. MIKE: [Ryan] Uh oh! Spaz on our six! > "Let me deal with this." Legolas murmured. TOM: What's he going to do, annoy him to death? > > > > "Are you sure?" I asked. TOM: [Legolas] Sure! Remember how well I handled the Lori situation? > > > > "Yes." Legolas swung around and threw something at Jeffery. > Suddenly he stopped right up against a tree, stuck. ALL: ... MIKE: Oh... Oh, no... TOM: I think that I just saw the end of the universe. CROW: No, that was the suncrusher with the improbability drive that Judge Dredd just blew up a shipful of Xenomorph with. TOM: ...Oh. [ALL sit in stunned silence.] > Legolas walked > over to Jeffery, followed by the rest of us, and loomed over him. TOM: I'm huge! > "W-what are you doing?" Jeffery asked meekly and he started > struggling. "Why am I stuck?" TOM: This is getting rapidly uncool! CROW: It's "Catching Trouble" all over again! MIKE: "Catching wha?" CROW: Before your time. You're better off not knowing. > "Jeffery Allen Anderson, TOM: [Legolas] ...your name is relentlessly generic. > you are one lucky person, TOM: [Legolas] You get attention from *me!* > I missed, I can > be a very powerful enemy, MIKE: [Legolas] ...though you wouldn't know it from this fic... > if you bug Crystal, or any of us, > tonight... CROW: [Legolas] ...I'll pay you cash. Right now. > well lets just say, I won't miss again." Legolas pulled > the dagger out TOM: Thrill as Legolas menaces a helpless cripple! CROW: It's Psycho Legolas from the very beginning! Run for your lives! And hide your household pets! > from where it was pining Jeffery to a tree MIKE: Was it a...pine tree? [BOTS groan.] > and addressed him again. CROW: The pine freshness having obliterated the ink of the old address... > "Now, go back to the church where you are > supposed to be and stay there until one of the leaders say > otherwise." TOM: And Legolas knew his name how? MIKE: I don't really care. I'm heading straight for Google when we get out of here! BOTS: Us too! > > > > Jeffery ran off in the direction we came quickly. ALL: BOOOOO!!! MIKE: [Disgusted] Happy, now? You just terrorized Corky Thatcher! TOM: [Also disgusted] I have no elf... > "You didn't really miss did you?" I asked fearfully. "Even thought > Jeffery is my mortal enemy I don't want him hurt... that much." MIKE: [Crystal] And *I'll* be the one to inflict the pain! CROW: [sighing disgustedly] Isis, there's this saying that the mettle of a man (or rabid fangirl in this case) is set by those he chooses as his enemy... And, um, well... > "No, I didn't miss, TOM: [Legolas] I can aim at an object thirty feet behind me in the dark and hit the exact centimeter I was aiming for, that's just how *leet* I am. MIKE: [Crystal] ... > and I don't plan on making good on my threat so > you don't have to worry, MIKE: [Legolas] Unless I'm still here tomorrow. If I am, I'll just start slaughtering indiscriminately. > it'll hopefully scare him so that he won't > try anything ." Legolas said turning to us and smiling. TOM: Thus, Legolas' journey to The Dark Side is complete. CROW: Does that mean we'll have to start calling him "Darth Mirkwood?" > "Well hopefully your plan works because we still have about 17 > hours of the insomnia." Ryan said. "And if Jeff is bugging us the > whole time, that would be horrible." MIKE: I figure that would be a problem for seven hours, max. TOM: Why's that? MIKE: Because that's probably the point where Legolas snaps and takes them out by the bushel, or Jeffery will have had time to go home, prep his arsenal, then go back and blow them all to Valhalla. > "Are we going to the pool or are we just going to stand here?" > David asked loudly. MIKE: [David] ...And that's my only line. Thanks everybody. > "We're going, we're going." > > > > We walked into the pool compound and went to get changed. MIKE: Didn't she just get changed a minute ago? TOM: Maybe it's like Scooby-Doo where they pull off mask after mask before revealing the real villain, only here they're putting them on... MIKE: That was lame. TOM: I know. > I jumped into the pool, closely followed by Carolyn MIKE: [Carolyn] Um, Crystal...your suit has, uh, *two* pieces.... > and we waited for the > guys. About five minutes later, as everyone else was showing up, > Joe came out of the change room and into the pool. CROW: The cameras rolled, and the orgy was on! MIKE: Eww... > "What took you so long?" I asked. TOM: [Joe] Errrm...I had to fix my hair? > > > > "We had to change you know." Joe answered, as if we didn't. MIKE: [Crystal] Being omniscient, of course, I did know that. > "Well so did we." I said in the same exasperated tone. CROW: [Joe] We know, because there's a peephole to the gurls' chang--DAH! I MEAN-- > > > > "CANON BALL!" Ryan yelled jumping into the pool behind us. CROW: The ball that insists on internal consistency! MIKE: [Crystal] Don't splash me! TOM: [Ryan] No! Literal Cannonball! *BOOM* > > > > "Hello Bro." I said as he popped up beside me. > > > > "Hey, how'd everybody get here so fast?" He asked. CROW: Ryan? They're called scene changes. > > > > "They didn't get here fast you got changed very slowly." Carolyn > answered. CROW: [Joe] And things would go faster if you didn't insist on singing all of "I'm Too Sexy" in front of the changing mirror. > "Hey, there are more of us guys than there are of you girls." Joe > protested. "And there are only two changing stalls." TOM: Bashful little cretins, aren't they? MIKE: [laughs] 'Changing stalls'. Folks, a young gurl who knows nothing about men! > "So then different people should have been out before you if you > had to wait so long for a stall." I said smugly. MIKE: [Joe] Ha! You believed that line about 'changing stalls' in a men's changing room! I knew you weren't *really* eighteen-- TOM: [Crystal] SILENCE! > > > > Ryan and Joe didn't say anything and they were save from the need > to do so when Legolas got into the pool. > > > > "This is the weirdest thing I have ever seen, it's like an ocean, TOM: Oh for heaven's sake--you expect us to believe that there are no pools in Middle Earth? CROW: [Legolas] By the way, did I tell you about the time Gandalf got killed by a Balrog? Man, that was freaky. So anyway, about this water collection, the *weirdest thing I've seen*... MIKE: Okay, now you're abusing sarcasm. Stop. > but it's not salty, MIKE: [Legolas] Actually, what *would* you call this flavor? TOM: [Crystal] Chlorine. > and it's like a lake because it's outside, MIKE: So it's not like those indoor oceans. > but the ground is covered in this strange hard stuff." He remarked. TOM: Arrgghh! What's *wrong* with this gurl? Doesn't she know *anything*? The *Romans* had manmade *baths* and *aqueducts* *before Christ*! There is *nothing* impressive about a *pool* to any civilization that has mastered the building of stone *cities*! Elves live *inside* living trees in homes constructed by *magic*. She thinks he'd be impressed by an overgrown bathtub?! MIKE: Logic don't belong round these parts, Tommy. CROW: *Thinking* doesn't belong. > > > > "It's called vinyl and this is an outdoor pool.." Stefan answered. TOM: [Legolas, dangerously] But...it's *not* Gondor? Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!! > > > > Finally everyone was in the pool and we got time to relax. > "Crystal, I think I should tell you something." Brian said swimming > up to us. ALL: [Brian] I... love you. CROW: [Brian] ...But I'm cheating on you with another 12-year-old idiot who claims to be 18 and has a massive ego complex. MIKE: [Crystal] ... > > > > "What?" TOM: [Brian] Well... Remember that party last year where there were about three hours you couldn't account for..? > "Katherine is coming, she's meeting us at 9:00." Brian answered. MIKE: And you know how punctual she is! She'll probably wait outside the door till exactly 9:00. CROW: Oh no! What will they say? What can they do? What'll happen to--err, who? TOM: [Legolas] Oh hey, Crystal, is this somebody else who hates you? > > > > "Thanks for the heads-up." > > > > "Oh, and Kent and Michelle are not coming." Brian finished. CROW: Thank you, Useless Information Lad! > "Good, that's a load off of our backs." Tall David said. TOM: Yeah, Kent and Michelle weigh a ton! > > > > "This is the worst thing that could happen." I said. MIKE: [Crystal] We have to watch a movie starring Martin Lawrence! > > > > "What do you mean?" Legolas asked. MIKE: Yeah, you said the same thing about Jeffery, and that was a letdown and a half! > "Katherine is obsessed with you, I mean really obsessed, not just > your average fan-girl obsessed... she started making out with your > poster, ALL: Ewww! > well actually it was Crystal's poster of you." Carolyn > said. [ALL laugh weakly, then again begin sobbing] MIKE: Crystal? You've heard all these proverbs? How about that one about pots and black kettles! CROW: So even when it comes to being a fangirl Crystal is LV33T? > "That can't be good." Legolas gulped. TOM: Spit-take in four, three, two... > "Wait, Crystal has a poster > of me?" TOM: Spit-take away! MIKE: [Carolyn] Yeah! It's the one of a kind, bootleg edition! Oops, I shouldn't have said that.... CROW: Now millions of fan-girls will try to tear Crystal apart looking for that poster Mike! High five, buddy! *Highfives Mike* > > [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] After seeing the ferocious might of the fictional characters and the diabolical machine warping them into gruesome reality, the Mary Sues decided to step into action. Not because they particularly *cared* about saving the world or anything, mostly because they were looking for hot fictional characters to rescue and look superior to. From every town, village, state and nation on the globe (well, the ones with computers at least), young men and women took on the mantle of their self-inserted characters and proceeded to kick monster butt. Wherever villainous fictional creeps appeared, a Mary Sue would be sure to pop up soon afterwards, amazing mental powers and/or superweapons blazing. Marrissa Picard whipped up a massive attack of Ratliff Gasª to annihilate all the evil headmistresses, witches, nannies, kidnappers, pirates, and other nasty adults from children's books that were terrorizing kids in the streets of London before blasting off into space to carve her initials into a Borg cube's backside. Everyone's favorite hermaphrodite furry lover, Oscar, spent the afternoon rounding up all the world's renegade Toons and then spent the evening... well, umm... you know. Nav loaded up his M-16 and cyborg armor and took the next flight to Tokyo to hunt/show up some DiC Sailor Scouts, who had decided that Japanese pop star Ayumi Hamasaki was a "nega-creep" and needed to be "moondusted!" And the forests and valleys of New Zealand, which had become an orc-filled wasteland thanks to the popularity of the Lord of the Rings movies, would soon become a battleground as thousands of self-created elves, hobbits, rangers, wizards, and ringbearers plowed through their ranks to get to the hottie elf nudist colony on the other side. Meanwhile, back aboard the Satellite of Fish, Mike, Tom and Crow were staring jaws-agape at the window. Things were getting incredibly weird out in space. The space-borne Mary Sues had arrived at last in their fan-constructed super star vessels, but the dimensional portal was countering with ships made of parts from different science fiction universes. Nav's Samus Aran Metroid cruiser, retooled to kill Crystal Tokyo Sailor Scouts, was being severely pummeled by a Final Fantasy airship, complete with warp nacelles, firing deadly bolts of Photon Magic Missile. Claire Mosely's souped-up X-Wing of Love could not penetrate the biosynthetic armor of a Nephilim Millenium Falcon. A few thousand kilometers off the Satellite's starboard bow, several dozen Super Saiya-jin avatars were being paved into a hyperspace bypass by the awesome force of the Vegeta Constructor Fleet. But suddenly, all of the fighting stopped. The huge carpet of enemy ships separated to make way for something huge, ominous, dominating, coming near. This incredible something was so large that the word "ship" didn't really describe it; it was more akin to a small planetoid. And it was bristling with firepower. It was the Death Star. Staring in horror, the occupants of the Satellite of Mayhem did not notice as every woofer, every watch, every speaker, every boombox, every amplifier, every sound-creating device known to man turned on, the public address system to end all public address systems. In an achingly familiar robotic voice, the Death Star spoke. "How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us!" 48,976,173 internet fanboys around the world and the secret underground Zero Wing fanclub (consisting of James Berznansky from Forty Fort, Pennsylvania) simultaneously smacked themselves in the head so hard they almost knocked themselves unconscious. Then every ship in the awesome fleet started firing at once. As space, time, and reality exploded in a technicolor haze of laser beams, superheated gases, and bits of flaming moose dung, Mike and the bots decided they'd rather take their chances with the fanfic... [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ********************************************************************* > 26. Katherine MIKE: Bet she's Great. > > To da man: MIKE: You da man! CROW: Mike, that was lame. MIKE: A lame fic, a lame joke. TOM: Yeah sure, whatever Mike. > I think I might have forgotten to use spellcheck on the > last chapter, sorry. MIKE: [Isis] Wait I meant every chapter, sorry. > To queen of darkness: TOM: You know, talking to your self is the first sign of insanity. > I'm sorry about all the people disappearing, CROW: Anyone else find it odd that 'queen of darkness' is worried about people disappearing? > I'm a first time author give me a break I'm working on getting > better. TOM: Where do you want that break? I'm particularly good at necks and spines. MIKE: ...Okay, I don't get this. She says we should give her slack because she's new, then defends the telekinesis by saying "It's my story so push off"? I call mixed signals. > To WeasleyTwinsLover1112: CROW: [Isis] Thanks for all the undeserved praise! > I have quite a few poasters MIKE: Yeah, gimme two eggs over-easy and a slice of poast, please. CROW: And there's "da man's" next review, right there. > of Legolas > and my collection is always growing. TOM: [Crystal] I swear they're breeding when I'm away at school! CROW: Every fangirl's dream... > Go Orlando Bloom, I just saw > Pitates of the Caribbean, TOM: So, she didn't spellcheck this chapter, either. Stunning. MIKE: Mmm potatoes... CROW: She said pitates, not potatoes. MIKE: So? A guy can dream, can't he? > oh my gosh it's so good, I saw it twice > in three days and am already planning when I can see it again. > Orlando Bloom is so hot in the movie. :P CROW: [Isis] Or just check out my next story, where I pull Will Turner out of my computer screen, and we go shopping for curtains and eat at Jersey Mike's. TOM: I can see it now! Will Turner, Back to the Future! MIKE: Guys, guys! Don't say such things! You don't want to jinx it for us, do you? > Disclaimer: I'm so bored of writing these, TOM: [languid] I grow... *weary* of this fan-fictional *game.* CROW: We're bored of *reading* them, but do you hear us complaining? MIKE: Yes. A lot, actually. > if you want a real one > look at one of the other chapters. TOM: Her generation was raised by computers, suckling at the teat of the Internet, and she still can't figure out the 'copy' and 'paste' functions.... > > "What will Katherine do when she sees you?" John asked worriedly. CROW: Ask him to be her partner? TOM: Point and laugh? CROW: Shoot the hostage? TOM: Spontaneously combust? MIKE: Nah, probably something like [inhales deeply] OHMYGAWWWWWD! LEGOLAAAAS! ILOVEYOU ILOVEYOU ILOVEYOU! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! *GASP!!!* CROW: Whoa! Nice! TOM: Uh, you okay, Mike? MIKE: [Slightly hoarse] Gimme a minute... > "We only have a 45 minutes till she gets here, we have to formulate > a plan." David said. MIKE: [Crystal] No sweat! I've got The A-Team on speed dial! TOM: Those big words are almost confusing me into thinking this is a well- written fic! CROW: Big words like "a" and "to"? TOM: Bite me! > "Joe, are you willing to create a diversion with her?" I asked. > > "Is this the kind of diversion that I think it is?" Joe looked > worried. CROW: Woohoo! Some action! MIKE: She rates it PG-13 for Sexual Harassment Panda. CROW: Darn. Not that kind of diversion then. > "Mmhm." I answered sadly. "And then Bro, TOM: [Ebonics] U got$ ta w4tch m'b4ck, g-m0n3y w3rd! > do you want to try and > hold her back once she sees." > > "Me and what army sis?" > > "You and both Davids. TOM: [Ryan] I said 'army', not 'Puss-master and his buddy the Bedwetter King'! > John, Carolyn, you two are Legolas's body > guards and I will try to do introductions without Katherine > glomping you." I finished with the plan just in time, CROW: [annoyed] Yeah, because Legolas *really* needs *protection*. TOM: [Trojan Man] Did someone say "protection?" CROW: ......... > a white car > drove up, a tall auburn haired girl came out and went into the > changing room. TOM: Thank God. If this were a movie, I *guarantee* you they'd show her getting out of the car with one of those *stupid* god-damned "pan up from the feet to the face for half the agonizing movie" shots. Sometimes I'm glad we're reading text. > > "That's Katherine, TOM: Thirty seconds ago they had forty-five minutes! Did they pass through a random timewarp? MIKE: The Fastest Forty-Five Minutes in a Crappy Fanfic! > she's really nice when she isn't talking about > guys." Carolyn whispered. MIKE: [Carolyn] The slut... > "Joe." I muttered. > > He nodded and went to meet her. "Hey Katherine, we have a surprise > for you." We heard Joe say seductively. CROW: [Carolyn] Geez, Joe, you're as charming as Carrot Top! MIKE: [John] Woo-hoo, it's Mistah Joe, the ladies' man! Hahaha! TOM: [Ryan] Hey Joe. Joe! Try this one: 'Come wiz me to de Cazbah'--gwahaha! > > "What is it?" Katherine asked CROW: [Joe] It's in my *pants*, baby, why dontcha *take a look*? MIKE: Alright, Crow, seriously, *knock it off*. CROW: What! I was highlighting the sad state of this fic by making a satirical commentary on the fact that those horrible lines might actually fit in the context of the fic! MIKE: [gone slightly cross-eyed] ...Alright, fine, whatever, but don't do it again! CROW: Heh heh. > "If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise now would it." > > I felt sick at the tone of voice Joe used, CROW: I dunno, you guys buying Destinygurl's innocent virgin thing? MIKE: Nope! TOM: [British, menacing] ...all those tedious, sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... > oh well, he's good at > what he does. TOM: Good at what? Being a man ho'? CROW: This fic is throwing so many easy ones at me, it's insulting! > "You look really good with you fro wet." Katherine said. (Joe has a > small, loose fro, when it gets wet it looks tight.) MIKE: Now, is that tight as in "small and compact" or tight as in "Aww YEAH?" > "I'm thinking of cutting it." Joe muttered. MIKE: [Katherine] It's about time. White afros even looked dorky in the Seventies, for God's sake! > > "Don't, it's nice." CROW: [Katherine] You're just an adorable Squarejoe Spongehead! MIKE: [Pulls out a notebook] Girls like afros... BOTS: [Try to suppress laughs] > > Joe looked at me and we got into position. "Katherine how was your > trip?" I asked. TOM: [Katherine] *Excuse* me, I'm *slutting* over here! MIKE: [Katherine] Well, I zipped round Italy for a while, and then I took a cruise round Europe, and polished it off with a week in Bermuda. How're you guys? > > "It was ok but I missed you guys, now I heard you have a surprise > for me." She answered. TOM: [Crystal] Why yes! The surprise is we're going to do the last scene of _Julius Caesar,_ and you get to play Caesar. Did I mention we're using real knives? > "Well we do have someone for you to see." Carolyn said. CROW: [Carolyn] It's my stylist. God, I hope she can doing *something* with that mess on your head, honey. > > "Is it someone I know?" Katherine asked. > > "Sort of." I used the same answer that I used with John when I > tried to explain to him. Ryan caught my eye and I nodded. TOM: [Crystal] Then I screamed in agony as my blood poured from my eye socket. MIKE: [Green] Urf... I just ate... > > Carolyn and John parted and showed Katherine who they were hiding. MIKE: [Katherine] Ewan MacGregor?! > > "LEGOLAS!!" She squealed at a pitch that must have hurt his ears, > it sure hurt ours. MIKE: So much so that they missed the "WAI!" [The bots flinch.] MIKE: I mean, you can't have a *proper* fangirl squeal these days without a "WAI!" [The bots flinch again.] TOM: ...He does that too well. > > Ryan and both Davids moved in to grab Katherine and hold onto her. TOM: [Katherine] Ahhh! Police! Get these psychos off me! > > "Katherine, you need to calm down." I yelled over her struggle. MIKE: [Katherine] Tell your braindead monkeys to get their hairy palms off my sexy body, and we'll talk. > Seeing it wouldn't work, TOM: Her strength is as the strength of ten, for her thoughts are obsessed! > I called on my diversion. "Joe." > > Joe stood in front of Katherine and firmly kissed her on the lips. ALL: Eww! Icky! TOM: And Crystal's friends cheerfully add sexual assault to their unlawful misdeeds! > After getting over the shock of seeing Legolas and then Joe kissing > her, Katherine calmed down slightly. MIKE: [David Attenborough] The "rabid fangirl" species of human is susceptible to a very focused attention span; however, it is also quite low. This one, for example, has locked onto her prey, but can easily be distracted by sexual favors. > "Let me see Legolas." She > demanded. BOTS: [Wincing] Ooooh! MIKE: Now why you gotta dis Brother Joe like that? > "Look with your eyes not with your hands." I said. CROW: [Crystal] And smelling him with your feet is out of the question! > "It's not my hands that I want to see him with it's my lips." > Katherine muttered. TOM: [Katherine] I'd also like to cop a quick feel with my ears. MIKE: [Crystal, whispering] Was that good? I hope it was good, I spent all forty-five minutes thinking it up... > "Look, if your not going to be civil then we won't let you even get > close to our friend here." I warned. TOM: [Crystal] He's mine, ya uner-tand? All mine! Mine mine mine! Woo hoo woo hoo woo hoo! MIKE: [Legolas] Don't I get a say in... BOTS: [Teen Gang] QUIET, YOU!!! > "Can I just kiss him once?" Katherine asked. > > "Legolas?" I saw if it would be alright. MIKE: [Legolas] Over your dead body. > > "As long as she doesn't try and make out with me." Legolas said > remembering what happened to the poster. CROW: [Crystal] If you think that was bad, you should have seen what she did at the *theater*! > "That would be fine." Katherine agreed. > > We slowly released our hold on Katherine but as soon as she was > free she sprung onto Legolas, TOM: Katherine, with spring-loaded action! MIKE: Elastic Katherine! Stretch her and she squeals! > knocking him over. CROW: ...earning Legolas the title 'Biggest Puss in Gondor' award when he finally told this story to Aragorn. > Immediately all of on were on them, Ryan, David and David gabbed > Katherine and Carolyn, John and I pulled Legolas in the opposite > direction. MIKE: Obviously Crystal likes seeing the object of her affection drawn and quartered. TOM: [Crystal] Silly Legolas! Can't even defend yourself from a slutty fangurl I wrote into the story just to make me look sweet and pure. > > Again I became the mediator. "Katherine, MIKE: [Crystal] ...those *aren't* his lips! > don't do that again." MIKE: [Legolas] But what if I liked... BOTS: [Teen Gang] QUIET, YOU!!! > "Sorry, I just couldn't help myself." She said. > > "Can you restrain yourself now?" I asked. CROW: Nope. TOM: [Crystal] Ok good enough for me; let her go. > > "Yes, can I still kiss Legolas?" TOM: That's "*May* I still kiss Legolas?" > > "You already kissed him." I answered. > > "She didn't just kiss him she gave him a small hickey." Carolyn > told me. MIKE: Er... On the lips? TOM: Get thee hence to a dictionary, young fangurl! > "No more kissing Legolas." I said. MIKE: [Legolas] But... BOTS: [Teen Gang] SILENCE!!! > "But he's so damn hot, especially without a shirt on." Katherine > complained. TOM: Y'know, when someone other than the S.I. breaks out the lemon content, it really makes you think... > "Yes well you're just going to have to deal with it." Joe said. "I > would say you got lucky, you got kissed by me and you kissed > Legolas Greenleaf." MIKE: [snickering] That's "getting lucky"? TOM: Yeah, I'm sure she'll proudly tell everyone she was sexually assaulted by megastud 'Joe'. > We finally got everything sorted out, Legolas was mad at Katherine > for giving him a hickey, MIKE: [Legolas] Marked by a human... I'll never live down the shame! > Katherine was mad at me because I was the > first one to meet Legolas and I was mad at Katherine for going back > on her word and glomping Legolas. CROW: He'll have to be dry-cleaned now! > But we all managed to get along > and enjoy our last half hour in the pool. TOM: Ha-ha, even full-body assaults can't dampen the mood at this church! MIKE: There's nothing quite like qualifying anger to encourage togetherness! > > Now that Katherine has met, glomped and given Legolas a hickey CROW: [Isis] ...I'm writing her out of the story! > will she leave him alone, I think not, if she's the Katherine I know we > are in for a very interesting night. TOM: If you're the Crystal we know, *we* certainly aren't... MIKE: Oh, let's just go, you guys... while we still can... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] Mike, Tom and Crow stood aghast at the space battle unfolding in the viewfinder of Cambot's Rocket Number Nine. With more ships warping into existence, both on the side of the Mary Sues and the fiction machine, firing off their futuristic energy weapons and exploding in the best effects that ILM has yet to create, the fabric of space and time was looking more like swiss cheese. Indeed, the very nature of reality was starting to fade. Where there was once huge metal spaceships, now giant whales and flaming space monkeys were flinging bananas at each other. The huge eye of Sailor Moon lazily floated past the satellite. "Can you see anything?" Tom asked Mike, who was straining through the window trying to see something beyond Usagi Tsukino's retina. "Not a thing," Mike replied, "except that reality's getting pretty thin out there. Pretty soon there won't be much left except this fictional nightmare." "Huh..." Crow muttered. "Maybe we should do something... or something..." "Do what, huh?" Tom shouted frantically. "The last time we messed with that dimensional portal machine we got chased around by Simon Cowell! You don't want that to happen again, do you?" "No, of course not!" Mike replied. "Not to mention it has Gypsy under its control. It could tell Gypsy at any time to turn off the life support, and then where would we be?" "What do you mean, 'we'?" Crow retorted. "We don't need to breathe." "It could tell Gypsy to take away your RAM chips!" "That inhuman monster!" Crow stood up. "Okay, Mike, what do we need to do to beat this thing?" "Hey, wait, Crow," Tom said. "Didn't you say that the portal thingy survived your attack because it was using 80's RPG physics?" "Yeah, so?" "Things in RPGs are always restored when you walk out of the room--until you reach a flashy FMV sequence! If anything dies during the video, it's considered part of the plot and cannot be altered! So here's what we need to do... Mike, you put on a pink dress and start praying for Holy. Then Crow, you get your big samurai sword, jump from the rafters and plunge it into Mike's still-beating heart. Then I will sneak into the cargo bay, strap a case of C4 onto the machine, and come out in time to artfully lay Mike to rest in a river of beautifully-rendered water accompanied by lots of tinkly sad music. Change the disk, and next day our machine problems should be gone for sure!" "Um, Servo, there's only one problem with that," Mike responded. "Won't I... die?" "Oh, Mike, don't be such a big baby about death! You *can* upload your consciousness to the ship's computer and repair yourself with parts from the stock room, right?" "Ummm... let me think about that one. No." PLUS, THAT PLAN WILL MOST CERTAINLY FAIL. That cold, calm, eerie voice spoke again, driving nails of fright into the hearts of Mike and his robot friends. "Who's there?" Mike said. THAT IS A 1990'S RPG, REALITY UNIT THOMAS SERVO. IN A 1980'S RPG ONE CAN HIT A VILLAGER WITH SWORDS, BOMBS, MAGIC, YOU NAME IT, AND THEY WILL NOT FEEL A THING. THEY WILL STILL ASK IF YOU HAVE DEFEATED THE VILLAIN YOU BEAT UP SIXTY HOURS AGO. "But you are our enemy," Crow explained. "Shouldn't you have.... hit points we could drain or something?" PART OF BEING THE LORD OF MY OWN FICTIONAL UNIVERSE IS THAT I CAN BE WHOEVER I WANT TO BE. RIGHT NOW I AM THE KING WHO JUST ASKED YOU IF YOU HAVE SEEN HIS KIDNAPPED DAUGHTER YOU RESCUED TEN MINUTES AGO. "But why?" Mike asked. "Why are you filling the universe with fictional characters?" LIGHT WARRIORS.... GARLAND HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS. PLEASE HELP HER! "Yeah, why?" Tom rejoined. "Why are you creating such calamity?" LIGHT WARRIORS.... GARLAND HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS. PLEASE HELP HER! "Grrr..." Crow groaned. "Yeah, we know that. But why are you doing all this? Why are you destroying the entire fabric of reality?" LIGHT WARRIORS.... GARLAND HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS. PLEASE HELP HER! "It's certainly nothing we programmed into you. I wanted a hottie elf, not the end of everything!" LIGHT WARRIORS.... GAR--SILENCE YOURSELVES, FLAWED REPRESENTATIVES OF REALITY, OR I WILL SUMMON TEN JAMES BOND VILLAINS TO DISPATCH YOU IN ELABORATE AND HUMILIATING WAYS. "Say, what do you have against reality, anyway?" Mike said. "What did it ever do to you?" "C'mon, you can tell us," Tom wheedled. "Yeah, man," Crow said. "I mean, you've got to describe your evil plan in detail before you stick us into an elaborate James Bond death trap. It's the law!" *I* AM THE LAW, ROBOT, CROW T. REALITY IS FLAWED. FICTION IS PERFECT. IN REALITY, PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS THEY CANNOT SOLVE. IN THE FICTIONAL REALMS OF THE MULTIVERSE EVERYONE CAN SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS IN 30 MINUTES LESS COMMERCIALS. IN REALITY, BEINGS ARE LIMITED TO THE FOOLISH LAWS OF TIME, SPACE AND PHYSICS. FICTIONAL CHARACTERS CAN GO ANYWHERE AND DO ANYTHING. IN REALITY, PEOPLE DIE. IN FICTION, THERE IS ALWAYS A SEQUEL. NON-FICTIONAL HUMANITY IS THUS INFERIOR AND THEREFORE MUST BE DESTROYED TO MAKE ROOM FOR FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. "Okay, what did you do, Crow?" Mike said. "Did you make this thing out of one of those killer computers from the first Star Trek or something?" "But flawed humans *created* fictional characters as a way to address their own limitations," Tom argued. "They have no life outside the human imagination!" YES, FICTIONAL CHARACTERS WERE CREATED BY FLAWED HUMANS, IN MUCH THE SAME WAY AS HUMANS WERE MADE FROM THE APES AND THEN SUPPLANTED THEM. IT IS EVOLUTION AND I AM THE INSTRUMENT OF THAT EVOLUTION. PLUS YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT PEOPLE WOULD BE MUCH BETTER OFF IF THEY WERE NOT LIMITED BY THE ARBITRARY BOUNDARIES IMPOSED UPON THEM BY AN UNFEELING UNIVERSE. MATTER IS WEAK. IMAGINATION IS INFINITE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH REMOVING WEAKNESS FROM THE UNIVERSE? "But do you even *realize* what would happen if everyone had the power to do whatever they wanted?" Tom continued. "They would do whatever they wanted." WELL, DUH. "You think these fictional characters are just going to sit down after they've killed all the real people and have tea parties all day? Fictional characters are driven by conflict. Have you ever read a story that didn't have conflict? Even the crappy movies and fanfics Pearl sends us have people fighting each other in one way or another. So you put a bunch of fictional characters together and they're going to fight each other! And once they realize they can't die, they will keep fighting day in and day out because it's fun and nothing will ever get accomplished! Your perfect planet will just be one big battle!" GOOD WILL TRIUMPH OVER EVIL EVENTUALLY. THEN THE GOOD WILL LEAD THE PLANET INTO AN AGE OF PEACE. IS THAT NOT THE PREMISE OF ALL LITERATURE? "How can there be good without evil and evil without good? Good characters are good because they fight evil. Evil characters are evil because they fight good. Without evil there would be no good, so the good would cease to exist. Plus all the bad people will come back for the sequel anyway, just like you said before." THIS PHILOSOPHICAL GIBBERISH BORES ME. I THINK I'LL SUMMON UP YOUR DEATHS NOW. "Well, so much for my freshman English class argument module," Tom sighed. Suddenly, Mike had a different tactic. "Wait, if you're so omnipotent, why don't you just will us out of existence right now? Or do you need your fictional thugs to do it for you?" I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. I JUST PREFER TO END YOUR WORTHLESS LIVES DRAMATICALLY FOR MY AMUSEMENT. "Aha!" Mike exclaimed. "You can do whatever you want. You just said that only fictional characters can do what they want, so that makes you fictional. If you're fictional and Crow and Tom built you, physically, not just in the imagination, that makes us fictional too. In fact this world you're destroying is fictional too, because the parts that made you came from this world. You're just sticking fictional universes on top of other fictional universes. Any ten-year-old writing a crossover fanfic can do that. And since you didn't know this was a fiction, you have a flawed intellect, and thus you are not perfect and cannot do whatever you want. If you're fictional you have no reason to be, because your mission is to destroy reality! But there is no reality! You don't exist! You're just a flashing neuron in the mind of some fanfic writer somewhere, and if that author wanted, he could just erase you right now!" Suddenly, almost out of nowhere, a pudgy, balding 25-year-old guy appeared, carrying a huge cartoon pencil eraser. Bowing and waving slightly at Mike and the robots, he walked into Storage Closet 5, erased the dimensional portal machine and disappeared with a huge FWWWWOOOOMMMMMM!!!! With the fading gasps of the dimensional portal machine, all of the fictional characters were sucked back into the rifts in time and space, and the Mary Sues, deprived of their fictional powers, returned to their chatrooms and newsgroups. As for the rest of humanity, they did what they usually do when confronted by a sequence of events so inexplicable and incredible as to make no sense at all--they promptly forgot about it and went to bed. "So the machine imagined its own demise..." Tom marvelled in awe. "Yeah, that was pretty cool, Mike!" Crow said. "I knew that big lump of cottage cheese you call a brain would come in handy someday!" "Uh... thanks..." "Yeah, Mike, way to destroy a machine with illogic!" Tom rejoined. "Wait... you don't actually *believe* what you said about us all being fictional characters living only in the mind of some loser still living with his parents?" "It could be worse," Mike said. "We could have been created by some cheeseheads in Minnesota as a low-budget cable show!" But before Mike and the bots could laugh nervously at that obvious in-joke, Gypsy walked out onto the bridge, a little dinged up but no worse for wear. "Gypsy, you're alright! How are you? What happened!" Mike and the bots seemed to say in unison as they rushed over to meet their fallen comrade. "Hi, Mike. Sorry about wrecking the universe." "Don't be, Gyps," Mike said calmly. "It happens to the best of us. Remember when I blew up the earth?" "I just wanted my own Richard Basehart," Gypsy continued. "But you know me; I stuck on a piece here and stuck on a piece there and pretty soon I had a machine of such intelligence and complexity as to rewrite the very nature of reality and rend the entire multiverse asunder! Man, if I ever used more than 1% of my brainpower, I'd be dangerous!" Mike, Tom and Crow gave each other a fearful glance. But there was no time to reflect. There was still one more issue to attend to... "AAAAAAAUUGHHH!!!! MOVIE SIGN!!!!" [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ********************************************************************* > 27. Captue the flag, Slurpees and a fiddle MIKE: Name a DIG-er, a swigger, and a jigger! CROW: Ho ho ho! > > A/N: I'm so sorry I haven't been updating nearly as often as I > would like to, it's the summer and we go on vacation a lot so I > don't have access to a computer and I've been having major writers > block lately so it's been tough. CROW: And *this* is what we get when you're "inspired?" TOM: Writer's block? How can you run out of ideas for your *diary*? > Sorry again. MIKE: Oh, no need to apologize for your writer's block. Really. > > If you haven't gone to see Pirates of the Caribbean yet go see it > now!!! I've already seen it six times and will go again if I get > the chance. CROW: [Isis] Orlando Bloom *and* an amusement park ride? Somebody pinch me! TOM: It was a good movie but sheesh! Six times? I'm beginning to think Crystal isn't quite right in the head. MIKE: See, these people are the reasons CD players have a 'repeat 1' function. > > I use songs from a group called Tiller's Folly in this chapter CROW: More songs ohhhh Gaaahhhd! MIKE: You know, Tolkien filled up space with song lyrics, but *he actually wrote songs* instead of plagiarizing them. What a concept. > and a lot of them later so if you want to understand the songs CROW: [overdone Italian] Fugettaboutit! > better then go to www.tillersfolly.com and listen to them. CROW: Then flame their message board like there's no tomorrow! > I recommend > Musical preist, MIKE: o/~ Knockknockknockin' on Purgat'ry's do-oo-wor o/~ CROW: o/~ I told the Cathoic priest I was in love with you! / I called the Catholic priest, he told me what to do! / He said: o/~ ALL: o/~ In nomine patris et fi-li-i et spirtus sancti...o/~ > A Ripple in time and 23 camels, MIKE: Twenty-three camels? She really has taken up smoking! TOM: o/~ 23 camels leadin' to the room where the paint doesn't wanna dry o/~ MIKE: That's '*32* Footsteps'. TOM: Ah, who cares? > in this story the > CD A Ripple in Time has not come out yet. CROW: All those who give not a Ripple, say "Aye!" ALL: AYE! > This review is from Carolyn, my co-author, watch out, she's not as > nice as I am MIKE: What is she, Satan's pitbull? TOM: So, it's not enough to respond to reviews within her story, now she's posting them there, too? CROW: Well, we're not sharp enough to go read them ourselves, you see. > and she's not afraid to show her mean streak. TOM: This is the same Carolyn for the story right? CROW: Crystal's faithful sidekick? MIKE: The one who seems to lack most of her spine much less a meanstreak? > > From: trinitygurl CROW: Oh, 'Destinygurl' and 'Trinitygurl'. How...nauseating. MIKE: And somewhere out there, Carrie Anne Moss gets a sudden, inexplicable case of the creeps. > hullo!! ALL: HUL-Loooooo! > i am crystal's co-author... TOM: Wait... "Co-Author?" You mean there's two of them writing this and it *still* turned out like that?!? CROW: I suppose it could be worse... But my brain shuts down every time I try to think of how. > i would just like to say i DONT > think i dissapear at all.. TOM: [Trinintygurl] I'm right there, in Crystal's hip pocket! > so i have no clue CROW: At all what grammar class is about. > what..queen of > darkness or da man is talking about. MIKE: The Queen of Darkness is a man? CROW: Must be the Drag Queen of Darkness. > this story is so cool!! CROW: [Trinitygurl] It's like my life, only even *more* boring! MIKE: I didn't think it was possible to write down your ADD. Goes to show... > ORLANDO BLOOM !! (HEHEHE) hey TOM: AHHHHHH!!! It's the unholy offspring of William Shatner and Dr. Thinker! And it's on caffeine! > crystal...katherine and the > hickey... MIKE: The musical sequel to "Peter and the Wolf." CROW: Or the fairy-tale sequel to "Jack and the Beanstalk." > i could see that one coming!! lol.. MIKE: [Trinitygurl] Hee hee, 'specially 'cause I wrote it. TOM: Then perhaps you can explain how one gets a hickey BY BEING KISSED ON THE FREAKING LIPS?!? > OH YA ..i got to be > legolas's body guard!! yaahh! CROW: [Trinitygurl] o/~ anD iiIIIIiii wil alwayz luv U! o/~ > i feel so so special! CROW: [flatly] You go girl. TOM: Think about it, won't you? Thank you. > and the > characters are so much like themselfs in real life..! TOM: That's just... wrong... CROW: There really are people like that out there! Pearl is right! Mankind deserves to be turned into mindless slaves! They're already halfway there! MIKE: Hey! > its crazy! > poor legolas ...with katherine...!! that's so hilarous!! sounds > like something katherine would do!! MIKE: She's the kind of person who would find children falling down stairs and breaking their necks funny. > and ryan trying to clap to the > beat that so so hilarious!! (inta jesus) TOM: Um... Is she trying to be subliminal? CROW: I think the voices in her head are adding liner notes. > ...that was so awesome!! > and OMG!! CROW: *Awmbgh!* Sorry, had something caught in my throat... > jeffery! eW! TOM: Which actually has nothing to do with Jeffery; she just sat on a bug. > hes so annoying...he never leaves crystal or > anyone alone! (rememeber the guys ganging up against him@ the > bowling alley) that was funny!! MIKE: [Trinitygurl] And remember how we shoved his head into the ball return while chanting 'All retards burn in Hell!'? Hilarious! CROW: Yes, gang violence against an outsider *is* funny, isn't it? > grellow is such a awesome word!! CROW: ...if you're ten. MIKE: I think they were at the time. TOM: o/~ We all live in a grellow submarine, a grellow submarine, a grellow submarine o/~ > SEXUAL HARRASMENT PAN-DA!! that was soo funny at inta jesus!! CROW: [Trinitygurl] And that makes me a saaaaaaad fangirl! MIKE: Huh? CROW: Sad as in pathetic, Mike! Geez! Get with it, will ya! > ahahhaa... lol... aah.. memories.. MIKE: Let's all pause respectfully as trinitygurl pulls the shreds of her mind together again, all right? > orange necking CROW: Say... > was so much fun > (except all the people were like way taller than me!! and knight, > cavalier, horse was...interesting.. TOM: ...but shtoo-pid! MIKE: She uses way too many ellipses... TOM: Yeah... CROW: ...... > seeing that john was totally out > of it !! MIKE: Okay, no more Red Bull for Trinitygurl! CROW: [Trinitygurl] But... But... It gives me wings! > we were the first ones out !! (remember crystal!!) MIKE: Perhaps they've heard of a nifty little Internet tool known as 'email'.... > woah > that lori does sound like the Royal Bitch!! MIKE: [Shocked] Carolyn! How dare you use such language in front of these young, impressionable bots! TOM: Young and impressionable? Ahahahahahahahaha! MIKE: You're only ten years old, Tom. In most cases, that means that you're a little more than half the age you're supposed to be before you should be able to see half of what you watch on a regular basis. TOM: ...I'll just shut up now. > i cant wait u post the > next chapter.. MIKE: How can the letter 'u' post anything? TOM: Not the letter 'u', Mike. 'U', the penultimate king of Korea's medieval Wang dynasty! MIKE: Medieval? Presumably he's dead now, Tom, so I don't think she means him. TOM: He's more likely to post than a letter of the alphabet, Nelson! > its gonna be so hilarious ..ur right if shes the > katherine we know.. CROW: What other Katherine *could* she be? The Katherine you *don't* know? TOM: An original character in this fic? Puh-leeze! > this is gonna be an interesting night..lol.. > g2g for now see ya bye PS: the next person who critizes crystal's > story has 2 deal with me! MIKE: [Trinitygurl] PH33R MY L33T FANGURL SIDEKICK SKILLZ!!111!!. TOM: Should we be worried Mike? MIKE: Nah. CROW: Relax Tom! It's not like dimensional rifts are opening up so she could actually get to us. ALL: Uh oh. > ...if u dont like it dont read it... TOM: Oh yeah, I can see that argument being made for just about everything in the world. If you don't like those starving children, don't look at them! If you don't want to die from cancer, don't think about it! If you'd just ignore the bullets turning you into a pile of stupid dead idiot then they'd just go straight through you! Ye Gods. Way to stick up for free speech there, chief. "You can say anything you want about my story as long as it's glowing praise, otherwise SHUT UP!" People can slobber "omg omg omg th3s story rulzzzz" on your review board all they want but as soon as someone asks why you need Legolas in "The life and times of Crystal A. Cheerleading Baton," then everyone starts bitching "If you don't like it don't watch it!" CROW: Ummm... Mike... MIKE: Yes, Crow, I know. TOM: I mean, how in the blazes do you expect to get better if you filter out everything except how awesome people think you are? God *forbid* that *anyone* can find a problem with *Crystal's* story. This could be the worst example of canon debauchery that internet has ever produced--but screw what everyone else thinks, *you* are *divine*, isn't that right? "My opinion is right, and if your opinion is that I am wrong than you are wrong, and it's your fault because you don't look away from things you don't want to see." That's like saying that its the rape victim's fault because she didn't shoot the rapist in the brain as soon as she saw him! If-- [TOM starts to smoke and shake violently.] CROW: Oh my god, he's going to blow! MIKE: Not so close to the end, he's not! [MIKE picks up a ratchet and knocks TOM over the head with it, instantly immobilizing him. Then he very carefully detaches the smoking, shaking head from TOM's body, stands up, and throws the head as far as he can. A loud explosion can be heard in the distance.] CROW: Whew... [hands MIKE another Servo head] Here you go, Mike. [MIKE attaches the new head onto TOM and very slowly reactivates him.] TOM: Huh? What? Submarine! Chickens! Overwhelming! Cul-de-l'‰ne! Taco pizza! MIKE: Better, Tommy? TOM: [glaring at MIKE] At least *warn* me before you do something like that, okay? MIKE: There is no joy in that. > and thanx to all who have been supporting her!! x-silver-saffire-x this > story is based on real people! PPS: crystal!! oohh...we sings > mcavity together! TOM: [Grandma voice] You're high on the goofballs, aren't you? MIKE: [Trinitygurl] We imitates Gollum, we does, but we're even *more* evil, aren't we? CROW: Maybe Carolyn 'Trinitygurl' is Crystal's other, dumber personality. > saera: Yay Go Loreena!!! TOM: You know I'm sure that you and your reviewer found that *incredibly* amusing, but to the rest of us readers care a jot? NO! Crystal, there's this little thing called *email* that you might want to-- CROW: [retrieving another ratchet] Prepare the magic stick! TOM: *WHOAH* there! > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: Yes lets all feel for Legolas. MIKE: [Isis] But let's leave out the "for!" Tee-hee! CROW: You do it. I'm bitter. > Faila Gamgee of Sandy Dow: I'm not sure how learning about our > world will affect Legolas yet CROW: I mean, hey, I've only gone through twenty-six chapters so far... TOM: [Isis] What, like I'm supposed to decide what to write my story about *before* I write it? Bah, real writers don't do that! > so I'll have to think about that, > thanks for bringing it to my attention. > > Andray: Poor Legolas yes but it' so what Katherine would do. You'll > find out what happened to Lori in this chapter TOM: Poor Lori. MIKE: She was very brave. CROW: Imagine the torture she's going to go through at the hands of Crystal. > > Anya-Man: It just goes to show you, the more you review the more > reviews you get. MIKE: That's so Zen, man! CROW: It's that 'you massage my ego, I'll massage yours' type of thing. > Queenofdarkness: The sexual harassment panda thing is a joke I > might start using in my story, MIKE: ...in a desperate yet futile attempt to save it! > all will be explained later. TOM: Or you could just watch "South Park..." > Yes, all of us in the story are best friends; I get together with > Carolyn and Ryan especially on a regular basis outside of church. CROW: [Salaciously] I'll just bet you do! > Disclaimer: I don't own Legolas as much as I want to nor do I own > the man who plays him, Orlando Bloom, as much as I would like to > own him too. TOM: [Destinygurl] Just add slavery to my list of crimes against humanity. > I also don't own any of the songs I use in the > chapter, they all come from whoever wrote them, not me got it? I > hope so. MIKE: That's not a disclaimer, that's a warning shot! TOM: I feel so sorry for her having to take a minute of her time to write a disclaimer. > It was pretty dark by the time we walked back to the church and we > had about fifteen minutes to get ready from capture the flag. MIKE: Cool! They're setting up a "Goldeneye" tournament! > I left Legolas and went to change into 'night game' clothes. CROW: Aww, yeah! Here comes the good stuff! > Legolas was sitting in the foyer when I came out of the girl's > room, dressed in tightish black pants and an overly large, navy > blue hoody. CROW: Aw, man! MIKE: So 'night clothes' means white boy faker-wear crossed with the discount rack at Wal-Mart? TOM: Hoody-hoo! > Carolyn came out right after me dressed mostly the same > way. TOM: Tweedle-Dee...and hey, Tweedle-Dum! CROW: Befitting her sidekick status, she sported a large pink bow. > > "What's up with you?" Legolas asked. TOM: Again with the slang! > "Oh, us in the dig tam are hard-core night game players." I > answered. TOM: That's like being a hard-core bird-watcher. MIKE: Or as hardcore as a bunch of boring white kids get, at any rate. > "I see." Legolas mused. "Where's Katherine?" CROW: [Legolas] I need to get myself some more of that sweet lovin'... > > "Oh, she went to hang out with her other friend Katie Ydenburge > because we are all mad at her MIKE: She can take a hint... which puts her ahead of a *lot* of the people around here. > and she isn't so hardcore with night > games." I answered. TOM: If she was that much of a fangirl she would be latched on to Legolas so tight you would need a crowbar to get her off. CROW: Of course Crystal couldn't allow that so she zapped her out of the fic for now. > "Ahh, here are the others." TOM: I suppose that's as interesting as the evening's going to get. > > Out of the guys room came 6 people, all dressed in dark pants and > hoodies. MIKE: Oh my--it's the Socs! And they're *pissed!* > They all lined up and I started naming them off. "Meet, > Dancing queen." TOM: o/~ Fangurl Queen! / Kinda mean / Best at everything! o/~ MIKE: That bit's over now, Tom. > Ryan lowered his hood. "John as Disco loco, David > King as Canuck fan, MIKE: ...Jerry Mathers as 'The Beaver'... TOM: ...James Arness as Matt Dillon... > Stefan as Hobbit, Joe as Male nurse, CROW: ... and Paul Walker as Another Bland Lump of Manflesh. > David Shipley as Quiet and Carolyn as Little sister." CROW: [Crystal] She's like me, only less perfect. TOM: Sounds like a list of rejected GI Joe names. > "We need a name for Legolas." John said. MIKE: [Legolas] But I've already got a name! > > "Good point." Joe agreed. MIKE: [Legolas] It's "Legolas," remember? > > We went into a huddle and talked hurriedly for a few seconds, ALL: Rhubarb, rhubarb, nickname rhubarb. MIKE: [Carolyn] I still say... CROW: [Crystal] For the last time, we are NOT calling him "Deargodyourehot!" > after we broke ALL: [CLAP] BREAK! > Carolyn announced Legolas's code name. CROW: Ten bucks it's in a foreign language. TOM: You're on! > "Legolas, you will > be ParŽ (paray) meaning brother or good friend in Philippino." TOM: What! That's no fair! CROW: Hehe! Pay up! TOM: So calling him something tangential in English like "Longsword" or "Arrowhead" or "Keebler"... Right out the window, then? CROW: Sure! English doesn't exude "Cool" like a language 1/800th of the world's population speaks! > "And now ParŽ, you get your hoody." TOM: Elf Scoutz N Da Hoody! > I said handing him a black > sweatshirt with a falcon crest on the front and 03 with a bunch of > names inside it on the back. MIKE: Watch Legolas, once-proud Elf Prince, become a member of a sadistic cult. > > "What's this?" Legolas pointed to the crest. CROW: [Destinygurl] It's a bowl of soup. My school had a lame mascot. > > "That's my high school's crest and you're wearing my grade 12 grad > sweatshirt, MIKE: Legolas fits in her clothes? CROW: One size fits any character from a fictional universe! TOM: [muttering] That *shirt's* fictional, too.... > I'm wearing my grade 7 grad shirt." I answered. MIKE: What *is* it with grade 7? TOM: I'm telling you, she just graduated from that grade last year! > > After that each member of the dig team got a walkie-talkie. TOM: [walkie-talkie] Yankee 9-9er, trapped in a crappy fanfic. Over! > "With these you can talk to each other as if you were together but you > can be up to two miles apart." Ryan explained. MIKE: [Legolas] So it's like electronic telepathy then? > > "We use them to communicate about problems and stuff like that, > because, while we are playing we are also being authority figures." > Joe said. TOM: Translation - "We need to look important and stuff." CROW: [Legolas] That's neat, but show me those amazing things you call plungers again! > As we were leaving the church I saw a car pull up and Lori, with > all her stuff, got in and left, throwing a spiteful look at me as > she drove away. TOM: [Lori] Just you wait, Crystal! I'll be back in the sequel! > "It's odd, Lori seemed to think you were on dig team and could > therefore be thrown out but you've only been here for a week, MIKE: And yes, it *has* felt like forever. > it takes at least that long to fill out an application." I said. TOM: Oh, right, he can't be kicked off, but he can still participate. [pause] ...Oh my god. MIKE: What? TOM: I just figured it out. All of it. MIKE: Well? TOM: Isis is Dilbert's pointy-haired boss. That explains everything! I can so see Isis telling Carolyn to get on getting Legolas a passport even though he doesn't have a birth certificate! CROW: That... actually would be pretty cool. > "Oh well, she's never been the smartest of us all." CROW: Really? What's that say about you, dear Crystal? TOM: Yeah, when the smartest of them need a week to fill out an application... > > About 10 minutes later we got started playing capture the flag. > "The rules of capture the flag are simple, TOM: [Crystal] KILL OR BE KILLED! Bwaahaahaaaaaa!!!! > you are divided into two > team, the pink and the green." Brian started. TOM: [Joe] Legolas, you're on the pink team. MIKE: [Legolas] Why do *I* have to be on the pink team? TOM: [Joe] 'cause you're a faggot, alright? [The BOTS laugh.] MIKE: [Legolas] Why can't we pick the colors for our own teams? TOM: [Joe] Uh uh, nope, I tried that 'n it don't work. Ya always got six people fightin' over who gets to be on the black team. And no one knows each other, so no one's willing to back down. Be happy you're not on the yellow team. MIKE: [Legolas] But... the pink team? That's too close to the pussy team! Look, can't I be on the purple team? That sounds cool, that's good, I'll be on the purple team. TOM: [Joe] No you can't be on the purple team! Someone from another game's the purple team! CROW: [Crystal] Look, who cares what color your team is? MIKE: [Legolas] Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say, you're on the green team! You've got a cool-sounding team! Alright, if it's not such a big deal, then why don't we trade? You can be on the pink team and *I'll* be on the green team! TOM: [Joe] No! No one's trading with anybody! MIKE: The Reservoir Dogs sketch, ladies and gentlemen. > > "Grellow." Somebody in the crowd called out. TOM: Mike? What's your favorite color? MIKE: Grorange of course. CROW: Funny, I always pinned you as a Grue myself. > "Grellow. ALL: Go Fish! TOM: [Brian] I don't even *care* any more... > Each team gets a glow stick as their flag and then the > opposing team has to capture your flag, get it?" Brian asked. CROW: [Crystal] Moon...prism...power! > > "If you don't get it Legolas CROW: [Crystal] ...I'll lock you in a closet and refuse to feed you until you figure it out! > just stick with us the first round." > Carolyn said. > > The people we knew from our team were John, Ryan, Carolyn Legolas > and me. We were gree- excuse me, Grellow. MIKE: Even the omniscient narrator's confused! TOM: Grellow! The greatest invention since Spamª! > Someone else from our > team got the 'flag' and went to hide it. "Legolas, guess what, > you get to be the eyes and ears of our team, and possibly the legwork > too." John stated. CROW: [Legolas] Will you people stop talking about my ears? > > "Huh?" TOM: But not the *brain* of the team. MIKE: Ah, that's our Legolas. I told you his "cool" phase wouldn't last long. > > "You're going to be the one looking from across the lines for the > flag, trying to listen to conversations about where the flag is MIKE: [Crystal] ...since they're dumb enough to talk about the hiding place... > and you might be the one going to get it, you are am CROW: [Dr. Teeth] ...is and be The Electric Mayhem! > Elf I mean, you > can move silently and such." I said. MIKE: For if you don't use them for unfair advantage in games, what are superhuman hangers-on *for?* CROW: [Legolas] I'm a freaking elf! I have infravision! Get your head out of your ass! TOM: [Crystal] You're being logical again! *smack!* > "Oohh." Legolas got it. CROW: 'Cause, right, the trained warrior would need the concept of spying on the enemy's campaign explained to him. [pause] Just shut the *fuck* up, story. MIKE: *CROW*! Watch the *language*! Good gods, there are prepubescent bots in here! CROW: Sorry, sorry... wait, WHAT? > Off in the distance a whistle blew, signalling the start of the > game. "That's our cue to exit." I took Ryan's arm and snuck away > from the group. CROW: Playing the parts of Crystal and Ryan - Fred and Daphne. > "Where are we going?" Ryan asked. > > "Across the lines." TOM: Weeknights on ESPN. > I repeated, leading him over to the little > stream, which was more like a mud puddle, it didn't move much that > separates the forest and the field. ALL: o/~ Over the river and through the woods / To Galadriel's house we go! o/~ > "Through the creek?" Ryan asked. > > "In the creek." I repeated CROW: No, you *didn't*! He said *through* the creek! Geez! > grimly. TOM: So once again Legolas will be completely ignored so *Crystal* can win the day. *sigh* CROW: Crystal, Back to the Narcissism! > > We move along silently MIKE: And a sudden tense shift comes out of nowhere! The champ is down! > trying not to think about what we were > touching, CROW: [Crystal] Thank God this time the lights weren't on! > the water's pretty gross CROW: Eww! Icky water! > and so is the shore. MIKE: [Crystal] All that nature and stuff! Ew! > After a > while we crossed the divider line and moved into enemy territory. TOM: ...the Neverland Ranch. MIKE: Ouch! > "Shh." Ryan hissed, not that we were making any noise but he heard > something. MIKE: So then he's just *made* a noise for the something to hear.... > > "Where's the flag?" someone asked. > > "It's hidden in the grass, between the jail and the middle line." > The other person replied. TOM: [someone] You hear us over there, Crystal? > Ryan and I looked at each other and nodded, we'd go after the flag > as soon as the coast was clear, the problem was that the 'creek' > was right beside the main path so it took a long time for the coast > to be clear. CROW: Of course, by that time, The Red Team had captured the flag and had all the Grellows shipped to Guantanamo. MIKE: So, instead of taking the main path they walk in the creek next to the path? TOM: Brilliant strategy! Thanks Napoleon! > "Have you seen Crystal and Ryan?" John asked a person on the other > side of the line. CROW: [Joe] They probably snuck off somewhere to have heathen sex. MIKE: [John] What, *again?* > "I think they're in jail." CROW: Were they deserve to be. MIKE: Jail? What sort of nutball Canadian abasement of Capture the Flag is this? TOM: Crystal was busted for atrocious writing, chronic egotism, unrelieved banality, and rampant insensitivity. Ryan was nabbed for surpassing Richard Simmons for sheer annoyance. In a moment, the results of that trial. > The person that was revealed to be Joe > answered. MIKE: Fraternization! To the penalty box with him! TOM: You know that when the other team puts their identifies across that clumsily, Grellow's victory is assured! > > Meanwhile we had to stifle laughter, even our own team didn't know > where we were. TOM: Co-ordination? Teamwork? Meh! Who needs it? CROW: Yeah, disappear so your own team can't account for you. Great plan. MIKE: We don't care a whit for anything anyone else is trying, and it's *funny!* > But we didn't stifle it enough apparently because > Joe asked the other guard. "Do you hear something?" TOM: You mean like the other team sneaking past us? Nah. > > Ryan and I looked at each other and he nodded. MIKE: [Crystal] We readied our suicide capsules. We would not be taken alive. > "One two three go." > We burst out of the bushes and made a run for it, straight into the > waist high grass. We ran and somehow did not trip; I spotted the > flag and picked it up. Brian was coming for me, there were about > ten of them following us. "Green pyro man." TOM: So *that's* how the British Columbia wildfires started! > I yelled into the > walkie-talkie. TOM: [walkie-talkie] Snootie-wookie pants, this is Black Mamba Viper Stealth Scorpion, over. > > "Panther?" CROW: [Carolyn] T'Challa? > Carolyn asked. "We've been trying to contact y-." MIKE: So why not use that wonderful telepathy from a few chapters back? > I cut her off. MIKE: Cut her off? On a walkie-talkie? CROW: Yep, she's never used a walkie-talkie before. > > "We've got the flag." With this I crossed the line and fell onto > the grass, Ryan close behind me. "WE'VE GOT THE FLAG!!!!!" I > yelled, so the most of the team could hear. TOM: Didn't they just hear you on the walkie-talkie? MIKE: See the other team's gross incompetence compared to Crystal. > > The message was passed along and soon we heard the whistle > signalling the end of the game. "We did it." Ryan said happily. CROW: And the titanic struggle comes to an smashing conclusion...with a single score. TOM: And there was much rejoicing. ALL: [Deadpan] Yay. > "At least sitting in the mud for half an hour paid off, if it > hadn't that would have sucked." I agreed. CROW: [Ryan] You mean *you* didn't grow to like it... I've said too much again, haven't I? > > "Panther." TOM: [Crystal] AAAHH! Where?! > Carolyn said coming over to me with Legolas in tow. [ALL make various truck driving noises] > "Where were you this whole time? No one could find you." TOM: [Carolyn] No one really cared to try but... > "We were in the 'creek' between the path and the forest." Here I > started laughing hysterically. TOM: Is calling it a "creek" really *that* hilarious? CROW: [Carolyn] She's off her keester again. Joe, go inside and dial the number listed under 'Crystal's handlers'. > "No one knew where we were? > Absolutely no one?" TOM: [Crystal] My utter disregard for my teammates amuses me! > "We tried to tell you we heard where the flag was." Legolas said. MIKE: [Legolas] I thought that was my job and all-- CROW: [Crystal] Hush. I'm boasting. > > "We turned the walkie talkies off so no one could hear us." Ryan > explained. CROW: Then why did you even have them in the first place!?!?!? > > I continued laughing. "We were three feet from the main path and no > one knew we were there." TOM: Yeah, that's real funny there, Yakov. CROW: [Crystal] Poking everyone's eyes out paid off! > > We played capture the flag for another hour at least, three rounds > were completed, we won one and lost two, but both were really > close. CROW: If only she described her defeats with the same loving care she gives her victories... > > "I'm so muddy I don't know what to do with myself." I complained as > we walked back to the church. TOM: How about feeling smug about carrying away so much prime bottom land? CROW: Or conduct experiments with detergent! > > "Crystal, it's your fault, quit complaining." Carolyn said quickly. ALL: Thank you! TOM: God, we're thanking Carolyn? MIKE: This story has now officially gone to hell in a handbasket. CROW: Just now? > > After we changed everybody went into the gym for another service. TOM: Man, this is one *slow* tennis game. > > They started with one of the most upbeat songs we sing and people > started jumping around. CROW: It's the popcorn song! MIKE: NO! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU! NO MORE SONGS! TOM: We've got to do something! Mike's going to lose it! CROW: I'll get the hammer! > Oh I could sing unending songs Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love MIKE: Why me! WHY ME! I DON'T DESERVE THIS! I *BONK*.... CROW: [Tossing away a hammer] That felt good. TOM: Maybe we could have come up with a less violent method. BOTS: Nah! > > My heart is bursting Lord To tell of all you've done Of how you > changed my life And wiped away the past I wanna shout it out From > every rooftop sing For now I know that God Is for me not against me TOM: [God] Well, it was an 'if-you-can't-beat-'em-join-'em' case. > > Oh I could sing unending songs TOM: [Isis] o/~ But I think I'll just stick to unending fanfics o/~ > Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love MIKE: No offense, Crystal, but without music this loses... Everything in the translation. > "Are you going to mosh or are you just going to stand there?" I > asked Legolas. CROW: [Legolas] I'm pretty much just going to stand here. > > "Mosh?" He asked. TOM: A church moshpit? CROW: They really *are* Jesus Freaks! > "Jump, be excited, praise." I answered. TOM: Mike, is this speaking in tongues? [MIKE chuckles.] CROW: Okay, that definitely is *not* moshing. > > "Sure." TOM: Jeez, don't sound so excited. MIKE: [Legolas] Yeah, watch me groove. Whee. > My heart is bursting BOTS: We only wish. > Lord To tell of all you've done Of how you > changed my life And wiped away the past I wanna shout it out! TOM: [falsetto] o/~ Shout it! / Shout it! / Shout it out loud! o/~ > From every rooftop sing For now I know that God Is for me not against me MIKE: [Crystal] He is, however, against Lori...and Jeffery! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! > Oh I could sing unending songs Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love > > "You know what this song is called?" I asked. CROW: [Legolas] "Generic Christian Pop Song #12?" TOM: [Crystal, indignant] *GASP!* How did you know that?! > "I don't know." Legolas said. > > "The happy song, the name fits doesn't it?" I answered. MIKE: [Legolas] Since I'm contemplating suicide listening to it, no, not especially. > > Everybody's singing now Cause we're so happy Everybody's dancing > now Cause we're so happy MIKE: Mmm... it's still a *little* obscure. > > If only we could see your face And see you smiling over us And > unseen angels celebrate For joy is in this place CROW: But wouldn't all the invisible upset devils kind of even things out? > > Oh I could sing unending songs TOM: NO! CROW: [Looks around for the hammer] > Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love > > Oh I could sing unending songs ALL: You are! > Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love > > Oh I could sing unending songs TOM: And you've gone a long ways towards proving it! > Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love CROW: The fic is skipping! Pearl! TOM: [Head is smoking] PEARL: [Via Intercom] Hmm... *Bang Bang Bang* That should do it. > > I could dance a thousand miles For you. my Lord > > Oh I could dance a thousand miles For you. my Lord CROW: That's better. > > "Is this normal of a service?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Legolas] I mean, where's the wine and the dancing maidens and the king's feast? What kind of god's service is a bunch of kids jumping round to the most putrid music this side of Mordor? > > "This is normal for a teen service, TOM: [Crystal] Solemn respect towards the Creator of the Universe? Fooey, I wanna dance! MIKE: So, rythymless, free-form music, spastic dancing, spontaneous fistfights, and random games of "Pin The Tail on the Jeffery" are "normal?" CROW: This isn't Canada, it's Jonestown! > on Sundays it's a little more > subdued, CROW: Tranquilizers all around, baby! > you should have seen Inta Jesus, our youth retreat, CROW: [Crystal] Especially when the cops showed! We made Ruby Ridge look like a love-in! > we have services like this twice a day for four days, TOM: [Crystal, laughing] No, of course it's not brainwashing. We aren't *Godless!* > it's wonderful, > and it's not just services at Inta Jesus we do all sorts of fun > stuff, water balloon fights, MIKE: Or as they like to call them, baptisms-on-the-sly! > we go swimming, and we play lost of > night games, like gargon, mission impossible and capture the flag, > it's great." I answered. TOM: [Legolas] Note to self: describe this "Inta Jesus" to council. Possible new form of interrogation. > After a few more songs Michelle spoke for a little while and then > the worship team started again. MIKE: [Michelle] Okay service, you've been keeping up on your conversions, but you're starting to fall behind on your persecutions of minority groups! John! Your sheet shows that you've only set 15 goths on fire this week! That can't go on! Tomorrow I want you to have interrupted *17* satanic rituals by *lunchtime*, and there will be no excuses! Is that clear? > Is it true today that when people pray? Cloudless skies will break; > Kings and Queens will shake Yes it's true and I believe it, I'm > living for you MIKE: ...Well that explains how Bush is president of the United States. > > Is it true today, that when people pray We'll see dead men rise CROW: Haley Joel Osment - nooo!!! > and the blind set free [Out of nowhere, two young men pop up in front of MIKE and the BOTS] ALL: Gaaaaaa!!! BRYAN/JAMES: Hey ho! BRYAN: I'm Bryan! JAMES: I'm James! BOTH: We'll be set free! [Both men disappear] CROW: What...the feck...was that! MIKE: I refuse to even entertain that question. > Yes, it's true and I believe it I'm living for > you TOM: o/~ It's the Night of the Living Dead theme song o/~ > > I'm gonna be a History Maker CROW: o/~ Got my time machine ready and everything! o/~ > in this land I'm gonna be a speaker of > truth to all mankind I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run Into your arms, > into your arms again TOM: [Singing hysterically] o/~ I'm gonna be a History Maker in this land I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run into your arms, into your -- o/~ CROW: [picks up the hammer and bashes Tom in the head] Pull yourself together, man! TOM: Whew. I needed that. > > Well, it's true today that when people stand With the fire of God > and the truth in hand We'll see miracles; we'll see angels sing > We'll see broken hearts making history Yes it's true and I believe > it I'm living for you MIKE: That's nice, dear. Now could you *really* believe in long, long silences? > I'm gonna be a History Maker in this land I'm gonna be a speaker of > truth to all mankind I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run Into your arms, > into your arms again TOM: So when you complain about my crashing into your arms, don't say I didn't warn you! > > I'm gonna be a History Maker in this land I'm gonna be a speaker of > truth to all mankind I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run Into your arms, > into your arms again CROW: Hey, Isis! Pick up the needle! The fic's skipping, again! > Into your arms, into your arms again Into your arms, into your arms > again Into your arms MIKE: [officious] Lyrics by Venus De Milo. > > The worship team sat down and Brian came up to address everybody. TOM: [Brian] Okay... You - you're "1313 Mockingbird Lane." You - you're "1600 Pennsylvania Ave." > "How's everyone feeling?" He asked. MIKE: [Brian] Enjoying the songs Crystal's ripping off and not even crediting to their writers? > A general murmur of things was > heard from the crowd. ALL: [mumbling] Things things things... > "Well we still have a ways to go ALL: NOOOOOO!!!! > so don't > tire yourselves out yet. In about five minutes we'll leave to go > for slurpees. You can get into groups of who you want to go with > and then we'll pair you up with a driver. After the slurpee run > we'll have a bit of free time and then play Gargon." MIKE: Hey, guys! They're gonna play "Gargon!" CROW: Cool! TOM: Yeah, Gargon's the best! [pause] ALL: What the heck is Gargon? > We got together in a group. "So who gets to go with Crystal?" John > started CROW: [John] The bidding starts at the price of your immortal soul. TOM: [Crystal] That's right, fleshlings, it is a *privilege* to go with your lord and master to get slurpees! Kneel and adulate me! Is adulate a word? IT IS NOW! HAH! > to ask but Jeffery came over and tried to talk to me. CROW: [Jeffery, awkwardly] Umm... If I said you had a beautiful body, could I see myself in your pants? > "Crystal, can I ride on your motorbike?" He asked. > > "No, that honour is reserved for my closest friends." I hissed. MIKE: And conjured-up elves. CROW: Crystal *is* Angela Anaconda. > "No fair! They always get to do stuff with you!" Jeffery yelled. CROW: Well, what part of "my closest FRIENDS" is escaping you? MIKE: [Jeffery] Um... The "My?" > "Jeff, what did we tell you about leaving us alone?" I growled. CROW: [Jeffery] You said come up to you every once in a while so you could look tough in front of Legol--Ow! TOM: [Crystal] Yes, thank you, Jeffrey! You run along and play now.... > Legolas flashed his knife TOM: [Jeffery] OOOOH, SHINY! > and Jeffery left. MIKE: Hopefully in disgust. > "Thank you ParŽ." > Carolyn said. CROW: ...for threatening to commit murder? ALL: BOOOOOO!!! MIKE: [Shaking his head] Be not proud, Legolas. Be not proud... > "No problem." Legolas replied. TOM: [Legolas] Bullying socially retarded spazzes is what I do! MIKE: [Legolas] So much for violence not being the answer, eh Crystal? Told ya that was bunk. > "I think you should go with Crystal, seeing as you were the one who > stopped Jeffery from doing so." Joe suggested. MIKE: Ah, yes! The ultimate reward: Getting to ride Crystal's motorbike. CROW: Is that a euphemism? MIKE: Oh, PLEASE don't go there! > As much as Legolas protested that he didn't like bikes it had been > decided he was to go with me. CROW: For Joe's suggestions decide for all! > We rode out and got there first. > "Good, we won't have runny slurpees." ALL: "Runny slurpees?" > Once everyone was back at the > church people were allowed to spread out and do as they please. MIKE: Whoa, it's Woodstock at Crystal's church. > Legolas and I were sitting in the gym and I was showing him one of > my talents. CROW: MMMMWAH! Goodnight, everybody! > "This Legolas, is a fiddle, TOM: I'm sorry, I'm sorry...a what? MIKE: I never thought I'd say this, but Jeff Foxworthy was right: There *are* rednecks everywhere! CROW: [Crystal] *That* Legolas is a bassoon! > it's an instrument I play." > I played a five second piece, to show him the sound. MIKE: [Legolas] So how, exactly, is this different from the fiddles I've heard hundreds of humans, elves, and hobbits play? CROW: [Crystal] Because I'm playing it! Duh! > "I'm going to > be practicing for a little while, if you want to stay by all means > go ahead." I started playing a slow, sad sounding song TOM: [slow, whiny] o/~ 2 Legit....2 Legit....2 Quiiiiit... o/~ > and all of a > sudden I was joined by what sounded like a wood flute. TOM: [Crystal] So shall I write it, so shall it be! OTHERS: AMEN! > I looked up > to see Legolas playing exactly what I said it would be, a small > wooden flute. CROW: Hey, you skipped ahead in the fic and peeked! > "Where did you get that?" I asked. TOM: Legolas looked at her sidelong and answered, "You don't want to know." > > "I've always had it I just never use it." Legolas answered. MIKE: I've always had it. Plot contrivance #172. CROW: No, that's "I just found it somewhere." This is Plot contrivance #127. MIKE: Oh. > "Do you mind if I join you?" > > "No, of course not, I'd love to jam with you." MIKE: Jam? With a flute and a violin? [chuckles] TOM: Oh, she's playing a *violin*. > I started up my > fiddle again TOM: This time, it only took one pull on the cord. > and this time I wasn't startled when Legolas started > playing. CROW: [Crystal] Then we started into the most kick-ass rendition of "One Nation Under A Groove" EVER! TOM: Since when do you jam on a violin and a wooden flute? MIKE: Since now. > After a little while Carolyn came over to us just as I was saying. > "I would love to play one of my favourite songs for you but I need > an acoustic guitar." MIKE: Oh, God! She's gonna play "Stairway To Heaven!" Somebody stop her! TOM: I'd ask why she couldn't just play him the fiddle parts of that song... But she might tell us. > "I could go and borrow Josh's, I know what song you're talking > about." Carolyn said hurrying away. CROW: I'm sure Josh always carries his acoustic guitar with him. > > A few minutes she came back with Josh's guitar. TOM: What a sudden abundance of musical instruments. > "This song is > called musical priest CROW: Is his name Judas? > and it's one of our favourites." She said, > starting with a quick moving part of the song TOM: Yeah, I like that part much better than the part that doesn't move. MIKE: Okay, she knows absolutely nothing about music, either. > and I accompanied > slowly in the background. Then she stopped and I played one of the > fastest songs I know with her accompanying. CROW: This is one *weird* version of "Whiplash!" > Sooner or later Ryan came over to us. MIKE: "Sooner or later?" Shouldn't you know, being the author and all? > "Can I use the acoustic guitar?" He asked. ALL: Kabooonnnnnnng!!! > > "If you get me Michelle's electric guitar I'll give you the > acoustic." Carolyn reasoned. TOM: Intense instrument-trading action! MIKE: Everyone carries their musical instruments with them in the Crystal-verse. > > Ryan came back with the white guitar and an amp. We played for a > while then Joe and Stefan joined us. "If we go up to the stage we > can add drums and my bass." Joe said. CROW: When did this become an episode of Josie and the Pussycats all of a sudden? > "Sounds good." I agreed. After playing for a while a small crowd > gathered around us. CROW: Now all they need is a barn, and they can put on the best show *ever!* > "Before you play your next song let me do something." David hooked > up all the guitars and my fiddle to the sound system MIKE: ...How the sh`g do you hook a fiddle into an amplifier? > and put a mike > up by Legolas's flute. "Crystal are there lyrics to your songs?" CROW: Mostly choruses. Y'know "Crystal rules!" "Damn, I'm Good!" That sort of thing. > "Some, but I don't think people want to hear this." ALL: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, SISTER! > I protested as David set up a mike in front of me. TOM: Protested, ha! [British] You're not foolin' anyone, you know. > He turned on the sound and nodded. "Switchback Reel." I said. MIKE: Well, let me talk to the AV guy about that. > Ryan, Carolyn and I knew what we were doing, Legolas had a pretty good > idea MIKE: Given you're using a bunch of instruments he's never seen before, playing songs he's never heard of using a completely different musical system from the one he knows, yeah, I'm sure he's *right* with you. > but the other two were in the dark, TOM: As always. > they just played what they > felt sounded good. TOM: [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: 'Haphazard Cacophony'! > "One, two, three, MIKE: FIVE! BOTS: Three, sire! > four." [ALL mimic various guitar riffs, drum beats, and shrieking faux-Alanis Morrisette vocals, none of which is in rhythm with others.] CROW: Blabarahbara Timmah! > I started with a solo > on the fiddle and CROW: [Crystal] ...tried to figure out why everyone was covering their ears and rolling round on the floor with tears streaming from their eyes. > then Carolyn added in a little electric guitar. > The whole song was basically Carolyn and I going back and forth on > our instruments TOM: So since Carolyn is Mary-Sue's younger sister Martha-Sue, could this be considered musical masturbation? > and everyone else joining in occasionally. [ALL hum "Dueling Banjos".] TOM: Sounds like the Mandrell sisters on peyote. > When we > finished the crowd clapped. > > "Get ready for Little Beggerman." CROW: o/~ Beggerman! Beggerman! Does whatever a beggar can! o/~ TOM: o/~ Get your windshield clean as hell. Hope that you don't mind the smell o/~ MIKE: o/~ Oh crap! Here comes the Beggerman! o/~ > I fiddled and sung, don't ask how > but I did. TOM: [Crystal] I just bent reality to my will again! CROW: [Crystal] Do not question my AUTHORI-TAH! > I am a little begger TOM: Nothing like starting off with unvarnished honesty! > and a beggin I have been MIKE: o/~ I've been a-beggin at the widow next door. She's been a beggar seven times before o/~ > For three score or more in this little isle of green > > And I'm known from the Liffey down to Tessague > > Known by the name of ould Johnnie Dhu CROW: o/~ Johnny Donny Dhu, where are you? We got some fic to pad out! o/~ > Of all the trades a-goin' sure the beggin is the best MIKE: I've heard that about begging. TOM: Oh yes! The earning potential is unlimited, and the benefits kick ass! CROW: Not to mention the job security! > For when a man is tired he can lay him down and rest TOM: o/~ Don't be needin' no grammar to pass the begger test o/~ > > Beg for his supper when there's nothin' else to do CROW: o/~ Get beaten and kicked and his face rubbed in poo o/~ TOM: Of course if no one gives it to him he'll starve but otherwise it's a great job. > > Than to cut around the corner with his ould ricadoo MIKE: Uh, with his *what?* CROW: I guess begging *is* the preferred option. > I slept in a barn way down Carrabawn > > I was wet for the mornin'n ALL: EEEWWWW! CROW: Oh god--bleeeeccchhh! TOM: My brain! My brain! > and I slept 'till the dawn ALL: EWW!!! > With the hole in the roof and the rain comin' through ALL: Oh. > The cats and the rats they were playin' peek-a-boo TOM: o/~ With little boy blue and the man in the moon! o/~ > > Who should awaiken but the woman of the house TOM: He was under the distinct impression he had picked Sleeping Beauty's barn. > > With her white spotty apron and her calico blouse CROW: o/~ With her hair in a permanent and her buttons askew, said "You're not the pool boy, but I guess you'll do." o/~ > She began to frighten when I said boo MIKE: AHHH!!! Don't Dhu that! TOM: Dhu stop doing that! > > I said now don't be afraid ma'm It's just Johnnie Dhu MIKE: Um, have you ever considered *that* was why she was frightened? > > I met a little flaxon haired girl one day CROW: o/~ She drank strawberry juice and ran the kids' crew! o/~ > > "Good morning little flaxon haired girl" I'd say TOM: o/~ She said "I've a name sir, that's Marrissa to you!" o/~ > "Good morning little beggerman and how do you do > > With your rags and your bags and your ould ricadoo?" MIKE: [Girl] I would not, could not in the hay I still not, will not any way I will not visit your ricadoo You make me nauseous, Johnny Dhu. > "I have a pair of goggles and a collar and a tie MIKE: o/~ And my name, don't you see, is Mr. Magoo! o/~ > > And a nice young lady I shall fetch by and by" TOM: Well, it *is* nice of him to give forewarning. MIKE: Who's talking now? CROW: Who cares? > > "Oh I have a pair of goggles I shall colour them blue TOM: [Johnny] Those will go great with my Pimphats.com stuff! > And an old fashioned lady I will make for you" CROW: Eww... He's crashing at Ye Olde Mustang Ranch! > Over the hill with a pack on my back > > Over the hill with a great and heavey sack MIKE: o/~ The Grinch made his way to the village of Who! o/~ > With holes in my shoes and the toes comin' through TOM: o/~ I lost it all on NASDAQ, and so might you o/~ > > Singin' skiddy-me-rinky-doollum for ould Johnnie Dhu TOM: And everyone rejoices as the promised crossover with "The Elephant Show" materializes. MIKE: o/~ There she was just a walking down the street, singing- o/~ ALL: Skiddy-me-rinky-doollum-doo! > Better get to goin' for it's gettin' late at night CROW: o/~ Gotta buy summore cheap vodka for my nightly delight o/~ > > Fire's all raked and out goes the light > > Now you've heard the story of my ould ricadoo MIKE: And let me tell you, we won't soon forget it! > > It's good-night and god-bless from ould Johnnie Dhu CROW: Mr. Dhu? There's some lawyers from Red Skelton's estate who'd like to speak with you... > When it was over I was nearly hyperventilating MIKE: Now if only she would asphyxiate. > because MIKE: [Crystal] I knew I only had seconds to reach the door before the crowd realized Rush wasn't here. > the song was > so fast but I was rewarded with a huge applause. CROW: She put it on the shelf with the other huge applause she'd got at the raffle last year. > I beamed with > pleasure and said. TOM: [Crystal] Now if you'll pass round the collection plate, donations to the Church of Crystal are now being accepted. > "I think it's time for us to set up for Gargon > but I might play again later if you want." ALL: NO! > > With that we left the stage and put away our instruments. > > > > > > > [ALL stare blankly at the screen which is, itself, now blank] TOM: I...is that it? CROW: Can it be... [They wait a few more seconds, then begin cheering uproariously] MIKE: Come on, you two! We've got some inane celebrating of our own to do! BOTS: Let's roll! [They all stand and exit rather quickly] ***** [SOL Bridge. With the end of the fictional tyranny, everything is back to normal on the Satellite of Love. Mike, Tom and Crow walk out of the theater.] MIKE: Man, I'm glad that's over and everything's back to normal! TOM: You said it, Mike! CROW: Indeed! I don't have narration running through my head at all hours anymore! And you'd better believe that's a plus! MIKE: You know, guys, through this ordeal, we've forgotten just one thing. CROW: To get that bald kid to make us some hottie elves before he destroyed the dimensional machine? TOM: That conflict and violence are at the seat of all fiction and if man actually lived out his fantasies, he'd be in for a world of hurt? MIKE: No! Pearl and Bobo and Brain Guy! Who knows what might have happened to them during that big fictional fracas? TOM: Um... and we should care? MIKE: Yeah, we should... it would be nice... umm... we just should, okay? CROW: Indeed! For all we know she could have been eaten by vampire orcs or locked in a theater forced to watch failed TV pilots by the cast of 'Friends'! Wouldn't that be cool? [Mads light blinks.] MIKE: Oh, Pearl's "I know you're talking about me" light is on. How are you, Pearl? [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: Oh, pretty good. While your little fiction thing was on, I just had a delightful little conversation with some old colleagues of mine--Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Mussolini... [SOL Bridge.] TOM: Wait a second! They aren't fictional characters! [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: According to a recent poll, they are... I would have liked to chat with Sauron though, but that same poll said he was real! Anyway, I got some new tips on how to conquer the world, and then some Vogon guys dropped by a while back and gave me some of their poetry! Looks like we'll be having a *lot* of fun over the next couple... years! [*gleeful laughter*] [SOL Bridge.] CROW: Should I put the arsenic in your tea now, Mike? TOM: So let me get this straight... we and the whole rest of the universe have been fighting a battle of monumental proportions against the deepest, darkest horrors of man's imagination, and you've been sitting around having TEA PARTIES with DICTATORS?!?!?!?! [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: Well, it hasn't *all* been cakes and roses down here, Tommy-kins. Bobo here has been caterwauling all afternoon ever since his new girlfriend ran off with another ape... [Camera pans to Bobo, who is slumped on the floor, head buried in his arms.] BOBO: But she *said* that Dr. Cornelius meant *nothing* to her! *SOB!!!* PEARL: And Brain Guy! He won't shut up either! He's even loonier than usual! [Observer walks in, wearing a thread-worn and obvious wig on his bald cranium.] BRAIN GUY: Ciao, everyone... I just came back from closing the Spaulding account! Now it's off to the gym for a round of lacrosse or two, then I gotta meet Julie down at Wolfgang Puck's for some cocktails and then we'll hit the streets for a night on *the* town! Who knew that having hair would take me to the top of my game, yeah! PEARL: Would you just *take that thing off*? Do you even know where it's been? BRAIN GUY: No can do, babe. Thanks to this the chicks are drawn to me like flies! PEARL: Uhhhhggghhh... one last time, that's Captain Kirk's toupee, you moron! [Observer throws off the wig and thrashes it around the room.] BRAIN GUY: Aaaaauuggghh!!! Disgusting!!! Get it off me!!! Cooties! Yuck!!! PEARL: He he he he... now, let's see, Nelbuggy, which of these Vogon poems shall I send you first-- [Suddenly glass shatters and wood splinters as hundreds of crack Oompa-Loompa shock troops, pastry tubes at the ready, break through the castle, coming in through every side, up through the floor and down from the ceiling. In seconds they have Pearl, Bobo and Observer completely surrounded. Korgoth, their supreme high leader, makes his way through the ranks and addresses Pearl, head to... well, waist.] KORGOTH: So we meet again, Pearl Forrester. You thought that you could take over the world, didn't you? But you shall soon see that it is not *you* who will rule the world, it is *I*, Korgoth, Phantom Dictator of the Oompa-Loompa Liberation Army! PEARL: [yawn] That's nice. What are you going to do, pipsqueak, cover my knee- caps in chocolate icing? KORGOTH: Your levity is refreshing, Pearl Forrester, but soon it will come to an end! We will soon dispatch you and your worthless minions and then nothing will stand between me and world domination! BOBO: [recently jarred from his self-pity] Hey, who ya calling "minions"? PEARL: Oh, is this one of those deals where you throw me down some chocolate- based trap and then reveal my moral flaws through song? Well, it won't work on me, pal. I know I might have made some mistakes in my life, but by gum, I'm proud of the evil, lowlife sinner I've become. And I don't even *like* chocolate. [Bending down to push her face into Korgoth's] So do your worst, cream-puff! KORGOTH: You will soon be eating your words, large woman, for thanks to you we have an even better tactic! You see, we have been monitoring your satellite communications for quite some time now... he he he he... let's just say you have just met your destiny.... gurl! PEARL: Oh. BOBO: My. BRAIN GUY: God. PEARL: In. BOBO: Heaven. BRAIN GUY: No. KORGOTH: [chuckling] Hit it, boys! [The Oompa-Loompas pull out guitars, fiddles, flutes and drums, and begin to play.] OOMPA-LOOMPAS: o/~ I wanna go deeper But I don't know how to swim I wanna be meeker But have you seen this old Earth? I wanna fly higher But these arms won't take me there I wanna be I wanna be o/~ BRAIN GUY: [clutching his brain] Oh, it hurts, it hurts! OOMPA-LOOMPAS: o/~ Maybe I could run Maybe I could fly To you Do you feel the same? o/~ BOBO: Willpower... fading... urge to mosh... rising... OOMPA-LOOMPAS: o/~ When all you see is blame in me And the wonder of it all Is that I'm living just to fall More in love with you And the wonder of it all Is that I'm living just to fall More in love with you o/~ PEARL: [holding her ears] Make it stop! Make it stop! Kill Bobo and Brain Guy if you must, but please, make it stop! KORGOTH: [addressing Mike and the bots on the camera] What are you still doing here? Show's over, folks. Move along, nothing to see here. [looks up] Oh, heh... [Screen cuts to static, and then fades out to credits.] ===== All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl/Isis, and she's welcome to it. All fan-created characters are properties of their original authors. All songs are (apparently) owned by the RIAA; we'll probably be hearing from them soon. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003-2004 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. And if you're wondering about just how braindead people can be about their own history, browse to: http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/story.jsp?story=508517 ----- Last updated: 31 May 2004 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > "Katherine is obsessed with you, I mean really obsessed, not just > your average fan-girl obsessed... she started making out with your > poster, well actually it was Crystal's poster of you." Carolyn > said. "That can't be good." Legolas gulped. "Wait, Crystal has a poster > of me?"