MSTing: "The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy in the labrynth" by Mark Ogilvie with the short, "I want You Back" by FrickRokz MSTed by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg --- Part 1 of 8 --- DISCLAIMER Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1999 Best Brains, Inc. "The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy in the labrynth" copyright 1999 by Mark Ogilvie. "Labyrinth", its characters, and situations, are copyright 1986 Jim Henson. "H.R. Pufnstuf" its characters and situations, are copyright 1969 Sid and Marty Krofft. "Bugaloos", its characters and situations, are copyright 1970 Sid and Marty Krofft. "I want You Back" copyright 1999 FrickRokz. N'SYNC, Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees copyright The Dawn of Time, Satan. Britney Spears copyright 1999 Mattel, Inc. Dr. Michael Neylon appears with his knowledge and permission. This publication is for entertainment use only. Pregnant women should not touch broken tablets. This publication is not meant as a personal attack on Mike Neylon, Shay Caron, Mark Ogilvie, FrickRokz, Jim Henson, David Bowie, Sid and/or Marty Krofft, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, 98Degrees, or N'SYNC; nor is it meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, Sci Fi Channel, Jim Henson, Sid and Marty Krofft, FrickRokz, or Mark Ogilvie. They call it "Royale with cheese". Copyright 1999 Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- [START THEME MUSIC] THEME SONG GUY: In the not-too-far-past future O'er distant alien soil Pearl Forrester is real jacked off 'Cuz things got screwed up royal Her nefarious schemes had a wrench thrown in Thanks to Michael J. Nelson's Evil Twin Now she's trapped on the SOL, it's true! Meanwhile Mike's stuck on the surface- It's a zany switcheroo! PEARL (voice over, screaming): NEL-, SOOOOOOOON! [CUT TO: SOL. Pearl, in her black jump suit, speaks (does NOT sing) directly to the camera.] PEARL (threatening): You BETTER not send me crummy postings! Look at me! I don't kid! [CUT TO: Dungeon of the House of Pain. Mike, Tom, and Crow.] MIKE: Right. 'Cuz you'd have to sit- CROW (brightly): And watch them all! TOM (sarcasm): And suffer. Like WE once did. [CUT TO: Elsewhere in Dungeon. Bobo is playing solitaire. Observer, dumb as a post without his brain, picks up a card Bobo just played, and absently bites it. Bobo swats him over the head.] THEME SONG GUY: Now Bobo, and Observer, too are stuck down there with Mike [CUT TO: . Pearl, lounging in a La-Z-Boy, smokes a cigar. Clothes are strewn everywhere, even over Gypsy, who's swiveling around in a daze.] THEME SONG GUY: While Pearl's crew on the Satellite wishes she would take a hike! Guess who's up there! THEME SONG GUY: Gypsy! [INSERT Gypsy, with a dirty bra over her eye.] GYPSY: I'm blind! THEME SONG GUY: Scratch! [INSERT Scratch, the sky blue dragon, confused, his back to Cambot, his voice supplied by special guest *Danny DeVito*.] SCRATCH: So where's Mulder? THEME SONG GUY: Magic Voice! [INSERT shot of empty bridge.] MAGIC VOICE: They're all my best side. THEME SONG GUY: Peeeeearl! [INSERT Pearl, arms extended, hamming for the camera.] PEARL: Fried chicken! [CUT TO: Clips of Pearl with Scratch on her head talking to Trixie via the hexfield, Gypsy approaching Pearl morosely drinking a beer while watching football, Pearl shooting her Ghostbusters gun around the SOL.] THEME SONG GUY: If you're wondering how she eats and breathes, and other science fare, just remember that we don't like her much, and we really just don't care! On M Y S T E R Y S C I E N C E T H E A T E R , 3 0 0 0 ! >>BRANG !<< / * \... = 2 =... > 3 <... [ 4 ]... ( 5 )... | 6 |... [OPEN ON: SOL Bridge. Pearl is alone on the bridge, engrossed in reading, "THE CELESTINE PROFIT-CY! Invest in Alien Worlds- with NO MONEY DOWN!" Gypsy enters.] GYPSY: So Pearl? PEARL (not looking up): No. GYPSY: I was just wondering. Is it really a long, long way to Tipperary? PEARL (sighing, looking off the bridge): Lizard? [Scratch rushes onstage.] SCRATCH: Yazza boss? PEARL (returning to her book): Shut her up. SCRATCH: Gotcha. (to Gypsy) So! Tipperary interrogatives, ay? GYPSY: Uh-huh. SCRATCH: Ya ain't the first, love. This way. [Scratch leads Gypsy to another part of the ship, just ten feet away. There, they reach a large toll booth, with a smilin' Irish guard (Paul Chaplin) in a badged blue uniform, cap, and clipboard. He's got a wee touch of a brogue.] GUARD: Tipperary Border Patrol! GYPSY: Oo! GUARD: Please form a single line on the right. Have yer passports ready, if ya'd be so kind madam. SCRATCH (to Gypsy): You don't have anything to declare, do ya, Bright Eye? GYPSY: I guess it isn't such a long way to Tipperary after all. GUARD (offended): Oho! So ya be another one o'them book-learnin' socialites seein' fit ta judge the distance ta Tipperary, are ya? GYPSY: Well... GUARD: Perhaps you'd prefer another song? (raises his fists) Shake hands with me brother Fist, me boy! And here is his sister, Pain! SCRATCH (scared, backing away): Heh- I think we better go to commercial and call the American embassy or something. Good guard! Nice guard! GUARD (sings, shadow boxing): Oh Danny Boy! I'm gonna whup yer noggin' in! [Logo, Commercial] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [OPEN ON: SOL desk. The Guard from the previous scene is now half in the bag, downing another of what seems to have been many glasses of whiskey with Gyps, who sort of stares at him as he clutches the bottle and blubbers.] GUARD: Could ya have any idea, how much pain an' heartache our locals went through when our wee Irish county was situated back on Earth? I mean, how can ya enjoy, sittin' in a neighborhood pub, hoistin' a pint of lager, burstin' out, (sings) "It's a long way, to Tip-per-ar-y!"- when the dang thing's just a few miles down the thoroughfare? We sounded like a bunch o'bloody loons! GYPSY: Oo! GUARD (close to tears): The shame... the humiliation! And you can't very well sing, (sings) "It's a pleasant ten minute drive, to Tip-per-ar-y! Past the strip mall on your left!" 'Cuz it just doesn't feel right. GYPSY: So you moved the whole county? GUARD (wistful): Got a cooperative agreement with Deep 13, and shot the whole lot into orbit! So everyone, everywhere, could sing with pride, that it truly was, a long way to go! (frowns) Then you showed up. GYPSY: Oh. Um... sorry? GUARD (shrugs): Eh. No bad. [Light flashes. The guard is terrified, points at it.] GUARD: AUGH! The faerie people! [Pearl enters. Startled, the guard turns, and his terror doubles.] GUARD: AUGH! A banshee! [The guard slides off his stool and beneath the desk.] PEARL (staring beneath the desk, disgusted): Hmph. Great. We got stereotypes. We'll have to spray. [Pearl hits the light.] [CUT TO: House of Pain. It's a dark, dank dungeon/mad scientist's lab, with Jacob's ladders and oscilloscopes and NASA-surplus panels of pretty blinking buttons. Bobo, Mike, and the bots are gathered around a worktable. They are all unkempt, crotchety, and very hungry. Except for Tom, who's wearing a white hard hat and holding a clipboard.] TOM: People! People, please! I call to order this first meeting of the Local Union 042 of Robots, Talking Apes, and Former Omnipotent Beings Locked in a Cavernous Dungeon By Evil Mike. MIKE: I still don't get why I'm not- TOM: Mr. Nelson! Need I remind you, you're still a contract employee? MIKE: You wrote that contract ten minutes ago! And it's just "Crow is a dink" typed out a hundred times and signed! By Crow, I might add. (to Crow) What were you thinking? TOM: Now, can we start with a quick Brain Guy update? CROW: Uh, brain still missing. Intelligence still falling. Now thinks he's a local weatherman. [Brain Guy pops his head right into a close-up, smiling ridiculously.] OBSERVER: Ha! You think it's bad thinking you're a local weatherman, Katy? What if you are a local weatherman? Ha ha ha! Like me! Ha ha ha! Which I am! And speaking of bad segues... [Bobo conks him on the head with the clown hammer. Observer swoons, and falls out of shot.] TOM: Quite. Now, a report from Tom Servo on the dungeon's food supply. (Tom clears his throat.) Thank you, Tom. Since the dawn of time, man's existence has- CROW (muttering over): Booo-ring! Booo-ring! TOM: Mr. Robot, I will have order! (to himself) Thank you, Mr. Servo. (to himself) Not at all. Please continue. (to himself) Thank you! Herewith, listed in order of edibility and nutrient value, is the food supply available within our confinement. [PAN over each item, arranged in a row on a table, as Tom mentions it.] TOM: One fruit roll-up. It unrolled some time ago, so it's now basically a chunky purple piece of cellophane wrap. [The group shudders. Pan over to next item, a small pile of brightly- colored pills.] TOM: Some pretty M&M's I found in a zip-lock beneath Eddie's bed. MIKE (picking up a pill, examining): Do they make pink M&M's? CROW: Not in caplet form, I don't think. [PAN back to group.] TOM: Crow. MIKE: Oh come on! CROW: He's just saying my name, Mike. TOM (pleasantly): No no. You're food option three. CROW (confused): Oh. What? TOM: And finally, as a last resort... [PAN to last item.] TOM: Chicken McNuggets. [Bobo jumps up, frantic.] BOBO: We're doomed! DOOOOOMED! MIKE: Bobo! Bobo, settle down! We can still make it! BOBO: But how! MIKE: Easy! Cooperation! CROW: Cooperation? What's that? MIKE: Why, cooperation is the biggest, bestest, brightest drop of sunshine ever to fill a little kid's lunch box! TOM: So... some kind of snack cake? A new Lunchable flavor? [Mike grabs Observer from the floor and puts him in Bobo's hands.] MIKE: See, Bobo here, 'cuz he's big and strong, can carry Observer around to various parts of the dungeon, and when he gets near his brain, he'll get smart again and get us out of here! BOBO (slow to comprehend): Hwong? MIKE: Meanwhile, Tom and Crow, since they're robots and mechanical with sharp points and destructive personalities, can try to take apart the dungeon door! CROW: Hey, that would be kinda fun, Tommy! Some mindless vandalism, just like the SOL days, huh? MIKE: And since my only talent is screwing things up, I'll just cower in the corner beneath a work stool until one of you comes and gets me! BOBO: Why- it all fits together, doesn't it? TOM: Yeah! Each person, doing the thing they're best at, for the good of the group! MIKE: Cooperation! ALL (nodding in unison): Mm, hmm! [INSERT: Placard, reading "4.7 SECONDS LATER..."] [CUT BACK: Bobo is chewing on an arm he has ripped off Crow. Crow, crying like a baby, is pinned on the table by Bobo's foot. Tom is urgently calling for order. Mike fights to pull Bobo away, Bobo is fending him off with his free hand.] MIKE: For the love of god, ape! BOBO: Mmbg! Get your own! Get- [In the struggle, Mike pushes Bobo against a big blue button on a console. A warning siren goes off, lights flash. All stop and stare at Mike.] MIKE: Uh-oh. [CUT TO: SOL. The gang looks at Mike, Pearl very intently.] PEARL: Uh-oh, WHAT?! [CUT TO: House of Pain.] MIKE: Uh, Pearl- (laughs feebily) you're gonna get a real kick out of this... [CUT TO: SOL. CLOSE on Pearl.] PEARL: NEEEEL-SOOOON?! [CUT TO: House of Pain.] MIKE: We seem to have, maybe, possibly, sent you a probably harmless little fanfic based on the movie... "Labyrinth". [CUT TO: SOL. All are crying and screaming at the top of their lungs and clutching their heads.] [CUT TO: HoP.] MIKE: Oh, now, let's not overreact. I mean, "Labyrinth" was a pretty good movie, right? Jennifer Connelly was cool, and David Bowie... you know, didn't... well, suck. Much. TOM (looking at console readout): Hoo! Maybe, but this thing's some sort of crossover with "The Bugaloos"! And "H.R. Pufnstuf"! With a bad talk show thrown in to boot! Wow- a real crap smoothie, with no ice to serve it over. BOBO (eyeing the rest of Crow): Mmmm... smoothie. [Licking his chops, Bobo reaches below the desk and produces a blender. Oblivious, Mike and Tom continue to discuss the readout sotto voce.] CROW: Um... guys? [CUT TO: SOL. Gypsy, Scratch and Pearl are all dressed as leprechauns, with green hats, red beards and pipes.] PEARL: Man, I hate stereotypes. SCRATCH: I know. At least we treat the culture with respect. [The buzzer flashes.] GYPSY: 'Tis fiction sign, begum and begorrah! PEARL: Then to the theater! Where it's beer and potatoes for everyone! ALL: Huzzah! [All exit dancing with their arms planted firmly at their sides.] | 6 |... ( 5 )... [ 4 ]... > 3 <... = 2 =... / * \... [CUT TO: Theater. Pearl, Scratch, and Gypsy enter, still wearing hats. Magic voice (Madge), as always, is omnipresent.] GYPSY: That was going too far. We should apologize. SCRATCH: Nah, the producer's Irish. Don't worry about it. >The Adventures of goblins, >talk showhost, >bugaloos, >witchie-poos >and golden flutes named freddy >in the labrynth MADGE (as storyreader): Are you seated comfortably? Tough! SCRATCH: So that's it? Hm. Oh well! Kinda dull, but at least it was short! (rises to leave) PEARL (grabs Scratch by the horn): Get back here, you! SCRATCH (relenting): Owie! Owie! >Author: Mark Ogilvie > >Author EMail: mso@star.net MADGE: Sandra Bullock's ISP. GYPSY: MSO Starnet? Is he related to CPO Sharky? > >"Take two." the director said, snapping his fingers. GYPSY: Oo, we can hear the director. It's "Dateline NBC". PEARL (as "Dateline" director): Good show, everyone. Except for you, Tad. >The man beside him punched a button SCRATCH: How a seamstress relieves stress. > and instantly the small color monitor showed a very worried face. MADGE: Boy, the tobacco lawyers aren't even trying to hide their anxiety anymore. > Usually the director would linger on the face, for he always thought > Jenifer Bass quite beautiful. GYPSY: But he also thought using coke at age 28 was a "youthful indiscretion". > It was a plane Jane face he knew, [All snicker.] PEARL: She's not just a 10, she's a B-19! SCRATCH: She's not just a fox, she's a piper cub! > with small eyes, slightly pointed nose and flat mouth. GYPSY: She sounds like Thelma from Scooby Doo. MADGE: Yup, she's Hannah-Bar-beautiful! > All under near shoulder length brown hair that was cut in bangs just > above her eyes. But it was a face he often dreamed off as he slept > next to his wife. [All sputter guffaws.] SCRATCH: He "dreamed off" her face? With what, a vegetable peeler? MADGE (little kid): Can Jenny come out and flay? >"Take one." he snapped and the scene > changed again. PEARL: "Devil Fish" editing! > This time the monitor >showed most of the converted living room/studio. MADGE: Hey, they converted their living room into a fun and functional crappy Labyrinth crossover! GYPSY: And all for under $500! > "Tighten the shot." He growled. "I want the three on the couch." SCRATCH: With or without their faces? > Obligingly the camera zoomed in to frame Jenifer, dressed demurely as > usual in a blue dress, PEARL: Hm. She is truly unaware of how beautiful she is, that one. >her friend/co-host Angela dressed in a loose blouse and jeans, and the > well dressed young man waving a ceremonial knife infront of their >faces. MADGE: Looks like Mr. Director's dream is about to come true! GYPSY: So, there's a maniac brandishing a knife on camera, but we had to start with a look inside the mind of Humbert Humbert? > > "The study of Goblinology has been maligned for ages." the man said. SCRATCH: Yeah, most fictional doctorates run into that sort of thing. PEARL: It's Troy McLure's infomercial for the Garden Goblin! > > "Really?" Jenifer said, keeping her voice professionally courteous. > That a girl, the director thought. MADGE: Oh, what gave it away? > Pinned on the directors sheet was > the mans name, Brian Froud, SCRATCH: Hey! He's that guy from Turin I keep hearin' about. > and his occupation, a Goblinologist. MADGE: Huh. So, I guess a guy studying frogs is a polliwogologist? PEARL: And a professor studying hair is a follicle-oligist? GYPSY: I prefer students of Grammar Rock's tribute to adverbs. You know, LollyLollyologists? > When he had seen the occupation the director had been puzzled, until > he recognized Marty's handwriting. As soon as the director had seen > the man on camera he had called the police, the guy was too normal to > be normal. SCRATCH (sighing): Oy vey. You'd think after a hundred Normal Person History months, and making Ed Platt's birthday a national holiday, we'd get beyond this. PEARL: He's got nothing against normal people. He just doesn't want one marrying his daughter. > He wore a brown tweed suit, and a mustache. His voice was clipped > with an English accent. Any guy that Marty booked who looked that > normal was going to be trouble. GYPSY: Somebody call the NAANP! > "Number two get out of Angela's dress." the director snarled. [All growl and sigh. Gypsy shakes her head.] > The monitor on camera two had shown a close up of > Angela's ample cleavage. PEARL: So we should hate the cameraman? He didn't use the word "ample". > > "Just last week I was called crazy. Can you believe that?" MADGE (Froud): Just because my prices are so low! > > "No." Jenifer said, the knife hovering dangerously close to her nose. GYPSY: Dark Helmet is threatening to give her her old nose back! >"Two get me a head shot of Jenifer. SCRATCH: PK-SHEW! THUD! PEARL: Not that kind of head shot, you... >Take two." the director said, almost in the same breath. He was a pro, > if that knife was going into his stars face he was going to get a > shot of it. GYPSY: I'm confused. Is this black comedy, or just bad taste? MADGE: Since The Jerky Boys, who can tell? >"I can't even get grant money." Brian said, his voice sounding > pathetic even over the studio pick up mikes. "Is that fair?" > > "No." Jenifer and Angela said, almost at the same time. SCRATCH: Huh. Some talk show hosts. A pair of Magic Eight Balls would give a better interview! > The audience, sitting in the bleachers built into Jenifer's garage, > laughed. ALL: Huh? What? GYPSY: Maybe they just came over from watching "Suddenly Susan". Most things are funny when compared to "Suddenly Susan". SCRATCH: How high is Jenifer's garage anyway? (laughs) Bleachers! Feh! > "Why are they laughing?" Brian demanded. "Are they laughing at me?" > > "Take one." > > "No..." Jenifer stumbled. "It's ah. um..." > > "It's Jen," Angela said, leaning over her friend and closer to Brian. >"It's that funny way she has of talking." PEARL: You know, that way she says "no" and "um..." instead of forming coherent thoughts like a proper host? > "Get out of her chest number two." [All cry and moan.] MADGE: Misogyny! A cheap, pollution-free way to lower the quality of any piece of writing! > "Oh." Brian said, giving Jenifer a sympathetic look. > > "What else do you have to show us?" Jenifer asked, gently pushing > Angela back onto her side of the couch. > > "Well I have these." Brian said, SCRATCH: Get out of his pants, number two. >reaching into his bag. > > "Two give me a shot of whatever he pulls out of there. GYPSY: Suddenly I'm hoping it's a bag full of curare. Does that make me a bad person? PEARL: It makes you a robot on a vacuum hose. GYPSY: Oo. > Take two." > > The camera zoomed in and the screen was filled with two brass > bracelets. Intricately, exsquisitely carved in bass relief MADGE: Oh, that rock benefit concert for the fish in Lake Erie. > they showed women washing, sweeping or serving a host of strange > looking creatures. SCRATCH: The Royal Family's indentured servants, lovingly captured for all posterity in this limited edition collector's set. > > "Oh, those are...nice." PEARL: In a Roots/Beloved/Amistad kind of way. > > "These actually belonged the Goblin King's maid." > > "Really?" > > "Yes." GYPSY: You're kidding! SCRATCH: No! GYPSY: No! SCRATCH: Yes! > > "Here let me see those." Angela said. MADGE (snickering): Not exactly Charlie Rose, is she. SCRATCH: This makes "Ru Paul" look like "Point Counterpoint"! > > "Take one, two follow the bracelets." > > "It's an interesting story really," Brian said, PEARL: No, really! It may seem pointless and boring, but... > relaxing in his chair he toyed with the knife as he talked. "The maid > was actually from our world." GYPSY: Which meant her employer had to pay Social Security. And that was the Goblin King's downfall... > He leaned closer to her and Jenifer found herself again facing the > knife. MADGE: Strictly outpatient, though. Her health plan considers this an elective interview. > "Goblins always get their serving wenches from our world, our women > are always more pliable." PEARL: Now that this exposition is over, we return to our story, already in progress. > > "What?" Angela exclaimed. "The hell we are." SCRATCH (Angela): I'm as rigid as a frozen fishstick! > "Compared with Goblin women I mean." Brian said, quickly. "Anyway the > wench was a selfish girl who hated the fact that she had to look > after her little brother. GYPSY: She was 46 and he was 39. > But when the goblin king took him to his castle at the > center of a Labrynth she realized her parents would punish her if she > left him there." PEARL: So NATO began a prolonged bombing campaign to reduce the viability of the Goblin infrastructure. > > How can he talk that long without breathing, the director thought, > wondering if he should go to commercial before or after the lunatic > was done raving. GYPSY: Oh, come on, can't you see he's reaching out to you? Don't pull back now, you may never get another chance! > He decided to stay, Jenifer (bless her heart) looked > interested. MADGE: Camera two, get out of her ventricles. > > "So she went in and tried to get him. But by the time she got through > the Labrynth he had been turned into a goblin SCRATCH: She got through the Labyrinth? What's the point of havin' a Labyrinth if any Jane, Dick, or Mary gets through your freakin' Labyrinth?! PEARL: There comes a point where it's not so much a Labyrinth as a hallway with turns. >and she ended up cleaning up after him again." > > "Dumb kid should have left him there." Angela muttered. > GYPSY: I hear Fran Lebowitz got breast implants and died her hair blonde just so she could play this role. SCRATCH: Good for her. > "So how did you get these?" Jenifer asked, holding a bracelet in each >hand. > > "I traded a baseball card for them at a swap meet. [All titter in hysterics.] MADGE: Let's see, a priceless museum-quality artifact... that's gotta be worth what, two Kent Tekulves and a rookie Ed Kranepool? > It seems that a wandering knight freed the maid, GYPSY: At the swap meet? > but then she betrayed > him, and now he must wander the Labrynth for all time. SCRATCH: Doomed forever to roam past the Hummel figurines, second-hand auto tools, and poorly-built driftwood sculptures, never making eye contact with the vendors, never quite remembering where he parked the damn Taurus. > > "Why'd she do that?" > > "It's what women do, isn't it?" Brian said, bitterness evident in his >voice. PEARL: No, you're thinking of taking over the world and ruling you with an iron fist. Common mistake. [CUT TO: Logo, commercials.] --- End Part 1 --- E-mail us! pinkboybuffet@hotmail.com Next --- Home MSTing: The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy in the labrynth by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg --- Part 2 of 8 --- [OPEN ON: The theater. Pearl, Scratch, Gypsy and Madge continue riffing the story.] > "It's what my wife did when she told > me I could leave the hospital anytime I wanted." GYPSY: Well be fair, you only went in for a foot scraping. > Dropping the knife on the table the man slumped back into his chair. >"I showed her though, without me the aliens didn't come for Christmas >Supper." MADGE (as Director): CUT! Brian, you can't do your "I showed them. I showed them all!" bit without taking a dramatic pause! Work with me here! > > The doorbell rang. > > "I'll get it." Angela called, leaping off the couch SCRATCH: Camera two, get out of her futon. >before Jenifer could >even move. > > "Do people always drop in during one of your shows?" Brian asked. PEARL: Well it's not like anyone's at home riveted to their screens. > > "Sometimes yes," Jenifer said, starting to edge away from him. "It's > a hazard of doing your show out of a living room." GYPSY: This is a Gordon Elliot production, I can smell it. MADGE: The only way this show makes sense is if there's a man-eating grizzly with a random timer on its cage, and viewers are biting their nails waiting for the thing to spring free and maul the bastards. > > "It's the icecream you ordered Jen." A tall man in a white coat > entered the living room. SCRATCH (exasperated): Ice cream deliveries?! Goblinologists?! Cameras in dresses?! What the *hell*?! PEARL: What Dr. Leary Magic Kool-Aid Trip is this story *on*? > > "Two pan out and follow any fighting, one standby." > > "Your no icecream man!" Brian shouted. MADGE (man at door): Sir, please. If you'd just take a pamphlet... > "Your one of the devils who keeps locking me up!" He turned to > Jenifer. "You betrayed me! GYPSY (Jen): I'm a talk show host. You're confusing me with someone who has honor. > Well I'll show you!" Bending down out of camera range he grabbed > something off the table and threw himself on Jenifer. SCRATCH: Whoo-hoo! Courtship rituals of the wild loon! PEARL (nerdy voice): And this concludes our AlcAnon playlet, "It's Only An Intervention- What Could Possibly Go Wrong?". > The director's heart jumped > into his throat as he heard Jenifer's scream. Had that crazy man > plunged the knife into his Jenifer? Who would host the show? MADGE: Well considering the human Ouija boards you got hosting it now... > There was only one > way to find out. His voice trembling the director called; "Take two!" SCRATCH (sings): BOMP! Bah-da-dum! GYPSY (sings): It takes two to make a thing go right! SCRATCH: BOMP! Bah-da-dum! GYPSY: It takes two to make it out of sight! > > Jenifer Bass grunted as she and Angela set the couch down. SCRATCH: Is throwing the couch a good fighting tactic here? MADGE: Oh, they're superheroes, too. We forgot to mention. PEARL: The first half of the show they fight crime, then the villains come onto the set to talk about next week's plan for world domination! >Then she flopped down onto it and surveyed the wreckage that had been > her living room. GYPSY: OK. Scene change. I get it. SCRATCH: Time must've, like, passed or something. >A heavy sigh left her body and filled the room. > > "Now if your'gonna start that again I'm leavin." Angela said, handing > her a beer. PEARL (to story): I'm sorry, are we interrupting? 'Cuz we can come back later. > As usual a good brawl had her in good spirits. GYPSY: Angela must be one of those women who threw a punch in every Burt Reynolds barroom melee. SCRATCH: Get with the times. Even Tom Sawyer's Becky Thatcher is throwing punches in Hollywood these days. > And it had been a brawl, involving not only Jen and her guest but > the studio audience as well. "It's not that bad Jen, and you know > insurance will cover most of the damage." MADGE: If insurance companies covered damage done by television, they'd've gone under the second Aaron Spelling started producing! > "What about these?" Jenifer asked, holding up her wrist to show the > two bracelets. "I was really scared when he reached for that knife >Angela. PEARL: Next week, on Disjointed Dialogue Playhouse... > I >could have been killed." > > "Well you weren't were you?" Angela sat down beside her best friend. SCRATCH: And the ends justify everything, they do! >"And >you can have those things off tomorrow." MADGE: So, are these bracelets, or handcuffs, or what? > > "I'd have them off tonight if the Derby Locksmith and Shoeshine > company kept better hours." Jenifer complained, taking a gulp from > the bottle. SCRATCH: Locksmith. They're handcuffs. MADGE: Nah, she's drinking beer! They gotta be bracelets. SCRATCH: If they were bracelets they'd just get a tube of Vaseline and keep her wrists elevated! They're handcuffs! Say it! MADGE: No! > > "Well I hate to say I told ya so..." SCRATCH: Handcuffs! MADGE: Bracelets! > > "I know," Jenifer switched to an imitation of her friends southern >drawl: GYPSY: Hey, retroactive character development! "For those moments when actual writing just won't do." > "Never Let Marty Choose the Guest." she sighed again. "But after > Madona canceled at the last minute..." [All snigger.] SCRATCH: The goblin guy was the back-up for Madonna? So next week, it's J.D. Salinger or D.J. Jazzy Jeff? MADGE: Elie Weisel or Elle MacPherson? PEARL: Chief Justice Renquist or that woman who makes her eyes bug out? > she trailed off and leaned back, resting the bottle on her forehead. MADGE (harsh whisper): Bracelets. SCRATCH (same): Handcuffs! > "Yea, I know, better than nothing." Angela stood up and headed toward > the door. "I'll come buy tomorrow and help you clean up." GYPSY: Isn't that a Cole Porter tune? (sings) "And I, would buy, tomorrow! If you'd, be mine, today!" PEARL: Um... no. > > "Thanks." > > "You want me to stay with you tonight?" Angela asked, concern showing > in her voice. Jenifer didn't answer. SCRATCH: She must still be in "host mode". > > "You might need some help when the goblins come for you." > > "Ha Ha." Jenifer said, some of the tension easing out of her voice. PEARL: Retroactive plot points! When a well-considered story just ain't gonna happen. GYPSY (quickly): Retroactive-character-development-sold-separately. > > "We'll if they do come send em over to my house, a good fight puts me >in the mood." SCRATCH (wary): Are you sure this ain't another female growth fantasy? MADGE: Well, I used to be. > > Jenifer groaned at the Mae West impersonation and threw a cushion at > the already closed front door. PEARL (resentful): Yeah, that's right Mark. Write without pause, and backfill the meaning whenever you *damn well* feel like it. > The she laughed and went to bed. > GYPSY: The problem with converting your home into a television studio is, now you're sleeping in a television studio. SCRATCH: And that's just sad. > The sky over Living Island was calm with only a light breeze. MADGE: Relative humidity 33%, with a heat index of 89 degrees. Checking our Channel Three Storm-Track... >Joy used >the breeze to glide, enjoying the caress of air flowing over her wings > and around her body. [All shudder.] PEARL: Well, when life gives you lemons... > To anyone who saw her, Joy would have been mistaken for a fairy, and >indeed fairy's and bugaloos did share a common ancestry. SCRATCH: Under the phylum, "Squishable Things" > But bugaloos are much bigger than fairy's, Joy herself was a little > under five feet tall. Aside from the gossamer wings growing out of > her back she looked human. GYPSY: What is gossamer, anyway? MADGE: Cobwebs. GYPSY: Oh, ick! MADGE: That's why you don't ask how scrapple is made. >Joy had deep blue eyes that almost took a persons gaze away from the > rest of her face, which with it's pug nose and pert mouth could only > be described as: cute. PEARL: It's the Warner Sister Dot, now with gossamer fuselage and power takeoff! >Her hair was a light brown mop, bobbed short and her body slim. SCRATCH: As per her contract. Sid and Marty put a "Delta Burke" clause in there just in case. > She wore a > sleeveless cream colored blouse and a short skirt. Silver sandles on > her feet flashed in the sunlight. MADGE: Blinding her mid-flight, and forcing her into the dreaded "JFK Jr. Landing Spiral". > "We're almost there Freddie." Joy said, her voice ALL: Huh? GYPSY: Her voice what? > "That's good, I hope Jimmy wasn't too worried." the diamond encrusted > golden flute in her hand sounded anxious. PEARL: A puppet, a prop, or just a stupid plot device? *You* make the call! > "It hasn't been that long, I'm sure he just thinks that old witch has >you." SCRATCH: Oh, well as long as he isn't *worried*. Sheesh. > Freddie shuddered in her hand at the mention of his old foe. MADGE: Witchie-poo wasn't a foe, exactly. More like a bitter old clown who didn't know the circus had moved on. > Joy > held him tighter, not wanting to loose her grip. Freddie had been > captured by Witchie-poo, an evil witch. She had been flying him back > to her castle on her Vroom-Broom, when Pufnstuf, GYPSY: ...Professor Griff, Chuck D, and the rest of Public Enemy... > the draconian mayor of Living Island [All snicker.] SCRATCH: You think the double meaning even registers with Mark? MADGE: Hmm... tough call. > had summoned the West Wind. Witchie-poo had lost control of the > Vroom-Broom and lost her grip on Freddie. PEARL: Yes, Puff's secret weapon! Always make sure your antagonist is a BUTTER-FINGERED IDIOT! > Freddie had sailed on, passing from one wind current to the other GYPSY: Gravity is something that happens to other people. > until finally being deposited in Tranquility Forest. There both he > and Joy had been captured by Banita Bazzar. SCRATCH: Huh. MADGE: That'll happen. > They had escaped PEARL: Well I'll be. GYPSY: How very Joseph Campbellian. SCRATCH: The never-ending struggle between Good and Goofy! > and Joy promised to > take him home. GYPSY: Well, yeah, but *whose* home? What if Joy has one of those Kathy Bates-"Misery" deals going on? MADGE (Joy): I'll take good care of you, Freddie! I'm your number one fan! > > Joy flew along cautiously, normally she would have been too scared to > fly him back alone. MADGE: What with her bein' a girl and all. >But Banita was not the sort of person who gave up, and with the other >bugaloos away at a folk festival PEARL: They were last seen lighting pyres at Woodstock '99. SCRATCH: Incited by the satanic industrial nihilism of Kaptain Kool and the Kongs! >Tranquility Forest was no refuge. GYPSY: More of an "Angst Forest" then. >Still >Joy was worried, even with the Vroom-Broom out of action. SCRATCH: So at the first stiff breeze, the Vroom-Broom drops its tranny! PEARL: Must be a Chevy. > In the few encounters the Bugaloos had had with Witchie-poo in the > past, she had made it quite clear that she only liked them if they > were on a plate with an apple in their mouths. MADGE: Which I never quite got. I mean, they're essentially bugs, when you get down to it. GYPSY: Not a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, exactly. > A cloud passed overhead and Joy swerved back into the sunlight. A > large bat shot past her, his arms just missing her feet. SCRATCH: Bats don't have arms! PEARL: Well, bugs don't have feet. Whaddaya want on a kid show, uncensored truth? > "Stop!" the bat shouted, to himself or Joy she didn't know. [All laugh.] GYPSY: This is what happens when 90% of your brain is devoted to finding ears to buzz around in. > Another form dived out of the clouds, this time a large vulture. Joy > curved up, and the bird missed her by inches. > "That was Orson and Stupid Bat!" Freddie shouted. MADGE: To himself or to Joy? SCRATCH: We'll never know. > "They work for >Witchie-poo." PEARL: What? They work for poo? I've heard of low self-esteem, but- > "She has servants that can fly?" > "I forgot to tell you!" GYPSY (Joy): You set me up, you cheap dime store slide whistle! You're not even real gold, are you?! > "Hang on!" Joy shouted, stuffing Freddie down the front of her > blouse. [Scratch and Pearl laugh, Gypsy shakes her head.] SCRATCH (Freddie): Hey what the- a built-in flute holder? Hm, feels kinda nice! Jimmy should get a pair of these! >She didn't hear the flute's muffled "How?", because the bat came at > her again. PEARL (Joy): Oh, damn this citronella oil crap! I knew I should've stuck with deet! GYPSY: Pearl? You just suggested putting bug repellent on a bug. PEARL: So? GYPSY (sighing): Nothing. >Joy dived down, dropping almost to the tree tops. The vulture dropped >in behind her, making a grab for her feet, but Joy pulled above him >and stopped. MADGE: Then Joy ordered the transporter room to beam photon torpedoes directly into the flight path of the Tracke ships. > Just as she did Stupid Bat came at her again. Joy dove into the > trees, hearing the bat smash into a branch as he tried to follow her. GYPSY: "Ferngully 3: Oh, Back For More, Ay?" > Joy spotted > Orson above her and made a sharp right, hoping to loose him. Instead > she flew straight into a web. PEARL: Jack Webb! Who arrested her on an outstanding forgery warrant. > A big orange spider with multifaceted eyes was waiting for her. > Almost before she could cry out Joy was hopelessly entangled. MADGE: Proving again the very thin line between carefully planned battle tactics and imbecilic coincidence! SCRATCH: Wait, what's Tarantulus doin' here? When did this become a "Beast Wars" crossover? PEARL (looking at Scratch): Speaking of hopeless... > > Willemina W. Witchie-poo was in many ways a stereotypical witch. SCRATCH: She read Simone de Beauvoir, and made guys pay for the meal without putting out! > She was ugly, with pea-green skin, > a large pointy nose and a similarly pointed chin. The only way most > people could tell the nose from the chin was that the chin had a wart > on it. PEARL (getting angry): Perhaps the fact that one was above the other might *also* be a subtle clue?! > Her figure, though feminine, was hidden under dark ragged cloths and > a torn cape. GYPSY (sings shrilly): A cup of TEE-EA! A COO-KIE! And YOO-OOOU! > Her hair was rust red and she wore a black pointed hat. MADGE: Look, we *know* what Witchie-poo looks like already! SCRATCH: And I *never* needed to know about her feminine figure! Bluch! >When she smiled >most of her teeth were black. PEARL: Brit witch! >She smiled as Orson and Seymour the spider >brought Joy into the main room of her castle. SCRATCH: Yeah, their presence just brightens up a room, they do. GYPSY: No, "Joy". Capital "J". > Scared was too light a word for what Joy was feeling. Seymour had > her wrapped with webbing from head to toe. MADGE: Does this make Seymour a Webmaster? SCRATCH: Ha! Webmaster. (pause) I don't get it. > Her wings were numb and she > was starting to loose feeling in her arms and legs. The spider and > the vulture had made it clear that Witchie-poo wanted more than > Freddie Flute. She was also hungry. GYPSY (sings): Gimme a break! Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that bug-a-loo! > The two flunkies carried Joy to the foot of the witch and then > dropped her on the floor. "Where's my flute?" Demanded Witchie-poo. > "What flute?" Joy stammered. PEARL (witch): Oh. Well, never mind, you obviously don't know anything... > "Look you overgrown moth," MADGE: Overgrown *fairy*! GYPSY: Overgrown person of winged diversity! >Witchie-poo reached down and grabbed the >cocoon Joy had been sealed into, hauling her up so that the Bugaloo > and the witch were face to face. MADGE: So she grabbed Joy by the cocoon. That was all Mark had to say! > Joy felt her teeth wilt under the witches breath. "when I ask you >questions I better get answers." Her tone of voice changed to a parody > of kindness. "Now where's my little Freddy-kins?" > "I don't know?" Joy tried. PEARL (witch): Oh, drat! A counterargument! I hadn't planned on that. GYPSY (witch): Why did I agree on a Presidential debate format? I should stick with changing stuff into frogs! That's where my strengths lie. > Witchie-poo tried to let go of the bugaloo but her hand was stuck to > the webbing. She braced it with her other hand and pulled it free, > only to have the other hand get stuck. SCRATCH: The Wicked Shemp of the West. > Growling the witch pulled both hands free, letting Joy fall to the > floor. Taking rusty wand out from a pocket in her robes Witchie-Poo > raised both hands to cast a spell. "Clapp, snap, make sure this bug > is trapped!" MADGE: Joy groaned at the Dr. Seuss impersonation, and threw a pillow at the already closed witch. >From the four corners of the room the dust that covered most of the >furniture in the castle stirred and flowed. SCRATCH: Hey, guys, look! A full set of wicca furniture! (snickers) PEARL (to Scratch): You can be stuffed and mounted, you know. SCRATCH: Well, yeah. But not cheaply. It takes a craftsman. > It streamed toward the >fallen bugaloo as if sucked by a vacuum cleaner. GYPSY (sings): Nobody does it like you... Hoo-VER! > Mixing with Seymour's webbing to it flowed like quicksilver. When it > was over Joy's wings were clamped into a metallic harness that held > them awkwardly out from her back. The metal was inlaid with hundreds >of tiny spiders. More of it formed into chains that held her wrist >about a foot apart. "Haven't lost it." MADGE: Huh. And this is better than having her encased in sticky webbing... how? > Witchie-Poo grunted to herself, surveying her work. Hauling the > Bugaloo to her feet the witch snarled at her. "Now where's my flute?" PEARL (Joy, pathetic): What flute? I don't know? > "There it is, Chiefy." Orson cried, pointing to Joy's blouse. GYPSY: Lawsuit! > Witchie-poo took a closer look and saw Freddie's form pressing > against the fabric. [All snigger.] SCRATCH: Sometimes a flute is just a flute. MADGE: And then again... > "Should've known." she said, reaching in and grabbing the flute. GYPSY: True. She really should have. PEARL: First sign of Alzheimers. Soon, she'll be drawing Saturday night baths before remembering water melts her... SCRATCH: She'll look at snakes and wonder, was she about to change them into something, or did she just change some people into snakes? > Witchie-poo held him up to her ear. "Are you still in good voice my > little precious?" Freddie answered her with a loud, high pitched > squeal. MADGE: Eh. He's still better than Siouxsie Sioux. > Stunned the witch dropped him and covered her ears. SCRATCH: She has two weaknesses: sudden gusts of air, and noise! Other than that, she's a perfectly competent witch. > Joy lunged at the witch, grabbing both Freddie and the wand. Then she > shoved Witchie-Poo over and ran, vanishing into one of the corridors > leading to the interior of the castle. GYPSY (Joy): (run)... (pant)... (gasp)... Hey, look, Z-Brick! (gasp)... (pant)... > "Stop her you idiots!" Witchie-poo shouted. SCRATCH: To herself or to Joy? PEARL: We'll never know. > Orson and Seymour both started after Joy at once, running right into >Witchie-Poo. The three went down in a tangle of arms, legs and wings. PEARL: All the French children in the audience fall over in hysterics! > Joy turned a corner and crouched down against the wall, her heart > pounding in her ears. GYPSY: She's a bug. Shouldn't she be feeling the vibration of her heart through her leg bristles? > Behind her she could hear Witchie-poo, Seymour and Orson searching > for her. She tried to reach behind and undo the wing clamps SCRATCH (as Ed MacMahon): Wing clamps! PEARL (tearing an envelope, blowing into it, removing a paper): What was the best way to make Paul and Linda McCartney shut up? > but they held her > wings straight out from her back. MADGE: The sad thing is, Mark thought he was creating a "three- dimensional character". > That was too awkward an angle to reach. > "What do we do?" asked Freddie? GYPSY (Joy): Well, you generate conflict between the hero and the villain. Me... well, I like, fly around and stuff. > "I don't know, we have to find a way out of here." And quickly, Joy > thought. SCRATCH: Way to internalize that proviso, Bug-girl! > Bugaloos were not made for running. PEARL: These bugs were made for walkin'! > She was out of breath and her legs > felt like lead. GYPSY: You could scratch them with your fingernail? > A small spider dropped in front of her face and Joy > screamed and jumped back. MADGE (Joy, terrified): Augh! A tiny creature from a related species! SCRATCH: Don't you hate it when relatives drop in unexpectedly? Always at the worst possible time. > She hit heavily against a wooden door, spraining her wings. PEARL: Breaking her wings, more likely. SCRATCH: Yeah, gossamer's pretty, but it's brittler than fiberglass. > The door > opened a crack and moonlight streamed in through the opening. Joy > didn't know where the door led too and didn't care. With all her > might MADGE: With all her Mighty Mite might! > she pushed > it open and fell through. She fell onto a hard bricked surface. GYPSY: The X-Brick and the Y-Brick! MADGE: To go with the Z-Brick, you mean. PEARL: Yup, a full coordinate system is now in place. We can now pinpoint the exact place this fanfic sucks. > Getting up > Joy closed the door just as she saw Seymour coming toward it. She > heard him thump against it and desperately looked for something to > hold the door closed. SCRATCH: Hey, look, Smuckers! That'll make a great door *jam*! Ha! GYPSY: Eh, I was ex-*pectin* you would say that. SCRATCH: HA! You *preserved* the integrity of the joke! GYPSY: And did it *jelly* well! PEARL: Oh, stop it! Both of you! Christ! > Joy was in a small garden, one that had long been neglected from the > look of it. A birdbath was pushed on it's side, the trees were all > dead or sickly looking. MADGE: Oh, look, The Garden of Good and Evil! At high noon no less! > Rushing over to the birdbath Joy rolled it over to the door and > braced it with a rock. [All rise to leave the theater.] PEARL: Good thing Seymour's got the metabolism of a three-toed tree sloth. > The door trembled as it was pounded on from the other side. Joy ran > down the first path she saw, not wanting to be there when the door > gave way. > / * \... = 2 =... > 3 <... [ 4 ]... ( 5 )... | 6 |... [OPEN ON: SOL Bridge, desk. Now Pearl is reading "The Seven Habits of Highly Destructive People". Scratch and Gypsy enter, approaching her.] SCRATCH: Pearl? We're confused. PEARL (not looking up): And? SCRATCH (flummoxed): Oh. [Befuddled, Scratch and Gypsy go just off-screen, and huddle. We hear them whispering: "Maybe I wasn't specific?" "Let me try." "OK, good!" They re-enter.] GYPSY: Pearl? We're confused about *today's story*. PEARL (not looking up): So? GYPSY (despairing): Oo. SCRATCH: Well... MADGE (suddenly interrupting): Oh will you all just start the stupid sketch already?! PEARL (putting down book): Oh, you mean that deal where I explain about Living Island? SCRATCH (relieved): Yes! Yes! Living Island! The deal! Whatzit be? PEARL: It's very simple. Everything on Living Island is actually a living thing. The books are alive, the houses are alive. The stores and shops and boutiques, they're all alive! GYPSY: Even J.C. Penny's? PEARL (shrugs): Well, come on. They're magic, not miracle workers. MADGE: Well I say it's a crock! Leaving aside the biological impossibilities of how a solid metal object could respirate, what exactly are we defining as a "thing"? If my smartly tailored pants suit is alive, does that mean each of the buttons on it is alive, too? The belt? The inseam? The molecules of rayon and wool? PEARL: How could *you* have a pants suit? SCRATCH: Maybe they'd all meld together into one being. A geshtalt, if you will. GYPSY: But what about living ham? PEARL, SCRATCH and MADGE (staring at Gyps): Huh? GYPSY: Well, if I have a living ham, and I cut a slice off to make a sandwich, does the slice then become an individual, separate and distinct, with its own voice and viewpoint? MADGE: Yeah, and if I smother it with living mustard, add a piece of living cheese, and put it between two slices of living bread, does it immediately subsume its newfound independence to the new entity that is the living sandwich? And does its character change if I add pickles? SCRATCH: Um, wait- doesn't the living ham feel it when you cut it up? I mean, ick! It would be like being flayed alive! GYPSY: And didn't the ham have to be baked? Lordy- do cooks really have to put living pieces of meat in 400 degree ovens, and hear their tortured wails resonate throughout the kitchen for sixty unbearable minutes? PEARL: Worse! The meat comes out- still alive! [Musical sting!] SCRATCH, MADGE and GYPSY (flinching in horror): Oh, no! PEARL: Oh, yes! [Creepy background music starts to play, and camera starts to close in on Pearl as she continues.] PEARL (menacing): That's why there are no chefs on Living Island. They've all been driven mad- mad!- by the constant fear that one day, during the murky, sinister hours of twilight, the dishes they have cooked will return... creeping up the hall stairs... slipping through a crack in the door... then stealthily up to their beds... electric carving knife in hand... ready to wreak their sweet, sweet revenge! [Music stops. Light flashes.] PEARL: So who's for burgers? [Scratch, Gyps and Madge nervously decline.] [Logo, commercials.] --- End Part 2 --- E-mail us! pinkboybuffet@hotmail.com Next --- Previous --- Home MSTing: The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy in the labrynth by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg --- Part 3 of 8 --- [OPEN ON: The theater. Pearl, Scratch, and Gypsy enter the theater.] GYPSY: So what about robots? Are they alive? PEARL: Robot? Who'd make a talking machine when the machines are already talking to you? SCRATCH: Living Island's not exactly great for "alone time", is it? > " Open that door!" Witchie-poo shouted. MADGE (sarcasm): Oh, I guess Missus Poo never heard of a little spell called "please"! > "We can't Witchie-poo," Orson replied, "she must have it braced on >the other side." GYPSY: Door Bracer! MADGE (sings): Byyyyyy, MEN-nen! > "Well get something to batter it down with!" Witchie-poo shouted, >hitting him on the beak. SCRATCH (Poo): Go look through my wicca baskets! PEARL (maliciously twisting his ear): I told you no! SCRATCH (whimpering): OK! OK! Owie again! >"Do I have to think of everything around here?" PEARL: You know, maybe the door swings open to the inside? Did you think of that? >Both Seymour and Orson ran down the corridor. "And hurry up, that door >leads to the Labyrinth, MADGE: You can tell by the way it has no lock and serves no useful purpose. > if that over stuffed Jareth gets hold of either of them I'll never >see my flute again!" GYPSY: So why does Witchie-poo have a door to the Labyrinth? SCRATCH: I think it's like a time share? In August they swap it for a door to Vale? > > Jenifer had woken out of a sound sleep to find her bed crowded with > small shadowy forms. PEARL: Hey! You cat lovers out there? Sunday morning, 5:00 A.M.? Sound familiar? > Panicked her first impulse had been to get out of the bed. >She had launched herself upward only to be caught by the sheets. [All snicker.] >Bundled >up in them and with a rolled up TV guide stuffed into her mouth, MADGE: Man, I know irony gets rammed down your throat, but I've never seen it done so literally! > Jenifer had been carried along for what seemed like hours. Now, after >a long and uncomfortable trip Jenifer was rolled out of her bedsheets >and dumped on the ground. GYPSY: I'm sorry, I blinked. Did I miss the kidnapping? SCRATCH: Yup! And a whole Ratliff battle sequence, too! It was cool! GYPSY (downcast): Oo. > She spat the tv guide out of her mouth and lay there for a moment, a > bit dizzy. PEARL: Oh, back to normal, then! > There seemed to be no ground beneath her, at least no ground she > could feel. MADGE: But they just *dumped* her on the ground! GYPSY: Oo, I never liked the ground anyway. Always getting underfoot. > "You hardly look fitting for a maid." A smoothly insolent voice >remarked. PEARL: Thanks, you hardly look fitting for an actor! >Jenifer looked up to see a tall thin man, with moused blond/brown hair >standing a little bit away from her. GYPSY: Oh, no, it's that guy from "Laserblast"! > He was wearing skin tight grey pants with knee length black boots. A >ruffled shirt, tight waist coat and short black cape, fastened at his >neck with a diamond clasp, completed the picture of elegance. SCRATCH: Boy, the new Dr. Who's a bit of a fop. > His face was thin, angular and his eyes a cold grey. This was Jareth, >King of the Goblins. MADGE (Jareth, campy): King? Not hardly, dearie. > A small smile on his face he gazed intently at her. Jenifer, wearing > a pair of green, Chinese style pajama's flushed scarlet. PEARL (Jareth): Heh-heh. My little China girl! > "I am not your maid." she said, standing up quickly and facing him. MADGE: Oh, good, the ground's back! I missed it! > "Pity there's only one of you," Jareth said, ignoring her, "but I >suppose you'll just have to work harder." GYPSY (Jareth): Thus I give you your maid name- Avis! > "Hey! Excuse me. I said I am not going to be your maid. PEARL (Jen): As a talk show host, I can't clean your mess. I just put it on TV and have my audience shout at it. >Who are you anyway?" > > "I am Jareth," he said with a small bow, "lord of this domain. SCRATCH (Jareth): And by domain, I mean your knickers. > And as long as you, Jenifer Bass, wear those," he indicated the >bracelets, "you are mine to do with as I will. And I will you to be >the maid of my castle, to cook, clean and sew." MADGE: "And so"? And so what? GYPSY: No, "sew", see? MADGE (as an old Mexican): "Sew". SÌ. > > "You know who I am?" > > "Of course I do." SCRATCH (Jareth): You're that crazy chick with the talk show who can't talk. > He came toward her, his voice very much like the purr > of a cat. PEARL: Meanwhile he's ignoring the goblin holding the door open for him to go out. GYPSY: And turning his nose up at the food he just spent an hour begging for. > > "Occasionally I like to look into the mortal world." He snapped his > fingers and a small goblin ran over to them, holding a parchment. The > goblin looked a little like a junkyard dog, or a Disney character > fallen on hard times. SCRATCH: Oh, a Sid & Marty Krofft creation! > "Jenifer Bass." he read. "Married, but separated, no children, no > active sex life..." > > "Hey!" Jenifer protested. ALL: BOOOOO! PEARL: Goblins and Ken Starr seem to hold similar interests. Not that I'm saying there's a connection, of course. Just an observation. > The goblin ignored her. > > "Talk show host, syndicated, last rating was 2.5. MADGE (goblin): Sixth in her time slot, behind PAX's "Very Special Salute to Michael Landon". > Psychological profile indicates strong need to be liked, also strong > maternal instincts." > > "Perfect for a maid." Jareth said, taking the parchment and looking > it over. GYPSY: Perhaps the ability to *clean* might be a better qualification? > > "I am not a maid!" Jenifer growled. > > "Oh I know." Jareth said, scanning down the parchment. > > "Infact you haven't been since..." [All chuckle and moan.] MADGE: Jeez. Pauley Shore gets more respect than this character. > > "Give me that." Jenifer demanded, snatching the parchment. SCRATCH: Man, when did Howard Stern start a temp agency? > It dissolved in her hands. > > "I know who you are Mrs. Jenifer Bass." Jareth said., GYPSY: Well, yeah, we established that. > With one finger he reached over and brushed Jenifer's hair off of her >forehead. MADGE: Lawsuit! > "I have watched your show from time to time. I know that most of the > guest make you feel small. PEARL: Most of the guest. The bits above the knees. > I know that you hope your husband will someday return, not because > you have any love for him, but because you need someone to take care > off. GYPSY: This may be presumptuous, but it sounds like Jenifer just needs a pet. > You > let your brother-in-law stay in your driveway for that same reason." SCRATCH: Under a nice, warm, pavement-colored blanket. PEARL (Jen): Make sure you tuck your head in, sweetie. SCRATCH (in-law, clueless): But can't I have a pillow? PEARL (Jen): My good pillows on that filthy driveway? > Jenifer desperately wanted to talk, but Jareth's voice and movements > were hypnotic. MADGE: He's the goblin equivalent of Gregory Hines! > She felt a part of herself begin to wan under the truth of his > words. PEARL: Her hair, mostly. > > "I know you lay in bed alone at night and dream of ways to make your > existence more exiting." he paused and smiled. GYPSY: She's a talk show host who fights in her living room! How much more excitement does she want? > "And I know, that you know you will never, ever do anything to make > those dreams a reality. SCRATCH: Oh, I don't know. Her dream to meet an effeminate glam-pop has-been seems to be progressing nicely! > All this I know, and more." > > The Goblin King had been walking around her as he spoke, and now he > came full circle and faced her again. MADGE: Retroactive staging! When planning ahead is just too hard! > Again his fingers reached for her forehead. > > "No!" Jenifer shouted, batting his hand away with one hand even as > her other made a fist and socked him in the jaw. PEARL: Yup, this is where all that talk show training starts paying off big time. GYPSY: Oo, so many people who bought "Tin Machine" are standing up and cheering right now... > Jareth stumbled back a few steps, more surprised than hurt but it was > Jenifer who fell down. For a few moments neither of them spoke. > "A maid with spirit." Jareth said, SCRATCH: Blue Nun! > and there was a smile in his eye as he said it. > "I am not a maid!" Jenifer shouted, jumping to her feet. MADGE (Jen): I'm Laila Ali! > > "Oh I know." The voice was back to a purr and Jenifer's face became >scarlet once more as she realized what he meant. PEARL: Eh. Double entendres don't really make it as running gags. > "Mrs. Bass," Jareth said, becoming very business like, "by the law of >this land you are mine to do with as I will." GYPSY (Jareth): And I will you to trade me your Pokemon! > he paused then added; "At least as far as employment matters are >concerned. If you refuse my employ then you will be an outlaw in this >land." MADGE: Lordy, these right-to-work states are tough. > "So what does that mean?" Jenifer demanded, trying to make her voice >sound patronizing. SCRATCH: That's *matron*izing! > "You'll lock me in a dungeon?" > "Not at all, my dungeons have no unwilling guest. PEARL (Jareth): In fact they have two stars in the latest Michelin guide. >It means I will not protect you." > It took a moment for his words to sink in. GYPSY (Jen): Um... "dungeon"... that's like, a crab, I think. >A cold breeze, or it might have been the mummer of laughter [All snicker.] > from the >goblins around them made Jenifer shudder. She couldn't really see the >goblins, only hear them. SCRATCH (goblin): So, Roy! Still a goblin? MADGE (Roy): Yup. You? SCRATCH (goblin): Pretty much. > Infact she couldn't see much of anything except Jareth. Every time > she tried to focus on something besides him the grey mist would rise > and obscure it. But everything around her suggested menace. PEARL: So. Menace, anyone? GYPSY: How could you even suggest menace at a time like this? PEARL: Well, you know. The mist and all. > > "I am not a ma... a domestic." Jenifer said firmly. > > "Very well." PEARL (Jareth, clapping twice): Domesticate her! >Jareth bowed and stepped backward, the mist rising as he moved. "But >should you ever feel the need of food, shelter or clothing MADGE (Jareth): Get stuffed! >my castle lies in the center of the Labrynth. There also lies your >only way home." GYPSY: Except for the exits, over here, over there, and round here. Plus the fire escape. > > With those words the Goblin King and his goblins faded into the mist >as the mist faded into the dawn. SCRATCH: And the dawn faded into Cheez Wiz. And then things got kind of disturbing... >Jenifer found herself standing next to a high stone wall. It stretch >from one end of her horizon to the next. GYPSY: Oo, *Great Wall* of China Girl! >looking away from the wall she could see only desert. Beneath her bare >feet was cold stone. PEARL: -Steve Austin! SCRATCH: A man barely alive? MADGE: Get your head out of the seventies, pawn. > > The throne room of Jareth the Goblin King was an unholy mess. SCRATCH (Bowie singing): I'm a *mess* without... GYPSY: I thought goblins were nondenominational? >Empty boxes were strewn around, food that had been left out for > centuries sat on tables. Goblins big, small, medium, alive or dead >lay sleeping, gaming or fighting. PEARL: Well except for the dead ones. > In the center of it all sat Jareth, for once not minding the clutter > or decay. MADGE: But that gaming has gotta stop! >In his hand a transparent ball showed the host of "My Talk Show" > climbing the outer wall. GYPSY: Tom Green? > A little more he thought, as she reached for another handhold. >Jenifer's hand closed around a brick and she tested it for firmness SCRATCH: Nah, still not done. Back on the grill! >before putting her weight on it. Jareth smiled and the mortar holding > the brick suddenly turned to paste. PEARL: Which Jen then tried to *eat*, no doubt. > The ball gave no sound but the look on the talk shows face [All snigger.] MADGE (Jen): I *am* the show! >as she fell >was enough. "That's the fifth brick you've dislodged Mrs. Bass," > Jareth whispered, "surely even your not stubborn enough to try >again." PEARL: Well, sure. She dislodges enough, there isn't a wall anymore. GYPSY: Like Atari's "Breakout"! > In the ball Jenifer climbed to her feet and hurled the useless brick >against the wall. MADGE: The one made of paste, you mean. GYPSY: She's the dreaded batter pudding hurler! > The started to climb once more. MADGE: By the way, she's climbing the wall. SCRATCH (resentful): I know. MADGE: That means that they're bracelets. SCRATCH (same): I *know*. MADGE: That means I win. SCRATCH: I KNOW! MADGE (happy): As long as we're clear. > Jareth could see muscles tensing under the pajama's and for a moment > the thoughts of the Goblin King turned in another direction. [All fall on the floor laughing.] PEARL: Towards women's soccer and a black sports bra! > > "Sire." > > Jareth did not stir nor say a word to Krun's entreaty. GYPSY: Since he wasn't a paid stud horse. > He knew who it was of course. Everyone in his palace was known to him > ad nauseum. MADGE: That's Latin for "through the personals". > That was actually the problem, everything was known to him. Like all >truly immortal beings Jareth had faced his share of foes. Hero's, >Knights, Wizards and more. SCRATCH (odd little man voice): Hi! I'm the theater owner. Since Jareth's prattling on again, let me take this time to ask you to donate to the Will Rogers Institute! > He had faced them all and for the most part won. But that had been > long ago, when the worlds of fairy and man were close. PEARL: When they giggled during homeroom and shared chewing gum. > But now the cosmic waves > that moved worlds like so much driftwood at sea had pushed Earth and > Fairy Land apart. The father apart GYPSY: - was Julius Erving! >they drifted the more the Goblin King began to face another foe. A foe >Jareth could neither defeat, nor surrender too. ALL: BOREDOM! >Boredom. MADGE: Oh. GYPSY: Oo. SCRATCH: Don't *I* feel foolish. > It laid down with him at night and woke with him in the morning, PEARL: It raided the fridge and left its dirty underwear on the floor. > it made > the air seem stale and the food a mere paste that coated his tongue > and soured his stomach. MADGE: Ew, horseradish! SCRATCH: Mm, horseradish. > In ages past Jareth would not have even bothered with Jenifer Bass. > She was no maiden, nor was she a great beauty for him to seduce. But >she was here. GYPSY: Seinfeld. The paragraph about nothing! > > Jareth was about to turn the brick Jenifer was holding onto into a > large bar of chocolate when he realized Krun was still standing > beside him. PEARL (Krun): Hey! (snaps fingers) Ground control to Major Tom! Snap out of it! > The > distraction was enough for Jenifer to finally get to the top of the > wall."What." the Goblin King growled, letting the spell ball > dissolve. Krun shook a little at his masters tone but otherwise held > his ground. MADGE (Krun): Um, while you were ruminating? The girl escaped. And got married. And had a kid. And he growed up, and he's here, and in leather, and he wants to kick your ass. > This bothered Jareth, there should be no goblin who did not quake > with fear of him. SCRATCH: Oh, the goblin version of the Giuliani administration. > But Krun was a wizened old goblin who was chief of the guard. He was > one of the very few who remembered the days before Jareth's rule. GYPSY: Is that the one where processor power doubles every two years? >This stuffed >the goblin with his own importance, PEARL: -wrapped him in bacon, and slowly roasted him over a cracklin' hickory fire! >and over the past few centuries his >hubris had begun to annoy Jareth. MADGE: So... the author can't spell the word "of", or make proper use of "too" and "your"... but the word "hubris" he can flash around like a Rolex! > > "The door to Living Island has been opened!" PEARL: So, somebody opened a door. Whoa-ho, good work Krun! Next time someone leaves the *toilet seat up*, we'll know who to turn to! *Jeez!* > Witchie-Poo sniffed the air and dug her toes through the worn soul of >her boot SCRATCH: The "soul" of her boot? GYPSY: Well, you know. Living Island, living boots. SCRATCH: Wha-hey! Could it be Mark intended that double meaning? I mean, could this story actually be *clever*? PEARL: It's worth thinking abou-*NO!* > and into the rock. It had been ages since she'd been out of her own >domain. MADGE: That would be ".hex", I believe. > The witch felt the subtle differences in the fabric of reality and it >was not a pleasent feeling. PEARL: For in the Labyrinth, the fabric of reality was burlap. >Hovering in the doorway Seymour and Orson did not even dare to speak. > > "Well, well." She turned and faced the Goblin King and for a moment > that stretched into a minute witch and goblin watched each other. SCRATCH (Jareth, nasty at Poo): I'm more of woman than you'll *ever* be! > As power went they were equal, GYPSY: But Jareth had more top 40 hits. > but Witchie-Poo knew that Jareth had the home ground advantage. MADGE: Wow, the ground really negotiated a good part for itself after that little disappearance earlier. SCRATCH: Mm. Sometimes you have to take a step back to move forward. > Jareth for > his part wondered if, with the world of man drifting away, if the > fairy kingdoms would fall upon each other. It had happened before, > and of late he had seen signs it would happen again. SCRATCH: So Pearl? If we collect, like, ten hideously written paragraphs that have absolutely nothing to do with the plot, do we get a free sub at Subway or something? PEARL: Sure. You didn't get your card when we came in? SCRATCH (jaw dropping): There were *cards*?! PEARL (holds up card): Ten stamps, free sub. Got me two stamps already. SCRATCH: Aw, man! I didn't know about that! It's not fair! GYPSY: Oo, take mine, Scratch. They give me gas anyway. SCRATCH: Really? Cool! Thanks Gyps! > > "What do you want fancy pants." the witch snarled. MADGE (Jareth): Madam, *you* came to *me*? > > "That should be my question to you." Jareth answered calmly. He > gestured at the wood splinters on the ground. "Doors are expensive >you know." GYPSY: Fairyland must be the only place without a Home Depot. > > "Yea, I know." Witchie-Poo muttered. "But so's a good meal. PEARL: Or a Boston Market, apparently. > My spider there caught a bugaloo SCRATCH (Bowie): Your spider? Is he from Mars? I might have fronted for his old man! >and then let her get away." > > "A bugaloo?" Jareth asked, though it was not a question. MADGE: Well then WHY DID YOU PUT QUESTION MARKS ON IT AND WRITE THAT HE 'ASKED'?! GYPSY: Oo, calm down Madge. It's only a story. MADGE: Oh, it just makes me mad, is all. > Indeed he did not so much speak the word as he savored it. > > "My bugaloo tight pants." Witchie-Poo snapped. SCRATCH (Poo): My Official Bugaloo bicycle pants I bought at Sports Authority! >"My lacky caught her, I'm gonna eat her." > Jareth smiled and the witch stood ready, for she knew that smile of > old. >"Well then do be careful, for more than one of our kind has lost her > way in my Labrynth." GYPSY: Isn't it 3M-Continental Airlines Labyrinth by now? > > For an answer Witchie-Poo let loose the same laugh that had so often > terrified the creatures of Living Island. PEARL: But you could say the same for an air compressor, so don't read too much into that. >"Me? Get Lost?" she laughed again. "Just stay out of my way fancy > pants!" MADGE: Jeez, what is it with her and his pants? It's not healthy! > > Jareth smiled, bowed and vanished. > > "Orson, Seymour get over here." Both the spider and the vulture > rushed over to Witchie- poo SCRATCH (as TMBG): Spi-der! GYPSY (same): He is our hero! SCRATCH: Spi-der! GYPSY: Get- *rid* of- > and she harshly rapped each of them on the head > and the beak with her wand. MADGE: Mm, spider beaks! Not much meat, but good eatin'! > > "What was that for chiefy?" Seymour wailed. > > "Because I felt like it." Witchie-Poo barked. PEARL: Wow, they've got all the comic timing of Abbot and Costello... 's *lifeless, maggot-riddled corpses!* > > "What are we going to do oh glorious one?" SCRATCH (Poo): Ah, violence-induced veneration. Gotta love it! PEARL: You see, this is all I ask. Someone to talk to me like this. Is it really such a big thing? > > "We aren't going to do anything you moth eaten pigeon." MADGE: Moths eating pigeons?! Witches eating bugs?! What drunken random number generator spat out the food chain on this island? >she snarled, >stressing the first word. "I'm going after my flute. You two stay hear >and make sure no one goes through that door. I smell a rat in tight >pants. GYPSY: Stuart Little! > Now call out the guard and do what I tell you!" SCRATCH (Orson): Um, Poo, we don't *have* a guard. That requires money, which would mean you were doing something other than chasing a useless yellow woodwind 24-7. > She smacked each of them > one more time and then took off, raising an evil smelling cloud of > dust in her wake. MADGE: Her wake? SCRATCH: She's dead! Hail Dorothy! The story's over! Run for it, guys! PEARL (grabbing his horn): Get back here, coward. SCRATCH (wincing): Ouch! Leggo. Please. > > Jenifer moved the squares on the giant cube as quickly as she could, > every so often sparing a glance at the door. The cube had numbers > instead of letters, but she knew the rules of the puzzle readily > enough. Get all the ones on one side, all the twos on another side > and so on. GYPSY: Uh-huh. So Jareth is centuries old, but his Labyrinth runs on annoying geek fads of the eighties! > This was the fourth door she had faced since she had managed to get > over the wall. The first one opened easily to her touch, and she > nearly fallen into a pit of spikes. PEARL: Mulligans, Lees, Joneses... > The second one had a face carved into it and would only agree to open >after an hour long session of knock-knock jokes. SCRATCH (door): Knock-knock! MADGE (Jen): Who's there? SCRATCH (door): A pajama-clad idiot. MADGE (Jen): A pajama-clad idiot wh- hey! > The third one had sung so beautifully and so hypnotically that > Jenifer barely noticed when it stretch a clawed hand toward her neck. > That fight had left her with splinters and a determination that no > door was going to stop her again. GYPSY: If she's strong enough to splinter doors, why's she even bothering with the puzzles? PEARL: When she gets out of the Labyrinth, maybe she can do a guest spot on "Martial Law"! > But this door was in front of her, the sun and the light were fading > fast and Jenifer was dead tired. > "Darn it I'm not going to give up." Jenifer announced. SCRATCH: She's got *spunk*! I *hate* spunk! >The door was not >impressed. It merely stood in her way. > > Angrily Jenifer manipulated the cube again. MADGE (Jen): Damn! These one-sided cubes are the hardest ever! >A few minutes later the puzzle was done and the door opened. Jenifer >grunted in satisfaction and walked through. PEARL (grunting): Ergh-ergh. Jen satisfied. Ergh. GYPSY: Oh, no, the next door is guarded by one of those troll dolls! And a Pet Rock! > Once through the door dazzling sunlight blinded her. The temperature > went up fifty degrees, the ground beneath her feet suddenly sloped > away MADGE (Jen): I wonder if I should check for *TRA-A-A-A-A-A...!* > and with a surprised yelp Jenifer rolled down the hill and into the > lake. Ice cold water chilled Jenifer to the bone and she desperately > tore her way out of the water and on to the shore. SCRATCH: Jareth's beta testing some of the rides for Henson's "Gonzo World" theme park in Orlando. PEARL: Here's your E ticket to hell, kid. > Coughing she looked around. She was sitting on the shore of a small > lake. Apple trees were all around, shading most of the lake from the > hot afternoon sun. It was too much for Jenifer and she fainted. [All chuckle.] GYPSY: Yeah, I thought she was running rich. Fiddle with the choke and try starting her up again. MADGE: Tae-Bo-ing a magic door to splinters, no problem. Confront her with a set from the Wizard of Oz, however! [Logo, Commercials] --- End Part 3 --- e-mail: pinkboybuffet@hotmail.com Next --- Previous --- Home MSTing: The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy in the labrynth by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg --- Part 4 of 8 --- [OPEN ON: Theater. Pearl, Gypsy, Scratch, and Magic Voice continue riffing.] > Jareth watched as Seymour and Orson, along with twenty or so guards >fanned out in a pyramid shape from the door. SCRATCH: Hey, look, male cheerleaders! And they're led by Trent Lott! Neat! >Here perhaps was a way out of his boredom. A way far beyond Mrs. > Jenifer Bass. PEARL: But then, cotton swabs are far beyond Jenifer Bass! > Living Island, with it's talking trees, dragon's of mayoral rank and > owls of giant intellect, MADGE: Was a source of cheap labor for Chrysler's overseas production. > now there was a challenge. And beyond Living Island was the > possibility of Tranquility Forest. GYPSY: And then, Big Rock Candy Mountain! > If indeed the fairy were about to enter into an age of war Jareth had > no intention of waiting around to be attacked. But he was also not > going to attack, not yet anyway. SCRATCH: First he wanted to call Ed and Maddy, see if they were doing anything. > > Krun was assembling the goblin kings own guard, and like any good > general Jareth had no intention of fighting himself. GYPSY: Oo, he really *is* his own worst enemy. > Smiling the Goblin King faded > into the mist. PEARL: The Cheshire Cat!Ö couldn't make it, so let's watch this cluck. SCRATCH (whispers): Pearl, could you stamp my card, please? PEARL: Sure. (Pearl stamps Scratch's card.) > > Joy crouched in the thorn bushes, trying to make herself invisible. PEARL (resentful): Copycat! MADGE (Joy, straining): Ungh... ergh... OK, I'm a little translucent now, I think... > In > her hand Freddie didn't so much as hum. A squad of goblin knights, > fully armored and armed milled about in the clearing. SCRATCH: They're waiting for some Magic geek to put'em in a Sligh deck. > She had been resting and > only heard them at the last minute. The silver and gold rosethorn > bushes had offered the only refuge. PEARL (wistfully): Man, I love this Labyrinth. There are so many wide- open spaces, the kids can run around, you can just lay a picnic blanket down and watch the sun set... > > A messenger ran up and said something to one of the knights. GYPSY (messenger): I thought you guys were gonna be in white satin! And now you're reaching the end! What gives? > He barked an > order and they quickly formed into a column and galloped away. "That > was close." SCRATCH: We almost got involved in the story there for a second! > Freddie said, after they had gone. "What are we going to do?" MADGE (Joy): Well, my guess is I'll get captured while you emit a constant stream of irritating questions that evaporate my will to live. > "I don't know." Joy whispered in pain. GYPSY (Joy): What flute? > The metal clamps holding her wings > were like hot irons against bare skin. PEARL: So what color blood ya think a Bugaloo has? Green? > The thorns had torn her > slippers to ribbons. MADGE: Her slippers? SCRATCH: Damn these foot fetishists! They have no concept of proper thornbush dress-tearing procedures! > Carefully she crawled out of the bushes, getting a few more cuts and > tearing her dress a little more. SCRATCH: Yeah! *There* we go. Back on track. > Then she stumbled over to a vine laden fruit tree and collapsed > against it. One of the fruits looked down at the hopeless pair and > smiled. "If only I could fly." Joy said. PEARL (as Mr. Limpett): I wishÖ I wish, I were a flying fish. > "Oh you are in trouble, aren't you." Jareth said, allowing himself to > be seen. Joy paled and started to get up, only to have the ground > turn to ooze beneath her. MADGE: Love Canal- The Legend Continues! > The bugaloo sank to her waist, and would have kept >sinking if a vine hadn't dropped down and wrapped itself around her. GYPSY: The Island of Doctor Mo-RON! > > "Help!" Joy shouted, only to laugh a moment later. The vine was > covered in soft fur and was tickling her. [All snigger.] SCRATCH: Oh! Now it's Bugaloo Hentai! MADGE: C'mon, Scratch. You talk like Joy is some man-teasing nymph. SCRATCH: WellÖ short skirt, sleeveless top. Puts a Freudian musical instrument down her blouse. Gets fondled by a witch, her clothing is revealingly torn by a rosebush. GYPSY: Scratch, Joy is a nineteen-year old waif who needs legal ID to buy Pepsi One! She flits and sings on a kiddie show! SCRATCH: No soap? Hm. Guess we found out evil has limits. GYPSY: Unlike this story! > > "Are you sure you need help?" Jareth asked. > > "Please help us." Freddie asked. PEARL: To himself or to Joy? SCRATCH: We'll just never know. > > "Remarkable." Jareth said, snatching Freddie from Joy's hand. "I've > heard of you of course, but the tales really do not do you justice." MADGE: You're much whinier in person! > > "Help her please." Freddie pleaded. > > "Well of course." the goblin king said, as if his aid was never in > doubt. "I'll help both of you get back home." He paused. "Providing > you help me." GYPSY: Uh-oh. He's gonna make her drive him to the airport. > > "What do you want from us?" Joy managed to gasp put between laughs. > > "All you have to do is relax." Jareth purred, SCRATCH (sings): For MYSTERY, SCIENCE, THEATER! PEARL: Nah, they cancelled that. SCRATCH: They did? Huh. I thought that'd be on forever. MADGE: It's the network! They never promoted it! And it was on at such odd hours! PEARL: Get over it, kiddies. Move on. > lightly resting his > fingers on Joy's forehead. "And obey." GYPSY: Purrs, and is a control freak. I guess he really is a cat. PEARL (Jareth): All right, a bug slave! Now I can... um... and then there's... (gets mad at himself) oh, poop! > > Jenifer hadn't slept for long, or at least she didn't think she had. > Hunger and the scent of the apples woke her. Rolling over on her back > she shielded her eyes against the glare. The sun had not moved from > it's high noon position, but in the Labrynth that could mean > anything. MADGE (sarcasm): Oooooo, suddenly we're like Lady Dame Queen of the Labyrinth! > Her pajama's were still damp, but again she wasn't sure that > meant anything. PEARL (losing patience): She's in a Mark Ogilvie story, and I'm *damn* sure *that* doesn't mean anything! > "Marty Dissler I'm going to kill you." Jenifer groaned, sitting up. GYPSY (Jen): Very maternally will I kill you! > Every muscle and bone in her body ached. PEARL: Mark is very cognizant of Jenifer's muscles, isn't he. MADGE: Well, be fair. Better than a breast fixation. GYPSY: Is it? Hm. Guess I'd have to think about that... > Her pajama's had faded from > bright green to a dull lime. The legs were in shreds and she had to > tie the blouse at her waiste. SCRATCH: This isn't the Labyrinth, it's Ye Olde Lemon Shoppe! > Struggling to her feet Jenifer picked one of the apples and started > to eat it. Three bites into it she was asleep again. MADGE: You know, I don't care how reasonably priced it is. You *don't* patronize your enemy's breakfast buffet! GYPSY: Well, at least she didn't eat any pomegranate seeds. SCRATCH (sotto voce): Pearl? PEARL: On it. (Stamps his card.) > > Something was jabbing her in the shoulder. Groggily Jenifer woke up, >her dreams had been full of hungry shadows, each one seemingly more >and more terrifying. GYPSY: She's being haunted by the blueberry taste of Post Boo-Berry cereal! MADGE: You know, I *thought* Jareth looked a lot like Count Chocula... > As she opened her eyes Jenifer suddenly wished she was back > amongst the shadows. > A goblin, framed by the morning sun and armored in blood red steel > loomed over at her. PEARL (upper-class English accent): Excuse me? Have you seen a little fox go through here? > Jenifer didn't wonder how long she had slept this time. SCRATCH: This is *not* the time to worry about your chronic narcolepsy! > The only thing she was aware of was the lance that hovered inches > from her face. MADGE (Jen): Wow! These "Magic Eye" posters are *incredibly* lifelike! I wonder if they're bad for your eyes? > Her eyes crossed trying to look at it and she > refocused them on the goblin. He was mounted on a strange looking two > legged beast that looked something like a snub nosed dinosaur. ALL: DINO! GYPSY (Dino): Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bow! > Beneath the visored helmet he wore Jenifer could see two bright blood > red eyes. She couldn't meet those eyes and her's fled from the > confrontation. PEARL: Even her eyes want out of this story. > "What is your name wench?" the goblin asked, bringing the tip of the > lance to her throat. MADGE (Jen, nervous): Um, Crescent. Crescent Wench! Heh-heh! Which is funny, Mister Big-Lance person, sir. Please laugh. > "J-J-Jenifer." she stammered, stumbling backward. GYPSY: Don't you mean, (sings) Ch-ch-ch-changes! PEARL: Can we leave the Bowie jokes for when he's in the scene, please? > The lance followed her until it pinned her back against a tree. > Almost gently the tip pressed into her throat. SCRATCH (goblin): Hold still, you've got a big boil in the middle of your- oh, that's your nose, isn't it. > > "You have eaten of my fruit, I demand payment." MADGE (sighing): Sex, chauvinism, religion... there's such a wonderful, multi-textural wrongness to that sentence. > "W-What do you want?" > Jenifer asked, knowing that the only thing she had in her pockets > were buttons torn from her pajama top. SCRATCH: And the only things in her pajama top were- GYPSY: NO! > > "I have need of a maid." [All snigger.] > > "A maid?" PEARL (goblin, searching memory): No! Not a maid! Um, what do you call it, when you give her the drugged wineÖ a date! > > "Aye, my castle's a mess and my slaves can't cook a bugaloo right to > save their own skins." GYPSY: Grain-fed, free-range Texas bugaloo! Perfect for parties, or quick summer grilling! SCRATCH (resentful): There are only four of them. Specializing in Bugaloo cuisine is like being a preeminent dodo hunter. > he gestured with the lance. "Come, you can start on the privy first." MADGE: Man, everybody down here needs a maid! Don't they get any illegal immigrants from Living Island or anything? > > "Stop!" > > The goblin whirled around PEARL: 'Cuz someone yelled "stop". It's the rules. >and Jenifer took the chance to roll away from him. She ducked behind > the tree and looked out to see a brown fox, mounted on an English >sheepdog stride into the clearing. SCRATCH (British): Haloo! Quick brown fox here! Does anyone's manual typewriter need a once-over? > The fox had a large white mustache, an eye patch over his left eye > and he wore a brilliantly colored orange jerkin over a white shirt. A > thin blue belt held up a pair of black pants and two small black > boots completed the outfit. GYPSY: All that, and the latest in fall apparel! Next on Mark Ogilvie's Fashion Parade! > He had a staff in one hand and held onto the sheepdogs saddle with > the other. > > "None shall molest a fair maiden while I, Sir Didymous still draw > breath. MADGE (Didymous): So you and that maid you're hiring had better watch your step! > Take heart delicate flower of womanhood," he called to Jenifer, "I > shall dispatch this knave with the swiftness of righteousness." PEARL (Didymous): Or your pizza's free! > > "Delicate flower of womanhood?" Jenifer repeated dumbly, a part of > her numbed with shock that the fox could speak, let alone give > compliments. MADGE: True. In television, the foxes *get* compliments, which are *given* by toads and weasels. > > "Shut up and fight!" the goblin shouted. SCRATCH (Ali): Come on, Fox! Let's get manic in the fanfic! Do the rope-a-dope! > Urging his stead to a gallop he charged the fox. Sir Didymous urged > his sheepdog GYPSY: SoÖ there's urgency, then. MADGE: Eh, maybe. Mark's being a little vague on that point. > and the two foes came at each other with tremendous > speed. Jenifer looked away, she didn't think the fox had much of a > chance. He looked smaller and a lot less fierce than the goblin. Also > he wasn't wearing any armor. GYPSY: And his quarterstaff was a stick of Crazy Bread. > There was a succession of clangs and crashes PEARL (priest): And Clang begat Crash, who begat Pow, who begat Thoom, who begat Biff, Bop, and Whammo... > and when she looked back Jenifer saw the goblins stead heading out of > the clearing at full speed. The goblin close behind it, being > harassed by Sir Didymous. SCRATCH (Didymous): Whoa, what a cute ass! C'mon, goblin honey, I'm good for your career! Ya know ya love it! > The fox continued to torment the goblin until they were at the edge > of the clearing. Then he broke off and trotted happily back to > Jenifer. "Greetings Milady." PEARL (waiter voice): My name is Scott, I'll be your paladin this eveningÖ > "Uh, Hello." Jenifer said, slowly she came out from behind the tree, > feeling very self concious in her torn pajama's. > > "I am Sir Didymous," he announced, "protector of the right and meek." MADGE (Didymous): And *you*, apparently. GYPSY: Now he's Didymous, and before he was anonymous! > > "Jenifer Bass, ah, talk show host. Thank you." PEARL (Jen): Now Didymous. Tell us about your latest film. I believe you have a clip? > she held up her hand and >the fox drew back in horror. > > "The bracelets!" his voice became a snarl, echoed by the sheepdog. SCRATCH (Didymous): They were made by child labor in the Philippines! > The dog reared up on his hind legs, and when he came down Sir > Didymous held his staff as if to protect himself from a blow. MADGE: Does that mean what I think it means? GYPSY (shuddering): I hope not. >"Heartless Wench! I shall not stay in your cursed company!" > > With that he turned and galloped away, leaving Jenifer confused and a > little bit frightened. PEARL: But still tongue-tied and muscle-bound! > "Hey... Wait... Mr... Sir... Cursed?" SCRATCH: Hm. She must think she's on the air. > Jenifer started to go after the > fox, then stopped, then started again. All at once her mind started > working and she realized what was going on. MADGE: Just then, huh? > Brian had been telling the truth, PEARL: OH! So the goblin kidnapping, the David Bowie look-alike, the great big menacing labyrinth all could have been coincidences, but THE ONE-EYED TALKING FOX IS TOO MUCH TO DISMISS?! *IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE ASKING US TO BELIEVE, MR. OGILVIE?! HMPH?!* GYPSY: Pearl? PEARL: I know, I knowÖ (growls) > or at least as much of it as he had known. That fox must have been > the knight from the story. Grabbing one of the apples for breakfast MADGE (Jen): Mm, these poison apples that knocked me cold will go great with some farm fresh country sausage! > Jenifer > ran off in the direction Sir Didymous had taken. If the fox truly was > the knight from the story then he might know a way out of the > Labrynth and back to Earth. GYPSY: Of course, if he did he wouldn't be stuck in the Labyrinth, but hey! It's not my story! I'm not passing judgement. > If he knew that then Jenifer was going to find him. SCRATCH: If he didn't, it would be a waste of time, and I get one stamp closer to Subway! > Joy and Freddie woke with a start, both trying to remember something, > something important. The vine around her body started to tickle her > again. PEARL (Joy): Oh, right, we're dying. DYING?! AAAAAAUGH! > > "Help!" Joy screeched, desperately trying to get her breath. SCRATCH: What sort of Japan-porn/"Double Dare" cross-pollination experiment is *this* nightmare culled from? > > "Sure Buggy, I'll give you a hand." Horror overwhelmed Joy for a > moment as she saw Witchie- poo standing by the clearing. GYPSY: Well, give her some credit. She didn't do the "give her a hand" clapping joke. SCRATCH: Hm, good point. I'm rootin' for the witch now. > But the vine was > persistent and a few seconds later she was laughing again. PEARL: Ladies and gentlemen, the *stupidest* deathtrap since Mighty Jack's "really bright light"! > > "Make a deal with ya buggy." Witchie-Poo said, coming to the edge of > the tree. "You give me back my flute, I'll get you out of there." MADGE: Eminently reasonable. SCRATCH: Yup, fair's fair. Cutting her own throat she is. And like Joy, this bargain won't last forever. > > "No!" shouted between laughs. > > "Suit yourself." > > "Give me to her Joy." Freddie said, his high pitched voice barely > carrying over he laughter. GYPSY: Oh, this is *such* a porn short! SCRATCH: Yeah, Electro-Woman and Dyna-Girl are in the wings goin', "We *were* going to save her, but this is just too *weird*!" > > "No Freddie, she'll just take you and leave me here." PEARL: Boy, Joy's got real abandonment issues to work out here. > > "Now that hurts," Witchie-Poo said, "don't you know that everyone can > trust a witch?" MADGE: As far as they can throw them? > > "Please," the flute pleaded, "she just wants me. You'll die if you > don't!" SCRATCH: Oh, just take him! Anything to stop that whining! > > "No!" joy sobbed, only to laugh a moment after the word left her > lips. GYPSY (shaking her head): This is sick. > > "Well okay buggy. "the witch said, leaning against a rock. "I'll just > wait around a few hours and dig you out." MADGE (impatient): Look, I'm sorry, but- is this quicksand? Is Joy being suffocated? Are the vines eating her? What precisely is the exact DEATH THREAT to this DEATH TRAP?! > > Laughing hysterically Joy reached up and grabbed another vine. It > snaked down her arm, slipped under her blouse and started to tickle > her stomach. GYPSY (jaw dropping): I take it back! *This* is sick! I thought I knew what sick was! The scene keeps proving me wrong! > > "Throw me your wand!" Joy shouted PEARL: Throw me the idol! > > "What?" > > "If you throw me your magic wand I'll throw Freddie to you." Joy >gasped out between laughs. MADGE (Poo): But I'll get him a minute anyway. When you die, remember? > "That way I'll know you'll have to save us both!" > > "Not bad." Witchie-Poo admitted. PEARL (Poo): You dying, I mean. > "Okay." With a quick flip of her wrist she tossed the wand through > the air and Joy caught it. GYPSY: With her free third hand. >Then the Bugaloo braced her self and threw Freddie back. SCRATCH: With her fourth, vestigal hand. PEARL: What is she bracing herself against? The quicksand? > "Are you all right my little Freddy-kins?" Witchie-Poo asked, her > voice dripping with poison honey. MADGE: Whatcha drippin'? GYPSY: Poison honey. MADGE: Oh, thanks... sugar plum! > > "Help her!" Freddie said. > > "Help her?" Witchie-Poo repeated, pretending not to notice anyone. PEARL: Who, the twelve-handed bug in the bungee cord? >"Now how am I going to help anyone without my wand? You know I can't > work any magic without it." > > "I'm not giving it back!" Joy yelled out between laughs. GYPSY (Joy): Finders keepers, I'm still stuck in the creepers! >"Any you'll > never make it through the Labrynth without it!" > > Suddenly Witchie-Poo let out a laugh that was so chilling that even > the vines tickling Joy froze for a moment. Reaching into her boot she > pulled out another wand. SCRATCH: Huh, she supplemented her boot. Guess that makes it a... beefed Wellington! Ha! PEARL: It doesn't, and you know it. SCRATCH (deflating): Oh. > > "Always carry a spare Buggy!" she called out. MADGE: In case your first buggy gets caught on the dunes! > Laughing again the witch skipped and danced her way out of sight. GYPSY: I'm sorry, did a witch just give a magic wand to a mortal enemy in exchange for a gold-tinted pennywhistle she could have plucked from the bug's dead hand for free? SCRATCH: Nope. All a dream. Pinch yourself and see! GYPSY: Oo, can't. No arms. > Though Jenifer Bass kept herself in good shape MADGE (deep voiced): She got her bench up to 350. > there was no way she could compete with a battle trained sheepdog. PEARL: So she had Jeff Gillooly whack him in the knees with a retractable steel rod. > Especially without sneakers or shoes. Sir Didymous and his steed were > out of sight even before she had broken into a run, by the time she > collapsed against a wall Jenifer knew she had no hope of catching > them. Eating the apple she tried to think out her next move. GYPSY: Collapsed, woke up to a goblin pointing a lance at her, and *de whole shebang start over again*! > She could continue to search > for the knight, she could try for the castle again or she could find > a nice knife PEARL: -settle down, and raise a family! >and plunge it into Jareth's chest when she saw him. ALL: Eegh! Yuk! Bleah! > The last was a > fantasy that eased the soreness in her body GYPSY: I'd've felt better if the hero were someone less violent. PEARL: Yeah, like Lawrence Phillips, or a New York City cop. > and she was well into it when > she heard the scream. The terror in the scream propelled Jenifer into > a standing position, her heart stopping. But the near hysterical > laughter that followed it made her stumble. GYPSY: She starts! She stops! She runs! She stumbles! She speaks! She stammers! MADGE: Matthew from "News Radio" was more effectual than this goof. > She waited and it was repeated, a yell > of pain and terror followed by peals of girlish laughter. They were > definitely from the same person. Cautiously Jenifer followed the > strange sounds. SCRATCH (indicating card): Pearl, if you would be so kind? PEARL: Dunno... can you really say nothing happened there? SCRATCH: When the whole paragraph could've been "Jenifer heard the screams, and came running"? Oh yeah. [Pearl stamps the card.] > A few minutes later she parted the bushes >and saw a strange sight, even stranger than what she had seen in the >Labrynth so far. MADGE: That's "Labrynth", folks! "Labry" raised to the nth power! > A young girl, with wings on her back stood up to her knees in some > sort of greenish bog. The instant Jenifer saw the wings she thought: >"fairy". PEARL: No, that's a *male* homosexual. Please refer to your bigot handbooks before hurling the epithets. > A > little above her were some blue furry vines that hung from a red > tree. Two of the vines hung down from the tree and were wrapped > around the girls stomach. GYPSY: Oh, good! I'd forgotten what the deathtrap looked like! SCRATCH (weakly laughing): Hey, maybe next, he'll tell us what Jen is wearing again! Won't that be great? (in despair) Yipee! > Jenifer could see them moving under the girls tunic. [All cry and moan.] MADGE: This story is so hideously *itself*. GYPSY: It's boldly free of artifice or pretense. I *miss* artifice and pretense. > Everytime > she laughed her wings moved, but were pulled out of shape by some > harsh looking iron clamps attached to them. She was sinking into the > bog, slowly but definitely sinking. SCRATCH: So what's the point of the vines holding her *up*? PEARL (simmering): It's the only way Mark could have her hesitate while she sank! > > Her screams and the look on her face washed through Jenifer's heart > and any rational thought was quickly drowned. GYPSY: It was like reading, "The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, witchie-poos... " > Running out of the bushes SCRATCH: George and Barbara throw some real boring parties. > she > ran straight into the mud, grabbed the girl around the waist and > pulled. There was a slurping sound MADGE: And Jen, being maternal, put Joy right back and told her to sip like a lady! > and the fairy popped out of the bog. the suddenness of it caught > Jenifer off guard, the girl was as light as a feather. PEARL: Which, of course, is why she was sinking- (stops short) Huh? > Reaching up Jenifer grabbed a low hanging branch and used it as a > brace as she walked back to solid ground. No less than five of the > blue furry things snaked down from the tree and roamed over her body, SCRATCH: If the book of Genesis had been co-authored by Jim Henson and Danielle Steele! > but Jenifer just kept going. The tree gave up when she and Joy were > on solid ground and in sunlight. GYPSY: 'Cuz the vines forgot their sunblock, and they were Irish. > > Jenifer set the bugaloo down and pulled the blue vines off of her, > throwing them back into the bog. Out of the corner of her eye see saw > them climb back into the tree, and she could have sworn the vines > looked disappointed. SCRATCH (vine, pouting as a child): Fine! I didn't want to play your stupid porn games anyway! I'll go home and play with my Dreamcast, I don't care! > > It pays not to be ticklish, the talk show host told herself, PEARL: It pays not to express happiness in any way, shape or form. > thankful the > vines couldn't reach her feet. MADGE: Should one really contradict one's own sentence before it's even finished? > A small hand squeezed her and Jenifer > looked down to see that the fairy was still in pain. > > "Please," she pleaded, "my wings hurt so..." Rolling her over Jenifer > looked at the clamps. They ran the length of each wing and connected > to each other with a series of wires. GYPSY: She's an Alexander Calder creation! > Two clasped on each wing held > them in place. Carefully Jenifer undid them and eased the clamps off. PEARL: See, this is why they put locks on shackles now. They couldn't trust the prisoners to leave them on. SCRATCH: Yeah, it's always one bad apple that ruins it for everyone. > Joy cried out in pain as her wings were free, then passed out. GYPSY: Women certainly have a lot of down time in this story. MADGE (resentful): Meanwhile all the men run on Linux, so they're stable and maintenance-free. > > Not knowing what else to do Jenifer had carried Joy to the lake GYPSY (sings): Love lift us up where we belong! SCRATCH (shuddering): Oh-ho, I hope not. > and waded into the water. Bending down she eased the bugaloo under > the surface, keeping only her head above the water. PEARL (as priest): Now who are the godparents of this bugaloo? Do you promise to raise her as a Born-Again Pupa, and accept the overhead porch light as her lord and savior? > The wings looked burned, and > cool water was the only thing she could thing of. MADGE: Well, there was always Neosporin and a liquid bandage. But there, I've went and gone all med student again. > She was relieved to see the > look of pain on the fairy's face fade. GYPSY (Joy): Whew! Thanks, I just needed to be out of the story for a minute. > The fairy was shorter than Jenifer, wearing the remains of a silver > tunic. [Pearl, Scratch, and Gyspy rise to leave.] SCRATCH: Well, enough of that life-affirming crap! Back to the soft- core *porn*! [Logo, commercials] --- End Part 4 --- E-mail us! pinkboybuffet@hotmail.com Next --- Previous --- Home MSTing: The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy in the labrynth by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg --- Part 5 of 8 --- [OPEN ON: House of Pain, Dungeon Door. It is ancient, dusty, solid, wooden, with heavy iron bars covering a peephole near the top. Tom is using Crow's crest to try to pry the hinges off. Tom is grunting, Crow is wary.] CROW: Tommy! TOM (grunting): Almost got it... CROW: Come up for air, buddy. You'll blow another head. C'mon. TOM: Oh, all right! [Tom exhales, drops Crow. The two inspect their work.] TOM: Wow! I think we moved it two or three nanometers that time! CROW: Yup! Just two more years of this, and we'll be ready to tackle the other hinge! [Bobo moseys in, laboring, holding Brain Guy piggy-back.] BRAIN GUY: Checking the map, there's a low pressure system forming off the gulf coast that should swing up here by Saturday. BOBO: Oh my. Goodness! Is it raining? BRAIN GUY: Checking the radar, a patch of gulf stream is caught in the San Andreas trench. BOBO: Well, good, but- (sees the bots) oh hi guys. CROW: No luck brain-finding, huh? BOBO: Not yet. But this is one great dungeon, let me tell ya! There's a gym, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, a sundae bar, oh! And apparently a bird sanctuary of some sort. I saw a big sign that said, "Egress Ahead, 100 feet". TOM: Whoo! Better not tell Mike about that. Birds scare him like a bloody steak in a pirhana tank. BOBO: Gotcha! (adjusts Brain Guy) Now about this rainÖ BRAIN GUY: Checking my belly button lintÖ [Bobo and Brain Guy Exit.] CROW (to Tom, re the door): I don't know, Tommy. Maybe we should be trying something subtler, like a hairpin, or termite infestation. I mean, if two he-man robo-Ferrignos like us can't budge it, brute force simply cannot be the answer. [With a bang!, the door *splinters* into a million pieces from a mighty blow on the other side. Emerging from the debris is Jenifer Bass (Bridget) in large bronze bracelets and green Chinese pajamas. She rubs her fist, and looks resentfully at the broken door.] JEN (to door): "How many were going to St. Ives", my ass. TOM (resentful): Hey, that was our door! JEN (as if asked): Bass. Jenifer Bass. Talk show host. CROW: Huh? Talk show, host? Um... you look more likeÖ I don't know, a maid or something. JEN (sighing angrily, holding up her arms to show): Damn these bracelets! They're gonna screw my career path! TOM: Oh, cursed accoutrements, huh? Well, I think Evil Mike was doing some experiments with cubic zirconium. Try that jewelry box, there's bound to be a counteracting geegaw in there. [Jen looks where Tom indicated, pulls a jewelry box from off-screen. She rummages through, modeling things as she finds them.] JEN: Hm, I see this nice pendant. CROW (evaluating her look): Mmmm... nope, no, I'm still getting that Hazel vibe. So do you cook, or? JEN: No. Earrings? TOM: They scream, "Use me! I'm Alice from the Brady Bunch!" JEN: How about this tasteful brooch? CROW: Hm, now who was that one from the Jeffersons? Wheezy? TOM: No, Florence. Wheezy was the wife. CROW: Ah! JEN: And- oh! A tongue stud! (sticks tongue out, holds stud up to it) TOM and CROW (as Mr. Sheffield from "The Nanny"): Miss FIIIIINE! JEN (slumping): Oh, it's no use! CROW: Now hold on, girlfriend! Maybe all you need is a wardrobe change! TOM: Yeah! I mean, let's face it, there's a reason you won't find the 90's woman heading for an interview in a Victoria's Secret nightdress! [Jen start to try on some clothes hanging by the door. She starts by slipping on a drab light blue blouse over her pj's.] JEN: Good point. Well, how's this? TOM: OK. OK. I can see sort of a young Carol Kane thing developing. Maybe an Anne-Meara-in-waiting. [She now ties an apron around her waist.] JEN: Now this, to keep the crud off? CROW: Oh, yeah! Definitely entering a Heather Graham area, maybe with a little Jennifer Tilly around the eyes? TOM: Oh, yes, I see it. Plain as day! [Jen finally puts on a maid's hat and grabs a feather duster.] JEN: And these accessories! CROW: Yes! Yes! Julia Ormond, Lisa Marie Presley, with just the faintest hint of Jewel! TOM: It's perfect! JEN: Wow! Thanks guys! Now I can head for that Fox News job interview with my fists held high! [Jen retreats through the doorway, and exits.] CROW: Knock'em dead, girlfriend! TOM: Welp! That was cool. Of course, we'll never get the door off the hinges now, what with it being in splinters and all. CROW: True. I think I saw another one in the back. TOM: You think we can hang it before Mike wakes up? CROW: If we hurry? No doubt, compadre! Um, by the way- did you know about that sundae bar when you included me as a food option earlier? TOM: Crow my friend? Yes. Now let's get that door hung! [Tom and Crow laugh amicably, and exit.] [CUT TO: Pearl is cavorting around the bridge in a huge stuffed head of one of Richard Nixon's aides, in the style of Sid and Marty Krofft, while Scratch and Gypsy try to guess who she is.] GYPSY: UmÖ G.Gordon Liddsville? SCRATCH: John Bug-a-dean? [Pearl lifts the head a bit to talk.} PEARL: No! H.R. Haldemanstuf! [The buzzer sounds.] ALL: FICTION SIGN! [All try to exit. Pearl goes the wrong way first, bumping the stuffed head against the wall to a Krofftian "bonk!" effect. Pearl rolls and rubs her fake head, then recovers and exits.] | 6 |... ( 5 )... [ 4 ]... > 3 <... = 2 =... / * \... [CUT TO: Theater. Pearl (holding her costume head), Gypsy, and Scratch enter.] PEARL (setting the head down on a seat by itself): Third rate burglary, third rate kiddie show. Coincidence? SCRATCH: Did we just rip off "D.C. Follies"? > A pouch hung from a brown belt around her waist. "Well, you seem to > have found a friend." ALL: Huh? MADGE: What friend? GYPSY: Is this another Freddie the Flute phallic reference? Because if it is, I will be very, very annoyed! > > "What do you want." Jenifer said keeping her voice steady and making > a point of not making it a question. MADGE: Yes, the mantra of any true hero, "Whadda *you* want?!" > > "Do I need to want anything?" Joy groaned and started to wake up. SCRATCH: Zen and the Art of Bugaloo Maintenance! > > Opening her eyes she saw the goblin king. MADGE (in panic): SLEESTAK! Oh wait- wrong show. > With a shriek of fright she >flapped her wings, going straight up. PEARL: Wow, the White Rock lady's really freakin' out. > She got about five feet before her >wings gave out and the bugaloo fell back into the water. SCRATCH: No vertical take-off. That's why she's been replaced with the Harrier jet. > Coughing and > sputtering she dove behind Jenifer. GYPSY (Joy): Protect me, strange wingless biped with the non-segmented eyes! > > "Do you charm everyone you meet like this?" Jenifer demanded harshly. > "Don't worry." she said to Joy. "Everything's going to be alright." MADGE (Jen): Just because I'm a good mother doesn't mean I'm not one bad- SCRATCH AND GYPSY: Shut your mouth! MADGE: I'm just talkin' 'bout Jenifer Bass. SCRATCH AND GYPSY: Then we can dig it! > > Jareth's laugh infuriated the talk show host and she stormed out of > the water to face him. "What's so funny?" SCRATCH: Her fists clenched and her chin sticking out. MADGE: I keep thinking Mark saw Jen as a female Popeye of some sort. Which makes the upcoming climax curiously intriguing to me. > > "My dear Mrs. Bass, you are. Here you are, alone, hungry, lost, no > weapons, " PEARL: No real estate investments or stock index funds... > he glanced at her torn pajama's, they were soaking wet and > sticking to her skin, "barely dressed," [All laugh, Gypsy shakes her head.] SCRATCH (Jareth): But I respect your mind, babe. Honest! Aw, lookit that mind a'yours, in that sheer nighty, wigglin' like a snake on tequilaÖ (drools) > Jenifer felt her self blushing but held steady, "and you still find >someone to protect." he laughed again. "What a fine maid you will be." GYPSY: He keeps talking like his janitors belong to the Secret Service. > > "I don't care if I starve and have to streak naked." MADGE: You will when Kate Moss sues you for trademark infringement. >Jenifer declared. "I am never going to clean your castle." PEARL: Jen, honey? I think it's time we play the party game that's sweeping the nation. It's called, "Settling". > > "Then perhaps you would entertain a different bargain." Jareth said. >Walking over he leaned against the tree. "Joy." he indicated the >bugaloo SCRATCH (Jareth, spoken): For the world. All the boys and girls. No? How about Joy for the fishes in the deep blue sea? >and she quickly scuttled behind Jenifer. "Brought a friend into the >Labrynth. A golden friend. PEARL: Who spoke. In incomplete. Sentences. >I will trade you your freedom for the flute." MADGE: You mean the flute you were *holding in your hand five minutes ago?!* *WHAT IN SAM SCRATCH IS GOING ON!?* > > "You want a flute?" GYPSY: Well, the Labyrinth is hell. Freddie's probably the first non- accordian instrument there in millenia. > > "You'll never get Freddie!" Joy shouted. SCRATCH: His intricate vocal harmonies, so typical of Queen, just go right over your head, man! > > "Not unless you hurry." Jareth said. "Since Witchie-Poo is even now > carrying him back to Living Island." > > "Wait a minute." Jenifer said. "Are you telling me I have to get > something from a witch before I can get home?" GYPSY (Jen): And it better not be mono! > > "It is a common bargain." Jareth agreed. "But I will add one more to > it. PEARL (Jareth): I have a nephew. Bright kid, but he's always wanted to break into show business. > Give me the bugaloo." > > "Your kidding." > > "No. Cook me one meal, with her as the main course, and I will return > you to your show." MADGE (Jareth): Just nothing fried. And avoid the hot peppers. And no bugaloafs! SCRATCH: This could be good. Her show always needed a cooking segment. > > "Cannibal." Jenifer spat the word at him. > > "My dear Mrs. Bass, it's only cannibalism if the meal is the same > species. GYPSY (Jen): Hm. That's logical. OK! > Consider my proposition." > > With that he faded from sight. PEARL: So... no reaction from Joy on this? Being served on a platter, she's OK with it? > > Joy worked her wings slowly and looked closely at her protector. The > woman did not look like a witch. She was pretty, with shoulder length > brown hair. [All groan.] MADGE: Yes, the characters never met before, so the descriptions start *all over again*! SCRATCH: Man, I should get *two* stamps for this one. PEARL: Patience, bubby. > Her face was sharp, GYPSY: Unlike her wit. > with the chin slightly pointed, but there was no sign of a wart on > it. Her eyes, though narrow were kind. PEARL: Witch Lite. All the features of regular Witch, but 99% evil-free! > She was barefoot, wearing a faded green shirt and pants, both covered > with mud. [All snicker.] SCRATCH: Now c'mon! A fourth fashion review has gotta be worth one stamp at least! PEARL: I'll do it if you promise to keep quiet. [Pearl stamps the card.] > > "Are you alright?" > > "I feel better." Joy said, after a slight hesitation. GYPSY: A pause. A stoppage. A moment of reflection. MADGE: Jeez, you can't run a hundred-yard dash in this place without the runners stopping at the tape to make sure it'll break. > > "Thank you, you must be a mighty witch to challenge Jareth." PEARL: Mighty Witch. 100% pure beef! > > "I'm not a witch," the woman said, matching Joy's hesitation, "I'm a > talk show host." > > "Oh." SCRATCH (Joy): You look more like a maid. > > For a moment there was silence. The woman watched her closely, > staring really. Joy looked down at herself. GYPSY: Wait! All the pausing... it's going too fast! I need to catch up with the plot! PEARL (resentful): The pausing *is* the plot. Distilled nothing. The sound of one hand *crapping*. > > "Is something wrong?" > > "Uh, no. Not really." the woman stuttered. "I've just never seen a > fairy before." GYPSY: Not even on Staten Island? > > "Oh, I'm a bugaloo." > > "A Bugaloo?" MADGE (Joy): We're in the air and everywhere! SCRATCH (Jen): No you're not. You're clearly on the ground, and if you were everywhere I'd've seen you before. Are you mental or something? > > "Joy." she said, extending her hand. PEARL (Jen, extending hand): Manic depression. Charmed. > > "Jenifer Bass." the woman said, taking it. "Your a human aren't > you?" > > "Yea... Of course." Jenifer said. ALL (unenthusiastic): Yaaay. > "A human!" Joy whispered, staring at Jenifer as the talk show host > had stared at her. PEARL (Joy): The ancient scrolls speak of those who are born one at a time and refuse to eat their mates after copulating. But we all assumed they were myths! > "A real human." Jenifer flushed and Joy quickly looked away. MADGE: Well it's common courtesy. Hell, I don't even watch the cat in the litter box. >"I'm sorry." Joy said. "forgive me for staring but there hasn't been a > human able to cross the world barriers for years. We thought the > worlds had drifted too far apart. GYPSY: Mark? Did you consider plate tectonics might not make for gripping narrative here? > > "We?" > > "The Fairy World." > > "But you said you were a bugaloo." > > "A bugaloo is a type of fairy." > > "Oh." PEARL (Jen): Well enough about you! Wanna hear what I'm wearing? > > Again there was an awkward silence. [All moan helplessly and cry. Scratch bangs his head against the seat.] SCRATCH: Must we still be awkward about it?! Couldn't we see some balletic, *practiced* pauses by now?! PEARL: Oh, stop whining. Take another stamp. (stamps card) OK? Happy? > Joy stood up and tested her wings. She rose into the air a few feet, > to the astonishment of the woman, and then settled back down. > > Bugaloo's are a type of fairy. ALL (crying): *WE KNOW SHE'S A FAIRY ALREADY!* GYPSY: There are sinking ships calling out S.O.S. less repetitive than this! > A part of Jenifer would not accept it. But it was here infront of >her. Or rather she, Joy, was infront of her. MADGE: The her, being infronted of, being Jen. SCRATCH (sobbing quietly): Pearl? How can Jenifer accept goblin kings but not fairies? I mean, *how*?! PEARL: Oh, don't try making sense of it, lackey. Use the pain. Transfer it. Hurt others. You'll feel better. > > "How did you get into the Labrynth?" Joy asked. PEARL: I took a left turn at Albequerque. > "I let my brother in law pick the guest." Jenifer said with a sigh. > Seeing that the Bugaloo didn't understand Jenifer showed her the > bracelets and told her story. GYPSY: Man, the repeated backstory just goes on forever! Didn't Jareth give'm a quest or something a few hours ago? SCRATCH (remembering): Oh! Oh, you mean that witch thing, with the flute? GYPSY: Yeah. I'd've thought that was important. > > "The first human to crossover in years MADGE: Humans did two million Star Trek crossovers last month alone! PEARL: Fairyland may not have Usenet access. MADGE: Then use deja.com. It's no excuse. > and he wants a maid?" Joy exclaimed. > > "Good helps hard to find I guess. GYPSY (Joy): Oh. Um... ha-ha-ha? Ha? SCRATCH: Don't bother. Even Sid and Marty's laugh track isn't going for that one. > What about you? How did you..." > > "Freddie!" Joy shouted. Jenifer whirled around, expecting somebody to > be behind her. "My friend Freddie Flute!" Joy said. > > "The gold one Jareth was talking about?" MADGE (sighs): Jen really shouldn't go this long without her Ritalin. > > "Yes, we have to save him." > > "How? I'm no witch remember?" > > "But you must have some power to be so brave." Joy insisted. SCRATCH: Maybe the power of scrubbing bubbles to clean his bathroom tile? > > "Yea it's called foolishness." Jenifer said. ALL (unenthusiastic): Yaaay. > > "You can use my magic." Joy said. Opening her pouch she pulled out a > striped wand and a small book. SCRATCH: Jack Horner, 3 stars; Jack, 2 stars, but great beansÖ [Gypsy lunges forward, bapping Scratch on the side of his head.] SCRATCH (wincing): Hey! GYPSY: You were warned. > > "Why can't you use your magic?" > > "Bugaloo's aren't allowed to use magic outside of Tranquility > Forest." PEARL (Joy): And you have to have rules, or else society degenerates into a bunch of colorless feebs talking about wardrobe minutiae and the subspecies of fairy people! > > "Oh." There was something different about Joy's face as she >explained. It was like a shadow flying across the sun. MADGE: The way Mark uses light imagery... it's so evocative of Shakespeare's early work. SCRATCH: When he was five, and his nanny played shadow puppets? MADGE: Exactly. >Then it was >gone and Jenifer was looking through the book. GYPSY (Jen): Welp! It's just a plot point, has nothing to do with me. I'll ignore it. >"I'll find them and come back for you." Joy said, taking off. > > Jenifer felt fragmented as she watched her new friend fly off. SCRATCH: "Fragmented"?! *Why the HELL would she feel fragmented?!* PEARL: Hey, Mark! This your audience. That contempt you have for us? *Right* back at ya, pal! > Not so much like she was experiencing what was happening, more like > she was playing a computer game. MADGE: That's not fragmented. That's detached! And it's a perfectly normal Gen X way to be! > She sat against the tree, looking through the book. It was pretty > straightforward, with hand gestures and magic phrases. GYPSY: And a tech support number for Magicsoft. SCRATCH (reading fine print): "Have your credit card ready." > It even had a > title page and the equivalent of a library of congress card catalog > number. [All snicker.] SCRATCH: Fairyland is anal! > Reading as fast as she cold GYPSY (offering): Grammar riff? MADGE: No thanks, I'm full. > Jenifer covered half of it before Joy's return. > > "Get out of my way you flea bag!" Witchie-Poo shouted. "I've got an > invasion to stop!" MADGE: Wasn't Poo the one doing the invading? SCRATCH: I'd say I don't even care anymore? But never cared to begin with, really. PEARL: Mark's created a rich array of characters that'll touch us for the rest of our lives, or until someone coughs. Whichever comes first. > "Nay witch!" the knight answered. GYPSY: Another Ogilvie transition, by the way. SCRATCH: It's so eye-opening. Like watching Orson Welles for the first time. >"For I have told thee that only alone may you leave this place." MADGE (Poo): But I *am* alone. GYPSY (Didymous): Don't think facts are gonna save ya, punk! > Around them smoking holes littered the ground, trees and bushes were > broken and scattered. Piles of dust that were once rocks smoked > ominously. SCRATCH: The rocks were told to stand outside, as the Labyrinth was a no-smoking area. > Sir Didymous held himself high on the sheepdog, though both > were panting. Witchie-Poo was tired too, her hands were shaking. PEARL (old lady): She didn't use Aspercreme! SCRATCH (announcer): Doctors recommend Aspercreme for minor aches and pains and as a delicious cake filling! > In > one hand was a wand like the one Jenifer was holding. In the other a > solid gold flute, GYPSY: No, if it were solid, it wouldn't blow. MADGE (muttering): Ho-ho, and believe me, it *blows* all right. > encrusted with diamonds. Jenifer and Joy watched the > battle from a small rise some thirty feet away. PEARL: Yes! Good! Stay in the open! Give'm a clear shot! > > "Tally Ho!" Sir Didymous shouted, raising his staff. SCRATCH (Didymous): *That's* my favorite playing card company! > > Ambrosius was off like a shot, just a second behind the lightning > bolt from Witchie-poo's wand. MADGE: A second *behind*? They're *trying* to get hit? What the-? > Joy and Jenifer ducked down to avoid the debris. The battle raged on, > every so often the knight would move in and rap the witch with his > staff. Try as she might Witchie-Poo could not hit the sheepdog, GYPSY: He was just so fuzzily cuddly, she wanted to hug him 'til Tuesday! > but > she could make the going hard for him. At one point Ambrosius > stumbled and fell, but Sir Didymous batted away the witches lightning > bolt with his staff. [All cackle.] PEARL: Yup, remember kids! Lightning bounces off wood, so next time you're caught in a storm, find a big tall tree to hide under! > > "Got it." Jenifer said. She had been skimming through the magic book >furiously, and finally a spell had made sense to her. SCRATCH: I'm guessin' the spell goes, "Huh? WaitÖ MisterÖ cursed?" > "Can you get the flute out of her hand?" Joy nodded and Jenifer let > her go. The Bugaloo flew straight up, almost out of sight and then > dove. She streaked into the clearing a white blur and hit Witchie-Poo > in the stomach like a cannon ball. MADGE: BOI-OI-OI-OING! PEARL (witch, in agony): Oof! Oh my kidneys! Internal hemorrhage! Call an ambulance, augh! GYPSY: She stole that from a Mighty Mouse cartoon. SCRATCH: But wasn't she five feet tall a few minutes ago? MADGE: I think the water shrank her. There's probably a label on her neck saying "Dry Clean Only". > As the fell Joy grabbed Freddie GYPSY: The *fell Joy*? SCRATCH: Perhaps, the pleasure experienced by Norman Fell during his illustrious career as a character actor? MADGE: "As she fell" is what Mark had in mind there. GYPSY: Mark had something in *mind*? > out > of the witches hand and flew up again as fast as she could. PEARL: Oh. That wasn't that hard, really. SCRATCH: Witchie-poo is like the Philadelphia Eagles of the nemesis world. > > "Sneeze, Breeze I order you to Freeze!" Jenifer cried, GYPSY: Oo, that's a nice little Shel Silverstein sort of a spell. MADGE: Eh, the rhyme's not much. But maybe you can dance to it. > jumping up and > casting the spell before Witchie-Poo could recover. There was a flash > of light and smoke and when it cleared Witchie-Poo stood still as > stone in the middle of the clearing. PEARL: Well why didn't she do that in the first place?! GYPSY: Joy coulda died or something! SCRATCH: Jeez, some friend! > > "Tally...ho?" MADGE: Well, none, really. Jen doesn't have sex, and Joy's a kiddie show character. Maybe there's a red light district where you can count some. GYPSY (disappointed): Not you too, Madge. MADGE: Oh, just one. It's not so bad. > > "Are you alright?" Joy asked, clutching Freddie in her hand. They > were about eighty feet above the ground and Joy finally felt save. > > "I think so. How did you get out of that bog?" PEARL (Joy): Triple A. Boy, their road service is amazing! > > "A human helped me." > > "A real human?" the flute sounded awed. SCRATCH: No, one made of aluminum. OF COURSE IT'S A REAL HUMAN, YOU GREAT RHINESTONED PICCOLO! > "Does that mean humans are back?" > > "I don't..." Joy started to say she didn't know when sounds of a new > battle could be heard below them. GYPSY: A pause, stopping someone saying "I don't know", to a question *completely* beside the point. SCRATCH: There are noble gases less inert than this story! > "I am not a witch?" Jenifer shouted, MADGE: To herself or to Didymous? SCRATCH: We'll never know. >launching another spell at the knight. PEARL (Jen): I'm not a witch, I'm just a woman with a pointy chin who lives alone and casts spells! (stops) Oh. > She had come down the rise to make sure Witchie-Poo wasn't faking and > Sir Didymous had attacked her. Jenifer had tried reasoning at first, > but all that got her was more raps from the knights staff. SCRATCH (staff, deep-voiced rapping): I'm the weapon, I'm the power, I can tumble down the towerÖ [Gypsy and Pearl look at Scratch.] SCRATCH: UmÖ I'll stop now. > Jenifer > felt the pain in her side and guessed that a large purple bruise was > spreading out from the rib. She hoped it hadn't been broken. > > "Surrender foul one!" > > "I'm not a witch!" Jenifer shouted again, MADGE: But you are *dressed* as one! > raising the wand. For once she was focused, the surreal feelings of > only a few minutes before were gone. "I'm not the one who trapped you > here! I'm here to help!" GYPSY: I'm your government! I'm here to help! > > "I believe you not!" Sir Didymous proclaimed and charged again. > Planting her feet Jenifer stood ready to launch another spell. > > "Stop!" Joy shouted, diving between them and throwing her arms out. PEARL (Joy, dramatic): Take *my* life if you must, but spare poor... umÖ (stops) I'm sorry, who the hell are you again? > Jenifer stumbled and fell flat on her back and the knight was nearly > thrown from his steed. SCRATCH: So Jareth runs this joint 'cuz he's the only one who can speak a grammatically correct sentence without falling on his ass! > > "He started it." Jenifer insisted, sitting up. She said it a little > guiltily, remembering how mad she had been at the knight. How easy it > had been to use the wand. MADGE: Sure. Power corrupts. But it's cool! > > "I?" The knight protested. "I am not the one who..." > > "Well I'm not either." Jenifer said, getting to her feet and holding > up her arms. The bracelets glinted mockingly at her. "The only reason > I'm wearing these is because I let Marty chose the guest. PEARL: You know something girlfriend? Marty maybe chose the guest, but *Marty* didn't openly mock him in front of a live studio audience, and *Marty* didn't have the booby hatch haul him away on national television! SCRATCH: Stamp the card Pearl! Come on, you want to! (sings to "Shake your Booty") Stamp stamp stamp! Stamp stamp stamp! PEARL: Oh, hush! (stamps card) [Logo, Commercials] --- End Part 5 --- E-mail us! pinkboybuffet@hotmail.com Next --- Previous --- Home MSTing: The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy in the labrynth by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg --- Part 6 of 8 --- [OPEN ON: Theater. Pearl and girls, and Scratch, continue riffing.] > My name is > Jenifer Bass, I'm a talk show host from Dirby, Wisconsin." > > "Wisconsin?" GYPSY: Oh! Oh that explains everything! I'm so sorry! SCRATCH: Hey guys, it's not Jenifer's fault! She's from *Wisconsin*! > > "She's telling you the truth." Joy said, landing nest to her friend. MADGE: Smell her clothes, they stink of cowflops and moldy cheese! > > Sir Didymous sat in silence for a few moments, looking closely at > her. Then he dismounted and solemnly walked over to Jenifer. PEARL: Man, no need to be such a downer, guy. Lighten up. SCRATCH: Two people you don't want at your party: Steve Forbes, and the one-eyed rib-breaking fox. GYPSY: Hey, Didymous was a fun guy. I mean, he played Scrabble. [All look at Gypsy.] GYPSY: What? > Taking > off his hat he preformed a courtly bow. > > "My lady Jenifer I must sincerely beg your pardon. For so long have I > wandered the Labrynth, it seems my mind has wandered from me. MADGE (Didymous): To defend myself from a woman hurling spells at me- how egregiously antediluvian! > I humbly beg your forgiveness and hereby pledge all in my power to > serve you." > >"It's... It's all right, really." Jenifer said. PEARL (solemnly): Every twelve seconds, another woman is battered by a stick-wielding fox on a sheepdog. [Scratch sniggers.] > "Please get up." Sir > Didymous rose and Jenifer got a good look at him for the first time. > He really was a fox, but one that seemed to have been > anthropomorphized. [All sigh.] GYPSY: Like we have time for this. SCRATCH: So you guys saw "Talk", right? So did Hillary get a raw deal, or what? MADGE: Mmmm... mostly raw, with a side order of what. > Instead of whiskers he had a long white mustache, he stood on legs > that seemed to have been bent so that he could walk upright. PEARL: Similar to how Mark was bent so he could write fanfics. > Two > fingers and a thumb were on each hand. GYPSY: Boy, they're digitizing everything these days. [Pearl looks at Gypsy] PEARL: You know, I understand *my* hot hatred of humanity. But what's *your* deal? > His eyes were deep brown and > full of idealistic zeal. Quite unreasonably Jenifer liked him. SCRATCH (Jen, gregarious): Here, let me shake your- OW! (laughs) Ha ha, that's right, you broke my ribs, you nut! What a kooky world! > > "Jenifer this is Freddie." Joy said, holding up the flute. > > "Pleased to meet you." MADGE (Joy): Today we're celebrating the thirtieth anniversary of the first time Freddie did nothing but screech and moan like a helpless little weasel baby! GYPSY: So did Mickey Mouse ever file charges against Freddie for stealing his voice? PEARL: Not to my knowledge. > > "Um... Hello." Jenifer replied, starting to lift her hand. She > dropped it, realizing that Freddie had no hands. The flute was as > human like as the fox. GYPSY: "Like as"? MADGE: Mark must be an engineer. He built a redundant simile, in case of system failure. PEARL: I thought you were too full for grammar riffs. MADGE: Ah, they're like jello. There's always room for grammar riffs. > It's mouth was surrounded by diamonds, and the > metal moved like some claymation production. SCRATCH: No, it moved like some guy with a wire was tugging at his mouth. > The eyes were also encircled by small diamonds, but they held a soft, > gentle quality. The last time Jenifer had seen eyes like that had > been when she had interviewed Claudette Colbert. PEARL: -'s cousin Agnes, the topless Las Vegas plate-spinner. > > "Thank you for saving me, your very good with that wand." > > "Yea, I am." Jenifer agreed, ALL (unenthusiastic): Yaaay. > again feeling power run through her. Out of the corner of her eye she > looked at the statue that was now Witchie-Poo. GYPSY: Wow, standards for Buckingham Palace guard sure have dropped. >"Come on, lets get out > of here before it wears off." > > "But where can we go?" Joy asked. SCRATCH: Frankly my dear I don't give a damn! PEARL: You need to work on your Rhett Butler there, skink. SCRATCH (confused): Huh? My who? > > "I have an excellent suggestion." MADGE: Oh don't we *all* have more than few suggestions at this point? > As one they turned to see > Jareth standing at the foot of the path. SCRATCH (resentful): Aw, crap. Every time you think you're free of this turkey, he shows up more annoying than before! MADGE: Yeah, he's the Fairyland version of Donald Trump. > > "I really must apologize Mrs. Bass." Jareth said, moving toward them. > "I have underestimated you." Jenifer and the rest of them stood aside > as he examined Witchie-Poo. GYPSY (as doctor): Now then, Miss Poo, exactly when did you first notice your lockjaw had spread? > "In the course of two days you have solved many of my puzzles, PEARL (Jareth): You'll be getting a bill for those in the mail soon. > freed > a bugaloo and now learned magic." He turned and faced her. > > "I do applaud your efforts." MADGE (Jareth): In that non-clapping sort of way we goblins have. > > "And what other gifts you bring me." he purred, looking at Freddie > and Joy. GYPSY: Eh, gold, frankincense. And one of them personal fans that blow misty water in your face? > > "Leave them alone." Jenifer said, stepping infront of them. MADGE: Yup! This is it. He swats her away, and she groggily conjures up some spinach and smears him. He'll be black-eyed, unconscious, hanging by his pants from a crescent moon in a second. Just watch. > > "Why? Do you seek to challenge me?" He looked into her eyes and > Jenifer felt herself slipping into him. SCRATCH: Isn't it the other way ar- GYPSY (leaning over Scratch): NO IT ISN'T! SCRATCH (cringing): OK, it isn't! Nicht mit the shouting! Jeez! > > "We all do." Sir Didymous proclaimed, standing beside Jenifer. "By > strength of arms we shall defeat thee." MADGE: Yeah, the strength of *her* arms. They'll have that little cartoon on her bicep, of a tank or the Rock of Gibraltar or a stick of dynamite or what-not. PEARL: Is this the same creepy disembodied voice that was cursing out those female growth fantasies last week? MADGE: Well, I'm not saying I like it. PEARL: I think you *do*! I think you're a closet perv who tapes "Kiana's Flex Appeal" for her own non-corporal gratification! MADGE: Oh, like I give one crap what the meat puppet thinks! > "I do not fight by strength of arms." Jareth said, taking a step >back. MADGE (pouting): Spoilsport! (suddenly) Um- I mean, good! Because that would be wrong. >"My contest are magical in nature." > > "I bet they are." Jenifer said. "And I bet your a lot better at them >than I am." she raised the wand. > > "A safe bet indeed." Jareth replied. GYPSY: But not in word. > > "But I bet she's better than I am too." Pointing the wand at Witchie- >Poo Jenifer shouted: SCRATCH (Jen): YOU got me into this mess, you crazy effed up wicca b-! > > "The bonds of evil bring naught but distress, so now let those bonds >disperse!" > GYPSY: Huh? PEARL: Well that was an Odd Lot kind of a spell! Sounds like she got it refurbished from the factory outlet! > In an instant Witchie-Poo was free, > standing infront of Jenifer. Jareth stepped back, a snarl on his > normally placid face. SCRATCH: So, Jenifer Bass, is *evil*! They were her bonds, they dispersed... by her own words, she's evil! And Jareth and Poo must be good! GYPSY: Oh, after an hour of this I doubt anything will seem good ever again. > > "Try to take my flute will ya." the witch spat the words, raising her > wand. > > "Decrepit old hag!" > > "Fancy Pants!" MADGE: Wow. They really need some foam-covered bats so they can channel their anger. > > "Get down!" Jenifer shouted, pushing Joy to the ground as mystical > energy filled the air. Jareth and Witchie-Poo launched spell after > spell, always canceling each other out. GYPSY: You know, they say the first year of marriage is the hardest. PEARL: So true. > Jenifer wasn't sure how long they would last, but she was sure the > winner would be weakened. SCRATCH: And then- POW! Right in the breadbasket! > > "Bravo my lady." Didymous shouted, taking cover with her and Joy. "A > truly masterful strategy." > > "But what do we do with whoever wins?" Freddie asked. MADGE: We take'em to the track and enter them in the steeplechase. > > "We need help." Joy said. "Sir Didymous do you know the way to Living > Island?" > > "Of course." the fox replied. PEARL (Didymous): That's why I wander the Labyrinth for all eternity. HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW WHERE LIVING ISLAND IS?! > > "Take Freddie and get help from Puff-n-Stuff." Joy handed him the >flute. "Neither of them can handle a dragon." SCRATCH (laughs): Please! Pufnstuf's a dragon like Warren Beatty's a politician! GYPSY: So, Puff is not regarded well in the dragon world. SCRATCH: Nah, the celebrities of the dragon world are more like, you know- that lizard from "The Freshman"... my uncle Smaug, of course... Liz Taylor... PEARL: Hold. Elizabeth, Taylor? SCRATCH (sighing, dreamy): If only my neck could be as wrinkled... > > "Right Ho." Didymous said, taking the flute he leapt on to the > sheepdog. "I shall return forthwith." MADGE: You know, a sandwich is just a sandwich, but a forthwith is more of a meal. SCRATCH: True. Wish I'd said that. PEARL (threatening look at Scratch): Believe me. You don't. > > In a few moments he was out of sight. Jenifer watched him go PEARL (shaking his head): Head full of stuffing. GYPSY: Didymous? PEARL: No no. Ogilvie. > and then > turned her attention back to the battle. It was truly a draw, with > spells meeting and killing each other in spectacular displays of > color. GYPSY: Why don't they cast transparent spells the other one can't see coming? > > "This could go on for days." Jenifer said. MADGE: So let's describe our complex costuming again! > Joy was silent and Jenifer glanced over at her. The cloud was once > more over the bugaloos face. SCRATCH: R-R-R-A-A-A-AID! > Without a word Joy grabbed the wand away > from Jenifer and launched a lightning bolt against the witches > unprotected back. PEARL: The day they pushed Tinkerbell too far! GYPSY (Joy): Hi. I'm Joy, sales representative for Death? Today we offer free samples of our specialty Death services to preferred customers at no charge, just for switching to Sprint long distance? > It struck and for a moment Witchie-Poo was > vulnerable. SCRATCH: Huh? How vulnerable can a pile of ashes really be? > It was a moment that would stretch into eternity. MADGE (pissed): Oh, like that's *so different* from the previous ones. > Jareth's > spell enveloped her and when the smoke cleared there stood a new > statue in the Labrinth. PEARL: So the secrets of the universe were revealed to you guys in all their ecumenical glory, and *you* bozos use them to throw lightning and freeze stuff! > > "Joy!" Jenifer exclaimed. "What did you do?" ALL (Joy, pathetic): *I DON'T KNOW?* GYPSY (Joy): What flute? > > "What she was ordered to do Mrs. Bass." Jareth said, walking over to > them. He held out his hand and a glassy eyed Joy gave him the wand. >"Though I must admit this is not quite what I had planned. PEARL (Jareth): I thought we'd order in Chinese and flip through my old photo albums. > Your > freeing Witchie-Poo was a masterstroke." GYPSY (Jareth): Oh, and now I see you're staring at me with a vapid expression, and stammering! That's genius! What a grand adversary you make! > > "What did you do to her?" Jenifer demanded. She waved her hand > infront of Joy's face. Joy ignored it and stared blankly at the > world. MADGE: Oh, no, he turned her into Gillian Anderson! SCRATCH: The fiend! > > "Hypnosis, the oldest form of magic. You see I didn't really want to > fight the old hag. We were so evenly matched it would have been a > waste of energy. But you, a human, a heroine. PEARL (Jareth): A nattering nabob of negligees. > You were perfect. All you needed was a little power." SCRATCH (Emeril): And a little essence, to kick you up a notch. BAM! PEARL, GYPSY, and MADGE (at Scratch): SHUT UP! > > "I bet you love to play chess." > > "Of course." Jenifer took a deep breath, calming herself down. > > "Alright what now? Freddy's long gone." > > Jareth shrugged. "I have my own music. PEARL (Jareth): Wanna hear? (sings) DANCE! MAGIC DA-! GYPSY (Jen, quickly interrupting): No-no! Thank you! Maybe later! > But it was necessary to get the knight out of the way. He is a hero, > and they are always an annoyance." MADGE (Jen): Oh! Oh, I see now! Hero *bad*, heroine *good*! Heh! I should've known! (sotto voce) Koo-koo! Koo-koo! > > "He'll be back." > > "My dear Mrs. Bass, getting into my Labrynth is almost as hard as > getting out." SCRATCH: Which in turn is not as hard as taking the Grape Nuts challenge. > He raised his hand. "Come Joy." PEARL (Jareth): We have that dinner party with David Geffen. He's very keen on your reunion tour: "Bugapalooza"! MADGE: Eh. I buy the "looza" part. > > "Wait a minute." Jenifer said, holding Joy back. "What are you going > to do with her?" > > "Eat her." Jareth said simply. "The wings are particularly > succulent." PEARL: Her wings are gossamer! SCRATCH: The sinewy, well-muscled form of gossamer. GYPSY (sings): The bug has got, a cer-tain! Wes-son-al-i-ty! > > "No you don't." Jenifer grunted, pulling Joy back. She succeeded only > for a moment, then the bugaloo passed through her arms like smoke and > reformed at Jareth's side. GYPSY: He's harnessed the power of Hall's vapor action! MADGE (Jen): Joy's gone! And suddenly my phlegm is clearing! > > "Wait!" Jenifer shouted. Jareth waited, a smug expression on his > face. Jenifer looked into his eyes and knew defeat. "Me for her." she > said simply. PEARL: And her for me. Can't you see how ha-da-da-dappy we could be? > "No." > > "What?" SCRATCH (Jareth): Christ! Do you have *any* hearing or retention abilities?! It's like trying to match wits with a Brillo pad! > > "Mrs. Bass if I were to let Joy go I would in short time have an army > of hero's at my door. GYPSY (Jareth): Because it's *almost* as hard to get into my Labyrinth as it is to get out, but not *quite* as hard as I'd previously indicated! > That would be too much trouble just for one > maid." > > "Well, wipe her mind clean then." Jenifer said. "You can do that." MADGE (Jareth): Yes, we get "The Drew Carey Show". > Jareth nodded. "I could, but then I would still have you to deal > with. Plotting, scheming. Planning escapes." PEARL (Jareth): Putting my gold-trimmed china in the microwave. > > "Ok, ok." Jenifer said. Carefully she took Joy's hand and eased her > away from him. Gently she brushed the buggaloos hair from her eyes. > Joy reminded Jenifer so much of Cookie, her younger sister. SCRATCH (snarky): Oh, what's *she* wearing? MADGE (author): Welp, got this one character left over... kinda thin, sorta late in the day, not really connected to anything... aw, what the hell! Throw her in, see what happens. >"Here's the deal. You send her home, unharmed and I promise not to try > and escape, stir uprevolt or do anything like that. I'll just be a > maid." GYPSY: A maid who fights vampires? PEARL: No, just a maid. MADGE: A karate maid looking for her long-lost father! PEARL: *No!* Just, a maid! SCRATCH: Oh! Oh! A wealthy maid-about-town who models by day and fights crime by- PEARL: Stop it! You're not listening! > > "No poisoning, no knife in the back? No attempt to harm me in >anyway?" > > "I promise." Jenifer said. GYPSY: I can *hear* her fingers crossing behind her back. It's echoing from the page like a cannon blast. > "Done." Jareth smiled. Joy suddenly shrunk until she was sealed into > a crystal ball. With a gentle puff of his breath the goblin king sent > the ball on it's way. MADGE: Godspeed, friend bugaloo! Good luck spreading infectious intestinal diseases, and may you always have plenty of dead woodchucks in which to plant your hideous larval offspring. > Jenifer watched until she was out of sight. SCRATCH: SPLAT! PEARL (Jen, horrified): Oh, my god! Right into the windshield! I can't believe it! The horror! > Then turned back to him. Jareth smiled and suddenly they were in his > kitchen. It was a kitchen made from the deepest nightmares of the > most idealistic health inspectors. GYPSY (Jareth, sinister): I got the prototype from White Castle! > But it was not the garbage that made the new maid moan. > > "Oh please." Jenifer said, looking down at herself. She was suddenly > wearing a french maid costume complete with cleavage, MADGE: Call me a nitpicker, but the costume doesn't actually come with the cleavage. > mini-skirt, fishnet stockings high heels and a feather duster. "I'm > just a maid." she said sternly, SCRATCH: A maid who can time travel within her own lifetime! PEARL (leaning over Scratch): NO! JUST, A MAID! SCRATCH: OK, OK! Jeez. > realizing it might be the last time > she could draw a line in the sand. > > "I'm sorry," Jareth gave her the sort of smile a cat would give a > mouse, MADGE: Morphopoanthrism? > "you'll only have to wear that when you serve food." PEARL (Jareth): And by food, I mean your knickers. > > The outfit vanished and was replaced by a long brown skirt and grey > shortsleave blouse. A grey apron completed the outfit. GYPSY: Along with a name tag, saying, "Hello! My Name is Um... I... Wait!" >"This is more > suitable for cleaning. I will expect dinner at seven." MADGE (Jen): Huh, yeah, great. Where do you keep the "screw you"? > > He vanished and, after a sigh Jenifer started to pick up the mess. [Pearl, Gypsy, and Scratch rise to leave.] GYPSY: So, her talk show goes off the air, co-host Angela has to find a real job, and Marty gets to live in the garage forever! Yaaaay! I was hoping for a happy ending! SCRATCH: But- but- but- my Subway card! I'm two stamps short! PEARL: Well sure. There were eight empty paragraphs, so they made you get ten. That's the scam. SCRATCH: I sat through all that for *nothing*? Aw, cr- I am NEVER going to Subway again! NEVER EVER EVER! (pause) Man, I'm hungry. Can we hit Subway on the way out? PEARL: Speaking of free advertising, you guys gotta see this. / * \... = 2 =... > 3 <... [ 4 ]... ( 5 )... | 6 |... [CLOSE UP: A computer screen shows Web Site Number Nine, listing "Blood and Metal" by Shay Caron, with Michael Neylon's comment, *"For no real reason, I like the host segment in the 3rd part of this one"*.] [PULL BACK. Pearl, Gypsy, and Scratch the sky-blue dragon-demon are assembled at the , looking at the screen.] SCRATCH (unenthusiastic): Huh. Lookit. Caron wrote a little sketch about Web Site Number Nine, so Neylon gave him a plug. And look at all the awards he got. PEARL (insincere): Oh really. How nice for him. (brightening to a wide phony smile) On an unrelated note, I certainly don't have any elaborate singing tribute prepared. GYPSY: But about what? MAGIC VOICE (whispers): Shh! Not yet! SCRATCH (ala Shatner): Me neither let's. Do! Something spontaneous and un, rehearsed. [Pause. Pearl is waiting for something, nothing happens.] PEARL (sotto voce, growling at Gypsy): *Now!* GYPSY: Oh! Um... but about what? SCRATCH: Somethin' cool. Somethin' kick-ass! Somethin' like- like- why, Mike Neylon! And Web Site Number Nine! MAGIC VOICE: Awesome! PEARL: Then wait are we whatting for? [Cheesy Hammond organ music plays. The crew reacts with surprised laughs, Pearl smiles, and dances awkwardly to the music.] PEARL: Web Site, Number Nine! It's where MSTings you will find! Every stripe! Every kind! Funnier than M*A*S*H* and ER combined! Oh yes! It's Web Site Number Nine! [Music plays a bar or two while the crew talks.] PEARL: See? It's easy singing the praises of a guy as cool as Dr. Mike Neylon! MAGIC VOICE: It sure is Pearl! Can I try? PEARL: Be my guest, Casper! [Pearl puts her hand playfully to her ear to hear Magic Voice sing.] MAGIC VOICE (sings): Web Site, Number Nine! The Taj Mahal's not half the shrine! If the MSTing you read has an unfunny line, Then Neylon'll buy you a case of red wine! [Pearl's face falls, dumbfounded.] MAGIC VOICE (sings): Our pledge! At Web Site Number Nine! PEARL (trying to smile, nervous): Madge? I don't think Mr. Neylon makes that kind of guarantee. SCRATCH: Don't be silly, Pearl! Michael Neylon can do anything! (swooning) He's dreamy! SCRATCH (sings, pathetically): Web Site, Number Nine! Be My Karen Valentine! Don't leave my love rotting on the vine Or I'll poke my eye out with a plastic fork tine! Soak the wound in salt, not iodine! And you? You'll have to live with my soul-piercing screams of agony echoing in your head forever! *Won't you*, Number Nine! [Pearl is now gritting her teeth, and she grabs Scratch by the snout and shakes her fist at him.] PEARL: If you ruin this, wing monkey! [Suddenly Gypsy interrupts by singing:] GYPSY: Web Site, Number Nine! Better than a steak knife up the spine! So slap my 'hind with melon rind 'cuz that's the penguin state of mind! PEARL (exasperated): *What?!* What does Bloom County have to do with *anything*?! GYPSY: Dunno. It's just fun. (sings) Number Nine! [Pearl growls and pulls on her hair as Scratch, Gyps, and Madge laugh.] [CUT TO: Dungeon of the . Organ music continues. Mike, Tom, and Crow look on.] TOM (gleeful sarcasm): Aw, look, guys! Pearl's tribute to Mike Neylon isn't going that well! CROW (same): Gee! After all she's done for us, too! We should help her out! TOM: Yeah! MIKE (groaning, into camera): Uh-oh! Dr. Neylon, I think you'd better turn your head and think about fluffy kittens! TOM (sings, viciously): Web Site, Number Nine! Run by a *porn addict* pal'o mine! CROW: So what if he solicited male prostitutes that one time? Community service, and a piddling fine! CROW AND TOM: Lay off! Mike Neylon's done his time! [Tom and Crow collapse on each other sniggering. Mike shakes his head at them.] CROW: Ho-ho, that was priceless! TOM: Should we have mentioned his newly acquired doctorate? CROW: Oh, like anything rhymes with "rampant plagiarism"! TOM: Hee-hee! [Mike sighs, and resignedly shrugs his shoulders in apology.] [CUT TO: . As Pearl rages, the HEXFIELD quietly irises open behind her, revealing a grad student in a white lab coat in front of an Internet server with a plush Pinky toy atop it. He patiently waits for Pearl to finish, arms folded, smiling like a cat and tapping his finger.] PEARL (furious, pouty): Fine! I don't care! I mean, it's not like I wanted anything important! I mean, a plug from Neylon? On Web Site Number Nine? (She blows through her lips in dismissal.) Who cares? The man's a geek! A great, gullible sap with an unhealthy fixation on some white mouse retard! A moron, a feeb, a gaby, a complete- [The grad student clears his throat.] PEARL (angrily turns): Whadda *you*- (stops, terrified) Oh. Neylon. [Pearl swallows, tugs at her collar, and returns to the camera with a more desperate phony smile.] PEARL: Sap, of course, is an acronym! For... Stupendous! And... Person. -able! Personable. DR. MICHAEL NEYLON: Thanks! "Thanks" is an acronym, too. For *BITE ME!* [Hexfield irises out. As it closes, we hear:] DR. MICHAEL NEYLON (to himself): Wow, that felt good! "Bite me, pink boy!" "If thou wouldst be so kind... bite me!" [Pearl stares at the closed hexfield for a pause. No one says anything for a beat. Then-] SCRATCH: Hey, Gyps, check it out! You can use Pearl's music to sing the Spiderman theme! (sings) "Spiderman! Spiderman! Does whatever a spider ca-" [Pearl growls and dive tackles Scratch beneath the desk. Scratch yelps. Gypsy watches them as we hear them going at it. ] GYPSY: Oo! (looks to Cambot) Um... we'll be back. I guess. [Scratch makes a disturbing rattling sound, which gets Gypsy's attention.] GYPSY: Pearl, you're gonna hurt your hand. [Logo, Commercials] --- End Part 6 --- Email? pinkboybuffet@hotmail.com! Next --- Previous --- Home MSTing: "The Adventures of goblinsÖ in the Labrynth" with the short "I Want You Back" MSTed by Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg --- Part 7 of 8 --- [OPEN ON: SOL. CLOSE ON Pearl, wearing an eye patch, serenely stroking a stuffed tribble. We hear an electronic hissing, and Scratch, grunting and struggling.] [PULL BACK, Scratch is splayed on the desk, dressed in a tuxedo, tied down with his legs and wings spread apart. A huge gold laser is pointing down from the ceiling, its blue ray moving slowly toward his crotch.] SCRATCH: Pearl? This isn't really about me ruining your Neylon song, is it. PEARL (evilly stroking her tribble): No, Mr. Scratch. I expect you to- (snaps out of it) huh? What- whaddaya mean? SCRATCH: This is really about Mike, and the fact *he* sent *you* that story today! Now admit it! You're in pain, and you had to lash out. PEARL (laughs): Oh, you do amuse me, Mr. Scratch! To think that I would care a fig that- (starts to clench her teeth) that *Nelson*- would send *me*- (Pearl clenches the tribble very tightly in her two hands) a *crummy, little, FANFIC*! [Pearl twists the tribble violently in half. It pops like a fur-covered balloon, with a horrible >SQUEAK!<. Pearl collapses in tears on the desk, except there's no room, so she collapses on top of Scratch.] PEARL (broken down): Oh-ho, it's true! (pounds desk, but Scratch is in the way, and she hits his stomach twice) It's *true*! It's *true*! SCRATCH: Oof! Augh! Man! PEARL: I can't deal with being stuck up here, while that- that- *dairy rube* is down there pulling the strings! SCRATCH: Well don'tcha think you'd feel better if you sent *Mike* a story? PEARL (sobbing): Oh, call Q for a fountain pen that changes into a clue, lizard! The Satellite of Love can't send Mike a story! SCRATCH (sighs): You never even looked my owner's manual, did you. PEARL (sniffing, rising a bit): What? What are you saying? SCRATCH: I'm saying, I'm from hell. Who do you think sends these stories out in the first place? PEARL (stops): So, so, this is doable? You can summon the minions of Baal and their many agents and associates to- you know. SCRATCH (sighs, lays his head back and calls): Hey, Sid! [With a PING!, a large husky devil appears in a red Dept. of Sanitation jump suit (Kevin Murphy, get your ass in here!), laboring with an aluminum trash can slung over his shoulder.] SID: Hey, Scratchmo. (flings can down, points to Pearl) This your gig? SCRATCH: Yup. The ol' ball and chain. SID (looking her up and down, then shaking his head): Aw, man. It's like there's no standards for consorting with the devil anymore. Ever since "Blair Witch". SCRATCH: Tell me about it. PEARL (grabbing Sid's arm desperately): Sid! Sid! I need a story! Something vile! Something putrid! SCRATCH: Something short! [Pearl shoots Scratch a look. Scratch looks apologetic, as the laser is getting close to his crotch.] SCRATCH: Well hey! Like I wanna be stuck here all day? Get real! [Sid and Pearl now huddle over the garbage can, in front of the desk, blocking our view of Scratch.] SID (lifting lid of can): OK, rookie! I'm gonna pour ya a real rotten egg cream called "I Want You Back", a DubbaDubba-esque soap opera featuring Britney Spears as a tawny, clueless Joan Collins ! PEARL: Oooooo! Look at me! I'm goose-pimply! [As Pearl turns with an evil grin to Cambot, smoke starts to rise from behind her and Sid. We hear Scratch "Ouch, ooch, yow!" softly.] PEARL (craftily): Oh, Nelson? SID (sniffing the air): Who's frying snake? [CUT TO: House of Pain. Crow and Tom are showing Mike the new dungeon door, a beautiful red double-door with white trim, intricate frosted glass insets and dried floral wreaths.] MIKE (confused): UmÖ guys? Something's different here. TOM: Yup! Installed a door chime! Try it! [Mike presses the door chime. A lovely chime version of "Livin' La Vida Loca" plays.] MIKE (smiling sadly, resigned): OK. And the key, I'm guessing? CROW: Under the mat on the other side! MIKE (sighing): Naturally. [Suddenly the scene starts flipping, as if the vertical hold has gone. Mike and the bots wobble with their balance.] MIKE: What the-? TOM: Hell! [The scene becomes a rectangle, which drifts back, tilts, and then is shot off screen to the left.] ALL: WHOOOOA! CROW: We're doomed! Again! But in a different and more upsetting way! [PAN, following the screen as it passes through starry space. It passes a single closed eyeball, which opens.] TOM (sings): Looking at yooooouu, I can read your mind! [It passes a window, which shatters.] MIKE (angry mom): I told you kids no football in the house! [It passes a large formula hovering in space, "E=mc2"] CROW: Ah, it'll never catch on. [The screen finds a door on the horizon, rushes toward it, and goes through.] [CUT TO: A cold, dank cavern. We can see black stalagmites across the top of the screen. There are three rocks for our heroes to sit on. Mike and the bots enter from the right.] CROW: Gah! Another fanfic. I hope I haven't forgotten how to do this. TOM: Ah, it's like riding a bicycle, Crow! MIKE: Uh, Tom? You can't ride a bicycle, actually. TOM: Oh. Well, maybe it's like hovering an inch off the floor, then. CROW: Oh, so I'm just some fat earthbound lunkhead. Thanks a lot, pal! MIKE: Sit back, Crow. Just relax. You'll do fine. >I want You Back > TOM (sings as Michael Jackson): OH! Baby give me one more chance! MIKE AND CROW (as other Jacksons): He won't molest your children! > By FrickRokz > FrickRokz@yahoo.com CROW: FrickRokz! For all your rock-fricking needs. MIKE (announcer, quickly): Route 109, off the Claverack Mall. > > "Britney, It is Over..... TOM: Then why imply continuation via ellipsis? > you are too much pressure" > Justin Timberlake said to Britney Spears. [All snicker.] CROW: I forget, is he with Backdoor Boys, or N'SUCK, or 69∞, or what? MIKE (laughs): It's N'SYNC, actually. > Britney had a confused look on her face TOM: Which meant, she was thinking! >"She had never been refused by a guy. CROW: Especially when she asked them to hit her, baby, one more time. > "But Justy, baby, we were just > getting started, we didn't even have sex once." MIKE (Britney): Only twofers! > "And Boy am I glad, and that is > another thing, Don't EVER call me Justy, OR baby AGAIN!" Justin said. TOM: Ah, yes, the Ike Turner method of ending a relationship. > "Britney, > all those years on MMC, I never did like you, you were just so... > so.....what is the word I am looking for?? MIKE: Blonde? CROW: Vacuous? TOM: Obsessed with conquering the shallow world of empty pop music? >.... SLUTTY?" ALL: *Ewwwww!* MIKE: Hey, that'sÖ I mean, *we* were dog piling on Britney! Now this creep comes along, andÖ ick! TOM (despairing): Ew, now we have to defend Britney Spears! I'd rather roll naked in dog food and jump in a jackal pit! > and with this remark, he walked > out of the door, and out of Britney's Life....... > Or So he thought...... CROW: Dum dum dum! TOM: Musical sting? CROW: No, commentary on the characters, plot, and author! > ~*~*~*~*~*3 Months Later~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* MIKE (Justin): So then I said, "Slutty!" Heh heh. No, wait! Come back! > "Hey Krysti Baby, I Love you" Justin said to Krysti, TOM: Hey, he got her name right! Good for him! CROW: Eh, bet he used two of his lifelines, though. > his current Girlfriend. CROW: Our Girlfriend, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy- MIKE (interrupting): Crow, before you end that? Please don't. OK? > Natayla looked at Chris Kirkpatrick, TOM: Her black Jewish quadriplegic boyfriend from Korea! > her boyfriend and said "Oh My God, I > think I am gonna get Sick! MIKE (stilted): Yes, go get your cat named Sick! I would like to pet him! > There is so much sap going around the room." CROW: Vermont is for Lovers! > Krysti shot her an > Evil look, Justin was so much better then her ex boyfriend Keith, TOM: -or her current boyfriends, Liam, Parker and Jeremy! > and she enjoyed the attention that he gave her. MIKE: Like that time he showed how much he cared how her peer group perceived her sexual habits by calling her a slut? > "Hey Justy" Chris teased "Are us four > gonna go out tonight?" Justin glared at him and said "Hey Krysti Babe, > are you up to it?" CROW (Krysti, giggling): Are my lips full and pouty? > "Am I gonna be with you?" TOM (Justin): OK, hon, when he said, "the four of us"? And we're two of the four people in the room? > "Of Course" > "Then what are we waiting for?" MIKE: I have serious doubts about any member of this group having the mental faculties to turn a doorknob. > Krysti and Justin smiled, and Justin Kissed Krysti deeply, and she > enjoyed it. CROW (Krysti): I like the "prrip!" sound! > Natayla and Chris just got up, Laughed, and said, "We'll meet you guys > at the movies, in an Hour OK?" TOM (Justin): OK, hon, when he said the four of us? He meant him and Natalie. MIKE (correcting): Natayla. TOM (perturbed): Oh I am *not* using the name Natayla! > Then Chris and Natayla left. Krysti and Justin kissed, and kissed, and > kissed, CROW: And debated Mike Barnacle's appropriation of Carlin material without attribution! > and kissed, CROW: Oh. That was my second guess. >until they were both tired. Justin looked at his watch and said MIKE (Justin): Hey, lookit, this really thin stick goes around faster than the other two! > "Hey, Krysti we'd better get ready, we need to be there, in 20 >Minutes." TOM: A Really Short CBS News Magazine! > She > nodded in reply, and went to get Ready. CROW (Krysti): Helen Reddy, get a move on! We're late! MIKE: You know, if Krysti isn't played by a blonde, rail-thin twenty- something with three names, it will be very wrong. > Meanwhile back at Natayla's apartment, Chris was flipping through the > channels trying anxiously to find a sports game. [All snigger.] TOM (Chris): Why, look! A sports game! I wonder which one it is? MIKE: There is a man with a stick. This may be the hockey sports game. CROW: Well, hurrah! Perhaps Bret Gretsky will dunk a homer for us! > Natayla was in her black dress putting > up her hair into a new romantic style she had found in a magazine. MIKE: Soldier of Fortune? TOM: Women's Physique World? CROW: Biker Tattoo Weekly? > Even though > they were only going to a movie, maybe, by some miracle, Chris would > take her to a nice restaurant later or just surpass her. [All titter and guffaw.] MIKE (shaking head): My, my, my, my, my. TOM: It would take quite a lot to surpass this story, I'm thinking. > Putting the last barrette in her hair, CROW (sings): Keep your *HAAAA-A-A-AAAAIR*, on the sparrow! MIKE (laughs): No, that was "Baretta", Crow. Good try. > she sighed with relief. "Chris, Hun, could you come here for a sec? TOM (politely annoyed): I'm sacking the Chinese empire, honey! Can it wait? > I'm in > the bathroom." Natayla asked seductively with a grin. > "Just wait, the game's almost over and I need to see who's winning." [All snigger.] MIKE: Frick has a keen grasp of how men enjoy their sports game. > "Please" > she pleaded, "I need a little help. "So Chris rose from the sofa that > he had picked out with her a few months before CROW: What a warm, nurturing, blueberry pancake, antiquing-at-country- tag-sales kind of relationship they have! > and went into the bathroom. Natayla look > extremly different. TOM: She'd Naired her eyebrows off! > He had never really taken the time to notice how beautiful > she was until now. "Could you help me with this?" she pointed to the > tie in the back of her dress. MIKE: What the- she put one of *his* suits on backwards!? The hell? > "Hmmm...." Chris thought touching his chin, "would you like me to help > you out of it?" Natayla gave him a surprised smile. CROW (Nat): You know I'm saving myself for after I'm pregnant. > "You know what I mean, now could you > please?" And he tied it up and started kissing her neck softly TOM (Chris, weakly): UmÖ honey? I tied my thumbs in your dress again. > and rubbing her arms. This was the side she loved to see out of him. MIKE: His churlish, female impersonator side. > The warm passionate side. Laughing a little, Natayla looked down at her > watch. CROW (Nat): UhÖ which one's the little hand again? They're both pretty tiny. >"Oh my god Chris, do you know what time it is? ALL: IT'S, HOW-DY, DOODY TIME! > You better hurry > up because Krysti and Justin are gonna have to wait for us if we take > any longer. TOM: See, if we hurry, *we* have to wait for *them*! And we *win*! >"You mean, 'Justy' right?" Chris said laughing > hysterically. CROW: It's so cute the way they can amuse themselves at that age? MIKE: Mm. He could play with his own foot for hours. > And after ten minutes, they were ready to go. Natayla > hoped no one would mind the way she dressed, but just in case, she > brought along a tee-shirt, jeans, and tennis shoes. TOM: So, she's ready for formal ballroom dancing, or softball! Either one! > "Justin, where could they be?" Krysti said in a worried tone. CROW (Krysti): They're, like, 30 seconds late already! I hate Natasha! MIKE: Natayla. CROW: Her too! > Justin > came over to Krysti, and wrapped his arms around her, and said "They > will be here babe, Let's just enjoy the time we are getting alone. TOM (tempting her): I've got a Pocket Simon! > Krysti giggled a flirtatious laugh, and nodded, when Justin lightly let > his lips brush hers, CROW: He wanted to try on her lipstick! > making Krysti want him more then anything. Krysti > could tell that Justin was teasing her, so she decided to tease him > back. She Licked his lips lightly at first ALL: Huh? > getting > rougher and rougher with each passing minute. TOM: What? Is this lip sex? Mike? MIKE: IÖ don't know. Honest! CROW: It's someone who's never been kissed, describing a kiss! A blind man, explaining red! > Finally Someone cleared their > throat, and said "Ummm... Are we interrupting anything??" It was Chris > and Natayla Hand in Hand next to them. MIKE: Man, all this internal capitalizationÖ was Chaucer reincarnated as an eight-year-old girl? > Natayla Had changed into Jeans because she > became uncomfortable, in the dress. TOM: Ah! Good foresight! > "Justin?! Justin Baby! Is that really you?!" a short brunette came > running up to him, and began hugging all over him. [Crow sniggers.] MIKE: You know what this means, don't you? Somewhere at the MTV Awards there's a golden retriever singing "Crazy"! > "What? Get the hell off me, Who the hell are you?" > "Justy Baby, It is me" Then she smiled. Justin saw her yellow, fungus > filled teeth, [All cackle. Mike shrugs in disbelief.] TOM: And so, the experimental McToadstool Happy Meals go horribly awry! > and shuddered. Then he realized who it was. > "BRITNEY?" He asked. CROW (Justin): Would you sign my lunchbox? > Krysti could not take it anymore. She exploded. > "What the f*** is this Justin? I though you said you loved me? What the > hell? You got some Damn Slut to take my place MIKE (Krys): I thought *I* was your only slut! >when I am at school or something? TOM (Justin): Well, it's like, really hard waiting for kindergarten to be over! > Yeah I > see how you are going to be. Justin.... Justin.... IT IS OVER WITH US! MIKE (Jus, sarcastic): Oh, you're breaking my poor teen heartthrob heart. > I never > want to see you AGAIN" she screamed at the top of her lungs. CROW: At least she maintained her dignity. TOM (Justin): SoÖ see you at your place, then? Later? I'll wear the greasy white T? > Then Krysti ran off tears streaming down her face. "KRYSTI!" Justin > yelled, but she ignored him. MIKE (Krysti): I don't need you! There are plenty of bland smiling boy group singers out there for me to project my fantasies on! CROW (laughs): The sad thing is, she's right, too. > Justin's knees turned to Jell-O, as he fell to the ground. TOM: Ew, now he'll need an arthroscopic surgeon to implant banana slices and apply a whipped cream wrap! > Chris went > over to Justin to comfort him. MIKE (Chris): C'mon, guy. Let's go hit a sports game bar. I'll buy you a generic draft beverage. > Britney smiled to herself when she saw Krysti run off crying. She had > accomplished her plans. CROW: She had created a scene even goofier than the first one! > Her Plans To break up Justin, and Krysti. > Natayla walked over to her, "What the hell is your Problem bitch?" She > said with a deathdifying tone in her voice. [All snigger.] MIKE: Guys? C'mon, easy on the grammar, OK? CROW: Aw, Mike, I can't help it! "Deathdify"?! It's so gosh darn naÔve and innocent and cute and stuff! TOM: I just wanna grab Frick and wrap her up all tight and snuggly in a down comforterÖ making sure all her air passages are nice and blocked! > "Um.. Excuse me, But who are you?" Britney replied almost as if she was > Flirting with Natayla. [All sputter guffaws.] TOM: Now c'mon Mike! Blatantly depicting Britney Spears as a rapacious sex-starved home-wrecking bisexual! Tell me that's not cute! Admit it! MIKE: I won't! It's not! > " Me? Who am I? I AM Your Worst Nightmare." Natayla Yelled before > punching Britney in her nose. [All titter.] MIKE: Man, used to be all women had to contend with was Barbie. Now it's Linda Hamilton, Christie Martin... *this* thingÖ CROW: Soon all the hospitals will be filled with anorexic teenagers with mean right hooks! > Britney fell to the ground in Pain, TOM: Matt Frewer! Or was it Bob Goldthwait? I keep forgetting. > All Natayla did was look at her. > Before running off Natayla looked at Britney with an Evil eye, and then > Spit in her face. ALL: Ugh! Yuck! TOM (old Jewish painter): I would not like to be hated by you, Asher Lev. MIKE: Did Frick skip the ABC Afterschool Special on "Dealing with Anger" to pen this little verbal Molotov? > Krysti ran through all the dark alleys and finally she stopped right > outside the back entrance of a Club. CROW (Krys): HmmÖ "Hooters". Finally, a place where I'll be treated with respect! > A dark but Handsome man walks out > the back door, and she does not see him. She runs Smack Dab into him, > and falls Unconscience on the ground. [All chuckle.] MIKE: Krysti's got all the physical fortitude of a Yugoslavian car! > She slowly opened her eyes. It was blurry and painful. Krysti heard > voices in the background. "Are you OK? Can you hear me? How many > fingers am I holding up?" TOM (Krysti): What, including the ones holding my wallet? > He thought for a minute trying to count it himself. MIKE (slow): DuuuuuhÖ one? DuuuuuhÖ two? CROW: It's Justin! I'd recognize that penetrating intellect anywhere! > Krysti just kind > shook her head. "Well, anyway, are you ok?" "Yeah, I think so" Krysti > said sitting up on the pavement. > "What happened?" MIKE (Krys): Well, Frick needed me to Meet someone on the Rebound- but I Never thought he'd Be so Literal! > "You hit the ground hard after you ran into me" the guy said. "Oh, I'm > really sorry mister. TOM (Krys): I'll assume culpability so he'll like me! > You see I was just...well, nevermind" MIKE (sings like Nirvana): Hello, hello, hello, hell no! Hello, helloÖ > she stopped > in the middle of her sentence. "Well, as long as you are OK, then > there's nothing to worry about" he said, helping her up slowly. Krysti > stood up and wiped the rocks and dirt off her clothes. [All titter. Mike shakes his head.] TOM: No way. Nuh-uh. Not unless the rocks were covered in felt and she's wearing Letterman's Velcro suit. CROW (sing-song): Rock around the collar! > She didn't > recognize the man standing before her. He was just a saint. MIKE: Ah, the gentle fragrance of young codependency in bloom! > Back at the > theater parking lot, Natayla was in the worst mood. This > Totally ruined her plans to get romantic with Chris. CROW (Nat): Damn friends! Always *their* pain! *Their* needs! >"Why did you have to go and > do that to Krysti like that you..you..you pig? You slefish pig!" > Natayla screamed with rage. TOM: Shania, I wouldn't go hurling that word "slefish" around if I were you. MIKE (correcting): Natayla. TOM (softly swearing): Never! > "Hey chill girl, its nothing what it looks like. Not at > all." Justin said trying to explain. "You see that SLUTTY little bitch > that came through..." CROW: Justin needs a higher-quality "Word of the Day" calendar. > he was interupted."No, that SLUTTY little bitch is also your girl, > right? How could you do that to such a sweet girl like Krysti? What's > wrong in your head?" ALL (sing like B-52's): A wig! A wig! A wig! > Natayla folded her arms. "Chris, man, dude, you got help me out > here. You know nothing is on between me and Britney. Come on man, you > know" Chris looked at him and smiled, "I'm not getting into this. Cat > fight meow...when does it become mud wrestling?" [All sputter and cackle.] CROW: It's funny because that's exactly the way Chris would behave in real life! MIKE: Comedy is a mirror into ourselves, it is. > "Ugh, is there a single man in this > world with any common sense? "Natayla asked bluntly. Chris opened his > arms to her, "Right here baby." TOM: Punch him! C'mon, once to the Adam's apple! Snap it! CROW: He's *way* more vile than Britney! Wait'll you see *his* teeth! > "Justin, you better go after her and see what is going > on and try to tell her something that doesn't sound as stupid as you > told me. I swear, you hurt her, and I'll be all up in your face. MIKE (Nat): You go lie to your ambiguous girlfriend or I will give you *such* a talking to! > Go find Krysti and get everything straightened out, please? So that we > can all enjoy tonight peacefully?" pleaded Natayla. Justin agreed and > followed Krysti's footsteps. TOM: SoÖ does anyone notice the major pop star bloodied and unconscious in the alley back there? Spit dripping down her face? No? >He knew he had to settle it. Justin loved Krysti more than life, CROW: -but not as much as Time or Newsweek. > but he needed to prove it and show her. Justin ran off in the direction > he saw Krysti Run. MIKE: The Hollywood remake of "Run Lola Run", set in Encino Valley! >"You... you are an angel" Krysti whispered softly. > "You are too Darling," he whispered back. JC leaned down and softly > caressed her cheek. CROW: Huh? JC? Where the hell-? TOM (JC from "Side Hackers"): *MY OWN FLESH I DON'T LOVE BETTER!* > JC sat back up straight, and introduces him self by > saying "Hello Sweetheart, My Name is JC," MIKE: Oh! See, he's introduced himself, so we can pretend it makes sense! CROW: Mike, I can barely pretend this is English, OK?! Lay off. > Krysti sighed at his > sweetness. Then she opened her mouth to say something, but she felt a > strong muscular hand clamp tight over her mouth. TOM (shocked): Mahalia! MIKE (gently correcting): No. Natayla, Tom. >"JC!" she screamed, although her screams were muffled. > "Take your Grimy ass hands off of her NOW!" JC Yelled at the stranger. > "You think I am afraid of your Puny ass?" he replied. CROW: Chad. The sociable kidnapper. > At this point, the man picked Krysti up by her wrists, and dragged her > over by him, scraping the backs of her legs against the concrete. MIKE (JC): You take your hands off her NOW! (pause) NOW! (weakly) Um, now? Please? Mister criminal element type sir? [Crow titters.] > Krysti cried out in > Pain, as the man began to rip at her Clothes. JC jumped at the man, but > the man batted him away as if he were a fly. TOM: What? Suddenly we're in Sunnydale? We gotta drag Buffy and Angel into this psychomire? > JC Fell Unconscience on > the ground. Now the man had totally undressed the bottom half of > Krysti, and began to undress himself. ALL (shocked, revolted): WHOA! CROW: Is this the same piece I called naÔve earlier? TOM (queasy): Whoa, Mike, I don't feel so good! MIKE (nervous): Steady on now. Brave soldier. We can make it. > When Krysti Tried to squirm away, he only held her > down harder and pulled out a gun, which he shoved in her mouth. TOM: Don't! You don't know where it's been! Heh! (moaning) Ooooh, I'm gonna rolf. MIKE: It's OK! Stay in your happy place! Come on! (softly, sing-song) The happy place, the happy place! > At this point Krysti thought to herself "I cannot stop this, Why > should I die fighting, I have nothing to live for." CROW: If only the producers of "The Man Show" were this introspective. > Krysti stopped > struggling as the man ripped off his clothes, CROW: Uh-oh. TOM (in terror): Mike? MIKE: Guys, it's not gonna happen! She wouldn't dare- > and pushed himself inside > of her, tearing apart her female organs with every violent thrust. ALL (crying in fear for their very souls): *AAAAAAAAAAAUGH!* TOM (dry heaving, in misery): Blaugh! Ugh, there's nothing in my system to throw up! I have no chunks, and I must hurl! MIKE (raising fists): OK! You and me, Frick! C'mon! CROW: Mike, settle down! She's an eight year old girl. MIKE: You don't know that! You have no photos! She can't prove it! (sits back) Gaaaah! > When > he heard Footsteps coming through the alley, he quickly got up off > of Krysti, and re-dressed, and left Krysti for dead. MIKE: Oh yeah? Well that's *stupid!* TOM and CROW (shocked): MIKE! MIKE: I'm sorry, I'm too revolted to be clever right now! "Tearing apart her female organs". Jeez! > Along with JC. > "KRYSTI! KRYSTI WHERE ARE YOU!" Justin yelled Frantically. Justin heard > the faint sobs of a girl, and began to worry, his heart pounding a Mial > a minute, CROW: Mial? Didn't he get to the finals of Wimbledon a few years ago? TOM: That's Mal Washington, Crow. > his braing thinking 1001 thoughts about what he had done, and > where Krysti was. Justin saw a girl lying on the ground, with an > unconscience man lying a mere few feet from her. TOM: Ah, he found her by following the trail of Tropical Fruit Skittles! > He ran over to see > what the matter was, and he saw Krysti. Justin's Pace quickened when he > saw that it was Krysti he had seen. MIKE (racing announcer): And it's Justin's Pace hugging the rail, making his move on the inside, but HEEEERE, COMES, *MELODRAMA*! > "Oh My god! Krysti! No Please god! > Don't take her from me!" he paused "Krysti? Krysti... Krysti are you > awake?" Justin yelled at the top of his lungs. CROW (Krysti, groggy): Well I am now, ya dink! > Natayla heard Justin > yelling and came by him. She was out of breath from running > the 4 blocks it took to get there. "Justin, What is wrong with > Krysti?" TOM: Huh. Typical Bethaylia, bein' sarcastic and flippant andÖ > She asked very seriously. TOM: Oh! My mistake. Sorry. >"Nat, Run back to Chris, get his Cell Phone, > and call the Police. Krysti was raped!" Natalya Gasped. She cried all > the way back to Chris. Justin sat huddled over Krysti, hugging her, and > singing her favorite songs to her. MIKE (weepy Justin, singing tenderly): Don't fear the reaperÖ Baby take my handÖ (sniffs, stops singing) Somehow this doesn't seem very appropriate right nowÖ > Helping her hang onto her Life. > "Hey sexy, what's wrong?" Chris said Sympotheticly when he saw Nat come > runniung up to him. CROW: Ah, good old Chris "Quick On the Uptake" Kirkpatrick! > Her eyes were red and puffy from Crying, and she looked like She had > just lost her Best Friend, and Chris told her so. > "Hey Nat, babe, What's wrong? You look like you just lost your best > Friend." TOM: The clown prince of sexual assault, people! Give it up! > "Close enough" she replied. > "What? I don't get it, I am confused." CROW (Chris): Did you lose your best friend or not? > "Chris, Krysti was raped, and she is unconscience, Justin is trying to > get her to wake up, But she won't, TOM (Nat): And it's starting to piss me off! > Chris, I am scared." > "Shhh... Shhh... It will all be OK Babe, Krysti isn't going to die, MIKE: Not without an intolerably prolonged deathbed scene, anyway! > Now let's call that hospital OK?" CROW (Nat): Well, I don't really see the point, butÖ ahem! That hospital has a lot going for it! It is certainly OK, in my book! > Minutes later, the police and ambulences arrived. Natayla and Chris > went up to meet them and give answers to thier exhausting questions. MIKE (cop): Did you witness the crime? TOM and CROW (Nat and Chris): No. CROW (Chris): Wow, I'm beat after that! Wanna sit and watch a sports- TOM (Nat): *DON'T*, say it. [Logo, Commercials] --- End Part 7 --- e-mail: pinkboybuffet@hotmail.com Next --- Previous --- Home MSTing: "Labyrinth", with "I want You Back" (short), by FrickRokz by Brendan Herlihy & Steve Weinberg --- Part 8 of 8 --- [OPEN ON: Mysterious theater inside a sinister cave. Mike, Tom, and Crow continue riffing "I want You Back"] > JC was picked up off the ground after given some stuff to wake him up, [All titter.] CROW: The "stuff" was hooked to a car battery, and shaped like a cattle prod! > and put into the police car. They gave Natayla a blanket. TOM (Natayla): Hm! Martha Stewart Fleece! Snuggly! > SHe was in a > slight phase of shock. Chris held her close, calming her down. Rubbing > her gently and repeating softly that it would be ok. MIKE (Chris): Um... you know what I've heard helps sometimes, is when you let your boyfriend play poker with the guys, and you make sandwiches? > SHe still couldn't believe it. "Who could ever do such a thing?" > Natayla thought to herself. She watched them put Krysti on the strecher > and as they slid her inot the almbulance. CROW (paramedic): OK, now before we go, we have these standard release forms... blah, blah, blah, we accept no liability for rape plot, not responsible for depiction of tawny pop star as slut, yadda yadda... > SHe held Krysti's hand tightly praying and crying. > "DOn't leave Krysti. You can't leave."The parametics shut the doors and > went on their way. TOM (Justin, as ambulance leaves): Oh. Well... maybe you can leave, then. But you'll come back, right? Call me? > Natayla ran over to Justin and gave him a hug. One > where it felt she could never let go. It was the first time Chris or > Natayla had ever seen him cry. At least,seriously anyway. MIKE: Justin had always been a frivolous crier. > Chris came > over and pulled her gently away. They all stood there for a minute and > just stared into space. CROW (Chris): So. Applebee's? Anyone? > The alley was dark and gloomy. Rain started to > pour, but none of them seemed to care. TOM: Hmph. Another author abusing the laws of meteorology. CROW: If this really worked, there wouldn't be any droughts! It'd rain every time some dork got dumped by his girlfriend! >They walked back to the theater, > knowing this was a huge turning point in their lives. Justin opened the > door to his Benz and told Chris he could sit in the back with Natayla > to make sure she would be alright. MIKE (Chris, whining): But I wanna sit in the front seat! Mom said I could! 'S'not fair! > Justin turned on his windshield > wipeers, not even bothering with the radio. CROW (Jus): They'd probably play that elevator music N'SYNC crap anyway. > He waited for some of the traffic to go by and turned on his right > turning signal and pulled out onto the road. TOM: Then past the train crossing- OH NO! [MIKE screams in horror and agony.] CROW (droopy, somber): Why don't they look? > The hospital hallways were empty and silent. The only > sound was the tapping of Justin's foot against the floor. CHris had > came back with an orange juice, milk, and Dr. Pepper for them. MIKE: All mixed in one canyon-sized cup! > He sat down next to Natayla, while running his fingers through her > hair. Justin held his head down and didn't speak. He took his milk and > just sat it on the table. CROW: Is beverage management the best focus of the scene here? > Footsteps were heard down the hall. Justin > suddenly jumped and ran over to the doctor comeing their way. CHris > stood up and helped Natayla up as well. TOM: C'mon, honey. We're at grandma's. Wake up. > They walked slowly, with her > head against his chest. Justin kept still while the doctor explained > Krysti's condition to him. "I'm sorry, this is confidential", the > doctor said as Chris and Natayla came closer. MIKE: Well then why are ya tellin' *that* pork chop? Shouldn't Krysti's parents be there or something? CROW (sighs): It's Neverland, Mike. No parents. Just love affairs, pop stars and pirate kings. > "Nah, its ok doc. They are friends and were there when this happened. > Its cool." Justin said trying not to cry. > "So, how is Krysti? Is she gonna live?" Natayla said almost as > whispering. TOM (doctor): Well, she *might* have... if we hadn't needed that liver so badly... > Everyone looked at her in surprise. It was the first word they had > heard from her in a few hours. > "Well, she is in very critical condition MIKE (doctor): But apparently still polling ahead of Gore in New Hampshire. > and I can't say what is gonna > happen to her in the next few hours, but all I can say is, pray for > your friend. SHe needs all of your blessings right now." CROW (doctor): We may try a few surgery thingies, but since I'm her doctor, believe me- prayer has a better chance. MIKE: Freedom of religion be damned. They shouldn't let Christian Scientists practice medicine! > As the doctor finished, he walked away, and > disappeared around a corner. TOM: Man, Anthony Edwards is a real jerkwad. > Natayla started crying again and Justin looked as he would too. CHris > pulled Natayla away from him and asked Justin to watch her. Justin > nodded and started talking to her. Chris went over to the nurse at the > counter and asked if Krysti was allowed to have visitors. CROW (nurse): Well, I told her birth mother no, but... hmm, your album went platinum, you go ahead. > "Yes, just be very quite and go to section B floor 6 room 112." The > nurse said smiling. MIKE (Chris): Thank you. I *will* be very quite. > Chris smiled back and thanked her. He went back to Justin and took back > Natayla from him. > "Well?" Justin said, "What did she say?" > "Krysti is on the sixth floor somewhere around there. [All titter.] TOM: Yes folks, Chris Kirkpatrick! Details are like annoying little gnats he swats from his head! CROW: This guy's a metal key short of a canned ham! MIKE: Very quite. > We'll find her, don't > worry." CHris said hugging Justin. "Everything will be alright, I > promise." But he knew that was a mistake to make right in Justin's > face. MIKE: You know, I've heard people say the nature of evil is beyond our comprehension. But I thought it was just a saying. TOM: Well, now we know better. > They got off the elevator, and onto the floor. Walking down, > looking at the rooms, Chris kept repeating to himself, "112, 112, 112." CROW: Nah, their remake of "Revolution Nine" is *way* too complicated. > They walked into a dark hallway and looked at the door numbers. 104, > 105, 106...they kept walking. 107, 108, 109..still trying to find her > room. TOM (Chris, whining): Oh, why couldn't they have lain these rooms out in some sort of logical sequence? > 110, 111, 112..."This is it", Chris blurrted out. "This is the room." > "Can you guys give me a minute alone with her first?" Justin said. > "Sure, take all the time you need. We'll be out here." With a > handshake, MIKE (Justin): Thank you. My girlfriend has been hideously violated in ways I can never make right, so your handshake means a helluva lot! > Justin knocked on the door and entered, shutting it behind > him. "Krysti, It is me, Justin," he said softly and on the verge of > tears. "It is OK Baby, you will make it through this." CROW (Justin): Oh, um, while you were in the ambulance? I found your diary, and I read it, and I took a poem from it and turned it into a song and we recorded it and it's number one and you're not getting a penny? I hope that's OK. > Justin looked down at Krysti, she looked so angelic, as if she were > sleeping peacefully. Justin looked away, and began to whimper softly, > Then he felt a hand lightly caress his face, and startled. > "Krysti?" He gasped. "Oh my God Krysti!" He yelled "You are OK, Thank > God, Thank you Jesus," Justin yelled. TOM (Jesus): Thank *you*, caller. Now, let's talk with Kyle from South Park! Hello, you're on the air with Jesus Christ! > "Chris, I think something is wrong with Justin, I am going to go see > what the yelling is about." Natayla said. MIKE (Natayla): I am also going to verbalize my thoughts, because dialogue is the only form of exposition I can think of. > Chris nodded in agreement, > and Natayla took off down the hall. She knocked on the door, and it > creaked open, So she Pushed it open, and Gasped. CROW (Nat, shocked): Mom! TOM (mother): Oh, Layla dear, you've come to visit! CROW (Nat): Can't talk, mom! Um, good luck with that... appendix. TOM (mother): Kidney transplant, dear. CROW (Nat): Yeah, whatever. > "What? Oh My God! Where are they! Isn't this the Right room?" She > looked at the door Number, "Number 110?" She said out loud. "Whew," > she said with a breath of relief. [All bust a gut laughing.] MIKE: Well what the hell was the point of THAT?! TOM: No point. But the staff wanted us to see how cool Room 110 was! > She went down to Room 112, and knocked again. Justin startled and ran > to get the door. He hugged Natayla when he saw her. He was the > Happiest man Alive. CROW: Regis Philbin? >"Nat! She is Alive, Krysti.. She... she... She just touched > my face!." MIKE (Jus): I *hate* when she does that! She *knows* I have touching issues! > He paused and cought his breath. "Nat, Stay here with her, I > have to talk to Chris, and then I have some buisness to take care of, > But STAY HERE WITH HER." He commanded. TOM (Jus): Oh, and BUILD AN ARK! WITH TWO OF EVERY CLASSIC MUSCLE CAR! > Nat promised she would. She sat > by Krysti's side, and held her hand. Krysti had fallen asleep. CROW: You'd think for Krysti's big "reawakening" scene, she'd've actually been *in* it at some point. MIKE: Well, be fair. Rape is hardest on the teen pop star boyfriend. > Natayla > quickly fell asleep by her side. Justin bumped into Chris in the halls, TOM: With David Foley and Scott Thompson! > and Explained about the condition of Krysti. CROW (Justin): So the doctors say she's out of the story, 'til the Third Act at least. > Chris flashed him a smile, > and went to Join Natayla and Krysti. Justin on the other hand had plans > of his own, to deal with a specific someone. MIKE: You know, while I applaud Justin's pursuit of interests outside the music industry, shouldn't there have been some *tangential* mention of his career by now? TOM (Justin, singing, happy): Feelin' like a freak on a leash! Doo wop doo wop doo wop! > Justin jumped into His > Benz, and headed over to Britney's House. His clothes were dirty from > all of his running, and he ended up, in a pair of Black shorts, and an > Undershirt by the time he arrived in Britney's Driveway. [All chuckle.] CROW: So his clothes just dissolved on the way over there? MIKE: Shout removes unsightly stains by removing your unsightly shirt! > He waled up the heart shaped pathway, TOM: But he couldn't catch one. Then Ishmael suggested whaling up the Bay of Cape Cod, and their fortunes changed forever! > and knocked on her door. Britney answered half dressed, CROW: Really? Which half? MIKE (sigh): You realize I now must say CROW! CROW: Mike, I'd feel slighted if you didn't! > and smiled at the site of Justin the same way. "Well, Hello Justy." She > said Seductively. She expected Justin to get Horny but he didn't he was > there for one reason and one reason Only. TOM: To get lucky! Oh wait. > "Britney, What the f*** is your problem? I told you I > didn't like you, now leave me the f*** alone." > Britney just laughed. MIKE: Oh, they're so cute when they first learn the "f" word! > "You are not over me Justin, you have no way to prove it." CROW (Brit): I make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain! > "Oh yeah Bitch? Wanna bet? Here I will prove it to you right here and > richt now." TOM: Well there's no need to get so German about it. MIKE: It's just another typo, Tom. Ease up. > Justin pulled out his "Britney Envelope" All of his memoried with > Britney. [All titter.] > A Movie ticket, from their first date, a Pic of them kising > that Chris took. And The 9 Inch Tommy Hilfiger Chain that Britney got > Justin. MIKE: And that half a leftover Reuben they took home with them from Carnegie's. CROW: Oh, let's face it. Justin is just Krysti with a crew cut! > He walked over to the fire place, and threw them in. > "Watch them burn Bitch, This is the last you will EVER see of me!" TOM (Justin): Except for the Grammies. We're still on for that, right? > Justin storemed out again, but stopped right inside the door, to see > what Britney was going to do. CROW (slyly): Whoa! Tai chi! In her underwear! Kinky! > Britney picked up her phone, and called Joey. > "Yeah What?" Joey said when he answered the phone. > "Joe, It is me, Brit. I need another favor of you." > "Yeah what?" he replied MIKE (Krys): Shower! Please! I can smell you next door! > "Just like the last one, but this time, go for her best friend. Chris > and Justin are best friends, as are Natayla and Krysti, I figure you > help me ruin all four of their lives this time." TOM (Joey): Well, you can do that by releasing another album. > Justin gasped. "Joey?" He yelled. Britney startled. "You heard that?" > "Yeah you bet your fake plastic tits I heard that, [All snicker.] MIKE: OK. That's it. I want a battle of the bands, and I'm rooting for mutual assured destruction. Right now! (as Joe Don Baker) Go ahead on! > and now I am going > to report your skank ass to the police." CROW (Brit): You leave my mule's sexual habits out of this! > Justin said, he began to walk > out of the door, but heard a Gun Cock, so he stopped. [All chortle.] MIKE: I can't believe that was a planned capitalization. > "You are not going anywhere Justin!" Britney yelled. > "Now drop your ass on the ground, and..." she was cut off by the phone. > "Hello?" she said. > "Hey! Brit Babe, What's up?" a familiar male voice on the other end > said. > "JC??" she exclaimed. [All sputter a guffaw. Crow shakes his head.] > "JC, yeah it is me JC, How have you been baby?" > Britney was totally distracted by the convorsation, and forgot about > Justin. [All laugh out loud. Mike holds his head in his lap in disbelief.] TOM: Not exactly the swiftest horse in the Devil Derby, is she? CROW (Brit): Justy, sweetie? Could you take this gun and shoot yourself in testicles for me? I have to take this call. > Britney and JC had a rather lengthy convorsation. MIKE: About anything and everything! The weather, the movies, the hostages she's taken, the people who'd beat him up... > Justin army > crawled his way over to Britney, and grabed her Ankles, swept her feet > out from under her, and made her ass fall to the ground. CROW (Brit): Oh, no fair! You skillfully exploited my lack of peripheral vision and infinitesimal attention span! TOM: Helen Keller would have made a better villain than this yutz. > She dropped the phone, and Justin grabbed it. "Thanx JC Bro, I owe you > one," MIKE (Justin): And I'm glad to see you're recovering nicely from that superhuman behemoth whipping your head against the wall! > "Yeah, It is OK, Just keep Brit away from Krysti, and Natayla!" CROW (JC): Oh, and my brownies, if you could! I'm saving them for later! > Justin > and JC said good bye and hung up. "What?" Britney was startled > "You are JC were in this together?" TOM (Jus): Yes! And we couldn't have planned it... (pause) MIKE: What? TOM: Nothing. We just couldn't have planned it. > "That's right Brit. JC has always agreed with me that you were slutty. MIKE: Well aren't you and JC just cosmopolitan purveyors of bon homie? > And Now Little Miss Bitch, you are going to stay here, while I make > sure that My Girlfriend is doing OK, you got me?" Justin tied her hands > with string, tape, and handcuffs CROW: And Silly Putty, and some used gum he found under the table! > to a pole Just to make sure. TOM: Huh. Knowing this boob, he's tied her to a kitchen mop. MIKE: So... you wanna get the police involved here, Justin? 911? Maybe? > Justin hopped into his Benz, and drove back into the hospital. > Justin ran into room 112, and saw Krysti sleeping peacefully in her > bed, and just sat and watch. "You are such an Angel Krysti... CROW (Justin): I could tell from the way you ran out on me the second things got rough! > Please don't slip away from me." Justin said. TOM: I must say, the press has been very considerate about all this, the way they've not shown up and everything. MIKE: Well sure, he's a teen sensation whose girlfriend was raped by a fellow band member hired by another teen sensation, but that doesn't mean it's news. > "It is OK Buddy She will be there.. she is not going to die..." a > stranger said. He looked up to see Joey Fatone, [All snicker.] CROW: Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the fanfic... TOM: Joey "Fatone". > an old schoolmate of his. > "Joey?" He said. > "Yeah Justin, It is me, I heard that you and Krysti were dating, and > then I heard she got raped. MIKE: In that order! > So, I came to see how you and her were > doing." Joey Said. CROW: So... he's Joey Said? TOM: No, Joey "Fatone"! Pay attention! > "Ahhhh!!!! It is Him! Keep his away from me!" Krysti yelled when she > woke up. She was sweating. > "Shh... Krysti... It is OK.. Shh.... MIKE (Jus): Hm, Britney hired a man named Joey... there's a man named Joey here... Krysti's screaming it's him... This is so hard! Joey Fatone, what do you think's happening? > Are you going to be alright?" Justin said comforting her. > "Shut your Mouth you little whore!" Joey yelled. ALL (startled): *YAH!* CROW: Man! This fanfic turns from bungling to repellent on a dime! > "Joey What are you doing?" Justin asked. TOM (angry mother): Joey Fatone, you explain yourself this instant! > "Don't play dumb with me blondie, you know exactly what happened. Your > ex Britney hired me to Rape and Kill Krysti. CROW: So... then she'd be, Corpus Krysti, I guess. MIKE (laughs and moans): You are just beneath punishment, you know that? > Except for the damn > Killing part Didn't work cuz of that stupid JC." Joey replied. > Justin was offended. [All sputter in laughter.] TOM (Justin): Joey Fatone, I am miffed and annoyed at these shady shenanigans! MIKE: Whatever happened to the bright young Joey Fatone with the glint in his eye and a song in his heart? > "Well First of all, poindexter, I am not a natural Blone, CROW: It took three bottles of hair dye to get this Blone! > so I am not that Dumb. MIKE: If blondes are dumb, what does it say about someone who wants to *be* blonde? CROW: A lot, I'd say. > And second of All, it is Nighty Night time for you." > Joey Was cnfused, "What the hell are you talking about?" > Justin spun his finger in a cirle, and Joey turned around, Right as > Chris Hit him over the head with a Bed pan. TOM (Joey): Oof! So- does this mean I'm out of the band? Aaaaugh... > Joey fell to the ground in an unconscience heap. CROW: So the human wrecking crew that hurled a man across an alley can be taken out with a cookie sheet! MIKE: Well, Superman has Kryptonite. Maybe Joey Fatone has Krysti's urine. TOM and CROW (crying): *EW-HEW-HEWWWW!* TOM: Gee, thanks for that image, *MIKE*! > "Oh Justin! Thank you! I Love you so Much!" Krysti said as Joey fell to > the ground. CROW (Chris, holding bedpan): Yeah, Justin, that was real brave, the way you dove beneath the bed while I risked my life for your girlfriend. But hey! I'm not bitter. You keep smooching and necking, ya big dumb... > Justin gave her a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. > "Krysti, I have something I need to ask." Justin said as Natayla handed > him a box. MIKE: That said "Frederick's of Hollywood". > Krsyti got a knot in her stomach. > "Krysti, We have been through alot together, just tonight, and ...and > ...Krysti, what I am trying to say is will you mar..." Justin was cut > off by the doctor barging into the room. CROW: Oh, he ruined the mood! (wistful) Suddenly he's my favorite character of all! TOM: You know, what I have learned from this fanfic is, when people are knocked unconscious? They *disappear!* Like a video game! It's neat! > "Miss Winterland, I am sorry to inform you of this, but you are > pregnant." Then he walked out. MIKE: Doctor No-one! Advancing medical plots, then leaving, since 1961! > Krysti was startled. "Justin, No.. I can't be, I Do not want to > Have Joey's Baby, Justin I want to have yours!" CROW (Justin): Well I won't *give* you my baby, but maybe we could, like, share it or something. > "Krysti...I...I.. I don't know what to say." Justin said wearily. > "Wait! Justin! Remember, 3 Nights ago?" Justin had a puzzled look on > his face. TOM (sarcasm): There's a Muppet News Flash. > "Justin Randall Timberlake! Think! 3 Nights ago, we slept together. MIKE (Justin): Oh, that was *you*? Man, were *you* a cold fish! > Remember? It might not be Joey's Afterall." > "Krysti, You just HAVE to promise me, that we can get a blood test to > find out who's baby it is." Justin said. CROW (Krys): But, I can't! I don't test very well! I go all clammy! > Krysti agreed, and Natayla and Chris left the room, leaving Krysti and > Justin alone. MIKE (Krys): So. Wanna be warm, tender, and comforting? TOM (Jus): Nah. Did that when you were unconscious. Jenga, maybe? > *~*~*~*9 Monthes later*~*~*~*~ > "It is OK Krysti, Push!" Justin said as Krysti was in Labor. CROW: The Tories threw her out, for roughhousing! > Krysti was crying, and sweat was running down her face as she pushed > harder and harder. MIKE: The fiftieth pushup's the only one that counts, Krys! Dig deep! > After about 4 Hours of labor, Joshua Randall > Timberlake was born. > *~*~Elswhere*~*~* > Natayla sat on the chairs of the hospital waiting rooms, TOM (horrified): St. Elsewhere? No! MIKE: Yup! One year, you're redefining the parameters of television drama, the next, you're a setting in a crappy fanfic. CROW: Fickle business, show biz. > she spun her engagement ring on heron her finger CROW: So, a bird got engaged? > and smiled. She was so happy with her life. She was now Engaged to > Chris, she had her own little bundle of joy on the way, TOM: Chris was scoring a kilo of- MIKE (laughs, puts hand over Tom's mouth): Don't. Just don't. > and she got named Joshua's God Mother. Her Life was perfect. CROW (Nat): Why, this rape turned out pretty great! I love it when personal tragedies don't affect me! > ~*~*~*In Krysti's Hospital room*~*~*~ > "Mrs. Timberlake I have some good news." The doctor said when he > entered then room where Justin, Krysti, Chris, and Natayla were. > "Yes Dr.?" She replied. TOM (doctor): You have a rare disease which makes Justin love you and have a big wedding and the President buys you a pony! > "We Did a Dna Sample from your Baby, [All cackle.] MIKE: That's "Dna", pronounced "dinner". We sampled your baby's dinner, and it's getting cold. CROW: So is that sentence the title? It's capitalized like the title! > and from your Husband, And I am happy to inform you that TOM (doctor): -we could have done all this six months ago. We all hate you, and I'm tearing this report up to make you take the test again! > the baby Is not your Rapists." > Krysti and Justin both cried happy tears. MIKE (doctor): I wonder if I should tell them it's not Justin's either. Aw, hell! Why spoil the moment! > They were happy they were together, CROW: Flo and Eddie! (sings) Imagine me and you! And you and me! > they were happy they had a baby, and they were happy that > Their life was perfect too. TOM: This story brought to you by the Rape Council! Come on! It's not all *that* bad! MIKE: *You*, are going to rot in hell for that, mister. TOM: Well- we kinda are, Mike. CROW: Nah, that wall opened there, see? I think we can go. MIKE: Whew! Good. I know we've been shot into space by mad scientists and pulled through wormholes and stuff... but that was *weird!* [Mike and the bots exit the strange cave.] [E=mc2]... [window re-assembles]... [giant eye closes]... [screen floats in] [CUT TO: SOL. Pearl, Scratch, and Sid are gloating on one side of the desk, while Gypsy looks on at the other.] PEARL: Heh-heh, now, Mike Nelson, now you are truly in my clutches! SCRATCH: Yeah! Hey Pearl, no rest period! Send'em another! Watch'em squirm! PEARL: Oo! A double-hurter! I like the way you think, lackey! GYPSY (to herself): Oo, no! Poor Mike! I've got to stop this! But how? MADGE (hushed): Shut off the oxygen! GYPSY: I can't kill them, Madge. There's got to be another way! MADGE: OK, OK. How about, you tell Pearl you have an urgent problem on Deck Twelve, see? And when she gets down to meet you, instead, you *shut off the oxygen!* GYPSY: Madge! MADGE: Just a little bit! GYPSY: No killing! That's final! SCRATCH (to Pearl): What next, my liege? Something from our extensive Hanson self-insertion collection? PEARL: No-no-no-no, nothing so innocent. Sid, you got any Red Dwarf/ Voyager/Small Wonder crossovers that feature sex with a sheep? SID (opening can): Hm, let me check newzealand.com... GYPSY: I've got it! (clears throat) Why! Things are certainly going very smoothly up here. Wouldn't you say so, Pearl? PEARL (laughing): Oh, I think I can back you up on that, Shop Vac. GYPSY: You wouldn't change a thing? PEARL: Not one scrap! GYPSY (to Cambot): How about you guys down there? [CUT TO: House of Pain. Mike, the bots, Brain Guy and Bobo are assembled.] MIKE: Oh, gosh, I don't know. I can't complain. I mean, literally. I just don't have the gumption. You guys? CROW (dully): Rapture. TOM (same): Bliss. OBSERVER: Heavy fog! BOBO (sings): Web Site, Number Ni- (stops) Hey, where'd the music go? [CUT TO: SOL.] GYPSY: So we're all in agreement? Things are going well? SCRATCH: Yup! GYPSY: And you have perfect job satisfaction? PEARL: Absolutely! GYPSY: And you wouldn't change a thing! PEARL and SCRATCH: Nnnnnnope! GYPSY: Good. [Suddenly there is a flash of light. Appearing in everyone's hand, as if by magic, is a memo.] PEARL: What the-? GYPSY: Reorg! PEARL (reading, disbelief): "To better realize our comedic metrics, in accordance with the longstanding recommendations of Torgo Consultants, Best Brains is implementing the following *REORGANIZATION PLAN*!?" SCRATCH: Aw, no, and the new org charts are attached! They're like fifty pages long, and I don't have thumbs! SID (nervous, grabs his can quickly): Sorry guys. This is a whole different part of hell. See ya. (With a PING!, he vanishes.) PEARL (still perusing plan): They're outsourcing movie-watching operations on the SOL! And eliminating the Mad Scientist position altogether! *I'M SCREWED!* (at Gypsy, steaming) Why you little- SCRATCH: Ah, she got us, boss. Things were going well, so there had to be a reorg. As day follows night. As the winter follows fall! PEARL: As my fist follows your throat! [Pearl punches Scratch. He groans and collapses beneath the desk.] PEARL (to Gypsy): I am *not* a good loser, hose girl. (storms off screen) GYPSY (watching her go): Oo. I'm just glad she's a loser. [DISSOLVE CUT to a placard, reading "4.7 DAYS LATER..."] [CUT TO: A gray office cubicle, messy with papers, empty donut cartons, and Mr. Boffo cartoons. The phone is ringing, but no one answers. Pearl Forrester, still in her black jump suit, is sitting at her desk, glaring intently and resentfully at her cubicle mate across from her.] [PAN, slowly, over to Pearl's cube mate. It is EVIL MIKE, dressed in a wrinkled blue dress shirt, loud floral tie, and white Keds. He is staring right back at Pearl, just as resentfully.] GYPSY (off-screen): Hey you slackers! [ANGLE ON: Gypsy, sticking her head in the aisle.] GYPSY: Bestco Enterprises is not paying you analysts to hold staring contests! The boss wants that database by 3! [Mike, in a janitor's uniform, comes in pushing his cleaning cart.] MIKE: Hey Pearl. Hey me. Someone called with a coffee spill? EVIL MIKE: Indeed I did. (takes coffee off his desk, holds it out over the aisle, spills it onto the floor) GYPSY (to Mike): I'm real sorry about the reorg, Mike. I didn't know you'd get such a raw deal! MIKE: Aw, don't worry about it, Gyps. I mean, I am free and all. And I got a better deal than some. [CUT TO: Break room. Tom Servo is the Mister Coffee. Brain Guy, in purple suit and tie, and bad purple toupee, pulls the full pot out of Servo's stomach. His mug reads "WORLD'S GREATEST OMNIPOTENT BEING".] BRAIN GUY: So you're saying the French Revolution was an outgrowth of middle class frustrations with the caste system of the 18th Century. TOM: *NO!* Have you been listening to a word I've said?! You *stupid, stupid man!* (suddenly friendly) By the way, there's half-and-half if you want. And Paul made soda bread. BRAIN GUY: Mm, soda bread. Yummy. [CUT BACK to Mike and Company. Pearl's phone is *still* ringing.] GYPSY: Good thing you found Observer's brain. MIKE: Actually we didn't. They just made him VP of Marketing. GYPSY: Oh, so that's why Bobo quit! MIKE: Yeah. He did OK, though. He's one of the Oakridge Boys now. GYPSY (at Pearl): ANSWER YOUR PHONE, FLESHBAG! PEARL (resentful): OK, OK! MIKE (to Gypsy): I guess being the office bitch has its advantages. GYPSY: I just never knew it was a titled position! [ANGLE ON Pearl, answering phone. Magic Voice is on the other end.] MADGE: Pearl, the C.O. wants to see you. Now. [Madge hangs up. Pearl scowls, and folds her arms.] [CUT TO: The interior of a beautiful, oakwood furniture office, with plush red carpeting. Behind the desk, sizing each other up, sit CROW and SCRATCH.] MADGE (over intercom): Sirs, Pearl Forrester is here to see you. CROW: Thanks, Madge. Have her wait an hour, then call us to a meeting. (to Scratch) OK, new meat! Let's get some things straight here. SCRATCH: One of us is Chief Officer for all of Bestco, and one of us is the other's kiss-up lap puppy personal assistant. CROW (laughs): And I think we both know, who that lap puppy is. SCRATCH: Right! CROW and SCRATCH (over each other): Me! [Pause. The two furrow their brows at each other.] CROW and SCRATCH (more insistently): Me! Me me me me me! SCRATCH: Aw, c'mon! Let me be the lap puppy! CROW: No way pal! I've got seniority here! SCRATCH: Yeah, but I got... like, juniority, or something! CROW: Well... should we do rock-paper-scissors? [Both look to their non-functioning arms.] SCRATCH: Um... we could do fwoosh. CROW: Fwoosh? SCRATCH: That's where I breathe fire on you until I get my way. CROW: Really? Hey, cool! Let's try it! C'mon! SCRATCH: You sure? OK, guy! One... two... (Scratch inhales.) [CUT TO end logo/credits. We hear Scratch's fire breath go FWOOOSH!, and the crackle of something burning.] CROW: Whoo-hoo! That Denerex tingle tells me its working! Hoo-hoo! Hot! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- EPISODE EM105 "The Adventures of goblins, talkshowhost... in the Labyrnth" with the short, "I want You Back" extra special guest star (with a thousand thanks) DR. MICHAEL NEYLON as dr. michael neylon writers BRENDAN HERLIHY STEVEN WEINBERG Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations are copyright 1999 Best Brains, Inc. "The Adventures of goblins, talk showhost, bugaloos, witchie-poos and golden flutes named freddy in the labrynth" copyright 1999 by Mark Ogilvie. "I want You Back" copyright 1999 FrickRokz. "Labyrinth", its characters, and situations, are copyright 1986 Jim Henson. "H.R. Pufnstuf" its characters and situations, are copyright 1969 Sid and Marty Krofft. "Bugaloos", its characters and situations, are copyright 1970 Sid and Marty Krofft. This publication is for entertainment use only, and is not meant as a personal attack on Mike Neylon, Shay Caron, Mark Ogilvie, FrickRokz, Jim Henson, David Bowie, Sid and Marty Krofft, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, or N'SYNC; nor is it meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains, Sci Fi Channel, Jim Henson, Sid and Marty Krofft, FrickRokz, or Mark Ogilvie. e-mail PINKBOYBUFFET@HOTMAIL.COM visit the pink boy buffet MEMBERS.TRIPOD.COM/PINK_BOY/DEFAULT.HTML executive producer BRENDAN HERLIHY ------------------------------------------------------ Justin saw her yellow, fungus filled teeth, and shuddered. Then he realized who it was. "BRITNEY?" He asked. ------------------------------------------------------ Copyright 1999 Brendan Herlihy and Steve Weinberg Previous --- Home