Thought you might want another FF7 story MiSTing. Here's "Shin-ra's Revenge?" By Cloud and Cait Sith. It's so utterly crude you'd be surprised it's not a lemon. R. Jak The Mystery Science Theater 3000 concept & related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc., whereas the figures are copyright of Blizzard, Square, Working Designs, and some other Japanese people. Final Fantasy VII is copyrighted by SquareSoft This Story copyright of Cloud and Cait Sith (and they could have it...) If there is anyone we do not insult during this session, our apologies. (1--2--3--4--5--6) (Aboard the ship Mojo, we come across Garland and Dekar listening to a language tape.) Tape: Ghotyaneimess Vrahoon Itamien. Dekar: Uh...I would like to see a menu. Tape: I would wish to see a menu. (Dekar marks something in a book.) Tape: Qona Ve Dunia Hassenfluffie. Garland: Wait...uh...Direct me to the restroom. Tape: Please direct me to the restroom. Garland: Well, I was close. Dekar: I'll give you a half point for that. (marks it) (Adol comes around.) Adol: Hello, faithful readers, and welcome to the Satellite of Mojo. It's been a slow day around here, and there isn't much to do since Aldaris and the gang hasn't found a real bad fanfiction for us yet. Tape: Ikwola Zivadfer Kalabib Liotech. Dekar: I would like to buy one of your muffins. Tape: I would like to buy one of your muffins. Garland: (growls) That was lucky. Adol: Yes, before I forget. To relieve our boredom, the Protoss sent us some language tapes to keep us occupied. So far, Garland and Dekar have been keeping score on how linguistic they are. So far, Garland leads in Esperanto 54 to 40, Dekar leads in Afrikaans 50 to 44, and currently, they're gridlocked in the Kilombabwe dialect of the Korhal desert district. Tape: Mekabungo Xalve Bunbun. Garland: Oh, this is easy. A pox on your family and your firstborn cattle. Tape: A pox on your family and your firstborn cattle. Garland: Woo-hah! Dekar: Pretty good, Garland. Garland: I win that one. (takes out a few tapes) You want to try French, Wutaian, Japanese, or Chocobo? (Adol hits light) ___________________________________________________________________ Yes, it's //TRK: Professional\\ ! Another one o' them MiSTing things. Written by R. Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com) Episode 101: Oh no! Sephiroth Fights in Cream Corn! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (back to the Mojo) Tape: Wark waaaark! Wark wark wark! Dekar: Okay...it's... Tape: I would like to have some of those Viran Greens. Dekar: What? Garland: My turn. Tape: Wark wark W-wark! Garland: Feed me some Kuko nuts. Tape: Feed me some Kuko nuts. Dekar: Blast it! That's the eighth one in a row! (marks) Tape: Wark! Waaaark wark WARK! Dekar: Uh...I... Tape: Please do not taunt my mate. Dekar: Dammit! Adol: Just face it, Dekar. You just don't do well with Chocobospeak. (red light) Garland: Looky here! Our favorite martians are calling. (presses button) Ganthrithor Headquarters (Aldaris and Zeratul stand at the control panel.) Aldaris: Well hello, little specimens. It is a shame to see you all healthy. It is a good thing that all of you are so occupied at the moment. Mojo Dekar: Well, yeah...there's little in the way of exercise you could do on here. Garland: But we *have* been training in the way of linguistic ability. As the Kilombabwes would say, Cakkaba De Poot Alasimmpore Da Vooy. And I think we all know what that means. GHQ Aldaris: Yes. That means "My grandfather is sick and the highway is green." Mojo Garland: (startled) It does? (Dekar and Adol flip through a Kilombabwe phrase book.) Adol: He's right, Garland. You stressed the I too much again. Garland: Oh. GHQ Aldaris: But enough of those arcane matters, my little men. It is time for us to deal with you. It took us a while to dig this thing up. It's real shocking and disgusting, and here is the catch. It is not a lemon. And it is not a Sonic fanfic either. Zeratul, please elaborate. Hassan: It is called "Shin-Ra's Revenge?" by the dynamic duo of Cloud and Cait Sith, who specialize in the script style comedies involving Final Fantasy characters, a large monster made of lard, and cream corn wrestling. Mojo (the crew looks nervous) Garland: And...it isn't a lemon. Fenix: No unnecessary sex scenes or tentacles. Adol: And no Oscar. GHQ Aldaris: Right. No Oscar. But after reading this, you would WISH Oscar was in it. It has so much failed wit it just stops getting funny about...(takes out a calculator and figures some numbers) fifteen lines in. So...you up to the challenge? Mojo (Adol gulps) Dekar: You SURE you couldn't find a Sonic fanfic? GHQ Aldaris: Good! Knew you would like it. Send them the fic! Zeratul: What? Aldaris: PUSH the button, Zeratul! (Zeratul pushes the button on the remote control) Mojo (klaxons) All: FANFIC SIGN! FANFIC SIGN! (they leave for the theater. 6--5--4--3--2--1--theater) Garland: Oh dear. I don't think we'll have a good time with this. Dekar: Come on, Garland. It can't be worse than anything Lord Thinker has written. > ShinRa's Revenge? > By Cloud Strife & Cait Sith Adol: What's the question mark for? Garland: They were unsure of the title. > (In Shinra Headquarters 67th Floor Meeting Room) Dekar: There, an acre of rainforest is cut down for use in lumber mills. > Announcers Voice: Will the Shinra hierarchy, including the Turks, Garland [Announcer]: ...please jump out of the windows of your office. > report to the 67th floor meeting room. No vodka this time! THIS MEANS YOU, RENO! Adol: Bring all the bourbon you want. Dekar [Announcer]: And be a love and bring me a martini. > Rufus: I'm going on vacation. Adol: Whoopee. > I haven't got some since I assumed the presidency. (long silence) Garland: Okay. Dekar: The Prez didn't have good time management? > (Author note: Unlike Bill Clinton) Adol: Hey look! Current event commentary! Garland: No one will accuse this author of being behind the times. > I need a vacation, badly. > Reno: The Honey Bee Inn is a great place to get some. Dekar: Get some what? Adol: Muffins. Dekar: What? Adol: Trust me. He means muffins. > Rufus: Do you know this from first hand experience? Garland: Are you kidding? Who'd want to sleep with him? > Rude: Yeah, that place is great! I got to take a bath with 15 naked gay men. (Adol shudders) Garland: Oh great, WHY did they have to put that image in our heads? > (Authors note: This part in the game sucked @$$) Dekar: @$$? What is @$$? Garland: It wasn't on the language tapes. Adol: That meant it sucked an at sign and two dollar. > Reno: Rude liked it because they let him wet the bed. Garland: The sheets were dirty anyway. Who would notice? Adol: What? Garland: Nothing. > Elena: You guys just need a real woman, like me! > All: (Laugh maniacally) (The group laughs even harder) > Scarlet: Yeah! She'll play Barbies with you! Ha ha ha! > All: (Laugh maniacally) (The group stops laughing) Dekar: That was absolutely mean. > Elena: (Runs crying into her room) Barbie? You won't laugh at me? Right? > Barbie: (Laughs maniacally) Adol: There goes another role model. > Reeve: (In Meeting Room with a remote) This is great! Those cameras in Barbie's eyes give me great footage! (silence) Garland: Okay. Dekar: I'm sure the relevance of that scene will come to light soon. > Tseng: I wanna see those! > Palmer: There's lard on her breasts! Yummy yummy lard! Garland: I don't remember Palmer being lecherous. > All: Palmer, you fat piece of s**t! Adol: I don't remember people hating him either. Dekar: Yes. Palmer is very lovable. > Rufus: No! That's the kind of leadership skills I want while I'm gone! Palmer, you're in charge while I'm gone. > All: WHAT? Garland: Goody! Palmer is elected president! (the group cheers) > Palmer: (Grabs Reno's nightstick and rides around on tricycle) YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY! > (Beats everyone with nightstick then shocks Scarlet with it) > Rufus: (Gives nightstick back to Reno) And Turks! You will go after Avalanche! Adol: They'll go against a natural disaster. Dekar [Turks]: STOP, avalanche! You will...AAAAAAHHHH! > Scarlet: OOOHHH, PALMER! THAT TURNS ME ON! (Starts to strip) Dekar: Uh...guys? Garland: This is getting real weird. Yes, we know. Adol: Why don't remember this part in the game? > Palmer: OOOHHH YEAH! You're breasts have more lard then Elena's! (Starts to strip) > All: HOLY S**T! (Run out of room) > Palmer: OOOHHH! (Farts) Garland: What the hell? Dekar: What IS this? Some attempt at a sick twisted joke? > (In Tifa's Seventh Heaven) Garland: Oh thank heaven for Seventh...Heaven. > Cid: (On the couch drinking tea and waving confederate flag) DUKES KICK @$$! Dekar: What? He said it again! Adol: What does this @$$ mean? > (Opens a can of hash) Dekar: Forget @$$, I want to know what this hash is. > Barret: (Walks in with Sailor suit on) Garland: Ahhhhhhh! Adol: Not THAT type of sailor suit, dummy! Garland: Oh, good. I thought it was a Sailor Moon crossover. > Not the g*****n Dukes again! I wanna watch Shaft! Dekar: Can you dig it! > Yuffie: DAMN RIGHT! > Cid: HELL NO! > (Cid and Barret battle for the remote.) Dekar: This must be the only exercise they get ever since they saved the world and all. > Cid: (Chasing Barret around couch trying to shove spear up his @$$) YOU G******N MONKEY! Adol (Cid): Chim-chim, you naughty animal! > HOLD YOU'RE BLACK @$$ STILL! Garland: Okay, so this so-called @$$ is black. Now what else can we determine? Dekar: People want to shove spears up it. > (Remote falls to floor) > Tifa: (Takes Batteries out of the remote and throws them out the window) > Cid: (Pulling spear out of Barret's @$$) Adol: Now Barret has an @$$? Garland: Shut up and let's concentrate on the story. > OH S**T! (Runs towards door and is clotheslined by Cloud) > (Everyone except Red XIII start to battle to see who can get the batteries first) > Red XIII: (Walks calmly to the TV and pushes the forgotten channel change button located right on the TV) Garland: On second thought, let's talk about the meaning of @$$. We have no story so far. Dekar: Right. > Cid: %@!%#$&$%*&$?$&***^*&%(^&%$*& ((*^%&%$^)*(%&*$^!@@$@!%#$^%#$% #%#%^%$#%$# %%%#%#%# ^%& > %^*% &^%*&^(^(()*&^&%$^%#!!!!! Adol: Percent sign, at, exclamation, ampersand, dollar sign... Dekar: And colon, semicolon too. Garland: Stop swearing in longhand. > THAT AIN'T F**KING FAIR! > Cloud: Not just fair, but f**king fair! Garland: What does f**k mean? Is that the same as fu- Adol: Garland! This is a TV-14 show. Don't jeopardize our chances with the FCC! > Barret: Damn right! How did that get there? > Red XIII: (Changes channel to news) > Reporter on TV: Shocking news! Dekar: Ranma ditch Akane and marry Shampoo! No wait. Wrong series. Garland [Announcer]: I'm not wearing any pants. > President Rufus has gone on vacation and left Palmer of the Space Division in charge. Adol [Announcer]: We look forward to a long happy time under the reign of Palmer. (group cheers) > More news at 11:00, after the plate falls. Adol: Plate? Are they having dinner? > Cloud: Alright everyone, let's mosey! > Cid: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like a wimp! Can't you say "Move out!" or something? > Cloud: Move out! Garland: That makes him sound more like a wimp. > All: (Run over to Plate Support Structure [or some crap like that]) Dekar: See? Even the author's tiring of the story! Garland: With some luck, it'll be unfinished! > Cloud: Tseng! Why do you have to threaten innocent people to get at us! We're right here! > Tseng: I won't blow this tower if a certain ancient will blow my tower! Notice the sexual innuendo. Dekar: Er...no thank you. Adol: He wants her to dynamite his tower? > Aerith: Bite me, Tseng! > Tseng: In my dreams I do. Dekar: He bites himself in his dreams? Garland: Do you MIND, Dekar?!? Dekar: I was just wondering, that's all. > Tifa: Why don't you dream about a real woman, like me! > Aerith: Well, he would do that, but he doesn't want to nibble on plastic! Adol: Yeah, me neither. Chewing on...(pauses) HEY! > Tifa: HO! (Bitch slaps Aerith. They start rumbling like Jerry Springer guests! Garland: Ah, yes. And now we see the influence Jerry Springer has on the youth on today. Adol: Shame on you, ex-governor of Cleveland! > [Authors note: Cloud wrote a Jerry Springer episode but it's too racist, sexist and biased for the internet]) Dekar [author]: Sort of like this story. > Cloud: (Breaks up fight) Are you all right, Aerith? > Tifa: Grrr. Why is it always Aerith? Dammit, Cloud! Don't you know I love you? Garland: I thought he liked Yuffie. Adol: Oh, stop that! You'll give the audience nightmares! > Cloud: (Troubled look on face) Tifa...I... > Aerith: Cloud! When you bought that flower, I fell completely in love with you! > Cloud: Oh...Aerith! >(Meanwhile the f**king plate explodes. Shrapnel flies everywhere) Dekar: And what is left of the story is blown into smithereens. > Barret: We can escape on this wire! > (Tries to swing from wire but falling metal bar hits him on head, knocking him unconscious. He lets go of wire, bangs into plate, > flies face first into the roof of a house, falls on top of a fire hydrant, rolls around on ground for while, and gets torn up by > a pack of wild dogs.) Adol: You know, that scene would have been funnier if the readers knew what the heck was going on. > Cid: (Summons the Highwind and saves all their @$$es, including Barret's) Garland: But he forgets Barret. (sighs) You know, this is really beginning to reek. All: Amen to that. > (On the Highwind) > Barret: (In full body cast, gun-arm dented & destroyed. Dekar: How can it be dented AND destroyed? Garland: Plot hole. > He's ranting and raving) ...because of them, Biggs...Wedge.... Jessie! What the hell is it all for? I know what it's for! It's >for some damn pollack's love life! > Cloud: I'm not a g*****n pollack! Just because I have blonde hair and blue eyes doesn't mean I'm a pollack! Dekar: Uh...actually it makes you Aryan. Adol: Aha! He was Hitler all along! >(Draws Ultima Weapon) > Tifa: Wait, Cloud! Don't kill Barret! Dekar: Yeah! No killing party members, remember? Garland: But Yuffie killed Aerith. Adol: Aerith's still alive in this story. Garland: Oh yeah. Right. Dekar: Speaking of which, where is Yuffie? > Aerith: Kill him, Cloud! He called you a pollack! > Cloud: Don't make me choose between you. > Barret: If you don't kill me, I'll pay you for that last mission! > Cloud: Alright, 2000 gil. I could buy a new sword.... but I don't need a new sword. I could buy materia or armor... but I don't > need any more. Oh yeah! I know! I could buy a roll of toilet paper to wipe my @$$ with! (Dripping with sarcasm) Adol (who, like the other people in the audience, don't detect the sarcasm): DANG, man. That is expensive toilet paper. Garland: Sounds more like failed wit. > Barret: So it's a deal? > Cloud: You can't even tell sarcasm when.... Oh! Forget it! You're not worth it! (Storms out of room) Garland: Cloud is in a stormy mood! Dekar: Now that's real terrible, Garland. Garland: It's the fanfiction's fault. > Tifa: See, Aerith! He likes me better! > Aerith: No he doesn't, HO! (Bitch slaps Tifa. They rumble like Springer guests again.) > Barret: Yo', Cloud! They at it again! And me wit' no popcorn! Adol: I suppose it might be hell on the weekends, what with them fighting and all. Dekar: Orville Redenbacher's sponsoring the fight? > Cloud: (Breaks up fight) Tifa, are you alright? > Aerith: Why is it always Tifa? Dekar: (yells) She's got huge tracts o' land, okay?! Adol: Stop it, Dekar! You are stooping down to their level! Dekar: It's the fanfiction's fault. Garland: Stop stealing my lines, simpleton! (Garland attacks Dekar. Adol breaks it up.) Adol: Garland, you alright? Dekar: Why's it always Garland! (Adol hits Dekar) OW! > Cloud: Wait! I like you both! We'll settle this later! > Cait Sith: (Bursts in) YEAH! Creamed-corn wrestling! > Cloud: I'll think about it. Garland [Cloud]: AFTER I beat you down like a red headed stepchild for saying that. > (Ultimate Weapon crashes into the Highwind spilling Cid's tea all over him) > Cid: Ah! S**t! You f**king f**k! You f**king flying fairy! Adol: Lovely alliteration of profanities there. > Get your sorry @$$ back here! You spilled my f**king tea! > (Cloud, Cait Sith, and Cid run out to the deck to kick Ultimate Weapon's @$$) Dekar: So, this @$$ is obviously something you can kick. Adol: Maybe it is a sort of ball. > Ultimate Weapon: Why the hell do I always fight you when we're on the same side? > (Suddenly Ultimate Weapon is shot and killed by the Junon cannon) Garland: No unnecessary fight scene! Huzzah! > Cid: &$%^#&^%&^%&^%*^#^%!^$^%$&&^&%#&^%&^*&^***^&$!&^&^$%&^%*%%@^^&$%&%!!!!! Dekar: That reflects our mood too, little buddy. > No one spills my f**king tea and gets away with it! Those Turks are f**ked! Adol: That's bad, right? Garland and Dekar: YES! > (Highwind goes after the Turk's sorry @$$ helicopter. It shoots the helicopter and forces it to land in the Midgar Zolom's swamp.) > Reno: Holy s**t! (Drops bottle of Jack Daniels) > (Avalanche exits Highwind) > Cid: You @$$holes! You spilled my f**king tea! Adol: Oh dear. The @$$ seems to have a hole in it. Dekar: Now they need some sort of @$$ inflater now Garland: Enough! We have a moratorium on @$$ starting NOW! (silence) Adol: Then what do we talk about? > Reno: You made me drop a whole f**king bottle of Jack Daniels! > Midgar Zolom: GRRRRRRR! > Cait Sith: Shut the f**k up! You're no challenge anymore! (Hits Zolom once and it dies) > Midgar Zolom: Oh poopy! (Disappears in red flash) Dekar: What did you expect from a supposedly mythical monster? > Cid: (Chases Reno around trying to shove spear up his @$$) (long silence. Everyone strains not to say anything.) > Reno: (Ignites nightstick) Enough of this s**t! Four of your best guys versus us! We have to end this... like Turks! Garland: You mean they all get their butts whipped and run away? > Cloud: So your gonna get your @$$es whipped and run away like the cowards that you are! Adol: You are blessed with the gift of ESP, Garland. Garland: No, the story is getting predictable. See, in a minute, Tifa and Aerith will start fighting again. Dekar: How much you wanna bet? Adol: Large Coke? Dekar: You're on. (shake hands) > Elena: That's the will and spirit of the Turks! Believe it! > Tifa: I've been wanting to kick Elena's @$$ for a long time! > Aerith: Too bad I'm gonna be the one who does it! > Tifa: No you're not, HO! (Bitch slaps Aerith) Dekar: What is this? The third time? Adol: They're running out of filler. By the way, Dekar. The Coke? (Dekar grudgingly gives over his large Coke. Adol sips it happily.) > Aerith: (Slams Tifa's head into a rock) > Cloud: TIFA! (Gives her a Phoenix down) Garland: WAIT! You can't give her a Phoenix Down! Her death was part of a storyline event! > Aerith: (With the indentation of Tifa's palm on her cheek) WHY IS IT ALWAYS TIFA? Aren't I better? I'm the sweet, innocent, lovable > one! I'm smarter and I'm an Ancient! What does she have on me? Adol: Money. Dekar: Better fashion sense. > Rude: One hell of a rack! All: And...that. > Aerith: That's it you bald, ugly bastard! You're dead! (Kicks him in the nuts then slams him with her staff. Digs her nails into his face > and starts to rip his flesh off) > Rude: (Starts crying, wets his pants, checks his watch, then runs away) Garland: (sniffs) Poor Rude. Another victim of this silly fanfiction. > Cid: (Picks up the Jack Daniels bottle, beats Reno with it, shoves spear up his @$$, and twists it) > Reno: (Makes gay @$$ pose, starts to bleed out his @$$, then runs away) Adol: Yeah, whatever. Dekar: I have no idea what this @$$ is, but I think I have a distinct feeling that we're going to kick some later if this stuff keeps up. > Tseng: Oh my god! I actually have to fight this time! > Elena: What is your weapon anyway, Tseng? Garland: A five-ton stuffed elephant named Wally. Dekar: What? Garland: It's Reeve's weapon, anyway. > Tseng: (Whips out 8 inch vibrating dildo) I've used it on YOU when you've been disobedient! Adol: Sorry, I do not remember that part of the story. Dekar: Must have been in the Japanese version. > YOU otta know! Garland: Oh, now he's mocking Alanis Morrisette. He shall die a coward's death! > Cloud: (With look of disgust on face) You f**king pervert! Adol: I don't think he should be talking. > Tseng: How do you think Elena chipped her tooth! It's a great gismo! > Barret: I used it once m'self! Dekar: If you will allow me to quote a piece of pop culture... Garland: Granted. Dekar: "Dude, this is getting real f**ked up right here." > Yuffie: (Pukes all over Barret) > Barret: HO! (Bitch slaps Yuffie with a gay @$$ boxing glove on gun-arm) Adol: That was uncalled for. Garland: BAD fanfiction writer! > Vincent: Enough of this s**t! (Pulls out Silver Rifle and shoots it) D'oh! (Realizes it's just a Super Soaker 30) > Tseng: Enough of this bulls**t! (Tries to attack Cloud with dildo) Garland: And how, pray tell, do you do that? Dekar: Do not ask or the authors will answer it for us. > Cloud: (Grabs dildo and shoves it down Tseng's throat) > Tseng: (Coughs up dildo and runs away choking) > Cloud: I can't believe I touched it! > Yuffie: (Picks up dildo) Can I keep it? Adol: Must...resist...bad...comments on...author's heritage... Dekar: Adol, you look pale. > Cait Sith: (Jumps on the horrified Elena) > Elena: (Drops Barbie) > Barbie: (Laughs maniacally) > Cait Sith: Elena! I have a secret! Garland [Cait]: Cloud's fanfictions are usually better than this! Dekar: Bet you they aren't. > I'm actually Reeve and I'm controlling your Barbie! It has cameras in its eyes and your breasts are really small! Adol: Don't be ridiculous. She doesn't have any breasts! (Garland and Dekar look at him) Adol: What? > Ha ha ha ha ha ha! > Elena: Aaaahhhhhh! (Picks up Barbie, blows Cloud a kiss, cries, then runs away) Dekar: Uh...I'm feeling dumber by watching that scene. Garland: Yes. Now, watch as the dildo appears in another crucial scene for some reason. Adol: Same bet, Dekar? Dekar: On a dildo? You've got to be kidding. > Midgar Zolom: GRRRR!!!!! > Yuffie: OH GAWD! Not another one! (Shoves dildo up his @$$) > Midgar Zolom: (Makes pleasurable noise and disappears in red flash... forever) Adol: That brings an end to a plausibly one-dimensional character. Dekar: I am REALLY in the mood for an Oscar fanfiction right about now. Garland: Dekar! What are you saying? > (Meanwhile, at the Shinra Headquarters) Garland: The Shinra hierarchy put out a contract on the authors. > Palmer: I've got a plan! Dekar (Palmer): Okay, I'm the EVIL fairy running around the hall in a tutu... > Scarlet, you and Hojo make me a Bio-weapon to conquer the world! > Hojo: What? Again? Adol (Hojo): But you ate it last week! > Scarlet: Yes... sir. Right away! > (Scarlet and Hojo leave to work on Palmer's Bio-weapon) > Palmer: SWEET! > (Back in the swamp) Adol [narrator]: On second thought, let us not return there. It sucks. > Cloud: We have to go after them! I can't believe that disgusting Tseng! > Aerith: I know! He likes me, too! Garland: And he's also supposed to be dead. You two are a couple. > Cloud: I'll protect you, Aerith! > Tifa: It's always Aerith, isn't it? All: SHUT UP! > Cait Sith: I'm not finished with Elena, either! > Cid: (Dripping with sarcasm) Let's mosey, everyone! > (Avalanche jumps aboard the Highwind) Adol: And we are outta here! (the crew runs out.) __________________________ This program brought to you by Nova, the novelty nuclear missile. You never know when it's gonna blow! By Whammo! _____________________________ (When we return, we see the crew behind a cardboard stage) Dekar: And now, a story on the story so far. (curtain rises, and we see a Cid Highwind action figure sitting on a couch.) Garland (speaking for Cid): Hi, I am the incorrigible and lovable Cid Highwind! I say naughty words and do lots of smoking as I watch them Duke boys mess with Boss Hogg. Yeeeee-hah! (he waves a Confederate flag.) (Enter a Barret action figure) Dekar (speaking as Barret): I do not like Dukes! Change it! Pseudo-Cid: Oh yeah? Pseudo-Barret: Yeah! (The two action figures fight and grunt. Then a Cloud action figure comes in.) Adol (as Cloud): Stop fighting! That is Tifa and Aerith's job! Pseudo-Barret: Sorry. Pseudo-Cloud: Now hurry! The Turks are trying to blow things up again! (quick scene change.) Pseudo-Cloud: Stop right there, evil-doer! (pause) Adol: Psst. Dekar, the Tseng figure. Dekar: What? Oh. (he pulls out a Val Venis action figure, then speaks as Tseng) Ha ha! So we meet again! Now I will make rude sexual allusions and... Garland: Hold on! That isn't a Tseng figure! Dekar: It's the closest I can find. Garland: Oh. Carry on. Pseudo-Tseng: Eh-hem. Now, you die! Rude! Reno! Elena! (Adol pulls out an Ellen DeGeneres doll.) Adol (as Elena): Yes, boss? Pseudo-Tseng: Where are Rude and Reno? Pseudo-Elena: They are throwing up in the back somewhere. Pseudo-Tseng: Okay. Now fight! (the characters fight and stuff. Then Fenix pulls out a Tifa action figure.) Garland (as Tifa): Oh, Cloud! I have always loved you! Pseudo-Cloud: Later, honey. I am fighting now! (Adol pulls out an Aerith doll.) Adol (as Aerith): Why is it always Tifa? (Tifa and Aerith doll fight with lots of cat sound effects.) Dekar: Meanwhile, the plate falls down. (He takes a metal slab and smashes it down on the action figures.) But they all survive and they fight again. (the plate is lifted up and all the characters fight again. Then there is a pause.) Garland: So, that's it then. Dekar: Yeah. Adol: Not much of a Calis Cheah fanfiction, is it? Garland: Not much of any fanfiction. Dekar: Yes. Why all of this fighting anyway? Can't humans learn to get along and resolve their differences peacefully? (pause, then raucous laughter.) Adol: What the heck, let us return and finish this puppy. Garland: Agreed. (they leave.) (1-2-3-4-5-6-studio) > (Aboard the Highwind) Adol: We tune in to see Cloud lecture us on 14th century French Poetry by the upper chivalristic classes in combat on the third Crusade while... > Cid: (Sees the Gelnika) There's those @$$holes! Let's go! Dekar: No, sorry. They are still saying naughty words again. > (Gelnika weaves through the sky, crashes into a mountain, rips it's wings off, and crashes into the ocean) (pause) Garland: What? No elaborate chase scene? Dekar: Good. Less story. > (Aboard Gelnika) > Tseng: What are you doing, Reno? We're gonna die you drunken bastard! > Reno: I'M NOT DRUNK! (Tosses an empty bottle of Jack Daniels at Tseng) Adol [Reno]: Madam, I may be drunk, but you are BLEEEAAARRRGH! > (Gelnika sinks to the bottom of the ocean and is stepped on by Emerald Weapon) Dekar: And that puts an end to all of those drunk jokes. Garland: Huzzah. > (Aboard the Highwind) > Cloud: That takes care of them! > Cait Sith: Uh.... guys! We have a problem! Palmer has just unleashed the Lard Monster! > All: THE WHAT! > Cait Sith: The Lard Monster! Palmer's trying to take over the world! (group cheer.) Garland: PAL-MER! PAL-MER! Dekar: GOOOOOO Palmer! Yee-hah! Adol: Eliminate the scum! > Lard Monster: (Walks by the Highwind) > Cloud: OH S**T! Garland (Cid): Hey! That's my line! Dekar (Cloud): Sorry. > Barret: Me an' my boyz seen sum rough s**t back in th' 'hood! Dekar: You must have needed more roughage. (The group laughs maniacally, then give a loud sigh.) Adol: GOD, this thing sucks. > But nuthin could prepare me for this! > Cid: Let's go after that lardy piece of s**t! Garland: Lard. Dekar (Cid): Right. Lard. > (The Highwind chases after the Lard Monster) > Lard Monster: PREPARE TO DIE! Dekar: Ooh, I'm scared, mommy. (holds Adol) Adol: I am *not* your mommy. > (Tosses lard at the Highwind, causing it to make an emergency landing) > Cid: F**K! That lardy piece of s**t ruined my plane! Dekar (in German voice): It eez an AIRSHIP, you imbecile! > I'll kick it's @$$! Garland: I'm gonna kick *your* @$$ if you say @$$ again! Adol: Of course, we need to figure what an @$$ is. Garland: Right. > Lard Monster: (Throws more lard at the Highwind, sticking everyone in place) HA HA HA! > Cait Sith: AW MAN! I'm covered in lard! > Cloud: I can't move my legs! Dekar: I remember Chris Farley saying that. Oh, was he a funny fellow. > Aerith: Cloud, I'm scared! > Cloud: It's alright, Aerith! I'm here for you! > Tifa: Why is it always Aerith? I'm scared too! > Cloud: Don't worry, Teef! I'm here for you, too! Adol (Aerith): Why is it always Tif...no, wait, I said that already. > Yuffie: Vinny, I'm scared, too! Hold me! > Vincent: It'll be alright, babe! (Hugs Yuffie) > Barret: S**t! Now I'm gonna puke! Garland: What, they decide to do that NOW? Adol: I see we have lotsa emphasis on the bodily function humor. > Cid: That lard @$$ ruined my plane! That mother f**kers dead! As soon as I get out of this g*****n s**t! > Lard Monster: (Laughs maniacally) Now, rot in the hot sun! HA HA HA! (Leaves to go on a rampage) Dekar: Fine. Uh...you go do that. > Cloud: We must stop it! Adol (Cid): YOU go stop it! I'll just sit here and spout profanities with Barret! > Barret: Foo'! How we gonna do dat? We stuck under dis s**t! Garland: He can't tell the difference between feces and lard. I find that amusing. Dekar: At least you're finding some good out of this story, Garland. > Cait Sith: I'm starving! Anyone here know how to cook? > Cloud: I don't! > Tifa: I can cook! I'm the best! But I have nothing to cook. All we have is rice, vegetables, and chicken. Garland: She can't be that good of a cook if she doesn't know how to cook chicken. Dekar: Maybe it's live chicken. Adol: What chicken? I thought they were covered with lard. Dekar: Oh, who cares any more? (despite himself, he bursts into tears.) Garland: There, there. Let it all out. > Yuffie: I can cook with that! (Pulls out a Wok) > Cid: Oh s**t! It's "YUFFIE'S ORIENTAL COOKING"! (Insert music of horror here. We suggest something oriental) Adol: Stan Xhiao? Dekar (Stan): Hello please! With six you get eggroll! > Yuffie: What's wrong with my cooking, old man? (Starts chopping vegetables) > Cid: Stop calling me that, b***h! If I could go over there, I'd smack your @$$! Dekar: NO! No more @$$! NO! (He cries again) Adol: Don't keep your hatred bottled up, Dekar. Just let it burst out. Dekar: I HATE YOU, YOU LOUSY AND FOUL-MOUTHED FANFICTION! I HOPE YOU DIE OF THE PLAGUE! I HOPE YOUR DAUGHTERS BECOME PROSTITUTES IN SINGAPORE! Garland: There. You feel better? Dekar: I think so. Yeah. > Yuffie: (Stir-fries chicken, vegetables, and "Uncle Ben's Instant Rice") Garland: Uncle Ben? Adol: Great. Now they've throw in some jolly racism there. > Lard: Oh s**t! They found my weakness! "YUFFIE'S ORIENTAL COOKING"! (Insert music of horror here) Garland: Oh no, not meatloaf AGAIN! > Yuffie: Alright! It's ready! > Lard: Damn! (Disappears in red flash) Dekar: I take it that suspense is not one of this story's virtues. Adol: Correct. > Cid: Yeah! I can get the Highwind working again! > Yuffie: Wait! You have to eat my cooking first! Dekar: Careful! She killed Tseng and Aerith. Garland: Aerith is still alive in this. Dekar: Oh. > Vincent: I'll have some. (Takes a bite. Struggles to keep puke in) It's... good...Yuffie... > Barret: I once ate outta a garbage can back in m' 'hood! Dekar: M' 'hood? Adol: It is a suburb outside of New Joisey. > I can stand it! (Eats some) Oh s**t! I don't believe sumthin' so horrible can exist in da' world! Garland: There is Brittany Spears. > Dis s**t is worse den Vincent's tarts! Dekar [Vincent]: *What* did you call Lucretia? > Vincent: NOBODY INSULTS MY TARTS! (Changes into chainsaw wielding maniac and chases Barret around laughing maniacally) > Barret: Holy g*****n s**t! Dekar: Yup. If all else fails, use senseless violence. Adol: Blasted Tarantino plot device. > Yuffie: Who else wants some? > Cloud: No time! We have to stop the Lard Monster! Garland: No! Let Palmer conquer the world! Maybe it'll make this story better! > Sephiroth: I'll take care of it! > All: SEPHIROTH? Dekar: Oh thank God! Finally a character we all can enjoy. > Sephiroth: But first I'm gonna have some of this wonderful smelling stir-fry! Garland: Uh-oh. Not a good sign. > Cloud: Not "YUFFIE'S ORIENTAL COOKING"! (Insert music of horror here) > Sephiroth: Yes! It looks delicious! (Eats some) Oh my god! This s**t is worse then Vincent's tarts! Adol: I thought it was stir-fry. Dekar: So did I. Maybe they gave him dog feces instead of stir-fry. Garland: You seem right. There is a lot in common with this story and Pink Flamingos. > Vincent: (Stops chasing Barret and bobbittizes Sephiroth) Adol: He turned him into a spinning thing on a sewing machine? Garland: That's bobbinize, Adol. Adol: Then what did he... > Sephiroth: (Sings a really high note then talks in a high pitched voice) Oh my god! Holy s**t! I'LL NEVER HAVE KIDS! > All: GOOD! Dekar: No pitter-pattering of little madmen's feet at home. Fenix: How sad. > Lard Monster: (From long distance away lets out a horrifying shriek) > Cloud: What the hell was that? Garland: Can't you read screen directions? > All: (Jump aboard Highwind to see what the hell happened, leaving Sephiroth rolling on the ground) > (Palmer is lying on the ground looking fatter then ever. The Lard Monster is nowhere in sight. Dekar: Palmer defeated the lard monster! He's a hero! Adol: Hurray for Palmer! (cheers) > Rufus's helicopter shows up) > Rufus: (With lipstick all over face... as well as other places) Dekar: In the helicopter for example. Garland: He must have had a tryst with the helicopter pilot. (There is laughter, then a long, heartbreaking sigh) > Palmer! I heard about your plan! What the hell happened? > Palmer: I was really hungry and it was made out of yummy, gooey lard! I couldn't help myself! Dekar: Never blame the fat guy for that. You see a lard thing and... > Rufus: You ate it? Dammit, Palmer! You almost conquered the world for me! YOU'RE FIRED! (cries of protest) Adol: You can NEVER fire Palmer! You want a boycott, funny-haired man? > Palmer: (Let's out a long, disgusting, sloppy, wet fart) > Rufus: HOLY S**T! I'd better get the hell out of here before I suffocate! (Leaves in helicopter) Garland: Well, luckily HE has that option. Bastard. > Cloud: (In the Highwind) Our work here is done. > Cait Sith: Yeah, now for the creamed-corn wrestling! (groans) Garland: Oh, darnit! Would you stop this lewd behavior before someone gets hurt? Dekar: I think it's too late. > We'll have it at the Battle Arena at Gold Saucer! I'll work out a deal with Dio! We could sell tickets! We'll make a fortune! But I'm > almost broke! Let's earn money at the Chocobo races! Adol: And talk in short sentences with unnecessary exclamation points! Keep it coming! All right! > (Highwind goes to the Gold Saucer) > (At Chocobo Square) Adol: Where everyone knows your name. > Ester: Hey, Cloud! Wanna race! > Joe: Yeah! My Chocobo, Teioh, will kick your Chocobo's @$$! (There are loud screams.) Garland: STOP WITH THAT WORD! > Cloud: Yeah right, Joe! Dream on! > Cait Sith: I'll bet on Cloud! His Gold Chocobo, Nugget, (snickers) Dekar: If I were a chocobo named Nugget, I would commit ritual suicide. > can beat Teioh any day! Garland: Note the sexual innuendo. Adol: What sexual...? > Vincent: Just in case, I'll bet on Teioh. > Ester: Okay! Good luck! Garland: I know! Let's be announcers and maybe we could deflect a little of this chocobo scene. Dekar: Okay. > (The race starts) > Cloud: Eat my dust, Joe! (Passes him) > Joe: Holy s**t! That Chocobos fast! Adol: How can s**t be holy? Dekar: I dunno. Maybe there's this refining process that... Garland: Dekar! No talking about raw sewage recycling during a film! OR ten minutes after we eat! Dekar: Sorry. > Nugget: Wark! Garland: Oh! Nugget called Teioh a washed out little mama's boy! > Teioh: Wark wark! > Cait Sith: Come on, Nugget! Let's goooooo Nugget! Kick @$$, Cloud! > Vincent: Dammit Teioh, move your @$$! Adol: Or he'll kick it! > Joe: He's getting to that line that slows them down! (Laughs maniacally) > Teioh: Wark! > (Cloud and Nugget pass line and maintain speed) > Joe: Oh s**t! I forgot that the line doesn't slow gold chocobos! Dekar: Smart. > Cloud: (Crosses finish line on Nugget) ALRIGHT! Good job, Nugget! > Nugget: WARK! > Cait Sith: SWEET! Good job, Cloud! > Vincent: DAMN! I'm broke! > Cait Sith: You could always get a bank loan. > Vincent: But how am I gonna pay that off, with another bank loan? Garland: Now they're using old Abbott and Costello routines now. Is that legal? Dekar: Yeah. > Joe: G*****N! I can't believe I lost! I MUST REALLY SUCK! > Cloud and Cait Sith: YES! YOU DO! Adol: Hey! No commentary from the authors! > Joe: I QUIT! > Ester: Good job, Cloud! > Cait Sith: Yeah! Now I have enough money to rent the Battle Arena from Dio! I can't wait! CREAMED-CORN WRESTLING! (there is a show of disgust) Garland: Aldaris, do we have to watch this? Aldaris (over mike): Yes, you do. Garland: Blast. > Dio: (Walks in) Hey! This might be interesting! I'll sell tickets! > Cait Sith: Doncha ever wear a shirt! Dekar [Dio]: Shut up and ogle my pecs! > Dio: Shuddap, Kaitty! > Cait Sith: DON'T CALL ME THAT EVER AGAIN OR I'LL KICK YOUR @$$! Adol [Dio]: Another outburst like that, young robot and you will get a time out!. > Dio: Alright, Cait. Calm Down. > Cait Sith: Thank you. > (In Battle Arena. The Arena is made to look like a wrestling ring filled with creamed-corn. All: Riiiiiiiight... > The area around the ring has bleachers set up and is filled with people, including Cloud, Cid, Barret and the others. Cait Sith is > announcing with is HP Shout) > Cait Sith: Welcome to the main event! This is the final deciding battle over Cloud's affection! Adol: For at least a week. Garland: Shut up and humor the guy a little. Adol: I have no intention to. > The loser gets emotionally destroyed! Dekar: Oh, she gets to see a Family Circus special? > The winner gets Cloud Strife for her very own! (Authors note: Cloud here says he's quite a prize!) Dekar: Yeah, a booby prize. (snickers) Adol: That was extremely low, Dekar. Dekar: Just trying to get into the spirit. > Now let's meet the contestants! (Garland hums the theme to Family Feud) > In this corner, standing at 5' 4", weighing in at, 119 lbs., "The mistress of the golden glove", Adol: Let's give a warm hand to... > Tifaaaaaaaaaaa Lockheart! Dekar: Tifa's turnons include working out, clubbing, Xena the warrior princess, and wearing very scanty clothing. Turnoffs include Janet Reno and several members of the Stock Exchange. > And in this corner, standing at 5' 3", weighing in at, 105 lbs., "The green-eyed goddess of the flowers", Adol: Kathie Lee Gifford. > Aerrrrrrrrith Gainsborough! Garland: Aerith's turnons are cute furry animals, nature hikes, and several forms of firearms. Turnoffs include environmental pollution and teeny-boppers. > Alright, ladies, I want a clean fight! Dekar: Yeah, whatever. They're in cream corn. > No eye gouging, no hair pulling, no materia! All: And NO singing! > Now shake hands come out fighting! Adol: No, no. Shake hands, THEN come out fighting. Do not be confused. > Alright, LET'S GET IT ON! > Tifa: You're dead, b***h! > Aerith: (Prays) > (They shake hands and prepare to fight) Adol: But first a quick commercial! (pause) Dekar: It's not coming, Adol. Adol: Oh God! (covers eyes) > Aerith: (Jumps from her corner and dive-bombs Tifa) > Cait Sith: Good move by, Aerith! Garland: Good call by, Cait. > Tifa: (Hits Aerith with Premium Heart) Oh s**t! My limit bars not high enough! (Throws it away, deciding bare skin is tougher. Kicks > Aerith) Dekar: So...uh, she's barefoot? Adol: (srill with hands over his eyes) Don't ask me. I'm not watching. > Aerith: (Grabs Tifa's leg and pulls her into the corn. Grabs her braided hair and beats her with it) > Cait Sith: And they're in the creamed-corn! Dekar: If the FDA finds out about this, heads will roll. > Cid: (Sipping tea) Yeah! This is better then the Dukes! (Pops open a can of hash) Garland: Is this hash like hashish? Dekar: How much hashish can you hash in the hash? (group snickers, then give a long, heartfelt sigh.) Garland: Just keep thinking. It will be over soon. Just relax. It will be over. Can you make it? Dekar: No. You? Garland: No. > Cloud: (Thinks) If they're this wild in the ring, I wonder how they would be in bed! (silence) Adol: (still covering eyes) Is it over? Dekar: No. > Tifa: (Backhands Aerith, causing her to land face first in the corn) > Aerith: (Gets up looking pissed) That's it, Double D! (Tries to pull Tifa around by back of her top but accidentally pulls her top off) > Cid: HELL YEAH! > Cloud: DAMN RIGHT! Dekar: SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, I'M BLIND! (he is rubbing his eyes feverishly) Garland: Lucky git. (Adol peeks briefly from behind his hands, then hides again.) > Cait Sith: And Tifa's now top-less! > Tifa: (Tries to put top back on) > Aerith: (Kicks Tifa in the butt, jumps on her, and holds her face under the corn) > Cait Sith: I think that's an illegal move! (Dekar looks through a rule book) Garland: For the love of humanity, this is sickening! Dekar: Don't worry, it'll be all over soon. > Referee: Break it up! (Tries to pull Aerith off of Tifa but is kicked in the nuts by Aerith) > Tifa: (Flails arms wildly and rips Aerith's dress, and for the first time ever Aerith's legs are revealed. A message flashes across the screen, > HP/MP RESTORED) > Red XIII: So that's how her limit breaks work! Dekar: Wow. Red XIII has a speaking part for the first time in...six pages! Adol: Beautiful. Is it over? Garland: No. > Barret: I'd probably level up if she'd show some cleavage! > Cloud: You horny pervert! (Pulls out Ultima Weapon and climhazzards him, sends him up into the rafters) > Barret: (Just hangs there for a while) Dekar: Did I just see Cloud hit Barret for making a suggestive remark? Oh the IRONY! > Aerith: (Is wailing on Tifa) Garland: What, she is crying already? Dekar: That means she is still beating Tifa up. Adol: Oh. (pause) Is it over? Garland and Dekar: NO! > Tifa: (Does a backflip and kicks Aerith in the face. While Aerith is reeling, she puts her top back on) > Everyone in audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! > Tifa: You bunch of perverts! Garland: How about the story writers? > (Moves toward Aerith to finish her off. Throws a punch that Aerith blocks, breaking a nail) > Aerith: YOU TWO CENT HO! Adol: She's worth more than that! > YOU BROKE MY NAIL! YOU SHALL DIE, B***H! (Kicks Tifa in the stomach, jumps on her back, knocks her down, throws > creamed-corn in her eyes, slaps the s**t out of her, knees her in the face, picks her up, and chucks her out of the ring) Adol: Now is it done? Dekar: Yeah. > Cait Sith: (Plays victory fanfare on Battle Trumpet) Winner by knock-out, ring out and all around @$$ whipping... Aerith > Gainsborough! (scattered golf clapping from group. Adol takes hands from eyes.) > Johnny: Hey, since Aerith gets Cloud, maybe Tifa will be on the rebound! > Vincent: And I'm sure she'd go out with a mental patient like you, hoodlum! > Cloud: (steps into ring and kisses Aerith. Gets down on knee to propose to her) > Sephiroth: (Comes flying down to stab Aerith) Dekar: Oh look! Sephiroth! Garland: Oh God... > Cloud: (Pushes Aerith out of the way and is stabbed by Sephiroth. Picks him up by his sword and throws him into the turn buckle) > Cait Sith: (Tosses Cloud an X-potion) And now for the show down of the century! Adol: Oh GOD! Not Cloud Versus Sephiroth in CREAMED CORN! (screams) Garland: NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! > In this corner, Weighing in at 145 lbs., wielding his Ultima Weapon, the Spiky-headed "Ex-solider" from Nibelhiem, Cloud "Cutter" > Strife! Dekar: No relation to Cutter John. Garland: Cloud Strife's turnons are...oh, what's the use? (pouts) > And in this corner, the biggest @$$hole in the world, Sephiroth! (Authors note: All you people who call yourselves Sephiroth, CHEW > ON THIS!) Adol: Respected author, I DO NOT WISH TO CHEW AN @$$!!! > Alright you two, make this a bloody fight! No holds barred! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE! > Sephiroth: You can't win, Cloud! My sword is longer than yours! > Cloud: Oh yeah, well I've got the girth! Garland: He never runs out of sexual imagery, does he? > Vincent: What sword, Sephy? Didn't I bobbitize you? Dekar: He became secretary of the interior? Adol: That's Babbitize, nimrod. > Sephiroth: You'd be surprised at what Lucretia can do. She's a good surgeon. > Vincent: I'm surprised she could find it! > Sephiroth: Shut up! She never felt a thing for you! Adol: Unfortunately, that was a really good line. Garland: Too bad for the rest of the story. > Vincent: Save some of him for me, Cloud! > Cloud: You can have his corpse! Garland: What good would that do? Dekar: Stuff him? > Stupid fan in crowd: Gooooooooo Sephiroth! Yeah Meteor! Let's stab an innocent, sweet girl in the back like a coward! Let's f**k with a > guys mind so much that he doesn't know who he is, like a pussy! Let's... > Rest of crowd: (Bludgeons him with a chair leg) Garland: You think the author doesn't like Sephiroth? Adol: How would you figure that? > Cloud: This is for Nibelhiem. (Slashes at Sephiroth's head) > Sephiroth: (Ducks grabs hold of unconscious Tifa and holds Masamune at her throat) One move and she dies! Your friends are only a > liability! Garland [Julia Child]: They also make GREAT appetizers once you combine the sautéed onions and grilled peppers... > Cloud: I can't believe I ever wanted to be like you! Dekar: Goth? > Tifa: (Comes to and kicks Sephiroth in the nuts) That's for my Dad! (Gets out of the way) > Cloud: OMNISLASH! > Sephiroth: (In really high voice) Oh s**t! > Cloud: (Hits Sephiroth and...********#*#*#**# Picture goes dark. Dekar: What happened? Aldaris [over mike]: Uh...sorry. Feed broke. If you will wait for a while...? Garland: Hell no! Back to the studio before it starts running again! (the four run out of the studio) (1...2...3...4...5...6) Garland: Well, now we'd like to provide for you a play by play coverage of the Chocobo race you saw earlier for your pleasure. And here are your announcers, Adol and Dekar! > (The race starts) Dekar: And they're off! At the gate, it is the fat dude in the lead followed closely by the spiky-hair guy, the bald guy, the incontinent guy on the green, and Chocobo Joe! Adol: And look, at the pass and near the eighth mark it is...wow! Is that Abe Vigoda making a run? Dekar: Yes! It's Abe Vigoda on Tessio the gold chocobo passing the fat dude on the yellow for the lead followed closely by that dorky Joe dude with that dorky black chocobo and the spiky haired guy on the gold! > Cloud: Eat my dust, Joe! (Passes him) > Joe: Holy s**t! That Chocobos fast! Adol: And at the first turn it is Abe at the lead with that spiky hair guy at second, and that is Joe in third! What a tight race! > Nugget: Wark! > Teioh: Wark wark! Dekar: The chocobos are exchanging naughty words! And...Nugget and Teioh have unseated their riders and are engaged in mortal combat! Cloud and Joe are trying to separate the chocobo as the fat one and incontinent one pass! And Abe Vigoda is running away with the race! > Cait Sith: Come on, Nugget! Let's goooooo Nugget! Kick @$$, Cloud! Adol: And...Vigoda is being challenged by the fat dude and...oh! The fat guy collided with the advertisement for Ehrgiez 2! He is out cold! And the incontinent one is gaining and...oh look! Teioh is running into the stands as Nugget is chasing him with a fire axe! > Vincent: Dammit Teioh, move your @$$! Dekar: And Teioh finds his @$$ and moves just in time before Nugget's axe slices into it! And there is some confusion! Abe Vigoda has STOPPED his chocobo and asked directions! He is still in the...what is this? The incontinent guy has run into the bathroom! Adol: And Nugget is trying to find his rider now! Where is Cloud? Where is he?!? Oh, there he is hitting on the concession girl. Abe Vigoda has started up again and has pulled out to gain a big lead. But Joe has found his chocobo hiding under the Mexican broadcasters table and is back in the race! And Cloud has been reseated and HE is back in the race! > Joe: He's getting to that line that slows them down! (Laughs maniacally) Dekar: And it looks like Joe is laughing and...WHAT is this? The fat guy has TRIPPED Chocobo Joe! Joe flies into the stands and ouch! He has lodged into the chicken wire! > Teioh: Wark! Adol: And Teioh has just said a rather dirty word there. And look! The Incontinent guy is coming back and...No! He has gone back to the bathroom! And there, the fat guy is being passed by Cloud and....they're at the line! > (Cloud and Nugget pass line and maintain speed) Dekar: Yes! They maintain speed! And now it looks like Chocobo Joe is about to say a really stupid and sophomoric line! > Joe: Oh s**t! I forgot that the line doesn't slow gold chocobos! Adol: And the crowd has started to beat up Joe on the chicken wire! Dekar: And down the stretch they come! Abe Vigoda on Tessio in the inside and Cloud Strife on Nugget on the outside. Cloud is losing stamina and Nugget is fading. Vigoda is making one last push and...ABE VIGODA wins! Adol: Abe gets first while Cloud wins the bet by coming in second! And in comes the rest and the incontinent guy comes in third followed by the fat guy, and oh, there is Joe on the end. Looks like Team Fish is gonna be happy tonight! (Adol and Dekar give a deep breath.) Garland: What you think, sirs? GHQ (Aldaris and Zeratul give the OK sign) Both: It STINKS! (Zeratul pushes the button. End Feed.) This has been another addition of TRK Professional. All respected rights reserved. All comments were satirical and were not aimed as a personal attack on the writers. Trust us, we restrained ourselves. Don't sue us, guys. Please? // Aerith: Kill him, Cloud! He called you a pollack! \\